Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Evermore on October 07, 2024, 09:10:51 PM
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"Yesterday's Gone"
It's your oldest trick and your cheapest one
Turn the world to blank and the game is done
I hope and I pray that the rainbow comes
You'll change your mind don't shoot the gun
You can sail on seven seas
Lend your heart out to who you please
Where ever you travel what ever you see
don't forget the love you got from me
Goodnight moon goodbye sun
What goes with you is all my love
I hope your best is yet to come
let's close the book what's done is done
'cos yesterday's gone
There you go now you're off your leash
Go rid your heart of its great disease
Where ever you travel what ever you see
don't forget the love you got from me
Goodnight moon goodbye sun
What goes with you is all my love
I hope your best is yet to come
Let's close the book what's done is done
'cos yesterday's gone
yesterday's Gone
yesterday's Gone
yesterday's Gone
yesterday's Gone
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9llNf4_6QSI
The start of a new thread! Doesn't happen much these days as I don't post much anymore. Welcome all those who fancy following along. :)
It's all pretty (fabulously) boring in my world these days and there's no real need for a summary of my story (as most of it is in my sig block below). I consider myself very lucky to have been able to successfully work through these past 6 years (I had to stop just now and work out exactly how long it's been since BD - massive progress!).
I still read here frequently, and post occasionally. I still find this place helpful and will be eternally grateful to those who post here, sharing their stories and their learned wisdom.
Link to last thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12038.0
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Thought I'd bring my last post across from my previous thread (I post so infrequently that I find it hard to remember what I've shared and what I haven't sometimes! :o ;D):
I really feel like I needed to come here and post. But I’m not sure exactly what I wanted/needed to say (get out! Haha). I will therefore just ramble. :P
On Saturday night I went to my xH’s nephew’s housewarming party (because he’s MY nephew too and I am always always invited to all in-law family functions, yes it is weird I know). M and SS12 came with me. XH and stoopid OW were there as well.
What is incredibly weird and shocking to me these days is that I simultaneously a) don’t care at all that they’re there, and b) still find it so freaking WEIRD that my HUSBAND is there with some other woman… and I am there with some other man.
We have children together. He likes and comments on all my FB posts about ‘our girls’ (I always write ‘my girls’, he always writes ‘our girls’). We still have family health insurance. He still has all his stuff in my shed. He has MY NAME tattooed on his arm! We are still so connected. But at the same time, SO disconnected. :o
We have all these underground/invisible bonds/connections. But we go to these parties with other people and we are only as publicly polite to each other as we need to be. There is no animosity. But also no public intimacy. As though we only vaguely know each other. Guests at the party that didn’t know our history wouldn’t have a clue that we even KNEW each, let alone that we were married for 20 years. It is all so CRAAAZZZYYY!!! :o ;) ;D
Don’t get me wrong. I’m fine with it how it is these days. I worked hard to get here. I really think I’m on a fabulous path (M is still awesome and we are going from strength to strength, I have no flags waving there).
I guess what I will never be able to fathom is how xH can act like everything is fine and he has no regrets, doesn’t ever miss our life (when I still do so much), and that WE are just… ‘the past’ now, oh well, too bad, so sad.
But I remind myself that I also wear that public ‘he’s just someone I used to know’ mask. It’s therefore quite possible (and knowing him I’d bet probable) that he also wears that mask and feels how f’ing WEIRD it is. Crazy crazy crazy!! ;D ;D ;D
I am just so bloody GRATEFUL that I am good now. That it doesn’t spin me out anymore. If we have to continue like this, I am ok with that. I will put yesterday to bed. Because yesterday’s gone (that strikes me as a good name for a new thread…). :'( 8)
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Following along for when you do post something.... ;)
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I’m not sure that even time ever completely removes the small punch of those WTF moments, even if only the ‘how on earth did I end up here?’ feelings. Well, for we broadly normal healthy folks anyhow….no idea how MLC types see it.
It’s helpful perhaps to share that experience, to know it’s weird but also normal, and that you’re not the only person who feels it.
But yes, you’ve worked hard to make lemonade from lemons and those WTF moments don’t remove the blessings you see that you have today. Onwards…..
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attaching :)
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It’s helpful perhaps to share that experience, to know it’s weird but also normal, and that you’re not the only person who feels it.
But yes, you’ve worked hard to make lemonade from lemons and those WTF moments don’t remove the blessings you see that you have today. Onwards…..
It's very helpful for me, that's for sure. :)
Thanks for following along UM, T and FW.
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I'm plodding along behind you Evermore :) thank you for continuing to share your journey. I admire your strength in attending these family things. It must feel really disorientating at points. You're a better person than I. I would find an exotic excuse not to go. Or maybe I would go, and wear something exotic 8)
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I'm plodding along behind you Evermore :) thank you for continuing to share your journey. I admire your strength in attending these family things. It must feel really disorientating at points. You're a better person than I. I would find an exotic excuse not to go. Or maybe I would go, and wear something exotic 8)
Well thank you KD. :) Hey I’m just as surprised as anyone that I can attend these things and really not be bothered too much these days. Never saw that coming! ;D
And thank you for plodding along with me. The only way out is through!
I chuckled at your idea of ‘wearing something exotic’ haha. I do make sure I look pretty good and radiate ‘calm and happy’. Which really isn’t difficult as I feel that easily in this crowd. I’m fairly sure OW feels far more uncomfortable than I do. I even (well a part of me) feels a bit sorry for her (another part thinks ‘good! So she should!’ Oops, need to keep that part firmly on its leash! :P ).
I was talking with D23 about how the OW always tries to be ‘friendly’ to me at these things these days. I said ‘You’d think she’d have a little shame and steer clear of me’. D23 said ‘I think that’s WHY she tries to be friendly Mum, because she absolutely does feel shame’. (And there goes that bit of me again rearing its ugly head… good, she should.) Maybe D23 is right, who knows? But I still find it weird that she thinks I’d want to be friendly with her, whether she’s feeling ashamed or not. Much weirdness!
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Funny you should mention that. As I get closer to probably needing to attend some kind of gathering with the kids that the OP will be at, I have no idea how I will react. Probably just look and stare if she spoke to me. I don't have any grace for her or xh for that matter if they are foolish enough to get in my orbit and act as if all is "just fine". I won't blow up, that much I know, but will likely just ask why either would be talking to me or walk away before they get close. I'm glad you can navigate it all and still be in your zone :) That is an incredible skill.
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Hello OR, thanks for following and reading my story. And for your compliment about my ‘skill’. I’m not really sure it’s a highly skillful skill though, lol. Is it the ability to eat a poo-sandwich with a smile? Or maybe the ability to make a smoked salmon sandwich out of one that should be poo-filled? ;D
It’s actually surprisingly easy after a bit of practise. And I think when and if you find yourself in the same situation you’ll also be surprised how ‘meh’ you feel about it.
I went to SIL2 and BIL’s house yesterday arvo for a cuppa (as I often do) and xH happened to be there. Didn’t faze me at all. We all just chatted for an hour or so. I mean mentally I’m thinking ‘how bloody weird is this?!’. But it wasn’t a difficult thing to do.
As I was leaving SIL2 said ‘well that was nice that we could all spend some time together… but it still feels really weird’. I agreed and thought a bit about it on my way home. It’s not that it doesn’t affect me… it just doesn’t rattle me anymore. Thank heavens!! I think it’ll be the same for you (at last I wish that for you :) ).
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Thank you for the vote of confidence. I don't think I'll be rattled, I just don't want to shoot the breeze with him or her. As if it's OK, because for me it isn't. But I have to consider the kids, so I'm thinking avoidance is my particular best option. ;D They know. Should he ever acknowledge or apologize, my thinking might change. But I've managed Ds graduation, including pictures for her with both of us in it and dinner with a dozen people without ever speaking to him, so it can be done. It's a dance. ::)
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Hey OF. Sorry for slow reply!
Yes, a dance is a good analogy. ;D
Not a dance I EVER thought I'd have to master, that's for dang sure!! ;) :o ;D
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Well it’s Christmas Day here already. I had a lovely Xmas eve with M and D23 (at M’s). This morning M is up super early baking hams and I’m in bed with the doggos and a cuppa. Bliss.
M is making us French toast and bacon for brekky and we’ll open some presents. We’ll open the rest of them when SS12 gets here at 10 (he spends every Christmas Eve/morning with his mum).
And then… we’re all off to have Christmas lunch at ex-nephew-in-law’s with all my ex-in-laws… including xH and OW! How f’ing weird is that?! ;D ;D ;D
If you had told me even a year ago that I’d be perfectly happy doing this I would have vehemently denied that I would EVER want to (or really, ‘be able to’). But here we are.
Of course I’d prefer OW fell off the edge of the earth and wasn’t coming, but whatevs. As long as she stays on her side of the room and out of my face, we are all good. I have rehearsed what I’d like to say to her if she tries her smarmy ‘hi Ever, so nice to see you’ bit again. But I know in reality I won’t say that to her. For several reasons. It wouldn’t be fair to everyone else to cause a scene. And I actually don’t wish her or xH distress (and what I would say would cause distress). I have come so far that I now hope they can make it work. XH still has a health issue (stabbing nerve pain in his side) that is causing grief in his world (can’t work much, can’t help D26 and SIL move, can’t ride his motorbike etc etc). It’s been going on over 6 months and no one can figure out the cause (and therefore can’t treat). He’s a horrible patient and I’m actually quite glad it’s not ME having to deal with the stress of all that!! ;)
Atari posted this a few days ago:
Some day they will regret and my mission is to build a strong and better life than ever. Stronger relationships, stronger family. I am so sad underneath and I don't think that will change, only fade slowly.
This, IMO, is the only solution to dealing with their crisis, their betrayal, and the loss of them. ‘Build a strong and better life than ever’ Yes! And the key (as in the quote) is to build those stronger relationships with family and friends. But most importantly, with yourself. Be good to yourself. Hold yourself close and allow yourself the time it takes to heal and recover. Because the last line in the quote is also very true. There is still huge sadness in me that this happened. And I think that sadness will always be there. But it HAS very very slowly faded for me.
Someone here (ages ago), and I can’t remember who (possibly wise KD?), said something about moving on and ‘not feeding the love for them’. I had for years wondered how others ‘got over’ loving their MLCer. It seemed impossible that this would happen for me. I didn’t know how to stop loving him. That line though, about ‘not feeding the love’ was like a bell going off in my head! It has been the last piece in the puzzle for me in how to move forward. I used to think of him constantly and allow my mind to ‘nurture’ the love. I was feeding it all the time! I started actively stopping myself from allowing this. It’s been slow but it has worked! I can now think of him, still with kindness and love; but not that… yearning that I had carried for the past 5 years.
It’s now over 6 years since BD. I can now say with certainty that I am ‘through’. Even if he returned tomorrow I would be easily able to say ‘I’m sorry, I have moved forward, I have built a new life’. It’s a bitter sweet feeling. As Melissa Etheridge sang ‘I came here to let you know, the letting go, has taken place’
I would like to wish all here a happy Christmas. I KNOW what is like in the early and mid years of recovering from this horrible thing that happened. It is debilitating. But if there is any proof that it can be got through, I am it!! I was a basket case when I arrived here and for years after. So I’d like to give everyone a vertical hug. Life will get better. Just hang on until then. Xx
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Thank you and Merry Christmas Evermore! You've been a pleasure and an inspiration. My BD was Dec. 2017, and I am starting to get there finally. Best wishes to you.
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I used to think of him constantly and allow my mind to ‘nurture’ the love. I was feeding it all the time! I started actively stopping myself from allowing this. It’s been slow but it has worked! I can now think of him, still with kindness and love; but not that… yearning that I had carried for the past 5 years.
This is a good way to make the distinction. We can get to where we still think of them with kindness and love but not be "in love" with them and yearning for them. For me, this means I was able to be healthier both mentally and physically and have options in my life--this one precious life that I have.
It allowed me to take stock of the reality of the situation and move forward with integrity and grace. I learned to crawl, then take a few steps and then walk tentatively and then without thinking. It takes time and persistence to focus on our healing, but we can get there.