Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: The Navigator on January 15, 2025, 01:31:15 AM
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Hello all,
I know I don't post here much but I've never forgotten this forum.
We learned the day before yesterday that my wife's 45 year old sister is leaving her husband and their two kids, D11 and S9. She grew up in the same home as my wife, and had the same parents. Was exposed to the same chaos. And I always suspected that she would do this at some point. They've been married 15 years - the husband was shocked and the kids heartbroken. I am convinced she's in an MLC - not that that matters a bit.
So.....as you can imagine I've spent the last two days completely triggered. My W has been telling her she's out of her mind, that she's leaving a "good guy" just like their mother left their father.
Just felt compelled to come here and write about it.
W and I are OK....about to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary. I still, 16 years after bomb drop, take every day one at a time. We are never "recovered", weeds will always appear if you allow them to.
Kids are now S15, D14 and S7. They are all OK and doing well. I hope.
Much love to all.
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Hi Nav!
Long time, no read......
Sis seems to be following the "family pattern" so I would suspect this adds another notch to the "FOO Issues being a major factor in whether or not someone will go off the deep end" statistics.
I can imagine this is a major trigger for you, having been through it. What will be REALLY interesting is to see how your former MLC'er looks at it and whether or not she sees any parallels to her own MLC.... and whether or not she relates her own path to Sis....
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I am 100% convinced that how you're raised in your first 10 or so years of life in your "family of origin" determines whether or not you'll have a midlife crisis.
In fact, it's only called a "midlife crisis" because of the time of life during which it typically occurs.
The "explosives" for the MLC are packed into the psyche of the person when they're very young, by the adults who raise them, and they're "detonated" decades later, often when the person is married and with adolescent children.
It doesn't matter who the MLCer marries. The MLC is locked in.
W's other younger sister has had her "wobbles" over the years too ....a few marital dramas many years ago.....but she and her husband seem very much "buddied up" and they have 8 children together.
I've supported several friends who've lost their W's to MLCs over the years and none of the women came from good homes. They all had utterly harrowing upbringings.
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Went out for coffee with W at lunch time after we had gotten up to mischief ;)
W's sister - my SIL - came up in conversation. I essentially described the stages of MLC to her without mentioning the term "midlife crisis" or saying "this is what you did".
I essentially said SIL will go nuts for a couple of years, drink heavily, start whoring herself out on dating apps, have a few one night stands with blokes she meets at bars - her kids will probably complain that she is drunk or hung over when they are staying with her ..... after 18 to 24 months of this there will follow a severe depression and she'll probably try and creep back to her husband etc. etc......
W answered "Yes, that's absolutely what she will do. In fact, Navigator, you should call BIL and forewarn him and tell him to strengthen the kids."
It's sometimes as if W has a memory blank of the things which transpired during her own MLC. Anyway, it's no use dwelling on that......we have a life to get on with.
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Nice to "see" you on here Nav. Sorry it's because the SIL has gone off the deep end. Dang-it.
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W answered "Yes, that's absolutely what she will do. In fact, Navigator, you should call BIL and forewarn him and tell him to strengthen the kids."
Gotta wonder if there isn't a little twitch in hearing all the things one has done one's self in context of someone else and knowing that this "someone else" is likely on the exact same "Highway to Hades" that one has just travelled themselves.
It's sometimes as if W has a memory blank of the things which transpired during her own MLC. Anyway, it's no use dwelling on that......we have a life to get on with.
Well, you know about that whole "compartmentalization" thing that Mid-Lifers do....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2g5Hz17C4is&pp=ygUMSXQgd2Fzbid0IG1l (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2g5Hz17C4is&pp=ygUMSXQgd2Fzbid0IG1l)
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I appreciate you sharing your story, gives me some hope. Also it is uncanny how your SIL is following the exact same path. And I do hope that BIL has the strength to get though this, they are going to need dad now more then ever.
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I don't know about uncanny Baxter. A few years back, my ex sil did something similar to her long-term live in boyfriend and almost the same age as my ex wife did to me.
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It might well appear “uncanny” to the uninitiated but to me, 17 years after bomb drop and after thousands of hours reading and studying marriage and MLC, SIL doing this was 100% predictable.
She is cut from the same cloth as my W, was raised by the same adults as W, only my W had 4 extra years of her father at home than SIL did. From the age of 3 onwards, SIL saw very little of her dad.
W and I were 31 at bomb drop. The triggers at a relatively young age for MLC were living in a foreign country where we knew no one, a miscarriage, and me, the man she married, being a selfish, verbally abusive jerk. I had become my father.
SIL, on the other hand, married a well-raised, stable, conscientious and morally upright man who, during the course of their marriage, had built up a multi-million dollar business. I’ve always gotten on very well with him and I’ll sincerely miss him. When W and I paid off all our debt years ago he was the only one who heartily congratulated us.
So with SIL it took longer to trigger her but it was always going to happen and it wouldn’t have mattered whom she married. She’s told W she “just wants to focus on her art”. Not at all interested in her marriage. I hope to [insert Higher Power] that BIL has a solid pre-nup in place. Giving a wad of cash to SIL would be like giving a loaded gun to a drunk, figuratively and literally.
My SIL said to me a couple of years ago that other apes raise their children far better than my MIL raised W, SIL and SIL2. And frankly I agree with her.
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W and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary earlier this week.
I had the day off work, we went out for coffee in the morning after doing some grocery shopping and taking the youngest child to school, got a pastry, then went out for lunch after hanging out a bit longer. Lots of chatting, some laughs.
We were supposed to have a few games of pool before lunchtime but our favourite pool hangout was closed.
Another coffee after lunch which was cut short when the phone rang from the school, saying our little boy had fallen over on the ice, his nose was bleeding and could we come and pick him up?
KFC for dinner in the evening - this was for the kids because they didn't think it was "fair" that W and I get treats on our anniversary and they wanted to be included.
W seemed very happy with the gifts I got her, saying they were "Excatly what she likes".
Predictably, conversation turned to W's sister who is aged 45 and has left her husband, obviously at the beginning stages of an MLC.
W said in classic Dirty Harry fashion "The question you have to ask yourself is....is the misery the result of what was happening in SIL's outer world, or does the unhappiness actually live in SIL herself? I'd say it's actually inside SIL. Your thoughts?"
I agreed that SIL's misery is 100% inside her - that's what MLC is after all, unresolved chaos and grief from long long ago coming for the person carrying it around.
I'm still stunned that bomb drop was 17 years ago and that, at the time of writing, W and I live under one roof, raise and care for our children together, seem to enjoy each other and have an active sex life. I've no idea how we survived up until this point.
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W said in classic Dirty Harry fashion "The question you have to ask yourself is....is the misery the result of what was happening in SIL's outer world, or does the unhappiness actually live in SIL herself? I'd say it's actually inside SIL. Your thoughts?"
Can't make this stuff up if you tried...... "Ya think?" might have been a wee bit snarky for a response.....
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Well, I could get snarky, but what would be the point?
It would be a net loss.
I'm far less enraged these days than I used to be about all the things that went down. I essentially lost the entire decade that was my 30s and I'm now 48.
I could get bitter about that but then I think about friends of mine who didn't make it to 40 - a couple of them didn't even make it to 18.
Being an LBS and dealing with my W when the devil literally took possession of her was a necessary part of my development.
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Well, I could get snarky, but what would be the point?
It would be a net loss.
I'm far less enraged these days than I used to be about all the things that went down. I essentially lost the entire decade that was my 30s and I'm now 48.
I could get bitter about that but then I think about friends of mine who didn't make it to 40 - a couple of them didn't even make it to 18.
Being an LBS and dealing with my W when the devil literally took possession of her was a necessary part of my development.
No words needed.....
(https://media3.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExdzc0a3Nzb3ZmYWxrdnprdnhmbmNkeDNnM3kweG0wdWpvaGR2YmNneSZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/xUA7bex5jotTD9AbJu/giphy.gif)
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That only works if, deep down, the woman in your life knows you’re capable of being “really nasty”…….if….and only if……the situation warrants it.
If being gentle is *all* you have as a man then you’ll eaten for breakfast or friend-zoned by the females with whom you come into contact.
I wish it weren’t so….but by God…..it is so.
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Ah yes, and bomb drop was exactly 17 years ago today.
Incredible.
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That only works if, deep down, the woman in your life knows you’re capable of being “really nasty”…….if….and only if……the situation warrants it.
If being gentle is *all* you have as a man then you’ll eaten for breakfast or friend-zoned by the females with whom you come into contact.
I wish it weren’t so….but by God…..it is so.
That is kind of the same for everyone though I don't know that you have to be "really nasty" capable. You DO, imo, have to be assertive capable. Others have to understand you will NOT be their breakfast unless you feel like it. And you teach people how you will accept being treated. Gentle does not equal doormat, after all. ;)
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That only works if, deep down, the woman in your life knows you’re capable of being “really nasty”…….if….and only if……the situation warrants it.
If being gentle is *all* you have as a man then you’ll eaten for breakfast or friend-zoned by the females with whom you come into contact.
I wish it weren’t so….but by God…..it is so.
That is kind of the same for everyone though I don't know that you have to be "really nasty" capable. You DO, imo, have to be assertive capable. Others have to understand you will NOT be their breakfast unless you feel like it. And you teach people how you will accept being treated. Gentle does not equal doormat, after all. ;)
I snagged on this comment too. Maybe I read it wrong - it read to me like all (straight) women love a bastard. Or at least, a bad boy. I don't know many women like that actually. Certainly not me. I like intelligent, kind men. I'd like there to be less emphasis on men having to be macho. I expect many men feel that way too. It must be for many, a really uncomfortable pressure. I like what OffRoad said, I interpret this as someone with good boundaries.
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Gosh - I smuggled a cuss word in, when poor old Charles d!ckens is censored 8)
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That only works if, deep down, the woman in your life knows you’re capable of being “really nasty”…….if….and only if……the situation warrants it.
If being gentle is *all* you have as a man then you’ll eaten for breakfast or friend-zoned by the females with whom you come into contact.
I wish it weren’t so….but by God…..it is so.
That is kind of the same for everyone though I don't know that you have to be "really nasty" capable. You DO, imo, have to be assertive capable. Others have to understand you will NOT be their breakfast unless you feel like it. And you teach people how you will accept being treated. Gentle does not equal doormat, after all. ;)
I snagged on this comment too. Maybe I read it wrong - it read to me like all (straight) women love a bastard. Or at least, a bad boy. I don't know many women like that actually. Certainly not me. I like intelligent, kind men. I'd like there to be less emphasis on men having to be macho. I expect many men feel that way too. It must be for many, a really uncomfortable pressure. I like what OffRoad said, I interpret this as someone with good boundaries.
I said you must, as a man, be capable of being really nasty if the situation happened to warrant it.
Situations warranting such an approach could, in my view, include dealing with things like an intruder in your house, someone harrassing your wife or children ...... in other words a genuine threat. Also cold callers trying to scam you, calling again when they've been asked not to ..... no point in being polite with them.
I very definitely did not write, nor indeed imply, that a man needed to be nasty all the time to be successful with women, the nastier the better.
It has, however, been my experience that "nice guys" (guys who hope the world will do them a favour in return for being "nice") finish last. Forgive me, they often don't even "finish" at all.
If you have weak boundaries, predators and parasites will smell it a mile off, and sooner or later you will be exploited.
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It has, however, been my experience that "nice guys" (guys who hope the world will do them a favour in return for being "nice") finish last. Forgive me, they often don't even "finish" at all.
If you have weak boundaries, predators and parasites will smell it a mile off, and sooner or later you will be exploited.
I wanted to jump in and as a self proclaimed "nice guy" say that I believe that we should exist in the world the way we wish it to be, because otherwise we simply become the problem and not the solution. But people who know me well would definitely NOT say that I have weak boundaries, or I finish "last or don't finish" at all. In fact I would like to think I have had a rather charmed life, and despite having my wife suffer from MLC I have not become jaded nor bitter. I have been involved in highly competitive endeavors in my life, and have been around people who share that view of "nice guys finish last." I have seen SOME of them do "better" at the expense of others, but I have never seen one that has been more contented (or rather not be miserable) as the price of their view.
I have chosen to be cordial and kind to my W despite all her actions, AND have held very firm boundaries with her at the same time. These two things are not in conflict. The one thing I do tell people at the right time if they think being nice means being weak is that "I am the nicest person you will meet, until I am not."
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I said you must, as a man, be capable of being really nasty if the situation happened to warrant it.
Situations warranting such an approach could, in my view, include dealing with things like an intruder in your house, someone harrassing your wife or children ...... in other words a genuine threat. Also cold callers trying to scam you, calling again when they've been asked not to ..... no point in being polite with them.
Ah, well, I would call that protective action. I am capable of that too - And I am.... a woman.... 8)
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Although, for me, nasty is still nasty. And I hope I am never that, even through protection of self or others.
Agree also with what Marvyn wrote, there are many ways to be and to thrive in the world..
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It looks like I opened Pandora's Box with my earlier utterance.
Whilst none of you have succeeded in persuading me that I am mistaken, and probably won't, I shall say no more about the matter.
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Thank you for sharing your thoughts and reflections--has to be a bit different when you made it through--like watching a train wreck.