Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: FaithWalker on August 10, 2025, 03:09:11 PM
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Wow, I have not started a new thread since June of 2022. Time slips away as we move beyond the pain and life slips in again.
Old thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11941.0 (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11941.0)
New thread topic brought to you by the Song "Heart of a Hero" by Cathy Heller.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSTGCCceBks (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WSTGCCceBks)
I am going through a tough season right now with my M but we will get through this season as well, and I'm so grateful I still have her. I need to grasp on to that in the tough moments.
Thank you all for navigating these ups and downs of life with me. There are always going to be some really wonderful times and other times there is going to be tough stuff.
As a recap, I began this journey almost 10 years ago at the tender age of 37. I am 47 now and my mind is a little blown that it's really been 10 years. MLCer turned 50 last Monday. His crisis started the Summer he turned 40. Looking back, things were crazy as early as May, but my BD didn't happen until December.
I asked D yesterday if MLCers new wife threw a big party for him turning 50, out of curiosity because that was one of the things that kind of got thrown at me, that I didn't make a big enough deal about his birthdays. Of course he had flipped the script on me, as prior he was happy to have little fanfare over his birthdays. D said that there was no party and that he was probably at work in the new town where he took a job.
He had called me about a month ago wanting to know what was going on with S20 as S20 had not talked to him about joining the Army. Apparently he found out from my B and SIL when he ran into them outside a restaurant downtown and mentioned getting an elk tag for S20 for the Fall and B and SIL were like "how is that supposed to work? He won't even be here?" Ouch. Gosh that really had to hurt to have to find out that way. I actually have major sympathy for that, but I also do understand that our actions have consequences. Anyway, during that conversation he had told me he'd taken a job a couple towns away and he leaves on Sundays to go up there and stays at a hotel all week and then comes back to his home here on Friday evenings.
Beyond that, I truly have nothing else to note, as I have very little insight into xH's life now. Couldn't tell you if he's still in crisis. Not much to note. If you've been reading along, I know that at some point there was a major shift from talking a lot about him into shifting the focus on me and this became my journey and my story. And I stick around to support Your Journey and Your story! I think about our dear LBS's, especially the ones I've lost contact with and wonder how they are doing. Still hoping for a meet up with a bunch of y'all one day.
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I have followed your story and I think I never realized how young you were when this started. Mine started so late in life. The one thing I wish for all LBS’s on here is they don't lose so much time. We have to live through it, but man the lost time is the worst.
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Yes, I am definitely not the youngest, but was on the younger side. I'm so glad that I focused on my kiddos though instead of jumping into a new relationship. I have no regrets. Those kiddos needed me.
What helps me cope is the scripture verse about God restoring the years that the locusts have eaten. I have seen some good times in the last 10 years and I hope to see more good times in the future, whether with a partner, or without.
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What a beautiful story of how you not only survived MLC but are also now really living your best life. My BD was back in May 2019, I thought I wouldn’t survive it, but here I am, I’ve made it. Like you I’ve seen a lot of good things that happened within 6 years since BD. The first few years were very very difficult. But, I’m glad I moved out and tried to carve my own life away from my MLCer. Only then I slowly discovered the kind of strength and determination I didn’t know I had in me. Nice to hear your kids turned out well. It needs to have a strong parent to support them through a difficult time like that. Cheers to you Faithwalker for walking through this difficult stage of your life with grace. I don’t hear any grudges or bitterness from your posts. You have truly moved on.
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My partners mom passed on in March after a 10 year battle with Dementia. I admire your strength. She was already in AL facility when my partner and I got together and her dementia was fairly advanced.
{{{hugs}}}
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Hello,
Time does fly. For me, it has been over 15 years since bomb drop.
The one thing I wish for all LBS’s on here is they don't lose so much time. We have to live through it, but man the lost time is the worst.
For me, this is the hard part. I agree that looking back, you can make a sound case for lost time. As they say, "we live forward and understand backwards". If I had rushed forward and cut my losses early, would I now be living with the regret that I should have held out longer. When I was done, I was done and I felt that I had given my best. Did I lose time? Absolutely, but the time also enabled me to heal and detach to the point where I was open to all the possibilities. I also think we are all on different timelines and each one of us can't compare the time to others. I think it starts to become time lost when you can't detach, that you stay stuck to the floor. That's when the time seems to stop and before you know it, years have gone by and you haven't made the growth to move on and continue your journey.
I'm so glad that I focused on my kiddos though instead of jumping into a new relationship.
I agree and even though I am in a new marriage, that relationship isn't the only thing that defines my success from MLC. It is waking up in the morning and hitting the road to work and still excited about all aspects of my life. Just finished a great weekend celebrating my mom's birthday with all my relatives. There were 14 adults and three babies and we just had a great time. Absolutely loved it.
I think you have done awesome and with no regrets, you have built a joyful life. I am not a big "happy" guy because I can be happy and unhappy thirty seconds later. Joy is an overall feeling on content. It can be in the moment, but also a deeper feeling that despite the ups and downs of life, it is a overall feeling that you can achieve even when you are looking back.
Keep posting and let us know about your journey. Also, it is nice to hear about your Colorado adventures as I have found memories of my time In Pagosa Springs. I still follow my Broncos and it looks like they will be good this year.
Have an awesome day,
(((Ready)))
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Thank you DF, UM and Ready
S25 is selling his house. And agreed to allow xH's new wife to list it as she is going to give him a big discount off the Realtor fee. S25 had moved back in with his F and StepMom to save money for a possible big move with him and his GF so he's been renting out his house. As a reminder, S25's F is not xH. xH called to see if I could also come over and help clean to get S's house ready so last Saturday I spent the day with xH, new wife, S25 and S20 and then again last Sunday with MOL and FOL (Mother and Father Out-law) as we deep cleaned and painted and all the things. Next Saturday we are going to have a going away party for S20 at xH's house together.
M continues to be up and down in levels of craziness. Today I did not react well and got upset when she again accused me of doing things that I am not doing. I was already sensitive as my friend just lost her 14 year old son who was wheel-chair bound and the funeral was today. Thankfully I was still able to go to the funeral and I wasn't late, but it was a pretty emotional day between all the things.
Tomorrow my M's cousin and her husband come to stay the night with us overnight as a stopping off point on their trip to break up the drive time. When I wasn't attending the funeral or trying to reason with M (I know, doesn't do any good), I was deep cleaning for their visit. I took Monday off also as one last hurrah before my co-worker goes out for her brain surgery. I figured, if anything, I could at least offer to make them breakfast before they get on the road. It will be nice to have one extra day off after the busy weekend. I have another 13 days that I need to try to take off before the middle of January or I'll have to write to my boss and ask her if it will be okay to carry them over, otherwise I will lose them. Given the circumstances of this year, she would definitely allow me to carry them over, but then I run into even more issues next year trying to use all the time, so I am going to try my best to use them. We are only allowed to carry over 280 hours each year and I have about 330 hours in built up vacation not counting the 50+ more that I will earn between Sep and Dec. I will definitely use a few days to go out to S20's graduation from Basic Training in Georgia. I just need to figure out who I can get to come and stay with M. Probably I will ask one of her sister's.
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My friend who lost her son split up from her H a few years ago. He took the 10 year old boy and split basically turning the kid away from her by calling her a wh*re and other despicable things. He left the son in the wheelchair and the two younger kids they adopted together and has had nothing to do with them. He also was a huge part of her 3 daughter's lives and even adopted the youngest of the 3 daughters and walked away from them as well. Before the funeral we were told by friend to wear bright colors to celebrate her son's life. Her xH had gotten the message as well but chose to show up with the other son both in all black suits that were newly purchased and then preceded to not say a word to any of us the whole time they were, not a single word, to anyone. Not her, not the rest of us, not his adopted kids, not her girls. It was extremely awkward. It really made me grateful about my own life and my choice I made to be brave when it came to my dealings with my xH and the grace that I extended him. It just feels very natural now when we are together and I'm sure our kids are so much more at ease because of it.
xH called a few days after the funeral to let me know what to bring to his house for the party for S20 and I was telling him about the funeral and my friend and her xh (who he knew from our married life) and just how awkward it was and how glad that I was that we are not that way.
The party was great and it was nice to see my BOL and SOL (remember, out-law, not in-law lol - xh's brother and his wife), FOL and MOL and xh's aunt. xH's wife and I sat together at the dinner table and we get along well. My BFF was there also but she'd already eaten so she just pulled a chair up to the side of the dining room and chatted while we ate.
I was amused by several things and thought I'd share. The house was relatively clean but there was clutter - it permeated the kitchen counters and some of the surfaces around the dining room, like the buffet and the top of the china cabinet. The office was a mess. It's just the two of them there now since S20 had moved out and one of her daughter's had moved out. S20 and her daughter that is around D's age lived in the basement for a while. Anyway, when we were married and the kids were younger we also had trouble with clutter. He hated it, but sometimes with young kids, that's just the way it goes. He complained a lot during BD about these issues. Just goes to show that the things they say really are not valid and have no bearing on the state of chaos in their minds as that's where the true clutter lies.
Another thing that amused me was his wife's snarky comments slipped in here and there. It was a little like deja vu, new wife, same sayings. I used to say all the time that his horns were holding up his halo. She used that phrase too. She of course has no clue that I used to say that to him. But I knew and he knew lol. I'm pretty sure she was joking, as was I when I used to say it, but this time, when hearing her say it, I actually found myself wondering if it stung him a little. I've learned over the last few years, especially with my kids that sarcasm and snark can be hurtful and I have learned to be more careful with my words, focusing more on building the other person up rather than tearing them down.
But then there are some families, that sarcasm is genuinely used as banter. The teacher I used to work for, you knew you were liked by her H and her kids if they bantered with you like that, because they didn't just tear anyone down. Only those that they genuinely liked. It was kind of like an initiation into their inner circle lol. And they loved it when anyone was quick with the sarcasm and banter right back.
I think there is a time and place for it, but I also do think that it's good to be sensitive to the other person's thoughts and feelings on the manner and I genuinely feel bad that I may have ever hurt anyone I loved "all in good fun".
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My "baby" S20 shipped out to Basic Training and I had to say goodbye on Sunday. I miss him already. These things are tough on a mama! I'm so glad he and Nephew 21 are doing it together.
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I’m a sarcastic snarky gal in fun at times and you’re right. You definitely have to know your audience!!
Awwwww, I know you miss your son. I say all the time that I griped about tripping over backpacks on the floor and tripping over them and now I would love to trip over those backpacks. It goes to quick!!
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Yeah, I miss him so much and haven't gotten my phone call yet. I've already decided I'll forgive him if he calls his F for his 10 second phone call as he probably knows I'll be a sobbing mess and it sounds like he will be shaken during that call to see how he deals with stress. If he does end up calling me, I know how to respond and I'll try and hold it together until he hangs up.
I've been talking to xH a bit more since S20 has shipped out. Grateful to him for sharing some info with me that he could have kept to himself. Nothing like coming together over our kids. A different type of reconciliation happens sometimes and I am pretty sure that's what we have. Not a get back together type of reconciliation by any means and I'm just really feeling blessed for where we are now and what that looks like. Not an invitation back into my inner circle but a good relationship seeing as we have kids together.
So, I started a going to a new Bible Study this week and the leader ended up being out of town so only 2 others showed up. They were interested in hearing my story and it turns out that one of them just got totally devastated by a BD and cheating spouse after a 23 year marriage. She had to sit in front of them at her child's sports game and he apologized to his AP that she was sitting there. Yeah, he's totally following the script we all know about. Apparently he's a school counselor for us and she works at one of the Admin buildings. Not sure if it's my admin building or another as we have 3 others besides mine but I'm hoping it's not someone I have to have dealings with on a daily basis.
Thankfully I think I was able to help her some with my story and example of someone 10 years on.
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I got to hear from S20 today and talk to him for 45 minutes! He's still in reception and most likely will start his training on Friday. We will see! He has hives. He's not sure if from the inoculations or from something in the food. He says it's been happening after breakfast so he was thinking maybe the oil they cook the potatoes with. He was able to take a nap and they went away after he slept. MOL is hoping that he didn't get her issues with hives, which is that she gets them when she's anxious or nervous. I'm hoping that he won't have to deal with that much longer. Poor kiddo.
Nephew21 sent a snap to D23 with S20 in the background. It was so strange seeing them with shaved heads, even though I knew it was happening. S20 has a distinctive tattoo on his arm so if he's in short sleeves, I should hopefully be able to find him in any snapshots that they share as the boys are training. Sounds like they are forming some friendships with the other boys in their group so far. Not sure if these same ones will be in the same Troop or not.
He mentioned that he was multi-tasking during our call and texting D23, S25 and his F. He was trying to feed each of us a little bit of different info so that we could then all share with each other.
I probably won't get to hear from him again for a while except for the quick call that he's started training, unless he gets stuck in reception for a bit longer than expected.
I had to chuckle today when I woke up. We warned him about the humidity at his Ft. We don't have that type of humidity here generally. We are usually dry, dry, dry here. But today when I pulled up the weather app we had 83% humidity. He only had 63%.
Crazy humidity, but then, everything has been crazy lately. We had a storm Saturday with tons of marble sized hail. I guess there was a tornado in Utah and it sent some crazy weather our way. I had never heard of a tornado there before. That's just crazy!
I hope everyone is safe and well. Lots going on in this crazy world right now.
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Just a small update. S20 got picked up by a battalion last Friday and his BCT has begun. I probably won't get to hear from him for a couple weeks unless he earns a phone call by winning a competition or something. I miss him so much! I sent of a letter Saturday once he called with the 10 second phone call to give me the information I needed to do that. Then Saturday night I had a letter from him in my box! Then I felt bad for nephew21 as his parents are out of the Country and won't be able to shoot off any letters to him until they get back. So I sent him one Tuesday and then S20 another one at the same time as well, lol. It will probably be a few more weeks before they will actually get to read them though, from what it sounds like the mail moves very slowly on base.
Nothing like having your kiddo go off to do something like this to draw his parents together a little bit. More conversation with xH in the last few weeks than in a while. The focus is of course on the kiddo and just a little bit of light and airy conversation on the side about each other. Like talking to an acquaintance. I will mention that he calls me and if I'm able I pick up the call or he will text me and ask me to call him when I am free to do so. We are in a good place. Which is nice as we will be drawn together, all of us a lot as we go to S20's ceremonies and such. As of now, his parents and he and his wife and I are all planning to go out together to see S20's first ceremony (between Basic Training and AIT).
Not much else to update. I worry about S20 constantly and he's not far from my thoughts. This is hard on a mama! D23 and S25 and I are planning on getting together this weekend as it's been a little bit since we've connected. I think we will drive up Sunday and tour the fall colors happening around us and take a small hike in the beautiful mountains near us. Today is S25's 2 year anniversary of dating his GF. That went quick!
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Wow, it's been a bit since I've posted and lots to update but it will have to wait. I'm reeling from reading about xyzcf's loss and need to process.
I did want to mention that I lost my Lucy kitty December 11th, had to make the tough decision to have her put to sleep. She brought me so much joy after MLC, it was hard to say goodbye and much too soon, I should have had another 10 years with her! :'(
For those who followed me from the early years, you know how much joy she brought to our household post divorce.
Thinking of you all as this new year 2026 rolls in. I have hit the official 10 year mark since BD as it happened December of 2015 and April will mark 10 years divorced. Hard to believe it's been that long!
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Hello,
Yes the years do go by quickly. I am coming up on 16 years since bomb drop and I would have never ever imagined my journey to where I am right now.
Yes, Xyzcf's loss is great and I needed a lot of time to process as well. She is a remarkable person and like you, I was glad that she was able to be with him and support him in the his final months. Such a powerful story of both love and faith.
I am so sorry for the loss of your kitty as they really do bring joy to our lives.
I hope S20 is doing fine as well as the rest of your family. Please keep posting so we can all follow your fabulous journey through life.
(((Ready)))
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Wow, it's been a bit since I've posted and lots to update but it will have to wait. I'm reeling from reading about xyzcf's loss and need to process.
I did want to mention that I lost my Lucy kitty December 11th, had to make the tough decision to have her put to sleep. She brought me so much joy after MLC, it was hard to say goodbye and much too soon, I should have had another 10 years with her! :'(
For those who followed me from the early years, you know how much joy she brought to our household post divorce.
Thinking of you all as this new year 2026 rolls in. I have hit the official 10 year mark since BD as it happened December of 2015 and April will mark 10 years divorced. Hard to believe it's been that long!
It HAS been a few years, hasn't it? our timelines are nearly identical.... BD in December 2015, D in April a few years later (for me) ... My dog will be 13 in July and is slowly fading with age so I know what you mean about the loss of the kitty as I am staring that one in the face .....
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Hello Ready and UM.
S20 is back. I got a text from nephew21 a few weeks into training saying that they decided not to stay and were working on Chaptering out. 2 harrowing months with little information and contact and the biggest worries about how this decision was impacting them, they made it home just before Thanksgiving with an uncharacterized discharge. This mama cried, prayed, paced the floor, aged a few years in a few months and then have run the gamut from disappointment of reversing their oath, to relief, and then guilt for that relief. There was a lot that went on plus with the government shutdown that didn't help matters either. They are now figuring out what's next and I am praying that they won't keep floundering. The plus side was that I got to spend a lot of time with S20 at Christmas since he was home and I was off work. I had some vacation days to "use or lose".
Mom is still home with me and she has some really good weeks and then she will have an off week, but seems to bounce back. I've started really having to pay attention to solar storms and moon cycles as it's crazy, but those things do seem to effect her dementia. More and more of the burden of managing all the things seems to fall to me, but will eventually show the need to either have someone in the home, send her to daytime care some of the time, or look into assisted living. I am taking a vacation in April and have been arranging for some of my brothers and/or sister-in-laws to come stay with her while I'm gone. I had a non-refundable, but transferrable ticket that I had planned on using to go to see S20's ceremonies but since he returned home, I changed it into a ticket elsewhere for fun.
S25 and his gf of 2 years moved back into his house. He took it off the market briefly and will return it to the market this Spring, hoping to have a better time of selling. Unfortunately, it's hard to sell lately as no one can afford the cost of housing.
I am looking forward to my vacation in April, but my life has fallen into a pretty predictable routine right now. Until my burden of caring for M changes, this seems to be a period of buckling down and doing the things that need doing. I do feel somewhat that I am setting aside my own hopes and dreams right now, but we do those things out of love for our loved ones, don't we? That is why we are who WE are, and MLCers are who they are. Not to say that somedays I don't feel like running away, but I am never in any real danger of doing so. ;D
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"Chaptering out?" Things have changed a LOT since I was in then. Once you signed the contract you were in unless you a) had a medical issue that popped up, b) failed a drug test, c) proved yourself as incapable, or d) committed some sort of major infraction (i. e. crime under the UCMJ). One couldn't just "decide" they wanted out... I can see that this would have benefits in that the people that stay in are those that really WANT to stay in and potentially have a career.....
Being a primary caregiver for someone with emerging dementia must be a real challenge. My partner's mom was already in a care home when we met and, having spent significant amounts of time visiting before she passed on, I can not imagine what it would be like having to deal with that without significant help. That is one of those where those of us on the outside say "Take care of yourself too!" while only seeing what is on the edges, not the day-to-day work behind the scenes. Tip of the hat to you for keeping going!
Routines can be comforting for a while too. It gives time to regroup a bit and plan for future activities (like April!)
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UM