Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: marvin4242 on August 22, 2025, 09:05:15 AM
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Well, I am on a trip and suddenly a "friend" from long ago reached out to me. I have known him since college, we are not close except for those formative times (he was a few years younger than me and I kind of what his guide in those days). He reached out to me a few times a year, nothing concrete.
I got a cryptic message from him, I inquired and well, since like he is on the verge of a mid life crises. I engaged him a little, asked questions, and he is in an unhappy place. All the usual things, he doesn't feel like he belongs in his own home, he is unhappy, he has new friends and activities, and I suspect, there is someone he has met (he said something cryptically when I spoke to him on the phone).
I don't think he is in a full on crises, but he is on the verge. There are real things he needs to address as I do not think he has lived his life connected to himself, rather has been what everyone else wanted him to be. To his credit he has been a great dad and he has stuck it out until his youngest just graduated college.
I have engaged with him, I am trying to get him to start understanding why he is unhappy, that just leaving and getting his own place, time to himself, etc won't magically fix anything. I suspect it won't matter, but considering he did reach out and hint that something was going on may have been a kind of search for help. I listened, reflected and even shared a little about my W. And I tried to tell him that the path she chose did not lead to happiness, that many years later she is just as unhappy.
It is so much easier to change things and understand ourselves than to blow our lives up. But I guess people prefer to take the hard path.
Link to previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12043.0
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Forgot to mention he also has a high intensity new sport exercise, a new batch of exercise friends he feels are his "real" friends and I suspect there is a woman in the group that he thinks highly of. Script.
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Once you see certain patterns, you can’t unsee them, can you? Very Script as you say. Increasingly I believe that we live in an age of Entitlement to an almost childlike degree (it auto corrected to Enlightenment lol, I wish)…all rights and no obligations, too much Me and not enough We, a lot of Now and not much Past or Future. It’s a strange time and many of us are scratching our heads at lots of things, I think.
It seems reasonable to me that anyone has the right to make big changes in their life, including choosing to end their marriage. What I find perplexing is why people choose to do so with chaos and deceit as opposed to digging deep for grace and compassion and fairness for everyone affected by their choices.
I understand your compassionate desire to see if you might sway your old mentee to choose wisely, Marvin. However I hope you will also be careful about how much of that MLC ‘vibe’ you allow in your life….it’s a bit poisonous imho…what’s that old phrase about dining with a long spoon? 😝
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Hi Treasur, oh absolutely, I do NOT intend to get very involved. I plan to simply put a small speed bump on his path, and give him some options. Then it's all up to him. I am pretty sure we both know how this story is going to unfold.
To his credit he is not causing mass destruction (yet) unlike some stories here, and to be honest I never really believed they had a strong marriage. He was always a bit malleable and formed himself and went along with his partners. That already says a lot.