Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Music45 on August 08, 2021, 10:04:59 AM
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New thread time.
Brief recap.
BD in 2016 brought about by huge stress at work.
OW: old school friend. With his counsellor he worked out that he was attached to the feelings he had at her parents house when growing up: of acceptance and safety - things he didn't feel at home. In his MLC state he was seeking out that feeling again but misplaced it with an affair with her. On/off on/off through these past 5 years.
He's wanted back in the marriage several times. Mostly in the first 18 months or so. Then he went off almost completely (bit of contact as he's a clinger but didn't seem him very much).
Past 18 months +: his father died. That brought about a change in him. Got a new job which he loves. Gradually being around more. Back doing things around the house etc.
May - July 2021: around a lot still but backing off. His Mum was in hospital for a week, stress at work. Other things happened. Felt the stress build up in him again.
End of July: I asked him about this. He admitted he was in contact with OW. So boundary crossed: I said I cant be his friend.
No contact since.
That's a very brief snapshot of him.
Me. Standing. Or was. Not sure right now.
My adult kids are (separately) both moving out very soon and I will need to move to somewhere smaller.
Big changes coming and i feel unsettled. I know I'll be fine once we get them sorted and I know where I'll end up but I cant deny I'm feeling a bit sad with it all at the moment.
Need to get my mojo back.
Old thread:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10954.new#new
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Following along, Music!
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Coming along with you to this thread, Music!
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Attaching
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Good update Music.
Understandable that you feel sad with all this change on the horizon.
Yours sadness is grief and is the right emotion. Your mojo is still around, you’ll get it back.
Sending you a hug
Rose 🌹
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I’m sorry Music. Be kind to yourself. Sending much love your way!
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Just thought I would come and journal a bit and try to get my head in order because right now, I don't even fully understand how I feel..
The good news is that the house is finally mine.. After over 3 years of uncertainty, the bank finally confirmed H has been removed from the mortgage and title deeds are in the process of being updated. It's great and a relief but I can't say I actually feel happy, I just feel meh and I don't understand why... Over the last few months I have made a lot of changes in the house, it really looks so much nicer and homey than when H was here but it feels like something is missing.. It's hard to put my finger on it.
The other news is that divorce is filed and pretty much aligns with the separation agreement H and I put in place nearly 3 years ago. The only issue I have with it is that the rented property is still owned by both of us and there doesn't seem to be much effort from his side to get that finalised. The bank won't agree to remove me from the mortgage as H is out of the country and he doesn't want to sell.. Divorce won't be final for a long time yet as things move very slow in this country but I would like to have absolutely everything done and dusted when it gets to the point where I sign the dotted line. I just feel I need to cut all ties. Not because I hate him or anything like that but this limbo is not allowing me to really move forward with my life. I feel stuck in this MLC story that will never end and I seem to be going backwards for the last couple of months.
There hasn't been any contact and I haven't heard anything about him so I have no idea what he's up to. He has truly become a vanisher and part of me still struggles to comprehend how someone who was the most important person in my life for so many years can simply walk away and not look back. I can't get over the betrayal and the abandonment and while it's been a long time since I hit rock bottom and I felt my life was meaningless without him, the wounds are still there and I don't think they will ever heal. This thought worries me as it makes me wonder if I will ever feel safe and content in a relationship again.
And that brings me to what's bothering me the most... My relationship with B. I actually can see in myself a lot of what I saw in H between BD1 and BD2.. I feel down, I don't feel fulfilled in the relationship, I don't feel the connection we once had.. Life has become a routine without much joy in it and I started to resent him... And dare I say, it feels like the only way to "do the right thing for me" is to end the relationship... Does that sound familiar? It scares me to even write this as this is the first time I'm allowing myself to express how I really feel...
The problem I have is that having had the experience I had with H, it makes me question why I feel this way. Am I having my own MLC? Am I depressed and still dealing with the grief of my marriage ending? Or is it really a matter of B and I not being suited to each other? I don't have the history with B, we are together just shy of 2 years, most of our relationship has been during the pandemic so life hasn't been "normal"... I'm not rewriting years of history because those years weren't there... I just know that right now, sometimes I look at him and I don't like what I see. I have tried talking to him about it but his own wounds don't allow him to have a meaningful conversation about it so nothing gets resolved.... But the worst part is that I don't want to be like H... I don't want to hurt or abandon B but I can't ignore what I feel either.. I'm spinning at the moment.. Maybe this is something I needed to get through to make peace with why H left, a sort of life lesson, idk... I just don't know how to get myself out of it.
Sorry for the rambling... It got a lot of tears and anguish out of me to write this down so I guess that's good... I still feel this is the only place where I can come and be truly honest..
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A few thoughts in no particular order:
Kahil Gibran quote: The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
My take on that is don´t despair, you are processing the emotional sweeping to make room for the joy to enter.
In terms of B, please read some of what Helen Fisher, a researcher on the biology of love, has written regarding romantic relationships. There is about a 18-24 month neurochemically driven phase and then when the "happy" chemicals subside, there is reality. It´s also well worth watching some Esther Perel videos or listening to her podcast- bottom line is that without some novelty in your relationship, trouble brews. We are in remarkable times with Covid, so tap into your creative side to find novelty outside of what was possible with no travel restrictions.
Hang in there,
FTT
Kudos for doing all the house mortgage and deed paperwork.
I get that feeling of not being able to grasp how someone so important could completely vanish, but it gets less prominent over time- like a note that carries on for a long time with far less volume. For me the wounds have taken time to heal and I´m still working on being a fully trusting person again.
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One Day-
Congrats on the house!!! That is a huge step and one I am in the process of as well. On your relationship with B what really stuck out to me is that you feel the communication aspect isnt there. I know for me after everything that happened with my XH that is the one thing I will not compromise on.
I no longer want to have the same conversation due to things never getting resolved. Me doing all the talking and in the end I am talking at someone instead of talking with someone. Maybe he was meant to be in your life to get you to the next phase.
Some people are just meant to be a season in our lives. Also, on your H. Isn't that the million dollar question. What happened??? How did we get here? Then I realized it really is all about them. Internal struggles that were there that just finally surfaced in the worst way. They are lost. They will continue to be lost until they decide to do the work. What I do know is my XH is miserable!! He hates himself now. It has NOTHING to do with me. We really are just casualties in their fight with themselves.
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One day, I have no advice to give other than to second the great things that have already been shared here. You are absolutely safe here to explore all of the feelings you’re having. And I think the main difference between what you’re doing and what happens in MLC is that you are examining this and exploring the underlying reasons; you tried to talk to B, and beyond that you are aware of the reasons he can’t talk about things effectively. MLCers tend to just blow it all up - they don’t really have awareness of how much damage they’re causing or necessarily care how people other than themselves are affected.
There’s no clear right answer; sometimes relationships aren’t forever, but on the other hand, you are at that two year mark, which can be an inflection point. The best thing you can do is exactly what you’re doing - examine, consider, search within yourself, and then honor the truth of what you find.
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I've been thinking about your post and hoping I could think up some brilliant and helpful response. But unfortunately, I don't have much to add. You seem to be looking at things from every angle and weighing things carefully. There's probably not an easy answer to any of this. But I do think you're going about it the right way. My only advice would be to make decisions about B from a place of serenity and rationality if you can. But that's really difficult.
Am I having my own MLC? Am I depressed and still dealing with the grief of my marriage ending? Or is it really a matter of B and I not being suited to each other?
Wow. I've wondered this about myself more than once. My first year post-divorce was a little on the crazy side. In my case, after 3 years with a wallower, I felt like someone who was just let out of house arrest. (Hello, Ladies! ;D) I dated a LOT and jumped straight into a relationship with a wonderful but damaged professor (you may remember Professor Foxy ;D). It was great at the time, but I increasingly realized it wasn't a relationship that was built to last. I totally bungled the breakup, but I was right to end it.
There were times that year I wondered if I was having an MLC of my own. Or if my relationships were a form of pain relief.
Have you ever been stuck in traffic for a long time? You feel like you're wasting your life. And then, when the traffic breaks up, there's this strong temptation to drive like a maniac to make up for lost time. I think a lot of us LBS feel like that. We've invested years or decades on someone. And now we feel like we have to drive a million miles an hour to get back on track. That's how I felt at least. I don't think I was having any MLC since I wasn't trying to resolve issues from my childhood or youth. I was just driving like hell to catch up. I'm not sure if that's what you've been feeling or not, but I think it may be common amongst folks like us.
Like I said, I have no brilliant advice. Sorry. But I'm confident you'll come through this stronger. Keep in touch!
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Attaching.
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Joining your new thread, Music. Understandable you're feeling a bid sad. The kids growing up and leaving is hard on us. As long as the kids are around, I find I'm distracted by their noise and their company. Also having to face a house change is big, so no wonder you are feeling the weight. But as everyone said, you'll do just great. You will get your mojo back.
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Following along 8)
-SS
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Attaching....
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Happy New Year to all the LBSs out there, I hope 2022 brings healing, growth and peace for all of us!! We all need it :)
I haven't updated my thread in a few months, not much has happened or changed.. I think this is the way it goes a few years after BD, specially if you have a semi vanisher like mine.. Life moves on, the new reality takes over and every now and again I hear little things "from the other side"
I was trying to look back and see the contact I had with H over the last couple of years... 9 different mail exchanges, most of them initiated by me to sort practicalities out as H seems to be happy living his fantasy life with OW and not dealing with the reality of the mess he left behind.. The 2 exchanges he initiated were:
- Aug 2020 when he told me he was filing for divorce.. He clearly thought it would be gut wrenching for me but at that stage I thought there was no point in hanging on to a marriage that didn't exist so it felt like that logical thing to do and I pretty much said that to him..
- Jan 2021 where he asked me for property valuations at the time of separation. He completely forgot about the fact that we never got official valuations, he asked me back then to talk to the auctioneers and ask for the ranges (he couldn't even be bothered doing that) - We had a whatsapp conversation at the time in which I said what the values of the 2 properties were and that's what we used as the basis for our financial settlement. In my mail response last year I included the whatsapp conversation we had at the time of separation which went with the updated profile picture which included OW... That was the first time there was a clear understanding that I knew about her... the same OW that "had nothing to do with the end of our marriage and meant nothing" ::)
Since that point he has vanished even more.. he only responds to my mails (which haven't been many), sometimes needs a bit of pushing to do that.. I would say that once the divorce is done and we sort the rental property, I will never hear from him again. If I'm very honest, I don't know how I feel about that... Right now I get 0 from any contact with him so I only contact him when it's necessary.. But I do know we still have things to sort out so limbo is still there. Some time ago my IC said that despite the fact that I'm in a new relationship, I'm not divorced and we still have pending business so I don't have the sense of closure.. and I think she might be on to something. Over the past few months I realized I'm not as far as I thought I was in the healing process.. I think about H, I still miss what our relationship felt like, I miss getting up in the morning and never doubt H for a second.. betrayal and hurt were not even on my radar... Will I ever feel like that again?
And that's when things get confusing for me, do I miss H or do I miss that sense of safety that I had before MLC? I think back and we had our differences, I felt very frustrated at times with him but I guess the love I had for him allowed me to get through those moments without thinking "is this relationship right for me?" To me, the decision was made, he was my H and we were going to grow old together, whatever he did or said didn't cause any doubts in my head.... This is not the experience I'm having in my current relationship... There's constant doubt.. "is he good for me? Should I tolerate this? Am I better off alone?" It's exhausting!
And just as I'm trying to force myself to focus on my current life and really try to leave the past in the past, I see H looks at my LinkedIn profile.. Ok, maybe he just got curious.. We met and worked for the same company for years. He used to say to me I would never have the courage to leave the company as it was a "safe bet".. And probably I would have never left if I was still married to him.. I was a very different person then, too afraid to make decisions that could backfire... But a year and a half ago I left my job of 20 years and ventured out into the world.. I guess the silver lining of getting the rug pulled from under you is that eventually you learn that you can get back up and you are stronger than ever.. I do feel that way in many aspects of my life.. not so much in my love life.
A few more things have trickled through the past few days.. I heard that H's brother doesn't like OW. He thinks H is obsessed with her and she's very controlling. BIL has not been able to have one conversation with H without OW being there. I read that in many threads here, it seems to be part of MLC and I guess I shouldn't be surprised.. I also heard that H and OW are coming home for 2 weeks' holiday next week... I don't expect to hear from him or have any interaction but I remember I felt very uneasy the last time they came over 2 years ago... This will be another test for me to see where I'm at... I'm not looking forward to it.
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Happy New Year and thanks for the update. And thanks for sharing and your insights.
You are so correct, healing (and as I would past a point it becomes growth) is a long term process, but in my opinion its a good thing. I related to a lot of what you shared. I used to feel the same way about my W. But now I question whether that "unconditional trust" was ever a good idea. I am not saying this from a place of fear of hurt, rather from a place of growth. I too miss that naive almost childlike trust (I am saying this about me, not about how you felt to be clear). Maybe I needed that back then, but I know I don't need that now in my life.
I am not sure if its a bad idea to always ask "is this relationship good for me?" or "should I tolerate this?" I don't mean the answer is to just bolt, rather to make corrections and put up boundaries as needed, and ultimately if something just can't work its something we are better off to acknowledge. Obviously this all changes a lot when there are beliefs and specially children involved. But otherwise it allows for natural and organic growth (or lack thereof) of a relationship. I know that all the times my friend and I have had difficult but frank discussions it has led to more trust and more intimacy because we both showed we can talk through these issues, that we are in this with both our eyes open.
I think it already is great that you are ready for the visit next week. I hope it shows you how much stronger you are and that maybe his visit (or the idea) won't have the depth of effect on you that it may have had before. Two years is a lot of time for change.
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Happy new year lovely! Glad to see your update.
I think things like the visit will show you just how much you have grown. You’ll be able to have a definitive point and say “this happened 2 years ago and I felt x, this time I felt y”. It does help you see that things do change and we do grow. I have no doubt you’ll shock yourself
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I think back and we had our differences, I felt very frustrated at times with him but I guess the love I had for him allowed me to get through those moments without thinking "is this relationship right for me?" To me, the decision was made, he was my H and we were going to grow old together, whatever he did or said didn't cause any doubts in my head.... This is not the experience I'm having in my current relationship...
I so get this!!! I miss that sense of peace knowing that no matter what you ate in it for the long haul. Those moments of doubt come and go and you just appreciate that you have made it through so much with this person. I think for the LBS we lost all that sense of security in knowing someone loved us and only us. The MLCer doesn’t have that sane loss, do they? They get to move on and still have that security in the love we had. I think I miss that the most. Knowing you may never get that feeling and security again with someone. I hope that is not true.
Happy New Year!! Wishing you the best in this New Year!!!
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One Day,
I can attest as well to the recurring feelings of doubt and questioning... xW's D was final in August 2019 so that "closure" of sorts is there although I have regular contact with her due to co-parenting minor kids... Add to that the "Once bitten, twice shy" thing (OK, how about more like "Twice bitten, 4000 times shy" in my case) and it does make for an occasionally exhausting slog... which, of course, feeds right back into the "Would I be better off alone." I can honestly say "No, I wouldn't be" in my current situation but that doesn't mean that the trigger isn't there or that the thoughts don't creep in once in a while....
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Hi all, thanks for your comments, it really helps to see I'm not alone in the way I feel.
Marvin, everything you said made me think quite a bit and you are right.
I too miss that naive almost childlike trust
That's actually a very apt definition.. and while I felt a little bit offended by it when I first read it (and I know that was not at all your intention), it actually made me realize that I looked up to H like a child looks up to his/her parents. He was there, he had my back, he would make things better if something went wrong, no matter what he did, he was still up there in my pedestal.. It was a very nice "safe" feeling but made life a 1000 times worse when he decided to leave. Part of my problem now is that I probably went to the polar opposite and I struggle to rely on or trust anyone, that includes my partner. My work right now is to find a happy medium, it won't be easy but I'm willing to put in the work.
Sachat, still figuring out how I feel as his trip got delayed, more on that later!
Tornup, I have read some threads here where people find themselves in much better relationships and they realize now how wrong their marriage was. So I guess it varies from person to person.. I certainly haven't felt that feeling of security yet.. I will never trust anyone blindly again but I want to believe I will feel more "settled" in my new life eventually.
UM, thank you.. Yes, it's easy to feel like running away when things get hard or emotions are running high.. When I was on my own, I felt more "peaceful" but the fact that i didn't have anyone in my life triggering me made it a lot easier.. I think I would have a lot of doubt and questioning no matter who I was with.. which means I need to work on that rather than blaming everyone else in a very MLC fashion ::)
Update
H's trip got delayed as H and OW had covid... (I "nearly" felt sorry for them.... Ok, not really ;D ) I was relieved in a way because the build up was making me uneasy.. I heard yesterday that H and OW arrived 2 days ago and I felt meh... Ex SIL gave me the heads up in case he makes contact, I actually laughed at the idea. I would be VERY surprised if he does. First, because he's a vanisher of sorts so I'd say he would even struggle with the thoughts of facing me.. Second, because OW is here with him, if she is as controlling as ex BIL says, she will not allow him to see me without her.. and I really doubt he will meet me with her in tow, although who knows with these crazy MLCs..
The good news is that I have no anxiety and I don't really care what they do or who they see. It's early days, I haven't seen pictures or anything but so far, so good. I'm a little bit curious but more from a "get the popcorn and watch the show" perspective. She comes from a different culture, she has had very little interaction with H's family and they can get loud and pretty aggressive when they drink (which happens often) They will stay here for a month apparently so she will spend a lot of time with "her new family", it should be interesting! 8)
As for me, I decided to go back to the IC I had when my life exploded.. I feel like a lot of the difficulties I have in my new relationship are related to what I went through. Just to be clear, I'm not blaming myself for all of it but a lot of my feelings and emotions are driven by my past and are impacting my present. I only had 2 sessions so far but I think it was the right step for me as I'm seeing things in a different way. Time will tell but I'm feeling hopeful :)
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Thanks for the update One Day.
As for me, I decided to go back to the IC I had when my life exploded.. I feel like a lot of the difficulties I have in my new relationship are related to what I went through. Just to be clear, I'm not blaming myself for all of it but a lot of my feelings and emotions are driven by my past and are impacting my present.
Sounds like a good idea. I've been there myself. I've recently seen my IC and we talked about my challenges with allowing myself to be vulnerable and less self-protective. "Once bitten, twice shy" has been a thing for me. I'm sure it is for a lot of us.
I'm not sure if you're dealing with some of the same issues, but my IC really helped me to see that holding back and not being vulnerable in my current relationship deprives not just my partner, but also myself. Limiting vulnerability also limits the potential depth and richness of a relationship. But trusting someone with our hearts after we've had them broken is definitely easier said than done!
Good luck with dealing with H and OW's visit to his family. Not your circus anymore!
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Thanks PJ, good to hear from you!!!
Yes, it sounds like we are going through a very similar thing. My IC talks about my fear of being hurt again so any situation that triggers me, makes me put my walls up and I want to run away. She thinks that even if I was to end the relationship, I will probably go through this again in my next relationship. The wounds only become visible when we have someone in our lives that is trying to get close. Another interesting thing she said is that my 15 years with H have conditioned me and I'm looking at my current relationship through the lens of what my marriage used to be and how I felt in it. B is very different to H so our interactions are completely different... Different doesn't mean bad or wrong but my brain sometimes see them that way.
I have to say, I'm very glad I took the step to go back to counselling to work through this. It's opening my eyes to a lot of stuff that I probably wouldn't see on my own.
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Hi everyone.
Thought it was time I updated.
Kids have both moved out now. I see them every few days and speak to/message them a lot. They're both doing ok which is great.
I'll be (hopefully) moving soon. Same village but smaller. I'm near enough the kids and it feels the right place to be. I have mixed feelings about moving: on one hand this has been a happy family home with all those memories but on the other it's too big for just me and I'm looking forward to making the new place mine. I think mostly I just wish it was done so I can move on. Not long now I hope.
H. Well. Coming up on 6 years next month since BD. This time last year he was around a LOT. Fog definitely thinner but it closed in on him again by late summer. He was "friends" with OW again so I left him to it. He told me a few months ago he didn't want to be in a relationship with anyone so communication gradually and slowly picked up again. Nothing at all like last year though.
2 weeks ago it was S birthday. I asked H if he wanted to have a meal with just us (we were due all to go out with MiL and Sil the next day). He declined. Saturday night and he was going out.
Well I thought that's a red flag. Again. Sure enough he's back in a relationship with OW again. Probably has been for a while I expect.
So that's it. Back to no communication from me. Rope dropped. He had and tried to continue to message me goodnight every night still. When I stopped replying he eventually gave up. Now we barely message unless necessary.
Been here before of course. Still sucks. I'm just disappointed in him. Disappointed in me for having some mild expectations last year when he was doing better. Disappointed that he couldn't keep moving forward. Disappointed that he's still gone back to that relationship that clearly is not the answer (as it's been on off on off so many times).
So that's me. There's probably more I could write but that's the essence of it. Bring on the house move. Glad summer is coming.
Hugs all.
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Hi Music45,
Nice to read you again but sorry that H still has his head planted firmly up his .... fog....
I hope that your move will be everything that you hope it will be and that your new place is full of life and joy and peace, regardless of what H decides to do.... Sometimes, we look at the situation from the outside and can't do much more than shake our heads and wonder "WTF?" and get on with our lives, right?
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Thanks Ursa. Yes. Dead right. I think it was Sam (not sure - apologies if wrong) who said that watching H is a bit like watching a science experiment. I agree with that 100% as the kids say ;D.
I'm interested in what's happening but I get on with everything else while it's happening.
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Hi Music :D
Six years..... they sure take their time don't they?
Feel for you.
-SS
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Don't they though, SS....sigh.
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Nice that you are able to move and still stay near your kids. Sounds as though you've become well versed in getting on with life and life's happenings.
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Lovely to see a update from you.
I’m glad the delayed visit from your H and Ow didn’t trigger you. I sometimes think the build up is more triggering than the actual visit. I remember watching a video will smith did, about sky diving. In it he said he was panicking the night before about the sky dive, he was terrified the morning of the dive but why? He was firmly on the ground at the time. And that’s why they usually say “three, two” and they go on “two” because at 1, everyone clings to the door frame for dear life. But I guess it’s similar.
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Thanks Still. I have my good days and bad days like everyone but overall I'm ok...I think!
Musing here but do they change "type" these MLCers? Even after so long: 6 years in H's case?
He's been a clinging boomerang throughout. False returns in the first 18 months, touch and go last year but consistent with contact all the way through. Regular messages usually on WhatsApp. Regular calls. Even in his foggiest patches he was never much out of contact. Instigated by him 99% of the time. I just follow his lead.
Until now. I've gone dark on him as he's renewed life with the OW. Been on and off so no surprise there....but this time I've had maybe 2 messages in a month.
Do climbers turn into semi vanishers...even so long after BD?
Just curious...
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Do clingers turn into semi vanishers...even so long after BD?
Just curious...
Good question and, if I am going to try to taste green with my elbow and guess....
Maybe now that he has renewed his contact with OW and you have enforced your boundary of OW meaning no contact (or very little), he is pulling back because he realizes that you were NOT bluffing.... It could also be that OW is keeping a vice-grip on his doodads so he doesn't have contact with you.... It could also be that he is so ashamed of his weakness for OW that he can't face you as much as he used to ....
Without being there (like the proverbial fly on the wall) it is impossible to tell what is inside that muddled mind...
YUM YUM! GREEN!
(https://media.giphy.com/media/3o72EZ6EzqhOs0fy1O/giphy.gif)
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i’m interested in what's happening but I get on with everything else while it's happening
I was just saying this to a friend the other day[/quote]
Maybe now that he has renewed his contact with OW and you have enforced your boundary of OW meaning no contact (or very little), he is pulling back because he realizes that you were NOT bluffing.... It could also be that OW is keeping a vice-grip on his doodads so he doesn't have contact with you.... It could also be that he is so ashamed of his weakness for OW that he can't face you as much as he used to
ALL OF THIS!!!!!! Also, IMHO once they decide they are all in in making this new life work, that when the real disconnect happens. The thick of the fog and living the new life they chose. That what I see. There is a bit of comfort finally in that. Letting them live it. It took me hitting my own rock bottom to get there. Acceptance that “ it is what it is”
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Good question Music.
I am along the same timeline as you and feel similar. H has been in contact throughout and I could see him recent become a vanisher. He’s not though but I couldn’t see it before but can imagine it now. It’s just so much better from this side when we don’t see him as much, easier from his side too I imagine. I don’t want to have that though, hard as it is, I’d rather keep a little contact up if i can for the children.
Your H was around more than mine and in daily contact for a long time. My H was around 3 weeks to start with, then 3 months, then around 6 months without much contact. I let him initiate too, almost always.
How are you doing?
Rose 🌹
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Thanks Ursa, Mad and Rose.
All of that makes sense Ursa. Completely. What I find interesting though is why now. 6 years in. The OW has been a constant (if on/off) through the last 6 years (it's the same one)...so all of those factors : guilt, pressure from her etc. must have been present before...
Maybe you're right Mad, maybe he's finally committed to the other life or trying to and is trying to make that work, without the inconvenience of having a wife! Ridiculous when you actually type it out.
Who knows? And before Ursa tells me off, I know I can't taste green with my elbow....
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I think they do need us out of the “picture” to live their new life fully without us to blame for any of their unhappiness. It took me a while to get their, but honestly there is no doubt for me that his OW is nothing. Nada!! My X married her after only having 26 dates spread out over 9 months. Then lost his job of 38 years due to poor performance. A job he should have been able to do in his sleep. That shows total mind failure to function. Now new marriage and no job and severe depression. My X is showing it all doesn't work out. Some of us get to see it clearly and some of us don't, but as my therapist says…when they go to kay their head down at night do you think they sleep? No, thats when all of it begins to weigh heavy on their soul. I believe that. So, let them live it.
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I think all of our xes are similar! That's why they say it follows a script!
My XW kept up contact for several years as she dragged out the divorce. I found out OM wasn't divorced as she claimed.
I don't remember who got divorced first, but it clearly was a game of chicken for them! After they both divorced, they got married. XW got fired somewhere in the mix too. Oh so script! 😂
She's now thrown herself into getting through college. I'd say good for her, but I think it's another form of avoidance. I know she's living with guilt and regret as she was involuntary committed soon after our divorce.
What a tangled web they weave! But they're the ones trapped in it.
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Hi all... It's been a while!
I still read the forum here and there but life has gotten quite busy and I don't always find the time to update.. I see this as a positive sign in a way, I still remember the time where I used to spend every spare minute here, pouring my eyes out and trying to cling to smallest hope that H will come back...
I have continued working with my IC for the last few months. It really has been a breakthrough for me as it has shown me how much the whole MLC experience has affected me and how it continues to condition my life today, specially in my relationship with B. I found it very interesting to realize how clouded thinking can make you perceive reality in a very different way than it really is.. The clouded thinking comes from fear and trauma in my case.. I'm not "cured" or "healed" but having this understanding helps me to stop and reflect when I feel triggered. Still work in progress but I'm feeling hopeful. B and I hit a very rough patch at the beginning of the year and we were pretty much calling it quits but we finally got to the realization that we both have been badly hurt in the past and fear was fueling a lot of our anger. Triggers are still there but we are both managing them better and very slowly we are getting more comfortable showing our vulnerability.
Nothing much on the H front. He visited his family a few months ago with OW. I didn't hear from him (no surprises there) and apparently they will be coming back in December for a family wedding. No talks of coming home for good yet which continues to baffle me when I think about the H I knew. No pregnancy either (that I know of) which again, I can't understand considering they are married over a year and the dream of having a family was what supposedly brought them together. I do wonder though if that might be on the cards now as H briefly came out from under the rock that he's been hiding for over a year and sent me a mail enquiring about the divorce papers as my lawyer wasn't responding to his. Maybe she's putting pressure on him as no matter what bs wedding they had in her country, H is still married here and she has absolutely no rights if they try to move back. At this stage, what he does or doesn't do no longer affects my life. The breakup of my marriage will continue to be a very painful part of my life and I wish it didn't happen but my life has moved in a different direction now. I would be lying if I said I never think of him or question wtf happened but my life is pretty good now, even if the emotional damage caused by MLC continues to haunt me.
A curious fact... My exSIL (married to H's brother) was at exFIL and exSIL's house last weekend. She doesn't go often as that relationship is very tense due to how the treated me when H decided to walk.. The previous time she was there, the entrance hall was getting painted so all the pictures were off the wall.. Last weekend, pictures were back on the wall, including pictures of my wedding :o Not one picture of H and OW anywhere.. My x inlaws haven't talked to me in years and they were over the moon when H "married" OW so why hang the picture back up? The mind boggles.
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Hi One day, nice to hear from you.
You sound good. I'm glad your relationship with B is on the mend and you're working things out.
I'm sure it takes time when you both were hurt so badly to trust again.
The wedding picture back on the wall??? Who can explain crazy. ::) :o
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Wow, the wedding picture will surely be a little tigger for OW…bahahahaha moment ;D
You sound good and it’s impossible not to have those WTF moments creep in. Now when they happen I just say out loud ba$turd :-\ then give a little chuckle. It changes my thoughts right away. I no longer linger in those moments.
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Hanging the wedding pictures back up does sound crazy. That reminds me of a situation I had when I was a single M to my oldest. S22's F and his GF moved to an apartment together. When S22's dad finally put an interest in seeing S22 when he was 15 months old I took him to their home to visit. Hanging on the wall was a love poem that I had written and framed, to S22's F. I was just kind of like :o - this wasn't a place that he lived previous to her moving in. They moved there together and decorated. Just seemed weird as heck. I was engaged to MLCer at that point. And we got married when S22 was 18 months old. The GF became the Step Mom and they are still together but I still shake my head at that love poem. I would feel weird about it if I had been her.
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That is a bit weird. No weirder I guess that my FIL still having pics of us as a family on his wall. Even weirder IMO is when SIL2 decided 2 Xmas’s ago that she would put together a family montage of pics in a frame for FIL. She asked H for pics and he sent her one of him and OW… but also pics of me and Ds (that he must have gone to my FB page to snatch). So on FILs wall is this big frame with pics of the whole family. At the top is me and 3 Ds. At the bottom is H and OW. So weird.
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That's weird too Ever. Ick, sharing a frame with OW. Ick, ick, ick.
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A curious fact... My exSIL (married to H's brother) was at exFIL and exSIL's house last weekend. She doesn't go often as that relationship is very tense due to how the treated me when H decided to walk.. The previous time she was there, the entrance hall was getting painted so all the pictures were off the wall.. Last weekend, pictures were back on the wall, including pictures of my wedding :o Not one picture of H and OW anywhere.. My x inlaws haven't talked to me in years and they were over the moon when H "married" OW so why hang the picture back up? The mind boggles.
The FOO Poo is getting deep on that side of the farm.....
(https://media.giphy.com/media/l41YtyRlh28gTCEla/giphy.gif)
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Lovely to hear an update from you and you sound to be doing so well. Despite the visit!
The wall reminds me of clingtons mum had a picture of me and him that was on her wall. right outside the bedroom where Ow went 😹 I couldn’t imagine walking into a house and just before I go in my boyfriends bedroom (he was in his 30’s at the time and enjoying a nice box room in his mums house) is a picture of him and his ex ok the wall! HAAAA
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Hi all
I thought I would stop by to update/journal..
Things are moving forward with severing ties with H. There has been a couple of mail exchanges in relation to the divorce.. Things are extremely slow and painful in this country so you literally have to be pushing lawyers to make sure they keep things moving. Our mails are pretty much "Hi, I was talking to my lawyer and she's telling me she's waiting on an answer from yours, can you follow up?" At this point, it looks like we are both equally invested in getting the divorce finalized. I signed the final terms and once he signs, his lawyer can request a court date. I'm hoping we can get it done and dusted before the end of the year or early next year... We really have become 2 complete strangers. I haven’t seen him or spoken to him in 4 years, I have very little idea of what his life is like, if he’s happy or not.. Still amazes me that the person who I spent 15 years of life with can vanish just like that.
In July he mailed me to let me know he was putting the investment property up for sale. I must confess, while this is something I wanted done (as I'm still a co-owner on paper but have nothing to do with it), I had a day or 2 of sadness over it.. This was our first home.. I remember going to view the property on Valentine's day 2006 and putting the deposit down. We moved in in June that year and were so excited and full of hope for the future. This is the home where we lived when we got married.. so many memories came to my head… And none of them matter anymore or at least that’s how I feel because that “love story” ended in such a heart wrenching way.
Anyway, the end is near and I’m hoping that brings some sort of closure. I will probably continue to be curious about how things unravel for him. I heard that OW is back in her home country so H is on his own (again). I’m not sure if this means trouble in paradise or what. H and OW are supposed to be coming over for a wedding in December but OW might not get a visa to come.. And it sounds like if she doesn’t get the visa, H won’t come either. From the cheap seats it looks like he’s now allowed to come alone.
It will be interesting to see what happens when the divorce court day comes. My lawyer told me he will have to come.. This was another unsettling moment for me. I thought that since he’s living abroad, his lawyer could represent him but nope, he will have to be here and face me. I really don’t know how I feel about that. I will see a person who I recognize but is a stranger at the same time.. I don’t know what to expect… Do I say hi? What can we possibly talk about?
The reality is that my life is much better than it used to be when I was with him. I feel more “me”, more confident and independent, have great friends and a social life. Professionally I’m in my best moment. My relationship with B has its ups and downs but I think that’s partly due to traumas from the past. The thing is that I’m not afraid to be alone if it comes to that. The person I’m now will cope 1000 times better than the old me.
The only thing that worries me a little is that I feel a bit numb. Even earlier this year when I went back home to see my family after 3 years, everyone kept saying “You must be so excited” “You were probably so happy when you finally saw them” but the reality is that it felt…. Meh? It’s bad in a way but good in others. I used to suffer from anxiety, I used to worry about EVERYTHING.. Now I seem to get on with things without a lot of emotion. I had to go on a work trip last week on my own to a country I’ve never been before. The me from 5 years ago would have had sleepless nights weeks before thinking about it. The fear of travelling alone and the idea of sitting in a restaurant on my own made me very uncomfortable. Now? I literally just got on with it, had some meals alone, walked around the city alone without a care in the world. Is it new found independence or numbness? Do people grow out of the feelings of excitement as they get older or is this part of my healing journey? I feel I have a lot of questions lately that I don’t quite know what to do with.
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One Day!
I decided to stop by and journal for the first time in months and here you are with an update!
You sound good and healthy. I'm sorry you're having to deal with the business side of divorce. But, in my experience, things get a little better after every step in the grieving and separation process. It's not linear, but it got easier for me as I went along. I hope you get some comfort from having more behind you.
Still amazes me that the person who I spent 15 years of life with can vanish just like that.
No kidding. Totally insane. I can't imagine discarding a person like that and I'm sure you couldn't do it either. That's why I want to caution you a bit about hoping for closure. Since this whole thing is completely mad, I don't know if there's any closure from it, the way there would be from more natural/normal situations. I would encourage you to look for acceptance of the situation, crazy though it may be.
I'm with you on the numbness thing. I think it's kind of normal though. I wonder if it's kind of like when you suffer some physical injury and your body tries to protect the injured part. You kind of build a shell around your emotions. I've felt the same way. Like my heart has a callous or something.
Part of it may be that things that used to seem like big deals just aren't anymore. But being vulnerable and open to happiness and sadness may be something we have to slowly learn again. I'll let you know if I figure it out!
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Hi PJ!! I keep looking for your update 🤔
Thanks for your caution notes.. Maybe closure is the wrong word. Divorce and the sale of the investment property will pretty much sever all ties since we have no kids. There will be no more reasons to mail each other, no unfinished business, no reason to ever be in the same room again.. My expectation is that H will then become a true vanisher and I will never hear from him again. While this sounds somehow shocking in a way, it hopefully brings a new layer of healing for me and I'm looking forward to that. We shall see....
Update
So the wait is over, court date has been set for Dec 7th. I didn't hear this from my own lawyer but from H. He had to mail me about something else related to the investment property so he took the opportunity to let me know.. Based on the paperwork he sent me, it sounds like his lawyer will act on his behalf in the end. So no awkward meeting in the court house which is a relief but at the same time it feels like adding insult to injury... he couldn't even be bothered turning up for his own divorce? Anyway, another thing to process and accept. It might make things easier but it feels unfair he continues to hide while I'm the only one who has to show up to the $%&t show HE created.
I guess the latest news got me a bit curious and I went for a little snoop. H changed his profile picture in FB and his family and some friends were very quick to pass remarks about how grim he looks (he does).. This wouldn't be unusual, this is the type of people they are... However H would normally join in with the banter but this time he passed some poor me comment and followed by saying "he was going back to his box" with a crying emoji :o I can only guess that's how he's feeling... "poor me" I really don't recognize the man...
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Well, if you need an appropriate reply for his pity party, here you are:
(https://media.giphy.com/media/gXhBZfzijya76/giphy.gif)
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How interesting that he is not showing for court. I have to say when I went through mine ( 90 day quick as can be) I did it myself. When my lawyer sent me the papers I printed them out and made my XH come to the house and sign them. I did all the work, but I made sure in the end he signed first and I also then made him drive the papers to the my lawyers and drop it off. I was not going to be the one to do it.
However it comes with a mix of emotions and is a whole new bit of mind f’ery to sort out for a bit. I have 2 adult children and a grandson and we still do not speak. After 30 years. I will say that the NC does do wonders for getting on with your life and having more time to focus on YOU. I actually felt ok after the divorce for a couple months. It kind of snuck up behind me later to fully grasp as time does. Your H seems from the FB post to also have a little martyr complex in him. Amazing how they cause it and then want that pity party attention as the victim. This whole journey is just all a crazy WTF is happening and it keeps taking the shocks of the reality to get to the other side of crazy. It did me at least. Wishing you the best. I started my Divorce in December. This time of year makes it a little harder as well, but like you said hopefully it will be the start of some closure and healing and it is. It really is. Even if it is something you never wanted in a million years.
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Maybe closure is the wrong word. Divorce and the sale of the investment property will pretty much sever all ties since we have no kids. There will be no more reasons to mail each other, no unfinished business, no reason to ever be in the same room again.. My expectation is that H will then become a true vanisher and I will never hear from him again. While this sounds somehow shocking in a way, it hopefully brings a new layer of healing for me and I'm looking forward to that. We shall see....
We have the same situation One Day. My h and I have been married for more than a decade and we also have no kids. We don't even have any property so the D should be easy. We have our first trial in two weeks it has caused me a lot of anxiety. Like yours, most likely he will vanished after the D. I was also hoping that after the D I can move on and fully heal.
So no awkward meeting in the court house which is a relief but at the same time it feels like adding insult to injury... he couldn't even be bothered turning up for his own divorce? Anyway, another thing to process and accept. It might make things easier but it feels unfair he continues to hide while I'm the only one who has to show up to the $%&t show HE created.
Probably him not showing up at the court is a good thing. I am dreading the day that I have to face my soon to be Ex at the court. I don't know how I would react. I would wish that we never have to see each other again.
I don't think your H is truly happy. Most of them if not all think they will be happy once they are away from the LBS but because they are actually the problem, they will continue to be unhappy until the time the look inside and work on themselves. The affair or in my H's case his obsession on his triathlon is just an escape and the young OW are just an escape. Unless he finally works on himself maybe then he will be happy again.
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I’m in the middle of my divorce, too. We’re negotiating between ourselves and it’s going well. It’s so weird, he came by where I work, last Wednesday to meet the gas/heat guy at our business and he knew I was having some trouble with my car. The tire sensor light was on for the last couple of months and I had just gotten new tires for the front end, two months ago. Anyways, I think coming by was just an excuse, he asked for the keys to my car and went and put air in my tires for me. He looks terrible. I cannot believe how much he has aged in the last 18 months. It’s very sad to see. I couldn’t even tell you the last time he cut his hair. It was long in April….he still hasn’t cut it! He doesn’t look happy either. To my knowledge, there is no OW but who knows…there could be an online EA…….he’s a wallower. Once the divorce goes through H claims he’s buying or building a house. I bet he builds…he loves doing that…….it will be a GREAT distraction for him not to have to, look at himself. Run and avoid! Run and avoid! Ugh!
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Thanks UM, MadLuv, Dragonfly and Imgood
The divorce part is probably hard for everyone in this situation. I'm over 5 years out and H moved abroad 4 years ago and I have not spoken on the phone or seen him since then so I have been able to accept the marriage is over, heal quite a bit and move on with my life however the divorce still sucks. It's simply a reminder of how the marriage ended and how my life was forced to change. I made the most of it and I'm truly happy with what I achieved since he left but the damage he created with his grand exit is here to stay as far as I can see.
The legal jargon is getting to me. What H sent me sounded like his lawyer will act on his behalf but the additional paperwork I got from my solicitor seems to imply he will be here so back to prepare myself mentally for seeing him after so long. I got in contact with my IC and I will have a few sessions with her before D-Day. This divorce has been in the works for 2 years so is not unexpected. The terms are all agreed and signed already so the court date is a simple tick in the box. I'll be glad to have it done but I guess I'm worried about how I will feel if I have to face him again.
I don't think H is happy. My guess is that he still blames me for his unhappiness as the fact that he's still married to me has prevented him from marry OW officially. That means they can't move together to this country and by the looks of it, she might not be able to live permanently in the country where H is currently (either that or they are constantly having fights and she moves back home) It will be interesting to see what happens once the divorce is finalized.. I'm happy the investment property will be sold as it's quite close to my house and as much as I accepted the marriage is over, I don't think I could tolerate H and OW living in the neighborhood :-X
Here to all of us trying to get through the divorce!!
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There is an old classic movie from 1939 called The Women that is an MLC movie to the T if there ever was one. When the women go to get a divorce from their cheating spouses they go to a ranch in Reno. There is a scene in the movie where the women talk about where love has got them. On the train to Reno. They then lift their glasses and saying “ to Reno” I think that will always come to mind now when I life my glass to cheers anything. Those little movie lines stick and sometimes can make things better in a moment ! Heheh
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Sorry you are going through that. XH's lawyer terrified him (no doubt to extract more money), so when I told him he was going to the court house alone for the dissolution of our marriage before the judge, he called and tried to wheedle me into going.
It was really outlandish. I stood my ground. Like you all said, this was their decision and their circus. I could not prevent it, I have to live with it, but I should not have to partake of it!
He was going by the premise of "I know this woman loves me, so I'll use that to compel her to watch me trample that love underfoot one last time." No thanks. I was responsible 50% for the failure of our marriage, but I did not deserve that.
I told him calmly and sweetly that he had nothing to worry about, there is nothing under the sun that can stop the dissolution, and even if there were I had no intention to sabotage his plans. It was a rare assertion of my will and preference in the end of my cherished union.
I am endlessly grateful that US law is so humane as to concede the right of the unwilling spouse not to have to witness that debacle. I am happy I survived that. It will always mean a lot to me that I was left alone when I needed it the most.
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There is an old classic movie from 1939 called The Women that is an MLC movie to the T if there ever was one. When the women go to get a divorce from their cheating spouses they go to a ranch in Reno. There is a scene in the movie where the women talk about where love has got them. On the train to Reno. They then lift their glasses and saying “ to Reno” I think that will always come to mind now when I life my glass to cheers anything. Those little movie lines stick and sometimes can make things better in a moment ! Heheh
That made me laugh... To be honest, I look at my life now and there has been a lot of good things since H left 4 and a half years ago. Good things in life and in myself, I do feel like a much more improved person overall. And I'm not sure I would be the person I am now if my marriage continued.. It's a very sad situation when I had to have my life blown up to grow but that's essentially what happened to me.
I am endlessly grateful that US law is so humane as to concede the right of the unwilling spouse not to have to witness that debacle. I am happy I survived that. It will always mean a lot to me that I was left alone when I needed it the most.
Yes, here you need to go and stand in front of a judge to "confirm" that there is no chance of reconciliation.. Would you go through the heartache and the expense of the divorce process to then sit in front of the judge and say... "Actually, I changed my mind" If 2 people engage in the process and sign an agreement that deals with all the practicalities, specially when there's no children, why prolong the matter. We've been living in different countries for 4 years!!!!
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Hello everyone
I'm not sure who's still around from 2016 but I caught up with Keeping It Together's thread and I thought maybe I should update mine.
Unlike in KiTs situation though (BD around the same time), my H shows no sign of coming out of his MLC.
He's gone from a clinging boomerang for over 6 years (messages every day etc) and with a lengthy t&g which ended last summer - to a semi vanisher.
He called me out of the blue last Monday and told me he's going to New Zealand (we're in the UK) for 3 months in the New Year. With the OW.
I'd heard of this from S a while ago but didn't think it was for so long.
S was with him the next day and said his Dad is aware that he's running from something and that there's something not right...but he's either unwilling or unable to talk to someone or whatever to get the help he needs.
I don't know what to make of this latest development. As in how it affects my stand. I'm just getting on with life. Moved house in May do have started the long process of doing the place up. Been going to work. Very close to S and D.
Not really sure though how to continue my stand now. He's still running and changed his "contact type". I clearly feature very little in his thoughts now. Even 6 months ago I'd gave been surprised at this latest turn - given how much I saw and heard from him.
Hugs all.
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He's gone from a clinging boomerang for over 6 years (messages every day etc) and with a lengthy t&g which ended last summer - to a semi vanisher.
He called me out of the blue last Monday and told me he's going to New Zealand (we're in the UK) for 3 months in the New Year. With the OW.
I'd heard of this from S a while ago but didn't think it was for so long.
S was with him the next day and said his Dad is aware that he's running from something and that there's something not right...but he's either unwilling or unable to talk to someone or whatever to get the help he needs.
I don't know what to make of this latest development. As in how it affects my stand. I'm just getting on with life.
Nice to hear from you, Music! Different situation here, but similar timescale. Can’t recall, are you legally divorced now or just separated? How old are your kids?
From stories here, those changes in contact ‘types’ are not unusual over time. I guess if you use MLC logic, it’s like throwing spaghetti at a wall to see what sticks...still not ‘happy’ so i’ll try x or y now.
On a practical level, as someone with a long vanished Vanisher lol, I think there comes a point where what they do or don’t do no longer makes much difference to how everyday life is to you. In NZ or down the road, partying like a happy spring lamb or sobbing into their boots unseen, it all has no real effect on your own day to day life, challenges and joys. Which in a strange way is actually the gift of a vanisher imho. And it allows one perhaps to chew less on whether one is standing or not until or unless something changes that raises the question again. One learns I think, as it sounds you are doing, to just do life regardless.
A bit odd, of course, that he thought his plans needing announcing to you or that you would care ::) well, not odd for a self-obsessed MLCer unable to look beyond their own nose, of course ::) Does it matter to you now? Why do you think he felt the need to share this information with you? Is it something you feel you need to muse on at all?
Sounds as if the rest of life is going ok though?
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Hello Music45, thanks for dropping by with your update.
Your son's observation is very astute:
S was with him the next day and said his Dad is aware that he's running from something and that there's something not right...but he's either unwilling or unable to talk to someone or whatever to get the help he needs.
What is hard to wrap our heads around is how many years they continue down this path. Looking for that "next big thing" that will satisfy their hearts. Do they ever find it? I don't know because I am not in their head.
This tremendous shift in them, although we can "see" it..it is still difficult at times to accept this is who they have become....
I don't know what to make of this latest development. As in how it affects my stand. I'm just getting on with life. Moved house in May do have started the long process of doing the place up. Been going to work. Very close to S and D.
Over time, healing allows us to move forward in our own life. Like you, I have a very close relationship with my daughter who also is very aware of the changes in her father.
Standing is such an individual and complicated thing. It is also very mysterious because I would never have thought this would be my path...and yet it is. It hasn't changed, although I question and wonder why.....but mostly I accept that this is God's desire for me....it is not about my husband's returning, but my own inner beliefs and how I wish to live my life.
You will know what is right for you. Standing doesn't mean putting my life on hold or waiting for him to return. Two things of many that it means to me is that I don't date (and there are several reasons I think for that) and the door has always remained opened for my husband to come back to our family.
Nobody can decide for you.
He's gone from a clinging boomerang for over 6 years (messages every day etc) and with a lengthy t&g which ended last summer - to a semi vanisher.
It is quite common for the MLCer to do this...periods where they interact more with us, then long periods of time go by without hearing from them and then we hear from them again. This can be very unsettling until we reach a point where we are very aware that this is his "pattern". As Ursa says...trying to understand it is like trying to taste the color green.
Although I continue to remain interested in the subject of what causes MLC (just like I am fixated on COVID having been an infectious disease nurse for much of my career) I also accept that there is much I cannot explain or comprehend about his life.
I hope you are enjoying your new home and your son and daughter.
One thing about his announcement that he is going to NZ and why he would let you know....I remember being told a long time ago that the MLCer is like a little boy about to get on his school bus, and he looks back to see if you are there watching him.
You are a person that he trusts, no matter how far away, he will continue to have a connection to you. What it means down the road, best not to focus on that because we truly do not know what life holds for us.
(((HUGS))) back and enjoy this beautiful holiday season!
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Hello Treasur - thank you for your reply. My S is 30 and D is 23. I am their stepmum - they have no contact with their Mum [their choice and that's a whole other story]. We are separated in every practical way but not divorced. H has never brought it up and I haven't felt like it so far.
I don't know why he called to tell me. He sounded very odd. I'd say nervous. Apprehensive. Certainly not entitled or matter of fact. He also tried to justify the trip - which contradicted what he'd told S some months ago. I don't know why he felt that necessary. As you rightly say, in all practical terms, he could be a mile away for 3 months and I might not see him now.
For some reason, for me, his trip feels significant - and I can't put my finger on why.
Thanks xyzcf. S is astute...he picks up far more than he appears to. He and D have a lot of baggage from their relationship with their Mum and one of the consequences of this is that S doesn't show much emotion and can seem a bit cold - when in fact he notices everything and feels things deeply. He's in counselling and has been for some time and will be for some time - mainly because his mum and a lot now because of his Dad [who definitely did not want to be a parent anymore at BD - he said as much]
Poor kids. Both parents have turned out to be challenging - though I hope in H's case, it's not permanent and damage can be repaired. I'm fairly sure that S would have nothing more to do with his mum now. D is more forgiving - so don't know in her case. She's certainly less critical of her Dad that S is - even though she calls out behaviour by celebrities who too have had affairs and left their families - somehow she doesn't seem as critical of her own dad for doing the same.
The interesting thing about S's convo with H is that it was H who said he knows he's got a problem - knows he's trying to outrun something but doesn't know what. He said as much apparently. But he HAS to go to New Zealand. HAS TO GO. S is baffled by this. S is also baffled by H and the OW. Has now told H that when he sees him, he doesn't want to see her too. S says both are broken and believes she calls the shots. He doesn't like her - and he did try. He went through a period where he just wanted to "live and let live" and if she was there then he'd just get on with it.
Having tried that and spent more time with her - he now says he just doesn't like her and does not understand what his Dad is doing with her. Says their relationship is nothing like his Dad and me.
{none of this is for my benefit btw - I neither encourage or deter. They are adults}
So there it is. The thing about standing for me is - that I found it easier when I had contact with H. Albeit just messages mostly. I have had periods when I've gone dark before. This is the longest we've been without contact - in all these 6+ years.
Thanks both for your insights
x
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You know my XH has also acknowledged he has a problem and he doesn’t want to face it, so it is just easier to run. They think that and then realize it all catches up. Maybe this is another moment where he realizes he cant escape himself and so the big 3 month trip might just do it!!
Kudos to you on being such a good parent to kids that need that in their life. How lucky are they? Pretty darn lucky.
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Thanks MadLuv, for your lovely words. I feel very lucky to have them in my life.
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I just realized I started this thread 3 years ago...... Where has the time gone?
So I guess I'm here to journal... I'm a bit all over the place, I didn't think it will hit me this hard.. Divorce court hearing tomorrow. It's been a long time coming. I thought I was ready but I'm still emotional. My IC said all of this is normal. At the end of the day, even if my life is pretty good and I made peace with the fact that my marriage was over a long time ago, the hearing tomorrow is a reminder that all of this was forced on me. That my feelings and opinions at the time didn't matter, STBXH made an unilateral decision to blow my world apart without thinking about me or how it would affect me. The experience traumatised me and I have to re-live the trauma by facing him again after 4 years. 4 YEARS!!!!!
I heard STBXH flew in yesterday, today he's staying in a hotel in the city I live in and his parents are joining him. These are the parents that cheered him on as he was getting married to OW because "they didn't know we were not divorced" - exBIL is joining them for dinner this evening.. All supporting him on the big mess he started, it really makes my blood boil.
My IC gave me a few techniques to remain calm and get through the day tomorrow. I think she found it strange that I'm going alone but I find it easier to keep myself composed when I don't have exposure to other people's emotions or feelings about the situation.. People offered to go with me or meet me outside the courthouse afterwards but the reality is that I have no idea how I will feel. I tend to process things on my own and I expect I will have a lot to process tomorrow. I have people on stand-by in case I need to talk. My IC reminded me yesterday that it's going to be an emotional day for me but I also need to remember that, more than likely, STBXH will feel worse. He will probably have a huge amount of shame because whether he admits it or not, this is all his making. His life hasn't really turned out the way he expected it.. He's alone, in a country he hates and his "second wife" lives 1000s of kms away from him... I do think there's a lot of drama in paradise and the H I knew, doesn't do drama.. I also heard he's flying back on Friday.. He won't even spend 1 weekend here with his family, he won't be back for Christmas and he won't stay for a family wedding in 10 days.... all because OWife can't get a visa... pathetic.
This evening I'm getting my hair done. Tomorrow I will dress well and do my make up.. If nothing else, I want to show him what he lost.. A woman that despite everything he threw at her, stands tall and strong in front of him. Someone who was able to build from the ashes that were left from my previous life. I'm still hurting but he lost the privilege of knowing what I'm really feeling or thinking. I'll get through the day, even if I need to come home and break down afterwards.. This is the last hurdle to get over. :'(
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If your outfit has a pocket, find a special rock aka touchstone to keep with you and if you waver in your composure reach for it and know that we are with you in spirit. If the outfit has no pocket, maybe wear a bracelet that you can reach for for reassurance. It is effed up that he committed polygamy and his family had no qualms.
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One Day,
I think that was a perfect way of putting it, off the MLC roller-coaster but still suffering from motion sickness.
Yep it's like riding a wild ride at the carnival, but you stayed on it too long, so you need to get over the motion sickness when your feet are back on solid ground.
I love that you are sorting things out with your therapist. Slow is not a bad thing, One Day.
You'll figure it out. :)
This is a gem of a comment and should be stickied somewhere. Onward for us all.
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One day, I‘ve been where you are right now last month. I know how it feels, for days I couldn’t sleep knowing that my divorce was imminent. I went to church the day of my divorce. I cried my heart out in the chapel and i prayed that I would be calm during the process and I wouldn’t fall apart in front of him. I brought my rosary in my pocket and every time I felt like breaking down, I reached into my pocket to touch my rosary. I made it without crying. I would suggest you bring something that you can associate with peace and calmness. Don’t show him any weakness in the court. That’s what I did. I didn’t even look at him. I will be thinking of you tomorrow. When I was at the court I remembered all the warriors here that supported me. It helped me as well. We are here with you and you will get through this too.
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Sorry you have to go through this tomorrow. I like the advice you've been given about a rosary or touchstone. Something to help you stay calm and grounded.
I think your IC is right - what you're feeling is normal. Feeling lots of different and even contradictory things all at once is normal.
Do you have anything planned for the day after? Something to look forward to?
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Note sure if you read her post about the final divorce signing, I liked how Maleficent brought a special pen with her to sign. It empowered her.
I wore red which made me feel a little more powerful that day.
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Adding my words of encouragement and hope to those of others here.
Feel whatever you feel....this is painful/hard/heartbreaking/ energy draining and 1000 other words and feelings and emotions.
When the day is over, when some time pass, you will turn a page in your book of your life....we are all here with you cheering you on..because this is something that is being done to you.....and face it you will.....and then, eventually you will be able to dry those tears and know that you are the best thing that every happened to him......and that you are more important than you even realize.
((((HUGS)))))
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UUhhhhh..... I'm so sorry you have to endure this 1day. :(
After all he has done, you have to face him one more time.
I wonder what you will see.....
Will be thinking about you tomorrow.
-SS
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Thank you all for the words of encouragement.. Having a group of people who truly get what this feels like is really priceless. Things are getting a bit harder as the moment approaches. I just learnt that he brought his "other wife" with him... I literally have no words, he's in and out of the country in a handful of days but she still had to come with him.. i see this as nothing else but control on her part.. either way, I want to believe his parents and her will have the decency to stay away from the court house but I really don't know what to expect
My family and friends are all checking in with me which is lovely but it's making me very emotional. A friend tried to ring but I told her I didn't feel like talking. I need space to process and get through the next 24 hours.. MLC, the gift that keep on giving
My ex SIL, who has been very supportive and has kept me updated on whatever she heard so I could prepare, gave me a "clean slate" necklace when I started to get on my feel after H walked.. I will wear that tomorrow, it will be the first day of my clean slate
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I like that clean slate image. A clean slate for you to write the rest of your life on.
You got this One Day!
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Everyone needs to do this their own way. I needed to do it alone, and be alone after to sort myself because I kind of dissociated to get through. The judge in my case said "I think this is the most civil divorce I have ever seen." I mean, what was the point in saying or doing anything other than just getting it over with? My ExH told me to "Have a nice day." ??? I just asked him if he was insane and left.
Virtual hugs. It sucks.
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I want to thank you all again for your support over the last few days.. It's been tough but it's over.. As this is already post #150, I started a new thread and will journal more later...
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12019.0
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Hello
Thought I'd do a quick update as it's been 3+ months...and the news is....there isn't any!
H went on his 3 month trip to NZ with OW. I didn't hear from him at all while he was away. He came back the day before S' birthday so I saw him then and have had a little contact with him re some family matters but effectively he's gone from 6+ years as a clinger (and former boomerang) to a semi-vanisher.
So...coming up on 7 years since BD and....
::)
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OW is sinking her claws in deeper and deeper....
It will all be in him whether he CHOOSES to do something about his issues or not. In the meantime, the boat has dropped the rope, jettisoned the anchor and is off making Music of her own...
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Hello,
Thought I'd do a quick update as it's been 3+ months...and the news is....there isn't any!
What have you done? This is about your journey. While he was off on his vacay with desperate woman, you were there for his children. Who is the better role model? Robinson Crusoe and his sidekick Sunday or you? Madluv is right on how lucky the kids are and how you have done right by them.
Keep us updated on your success and movement forward. I bet there is a lot to post,
(((Ready)))
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Hey Music,
How are things going?
Hope you are ok
Rose 🌹
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Realised that it's nearly a year since I last posted.
Where does the time go?
H remains very distant still. Has been for over a year now after being a clinging boomerang since BD up till then. Rarely hear from him. He lost a distant uncle recently and messaged to tell me :o. Someone he hadn't seen for years and I'd never met.
A close friend of his sadly died recently too. H called me after I'd messaged him my condolences (I rarely message but felt it was right to in the circumstances). S thinks H contacts me at these times (death?) as I'm his "core family" . Who knows? Odd but this is his mlc. It's all odd.
Meanwhile I got a rescue dog in January. He's a mix breed from the streets of Romania and I love him to bits. I lost two labradors since bd and it was time. That feeling of being missed and welcomed back home - regardless - that dogs are brilliant at, is so powerful.
I have mostly good days though i still get wafts of "wth?", I won't lie. It passes. I enjoy my job. Feel like I'd like to meet someone as don't really want to be alone for the rest of my days but I don't get to meet many single 50+ men so that's my next challenge...
Been in my own (without H) home for nearly 2 years. That's flown by. Have found I can cope with what comes along: fence panels lost in gales, blocked guttering etc without resorting to H who was always there before to fix stuff. Good to find that inner strength is still in there!! 8)
Thanks for reading.
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Good to hear your update Music. You sound a lot like I feel. Still have those WTF!? moments but they pass and days are now mostly good. H still very distant.
S thinks H contacts me at these times (death?) as I'm his "core family" .
I hadn't thought of it exactly like that ^ before, but I think your S is right because I think my xh still thinks of me as 'core family' as well.
It explains why he still wants to maintain a family health insurance policy and a joint bank account (despite being divorced now for several years and despite living with OW for 5 years). And why he still 'likes' and comments on many of my FB posts. I've tried before to explain the feeling I have about this and about how I think he feels about me/us; but haven't ever managed to explain it well (even to myself). So thank your S for giving me a better way of framing how I think he feels. Yes, yes, I know we can't actually know. It's what I sense though.
I COMPLETELY agree that dogs are brilliant at making us feel loved and needed. Very glad to hear you have a new one in your life.
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Thanks Ever
The joint bank account thing in your case is odd isn't it?
Glad you get the wth moments too.
The "core family" hadn't occurred to me either but it does fit how H behaves. Another bonkers gift from mlc.
Keep smiling...
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I also think your S is right about the "core family" thought.
Great to see an update from you. :)
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https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11812.msg803218#msg803218
It's been so long since I updated that my thread has been archived so I'll update with a new one...
My now exH finally filed for divorce (after BD in 2016!) and it was finalised in May this year - in the same week as my birthday and what would have been our wedding anniversary ::)
Just this Friday gone, he messaged me to say he's getting married - to the original and only OW - at the end of November. You know the type: the one he didn't commit to for YEARS after BD while boomeranging back to me!
They have bought a house abroad and he's told D that the marriage is for financial reasons. Which is surely codswallop but this is mlc so...
He told D about the wedding over lunch. He didn't meet with S to tell him - he just messaged him. Neither S or D plan to attend the wedding as they do not like ow or the choices their Dad has made. They say they've made it clear to him but his response is that "he has to live his live" etc. etc. Anyway S definitely won't go. D might waiver nearer the time. Wouldn't surprise me. I don't know and it really doesn't bother me. S & D by the way, are his kids, my step-kids (they have no contact with their birth mum).
So that's a very potted update. Things I've learned:
- contact type changes. If you're a newbie reading this, it might be useful to know that contact type (vanisher, clinging boomerang etc) can develop over time. ExH has been a clinging boomerang then a clinger and now a vanisher. He only dropped contact with me about 18 months ago.
- time DOES heal.
- I really, REALLY thought he would come through this and get out the other side but now, I don't think he will. He had counselling early on, he recognised he had issues with his mother etc. etc. AND he was a clinger....Still his mlc goes on and he's deeper in it now than ever (even though he's not yet crossed the upper 10 year timescale for an mlc, he's v close to it)
- biology is the least of things which make a good parent. Oprah Winfrey said that and it stuck with me. S & D and I have a strong bond that has survived all this.
I am fine. Sad that I'm not writing an update of reunion and reconciliation that I thought I would one day....but I'm living life with my dog and a job I love and despite a little tear and sadness at his news on Friday, I'm already back up and running. I did try Internet dating but, boy, that wasn't a great experience!! Need to find a plan B.
Thanks for reading...
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Thanks for the update. It looks like you’ve moved on. I can totally imagine that the news made you feel sad a bit, I would be as well of I were in your place. But would you want someone who is still in the throes of his MLC? I’m sure not. My xh and I have some contact once in a while and I know he’s still in the midst of his own crisis. Wanting to belong to the young guys. What can I say, perhaps some would never come out of this unless they really do the work. Like you I also tried online dating but didn’t work either. So continue living your life.
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Bump - per request revived from the Archives...
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Thanks Ursa.
Absolutely, Dragonfly.
Online dating is a minefield, though a friend met her lovely partner that way (having had an unfaithful ex ::)) and they're doing great. Most people I know don't have that experience, though. The challenge is that I just don't meet many single men my age, in everyday life. So....hmmm...thought needed!
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Hello,
Spending a quiet Labor Day at home.
My now exH finally filed for divorce (after BD in 2016!) and it was finalised in May this year - in the same week as my birthday and what would have been our wedding anniversary ::)
Just this Friday gone, he messaged me to say he's getting married - to the original and only OW - at the end of November. You know the type: the one he didn't commit to for YEARS after BD while boomeranging back to me!
It's funny that they are either in the Indy 500 to start their new life or on the ten year plan. I guess yours took the slow route. Now, OW is marriage material. Good luck on that one.
They have bought a house abroad and he's told D that the marriage is for financial reasons.
The nice thing is that everything is going to implode in another country. The failure will be for financial reasons as well.
Online dating is a minefield, though a friend met her lovely partner that way (having had an unfaithful ex ::)) and they're doing great. Most people I know don't have that experience, though. The challenge is that I just don't meet many single men my age, in everyday life. So....hmmm...thought needed!
I was 49 when I divorced and I was fortunate to meet someone really special. However, I am now 60 and I don't know if I will be as fortunate. There are so many scammers now and you just don't know what you are going to get. I think I would focus more on going to clubs or events that I enjoy and hopefully meet someone with like interests. For example, I know a lot of friends that met their significant other at the gym. Now they workout together.
but I'm living life with my dog and a job I love and despite a little tear and sadness at his news on Friday, I'm already back up and running.
I am glad that you have a dog and a great job. You are doing great and in the end, he will be sorry that he left you. Especially when he is broke in another country.
Enjoy the niche you have built and live your life.
(((Ready)))
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Thanks Ready. Good advice.
I'm not sure things are going to implode you know. She has money to keep them. Lots of it. Unless he wakes up out of that thick fog he's in, I think he'll keep on truckin' like this for a long time.
The only thing that might spoil his party is his Mother's health. She 87. The root cause of his issues and is not in great shape, sadly. That could be interesting....
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Great to read some updates Music!