Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: hopeandfaith on November 06, 2025, 06:40:52 PM
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My last post was in Feb 2024 so my thread has been archived although it was probably about done anyway.
I am not done with the forum however. I found myself checking my own thread this morning because H and I have booked a little anniversary getaway at the same place we went to in 2021. To say that year was a $hitshow is an understatement. I was curious to see how H remembered it because that getaway was almost cancelled because about 9 days before, H was supposed to ride off into the sunset on his Harley and move to another state to be with OW - or so she thought. He had been home since March of that year but had been wobbling badly with the end of their relationship.
Over the course of our marriage, it was normal for us to go away for our anniversary so that year was going to be the first time we did that again after our separation. I had booked it weeks before and then the $hit hit the fan but we decided to go anyway. Many difficult conversations happened over that couple of days and one of our biggest arguments in history but overall, it was a good decision to go. With so much trauma attached to that time/place, I was a little surprised to see him be so interested to go back. I actually think that he was still psychologically quite drunk at the time so I wouldn't be surprised at all to see if it is a little jarring when we get there. I think there needs to be a little bit of a jolt to be honest.
I think I have missed the therapy that comes from formulating your thoughts to post on this forum and then also, the support that comes back your way. I have really spent the last couple of years 'resting' from any sort of inner work and I think I have taken that too far and maybe become stagnant and a bit grumpy?? I wrote about seeing a psychologist a couple of times but my rosters really stopped that from being something I could book easily. I think I also realised that I was still mostly talking about H and trying to understand him and over the last couple of years, I have realised how fatigued I am from doing that. I am also really fatigued by my relationship with my parents so I still have to unpack the stuff I said I had to unpack in my last post almost 2 years ago. That's a disappointing realisation. I am trying to be kind to myself and see the subtle changes that have happened but it also feels a lot like being stuck.
Funnily enough, I have had a few little 'chats' with ChatGPT and oh lord, that is a cheap way to get some good therapy too. So much to chew on there. I relate a lot to the Parentified child concept and am interested in how this translates to my relationship and what I sought from that in the early days. What I have discovered is that I felt safety from being needed and now I am just tired of it. It has been my wish to gently change the dynamics with H because he, in particular, didn't set this dynamic up alone. Whereas, wth my parents, I feel that a lot of the emotional contracts were imposed and it is stressful work trying to re-write those. Both of my parents have progressed with their diseases (Mum has dementia and Dad has cancer) but have not really progressed with the handling of them. They are still in their own home and are now truly overwhelmed at the idea of moving. I keep offering help with that process but they (Dad in particular) just wants me to take over. Unfortunately (or fortunately ??) my job has absolutely no regularity to it so I can't offer assistance on a regular basis. If I still had my old job, I think there would be a lot of pressure on me to use my spare time to help them. Unfortunately, my Dad seems to have little respect for my time and lashes out when seeking help instead of being vulnerable. I feel so sad for them but also - telling me that you are nearly 80 and not going to change is not good enough anymore.
So where are H and I. I'd have to say that we are fairly distant. I think he would be surprised and very sad to hear me say that but would also know deep down that its the truth. I feel like he has been depressed for a while now and alcohol is still a big part of his life. Its definitely his preferred coping method. He knows that my tolerance of it is diminishing, so now he is rarely drunk in front of me (unless it's a party). Instead, he drinks when he is away for work or when I am not home. Then he stops when he knows I am coming home. I appreciate the respect that this shows toward me but it also feels like negotiation on his part. His alcohol free stints are less frequent and as a result he has put on a bit of weight. There is a good deal of self loathing going on in there and its really hard to talk to him about any of it. He has always preferred to deal with stuff on his own and tell himself that his issues don't affect others. Again, I think he knows deep down that it does but he is mentally and emotionally negotiating how much. I have withdrawn because it feels like I can't really talk to him about anything of substance since he either doesn't think he is depressed or just doesn't want to admit it for fear of having to act.
I have found myself getting annoyed with him so much more and I really don't mind him going away. The man taught me how to like being by myself too much. There are times that I think he is a pretty useless human when it comes to contributing anything other than financially to the household. I also see a gentle person, battling demons, not lashing out (thank god), loving me with all his heart. I just feel like I am waiting for him to come back to himself - if he was ever really there in the first place.
I am not getting much out of this marriage at the moment and I second guess my withdrawal because I am fully aware that marriages fall apart that way. Its like I am sick of fighting for it and I don't know if that gives him space to step up or whether that is just naive because he may not have capacity to do that currently. Is that me disabling him though? Arrgghhh. I know that I am not speaking my truth and I wonder if that's because I am scared that if I do, he will just annoy me more because it won't change much.
I actually think it might be a bit of a cop out on my behalf because its a scary thing to do. It's also pretty controlling. My narrative is just getting carried away with itself unchecked and I am robbing him of the opportunity to respond/react or even surprise me. I am also possibly underestimating how good it might feel to actually speak my truth......I just need to work out what that is.
Onto the rest of the fam. I am super grateful for the everything else that is in my world. It has been a bit of a challenging 18months on the work front because our company has been operating under Administration and looking for a new buyer. That sale process is going through now and is a bit of a relief even though it was practically never in doubt because we are a much needed regional carrier. At the beginning of the process, middle D lost her job due to redundancy. That was a shock and bad timing because her boyfriend and her had just been approved for a loan to buy land. The universe, in its glory, sent something better her way. Within 10 days, she had a job at a local bank and was able to get approved for a discounted loan within a very short time frame. She also was now cutting about 45 mins off her work commute and working with a brilliant team. She has been very happy there.
They bought the land and in April this year, got engaged on a family holiday at our favourite place. Such a special time. All the kids and partners were there. So with the job, land, house plans and engagement secured, a little soul decided to add herself to the group. She is now 24 weeks pregnant with our first grandchild and since the build is a long process, they will still be living here for the about the 1st year of her life. Very exciting indeed.
Oldest D (now 26) is still a First officer with our company and rapidly heading towards being a Captain. She has done the extra study required and is now accruing the necessary hours. Hopefully I will be flying with Captain D in the next 6-12 months. She has moved out of home and is living with her boyfriend very happily.
S22 is kinda living back home thanks to a motorbike accident that saw him badly fracture his right leg. Fortunately he didn't lose it but it was the kind of accident that often results in amputations. 3 operations and 2 weeks in hospital and he is now doing the rehab grind. I am so proud of his resilience and determination during his recovery. It's a lot to cope with being bed bound, attached to a catheter, in extreme pain and needing to use a bed pan for 2 weeks. He has just continued to focus on what he can control and has worked very hard doing his exercises and stretches. He is now cleared to start hydrotherapy and start using the leg. A positive aspect of that injury is the amount of time we have spent together since then. We were close before the accident but I often went a week or 2 without seeing him. I have been his little wingman, secretary, nurse, taxi driver and all around Bro during this time and we've had a lot of laughs too. He was in the process of leaving his real estate job as he was getting to the pointy end of a business build that he has been working on. Unfortunately, the injury sped that up so he is jobless and only a little bit further forward with the business build because his focus just had to shift to this recovery project instead. He will get there though. He always does.
I have definitely forgotten how to link a previous thread and not sure if you can link an archived thread? If anyone thinks it's a good idea and can do it, please do ;D
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Hi H&F,
No, one can not link back to an archived thread but, if you want, I can see if I can find it, pull it back out of the archives, link it and then rearchive it (if it has the 150 posts.
In other news, your H, sorry to say, is an alcoholic and until he gets to the point where life is more important than alcohol, things are not going to improve for him. He is using booze (as you noted) as a way to numb his own negative feelings: about himself, about his situation, about his parents, his job, his choices, his <fill-in-the-blank>. What is difficult is that, much like an MLC in the first place, there is NOTHING that you can do about it. He has to make the decision to get off the sauce and do what needs to be done to make that happen.
Your own growth has probably taken a back seat for many reasons, not the least of which are your parents and kids so give yourself a pass on that one. You do what you need to do one step at a time....
UM
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Thank you for coming back to share your sense of where you are. As you know, lots of folks read without posting and your reflections may help someone else just put words to theirs. And for your honesty…so often in life we feel we need to put on a ‘fine’ face and it’s good to be reminded that we don’t, especially in this place.
First of all, thank goodness that your son’s injuries were not even worse and a big hurrah for all the happy news of all the different joys and successes in your kids’ lives. Their success is their own, of course, but it is likely that you were the sane steady solo parental rock for many years. That’s far from nothing and it is a huge testament to your ability to create a good platform for them to launch from. Worth at least a few pats on your own back, I’d think, so I hope you pause to appreciate that.
To me, you just sound tired. Really tired. Tired of being the filler of other peoples’ empty broken spaces. Tired of carrying monkeys that you don’t own and can’t corral. I often see that in quite a few mature women, that sense of ‘enough with this’ after years of caring for others and perhaps a feeling that it hasn’t always served us well or been reciprocated in the way we’d wish. You don’t need my validation of course, but you have it anyway. Your thoughts and feelings make sense given how you describe your path to here.
It can be quite liberating of course to give very few f**ks in the way we once did. I think that’s why so many older women start saying No and F**k Off more 😜 or just refusing to play 😜 But also perhaps a bit scary to realise that we don’t look at the world in the same way we once did and that this might bring us to a point of changing some things about how we operate in the world. There’s a brewing time, I think, isn’t there? Or maybe it’s a stewing time? And that can feel quite scary in and of itself bc it leads towards some unknowns perhaps.
I am sorry that you feel how you feel bc I imagine it’s a bit of an uncomfortable place to be at times. I agree with UM that your h has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and there is nothing at all you can do to change that. Even if all the other things had not happened, that renders him at least partially unavailable emotionally and brings its’ own twists into your family life. Tbh, from the cheap seats, I don’t see his not drinking around you as a compliment or act of respect….it reads more like an old song of you somehow playing some part in his drinking or not drinking, some replacement of me with we that really isn’t true or accurate. He drinks - or not - entirely for his own reasons and has his own feelings about it which have absolutely nothing at all to do with you (well unless you are his enabling drinking partner but it doesn’t sound like you are). Please don’t pick up that monkey even a little bit; it truly does not belong to you.
I have no advice or great wisdom about you could/might do moving forward, only good wishes and a reminder - bc we all forget a little bit, don’t we - that you have already survived and evolved through much worse than this. It’s a sad reality that some big life experiences change us in ways we can’t always foresee and that, regardless of what happens with our marriages, our spouses acted in ways that broke important things, perhaps even in ways they didn’t foresee either. But they did and you had to find ways to navigate that the best you could. And you did. And your kids did too. You all found ways to protect the most important things that you could and to reshape your lives. So you can trust that you have in you already whatever you might need next.
Hugs from a sunny autumn day here in the UK. Xxx