Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Baxter1 on January 16, 2026, 02:45:55 AM
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https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12122.0
(Link to old thread)
New Year, New Me, New Chapter
Journaling:
With a new year comes a new me it would seem. The Divorce is final and we are still cordial. The kids are fine, I met them in Glasgow on New Years Eve, great to see them and Scotland is amazing.
While I was there I also checked out London, amazing town with great people. I was only there for a couple of days, I wish I had more time to visit.
We are still on the 8-10 day cycle or her reaching out. Lately it seems like it’s more like 10-12 but that’s fine. When she does reach out she has complaints about the marriage, I listen, validate when appropriate and empathize with what she is saying. I don’t always agree with what she is saying but I can empathize and let her know I see her point of view. It’s like we are healing what was our marriage one text at a time.
I continue to give space and take my own space to explore my own life and take on new hobbies, make new friends and reconnect with old ones. I see the boys about every 2 weeks or so, they have their own friends and lives so I try to be included but also recognize that they are pretty busy growing up. Baxter is still great, I wish I could take him on my adventures but I think he’s much more comfortable at home.
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Well done Baxter.
They are so odd. Why talk about it when you ran and did not want to have a crack
It is so good to read you are in a good place.
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More journaling:
We’ll just over the 3 year mark. Divorce is final and time marches on it seems..Baxter and I are doing ok. Just got back from a cruise and getting ready for a fun summer. Jess still reaches out about every 10–14 days. I feel that I am at peace with all that has happened, although it’s not what I wanted it gas helped me grow in many ways. I now feel like a stronger person, things that would have bothered me no longer are that big a deal. Maybe it’s part of maturing or just part of my own MLC, maybe both. Either way I know I’ll be ok going forward. Still see the boys as much as possible and hang out with friends. Work is good and im hoping to travel more in the coming months. We’ll see where the journey takes me.
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Dear Baxter,
I can’t believe it has been 3 years.
I hit the four mark in May. I can’t believe how my life has changed and the shock has only just started wearing off. My ex-wife is still unable to speak to me and it is odd.
The girls are going well though. They keep me going.
And I find it odd that I still desire some acknowledgment that I have been treated poorly. It is something I am trying to manage as my ex-wife is unable to apologise for anything.
It is just so sad. There is so much damage caused by this collapse of self. I still do not believe it happened to us.
But I am glad you are doing well, travelling and enjoying your lads.
It was pleased to see your update. I do wonder about Frenchhusband occasionally.
Help
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I often wonder if there will be any type of acknowledgment of what they have done. I’m not holding my breath but it would be nice. Glad to hear the shock is wearing off. Some days I wake up
And wonder what the hell happened, this was not what any of us expected.
As for FH I wonder the same…I appreciate you checking in, had fun with the kids!
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Some days I wake up
And wonder what the hell happened, this was not what any of us expected.
Acceptance..it comes gradually because it is what will allow us to dig ourselves out from the "what the hell happened".
Few people in the outside world can understand and the phrase "move on" is expressed. over and over yo us...but there is connection, children, memories, love...so "moving on" is somewhat problematic.
But, we can build something new...not what we planned, not what we expected...but moments of joy and peace...and we find it often and it becomes more and more normal to feel ok.....there are still dark days, dates that trigger, songs that hit us hard as we are driving our cars...and finding out things that hurt deeply.....we hear and see what we never ever wanted to hear or see......we mourn what once was but are aware of what can be.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Give Baxter an extra treat tonight.
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More Journaling:
Nothing too crazy to report. The kids and XW are in Norway for a couple of days. I’m very jealous but I’m also glad that she is having this time with the boys. For the first year or so after BD she was so self absorbed a trip like this would definitely not happen. She’s slowly coming back into herself, spending time with the kids and spending more time with her sister. As for me I’m traveling for work a lot more. It’s fun but it’s a challenge to find pet sitting for Baxter. Gone are the days when I was at home and there was always someone around to take care of him. It’s a challenge but he’s worth it. I’m spending my days learning about myself and meeting new people, like Old Pilot would say “I have the gift of time’. I’m trying to use that time to learn and grow.
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Journaling:
We still continue to go down this path. Texting about every 2 weeks, always seems to be something to talk about. I continue with polite responses, empathy and understanding but keeping the boundary of not helping with anything unless it affects the kids. The kids are at camp for the summer so it’s just her in the house, it’s times like these that I’m glad Baxter is here to keep me company.
Recently I’ve been reflecting on myself and my relationships and I’m fixing blind spots that I didn’t see at the time. Learning about love languages and attachment styles is really helping me to become a better person. Not sure who I’ll end up with but I feel I’ll be a better version of who I was.
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Journaling:
Not really much to report. Still in a two week reach out pattern. The boys are both in college and both are doing well. We meet for dinner when we can which I enjoy. Baxter is also doing well, we are in the third floor so he enjoys lying in the balcony and keeping an eye on the activity below.
I have been doing a lot of inner work and I am definitely healing. I am also noticing patterns within myself that may have caused problems within the relationship. Like everything else they could have been fixable but it appears we’re way past that now.This space is giving me time to work on myself and be a better version of me. Still standing, I don’t think I would want to be in a relationship at this point with anyone, I’m having fun doing my own thing.
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Journaling:
Kind of a good update. We still have regular contact which is great but the update is more about myself. As I go through this journey and do the inner work I find that I am happier. I am resolving old wounds and fears and discovering myself. It’s a great journey, the start was pretty rocky but here I am. Living a new life with new(and old) friends, trying new things and enjoying myself. I loved the old life but this new life is good as well.
My new concern is if we do end up coming back together, will the new me and the new her work out? We will be two very different people from who we once were. Time will tell what happens but I am open for any possibility, still standing but Baxter and I are ready for anything.
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Good that you are finding yourself. If whatever you become meshes with whatever she becomes, then great. But if not, you will be in a good place no matter what. I know I have a totally different case because what my xh became is nothing I would ever have looked at twice. Unless something drastic happens, we could never be together because I have no respect for what he is at this time.
It is awesome you are standing, yet not standing still. Have you any plans to go places with the kids?
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This is always the crux of the deal, the crucial question....
The wisdom of the ages says that, even if the LBS and MLC'er DO come back together, the relationship is 100% new because neither party comes through that forge fire of Hades without making some radical changes. We are simply not who we were once upon a time and, assuming the Mid-Lifer has done the work they need to do to work through/exorcise the demons they are/were dealing with, they will have dramatically altered as well. If they have NOT doe the required work, well then.... Wash, rinse, repeat....
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Thanks OR and UM,
Not sure if she’s going the work but that’s her side of the street that I don’t control.
As for the kids I see them about very two weeks. They are busy with school and work and GFs, I might plan a trip to Canada or something with them. Last year we met in Glasgow for new years which I very much enjoyed.