Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Kevf1 on April 18, 2026, 05:19:29 AM
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Hi. Kev from UK. 48 years old, wife 46. Together since June 2012 & married on October 6th 2015. My wife had 5 children when we got together from 4 different men, but only 4 lived with us as the youngest lived with father from 6 months old.
I have known my wife since we were young kids as our parents were friends. I always was attracted to her but never had courage to ask her out. We lost contact as we got older and didn't see eachother for years but she was always in back of my head even when I was with the mother of my 2 daughters.
She asked me out in 2011 but I said no as she'd only recently separated from father of youngest child. Eventually in June 2012 after I was sure they wouldn't reconcile (I'd never want to come between a child's parents) we started dating. It felt like we belonged together.
Anyway. In 2020 we set up our own business. It was successful but demanded crazy hours. I worked 7 days a week, 16 hour days. For the 1st 2 years I didn't have a day off. From 2023 onwards I'd have a week off in March & October. And we'd have the occasional night or weekend out or away.
I intended to get another person working for us but our economy went belly up late 2022 and after that we couldn't afford 2.
In October 2024 we spent the week of our 9th wedding anniversary in Crete, just us 2. Had an amazing week and wife said how great we still are together. I even made her cry 1 night as she saw a necklace she liked but wouldn't buy it. As she looked in other shops I went back and bought it for her and gave it to her that night in the restaurant we visited.
In February I bought her the car she always wanted. She wanted to take her kids abroad before they all got to old so I booked a villa and April last year we all went to Portugal. Kids enjoyed it but wife didn't like Portugal and said the people were rude! (This is important later)
When we got back from Portugal she immediately started her new job. Someone was telling her at work that we went to wrong part and where they are from is much better (yes he's Portuguese).
Her 1st pay packet in May, we was in town and she wanted to buy a new wedding ring as original one was to loose, so we go into jewellers and she chooses 1. Has to be ordered but a week later she picks it up and is happy.
In March I had given our business up as it was coming to much and she had asked me to as we didn't get much time together. After giving business up, burnout hit me like a tonne of bricks and I became depressed, not helped by trying to find work, whilst wife was working and me feeling pretty useless.
In July her youngest of the 4 who lived with us turned 16. Wife wanted to take her on an 'extreme daytrip'. She got underpaid so couldn't book tickets. I said I'll cover the bills from money I had and for her to still go. On the day my wife sent me pics of her sunbathing on beach in Majorca.
Following day when she woke we was chatting about her day. Then that evening she went out to meet 1 of our old female customers who was starting a job where my wife worked (my wife never really liked this girl, but the girl wanted to know about the job etc) it was only to our local village pub, so I wished her a good night. I went to bed that evening feeling all was good in the world.
Next morning, July 12th, we are sitting in garden, talking about her evening. I looked at her and said, 'do you love me babe?'. It was something we had always done. She just looked at me and said 'its not the same anymore'. My world fell apart!
I disappeared for the day, to get my head straight. When I returned that evening all my stuff had been packed and I was told to leave. I refused as had nowhere to go at that short notice. She came up to me, said 'what you going to do, beat me'! I've never laid a finger on her in 13 years. She then threatened to smash all my stuff up. I just said 'do it then' and went up to the bedroom. 30 mins later the police turn up! She had called them. They talk to me but as I'd not raised voice of been angry etc (confirmed by her kids) they couldn't make me leave. After they left, she got on phone to someone and proper ran me into the ground, saying lots of horrible things about me so that I could hear her.
Next day I disappeared all day again to give her space and avoid arguing. I got home at 10 and she was out and came home at 02:30 that night. I walked downstairs and said I will move out in 3 days time.
The day I moved out, she went out and got the 2 tattoos of my name covered over with new tattoos and deleted all our wedding photos from my PC.
On the day of BD, she said she still feels so young, wants to get her old self back.
The job she started in April is actually the same job she had in her 20's but for different company, before she had children and responsibilities. Now her kids are all over 16 maybe she feels free again. I know she goes out drinking with her work colleagues now, whereas she was never bothered about that in our marriage.
So, after I moved out she removed every mutual friend from Facebook, even our best friends who were witnesses at our wedding and blocked me. At end of August she dropped some bits of mine she'd found to me, didn't speak until car empty, then just said she'd filed for divorce and I'd have paperwork soon. Of course, I never received paperwork and I phoned court and they confirmed no divorce had been filed against me.
In October she unblocked me to message 3 days before our wedding anniversary. We got chatting and at end of message we both agreed it had been nice chatting. A few days later she messaged but had totally changed and was angry again. She even said our holiday to Crete a year earlier was just a sticking plaster. That I'd neglected her whilst running business and the damage was done and to late to fix anything.
Over Xmas, she wanted 1 of our cars so she could sell it. It has been at garage for a year. I said it would be worth triple the price if fixed but she wanted it as is because she knew someone who wanted it. I dropped it to her under condition she could run me home. She let me in to see my dog as she hadn't let me see him since the day I moved out. On way we was having a good chat, and she said we may meet up in January.
On December 27th after exchanging Xmas messages on Xmas day, she said we won't be meeting up in January as won't change fact we are separated and getting divorced'. I said in that case you need to get the divorce sorted. Next morning she sent me a screenshot of her filing the divorce online.
Because of that in early January I removed myself from tenancy on house. I'd kept name on it as I knew she'd lose house if I wasn't as she wouldn't pass financial checks on her own but now I couldn't leave myself at risk to being tied to anything financially with her.
On January 30th this year I bumped into her. She proceeded to call me a 'f#####g c##t' as she has lost the house and having to move out. Then said something about the gym, and I said 'you look stunning', she threw her arms up in the air and said 'i know, and you've lost out'. After that she then told me it doesn't matter what I think as she's seeing someone else, it wasn't planned just happened between Xmas and new year. I said I hope your happy and that he treats you well. She said he treats her like a queen (only 'supposedly' been 4 weeks). And I now know it's the bloke from Portugal who she works with. She even went to Portugal with him for a week in February.
She also said the divorce is paid for and I'll receive paperwork soon.
Anyway that night I done something stupid, attempted suicide and ended up in hospital. Not proud nor do I want sympathy.
Since seeing her that day, we've had no contact whatsoever. I do know she posting pics of them always together etc but only because people mention it.
I've still not received paperwork for divorce. I phoned court up 1 month ago. They said she has applied but not provided the information they've requested from her.
I also know the postman who delivers to her as he an old friend of mine. He said she still gets Amazon deliveries in her married name, so hasn't changed her details to her maiden name.
In our 13 years together she has been physically, verbally and mentally abusive. I've been headbutted, punched, kicked, scratched, bitten. She's threatened to turn my 2 daughters against me, called me every name going, I'm a $h!te dad, $h!te step dad Yadda Yadda Yadda.
I tolerate it because I know she is volatile and emotionally disregulated. Its only once, maybe twice a year, and lasts for seconds. I believe in her so much. Asked her to try therapy but she won't as her family doesn't believe in getting help.
She also cut her father out of her life for 12 years after he cheated on her mother and they got divorced, this was when she was in her early mid 20's to 30's. Now she sees her dad occasionally but the last 4 years has cut her mother and 1 sister out of her life.
So I'm unsure if this is midlife crisis or narcissistic personality disorder. Menopause and she did take medication for bipolar all our relationship but told me on 30th January she no longer takes it and feels happier and better than ever.
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Sorry you have to find yourself here, Kev, but we’re a friendly crowd and I hope it helps you navigate this tornado in your life. Others will come along to help. What do you think would be most helpful to you right now? What do you need?
Basics first…how are you doing with sleep, food, exercise, other things that create some stability in your life or bring you some peace or pleasure, finances, support from people who care about you? Regardless of the reasons, ypur life has been upended and it’s a rollercoaster, isn’t it? Imho the small stuff is actually big stuff when we are in the trenches.
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Thanks Treasure.
I don't know what I need really. I do struggle with working out if W is having a MLC, or something else even maybe just really didn't like me anymore.
I'm eating ok. Sleep has actually been ok until the last 2 weeks. I'm on antidepressants but missed 4 days. Since got new prescription I'm constantly tired, but hoping once back in system that will stop.
I was going to gym 3 nights a week since August but not been last 2 months, hopefully be back to it soon.
Been doing lots of reading on ML, got 8 stages of MLC, After The Bomb Drop, Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting.
Currently out of work so way to much thinking time.
Want to be around people but at same time want to be left alone.
I do feel like this has bought on a mini MLC for me in sense I don't know who I am any more, totally lost myself. My whole purpose was being a husband, providing for my wife and her kids. Now I don't know what I like, what I enjoy. I used to laugh at everything now I just seem sad and serious all the time.
Struggle to focus on anything.
Obviously I want my marriage saved, but if not I don't know what I want for my future. The plans we had together have currently been destroyed. Scary thing is if I can't save my marriage I really can't imagine being with anybody else, so a future alone seems quite boring.
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Kevf1, I’m so sorry you are here but glad you found this corner of the internet. A partner going through MLC is rough and when it is often accompanied by betrayal, rewriting history to make you into the villain it does a number on you. I will echo what Treasur said, try to take care of the little things, you are in survival mode right now and need to take care of yourself as hard as it can be. I’ve found myself asking the same question about my ex, whether it’s MLC or narcissism. Sometimes I still wonder if it’s both. You aren’t alone. As hard as it may be to internalize right now, realize this is a reflection of her brokenness and not yours. It won’t always feel as heavy, you will get stronger and healing does come with time. Hugs.
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I do feel like this has bought on a mini MLC for me in sense I don't know who I am any more, totally lost myself. My whole purpose was being a husband, providing for my wife and her kids. Now I don't know what I like, what I enjoy. I used to laugh at everything now I just seem sad and serious all the time.
Struggle to focus on anything.
Obviously I want my marriage saved, but if not I don't know what I want for my future. The plans we had together have currently been destroyed. Scary thing is if I can't save my marriage I really can't imagine being with anybody else, so a future alone seems quite boring.
Its nice to virtually meet you and I am sorry you find yourself in this place. All of us here have had our own version of this journey and understand how you feel. My own version of this started nine years ago and I can related to what you are saying here.
I would like to offer that you are not having a mini-MLC. You are experiencing a very real set of feeling, and are having to reexamine your plans and your role because of what has happened. This is the opposite of an MLCers disordered emotions. In fact it would be rather strange if you were not feeling some of these things after what has happened.
You are obviously in a point of transition in your life. What I found useful was to allow myself to grieve properly and not minimize what had happened. And at the same time I did my best, every single day, to try to focus on what was it I wanted to do at this point, what kind of a life did I want for myself going forward. I understand initially this all seems hollow, but I tried every day to do something that mattered to me. I followed the old adage of "fake it till you make it" and did things even when I did not feel like it or I did not want to. And what I found, over time, things slowly shifted and every small thing added up.
I slowly discovered how much of myself I had distorted or changed as being part of a "couple" and going back to things that mattered to me felt like a pressure had been lifted from a spring. So maybe think about who you were before this relationship and then imagine what that person would be today?
With a bit of distance you may find a silver lining to these very difficult times.
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So sorry you’re here. The first bit of this is tough, people used to tell me it gets better but I didn’t. Believe them but you do get regulated eventually. Your story sounds like most here, out of the blue, I want a new life without you and all that. In the beginning I watched a lot of Kenda YouTube videos, very helpful. You came to the right place, people here get it and can give good advice.
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I agree Baxter.
It has not got better for me. I think I have just got used to it and better at managing it.
The one thing I learned is there is nothing you can do and making good decisions for you and your kids is the main thing.
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Hi Kevf1,
So sorry you are here.
I would give you only 3 advices.
Protect yourself financially. Stop giving her financial aid or moneyworth items if not legally agreed. Do whatever it takes to separate your finances. Get legal assistance for this even it pays some.
Protect yourself physically. This is harder as you likely want to see your family. Arrange meetings only in public places etc.
Protect yourself mentally. Keep your eyeballs in you, not her. The more you pry of what she is cooking, the more the situation will stab you. What you had was real, and you can cherish the good in memories. But current situation is real too, and it will easily hurt you deeply. Get therapy. It is a must do move. The future you will thank you for it.
As for relationship... She is fighting her own demons now. There is nothing you can do or say now, except heal and live your live. Sad but true, and it hard pill to swallow. It does not cut off hope. But in most likely scenario, you are looking at timeline that is 5+ years - and often decades, and possibly never. It is not a willpower thing. It is just how slow and firetrucked up human mind is.
Last, and most important... Kids. Make them the one thing you cherish. Lord only knows they need a stable and loving person in their lives (and the fact you did some stupid things in hour of despair does not make you unfit, it makes you a person who felt pain and emotions).
Have a safe journey,
Alvin