Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Pivoine on July 23, 2026, 08:17:19 AM
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Hello,
It’s been a long time since I last posted an update.
The situation is difficult.
As a reminder, my husband left in November 2023;
AP has been around since September 2022… that’s when they first started seeing each other.
They moved in together in January 2024,
and AP kicked my husband out in November 2025.
As for me, there were times when there was pressure to sell the house, then nothing, then the divorce… still nothing.
When AP kicked him out, he switched lawyers. According to my lawyer—the nex one is more proactive—“you’ll be divorced within three months.”
Still nothing.
I should point out that I’m letting him do as he pleases; I’m not standing in the way of anything.
He found a furnished temporary place that he was supposed to vacate by March 31. He started looking for another place 15 days before… well, yeah, AP didn’t want him to come back.
So we had to rush to separate the furniture… He suggested he’d clear out the house, but I had to defend my interests through my lawyer.
Since then, AP and he have been together without actually being together.
We’re seeing a mediator to work things out, because he feels a strong sense of injustice: “You have everything, I have nothing,” “You’re keeping the house, you have everything, I’m going to lose money,” “You’re giving me the worst stuff”.... And the usual accusations: “I wasn’t allowed to spend my own money,” “You didn’t respect me in front of the kids,” “You bought lots of dresses”.... So I tried in vain to set the record straight.... We know it’s impossible—they won’t listen to a word.
He has no empathy; he only cares about his own material survival, and my emotional well-being means nothing to him. He refuses to bring the dog back to me, saying that he has to make the round trip and that it costs him money (we live 15 km apart), and when I tell him, “It’s your choice; I don’t have to take responsibility for a choice that isn’t mine,” he replies, “Don’t confuse emotional ties with shared property. We have to divide the furniture fairly...” He says his request to the mediator will be non-negotiable.....
I admit I don’t know how to interact with him anymore..... I’m not standing in the way of the separation; I’m letting him do what he wants and standing up for myself—that’s all. No matter what I do, say, or don’t say, it’s never good enough. I asked him not to contact me until the next mediation session.
I’m doing fine; I’ve found activities I enjoy, and I have my friends. He, on the other hand, is losing all his friends in our local community, and his old friends aren’t around much anymore either. His local friends don’t recognize him anymore; they make fun of him and criticize AP.
I should point out that I don’t talk about this… It saddens me for him, but that’s his path, not mine.
When will all this end?
As soon as he contacts me, he drains my energy.
What advice do you have for me?
I feel like he’s not making any progress.... It’s always the same complaints, over and over again. And he tells the mediator that, as he mourns the end of our relationship, he’s in a phase of renewal.... All I get is anger.
need support please....
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I am sorry that you are having to deal with all of this. Many of us here have walked in your shoes and found it just as crazy-making that, no matter how reasonable we are, the process of separation/divorce does not seem to go as it should.
I don’t know where you live or the laws there about mediation. But I do think you have provided your own answer…
“As soon as he contacts me, he drains my energy”
Take advice from your lawyer about how you can meet your legal obligations in mediation without having any direct contact with him at all. Or keeping it to an absolute minimum. And ask how long and with what objectives the mediation process will go on. I don’t know who is paying for the mediation but mediation is not therapy or couples counselling. You should not have to waste your time or money on dealing with his feelings bc mediation is not about that - if he needs a therapist bc he feels so wounded, he can sort that out for himself.
And imho don’t ‘ask’ him again not to contact you. Act on it. Limit the ways he can contact you and do not pick up if he calls. Consider blocking him where you can. Change the notification on your phone so you know it’s him and can reject the call. Limit your use of social media if you use it. Perhaps say you will only respond via ypur lawyer as your children are adults - I did this, he didn’t like it but hey ho, and it reduced the amount of crazy in my life. Or only respond to emails if you must and take your time.
The one common thing here is that these folks are staggeringly entitled - they don’t want you when they don’t but expect you to jump to it when they do. No/minimal contact is your friend right now. Bc as you say it drains your energy, does not benefit you and changes nothing in his attitude or behaviour.
You will have to work out for yourself - as most of us did - the deeper reasons and thoughts behind why you are allowing or responding to him currently. Bc for most of us imho it’s complicated…we do it bc we think it serves us or we have an obligation. Until we realise it doesn’t and we don’t. I hope that helps.
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Thank you for your support.
I'm in touch with my lawyer.
With the email I sent to MLC, I think I should be receiving divorce papers soon, since I’ve shifted the responsibility for filing for divorce back to him—it’s not my place to do so.
What I find difficult—and this is my sense of injustice speaking—are all the lies and the rewriting of our history, even though he admits we had a beautiful connection. He feels entitled to take whatever he wants from the house, because it’s still his house. He wants an amicable divorce, but he’s being mean; I’m protecting myself, and he concludes that I’m stalling the process, that I’m preventing him from accessing his belongings.
Let him go through with the divorce—it’s his choice, his responsibility.
Sometimes it’s okay, sometimes it’s hard.
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Pivoine, Treasur has given you a very sound advice. I’ve been there where you are now and I can totally understand how frustrating the lies and the rewriting of history are. It does drain your energy and it does affect you a lot no matter how you try not to. Treasur is totally right in telling you to limit the contact. That’s the only way you can survive this. My xh used to be so ambivalent in that he tried to declare his love for me and all sorts of manipulative ways and then the next moment he would be still defending his OW. I can tell you how exhausting it was to the point of having a depression. The moment I stopped responding to him and I cut all contacts, I started seeing what was in front of me. You could also regroup yourself and somehow breathe. So, if it’s about divorce, let the lawyer deal with it. And like Treasur said, a mediator is not a therapy. It’s a lawyer, so as soon as the conditions on both sides are laid down, there shouldn’t be any discussion anymore. Give him the divorce he wants and save yourself first.
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Thank you, Dragonfly33
The mediator he chose isn’t a lawyer. He says everything costs him a lot of money and doesn’t want to contact his lawyer either. He thinks we can discuss this calmly without going through our lawyers. The problem is that our discussions always end in anger. In fact, he told me, “You’re driving me crazy.” If I start asking a question or say something, everything gets twisted—I can’t even finish what I’m trying to say.
I’m the bad guy… He’s struggling financially; he’s paying bills left and right. Just like everyone else, really. He lives alone, and we have the same expenses. He earns more than I do, and sometimes I’m in the red because I help my kids, who are in college and sometimes have unexpected expenses… I help them without asking MLC for anything. I don’t want to owe him anything because he uses everything against me.
I asked for silence until the next mediation session; I hope he’ll respect my request. He told me, “That’s impossible because I have other things planned.” I’ve stopped trying to make sense of that statement—it doesn’t make any sense.
He contacted his lawyer, and he says it’s complicated. Why? Is she on his side?
I complied with the request regarding the furniture that his lawyer sent to my lawyer. However, since he’s claiming certain specific pieces of furniture and I refused, he’s angry. It’s been two and a half years since he left, and he’s treating the house like a furniture store. Of course, the other woman he bought furniture with didn’t give him anything. But she’s a different story.....
He doesn't want to pay the mortgage on the house anymore.
I asked him for the keys.
He refuses.
If I change the locks, he'll send a bailiff—he's still the owner.
However, he lives somewhere else.... Anyway.... always inconsistencies.
You just have to hang in there with all their nonsense.
The only thing he could do is file for divorce, and everything would be settled.
He says he’s in the “renewal” phase of grieving the end of our relationship (the phases are: denial, anger, depression, acceptance, forgiveness, renewal, and serenity). Yet he misses the house, the garden, the comforts… and he’s still angry. Another inconsistency.
Right now he must be on vacation. I have some peace.
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Let me give you a graphic idea of what is going on inside his head.....
(https://media1.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExY204aHg5NjZxbno5d2RuZmEwc214dHA3NWlwa3J2amJoMWcwb2NtOSZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/OZYQY0GnfHLW0/giphy.gif)
Whatever is coming out of his mouth is pure "stream-of-consciousness" babble with no real thought processes behind it.... Call it "verbal diarrhea" if you will. The only consistency you can expect is 1) you are the root of all his problems and 2nd cousin to Satan, 2) total inconsistency, and 3) they want what they want when they want it and they want it RIGHT NOW! until they don't.....
Finally, responsibility and consequences are at the very bottom of their list of priorities.... The Mid-Lifer mindset is that there is always someone else responsible, the actions and decisions of the mid-lifer shall carry no consequences for the mid-lifer, and if there ARE consequences, it is because the LBS has purposefully tried to either thwart the dreams of the Mid-Lifer or the LBS is purposefully trying to cause some imagined harm tot eh Mid-Lifer..... After all, they can not possibly be responsible for their own actions and decisions, right? It HAS to be someone else's fault that the Mid-Lifer chose to do what they did, act the way they chose to act, etc.
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hanks, UrsaMajor
I have to admit that even though I’ve read a lot about existential crises, I’m still baffled by his behavior.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’ve been asking him for months to come pick up his personal belongings, but he hasn’t done it. He always has an excuse. He tells a friend—whom he was supposed to go help—that he’s spending time collecting his things, so it’s hard for him to come help her. But that’s a joke—he spends an hour here taking apart his carport and leaves without taking anything. It took him four Saturdays to take the carport apart.....
I know I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, but sometimes it’s impossible.
They say they have no memory, and I’ve definitely noticed that’s true for some things, but not for everything.
Sometimes I wonder if he’s really in crisis.
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Pivoine I am really sorry that you have to go through this or anybody. It reminds me so much of my mental state when I was going through the same thing. Perhaps let your lawyer talked to his lawyer or him. That’s what I did, it saved me from mental exhaustion. You can’t win against MLC. Whatever you say, you are the devil. You can bend forward, backward, do a somersault to accommodate their whims, you are still the antagonist in their story. When I finally got my lawyer do all the communications, it helped me a lot not to deal with all this nonsense. And even with lawyers, mine told my lawyer, I signed a pre-nuptial agreement. He and his lawyer lied. Even at the court he lied! So let your lawyer deal with him.
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By the way just by reading your story, it makes me a bit anxious because I’m reminded of my own struggle with my ex. It’s so frustrating because no matter what you say, they will twist it and make themselves the victim and you the bad guy. I truly wish you will be out of this as soon as possible. And on the other side, I want you to know that there is hope and life is good despite not the one what you hoped for or imagined. I am happy I don’t have to deal with my ex anymore. I still love my ex but I am so relieved I don’t have to look behind my shoulder anymore if there’s another woman or if he was writing the OW again. I don’t want that kind of anxiety ever again if I could avoid it.
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Hello,
I am so sorry that you are going through any of this. While you are being the adult, you are dealing with a self-centered child.
The mediator he chose isn’t a lawyer. He says everything costs him a lot of money and doesn’t want to contact his lawyer either. He thinks we can discuss this calmly without going through our lawyers. The problem is that our discussions always end in anger. In fact, he told me, “You’re driving me crazy.”
What's driving him crazy is that you don't give in to all of his demands. If you just said yes to everything and gave him what he wanted, he wouldn't be crazy. But the point is that you are not going to give in to all of his demands because that is not how the world works and it isn't anger he is giving you- it's a tantrum. The last thing you want to do is give in to his tantrums. He made his choices and there are consequences for those choices. Just because things didn't go is way doesn't mean you have earned the right to be his emotional punching bag.
Either block him or if he can't speak to you in a civil tone, hang up. "I'm sorry, I will gladly speak to you regarding anything. However, you will speak to me with a cordial tone and respect or I will stop this conversation." That is it. You don't owe him anything and regardless of his mindset, he will treat you like a human being.
I wish you the very best and have an awesome day!
(((Ready)))
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I can only say I remember this well. Mine used to sneak in the house while I was at work and take things. I brought almost everything into the marriage (buy once. Buy well. I still have the couches I purchased in 1985, recovered 10 years ago. Best seat cushions ever)
Here is what worked best for me.
Keep communication to a minimum.
Figure out what YOU think a fair division of furniture is.
Pack his stuff up. Get it out of your way, like in the garage or a spare room. Carports are another animal altogether.
I changed the locks. Yes he could have called the police and the worst that could have happened was I'd have to give him a new key. But he didn't. He was angry, but he had not only come in and taken something, he'd left the door wide open. No thank you.
Don't agree to store anything that he is supposed to take if you do get divorced. Just don't do it.
Don't let him take anything that is yours. I have a set of Revere ware pans, 100% mine. He was not entitled to half.
Make sure he gets everything that is his.
Keep your money separate from his. Know what date he moved out.
Keep taking care of your own best interest. MLCers have a habit of wanting something, then getting rid of it, so do what is best for you, but with courtesy. Don't bother trying to please him or understand. You can't really do either.
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Thank you all for your messages. It’s so comforting to know I’m not alone in this situation.
I saw my therapist; she told me that his anger is directed at me, but that I don’t have to pay the price for the wounds his parents caused him. So I’m going to work on not letting his comments—which have nothing to do with me—get to me anymore. I know this, of course, but while I can keep my composure in front of him, I can’t stay silent because his lies hit so close to home. I’m really making progress, but sometimes the situation catches up with me. This has been going on on and off for three years now.
I’m fine when he isn’t around to vent his anger.
I realize there aren’t many posts from spouses going through a crisis. No matter how much I search the forum… it’s rare.
I focus on myself, my kids, my friends, my hobbies, but sometimes I feel lonely.
I went through a crisis myself when my husband was diagnosed with cancer in 2017. He changed so much—I no longer existed in his emotional world—that I slowly, insidiously started to unravel. I felt alone in our relationship—he was selfish, while I was the one carrying the weight of the household, our kids going through their teenage crises, the paperwork, my job, everything.
Meanwhile, he was doing things for himself. He had dreams and desires, and I was juggling the budget just to meet his needs.
I almost left several times because I was exhausted from carrying the weight of everything, from asking for help that never came, from the support that was never there.
When I came out of my crisis—where all my wounds resurfaced through anger—I fell back in love with the person he had become.
But he had this AP who had clearly realized there was a weakness.
He still talks about his cancer today—how it could come back in a year or two... and how he wants to live. His trauma hasn't been addressed, and no one but him can do that.
I still love him, and I hold onto the hope that our flawless life before the cancer will resurface on his end.
Only time will tell.
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I still love him, and I hold onto the hope that our flawless life before the cancer will resurface on his end.
Only time will tell.
True - only time will tell.....
But..... and you KNEW there was a big old "BUT" hanging out there, right?
You are allowed to live, to grow, to thrive in that time....
That is why the advice here is usually to live like they are not coming back. Partially because some (most if you were to use this forum as your statistical basis) don't and, even if they do, they are NOT the same person you know. MLC changes people profoundly - both the Mid-Lifer and the LBS. The Mid-Lifer must work through their own issues, take responsibility for them, for their own healing and their own actions. No one else can do it for them because, in that case, NOTHING has changed, nothing is solved, nothing is healed and it is just a matter of time before it all comes around again.
The LBS, by the same token, is responsible for THEIR own growth and healing. We come through this with a different mindset, a different outlook. I know that, for me, there are things that I will NOT tolerate or accept anymore in a relationship. If I even get a whiff of one of my red flags, I either run it to ground (get the issue sorted) or the relationship is over.
I have been around the Mulberry bush twice now so I guess I wasn't smart enough to learn the first time.... But I am NOT a masochist......
What many Mid-lifers expect is that the LBS will spend their days sitting in their rocking chair on their front porch, surrounded by a huge pile of boogery, used Kleenexes and waiting for the MLC'er to "come to their senses and return." As long as the LBS is in that mode, the Mid-Lifer feels free to continue whatever it is they are doing because they "know" that the LBS is sitting around waiting for them (you know, "always have a backup plan.") What they do not get is that it is OUR decision, our choice. Usually, once they see that the LBS is growing forward without them (what is commonly known here as "dropping the rope") and they are in danger of loosing that backup plan, they either panic and double down on their toddler antics/blame, etc., or they begin doing the work they need to do in order to get through their crisis.
You can not address his trauma for him and if he chooses not to do so himself, that is HIS choice, something that you have zero control over. What you CAN control is your response (Respond, not react) to his actions.
Some of the suggestions made earlier are absolutely spot on - limiting contact/communications, securing your house, finances, figuring out what is right/fair for YOU and not listening to the ME ME ME ME nonsense from the Mid-Lifer, etc. Those are all part of the growth that the LBS will have to do at some point in order to not get run over by the MLC Rollercoaster.... It is hard work but it is necessary. Like I said, we too come out the other side different and maybe, at the end of the day, we no longer want what the Mid-lifer has to offer, maybe they no longer want what WE have to offer them, maybe the bridges burnt are so severe there is no return, maybe they do the work and there is enough basis to begin a new relationship. The point is to NOT sit around waiting for any of these things to occur (because the manna from heaven is NOT going to just fall in your lap) but to actively shape the life you want to have going forward.
UM
UM
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I agree with Ursa. In my case, I had a pretty clear intellectual understanding of those points, but I did NOT have a visceral emotional understanding. There was a mismatch in my body. I spent A LOT of time waiting for my thoughts to sink deeper so that I could feel how I believed I needed to feel, but my thoughts remained conceptual.
There's a circular flow to habits and while it feels that you can only intercept or interrupt them at designated points, those grooves are illusions hypnotizing you by those very habits. In my experience, change can itself come as a response to action. I started to FEEL better AFTER I just simply DID things. I bought a rug, re-arranged some furniture, got nice clothes that I was curious about and felt great on my body, went hiking, starting working out, started reading things I was curious about but "never had time" before, ate at restaurants I was interested in BY MYSELF (boy, that felt awkward at first and then... no one cares), went to writing workshops, went to meetups, started savoring the flavor of foods, started taking time to appreciate the good, however small it seemed. All of these little events were borne out of a desire to tend and to care FOR ME. Like a spooked animal, it took time for me to really trust it, and also like a spooked animal, when I allowed myself to believe it I fell in love with myself (sounds weird, but hopefully it makes sense) in a way I didn't realize was possible. My life then became about how I could allow myself to more fully express and embody what was innately there. My mission was simply to bask in the experience of me.
There are times I miss my ex. I can remember the good times that we had (and yes, they WERE good). Nothing can tarnish that. Those times, like a childhood summer, are gone. There is definitely a sadness to that, but there is also so much more to life.
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Hi Pivoine,
Like everyone else - sorry you're still going thru this.
Well, he'll be mad until he isn't. Mad in the mad sense.... and mad in the Mad Hatter sense ;)
They are all mad, angry, and don't know how to be otherwise.
With all the men I've known while in MLC, and out of MLC...... they are just out of control, and they can't find a way to be IN control (but they'll try try try).
The disappointment in themselves is so powerful. In that way, I guess they're no different than female MLC'ers.
-SS
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Thank you all for your support.
I know I have to keep living because there’s no guarantee he’ll come back.
I’m sad about the situation, but I also know that we can’t control anything.
I think about myself—and still think about him too much.
The hardest times are vacations and family gatherings.
I know that the best is yet to come for me, with or without him.
I’m starting to think that if someone comes along, why not?
I have the right to be happy, too.
I’m at peace with myself, but I’m missing that sense of joy. I’m not giving up hope—I know I’ll get there.
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What Zartheit describes "doing things until they become "normal" or "enjoyable" and rediscovering things that you had avoided or suppressed that you once enjoyed doing is what was termed "Fake it until you Make it."
Sometimes, that "coming back to life" is a real challenge since we (the LBS) has been doing (or NOT doing) things for so long, it became second nature to us. After that is no longer needed, it becomes a journey of discovery for us and gives us the ability to sort out those things that we did/do for ourselves vs. the things we did/do (or did not do) for our Mid-Lifer....