Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: Standing Strong on July 27, 2026, 05:44:17 PM
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New thread!!!!
Here's my old thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12084.0 (https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=12084.0)
At last, the end game has arrived!!! How exciting!!!
The R talk I've been waiting for has come, and is ongoing.
This time the tables have completely turned, and now it's W on the defense.
We talked until 4am last night........
She wanted an R talk, and surprisingly enough, she started it like one of the old R talks from back in the day...... My fault, confused, lost, not happy, etc.
And I knew it was time...... I had felt it coming for days.
Well, I said "there is no talking about US and the future until the last several years are sorted out".
She was not pleased about this - and said "What's that going to do..... I don't want to fight, and pointing fingers at each other isn't going to solve anything".
I don't want to fight either...... so I let her know and restated that there was no future until the past is sorted out.
She didn't understand, so I asked her to tell me the last several years.
She did. It was very short, and no real details. She talked about us growing apart, avoiding each other, and the usual superficial stuff.
I listened...... she got to the end, and paused. "Are you going to say anything?".
I said: "I've been waiting seven years for you to talk about the last seven years...... and what you just said is NOT the last seven years".
She paused, and told me she didn't know what I was talking about.
I said no problem, I'm going to give you some examples....... I then laid out the first two super weird phone events, the calls in the middle of the night, her super weird behavior. She said she didn't know what I was talking about. She had no memory of that. She asked if I was gaslighting her: I was telling her one thing and her memory was telling her another.
I put forth another event from before MLC, about a guy hitting on her and the resulting weird response. She remembered that.
I went further into all the phone events after BD, her hiding, her running away, her disappearing for days........ She vaguely remembered some of that and none of other parts. She jumped to accusing me of coming to the conclusion she was having an affair. I explained how I was the last one to hold out hope that it wasn't true - that HER family ALL came to that conclusion already, I was the last holdout. She became silent. I went on my version of letting it all out, and unloaded. Event after event after event.
I went into the night she broke, everything she said, everything she did. She claimed she had no memory of any of it. She couldn't believe she had done that, and I got a quiet "I'm sorry for treating you that way, that's unacceptable". She asked if she was multi personality, if she was possessed...... she admitted she couldn't remember any of that time period, and she was afraid. She started thinking out loud, and was recalling a hotel room on a business trip, concentrating hard...... she stopped. "Oh God..... I can't trust myself".
She was sobbing hysterically...... I put my hand on her arm, but I was unmoved. What is real, and what is not? What is she concealing and what is true? Not my job to mindread, but the line has been drawn..... she knows where I am and I will not be moved. Eventually she stopped crying after starting and stopping multiple times.
After a pause, she asked "Why did you stay?". I explained. She was silent again. I went thru more examples.
I began to quiz her...... asking her details about things we had done together during her MLC...... she only knew the most basic recollections, and only after thinking really hard. Fine detail: all gone. She went on and on about not remembering hardly anything, just giant blanks. She tried to explain some things and they all fell apart under scrutiny. It was evident she didn't want it to be true..... that she couldn't do what was being said. She didn't win on a single point.
I wasn't going to knock her head off all in one go, it was 4am by the time we needed a little sleep before work today. She needs time to process, and search herself.... but I won't accept lies, I won't accept rewriting of history...... and I won't, I won't, I won't, allow the issue to slip away. The door has been opened and it will not close until there is resolution.
My ultimate question of "What's left?" will be answered, and choice is mine.
As for her, I don't know what she knows and what is gone. I knew there would be memory loss, how far and how deep = I'm going to find out.
For the fragment she has become, what is being exposed or recalled, is in complete opposition to what she is but that doesn't mean she gets a pass. ALL will be discussed.
I don't know how long this process is going to take, but it will take some time. She couldn't believe what she had done, lucky for me she doesn't have to take my word for it..... she has a therapist, a sister and a mother who had front row seats to all of it. She gets to confirm all I have said, and I have so much more to say.
As for me...... it is sad to see this person STILL so broken. I really thought she was more healed than what I witnessed this morning. I though her trauma had been mostly resolved, it is very clear it is not. Progress? Yes. Better? Yes. She opened up and said important things that she has never mentioned before in all our marriage. That's extremely good.
Now I will wait, I will let it digest until she is ready, and then it will continue.
Forward!!!! Always forward!!!
One conversation at a time.....
-SS
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I’ve heard that before, they literally don’t remember what they did. Like chunks of tine are just missing from their brain.Sounds like your handling it well, not compromising and showing strength, well done. Sounds like there are more of these conversations to cone, good luck
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Oh man, you are really turning tables - but it is definitely time. Seven long years.
Her mmory loss sounds a lot like dissociative amnesia. Seen it a lot with W2 lately. It's just part of trauma. All i can say is go slow and then slower.
Hugs,
Alvin
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I agree with Alvin.
Take your time. You have waited a long time.
There is a big prize at the end.
I hope you both get there. I accept they really don’t remember things.
Help
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Courtesy of AI Gemini, for what it's worth. Please ignore if unwelcome, and forgive me for introducing unsolicited information. My XH has never shown any remorse after 8 years since BD, except for asking to attend my mother's funeral (he was and remains on another continent) and some expressions of regret and marvel at my loyalty as an erstwhile stander, so I may just be unconsciously jealous.
Having said that, I feel that I have some insights into the MLC mind given his behavior, and so hope this may be of some referential value. A true reconciliation is only possible with radical honesty on their end:
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Claims of complete amnesia regarding blatant, hurtful actions and boastful affairs during infidelity are generally not scientifically credible as true memory erasure. Instead, these claims usually reflect severe psychological defense mechanisms, emotional compartmentalization, or self-serving revisionist history rather than a organic brain malfunction or literal blackout.
Why Such Claims Are Not Credible
Selective Memory: People usually forget full spans of behavior, but they remember details that make them look good. They forget the insults, yet they recall minor details that suit them.
Complex Actions: Dismissive remarks and bragging require active thought. A person cannot plan a separate life or boast about affairs on autopilot.
No Brain Disease: True amnesia needs physical brain damage, severe trauma, or rare medical illness. Normal, healthy brains do not block out years of deliberate actions.
Why People Claim They Forgot
Guilt and Shame: The mind wants to hide painful truths. Pretending it is gone helps the person avoid feeling bad about what they did.
Defense Mechanism: Repression lets a person protect their self-image. They convince themselves they were "not themselves" so they do not have to accept the blame.
Gaslighting: Claiming memory loss makes the hurt spouse doubt their own view of the past. It shifts power back to the cheater during attempts to fix the relationship.
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This is the only explanation that makes sense to me Sachertorte. The whole they forgot about about what they did to you for me is another BS from MLC. I don’t for one thing believe it.
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Thanks guys :D (Bax, Alvin, HMC, Dragon, Sach)
Minor update....... maybe medium :P
Sunday comes, and W goes to church with her best friend. WOW.
To the best of my knowledge and recollection, this is the 1st time in 8 years..... maybe 9.
She comes back later that day, she tells me how it went....... and mentions that she cried during the service.
Last night she tells me that she will be going to a Christian concert with her best friend next month.
These are good things........ It is interesting how it's all happening once the "big talk" started (and no more talk in that conversation yet).
I think there is an element of "Look, I'm a good woman now". I hope that's not all it is.
Well..... time rolls on.
One day at a time,
-SS
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Sounds like a whole new adventure, SS!
:)
JB
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Journaling:
Super Big vacation is over!!!! Two weeks, Orlando and Vegas!!! What a great time. 8)
Haunted Houses were fun like always - but I think I may be done with the amusement park for a year, I've gotten used to it, just not a thrill at this point without someone to share it with. Maybe time to do a cruise instead - that Star Trek one looks like a lot of fun. :P
Vegas was great - attended a conference, and that was super cool. It was on AI and I'm doing a lot of learning and engineering to know how to build all these things from scratch. It's very, very interesting. It's such a nice change of pace.
Funny story from Vegas, though. I went into the White Castle on Fremont Street during one of our lunch breaks, I walk in and there was a guy robbing the place. I guess it happens all the time because they just took my order while it was happening and the guy didn't bother me. There's a police substation like 300 feet away, blows my mind
On the way back I took the shuttle to go and get my car at the airport parking and wouldn't you to know who I ran into: somebody who I haven't seen in more than 6 years, who used to be close friends with W and me, and who distanced themselves from us when W broke. Just out of the blue, a chance meeting, and it was the husband: him and I were really good friends. I was having a really rough time after W had entered MLC and they just disappeared, *poof*. Can't really blame them. They didn't know what was going on. I didn't even know what was going on at the time either but hey, I don't know, maybe they thought it was contagious or something. Who knows?
He is talking, he is happy to see me and he mentions that he had thought about reaching out to me multiple times and never did. Once he knew that we were in trouble, he wanted to check on me but just didn't. So mostly he wants to know if everything turned out all right and I told him yes: Everything in the end has turned out fine and we have gotten through it but I wasn't going to go into any details or anything there on the shuttle bus.
It was nice to get an update on his family, his young little children, how they are doing, and his work and all of that but I didn't offer to get together or anything like that. "It was very nice to see you and catch you later" (there isn't going to be a later).
I find it so interesting that you can have what you think are very close relationships but the moment that the waters get rough or anything like that, people tend to disappear. I do my best to be the opposite of that and so I kind of hope that other people do the same but that just isn't the case.
W has her big vacation here in just a few weeks so me and the little hound and the bird are going to be all alone for 2.5 weeks, something like that. That'll be really nice and she's going to be off on a safari.
Life is good, work is good, and now it's time to eat right and work out even harder. Lots of fun.
One vacation at a time,
-SS
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Holy smokes, I have to tell my co-workers about the restaurant robbery. We ate dinner one night at a Mediterranean place just east of the White Castle past the end of Fremont St. Experience.
I wonder what to do about former friends... The only people I'm really still in touch with are a few people I new before I even met my ex-wife, which makes sense. I'm still FB friends with a couple who XW and I used to hang out with a lot, but don't really interact with them. (We were in completely different social circles other than roller derby, and wouldn't have met otherwise.) I considered unfriending them, but one of my older friends (who also knew them) suggested just keeping connected and not doing anything beyond that. (I was going to unfriend them for petty reasons, but just dojn't follow them.)
We might need to talk about that Star Trek cruise... ;D
JB
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Always great to hear your updates. I’m heading to Vegas soon, I’ll definitely keep
My eyes open for hold ups!