Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Midlife Crisis => Our Community => Topic started by: amazinglove on August 06, 2026, 08:05:41 AM
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So I've been thinking about this for a while now and wanted to come back here and offer thoughts, as someone who is now nearly 3 years post BD. When I first started in this group, it would be an understatemnt to say I was floundering. I was writing daily and constantly refreshing to see if someone responded - and invariably, i would be met with a long, wise, wonderful reply that felt like a balm on my bleeding soul. I am really grateful for all of you that were there for me at such a horrendous time in my life. Strangers, but not to my situation for sure.
The reason I wanted to come back is to say that those of you who pushed me to divorce quickly for financial security were right. I wondered many times if I had filed too quickly, before I had a chance to see if things could possibly sort themselves out (or more accurately he could sort himself out) and he did not want to get divorced - he was very happy to travel back and forth between his rich gf overseas and his wife and kids here. he wanted it all. Because of how much I still loved him, missed the man I knew, and also bc of the quality of the marriage I believed I'd had for a decade, I wondered if I was too hasty to set up such a large and almost insurmountable obstacle towards reconciliation.
What I've realized since then is this: he has become so entrenched in this new personna, his selfishness has skyrocketed, his guilt has lessened enormously, he has rewritten our history to make himself my victim, he refuses to carry any shame, and if I were to approach the subject of divorce now, I am certain he would fight me for more money and just gnerally make things infinitely harder for me.
At the time I filed, he was still sorry. He was still crying ab what he had done, he was still of two minds. There was guilt. He was generous and walked away with almost nothing. But what's happened since is that he's gotten so far away from me and the kids (geographically and emotionally) that I am dealing with a person I don't know how to reach at all. There is zero, absolutely zero empathy for the responsibility he's left me with. I sometimes think, altho he still says 'i love you all' to me and the kids - that if i died in a car accident the only thing that would upset him is how his life could potentialy get harder, or more expensive with me gone and not supporting and raising the kids.
So, all that to say, I am glad I filed when I did. I gave him a year to mess around with my life and my heart and filed. I told him I didnt want to be cheated on any more. I knew he was having some kind of breakdown and the more I read about it, the more I am convinced he is v much textbook MLC, but the toll it was taking on me was enormous to live with that status quo.
Divorcing has been horrible. I still miss hiim, in fact i dreamed about him last night and woke up at 4am deeply sad - but I dont think ab him all the time anymore, I am genuinely happy and carefree again (in moments) and I can honestly say I love my life here in Tennessee (we moved and built a new house after the divorce, started over in every way). There has been a lot of progress. This summer I spent weeks in his company (for a small amt every day) and altho I got annoyed and frustrated many, many times, did not shed a single tear. Progress!
If you are on the fence about whether or not to file, I can only say this: the man you will face in the courtoom later is not the man you married and not even the man that left you, he will almost certainly be someone who has been changed and altered by the sin, selfishness, narcissism, madness of his new life. Whatever sympathy he still has for you may be diminished, as will his guilt, as he creates a narrative in which he can live with himself.
Hopefully this helps someone. I'm glad I filed when I did. It was brutal and hurt deeply, because I filed when I was still v much in love with him and mourning what we had - but in spite of the hope i was still holding on to at that time - i did it bc i wanted something solid to stand on. I'm glad I did and thank you from the bottom of my heart to those that took the time to advise me in that way!
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Great to hear from you again Amazing, and I‘m happy for where you are now. It’s normal to still dream about them; it’s part of the healing process. I used to dream a lot about my exh and even now after 7 years post BD I still dream about him not constant but once in a while. The missing part will also diminish so keep going. I can relate to being carefree after the whole MLC drama. I love my life now, I can do whatever I want and I‘ve made a new friends, most of all I‘ve become more authentic being just myself. We are stronger and more capable than what we think.
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Thanks for replying Dragonfly! I just caught myself up on your thread. So much wisdom there and I’m so happy to see where you’ve ended up. You are doing great!
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It is so hard to divorced someone you love. I did it in 90 days and I like you saw a empathetic man who walked away with basically his clothes only turn into a cold and more narcissistic man. I don’t miss the man he is now at all, but I will say I see him now as two different men. The man I married and lived with for 30 years and the man he is now. I miss who I thought he was and maybe was, but not who he has become. I’m so glad you are settled and coming through the other side of all this pain and loss. It is like grieving a death of someone and it never truly fully heals, but you do live on and enjoy a new normal once again.
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Totally agree with Madluv.