Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Buggy31 on June 15, 2010, 06:46:19 AM
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For those of you that have come out of the crisis I was wondering if you could share a little bit about what your husbands discovered about themselves. What things were healed? After the crisis, before settling down (which I understand could result in memory loss) are they aware of what their Shadow contained? Are they aware of abuse they have repressed? ( IF that's part of it) Did any of your spouses share what they learned with you? Can they even articulate this healing or is it less intellectual and more emotional/developmental?
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Hi Buggy,
My H has far from come out of his tunnel, but it is clear that he has some wounds. In his case, he felt that his mum was somewhat resentful at having a family rather than a career, because she was so good at school. Then, she had to cope with 4 kids on her own after his dad was killed. I think she became very critical/ controlling, less affectionate. Then he was sent to a very strict boarding school at age 9, and didn't see he family for months. So he became very introverted in response, and autonomous, with control (and self control) as major issues. He probably failed to develop interpersonal relationships as much, and has definately worn a mask of duty and perfection. He has worked 7 days a week for the past 10 years, and much of the previous 12. He only relaxes a week into his holiday.
He projected that perfection on me when we first met (I was his angel from heaven), then became progressively furious that we were in his space, and not perfect (just human). He then projected all his fears onto me. His shadow, as far as I can see, is to lose control, stop trying to be perfect, and have a break from doing his duty. It is to accept that he is sometimes fearful, not always perfect, and to live.
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Hi Mermaid
Thanks for the reply. I was curious whether these were things he could articulate to you that he's discovered about himself through the crisis or are these things that you have figured out based on his family and what you know of him.
Your husband sounds quite similiar to mine in that he was a huge workaholic. He moved out last weekend and I am really beginning to realize just how absent he has been even though he has been phycially present. I guess it makes the MLC a bit easier for me to deal with in the sense that I already was doing most by myself. This is something we'll have to address in the future when/if he emerges from this healed. I also suspect abuse issues in my husband's childhood. It has become a STRONG intuition lately. I believe it's God's way of saying "be patient, be compassionate and just love". Most people don't understand this but it's all I know how to do.
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There are a few workaholic Hs on the forum. It's one of the masks that Accomodators have, perfecting their facades (which crack in midlife).
I have realised that my H has had issues for a long time, since I met him, and I had an idea of what they might be. However, the path of discovery has been his. He's been able to articulate a lot for himself, with time and reflection, but I've helped him with some observations, some of which he has accepted.
Like you, I've also been the one doing everything at home, kids, house, etc, while working full time (and studying). So if/ when H goes (he's planning to, calmly), it won't make a difference in terms of workload, only company.
"be patient, be compassionate and just love". Most people don't understand this but it's all I know how to do.
I think this is the key. No bitterness, just love.
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Love is always the answer, it's just difficult not having R talks, showing love while being an outcast.
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Did anyone watch this show last night on OWN?
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Guess not. It was very interesting, talking about childhood trauma and the wounded children.
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No, didn't see it. My H has been addicted to food ever since I've known him. Just before leaving me he went on a very restrictive diet and lost 70lbs. I think he's gained it all back and even more.
Tell us about the show and any significance?
Thanks
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Every one of them had big time childhood issues. Very wounded. You could see them act like 5 year olds
when it came to eating. Some would refuse to eat and others wanted only chips. The therapist was great.
I could see all the exact same issues that we see in out MLCers, it just manifested itself in a different way.
It made me realize MLC is really almost no different than any other addiction / depression.
They were using the 12 step program also.
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I've read a lot about how childhood issues come to the fore during a MLC and that they need to be dealt with. But K-R and others like H-B never really give any examples of how this actually manifests itself. I can see POSSIBLY how some childhood issues are manifesting themselves in my husband's MLC but I am not certain about it. Can anyone give some concrete examples of where it is really clear that is what is going on and how they resolve it, if your spouse is that far along?
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Yes. My husband and his older sister both had MLC when their child was seven years old.
When my husband was seven, his mom accidentally got pregnant by a man she was casually dating. (The parents were divorced.) She had a shotgun wedding to the man who turned out to be a cruel and abusive stepfather and husband. When the baby was born the entire family was plunged into chaos.
My sister in law also had an accidental pregnancy after bomb drop. She "corrected" her mom's mistake by terminating. In my husband's case I don't see an attempt at correction (yet?).
Around bomb drop my husband when he was being especially cruel would speak to me in the regional accent of his childhood. He held his body differently and would use regional slang expressions I had never heard him say before. At one point he told me I was more like his abusive stepfather than anyone he has ever met. I hadn't heard of MLC and projection at the time so of course I was incredulous.
I have a slightly different take on childhood issues however, and that this kind of PTSD is not the trigger for the disorder but a side effect of the (I believe) neurological condition.
If you read about ventromedial prefrontal cortex you find:
Studies with Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) also supported the idea that the ventromedial prefrontal cortex is an important component for reactivating past emotional associations and events, therefore essentially mediating pathogenesis of PTSD.
My former SIL as well had many of the physical and behavior symptoms he has, including eye appearance and mania.
I am not sure that MLC is a path to resolving issues. The reason I say this is because most people with a returned MLCer will note that they still seem "uncooked" or even in MLC. I think it is only when someone regains brain chemistry equilibrium that he or she can begin to address these issues.
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One issue I can see with my H is very clear. H has learning differences, Dyslexia and Dysgraphia the most pronounced. Watching him read is literally painful because I see his eyes hit every...single...word... on the page. It has to be hard on him. His writing is very bad. Both of our children got smacked right between the eyes with the same issues, but both are very intelligent, as is H (fortunately, they missed on on some of the other issues H has).
When H was in High School, he did poorly in Spanish (if you cant read English, you're going to have trouble with a foreign language) and the teacher told him "It's OK, the world needs ditch diggers, too." Yes. She really did that. As if not being able to speak Spanish means you have no other option than to dig ditches. I saw the beginnings of MLC when D20 was 14 and started High School. D, however, is very smart and knows how to get the help she needs, and fight for what she deserves (extra time, for one). I showed her how, by fighting for her for years. She embraces all that she is, knows what her limitations are, and chooses to leverage her accommodations to make the best out of a non ideal situation. I think this is why the MLC didn't blossom until S17 hit high School.
When S17 started High School, he had a very hard time. S wanted to be like everyone else. He didn't want anyone to know he had any issues. But the Executive Function Disorder (inability to prioritize things properly) wreaked havoc on S the first year of high school. I think H started reliving High School Hell at that point. The following year, when D left for college, the realization that the kids were growing up hit him. That he was running out of time to do all the things he never did because he was too busy playing video games. Somehow, that was my fault. Go figure. I forced him to play video games instead of starting a business. Insert violin music here. And he HAD to start a business, because his dad started a business. And because if you work for yourself, no one can say you aren't good enough.
Bottom line, my H is reliving his hideous high school experience through S17, he's lost his identity as his version of what a father is because the kids are grown, he needed to start a business because he doesn't know who he is and needs to be who his father was, and needed to leave to force me to get a job so that I could support the kids in case the business didn't work out. He had already proven that the people who thought he'd never make it were wrong, but somehow that just didn't take hold in his psyche. That's my opinion, and I'm sticking to it. ;D
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Can anyone give some concrete examples of where it is really clear that is what is going on and how they resolve it, if your spouse is that far along?
RCR has written about Ericksons stages of childhood development.
There is not a lot research tying these two things together however I happen to agree
with RCR that this theory is a great place to start.
I know with some of the MLC'er that I have seen they display
certain lacks of skills that seem to relate to the ages that they were wounded at.
So my theory is that depending on the wounding age they must redevelop from that age.
In my ex-s case she was trust vs mistrust which is learned at 2-3 years old, so I am assuming she must grow up from that point if she is ever able to trust someone.
So maybe her crisis will be over in another 20 years, we will both be 83 years old by then.
Hope you can keep living your life to make the most of it,
that is what I have decided to do.
Edit - I have merged this topic in with an older one, to get some other older views.
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I agree with OP. This is also the stuck stage of narcassist traits. Never developing past the place where we ate meant to be narcassistic.
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Bump. Here is a thread on childhood issues that can be enriched by your contributions.
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http://www.nextavenue.org/effects-childhood-trauma/?platform=hootsuite
Childhood Trauma Effects Often Persist Into 50s and Beyond
Childhood abuse raises the risk of serious mental and physical problems later
December 8, 2016
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Another common trait among trauma survivors is the need for control, Barnes said.
“Control can look one of two different ways: ‘I’m going to control everyone and everything around me, so I can feel safe,’ or ‘I’m going to withdraw from everything and control by not participating,’”
Number 1 is what my husband is doing with OW. Number 2 is what he is doing with me, and to a much lesser extent, what he did with me in the past.
It makes me so angry that he has to suffer for a lifetime from his father's actions. I had such a normal and well-adjusted childhood, that I cannot imagine what it must be like.
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The ACE study and the survey it's based on are interesting. I've seen this before and I've discussed it with my therapist. Until I was 54 I thought I had a normal childhood but, with a score of 4, I join the 9.2% of men who scored a 4 or higher. Based on what I know now about my wife's childhood I believe she would have a score of 5. I wouldn't argue with their conclusions.
Children don’t know how to process a traumatic event or environment, experts say. Those who suffer childhood abuse or trauma often grow to distrust others, having been betrayed by the very adults who were supposed to teach, nurture and protect them, according to the Australian abuse support group Blue Knot Foundation.
I think this statement is interesting. I wouldn't dispute this either.