Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Synicca on July 01, 2011, 05:35:50 PM
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OK, I didnt know how to start this topic...so bare with me....
I tried to ask this on my own thread but I havent recieved any info.....maybe RCR or the Pros answer this one.
There is talk of what causes MLC to take control or to start the MLC process, like a death or loss of job, etc.
My question....what if these sorts of things happen while they are deep in the tunnel?
for instance, if they are affraid of dying...or fear of getting old...and someone dies during this MLC process.
Gosh! I really dont know if I am making any darn sense here...LOL!
My h has been through some personal issues since replay or going deep in the tunnel...
Death of a close uncle....
My mom getting Cancer again
His ONLY brother getting sicker and sicker...May not be around much longer. ( bypolar, manic depressive )
drug addict, homeless...almost died recently
and then the discovery of my own health issues that will cause severe pain as I get older.
I know not all of these are major...but how would it affect an MLCer? does anyone know?
would it make it worse?
cause them to think?
I know I am reaching in the dark here.....but when his Uncle passed away, it took alot out of my H
and I was seriously worried he would commit suicide at the time.
Please excuse me if I am rambling....... :)
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Stnicca that is a question I would like answered too. My H is alo in deep MLC I think and his Mom died suddenly 2 weeks ago. He had not spoken to his Mom in 16 years...( Family Issues). I too was wondering if it makes things worse or helps the to face their fears.
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Thats gotta be tough.....losing a parent even if they werent close.....seems like it would make it
worse.....or ad to the guilt?? idk but I would like to know....
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Me too, Syn,
My h. may have to face his brother's death soon, he is out of rehab but is drinking again - he has wernicke-korsakoff syndrome, so the abstinence period will come again and then, who knows? I just wonder how much this will affect him...
My h. is still in replay, not so intense, but there nevertheless.
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I thought I read in one of the articles that if some tauma like that occurs it can wake them up too soon or something and they might come out too soon without their skin or something....then they have to GO BACK and finish the right way...don't listen to me I'm just thinking out loud :o
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LOL Mamma!!
and I thought I didnt make any sense.... ;D
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No really. I read something about that in an article..where is DGU? Isn't he the one that can pull a rabbit out of a hat :) or an article out of an articles section? ;D
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oh I'm sure you did.....just giving you a hard time....:)
I agree.....where is DGU???? ooooh DGuuuuuuu...we need your expertise over here please!!!! ;D
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LOL at Mama Bear....."without their skin"? :o
I'm not DGU but since I just read this not too long ago, I found this from HB where she addressed the topic of trauma. Don't know how to do quotes, and some day I'm going to learn, but here it is:
On the other hand;
IF they experience heavy trauma while trying to get through OR even come out with an "emotional block" of some kind, they WILL come on out BUT...they will experience recurring cycles of crisis, and the process is attempted again, only in a different fashion...there will be components missing from the first crisis, because those issues have already been faced/decided within them.
What they end up cycling in, are issues that they "skipped" or "missed" while within the tunnel the first time.
What usually results in this is a person going through a different kind of tunnel/crisis trying to catch up on what has NOT been faced/settled.
This is a confusing time, if this happens as the stages cannot be looked at to see where they are, you will NOT know for sure...so MANY things will be MISSING, and it will make you think you've missed something yourself, when you haven't.
It has been said that if a person's processing is interrupted, it can result in them not finishing; while that is possibly true, I cannot say that for certain, as I had watched my husband exit the tunnel, go into Acceptance, begin the "settling down" process, and a year and half later, I observed a "going back" personality changes going backward, and much later, I discovered that a child of his issues had been missed, causing a different kind of crisis, different type of tunnel.
This time, many components of the BIG ONE, were missing...only a child was evident, and I was put into a position of authority that I didn't want to be in, but SOMEBODY had to take responsibility.....
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My H had a heart attack in the tunnel, and what happened was OW and his parents rallied to be by his side. He wanted me there too, one big, happy family, but I refused. You could say I missed an opportunity to pave the way but there is no way I was going to do that and put my kids in that position. So, I think that put him totally back into childhood. He isn't even a teen anymore, he is 4, and he has TWO women who are willing to put him on a pedastal and cater to his every whim. Perhaps it depends on what kind of crisis it is and who steps up to help that determines the path. All I know is I think that was when he decided they would get married...
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LL
did you notice any changes in your H after the heart attack???
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I have been strict NC. I saw him for the first time in a year two weeks ago. The thing that really struck me is that he looked so old, but that is difficult--he was with her, who looks 12, so I am not sure if he looked old, or if she made him look old. Hard to know, but when he left me he was balding with no gray and now he is totally gray, shockingly so, in fact. The kids say he is calmer, and he seems somewhat mellower to me, but it's hard to know, I REALLY forced myself to detach and be NC. I knew it was the only way I could live. I could never do what you are doing synnica, I would be a basket case--I know I am not that strong...
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So, could the trauma of being fired from your job at the same time you just purchased a house push you out of the tunnel too soon? My ex just got fired this week and closed on purchasing a house two days later. I don't see how he can be "happy" with his screwed up life. It makes me shake my head in such disbelief at all the damage and destruction he has done to himself. It's just so hard for me to sit and watch him doing this to himself. It's like watching him slowly drown inside a glass bubble and I can't get to him to pull him to safety.
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LL
believe me...it's not easy....I'm reaching my breaking point...not sure how much more I can handle.
but I just keep telling myself....its not him....it's the DIS_EASE.
I hope we can get some answers....LMM, seems like that would throw your H over the top...so IDK.
Hmmm do you have regular contact with him?? maybe watch his behaviour now that he has lost his job.
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synicca,
I don't really have regular/constant contact with him. He had started contacting me more via phone calls and actually seeing me more.............just very briefly. He worked with a friend of mine and through her I "heard" things........now, things will most definitely be different. My ex called me to tell me he got fired. He was very curt with me and matter of fact. The problem is that we jointly own vacation property.........which now the burden of payments falls on me. I can manage but it will be very tight financially. I have lots of experience living on bare minimum while raising two children........so this shouldn't be too hard..........thank goodness I'm not responsible for small kids. I'll try to keep everybody update as things progress........I'm real curious to see how all of this will play out. I can't imagine buying a house knowing that I just lost my job.
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Sorry.....I was out tonight at a fireworks show, but looks like you found the information you were looking for.
My only additional input would be that I don't think we can really know how a trauma within the tunnel affects them. MLC itself is about emotional development, which includes coping skills that were not developed properly at an earlier age. That may be why we see MLC timeline ranges anywhere from 3-10 years.
So, if someone "came out" of their MLC, then went back in, how do we know they really came out of it? Maybe the MLCer was cycling?
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My H lost his dad while deep in the tunnel and quite honestly, I can't see that it made much of a difference, at least outwardly. I was hoping it would propel him forward but it definitely didn't seem to be time yet. Of course I have no way of knowing what went on/is going on inside my H - he hasn't expressed anything like that yet.
I have heard it can push them forward or cause them to go backwards, but I didn't see any obvious signs of either. Like always, I am sure it is specific to the individual.
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The trauma topic is interesting. I've always put our friend's suicide as the triggering event that started this mess.
I thought for along time that another event like that might bring him out.
We have had quite a lot of trauma in the past 4 years.....
Here is our experience: -- about 18 months into this his cousin died. This cousin was a minister who officiated at our wedding; but he died basically of not taking care of himself -- he was diabetic, on dialysis and an alcoholic who wouldn't stop drinking even for that, or for his only daughter. He had lost his wife a couple of years before. I was particularly sad, because this cousin had recognised that H wasn't right (we didn't talk MLC specifically), and really wanted to help, and H was even beginning to listen to him -- he wrote him an e-mail at about 6 months in saying that "perhaps there is hope for T&L and me...".
Then a few weeks later another old friend of his family died; around that time his mother's alzheimer's got worse and 6 months later she had to go into a home; that home later closed and she had to be moved; then earlier this year our son's godmother suddenly died, just a few weeks ago a close colleague of his died in an accident..... have I missed anything???
After our son's godmother's death he even said that he had been thinking at the funeral that if he were to "go" now, what would be the legacy -- and concluded that it would be nil.
So all that goes to show that it doesn't seem to mean anything in terms of getting them through; in my case it "appears" that it didn't make one iota of difference; perhaps even pushed him deeper into running away. But I guess we don't know what they're thinking.
I remember back to my own "early-life" crisis; a couple of things like that happened, but they didn't really do anything one way or another, other than one funeral (a friend's mother, in her 40s) did make me go back and at least "be" in the company of people I had left behind. So perhaps these traumas also do that for my H.
So long answer to short question, basically saying the same thing that trusting is saying.