Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: TrustingMyHP on July 06, 2011, 01:41:24 PM
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I'm curious as to what's been the experience of those of you with in-laws in how they've reacted and behaved in response to your spouse's MLC.
Have they been supportive of both of you, just your spouse, just you? Have they taken sides? Have they said nothing, have they "thrown you under the bus"? etc.
What's been your feelings about their behavior? Comforted, understanding, confused, angry, hurt, sad, disappointed?
H and I've been married 38 yrs. For most of those yrs. we've lived in the same state, 90 miles from his family. He's one of 5 sibs.
His sibs all live about 45 minutes from each other with most of their children and grandchildren nearby. (All of my sibs are scattered around the country. H & I've never lived close to any of them, although I talk to and see each of them pretty frequently.)
Both H's parents are deceased. Before his mom died 6 yrs. ago (which I now believe was the first major trigger of H's MLC) there were frequent family gatherings on holidays and numerous other occasions. H & I happily hosted no small number of these.
I always had a strong, warm relationship with H's parents and all his sibs. His parents liked me very much and truly treated me like a daughter.
This may sound strange, especially because I was an "out-law," but everyone in the family considered me to be the family historian and, I don't think this is an exaggeration, sort of the "heart" of the family.
I'm an avid genealogist and I would make elaborate yearly family calendars with birthdays, anniversaries, and legacy photos. I did copious amounts of research at libraries in the state and found out all kinds of interesting things about the family's history.
I kept all the important genealogy documents (bibles, wills, etc.) and I started, 36 yrs. ago, an annual Yuletide party, creating special traditions and a unique ceremony, that's become a "must attend" function for everyone in H's family.
In fact, before BD, I was organizing a bus tour of the major east coast city the family comes from that would show them the houses their great grandparents occupied, the church their parents were married in, historic or important sites in the town that had a connection to long ago ancestors and such.
My H's nieces and nephews were always especially nice to me. After a few drinks more than one of them over the years would tell me at a family gathering that I was "their favorite aunt."
So, you guessed it, since BD I've heard almost nothing from any of my in-laws. One of my SILs did call me twice in the immediate weeks following BD to offer sympathy.
This is the same SIL, however, who invited H and OW to bring H's boat up to her waterfront home and live on it at her pier(!) when they went public with their 2 yr. affair after BD.
H & OW now live on a boat in front of this SIL's house and spend a lot of social time with her & her H. FWIW, this same SIL's H (her third) divorced his wife of over 35 yrs. to marry SIL. That was 11 yrs. ago. (He's estranged from his two grown sons and has grandchildren he's never met.)
Another SIL & her H invited H & OW to her home for an elegant dinner about 6 weeks post BD. H told me he thought it was because his S was "curious" as to what OW was like.
This same SIL sent me an email immediately post BD (6 months ago) expressing her extreme shock and sadness about our separation (this was before I, or any of H's family, knew about the OW) and that she was not the kind of person who would "ignore a former in-law." Yeah, right. Last I heard from her.
Two of my H's 11 nieces and nephews have posted "how are you?" messages on my facebook page (once each.) At least that was something.
So, to sum up, I feel abandoned by these people who I deeply cared about and treated with great affection as my second family for almost 4 decades. I'm stunned by what appears to be a "circling of the wagons" around their errant brother and a, seeming, total indifference to me and how my life is going.
I've talked to my own sibs about this and they've told me I'm being unrealistic to think my H's family would behave any other way. My own S told me that she'd do the same thing if I brought home an adulterous partner and said "this is my new love, I've left my H." She said she wouldn't approve but she would feel that she had to accept the situation and support me.
My oldest B and SIL are serious Catholics. Their oldest D divorced, after 4 yrs. of marriage, and then married a newly divorced man. My B and SIL were extremely upset but felt they had no choice, if they wanted to have a relationship with their D, than to accept the sitch.
My therapist is the only person I've spoken to that believes H's sibs should be "calling him out" on his behavior instead of enabling it (giving him a place to live with OW, including him in their social lives, ignoring me, etc.) He says it's an indication of the dysfunction of H's FOO that they have so easily accepted his unethical behaviour.
Of course, as I've read here numerous times, we can't really know what's been thought or said by my H's sibs to him or about him. My D, however, has been in touch with some of her cousins and she disdainfully reports to me that, "Mom, they think it's just fine. Dad's in love with someone new. To them it's no big deal." There's been a lot of divorce in my H's family. In addition to the SIL H's living with, he has a brother who's been married and divorced 3xs.
My D also told me something much more upsetting. She said that some of my H's family, in her opinion, were actually "pleased" H & I separated because they saw me as a "bit of a prig" because I don't drink (don't serve alcohol in my home, either) and they felt like I had a "holier than thou" attitude about it. (Need I say that many--about half--of my H's sibs and niece's and nephews are alcoholics. DUI, serious car accidents, falling down alcoholics.)
It chills me to the bone that people I thought really cared about me, can so easily see me replaced. But even more hurtful is that I don't hear from them. I'm not expecting them to take my side but it would be nice to receive a "how are you" email or text or note in the mail. Obviously they either don't care or fear it might upset their B or don't want to "deal" with any reaction they fear I might have.
It's really hurt me. If H & I ever do reconcile one of the big issues for me will be my feelings about his family. I will never feel the same about them, or care about them the way I did, and will have little to no motivation to be a "good family member."
My mom used to tell me "blood is thicker than water." Boy was she right.
The relationship with the in-laws. . .another tragic loss of MLC.
So what's your story?
TMHP
M 58
H 60
D 22
M 38 yrs.
BD Jan. '11
H living with OW since BD
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hi tmhp
ive just got going talking on other peoples threads now so bear with me lol. my mil died 5 years ago and i think that may have been a trigger for his mlc. im pretty lucky that all hubbys family stay in touch with the kids and me. they treat me exactly the same as before which i love. i know fil has ow in his home but not sure how he feels about it. ive never discussed our break up or badmouthed there son. i just said at bomb drop that i was sad to loose them as family but they would always be the kids grandad, aunts and uncles etc. only see fil yesterday and he is so warm and caring. like the dad i never had. theyve all said that i will be like family to them forever. hope it lasts. even bil rings regularly or inboxes me on facebook. maybe time will bring them back closer to you. have to say my kids are aged 4 - 13 so maybe being younger has helped. hope this helps. anything else feel free to ask :)
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My MIL started digging to see if I was having an affair. Obviously I wasn't worried about that.....dig away. Nothing to find. She was sure that was the real reason why my wife wanted to divorce me so badly.
One of my SIL's felt bad for me. She sent me a message before the divorce just saying hello. Other than that, no contact with them.
FIL passed away a few years ago and I believe his death is the trigger.
With perhaps a few exceptions, blood will be thicker. Not to mention, if unresolved childhood issues are the cause of MLC, you probably won't get much help from that direction anyway.
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My MIL passed away 4 years ago........probably started the MLC. My ex hubby has 3 other siblings.......an older sister and brother, then his twin brother. He is not in contact or close to the older two but he has a tight bond with his twin (naturally). So, his brother and SIL are the only family to speak of. They turned their backs on me immediately. I reached out to them both on several occasions only to have them disregard me completely. So, now they are all a happy little threesome. It hurt me so much at first but now I'm over it. I don't know what all my ex might have said to them about me and there is nothing I can do about it. My ex once told me in the earlier months of all this mess that his brother/SIL always thought I didn't like them. Whatever. Never believe what an MLC'er says! As DGU said, blood is thicker than water.
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My mother-in-law for the last 24 years totally cut me off. She became very cold and stand offish. We were always very close
and had a great relationship. She really did a number on me because she knew about my H and his new love since last year. My BD was 2/11. The week after my BD, she flew to FL from NY and stayed with my H and OW and helped them move
into a house together with my furniture ect.. At this point I knew nothing of OW. H told me he was alone. He lied. OW
had been living with my H for 3 months before my BD. He worked out of town and we had an apartment there. He came
home on Friday evenings.
H and his mother
even came down two Saturdays in a row and took our S for the day. I even went to dinner with them one time. My H
had the nerve to ask me if they could spend the night here. At first I said yes but then I knew I couldn't handle it so I said no so they drove back home that night 3 hours away. Now when I think back I am sooooo angry. How could they look
me or our S in the eyes. They both were lying and being so deceitful. I feel like such a fool. I am so embarrassed
and I totally lost respect for my mother-in-law. What she did was so morally wrong. She helped teach our S
that it is ok to be married and yet be living with a mistress at the same time. She also got a loan for my H so he could buy
a brand new Harley to hide it from me just a few days after BD. :o
I am sorry, but my mother-in-law always claimed to be a Christian woman and her behavior is not something a Christian
person would do. She hurt her grandson deeply and now she and my H still act as though they did nothing wrong. It
is really sad and disturbing. I thought she would stay neutral at least because we always did have a great relationship.
Plus, she went through this numerous times with my H's father. He was an alcoholic and left H and his mother many
times and went and lived with other woman. My H was 10 and younger when this went on. I think that is why it hurts me
so much because she talked about those days several times over the years and how hurt she was by her husbands
behavior and then she helped her son do the same exact thing to me and her grandson. She has even said that she
was just as sick as him back then for letting him treat her like that. H's father also called my H's mother on his death
bad and apologized to her and asked for her forgiveness. :'(
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When my partner told his daughter, she was distraught and said she hoped that didn't mean that she wouldn't be in touch with me any more. He then told his mother and sister and when they saw his daughter, his mother said "What an idiot" and his sister said he was having a midife crisis.
Since then, his daughter has been a fabulous support to me but the rest of his family have almost tried to pretend that I no longer exist. We were together sixteen years and I thought I got on really well with his mother and fine with his sister but I never heard anything from either of them again apart from a Christmas card from his mother, nearly four months after bomb drop, which mentioned nothing about what had happened.
They have had disagreements with his daughter over her still seeing me as I am not 'family'. His sister told her that I only made an effort with his daughter because I was told to and that I'd never made an effort with them! She also said I was jealous of her very close relationship with her brother. (Luckily his daughter knows that that relationship never existed and that he couldn't stand her. He always said that he loved his sister but he didn't like her.) His sister is now - I think - best buddies with OW.
I just don't understand it as I haven't done anything to them. I just can't imagine what he actually told them. His daughter thinks the mother is totally influenced by his sister and whatever she says goes. In fact, at New Year when my ex met up with his daughter and she was upset at the way they were all trying to pretend that nothing had happened, he asked his mother to put in a good word for him. Her answer was apparently: "Why, is she being censorious?". Luckily his daughter is now old enough not to believe any lies that she is told.
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Mine have been very supportive (and have tried to support H too, but until recently I believe were unwilling to meet OW). That may have changed now, I don't really want to know, but they have helped me out a lot. I think part of it is just that we have very small children that my IL's don't want to lose. I think that they also know that H is having some sort of crisis because he fails to contact his kids etc. I don't talk about him with them ever, I keep the relationship that the kids and I have with them as separate as I can. MIL was also staying with me to help with the kids after BD, she witnessed some of H's bizarro behaviour and he lied to her a couple of times too, so I think she understands better than maybe she would even like to.
I do think that perhaps if my children had been older, or if there hadn't been any the situation might have been different, but tbh I would probably have been less inclined to stay in touch with them if there had been no kids. I also wonder if H would have even had this MLC without kids because MLC seems to have been triggered in part by fatherhood, FOO issues from his own childhood and a total freak out and inability to handle responsibility on any level.
My IL's have been great and they tell me they see themselves as neutral. The truth is that they are not neutral (their son will always be their son and they will always want to give him the benefit of the doubt in a way that they won't with me). Hence why I don't talk about H with them, or with SIL with whom I have been friends for a very long time. To maintain a R with them I need to behave "as if" with them too. "As if" everything is fine. Which of course is not the whole truth.
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My FIL and MIL are very upset with my H.
My FIL told him from the very beginning..." I don't agree with what your doing, but I can't stop you"
and he told him " You better take care of your responsibilities or I'll make sure our Grand daughter
gets everything you own"
My MIL tried several times to talk to H about His "crazy behaviour" She in fact told H to never bring Ow
around while she is home.
My IL's are 100% on my side and are very supportive of me and my D13. MY FIL actually told me
to "take my H for everything he's got and then some"
They are very upset at him for abandoning their Grand daughter...and they do not speak to him
at all...of course my H doesn't contact them either... >:(
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Wow I didn't realize how lucky I was. After my H didn't come home on Valentine's Day I emailed his Bros and Sisters that he was mssing. Everyone sprang into action. When I confronted him on the side street near the kids school he pushed me aside to " Be with his REAL friend now" I emailed them back in the subjet line I wrote "My Biggest Fear"
I told them he was back on vicodin and he abandoned his family.
They are pissed at him. Several have called him and ripped him a new one. Others ARE NOT SPEAKING TO HIM. They say he needs to grow up. They say he's been a disaster his whole life and I was the best thing that ever happened. Last week in a chaotic scramble to make it feel real he brought Bowser Ow to his Mom's to pick up a jacket someone forgot. He didn't go inside and his Mom said she didn't talk. She gave them the nastiest look she said. I don't think they'll try that again. I let her live here for 6 mos pre BD. She almost died in the hospital.
His one BIL from long ago said"I'll stay neutral"
I asked him "How can you stay neutral. neutral in what? Child and spouse abandonment?"
I'm giving everyone stuff to PROCESS! :o :o
i am so sorry for all of you. People suck,,,,I mean some people suck.
Everyone here rocks........
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I'd been treated like a daughter by my inlaws for past 23yrs. Inlaws appeared sweet, loving and caring.
FIL passed away 4 years ago - think it also was the trigger.
I was close to MIL - I used to be her rock. H not that close to siblings or mother. But felt duty bound towards her.
At BD, I mentioned a few of H's out of character behaviours to MIL. She was 'scared' for us.
A few weeks later I dared to ask a couple of 'skeleton in the closet' questions at the recommendation of my SIL.
Hmmmn, that was the turning point. Denial from MIL and then accusations from her to me started about maybe we did have a bad marriage after all! Huh? She hung up on me.
No contact from her at all for over a year, until a few weeks ago. Phoned re a natural disaster in our area - were we all safe? Didn't mention H at all.
She said how much she loved us all. No further phone contact. But I did receive a birthday card. I have no desire to phone her.
Boys and I also have been so shocked and hurt at the rejection. DGU - agree completely. If MLC is about unresolved childhood issues, then of course dysfunction will set in at the source too.
To acknowledge H's behaviour towards boys and I, would be for my MIL to acknowledge how she in some way failed her son.
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The first time H left feo a few days he stayed at SIL's house. She called and asked me to have a coffe and give her my side of the story. Once she was aware that I did want to work on the marriage and not simply separate, she felt uncomfortable having H there and told him she didn't want to facilitate our break up. He ended up coming home. I didn't know about MLC then.
2 months later H left and this time finally told his mother. She had a sense there was something she needed to pray for us but had no idea we were in trouble. It was my mum who babysat the kids when we had counselling last year. H always found it difficult to break bad news to his mum.
She was really upset and sent him a heartfelt message that marriage is hard work and to think about what he was giving up and to not walk away from the responsibility of his 4 kids. It was not a nasty message but one you would expect from a caring mother and grandmother. However, H took it as if she was judging him and setting up a lynch mob against him with his sister (who he hadn't even spoken with yet.)
So H has consequently told his mum it's also her fault for the way he is and he has told her to delete his number from her phone. He refuses to speak with her.
H also got angry to find SIL at my home helping with the kids one morning and later text her tosay he could have easily broken her neck and not felt any remorse about it. Such is his hatred.
MIL and SIL have been my greatest supporters and are more willing than my own family to understand what MLC is all about. I can discuss all I've learnt with them and they are interested. The love the kids and have been helping me through prayer, practical service and emotional support. A counsellor who I don't normally see said I couldn't be emotionally conected to them. We have decided that if H doesn't want us we will still be friends/ family.
H used to be close to his mother before this. His father passed away 2 years ago and I think that propelled him forward into MLC. He always talked about how his dad never affirmed him and I witnessed that also. He also rememberes when he was around 6 yrs old and his dad suddenly stopped hugginh him and started shaking his hand instead. That hurt my H deeply.
His brother was estranged from the family a number of times for many years. Little tiff with parents and then he's off and won't speak to anyone but SIL.
Now, H is only engaging with BIL and not anyone else. H used to always say he didn't trust his brother and now they are connected again. His brother also told his sister he was glad to have H back and glad he's moved on when he heard about OW. Now MIL and SIL don't hear mush from BIL unless he wants to borrow money. Bad news for each other I think.
Anyway, my reply was very complicated but that's their family. I'm glad my MIL and SIL have the coviction to stand up for the truth and don't compromise their standards. They's forgive him but he wants nothing to do with them. His choice.
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My In-laws haven't been too supportive of me.
H moved in with In-laws immediately after he left. He is still there.
MIL is a Narcissist. She blames me. She blames my kids. She blames everyone BUT her Son. He is there for her and that's all she cares about. FIL is a milktoast and will do and say anything to keep MIL happy.
So, there it is.
After 30 years of being in their family - I was kicked to the curb quite quickly.
BIL and SIL (H's siblings) are ticked at their brother and have little to do with him. (As he has little to do with them).
It's pretty amazing.
Next weekend I will attend my H's niece's wedding (his brother's daughter). ALL of the family will be there. My girls are in the wedding party. It should be quite an event. I am dreading it. I would prefer NOT to go.....but, I love my niece and my daughters will be standing up.
This situation is really, really crappy.
L
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My in-laws have not seen or spoken to me, or my daughters since August 25th. Not even his brother's wife, who was one of my best friends. Recently, MIL started texting D13. I think she started texting b/c D sent a photo album to her, pictures of a vacation they took last year.
I have talked to his grandmother and kept in touch with his aunts. It's a little harder to have constant contact with them b/c there is a language barrier and they are in their late 80's, early 90's. It makes all of us very emotional.
Actually, if I decide to cease standing for my marriage it will be because of my in-laws. I'm quite happy without them in my life and really have no use for them. They are extremely shallow. selfish people.
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limitless, the proper term for your FIL is, I think, an inverted narcissist--someone who provides an NPD with their supply and in turn gains a reason for living! I love dysfunction!
My MIL and I had a falling out two years ago when my then S9 was diagnosed with cancer. She told me on the day that we came home from the hospital after surgery that she and FIL were getting an apartment in my town because I "would not take care of my son." We had had a hard time forever, but that was the final straw. She never approved of the fact that I didn't wear enough makeup, did not have regular manicures or pedicures, did not dress to my full potential, did not always serve meals on china, or get a PhD... H said he needed them here, and I said that considering they were prescribing the worst chemo regimen known to our son, it was very possible one person would not survive the year, if his parents were moving to town, there would likely be two fatalities, but he insisted. That was when one of my best friends, a PhD psychologist finally told me my MIL was a full on narcissist and I needed a good therapist because I did not have the "emotional toolbox" to deal with her...
Needless to say, they are all happy he found someone so much more suited to their family. She has a PhD in their field, was some kind of beauty queen and is willing to do anything to please... I always thought I got along well with his siblings, but I have only heard from one of them. She is a people pleaser, though and she is also the only one who has hosted OW, several times. I also didn't get any holiday cards from anyone in their circle--not family or friends, which leads me to wonder what he has told them. It is true, blood is thicker than water, but my kids know that it's not right and I wonder what it will do to them in the long-term. You know, what will happen at HS graduation, college graduation and weddings? How will this all work out for them?
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I never said a bad word about my H to his family. I spoke the truth and how I was feeling, but I never threw my H under the bus, so to speak. I only answered questions that my SIL had for me; I never volunteered any information. Trying to turn his family against him would not solve anything and possibly make matters worse in the long run.
I have only spoken to one SIL; the one that I was fairly close to when my H and I were together. She says that I will always be a part of the family and that her kids will ALWAYS call me auntie. She is very sweet and I love her. BUT, blood is thicker than water and I expect NOTHING from them as far as support.
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My MIL has been very supportive of me. My FIL passed away a couple months ago. I think that put her in "high gear" to keep in touch with me. She always addresses me as her DIL, though she knows that H has filed. She believes H needs time to collect himself and all will be okay.
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limitless, the proper term for your FIL is, I think, an inverted narcissist--someone who provides an NPD with their supply and in turn gains a reason for living! I love dysfunction!
Lisa - thanks for clearing that one up. I always thought the correct term started with a "p" and was another word for cat.
My MIL and I had a falling out two years ago when my then S9 was diagnosed with cancer. She told me on the day that we came home from the hospital after surgery that she and FIL were getting an apartment in my town because I "would not take care of my son." We had had a hard time forever, but that was the final straw. She never approved of the fact that I didn't wear enough makeup, did not have regular manicures or pedicures, did not dress to my full potential, did not always serve meals on china, or get a PhD... H said he needed them here, and I said that considering they were prescribing the worst chemo regimen known to our son, it was very possible one person would not survive the year, if his parents were moving to town, there would likely be two fatalities, but he insisted. That was when one of my best friends, a PhD psychologist finally told me my MIL was a full on narcissist and I needed a good therapist because I did not have the "emotional toolbox" to deal with her...
Wow. Your MIL and mine are almost identical! My MIL cared about shoes and purses (didn't you know that the first thing anyone looks at when they meet you are your purse and shoes?). She cared about whether or not you were thin enough (I wasn't) and if you were pretty enough. If you weren't then - you weren't worth ANYTHING. Superficial snob! I truly don't miss her.
Needless to say, they are all happy he found someone so much more suited to their family. She has a PhD in their field, was some kind of beauty queen and is willing to do anything to please... I always thought I got along well with his siblings, but I have only heard from one of them. She is a people pleaser, though and she is also the only one who has hosted OW, several times. I also didn't get any holiday cards from anyone in their circle--not family or friends, which leads me to wonder what he has told them. It is true, blood is thicker than water, but my kids know that it's not right and I wonder what it will do to them in the long-term. You know, what will happen at HS graduation, college graduation and weddings? How will this all work out for them?
A PHD, a beauty queen and a kiss ass! Wow! What a combo! If she had so much going for her - why did she need someone else's man? Couldn't find one who was free?
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Lisa - thanks for clearing that one up. I always thought the correct term started with a "p" and was another word for cat.
A PHD, a beauty queen and a kiss ass! Wow! What a combo! If she had so much going for her - why did she need someone else's man? Couldn't find one who was free?
I love you, I would marry you tomorrow, and we have so much in common, too bad I really like guys because I have met so many amazing women since BD...
I am going to bed happy tonight even though I spied on her FB page and am not happy with what I found. Then I swam a couple hundred laps to burn it all off, that and a glass of wine will make everything better!
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My h didn't have any contact with his family through the entire marriage. I was always the one going to town taking them out to eat, hauling fresh salmon from Seattle, sending them homemade jams, goodies, etc.
He would NEVER call home when I tried to pursade him to talk to his family. He has been isolated from them for many years.
Now, he's best of friends with all family members, and refuses to talk to me. Confusing because all these years he has hated all of them, but now I am being blamed for keeping him away from his family.
What a sick....never mind!
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Tsunami
My H who always had a distant but dutiful relationship with his mother before BD, who said 'she never protected us!' at BD, who couldn't explain what that meant - desperately bonded with his mother following this time.
I'm wondering if that's wearing off, and is that why she phoned out of the blue a few weeks ago - hoping I might give her some info - I didn't and she didn't ask.
H has also reached out to his siblings (in a superficial way) in this time too. No doubt I'll also get the blame for keeping him away from them all of these years. They're all pretty dysfunctional alcoholics, and he always disliked their lifestyles. Hey, he'll fit right in now.
His new 'best friends' all seem to have addictions of one sort or another! LOVELY! How dull am I?
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Kikki, they may subconsciously be trying to repair what they have ignored their whole lives with their families. It baffles me, because I know how he honestly feels about his family.
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All of my Hs family have been very supportive of me and our girls. My H has never spoken to his parents about any of his MLC, so everything they know they have learnt from me. I do feel pretty bad at times when they ask me how things are, after all it is their son I am talking about, but they want to hear it.
Pre MLC My H and his family were very close, but he has now alienated himself and barely speaks to them or has very little contact of any kind. My MIL has told me that no matter what happens I will always be her daughter, and Hs OW will never be welcome in their home. His parents, two sisters and brother are ashamed and disgusted at the way he has treated me, and would never have believed he would have done any of this.
Myself and 2Ds are due to go away on holiday in a few weeks with all of Hs family. He is the only one not invited. They paid for us to go away with them last year as well, only to have H turn up for a few days as he was missing me and needed to see me. I'm betting on a repeat of that again this year.
My MIL has told me it would serve her son right if I were to go out and meet someone else. I am not ready for that yet. I have tried to explain the basics of MLC to his mum and oldest sister, but I don't think anyone could possibly understand the complexities unless it had been dealt with first hand.
I do find it very sad though how this has driven a wedge through an otherwise very close knit family. His eldest sister has now given up trying to contact H, as he has made so many excuses not to speak to her over the last couple of years. The one thing they have all said, is that they no longer recognise him as he has changed so much.
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YUCK!
This IS a painful subject, isn't it?
My FIL died when we were both 21, we weren't married but we had already been together for over three years. My MIL died 16 years ago after a long, painful battle with cancer, in which I was closer than one of her daughter's!
I met my h. at high school and he and I and his sister were classmates for three years!
I was loved by his older relatives (grandparents, uncles and aunts, great uncles and aunts), considered a cousin by all his cousins - very much a member of the family.
My father is minister of the church and perfomed a number of weddings, funerals, baptisms, blessings within the family, even though the family is mostly Roman Catholic.
Before BD, BIL was put into a rehab clinic after a really bad crisis that brought on Wernick-Korsakoff Syndrome (I researched it thoroughly to be able to explain it to my SILs and h.) - This was in August 2010 and I believe the trigger that sent my h. over the proverbial edge.
H. became very close to younger SIL (half sister - result of his father's MLC affair) and continued the already close relationship with SIL (my classmate) due to BIL's crisis. SIL (my classmate) still talked to me a lot until BD, but SIL(half sister) was overjoyed to have her estranged big brother paying her attention, so she lapped it up and continued to exclude me as she usually did when he paid her attention.
As my h. entered the crisis and BD approached, I noticed less and less contact from ILs with me, after BD, I have had very little contact - they are distant and seem to have set guard around their brother (my h.). Nobody calls to see how I am and on the very few occasions I have had a chance to talk to SIL (my classmate), she has said that h. is much better ??? and that she does not see him changing in any way, she thinks he is happy and that maybe we were careless to let routine get in the way of our marriage, she says I have the children and soon I will have grandchildren and that life is like that ??? She always says that she loves me, but that I am strong and everything will work out fine ??? She says that I have the privilege of spending more time with the children now and that this is a great thing for me and the children - this last comment makes me mad >:( - she doesn't have children and I feel that she is saying that I should be grateful for the fact I have children, therefore leave her brother alone, maybe I am not capable of having a marriage and children?
Very sore subject.
He never used to talk about his father and now is very interested in his side of the family and all he can find out about him. His mother, who was a constant presence in his life up till she died has disappeared from his conversations and he doesn't want me to mention her at all. If I mention his father (whom I loved), he is even more irritated, but he seems to think I will offend his father ??? so he prohibits any mention of him by me. I think this is confusion with his own actions that so closely resemble his father's.
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nada, nothing, zip- it is as if i never existed to the in-laws. rather amazing and quite painful. like someone else on this thread said, it is confirmation of FOO issues, eh? somehow that confirmation doesn´t take away the sting.
it is somewhat comforting to know that this is a common in-law reaction, but at the same time rather disturbing to see that it is common. maybe this is all like the movie the truman show and everyone is following a script. will we, the lbsers be the ones to break free from the script? really, this site has become a social experiment in real time of great interest. i´m hanging in there sometimes out of scientific curiosity to see if the "wait for the process" theory holds any truth.
hug,
FTT
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FTT This site and the wonderful people on here have gotten me out of the habit of using the word "Waiting"...no no no
We are forging ahead the great beyond with our wonderful power of positive energy. Creating new avenues to pursue OUR
DREAMS. And if my Dufus H notices and changes his current path due to my moving forward and further enhancing myself and the Ds then that will be wonderful. I am just bustin' on ya....I wish the next 10 months would fly by also................. ;D
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TMH - sorry, better late than never....!
My MIL, SIL and her H, and some of my H's sibs have all been supportive of me. In fact MIL, is coming to stay with me soon.
It is a difficult and uncomfortable sitch as obviously H is seeing OW and at some point wanted her to visit his parent's home. SIL quite rightly said NO - waaaay too soon and don't want to get involved with another family (BD: Mar 11). I too, made it clear that should it come to OW visiting and staying in his parent's home I would be sad as I would no longer want to visit the home where my H has slept with another woman after 22 yrs of marriage. That appears to have quitened things down.
The main reason IL's are keeping in touch with me and visa versa is we all want the best for the children. Not just our's but all the cousins, etc. Above all else, it is not their fault and therefore they shouldn't have to suffer. However, integrity also has a say and from my stand point I want to bring up my child to know that sleeping around whilst married is not OK and to some degree we are all singing from the same songsheet on this matter.
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It's hard to believe these people aren't saying to the MLCer" Dude or Dudette, What are you doing? Abandoning your family? "
I hate this whole attitude of "I'll stay neutral." Lucky for me my ILs are horrified and disgusted by him and they show it. He's been playing that poor me violin forever. They like ME ;D
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Mamma Bear - You are so lucky your IL's took your side. My MIL took her son's side, even helped him and OW move
into a new house with my furniture ect.. Shocking :o
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Heartbroken I'm sorry. How horrible. Where is that Karma Bus?
I can't understand that. I have a really big mouth. I am not loud but I'm from Brooklyn originally and proud of it. I have class and dignity but if something's not right I'll be the first one in everyone's face saying "HELLO? He abandoned his family."
My D when BD hit was 8 years old. She even asked "Is what Dad did to us legal?"
That MIL helped your H move is a disgraceful example of Satan walking around free. How can they sleep at night? (((Hugs)))
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My inlaws were horrified, disgusted...not on H's side for much of the year after BD....but....they did meet OW...and are starting to visit OW/H's home. They are still trying to play both sides and I know they don't like it but I think H has pressured them too as it is all part of the justification. Ready had a great quote about it...where he said they want to pull others in so that only the LBS looks like the one who thinks it's wrong....EVERYONE KNOWS ITS WRONG...but people are so horrified deep deep down that they have to make up a story about it....a fantasy...like a bad marriage...or LUHHHUV...or who knows?
As LBSs we need to stand in our own truth regardless of who or what surrounds us. They betrayl goes far beyond the affair as the MLCer will lie and rewrite history. What is your TRUTH? Do you believe it? IT sucks to experience all the levels of betrayl...but there is a guiding light that will never betray and if you focus on that then what other people say and do will be of little importance. We all must learn to walk in our own truth and the betrayl very likely will extend to extended family. There are pathological issues being worked out and most likely they originated in those families of origin. Not to blame anyone...it's just the reality perspective.
I am dealing with the emotions of this now and what I feel strongly is to step back...walk in grace and keep your integrity...don't try to defend yourself or your truth...It is between you and something much greater and things will take care of themselves...Even if you love your in-laws ...we could all use a break from in-laws...so take some time to feel free from those obligations :o
HUGS
BUGS
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For 18 years my IL's acted like and told me they loved me. After BD, in my shock I emailed my MIL and got back a scathing email about how I haven't supported her son for YEARS. I was stunned. Came to find out he had been complaining to her about me for years behind my back. She apparently felt "needed" in some sick way and encouraged this instead of telling him to go talk to his wife. She aided him in his growing bitterness while still pretending to love me until BAM. Now they say they are "sad" for everyone involved, but want their boy to be happy. Who cares about encouraging their boy to have integrity and doing what it takes to save his family. He should be happy. These are also supposedly Christian people.
After several attempts at conversation with my MIL, about 18 months in I finally told her about H's EA. Her response was "I can understand how he enjoyed the attention, but he would never have a REAL affair!!" I told her about the 10 years of porn and her response was "oh yes...men do that." That's when I knew she was a lost cause. Now that the divorce is underway, two of H's cousins have reached out to me through email and have been kind. It is really strange to instantly lose a family you've had for 20 years. I guess I'm no longer an aunt to his sister's kids. Are we supposed to say goodbye somehow? So sad.
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I'm so lucky with my in-laws. Even though I am a foreigner here, they have always accepted me and tolerated my strange English ways.
This has all been confirmed during H's MLC. My FIL was killed 36 years ago. My MIL, who treats me as if I were one of her own daughters, has been full of advice (some of it helpful ;)). My 3 SILs, who treat me as if I were a real sister, have maintained their support, understand his personality, and also given me insight into some of the painful episodes of Hs past that help to explain it all.
One of my greatest friends and a great source of support has been H's cousin, who lives nearby. Whatever time of the day or night I have needed help, she's been there.
I suppose too that the loving nature of this family will also help my H in the end.
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Wanted to add something. Found out last week that my MIL told other family members that D13, D9 & I told her we wished them dead. I have only spoken to my MIL one time and that was last year when I called her and asked that she give the girls a little space b/c they were really upset that their 10 year old cousin told them that H had moved out. My H was actually back in our house at this time and in the same room with me when I spoke to MIL. D's have not spoken to her in almost a year!
All I have to say is that maybe therapy should start at the source of my H's problem.
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rediscover
This strange attitude is what most of us seem to find. Although, sounds like there are a few lucky ones, but I'm not in there either.
(although after being rude to me and hanging up on me a year ago - MIL phoned a few weeks ago to say that she loved the boys and I very much! But no mention of H, no mention of how the boys were coping etc etc etc. For the 23yrs prior to this, I was treated as though I was the best thing that had ever happened in the family????)
I am pretty certain that if my FIL was around still, things would be very different. He wouldn't have allowed that to happen.
Agree completely - we don't have to look too far unfortunately to find the source. I guess this denial and dysfunction will have gone on for generations.
Surely someone has the courage to face this issue and heal it.
I would say my MIL is horrified and embarrassed. Denial and hiding away being her coping mechanisms. Hmmm - now where have I seen that before??
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Both my IL's are very dysfunctional. MIL is a narcissistic phoney who is a serial divorcee on her 3rd marriage and still runs around on her H who is weak and does what ever she wants. FIL is an avoider who abandoned his biological children to adopt 3rd wife's kids. Both encourage H to pursue happiness at all costs even to the detriment of their only GKids.
MIL was always in direct competition with me and quite honestly couldn't wait to get me out of the picture. As now she can have H back all to herself and appears to have embraced OW because she is "beneath her" and feeds her superiority complex and narcissism. Limitless' description of her MIL could be the twin of mine.
H truly has no family outside of our own who loves and cares for him. It is sad to see him still trying desperately to cling to people who do not know how to love. He's the perpetual child wishing to please his parents in order for them to love him yet they continue to reject, abandon and abuse him emotionally. I of course can not do a thing to help him so I love from a distance and keep quite.
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When my MIL found out, she told me "Nothing will change between us. You are still my daughter". That is true, I am going to spend the weekend with her soon, but she is definitely starting to distance a bit. I think this is all so hard for her. She really wanted better for H. FIL is a pain in the arse, and probably is thinking "atta boy", rather than "you jerk".
BIL is supportive. SIL is silent.
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Well my FIL died in 2007 after 3yrs of chemo, this was a big part in my H's MLC. Both my parents died too between 2005 and 2008. So now there is just MIL and my H went to live with her. At BD in Jan 2010, I told her that her son had been having an affair, and she was horrified; ready then to go and slap the OW. Things have changed since then.
Her son moved in with her in Feb 2011 after I discovered affair again (he said it had ended) this time she has sympathy for him, and has even got angry with my two D's because they haven't asked after him when they saw her. When he moved in with her he told her all sorts of stuff which wasn't true, and she believed him. Her relationship with me has changed, and mine with her too. She doesn't come here without being invited and often refuses invitations. I don't call in to see her either, because H is often there.
One of our friends asked my MIL recently, "isn't it kind of strange having your 50 year old son living with you?' Her reply, ... 'its fine, he's no trouble' I think she likes having him there, he does stuff for her and is company for her too. She always did spoil him (he's an only child) and she still does everything for him ( I didn't, I treated him like a grown up!)
So no matter what happens, my relationship with MIL will never be the same, sad for everyone concerned. Even my two D's have changed a bit in their attitude towards her, as they perceive her closeness to her son, whereas she was so close to them before. It can never be the same. I know if his father was alive, he would have had a different reaction to his son abandoning his family, even though his dad was a selfish man, he never did what his son has done.
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Complete and utter support from my MIL.
She lives far away but knew something was wrong with her son through their phone conversations. I never wanted to tell her what was going on but as so many moms do, she "knew" there was something.
One night, she happened to call when he had gone out and I had HAD IT. I blew up on the phone. Oh boy, I did not intend to do that but timing is everything.
A long conversation ensued and she was completely supportive. She isn't the easiest person to talk to but boy, she was great. I have no idea if my FIL knows.
So, now, my MIL asks how things are but just on occasion. She has noticed a big, big change in H's attitude towards her and his father and so, she is happy about that.
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My MIL is a bit like the the OW, he's told her his version of events and she believes and validates him.
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My D also told me something much more upsetting. She said that some of my H's family, in her opinion, were actually "pleased" H & I separated because they saw me as a "bit of a prig" because I don't drink (don't serve alcohol in my home, either) and they felt like I had a "holier than thou" attitude about it. (Need I say that many--about half--of my H's sibs and niece's and nephews are alcoholics. DUI, serious car accidents, falling down alcoholics.)
Isn't it funny how a thing relatively trivial in the grand scheme of things comes to the surface in MLC situations?
My H's family are all drinkers and there isn't one of them I'd want to end up like. I've done all I can to support my H's quitting alcohol but he's turning back toward it, since MLC. I don't think they dislike me per se, but I also do not think they understand me.
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My in-laws are nothing more than ignorant hateful hillbillies who give hillbillies a bad name. My X's greatest fear was turning into her mother. Enjoy your MLC hillbilly.
Sorry that response seems harsh even to me, really was bad weekend of attempted cake-eating and abuse
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Hi TMHP
My inlaws are people who are really only interested in their own lives and didn't get involved with their kids (3 boys). They did not bother with me and my husband very much but at the same time referred to us as a 'match made in heaven'. I always felt I never properley connected with MIL for some reason and could never quite put my finger on why. They aren't bad people and she was never horrible to me, just distant I suppose.
When my husband started to go 'funny', she took it as her cue to become involved. (We were together from being 15). She had retired from work by now and was as if now she had time on her hands, she could therefore involve herself.
On finding out about the ow, her words were to me; 'you had a good innings with him' (as if I ought to be grateful) and 'I'm not suprised he left you'.
For someone who had never taken any interest in our life, suddenly wanted to be involved in our split. It would never occur to her that any depression could be present as depression could never happen to their family as they are too normal :P !!!
Think she may see this as an excuse to reclaim her son. The ironic thing is that my h refers to them as the most selfish people he had ever met but you can bet this isn't his attitude.
It'll be 'always knew she was never right for you blah blah blah' !!!
No doubt my husband is agreeing and that he's had a horrible life etc.
Have to laugh as the situation is so ridiculous otherwise it would eat me away
Love SYBG X
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No contact whatsoever since bd, infact his Mum didn't know he moved out. She called here four weeks after he' moved out asking to speak to him. I had to tell her he know longer lived here and moved to be near his son (and obviously to be with Scary Bird)
TBH they were not a big part of my life, I found his Mum a very strange women; emotionally cold, in my opinion she should never had been a mum, although she had five, her own needs were always put before her children. I felt very uncomfortable in her company.
SKxx
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My ExH mother is unplugged emotionally- denial is her way of dealing with things. Although I don't think she thinks her son is "perfect" she doesn't want to hear anything bad about him.
I had a lot emotionally invested in her. I thought maybe she could be the mother I never had- it didn't turn out that way. My mistake.
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So it's common that Inlaws act like this. I thought I was the only one dealing with their denial....
Only MIL contacts me once in a few months, and always calls on my and kids birthday. And at Xmas time.
Have not heard from oldest SIL's since BD. Never liked her anyway, so that's more a relieve than a miss. I used to be very close with youngest SIL though. SIL is a girlfriend/ex-collegue of my neighbour which is now one of my best girlfriends. How funny is that. The first year SIL didn't contact me and that hurt me very very much, but I tried to understand it. Didn't blame her.
Then at one point I missed her so much that I wrote her a letter and try to explain the whole situation that H. was going through. That I was standing and still loved him etc. Also that I missed her very much but that I understood she had to take a side and that I was not blaming her for it. Never had a response on that letter.
Last year I told my neighbourgirlfriend that I missed SIL so much. She passed that through to SIL. Then SIL asked her to have me call her cause she missed me too. Before I could even call I ran into SIL in a gardeningshop! We sat down and had a coffee and a bit of chitchat. Not one word about H. Afterwards she told neighbourgirlfriend that though she was happy to see me she felt very uncomfortable when we ran into eachother... :'(
Never heard from her since. I also asked neighbourgirlfriend not to give SIL to much information about me and how much I'm still hurt that H. left us.
So that's my story. Hopefully when this journey is all over SIL and myself just continue our friendship where we left it.
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The only in-laws (ex) I have are his twin brother and his wife. My ex's father died many years before we met and his mom died just two years after we married. She has been dead 5 yrs now. There's another brother (older) and a sister (oldest). The twins (my ex) are estranged from the other two siblings. This was already an issue prior to our marriage and quickly dissipated upon their mom's death. As far as I know, my ex only communicates with his twin. They are the youngest and the other two live away. So, the ex brother/sister in laws shut me out completely. It was as if all of this was my fault. I don't know how many times I tried to communicate with them (in the early days). I finally gave up. I didn't do anything to them and none of this was my fault. My brother-in law is a well known public figure and my boss has had a few meetings with him. He was always professional around me but very cold. I saw him and his wife out together one day and I forced them to speak to me. I was very friendly and bubbly. I actually got a hug from both of them. Oh, and this was after the sister-in law took it upon herself to destroy a picture of me and my ex together. I was so hurt and upset when I discovered it. They had used our vacation property and she removed the picture from the frame and tore it up. She had no right. She also took my shoes and shoved them way up under the bed. I told my ex about it and he seemed honestly angry about it. I later found out that he had words with her.
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My experience?
Dropped like a hot rock.
No contact with Zombie's siblings.
Christmas cards from MIL with money for the kids. One face to fact contact recently with MIL that was to say the least unexpected.
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Nothing from MIL since H left no contact with eldest 3 and only seen youngest 2 about 3 times when H has made them go there.
All the kids has Christmas cards,youngest 2 had money in theirs.MIL did not send D23,S21or S6 a birthday card this month(husband would have been on the phone to her straight away if it had happened when he lived here).Quite frankly I think it's disgusting whilst I expect her to side with H the kids have done nothing as far as I'm concerned she does not have the right to call herself a grandma or mother to say she is emotionally cold is putting it mildly.
I guess she is showing her true colours FIL told me before he died that I had taken H away from her(they made his homelife so unbearable he left when he was 18).She hated the fact that H had a better relationship with my family,maybe that was bc they treated him like part of the family,funny that H would go back and live there for 10 months all of a sudden she is the most important person in his world.
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My In-Laws have been wonderful, They are more like parents to me than my H. They r totally supportive of me My FIL wouldn't even talk to my H until recently when My H moved back home.
They told H they would under no circumstances at anytime ever have anything to do with OW ever and neither would any of the family. H said he knew and he was never planning on bringing her around ever.
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This is a very relevant to my current situation. My exH hated his Dad with a passion and in 18 years we were together he hardly saw him unless I instigated it and his Dad and wife visited us twice in the 10 years we loved in London. In the year leading up to BD my exH would send his Dad the most vile and vitiolic letters spewing venom and hatred - his Dad was at a loss to understand what was happening.
At BD (October 2009) I resolved that I wasn't going to one of those bitter ex wives and took my kids to see their grandparents for tea every week - this included me obviously!! I continued going every week and celebrated the family birthdays, Christmas etc until April 2011.
In April 2011 the wedding invites went out for exH and his OW - the wedding party was going to be held in a marquee in the back garden on my In laws. I was completely devastated - such a huge sense of betrayal and I felt so very foolish. They weren't in touch for two weeks after my chidlren had been told of their parents divorce and their Dad's impending marriage. I heard nothing until I got a text saying my son looked lovely in his cricket whites. I broke all contact with his family at that point - it was not nice and was not pretty - FIL visited me at my office and shouted at me and I shouted back!! I told them they were broken, dysfuntional and toxic and couldn't have them in my life anymore as they hadn't treated me with kindness and respect.
I got a huge bouquet of flowers at Christmas - which I acknolwedged with a thank you card - I got a birthday card this year.
Fast forward to a month ago and my FIL ambushed me in my car one morning - he got very upset and broke down crying in the street saying he would have killed himself had he been through what I'd been through in the last 3 years, that his son (my exH) is a liar and he doesn't believe a word he says, that he doesn't like his new daughter in law, that my kids are a credit to me and he literally begged me to go to their house for a meal. I wished him well but said it wasn't appropriate.
The fallout from my exH's affair, the divorce and his remarriage has reverberated through his whole family and they are obviously still in pain and trying to come to terms with everything. ExH's Dad is not a coper by nature and he is clearly struggling. I have started to read Terence Real's book on depression and it is clear his Dad is a poster boy for this condition - he's got no coping strategy at all.
This interaction really stayed with me and I sought advice from the wise LBS posse and decided this was meant to happen for a reason and that I had to trust that the reason would become clear. So, I sent them a card (carefully chosen with a black and white still of Dorothy, Lion, Tin man and Scarecrow on the front) and invited the pair of them for tea and cake next weekend.
I am not sure what my future relationship with them looks like - I am no longer their daughter in law or friend - but I am happy to have a cup of tea and a slice of cake (to quote Wurzul Gummidge) and see what happens.
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Holy Smokes MF. It does shed light on how screwed up the FOO really is. Meditate before you go and just keep breathing deeply while there. They are most likely as mystified as you as to the why of the train wreck. It will give them hope to see that you have healed and are able to find joy in life. Of course, that just intensifies the loss of a wonderful DIL. At this point, karma bus will hit exh, but what does it matter at this point to you?
Hugs,
FTT
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Wowy MF,
You are something aren't you.
This interaction really stayed with me and I sought advice from the wise LBS posse and decided this was meant to happen for a reason and that I had to trust that the reason would become clear. So, I sent them a card (carefully chosen with a black and white still of Dorothy, Lion, Tin man and Scarecrow on the front) and invited the pair of them for tea and cake next weekend.
I think you are so right. This happend for a reason. Good for you to invite the Wizards of Oz. ;) This is a major step and takes a lot of courage. I know you are doing this for the kids primarily. Your children will guide you through this, and if they feel that after this weekend they want to see their grands again they will tell you so. And then you can decide what to do. Just one step at a time remember... ;)
You are so much a better person than they are. You will be strong when meeting them. This really is forgiveness towards them and how they have betrayed you in all its ways. And indeed they will feel the loss of a wonderful DIL, but that's their concern.
Don't let them trigger you. When the conversation doesn't go where you want it to go then just stop, zip up and end it with grace and dignity.
You'll manage I'm sure of that. Remember that the posse is thinking of you and stands behind you.
Huggs, WAU
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Hi everyone,
I know I've posted about my in-laws and sister in-laws being very supportive of me.
I am having a very hard time with something that has happened within the past few weeks.
Through out the ordeal of my wife wanting out of the marriage and initiating divorce, packing up boxes right in front of our kids
and putting them all over the house I was told by my mother in law that I was alway welcome to go over to their house, I was told that I could call anytime and thai I was always going to be their son-in-law.
I have a couple of sister in laws who have had my back and supported me. One of them was extremely helpful and jumped at every chance to
be there for me when when times got hard and I was an emotional wreck.
A couple of weeks ago this threw what little emotional stability I had out the window:
My wife has finally put her foot down on her family for still having any sort of relationship with me.
This really really hurts. My sister in laws and her parents let me know that I was always going to be their son in law/brother in law no matter
what. They ensured me that even if my stbxw didn't like it, I was still going to be in their lives and part of their family.
Well apparently some of them have changed their mind. The sister in law that was the closest to me sent me a text - not even a call to inform me
that while at my wife's townhouse, my wife started crying and didn't understand why everyone was behind "me" and no one seemed to be worrying about her.
She told me that she felt bad about hurting her sister - total 180 from what they were telling me -
As far as my MIL and FIL, I don't know what their thoughts are now - I just think they are stuck between a rock and a hard place and I feel funny about
calling them. I remember my MIL one time said "I don't know what to tell you." I had a very long talk with my FIL and he seemed just as upset at the situation
as I did. He said "maybe she just needs time." I don't really call them that much because I don't want them to ever think "Oh, it's speed again" and loose the support and comfort
I had always gotten from them.
I'm devastated in the sense that my SIL told me so often that "no matter what, your still our brother in law / son in law"
It is a kick in the heart....
I am speechless again...
Speed
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Speed Racer, I'm sorry you are going through this. One of the most condusing things to me -- and my family -- is how MLCer's family has responded.
It is not easy, but if I were you I would attempt not to engage emotionally with the family. Be courteous and polite, but otherwise give them distance. Keep the focus on the kids and don't bring up your wife; if they bring her up try to do more listening than talking. From what I have read, eventually the MLCer will often begin to lash out at their family as well, and the farther you are from that the better.
I asked my own parents if I had suddenly left my husband for another man what they would say, wouldn't they be checking in on my husband all the time and questioning what I was doing. I was really shocked when they told me that if I were telling them things like how awful my husband "really" was -- they would likely believe me.
So there you go, from two people who like me have been left stunned and hurt by outrageous MLC behavior.
I know this is very painful. It feels like betrayal on all sides. I would take comfort though that until your wife intervened the family did show you a lot of support.
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Speed - I maintain a very close relationship with my SIL but even she has done things in this MLC that have hurt me. I think they are stuck between a rock and a hard place. They love you but love her too. One of the things that has helped with my relationship with the in laws is I never bring up H abs what's going on that way they don't feel like that they have to choose between me and him. I don't think your SIL has done a 180 she just doesn't want it to seem like she's choosing you over her sister. Give her a bit of space but also let her know that you certainly would never ask her to make that type of choice and you simply want to maintain your connection to them.
It's really amazing how many people get caught up in and hurt during all this MLC mess.
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I try not to take it personally. I told my MIL from the start she needed to support her son. Let's face it in the end he is going to need it more than me.
It hurt like hell that they invited OW and her children to their house for a weekend. But they are worried about xH and their grandchildren and this was he only way to get him to visit. I figure the closer they are to the MLCer, the more they can see the crazy we see.
As for your W crying the blues about it, that's script. Poor me, pay attention to me, I'm suffering, it's all about me. My xH did that too.
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What you are experiencing is common. I agree with others that you should not look to them for emotional support or validation. They cannot control your W any more than you can. It may get worse with them before it gets better (mine eventually joined his "team" during our divorce and claimed false things for his benefit, befriended OW, etc). Focus on you.
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Part of the lbs journey to being a better man (or woman) is suffering and OVERCOMING repeated blows. You will get through this Speed. My inlaws did the same and a year later I am close with all of them again. None of them have a relationship with my x anymore. I know my sitch is not the norm, but it does happen. Keep working on yourself and you will attract the right people into your life.
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Speed,
In-laws are not someone that you should depend on...or necessarily trust. I think they mean well for a while but they no more understand your wife than you do...and eventually they all seem to cave out of fear of losing their child and access to grandkids. I know mine was trying to be helpful...but he got run over like an orange cone at drivers ed before long...he was no match for her when she was spinning. So be careful what you share with them...because the odds are it will get back to her and will get twisted into something it was not meant to be. One of the folks i used to talk with regularly had a great relationship with his in-laws for a long time after BD...than one day they were in court telling the judge how depressed and unstable he was and that he was a danger to his children. Blood is always thicker...
Stay Strong Speed. Focus on some things that have nothing to do with your wife or your marriage.
BB
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Speed, I have merged your thread regarding in-laws with our existing one. You can find here the experiences of several board members with in-laws.
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I counted 42 people that were directly impacted by my husbands affair and abandonment . That is the number of people on my side of the family . The ripple affect is beyond words.
My husband has no mother and his father lives in Florida, so I have no contact whatsoever with him. He called to talk with my husband about 3 weeks after he had moved out . He had no idea and was upset , very emotional ( he is an extreme drunk) and told me repeatedly that he needed to know " where my son is ?". I did not know where his son was . He told me I was his "favorite " daughter-in-law and he simply could not accept what had happened . Never heard from him again until husband returned .
My husband has 4 brothers ... all divorced . So, I no longer have close relationships from any former sister in laws . But I was amazingly lucky to have 2 of his brothers come faithfully and did my husbands"work". They cut grass, blew out leaves , changed the oil, put up storm windows etc... they sat and let me sob all over them. They simply said "he has lost his mind / job burnout etc". They did see my husband but very very rarely and he refused to talk to them about anything personal period . I was very fortunate indeed to have these to guys step up and help me .
Now the crazy part . My husband was married before for a very short 4 years . His wife had an affair , got pregnant and left him (imagine?) . I got along very well with her over the years as there were 2 children to share . No issues what so ever. We jointly helped the girls with all kinds of things over the years and had a friendly relationship. I can even say I liked her regardless of her crazy lifestyle and choices. Her parents were also divorced . Her father re-married a women with 3 children many many years ago. So, she has 3 step-siblings. ( only Jerry Springer can follow this mess ). My husbands crazy OW was his ex-wifes step sister. Sickening. She has been in our "extended family " for over 40 years and was referred to as aunt by my girls. To this day, I feel deeply betrayed by all members of that side of the "family". I do not know who "knew" or did not know , but I strongly suspect . The OW's mother and I had a solid friendship as she was active with the girls when they were small. She absolutely knew that her daughter was involved in an affair with my husband .. absolutely. She spoke to me during that time when she "knew " and I did not. So did the OW. They asked questions of my girls about their dad and myself .. it really is unspeakable to me. Her mother protected her and cared more about "who" she was a very little about "what " she was . Just a massive break in that side of the crazy family as my girls ( all 5) have said " to us, they are dead " and will NEVER again have anything to do with any of them. So, Christmas, events, celebrations for "those" people has decreased by 5 very lovely young women , their spouses and grandchildren. Recently my middle daughter was asked if "she prayed about forgiveness for her aunt?". She replied .. " when I pray to forgive, I pray to forgive my father... she is not even on my short list, because she is dead ". It has had tragic follow out for so many people . A stranger would have saved a lot of suffering , but I truly truly believe , he never would have approached a stranger . He is very naïve and lacks confidence with women. SHE aggressively made it very clear and very easy indeed . This family will never be the same for all time.
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My inlaws said I'd always be family blah blah blah .. Now I just don't exist !!
Blood is definately thicker than water... X
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Attaching! This is a real big issue for me. My H blamed my R with my MIL for all the issues in our M. Her and I had been very close until I heard her talked about my youngest daughter from my first M. Things a GM should never say if she truly loved her like she claimed. Over the past several years she repeatedly step over boundaries. Very interfering. Very needy. Always saying how important I was to her and the family. So you guessed it since the BD not so much. She has enabled my H forever and still is. She's always preaching the Bible at me but did she encourage her son to honor his vows. No!!! I haven't heard from them in two months!!!
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My in-laws don't know that she moved out. Since they all live out-of-state, it's easy for her to keep them in the dark. My MIL calls me on my birthday, and I still get included in family conversations and invitations. We attended a couple of family weddings together early on, but she has gone to see them by herself as well.
I think quite often about whether I should spill the beans. One reason I don't is that I expect something similar will happen: they may be upset at her lies—well, our lies, really—but ultimately, I'm not family the way she is. Also, she speaks to her family way more than I do, so she gets to bear the pressure of keeping that deception up.
If we reconcile, or if they find out that we've been separated, I will make my apologies and explanations then.
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Yes all my in laws turned their backs... I never would have believed it, but they did. What I would like to tell you is about the other side. Long time posters know that my sister is a MLCer/OW. Short version... While married she hooked up with her married (30+ years) college sweetheart from 30+ years ago. He married his wife while dating my sister in the 80's. They started "talking" again about ten years ago. They are currently living together with her 2 teenagers.
I loved my now exBIL even more than I love my own brothers. Still do, AND now I find myself in his shoes ( their BD was about 10 years ago, sister tried to hide it for about 5 years)
So what do I do?
Deal with sister while I'm seething inside. I don't want to lose my nieces AND I would break my mothers heart if I turned my back on sister. So I deal.
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Both my parents and my FIL and MIL passed before my H's crisis hit. So I can only imagine how they would have reacted to all this.
My H was very close to my dad and he looked up to him as a moral example of a father (his was a drunk) and a man.
I'm not sure how this would have gone down with my dad.
The ONE person who had the biggest influence on his life was his mother. She was a strong, no nonsense type of woman who I believe would have reemed him a new one if he ever talked about walking out on his W. She always was the tough love type and he listened to her. I could hear her now.."You're what? Oh no, this is your W, you're going to work on this. They'll be no running away."
I know this sounds crazy but I truly believe she could have had influence on him during his crisis. I doubt very much she would have taken his side or stopped communicating with me.
Having said that, I'm glad none of them had to see him destroy our marriage. He was so very well loved.
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My In-Laws just pretended that nothing was wrong and wrote me off like a bad check! 14 years of marriage and family and a grandson and in the blink of an eye, I was a non-entity in their world and didn't exist. Pictures of me were taken off the walls and I became "she who shall not be named". ::)
No one contacted me to see if I was ok or to get my side of the story. It was surreal. >:(
When H and I started to reconcile, all of a sudden I was "the beloved daughter-in-law" again. :o
These people have no concept of reality. Its all a pretense that "all is well" and nothing is wrong in their world. I would love to have a cleansing of the elephant in the room so I don't feel like standing on the dinner table and screaming at them and airing everything out, but I know that will never happen, so in the meantime I just :-X
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I have good relationships still with most of my ILs. FIL died before BD - a catalyst, I think - and I'm not sure how he would have responded.
MIL was another story. 2nd W for her S, and she was just Oh well, he's a (insert religious affiliation here - which H hasn't claimed the entire time I've known him) so that alone makes him a good man. (A good man who's walked out on 2 wives and his only child, mind you.
One influential BIL & SIL were not helpful, though I think they thought they were. I am still uncertain how to address that relationship, if I ever do.
Others of his family have maintained good relationships with me, and showed a lot of care and concern in the early days.
My parents are very disappointed in him, and the hurt he has caused me. But all they say is that "he is not the man they thought he was."
It's just sad for everyone, I think. And no one knows what to do. They recognize it as baffling, too.
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Talking about how MLCer is with in laws reminds me that xH has frequently used that as an excuse to stay in the tunnel. He was very close to my dad and in the past has stated that he could never come back because he wouldn't be able to face my dad.
He has told me about nightmares he had regarding my dad's reaction to him. My father has seen him only once since BD and didn't speak to him at all.
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FIL died before BD.....the beginning of MLC and BIL has never had a relationship with his niece or nephews.
MIL..... now she's something else......no contact at all with me in 51/2 years she made it very clear she didn't want to hear from me but has since told xH she's very cross with me for not contacting her ....there was me thinking it was me that needed support ::) she would never accept that xH is having a MLC.
No contact with 3 eldest children either.
2 youngest son did see her a couple of times after BD but nothing for about 4 years.
She never congratulated S26 on the birth of his S this year but over the last few weeks xH has been criticizing S for not taking grandson to meet her or even sending her a picture of him. He did also say to D at the weekend "you haven't seen Grandma for a while have you.....you should meet her for coffee" :o I think that's because xH is not living with his M anymore she has no friends and no family and xBIL doesn't bother with her much. If our children wanted a relationship with their Grandmother it would ease the pressure on xH and give him more time with OW as I think he feels he owes his M for letting him live with her all this time.
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Mixed, I think. My FIL passed away about 5 years before BD, indeed, there were people who wondered if he never dealt with his father's death properly.
At BD and for years afterwards my SIL (H only has one sister) said that I was family, that I mattered, that I was important, all that. For the first few years they were exasperated with him, she would moan to me about how he wasn't doing what she needed (MIL had alzheimers), etc.
It slowly eroded, however. At first when they came to town they would stay with us, then they started staying with H. All probably around the time of OW5. That was the first one he took to meet them.
As a side, they thought she was just number two, they had no idea about any others. I think he edits what he tells them as well.
Since then it's not been great; while MIL was alive I continued to go see them, to take the children there (MIL was in a home near where they live), I had the privilege of sitting with MIL for a couple of days before she died. Needless to say, H didn't. As a matter of fact, right before the end H called me saying that his sister was a mess, that he couldn't really deal with her... so I did.
SIL and I had words earlier that year, as I didn't go to a big birthday party she had, where she had invited OW5. I told her it was a step too far, that she had no idea how much my children were hurting, etc. (It would have meant taking the children out of school, an expensive flight, all that). It was then that H started divorce proceedings. (H didn't ask to take the children himself, I should note)
But SIL was still cordial to me, I think she needed me for support as MIL was dying, which H wasn't providing.
The children and I attended the funeral, OW5 didn't.
Since then we have been cordial, but she hasn't called me -- I call her once or twice a year.
They have also accepted OW6, SIL's H once got angry at me and said "just move on"; I've explained that I have "moved on", but that I'm not a martyr, all that.
Interestingly, the children and I are going to stay with them this weekend, as we have an event to attend in this town.
We have had some discussions, those never end well. In general her stance is "he's my brother, he's all I have left, I will do whatever he wants". I did call her out on it once, saying "you say I'm so important, but you don't walk the walk" (in a more polite way, of course), and she just got angry and said that my kids were treating H badly.
I've chosen to remain cordial; I don't regret saying the truth, but it never goes anywhere.
It's partly a "blood is thicker" thing, partly that she is one of those people who just doesn't like to talk about difficult things of any kind. I didn't understand that for a long time; she has said that she wanted to be there for me, as I was for her when her first H left many years ago.
But now that H is behaving like her first H it seems OK with her. I've called her out on this as well, but of course that doesn't do anything. I'm not sure what her definition of "being there" is, but it's not the same as mine.
While MIL was still mentally here she was furious at H; had his father been alive I'm pretty sure he would have given him a piece of his mind.
SIL said that she had "said her piece", but she also took H's statement that he had been miserable for most of our marriage at face value. Her H saw more clearly at first, but he now just wants a calm life, and they can have a nice holiday where H lives so that's enough for them.
But H's cousin and wife have been my strongest support throughout, and they continue to be. That's the only other family H has in this country, others are distant cousins scattered around the world who really don't have any close connection.
So I continue to be cordial, respecting SIL's request that I not talk about her brother, but if it comes up I will say my truth.
The kids have been upset with their cousins, who happily spend time with whatever OW is around, I've explained that it's completely different for them, it's not their father, it's just an uncle who does "cool" things.
I once had to ask nephew not to show my S pictures of them all going out with OW, explaining in one sentence that my S wanted his father, he couldn't have him, and asking nephew to think what it would be like if it was HIS father. Nephew, to his credit, never did anything like that again.
My kids would like their cousins to understand, but that may not happen. Perhaps when all are much older....
Whew -- long winded. This must be weighing on my mind!
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Me again.
I think my SIL is just one of those people who wants things to be "nice". Her response to me when I said that it was a step too far to expect me to go to a family event where H would be bringing OW was "you don't have to talk to her".
Unfortunately she also has that avoidant side to here, like H; in her case her H deals with the less pleasant things in life for her. I remember how upset she was that he wouldn't deal with her first H about something to do with her eldest S, she even said "why do I have to deal with this?". Her H said that he couldn't, I remember saying that "You are eldest S's mother". That was years ago....
H, of course, also used to despair of that. Indeed, while MIL was still alive he'd still call me as she'd get too upset.
I could be cynical and think that while I was useful, i.e. while I could deal with unpleasantness so she didn't have to, it was OK, but that since then she hasn't bothered.
I have hope that someday even they will see that H just jumps from thing to thing, that even they will roll their eyes.
SIL did say a few years ago that she thought H would be like their father, but that he wasn't, and also that he thought that love was the infatuation bit, not the real thing. But as he's all she has, so she says, she'll take it rather than risk losing him. She hates any confrontation.
I think they get a very edited version of his life and they don't choose to look any further.
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I've had a great experience with my MIL.
Although she was somewhat bossy, interfering and could be manipulative, our best interests were always close to her heart. She's an incredibly generous person, and has fantastic relationships with all her 9 grandchildren, even though they are mostly far Away.
I'm the foreigner here, an English woman living in Portugal. Although I live in the north, and MIL and 3 SILs live in the south, she's always been very supportive, even when I couldn't speak Portuguese (and she knows no English). She told me I was another daughter.
Even before BD, when H was being impossible, when she was around, she'd say "I know he's my son, but he's wrong".
After BD, I spoke to her a lot by phone, although I tried not to upset her. She was totally on my side, and said that OW would never be welcome in her house. She was so mad at him, that they could hardly talk for a long time. Eventually, when OW disappeared, even though H was still being distant, she thought I should just ignore his behaviour and get on with my life.
My FIL was brutally killed many years before, but he sounded like a wonderful man.
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Mine have been great. They still want me to come visit just as much as I always have. My MIL makes it fairly obvious to him that she doesn't support his decisions, but doesn't say much, and doesn't tell him what he should and shouldn't be doing.
They all tell me that he seems a bit out of his mind right now, and that hopefully it will blow over and he'll come to his senses (especially when his new antidepressants fully kick in) I'm not so sure of that, but they seem to be. MIL joked that she should lock him up in a padded room for a while. ;D When he told his sister about the very young girl he had an affair with, she just laughed in his face.
They are definitely siding with me at the moment, but are trying to keep the peace by saying as little to him as possible about the situation. I feel lucky to have such wonderful and close in-laws. I'm actually closer to them than my own family!
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I dont think the ExMIL will ever see there's anything wrong with the ex.
Her little baby boy is perfect.