Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: SpecialK on June 16, 2010, 11:53:08 PM
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Is there anyone out there, who going through this situation, finally get back together? If so how long did it take? Are you stronger? How do you know if it's MLC? Do they\can they love you again? Am I kidding mself or simily clutching at straws?
So many questions....
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I was afraid this question was going to come up soon.
RCR and HB both have had their H's come back.
I know there's a feeling of hopelessness out there right now.
First things first, this is a brand new board, so on this board, you are not going to see the success stories you may elsewhere.
Secondly, it is my humble opinion that several things need to come about for this to work... one being that you need time, the second is that you need to heal yourself - you need to grow, forgive, and become loving and compassionate, and the third is that your H (or W) needs to grow and come through the tunnel.
If none of those things happen, your chances are smaller. If those things happen, your chances are larger.
There are no statistics and there shouldn't be. Some people will throw stats around, but they honestly mean nothing. Seriously, they're not scientific, they weren't extrapolated in a lab, they don't have the same variables, and thus they mean absolutely nothing.
Hope comes from within you. If you are feeling hopeless, that feeling also comes from within you.
Do the work, become the person you want to become, do the mirror work, as they say... and pray. Pray for growth, pray for peace, pray for hope, pray for a closer relationship with the Lord. He will do the rest.
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Hi there. I too am new to this site my H left in November. I constantly searched the web for answers but having found this site I realise that this is likely to be a very long process. In terms of some of the members here my MLCer is still in the early stages.
I realise now that there is no quick fix and it will take as long as it will take. Some days I feel strong and a little hopeful that we may survive this mess, even though he has been gone for almost 8months and has OW. Other days I struggle to cope with daily life. One thing I have found is that there is always some help and advice here to give me back a little hope and make me feel I can carry on another day. Up to now it hasn't got much easier, but things are a little more bearable when I can relay my thoughts and fears onto this site, knowing someone will pick up on this and give me strength to carry on standing.
Good Luck.
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Thank you. My ex (I'll now refer to him as the Landlord as it's house) When he came in last night, he was very withdrawn, didn't really want to talk and spent most of the evening in front of the TV or playing with the apps on his Iphone. He look tired. I remain as upbeat as I could, no questions, just let him get on with it. I know he has falled out of love with me, but I don't feel his mood change is anything to do with me. I do wonder though if he feels trapped.
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Let's all make the promise that this will be the year of successes!
Pray (if you are a believer) and grow closer to the Lord
Set attainable, measurable goals
Take promises to ourselves to grow
Learn daily (not necessarily about MLC)
Become better people inside and out
Learn about forgiveness and give it up before it grows a root of bitterness
Post on your threads - let's see those goals!
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Regarding people getting back together, I do know a number, both IRL and online, who have done so. In all cases it took TIME. 3 years was about the least. One friend of mine rode this rollercoaster for 5 years; 2 of which her H lived with OW. After he left her it still took 2 more years for him to come home. That was now long ago; her ordeal started something like 10 years ago, before internet forums. She called herself a Stander at the time.
Faith.
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Hello Friends, I am new to this site too, but not to this rollercoaster. Two and half years for me and I have read so many
situations (all very similar to my own) and do wonder where and when it ends....It is comforting to know you are not alone on
this long, and seemingly relentless journey. H and I have not communicated for some months now and I have to admit it is more
peaceful than dealing with continuing let downs..I agree with MarkedandHealed it is such hard work. Shinealight
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Special K
I too know of success stories both on the boards and IRL.
I consider myself a success story, whether my marriage comes back together or not.
I WILL be ok no matter what happens, this is the one thing I do know.
I am the only person that I can control!
Am I stronger, YES with out a doubt.
Yes your MLC'er can love you again, mine is still a work in progress.
Time - is the one variable that none of us know, it takes as long as it takes.
As far as your question about yourself. - Only you can answer that question. What do YOU want.
Decide that and then you work your way towards that goal.
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Thank you OP, you made me feel better (& well up). Ultimately I would like us to get back on track as a couple, but equally I feel I have to get back to being the real me again first. Starting believing in myself, put this situation aside as best I can and move forward.
OP can you give me some advise on Detachment?
Thank you.
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OP can you give me some advise on Detachment?
Have you read the links in the resources above on detachment?
Also google livestrong, detachment. Start with those things. It is a process, it does not come easily. You must take small steps. I found that keeping myself busy helped. Sometimes it is just living day to day, hour by hour. I am and have been in the same house with my wife the whole time, so sometimes if we are in the same room I just go to a different room.
Keep asking questions and I or someone else will answer.
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This is a question we'd all like to know the answer to. The book by Laura Munson had a happy ending after quite a short time. (see http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=120.0).
I also have hope, but too much hope can be negative. We can't live for a future that might not happen. This is the hardest thing. We have to live for ourselves, in the present time.
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Does anyone get back together? I have been asking myself this question since April. By being consistent and loving, can I create a strong enough atmosphere for my wife to heal on her own? One thing this forum has helped me realize is that their are no quick fixes or mind games that are going to snap my wife out of this. It will be a long journey for both of us. I no longer fixate on her issues. Instead, I fixate on my issues. I have to be strong and able to support my family. I have to place my faith in the Lord and know in that faith that he has a plan for the both of us. Do I believe we will get back together? The truth? I would not be typing these words, reading your stories, reflecting and building myself, ignoring the advice of my friends to dump her and move on, to accept the pain, the ignored words and unreturned love, the emotional affair, her lack of communication with the girls, and the list goes on and on. If I did not believe that I could save the marriage, I would be on a forum discussing divorce. Instead, I believe in our future! I am the only one in my marriage that believes in our future. In fact, I believe that when we get back together, we will be even stronger than ever. It is because my vows state for better or worse, because I believe in the strength of my love that I will save my family. Not only will she be a better person, I will be a better husband and father. This site is filed with pain, but interlaced in those words is hope. We are here because we believe. Not only do I believe in myself, I believe in each and everyone that contributes to this site. I know in a few years we will be reading about our success. Keep writing and reading and may we all find the inner peace and happiness that represents true love.
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Forgive me, but I'm calling you Fix from now on... too long.
Beautiful post. That's what is going to get us through, hope, and love.
Keep your eyes on the Lord and your heart soft and open.
Rely on the Lord to protect your heart from breaking, leaving you open, gentle, caring, compassionate, kind.
Putting up walls and protecting yourself will lead to scarring and then you will not feel the emotions as closely and realistically.
Instead, trust in the Lord and He will keep us safe while we grow and learn and STAND.
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Is there anyone out there, who going through this situation, finally get back together? If so how long did it take?
The answer to your first two questions is yes, my marriage came through this, whole, but changed for the better; my husband was in his crisis for three years, and we came through with the help of the Lord, who brought us both through; him through his, me through mine;(mine took 6 years) as his triggered mine.
Are you stronger?
Yes, I AM stronger than I was BEFORE his crisis, the changes I went through as a result, made me a stronger person..there were NO guarantees that my marriage would come through, but even if it hadn't, I STILL would have been successful, because I GREW and MATURED through the events that happened.
How do you know if it's MLC?
MLC generally hits between the ages of 35 and 55, sometimes just a little earlier, and sometimes a little later. They invariably question themselves, and if you read the stages I wrote that are stickied above, you will know if your husband is going through MLC; it usually starts with the bomb drop of ILYBNILWY; they are usually deep within Replay at that time. Before then, their behavior becomes strange, and you find you're fighting more than usual, nothing you do is right within your spouse's eyes...that is the short of it; there's more in the stages as you read.
Do they\can they love you again?
Yes, it can happen, but again, there are NO guarantees of this. While they are in the tunnel their feelings are "buried" for lack of a better word, and they are in some very intense emotional pain. You'll need to "detach" from their drama, and create some emotional distance or what they do will destroy the love you have for them. As mentioned, there are six stages of the crisis; the first 3 are the preparatory stages, the last 3 are the finishing stages...they must navigate through the first three, in order to navigate the final 3...in the final three is where the feelings for the LBS return, but they don't all return at once....just as they gradually went in, they will gradually come out, and it takes a LONG time for them to come out. An average crisis can last from 2 to 7 years to navigate totally through, IF they complete it.
Again, there are NO guarantees in this, and you must work on yourself, as you have a journey to complete where you need to uncover the mirror and do major work on yourself, in that process growing through this crisis; as OP always says, your MLC spouse has given you a gift and it is TIME.
As each person is different, each crisis is different, and the issues each person will face can dictate how long they stay within the tunnel; there may be similarities in each situation, BUT, no situation is EVER the same, nor will it be.....it is tailored to each individual that's going through.
Am I kidding mself or simily clutching at straws?
I do not know, I cannot answer that question for you...that is for you to answer, as you must decide whether you will stand or not. No one can tell you what will happen in the future; change goes on all the time; and there is a possiblity your MLC spouse might not come out, but that is true of anyone.
I know when I decided to stand, I didn't have a clue what would happen in the beginning; I could only go forward with my feelings; I WANTED my marriage to continue, BUT I still saw the possibility that it might not; regardless, I STILL had to take the journey toward wholeness and healing; this was necessary, and it is necessary for ALL people to take, as none of us are perfect, and we all have our faults and failures to face within ourselves.
My advice would be to go into this with an attitude of learning about yourself, learn all you can about MLC, as knowledge is power.
Your understanding will increase and grow as your mind stays open to the possibilities of what can happen.
For now, your MLC spouse has control of the situation, regardless of anything you might want..sounds disheartening and negative, but nevertheless it is the truth.
Take your journey, you can do nothing for your MLC spouse right now, and time is on your side.
No one can make your decision for you, you must make this on your own.
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Morning all - it's still morning here.
Thank you for all your help and support, I do feel better about things. However my mind goes off in different tangets. A thought has just come into my mind, my ex is still quite affectionate to me (in a non sexual way) - hugs, kisses me, looks and winks at me. I'm now thinking could it be his way of making things easier for me. He has always been affection towards me, and one of things he has said to be time after time is that I never cuddle him. On reflection that's very true.
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I have spent several chat sessions talking with a former MLC'er on www.midlife.com He is so open about his experience and it truly gives you insight into the mind of MLC.
He is very candid and basically says that nothing really mattered when he was in the worst of it. His MLC lasted 3 years, with the really bad piece being about 18 months.
He is now fully reconnected with his wife and has a wonderful relationship. He says no one could have told him how it would have worked out back then.
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Yes, people do get back together. As the spouse, or even ex-spouse, you have more "power" than you might think. Nearly all MLCers get through their journey according to nearly every resource available, including the Conway's resources. However, not every spouse is emotionally healthy enough to want to get back together. This is why detaching is SO important. Detaching will increase both your patience and your forgiveness levels....and you will need both.
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I have just met a couple of old friends who used to be church pastors. They had lots of stories about MLC, and many of them were success stories, especially if there was understanding and forgiveness on the part of the LBS and communication on both parts.
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Mermaid,
Those success stories are always good to hear. I think that we are so used to reading the worst of the stories. Probably because we are all in so much pain when we find these resources/forums etc. and because when a relationship is in reconciliation there is little reason to go back to the forums and open the wounds. I am always so thankful for those who do come back.
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I PROMISE you, Still, and everyone here on the forum, that if my M makes it through H's MLC, I will come back and tell you my success story.
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I PROMISE you, Still, and everyone here on the forum, that if my M makes it through H's MLC, I will come back and tell you my success story.
Mermaid that is great!
You can then pay it forward to others.
Because I believe by then the names will have changed.
You can(and you already do) pay forward the knowledge you already have, to those that come here in search of answers.
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Mermaid,
I look forward to the day we are all comparing stories of how our marriages made it through the hurricane called MLC.
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Thanks OP, Still, and I look forward to your stories too!
We will survive! :D
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I look forward to that day as well! I am dying to see the success stories on this board. :)
I promise to post also, although I have 18 months left. (LOL - kind of joking - it's a dream I've had where it lasted 2 years and I'm already 4 months in... it would be nice if we had a date, no?)
Anyway, that's my pledge.
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I can't wait to be able to say how we survived!
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Although I'm only a few weeks into the bomb drop, I too have gained some much from this forum. I pray that one day I can be one of the success stories.
I promise to post also, although I have 18 months left. (LOL - kind of joking - it's a dream I've had where it lasted 2 years and I'm already 4 months in... it would be nice if we had a date, no?)
Anyway, that's my pledge.
It would be very nice to have a date! Following HB's advice in the resources area I kind of looked back recently as to when this all began. I keep trying to convince myself I'm three or so years into the full MLC cycle and about a year into replay based upon when the affair started. Who knows though? I'll get through this and come out stronger :)
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Stillhere
Do not use HB's timeline. That was a guide only and even she admits that it should not be used for that purpose.
Most timelines start from the begining of replay or bombdrop. So you would be 1 year in based on BD.
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Just remember not to measure your success by the "ring on the finger".
If each one of you walks your journey through completely to wholeness and healing; you are a success regardless if your marriage makes it through or not.
Even if you have an inkling of what might happen in the end; the journey must STILL be walked through completely.
Being married is NOT a means to an end.
I had to face the possibility of my marriage NOT making it through long before the outcome ever played out; yet, I STILL walked my journey through.
And even as my husband worked his way forward, my own journey didn't stop, and it didn't need to. Change is demanded when MLC strikes, and if the marriage/life was as good as you thought it was before the crisis; the crisis would have been just a "blip" on the screen for your spouses.
As it is, you'll find during your journey, if you're totally honest with yourself, your marriage wasn't that great to begin with...you had your part, your husband had his..and you'll be able to see this in the light of reality and honesty.
Each spouse has that same decision within their hands to make about the marriage; but the MLC spouse, honestly, holds all the cards..and therefore has all the control, over whether the marriage will come through or not.
That is why the Control lessons I wrote in the sermon's thread were so important. It was part of letting go, and letting God; and holding onto hope for the marriage.
You may do everything you're supposed to do, yet, the MLC spouse may STILL decide to go a totally different direction, and that is THEIR choice; and you need to respect it, if that happens.
There were several times when I thought things were going to go the opposite direction, but God intervened each time...yet, all the while, reminding me that I had NO control over whether my husband would want the marriage back.
I preach having faith, hope, love; that leads to acceptance, forgiveness, and healing..and these are part of the path ALL must walk toward INDIVIDUAL wholeness and healing.
Belief in the Lord is important, in my view; as all things are possible if you believe.
I had to face every possibility there was so I would be ready to accept whatever came out of this; and still be ok, and successful in the end.
I also think every person has to face things that they don't want to face; accepting each one as they are able...but always hoping for the marriage to come back together. It was a never-ending theme while I dealt with my husband's MLC.
God does NOT tamper with free will, but He will move within the MLC'er's heart, if you will, but ask Him to...as what is in the heart, the mind will follow; I have found this to be true throughout my life.
I'm being as honest as I know how to be. There are many things you will face during your journeys that I have never faced; but they are ALL important to each and every one of you.
May God help you all to work through the realities of yourself, your husbands, your marriage, and your life...helping you to see clearly what all had been, and help you to change yourselves into better people than you were before the crisis came about.
I've been there; and although it was very painful; it was the BEST journey I ever took in my life; as it led to my Acceptance, Forgiveness, and Healing of everything I'd endured throughout my life.
Most of all, God was there with me, helped me; counseled me; and held me when I grieved everything out at His feet.
And He will do these same things for you.
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Just remember not to measure your success by the "ring on the finger".
If each one of you walks your journey through completely to wholeness and healing; you are a success regardless if your marriage makes it through or not.
These are very wise words, HB. I'm discovering a lot about myself, my marriage, and my life as I make my journey. I know I am growing in maturity and wisdom, but have some way to go. Those who have faith in God have a gift; those of us who don't have it have to dig deeper for faith in ourselves.
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I appreciate every situation is different, but has anyone got back together, broke up and got back together again?
SKx
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I appreciate every situation is different, but has anyone got back together, broke up and got back together again?
SKx
RCR - 8 times.
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MY H has left and returned so far 4 times. Each time we had 6 weeks of hysterical bonding, him treating me like a queen, then he fell back into the fog and started up contact with ow. He is now living alone in what he calls his cave....and for the time being is NC with ow but still doesn't want to come home.
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I appreciate every situation is different, but has anyone got back together, broke up and got back together again
That depends on what you mean by the question.
If you mean has anyone expereinced multiple returns, then OP is correct--Sweetheart came and left 8 times.
But if you mean did we break-up, then I would not classify us in that situation.
There are valid and true break-ups where one party is not in agreement. But what I mean is that Sweetheart did not leave intending to stay gone. On all but the first leave he intended to be home again. He often left saying he might be back once the weekend was over!
I don't count the first as a break-up either because I had already had my Knowing that we would be together and because I was a Stander by then.
But there are some situations where a couple has mutually separated or even divorced and got back together later. Or where the separation or divorce was not mutual but was accepted by both parties and both may have gone on to date during the separation/divorce period. I would consider those to be break-ups--at least the ones where they separation had the intention of being permanent.
Multiple moves home and out again--or attempts--are not uncommon to MLC.
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Rollercoaster,
What if they left and there is no contact except when H talks to daughter he asks how is your mom doing once in awhile. In the beginning I wrote him a couple of letters and sent a card but he never has contacted me, He only told my daughter to tell your mom thanks for the letters and card. That really hurts.
I want some sort of contact and it is driving me crazy that he hates me so much that he will not contact me. What Have I done to deserve his???????????????????????????????
I am crying right now because I am so hurt and dont understand why he has done this to m and his family. He deserves to hurt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I want him home so bad.
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Let the tears flow..in spite of the pain, they are healing and washing away the emptiness and pain that we feel.
You have not done anything to deserve this. Read HB's post today on Let Go, Let God..it explains so well why they have to go ALONE on this journey.
Unfortunately he can't come home that easily..he has to do the work that he needs to do to find himself. Some will and return, others will just keep running I think..but eventually they all have to do something to stop their pain.
For whatever reason, we are a source of their pain even though we did not necessarily do anything to cause the pain. It's almost "mysterious" because there are many, many "reasons" that they are where they are...developmental, biochemical, unresolved issues relating from childhood, pressures and stressors and perhaps an ambiguity that has existed all along about whether they ever wanted to be husbands and fathers.
Perhaps, for the first time in their lives, they are being true to their inner selves and their inner needs. The anguish that we feel is because we became so much a part of them..we loved being a part of them and they have had to cut that part off..because in spite of how much this hurts us...they cannot continue on their path with what they feel is an albatross around their necks.
Only by cutting us out of their lives, will he be able to face where the pain is coming from.
And perhaps realize that the pain remains, in spite of the fact that they have walked away from us, their families and our love.
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Blimey I remember posting this - I've come a long way since then :)
SKxxx
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OP,
Thanks for bumping this up. This thread took place long before I came here.
This is really the heart of the matter isn't it? Surely it's the question/hope that brought us all here.
It's not the main thing for those farther along. We do come to understand, and then with more time, accept that this is our journey as much as our MLCers. And that there are no guarantees--but there is hope, especially if we practice the unconditionals and detach.
And a few more success stories than when SpecialK first asked the question, too!
I'd be curious to know where those who posted on this original thread are today in their thinking. Are they still as committed to standing? Has their been encouraging movement in their sitch? Where are they in their journey now?
TMHP
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Well BD for me was June 28th of 2010.
D was final Sept 11th 2010
OW moved in Nov 1st 2010
ExH moved her out Dec1st 2010
I'm moving back in Oct 1st 2011.
Do we ever get back together? I guess so.
Will we ever feel secure again in the relationship again? Beats me. I'm not there yet.
Will things ever be the same? Nope.
Is it a joyous happy thing? Not from what I'm feeling yet.
Has he changed ? Some.
Have I changed? Some
Have we changed enough to make this work? Hard telling.
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Well I am not tempting fate as we all know how quick things change in the world of MLC but my H asked about coming home this Sunday.
First BD March 09
OW BD Aug 09 11 mths with her then
Multiple leaves usually for 1 night, go to OW then beg to come home the next day.
Moved into his own place April 10 when I made him leave after so many times hearing how unhappy he was and discovering contact again with OW.
We had been reconnecting lately but i felt there was no commitment so I went NC with him two weeks today maybe that chivvied him along, who knows.
Watch this space I guess
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I believe my husband and I are getting back together.... all signs point to it, and though I "knew" what I thought the outcome would be from nearly the beginning, I didn't know what the journey to get there would be like and there's still a long way to go..... I think the "getting back together" comes in stages, as well.... first is the dumping of the affair, then there is still the MLC to get through... after that, remorse and reconnecting, then rebuilding! Who knows how long it takes to get to that point... in the meantime, you can still live together as a family, have family outings, vacations, holidays.... while the both of you travel your paths....coming together in small ways to build a foundation to trust in...
Like HB, I believe (NOW, hahaha!) that FORGIVENESS must be found for the MLCer AND for the alienator before my husband and I can come back together... believe me, I never thought I would see the day when I was encouraging forgiveness towards OW.... cuz I really don't give a rat's a** about her... let her family and friends console her.... but I must be able to find forgiveness towards her FOR MY OWN HEALING, or my journey will not have come full circle... by "full circle" I don't necessarily mean "complete" just that it has come around from BD to the opposite... a desire to be together instead of a desire to break apart.
We have dodged so many bullets and come so far, that I already feel like a success story.... we are relaxed around each other, my husband is reconnected with the house and kids almost 100%, and he has many moments of clarity.... future talk and imagining our life together... telling ME that I need to have "faith", like HE does, that we will get through this! :o :o :o Stay tuned! ;)
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Wow!
Thank you LG, hyperglad and ITFTLH. Your posts are very encouraging to read, one after the other like that. I'm hoping each of you continue to see progress in your sitchs. Reading your posts makes me feel like there may be light at the end of "my" tunnel.
Thank you!
TMHP