Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: TrustingMyHP on August 05, 2011, 08:32:30 PM
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Recently here I've been reading a number of posts from LBSers who are either divorced or are now in the midst of the legal process of one.
I'd like to hear from those of you in this situation who might have an opinion on the following question(s): If you did your best to drag the divorce process out, to delay it, do you think, looking back at this point, that it was the best choice for you? Would you do it differently if you were facing the situation today?
I ask this because I think there's a high probability I'll be facing this choice in 5 months. My MLC H has been having a three year affair with the OW. I found out about it at BD 7 months ago which was when they moved in together and when we officially separated.
The state in which I live requires 12 months of separation before a divorce can be filed for. Then, if one partner contests, the person who's filed has to wait an additional year until the divorce can be granted. My MLCer H will be eligible to file in early Jan. '12.
I've been planing to contest the divorce thus forcing H to wait an additional year before the divorce is final. But I wonder if it's a better strategy to "give him what he wants" so he can truly believe the marriage is over and, perhaps, travel through the MLC tunnel a bit faster. Also, I'm concerned that, by contesting, I'll give H and the alienator someone (me) to fixate on as the "enemy" that's keeping them from the frosting on the cake of their happiness. That as long as they think "When we're finally married everything will fall into place/be wonderful/we'll be truly happy, etc." the LBS is fighting a losing battle.
If you're divorced, or in the process, I'd appreciate any thoughts you have on this. I realize this is a highly personalized issue, each MLCer and their particular sitch is different. However, there seems to be two different approaches the LBS can take to this issue, i.e. give the MLCer what they want (divorce) so they'll feel truly free and maybe wake up from their trance a bit earlier or "stall for time" by contesting but run the risk of being seen as the witch wife who's keeping the happy couple from wedded bliss and in the process prolonging the fantasy life of the MLCer and OW.
My gut tells me to stand and not facilitate the divorce. However, I am having doubts. I'm willing to stand a long time but I wonder if I could be making the situation worse for reconciliation in the long run? Especially since a significant number of MLCers do seem to follow through with their desire for a divorce.
Hope my question makes sense,
TMHP
M 58
H 60
D 22
M 38 yrs.
BD Jan. '11
H living with OW since BD
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Truly, the only reason I filed for a legal separation was
1) he told me he didn't want to be married to me any more and we both looked at one another and said what do we do now
2)he was leaving the country in 3 weeks and I wanted to protect myself financially. His decisions had been so strange in the previous 13 months as well as I could not trust him so I didn't think I had a choice
I think I will have some freedom once everything is divided as since I haven't worked (due to moving for his job 7 times) I have felt strange spending "his money"..at least now I shall know what is mine.
And I won't have to have any knowledge of who he is spending his portion on.
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I understand what you are asking, and it's a valid question. I would ask YOU, though.... do you want a divorce? If not, then you should perhaps stick to your guns on it. Why hand him over on a silver platter? The affair has gone on for a long time, but they have only LIVED together for 7 months.... big difference. IF you sit quietly and go about your life, OW will begin to pressure... and if your husband wanted a divorce so darn bad, why didn't he file 3 years ago? Ow will pressure, Monster will demand, but like a teenager, he may secretly HOPE you put the kibosh on it... like a teen telling his peer group "Dude, I am SOOOO there at the beer bash bangin' all those hot chicks, but my Moms is onto it.... can't go there this time..."
I do see the other side as well, though... the one that says "if he files, I'll let him have it and hope for the best." My instincts tell me that if you are fighting for your marriage, you do everything in your power to avoid divorce. Sometimes it's not possible, but you can sleep nights knowing that EVERYONE knows it was NOT your choice.
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My instincts tell me that if you are fighting for your marriage, you do everything in your power to avoid divorce.
Sorry, but for some of us, there just wasn't a choice.
but you can sleep nights knowing that EVERYONE knows it was NOT your choice.
Doesn't matter what everyone knows...God knows this was not my choice.
I shall however sleep at night knowing that I don't lose what I need financially to live the rest of my life.
I'm sorry guys..I know that there is a strong push on this site to avoid divorce at all costs....but it gets a bit rough for some us us sitting here looking at the papers that we need to sign regardless of how we feel so it would help considerably not to be constantly reminded that it is better not to divorce.
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My H filed in Feb of 2009 after moving out in March of 2008. With no grounds - of which he has none - H had to wait 2 years for the D to become final which should have happened Feb of 2011. WE ARE STILL MARRIED. Every time the final papers were supposed to be signed, God has intervened and prevented that from happening. My cancer diagnosis last summer also caused the judge to re-open proofs since I now had circumstances that warranted maintenance. Another time, my H was in a psychotic state outside the courtroom sobbing that he was not getting a fair share of my teacher's retirement. So, we all went home.
Twice - in June and August of this year - scheduled hearings were mysteriously canceled by the judge - a judge that my attorney says never has canceled anything in over a decade of working with him. This stuff is just too bizarre to be anything other than the mighty supernatural hand of God.
If this ever does go through, no civil court can dissolve my marriage. God put us together into a one-flesh covenant marriage and only God can sever that - which he does only by death. Marriage is for life and I would not want to be someone who makes a living off of trying to separate what God says cannot be separated. If you are a believer, the scriptures are clear. One man, one woman are one flesh for life.
So, even though I told me attorney to not make this any easier for my H, circumstances created by God have put up more road blocks than me or my attorney could have ever orchestrated. I certainly would not do anything to make this easy for your H. If he wants a divorce, make him do all the work.
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I filed because I was forced to. My H cut me off financially for 3 months. So I had to do it to protect myself and our S. I do not want a Divorce. I am trying to delay things but that can only go on for so long. It is so sad. After I filed, I found out my H retained a lawyer a few days earlier. He didn't do anything though, just retained him. I have turned this over to God and asked him for his help in not letting this D go through.
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as we can see , the sitch is different for everyone. I'm with xy and nb. My H has never worked since we were married and I had raised my 3 boys and bought 2 properties before I married H. When he said he didnt want to be married anymore, he said he didnt want anything as he acknowledged them as mine and that I had worked hard to get them.
I certainly dont want to be divorced, but I needed to protect myself before any OW may put pressure on him about marital property. Also, at 54, I dont want to be worrying about my financial future.
I started the paperwork as my H just doesnt move to do anything. Who know what the future brings though.
My H says he isnt sure of divorce but, now that the proces has started its got a life of its own
I think its important to protect yourself if that is an issue, especially if there are children involved
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Well the divorce or not to divorce issue is never very far away is it?? Newbies fear it and some LBS's fight it and others just 'allow' it to happen.
I know this site is anti divorce and I guess none of us married with a view of ending up being divorced - I am one of the few on this site who is divorced. I didn't want it - I was married to my exH for 14 years (BD was on my 14th wedding anniversary!!) but now less than 23 months later I find myself divorced, a single mother and exH has married his OW.
I got all of the usual stuff from him about being a good Dad and not introducing her to our 2 children for years and years but hey....this MLC La La Land and nothing ever stands still.
Everyone who is important to me KNOWS I didn't want to be divorced from my exH. This circle of friends and family is very wide. Lots people didn't understand my stance and it is only in recent times that my RL friends have started to say 'oh my goodness MF, you are right H is in a weird place'.
I chose to stand and not fight a divorce if he initited proceedings against me. I had to marry this with my vision of my life in the future of living a very happy, fulfilled life without regrets or shame or guilt for how I behaved towards my husband during his MLC. I took a very simple approach of seeing the divorce as puttingsome clear bluewater between me and my H - of my not having to keep him in my life - of cutting him free and leaving me to move my life forward to a fabulous future with my two children.
I really didn't want to have to keep in touch with him in a few years time about finances or kids or anything such. I wanted to my future to be completely free (I had the mantra, 'is what I'm about to do going to take me towards being debt free, mortgage free and H free' and if it wasn't taking me towards that goal I didn't do it). I have maintained from the start that I didn't want my exH (and his MLC) casting a long shadow into my future. People on this Forum know how dark and hideous those days were for me BUT I maintained an external front to my solicitor, his family and my other friends who didn't understand.
I felt that I was the one with the full 360 degrees vision in that I knew the truth and I knew my exH was in MLC and therefore was hurting massively and I had to be the 'adult' - I made some compromises during the process (idiotic ones when I've told my inner circle, but I lost a battle to win a war which was to find calm and peace in my live).
I would read and reread my letters from his solicitor and if I didn't need to respond I wouldn't (when I didn't engage with him face to face he moved to baiting me via his solicitor). I wasn't going to engage in a war of nastiness via letter and my solicitor was chosen beacuse he 'got me' and my approach - he wasn't at all adversarial and that kept my bills low, my pain down and the focus on doing the best deal possible to secure my kids future (S12 and D10). My solicitors bill was a quarter of my exH's.
I feel I have cleared the decks for my future and because I don't have hatred in my heart I know I am open to having some kind of relationship with my exH when he has navigated his MLC.
His divorcing me has changed nothing - he's still in MLC and my kids are protected - on the weekend he married his OW (an ex from 27 years ago) I was shown just how far I'd come from that emotionally broken woman he'd left in October 2009 and that I wa ssurrounded by love and friednship - Voyager, Just Asking and Bewildered plus a whole host of RL friends kept me busy from the Thursday until the Monday and showed me how much I was loved for me and not for my exH being in my life. i didn't cry once about him but I cried because I was humbled by everyone who supported me through.
We walked in the Yorkshire countryside, drank tea and ate gorgeous cake and in the evening sang into wooden spoons, dancing around my kitchen to 1980's hit, eating Mexican food and having a laugh - two worlds colliding for me (my RL friends meeting my Forum friends) and the mix was electric! I got to bed very drunk at 2.30am!!
So my only piece of advice would be to imagine the life you want in two years/5 years time and use the divorce process to help you work towards that goal. Just because people divorce it doesn't mean it's the end of their relationship ...it is just right now something the MLCer feels they have to do.
((hugs)) as I know it's a scary time but you can navigate these waters with dignity and decorum if you chose to.
P
xx
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About the divorce or not thing, I wonder if my situation is really different or not. H and I met in university, in 1978, and we lived together immediatly. We were 21 (I) and he 20. Our children arrived 10 and 12 years later. We never married, because he didn't want. He had no deep reasons, I was sad about that, I wanted to marry but never pressured him. He is passive agressive, and let me too often decide, so that he could obstruct most of the time (thats the only grief I have ; he always obliged me to decide).Marriage is a decision to be taken, and it arrived ...in 2008, at his 50'th birthday. We had a big party, and not having told me before, he said " This year, I marry Hope" in front of 30 friends.I was surprised, and you know what, I didn't answer because I was upset he hadn't talked about it before. Days went on, and I wanted to let him go and prepare the papers for wedding. I was afraid inside, I dont know why. Fear of a situation that he didn't want for so long, the balance was fixed.
Anyway, we weren't married when BD happened in december 2009. He said (kindly) to me " We aren't married, we cant divorce". And my question is I guess we didn't officialise our couple, and we cant have an official way for separate. I think thats why he feels inside still "attached" (and so avoidant) to me. Divorce is a way to say " Its over". We cant. Its painful for me, and for him I suppose too. What do you think of that? He doesn't feel free, I feel that. Even if I dont initiate contact as often as I did. Hugs, we all have to cope with our sitchs , even if they are different.
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Moving,
You're a true inspiration and I appreciate your help here and on FB!! You really do a great job of putting things in perspective, and model understanding and patience as well. I hope your H sees the light and returns to you someday, but even if he doesn't you are going to be just fine. It's wonderful that you were able to combine RL and forum friends and isn't that the beauty of the internet in that you would never have met any of these people if this had happened even 10 years ago.
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Dear Moving,
I found great inspiration in your post...I feel this is the road I will have to pursue also to protect myself financially as my H is deep in MLC and dropping every link with his past life as the months go on...
Thank you for making me feel a little better about the D procedure, it is a path I never dreamt I would find myself on and a road I do not wish to take...
Love and hugs
Fox xxx
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Thanks to each of you for your thoughtful and helpful replies. Everyone's perspective gives me info and good things to ponder. What a gift this forum has been to me!
I'm in the thankful position of not having to file to protect myself financially. H and I signed a settlement agreement 3 months after BD (which my attorney drafted, H refused to get an attorney for himself) which basically gave me the lion's share of our assets.
At that time we took his name off all the accounts, separated the car titles and such, and did most of the financial and legal things necessary. We're still having to do legal stuff associated with the ownership of H's start-up business but that's slowly getting done.
My H has been extremely generous and fair with me and I know I am very fortunate on that score. Of course, he feels tremendous guilt. That accounts, I'm sure, for much of the generosity. But it's also true my H is a decent man--doing a bad thing--but at his core a good person.
Since BD (when I learned of his then 24-month A) he's only brought up the D word once, four months ago.
(H doesn't realize that in the settlement agreement my attorney worded it in such a way that I don't have to agree to the divorce but can contest it without having to go court next year. In effect, I can delay the divorce for another 12 to 18 months after this coming Jan.)
I was very fortunate to have found this site not too long after BD. It's made a huge impact on my understanding about what was going on and how I needed to proceed.
H & my relationship has been, and continues to be, very cordial, almost warm. We communicate/see each other about every 2 - 4 weeks through emails, texts, not many phone convos, but he does visit me and D22 (who's recently moved back home with me while she goes to grad school) here at our home. We have pleasant convos (no R talk, or questions on my part, or any mention of OW by either of us.)
The bad stuff though, is disturbing. He's been living with OW for 7 months now, in a town 90 miles from our home. She moved 300 miles from another state to live with H right after BD. Left her apartment, moved all of her stuff to our state. She's divorced her H of 15 years (it was final earlier this year) and, most devastating, she's bought, with her money, an extremely expensive (6 figures!) 54' boat for her and H to live on.
Their financial and emotional emeshment is deep and appears to be getting deeper. That's why I'm bracing for the D filing in Jan. Can't imagine she's not putting extreme pressure on my H to do so.
She's put all of her eggs in one basket and must be nervous. And H must feel very beholden to her since she divorced her H for him and now has invested a massive amount of her $ into their "home."
Oh, and did I mention that my H, who's a software entrepreneur, currently has no income (I got it all in the settlement, including his military pension) and he and OW are living off of her alimony? (She's disabled and can't work.)
To sum up, she's supporting him(!) I don't see how my H can escape filing as soon as it's possible. I fear, because he's so invested in being a "good guy," he'll want to do what he thinks is the "right thing" by her.
He was able, in part I think, to leave me because he knew he was leaving me comfortably settled financially. He has nothing to give her and, in fact, has taken from her, since they've been together. A bit different sitch from the norm.
So. . .for all these reasons I'm pessimistic. I fear H will file as soon as he can, 5 months from now.
I tell myself a lot can happen in 5 months. I think the holiday season is going to be a big challenge for H emotionally. Like everyone else here, I wish I had a crystal ball! It will be interesting to see what happens, that's for sure.
TMHP
M 58
H 60
D 22
M 38 yrs.
BD Jan. '11
H living with OW
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I have to throw this in for MLC humor......
While in mediation, I told the mediator I did not want a divorce, when he came back in the room after telling H what I'd said, he told me H said he wanted a divorce because I wrote him mean emails.
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Hi Trusting
This is a really good subject and one close to my heart right now as the D process has finally caught up with me. I am one of the LBS who filed back in January where in my sitch the world looked a potentially very bleak place.
So in order to protect myself and my future i took what i can only describe as an agonising decision. I decided though to try to drag it out as long as possible.
But these things do catch up with you and looking back now i begin to wonder why i dragged it out. I think i hoped that if i waited as long as i could MLC events would perhaps catch up with my h and things would get to a point where i would be able to quietly drop the D.
I did not want to D and my heart wasn't in it, still isn't. But in reality nothing changed and of course it wasn't going to, my h is nowhere near out of the deepest part of the tunnel, but like all of us i had hope and yep those dreaded expectations were lurking around, even though i told myself i didn't have any.
Moving Forward puts how i now feel so well
I chose to stand and not fight a divorce if he initited proceedings against me. I had to marry this with my vision of my life in the future of living a very happy, fulfilled life without regrets or shame or guilt for how I behaved towards my husband during his MLC. I took a very simple approach of seeing the divorce as puttingsome clear bluewater between me and my H - of my not having to keep him in my life - of cutting him free and leaving me to move my life forward to a fabulous future with my two children.
In the end, D or not, initiated by the LBS or not, what we have to do remains the same. To be able to let go of the marriage, behave with grace and dignity and use the lessons we learn through this to power our futures.
There are no guarantees here, Divorced people can reconcile, non divorced people may never reconcile, or vice versa. Its the heart and mind that matters of the MLCer and the LBS.
This from Moving Forward
on the weekend he married his OW (an ex from 27 years ago) I was shown just how far I'd come from that emotionally broken woman he'd left in October 2009 and that I wa ssurrounded by love and friednship - Voyager, Just Asking and Bewildered plus a whole host of RL friends kept me busy from the Thursday until the Monday and showed me how much I was loved for me and not for my exH being in my life. i didn't cry once about him but I cried because I was humbled by everyone who supported me through.
We walked in the Yorkshire countryside, drank tea and ate gorgeous cake and in the evening sang into wooden spoons, dancing around my kitchen to 1980's hit, eating Mexican food and having a laugh - two worlds colliding for me (my RL friends meeting my Forum friends) and the mix was electric! I got to bed very drunk at 2.30am!!
It was a privelige and an honour to be part of something very special. Watching MF dancing surrounded by those who love her, was a life affirming moment. Not our spouses life, but our lives. That potential for spontaneous joy is there for all of us. It helped me to see that happen. Made me see what a future can look like for myself, shaped by me, regardless of what happens to my marriage.
Much love. xxxxx
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Mean emails are certainly reasons for divorcing. Along with liking professional wrestling, playing video games and not aging well. These last 3 I got courtesy of my W.
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NASCAR too? It is a southern thang you know?
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Mean emails and liking wrestling? I wash dishes the wrong way. In the sink, when we have a dishwasher. Gasp.
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This is so weird and I am not 100% certain where i should post this but I think here is as good a placeas any. I am not an addict but part of this journey for me has seen meepxlore recovery in all of it's forms. I receive the daily devotional from Hazelden and this was from yesterdat which i'v just picked up, by the way it isn't addresssed to me under my Forum name this is exactly as it was rceived in my Inbox:-
Today's thought from Hazelden is:
Moving Forward
Much as we would like, we cannot bring everyone with us on this journey called recovery. We are not being disloyal by allowing ourselves to move forward. We don't have to wait for those we love to decide to change as well.
Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change. We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them. We don't need to suffer with them.
It doesn't help.
It doesn't help for us to stay stuck just because someone we love is stuck. The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.
Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We're accountable for ourselves. They're accountable for themselves. We let them go, and let ourselves grow.
Today, I will affirm that it is my right to grow and change, even though someone I love may not be growing and changing alongside me.
So I thought I'd share it with everyone - exactly the words of wisdom discussed on the board
((hugs)) everyone this weekend,
P
xx
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MF
Love this post about detaching and being responsible for ourselves .... concentrating on ourselves and leaving others to work on their issues - work it out themselves
if only a MLCer could work a Little faster hey??
Love B xx
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Found this and thought how a reaction to decide to divorce maybe the wrong action?
Heartbroken wife of Celtic coach Alan Thompson blows whistle on split and blames his midlife crisis
May 29 2011 Exclusive by Lauren Crooks, Sunday Mail
alan thompson celtic Image 1
alan thompson celtic Image 1
THE wife of Celtic coach Alan Thompson yesterday claimed the couple's 15-year marriage has collapsed because he is having a mid-life crisis.
Joanne, 41, revealed their "idyllic" partnership came crashing down six months ago when Parkhead manager Neil Lennon's right-hand man told her he had met someone else.
The mum-of-three said she had no choice but to split from him after the bombshell - because she could never be the type of WAG who stands by their husband, such as England skipper John Terry's wife Toni.
And she hit out at her ex, who has been seen enjoying nights out recently with a 34-year-old former model and one-time Britney Spears lookalike.
Thompson, 37, insisted the break-up was "amicable" whe he confirmed the couple were divorcing last month.
But Joanne, who lives in the couple's mansion in Morpeth, Northumberland, with their three young kids, said: "It's over because I knew he had met someone else.
"I haven't a clue how long they have known each other but he told me in December.
"I don't know and don't care how long it has been but he can do it in his own time now.
"I'm not going to be a Toni Terry because there's more to life than money and fame. It's about self-respect and dignity. If I can walk away with that then I will be happy.
"I'm going to write a book about this and I want every single other footballer's wife in the world that's had it done to them to stand up and applaud me."
Former ballet dancer Joanne has not spoken to Thompson since serving him with divorce papers in the middle of last month.
He moved into a bachelor pad in Glasgow's west end, while Joanne stayed in the family home with their children, aged 13, 12 and eight.
Joanne, who has been married to Thompson for nearly 15 years, says he is having a midlife crisis.
She added: "I will never understand it, I will never, ever get my head round what he has done to me.
"We were idyllically married. I will never discredit my marriage. He is having a midlife crisis so he can get on with it.
"He had absolutely everything in the palm of his hand - a loyal, faithful wife and three beautiful children.
"I never looked at another man, he never looked at another woman. I'm not making excuses for him but all the fame and ego has gone to his head."
Despite her heartbreak, Joanne, who still drives her husband's white Range Rover with his personalised registration, has ruled out a reunion and says he is no longer the man she married.
She said: "There's absolutely no way on God's earth I'd take him back right now. I'm divorcing him but I'm not divorcing 'my Alan'. He was a lovely, good, sound man. I'm divorcing another man altogether."
The Hoops coach issued a press statement in April confirming that he was splitting from his wife: "Amicable divorce proceedings are going ahead. I want to get on with my own life with dignity and privacy."
He has recently been spotted out on in trendy bars and restaurants in Glasgow with his new companion.
After entering a competition for a modelling contract 12 years ago, the former model told a paper: "My secret to looking good is smiling and living life to the full. Life's too short to worry. You've got to enjoy yourself."
Thompson signed for Celtic in 2000 for £2.75million, after stints at English club. He left in 2007 for Leeds United but returned to Glasgow last June.
The Celtic coach, who has been seen as a loyal and trusted lieutenant to boss Neil Lennon during the club's stormy season, declined to comment yesterday.
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Here is a simple sentence from RCR's article on Acceptance that I believe has a strong message. Regarding divorce, the big truth is that this "new life" that the MLCer seeks is, with rare exception, impossible to attain.
"As a spouse--present or former, Standing or not, your journey's are intertwined."
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DGU - a simple truth, but grrrr, sometimes I wish it weren't so! I would like to "un-twine" from him at times.
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StandandDeliver
I hear you....and concur. I would also be open to some "un-twine" right now.
My MLCer divorced me, but I've had 8 contacts from her in the last 16 days. Some face to face, some phone call, and some e-mail. Everything from walking the dog together to her telling me that we need to decide something about our common property.
The way we do it now is the way she put it in the divorce decree.....but she wants to change that now.....but also said she is not in a hurry. We are only 1.5 years post bomb drop.....so I guess this "fun" will continue for a while.......especially since I believe that quote from RCR is very true.