Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Red Star on August 07, 2011, 02:11:22 AM
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We don't have kids, and I don't recall, although I am sure I did it in tantrum as a kid at some point. My H, a MLCer, in Replay (what else), has recently increased a particular behavior. It is annoying and immature. I've read others speak of "seeing a child" of a certain age seem to appear out of their MLCer. I am wondering if this is what I am seeing? :-\
I have a low energy, live-in MLCer. Within the last month or so, he backed into the tunnel further, away from voluntary reconnection. :'( (sigh), and has upped the Replay behaviors. Very recently, his dad came close to dying. At least one, probably more of H's issues are rooted in a poor R with his dad. H went to stay with his parents for a week to help out. When he came home here, he was unusually bright and happy (which is suspicious behavior for one in Replay). When I did invoke Monster, H started in earnest this behavior of hanging up on me. I'd get a snide remark and he would hang up. ::) I'd call back and he would answer and say, "stop calling me!", and then hang up! ::) Or, he might pick up and then hang up without saying anything. ::) I thought to myself, 'hhmmm, I believe we have a child here.' What age is this for a boy or young man? Who partakes of this repetitive hanging up behavior with snide commentary? ??? BTW, these hang-ups are occuring whether we are having words or not. I might just mention an issue occuring with the house or a dog, and I get a snide remark and a hang-up! :o It is getting silly! :o :o ::)
Just an observation: The Monster I saw as H was getting ready to go to see his sick dad, and the Monster I saw after he returned home, was the absolute WORST I have ever, ever seen. :o Apparently, the Monster invoked around a MLC Issue will be the WORST! Well, let's HOPE so! :o This made Monster related to ow look like a declawed, decrepid kitty cat. :o :o
Thanks for any insight into this behavior!
Beautiful Star
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Hi BStar,
Well, the behaviour you are describing is certainly childish (my little ones are probably too young for this, sounds teenage). It sounds more monsterish than anything. I don't know if there is very much you can do - my suggestion is send him an email telling him that it would seem that he is having difficulty maintaining his composure on the telephone and for the time being until he is prepared to behave in a more respectful manner, perhaps email and/or texting might be a better way to conduct any necessary conversations. I would go back to keeping everything business like. Do not indulge in personal conversations and stop talking to him about stuff around the house or the dog, just deal with everything as if you are on your own (hard, I know, but better than taking the constant abusive behaviour, which is what repeated hanging up is).
Good luck, nothing about this is easy!
HUGS!!
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BS - we have three teenage sons, and I'm not sure that that's going to be an easy question to answer.
My thinking is that because everyone is an individual, they will all have their own 'quirks' within the tunnel.
My H has never hung up on me, but has walked out of the room plenty of times (in the early days when he was in Monster).
Could possibly be a 13 yr old? Often when they want to start controlling things and can have 'snippy' things to say, but it really would depend on the person and the environment that they were growing up in????
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At least one, probably more of H's issues are rooted in a poor R with his dad. H went to stay with his parents for a week to help out. When he came home here, he was unusually bright and happy (which is suspicious behavior for one in Replay). When I did invoke Monster, H started in earnest this behavior of hanging up on me. I'd get a snide remark and he would hang up. ::) I'd call back and he would answer and say, "stop calling me!", and then hang up! ::) Or, he might pick up and then hang up without saying anything. ::) I thought to myself, 'hhmmm, I believe we have a child here.' What age is this for a boy or young man? Who partakes of this repetitive hanging up behavior with snide commentary? ??? BTW, these hang-ups are occuring whether we are having words or not. I might just mention an issue occuring with the house or a dog, and I get a snide remark and a hang-up! :o It is getting silly! :o :o ::)
Mine did it, but he was exhibiting 7 year old behavior..on the other hand, this could also be pre teen, or even teenage behavior as well.
When he hangs up rudely like that, do NOT call him back; just let him go, regardless of what's happening...he has to come to YOU, not you go to him, if that makes sense.
He does it because he CAN..and because you play into it, and play his "game", by calling him back when he hangs up on you for whatever reason...don't feed his behavior, let him figure himself out.
He's in rebellion of a type, and only he can figure it out.
I hope this helps.
Oh, hey, ask the LORD how old this child is; He will tell you, and even give you advice on how to handle him. :)
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Hello,
What you are seeing is 'normal' within MLC. I posted on this Forum when I first joined (after being on another Forum) that I had seen my exH behave like a 15 year old and a 7 year old. I would look at him and simply not recognise him or how he was behaving - along with the dead eyes and sometimes looking at me as if he didn't know really freaked me out in the 9 months leading to him leaving. He was very erratic and intense at that time which was confusing for me.
His Mum died when he was 15 and the whole situation was handled very badly by his father - the root cause of his MLC in my view - my exH would behave like a 15 year old who had just lost his Mum, he smelled very different (sweaty and strong - so much so he would shower twice/three times a day when he still lived at home), he started to get teenage spots and would talk about his Mum in the PRESENT TENSE (freaked me out).
I have also seen him behave like a 7 year old child - sucking his thumb and rubbing his nose and then crying - after investigation (post BD) his Mum had a lost a baby at this time and it had a massive impact on the family.
Before I understood the landscape I was now living in i.e MLC Land I was totally confused and horrified that my professional 42 year old husband could behave in such a way. He also talked all the time about the good old days and got back in touch with many friends from that time (via good old Facebook) and then the killer - his ex girlfriend from exactly that time.
I know other members of this Forum have seen 'children' in their MLCers.
Once I 'got it' it all made sense as essentially they are back at that time and are having to deal with the learning and growth from that time which they 'missed.' My exH's behaviour now makes a lot of sense if I see him as a teenager who's just lost his Mum (it helps me be compassionate with him).
Food for thought,
P
xx
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Thanks for the Input Everyone!
S&D, It is abusive, and if I wasn't so used to MLC behaviors, I might react badly to this. He has been doing a bit of this on and off for years ( entered the tunnel in 2007), but this stuff since seeing his sick dad is wild! ::) I'm not angry....I am detached! :) However, the man-in-the-Monster suit was totally over-the-top abusive. I understand that his issues are surfacing big time, but it was too much. For the first time in all this, I have gone Dark/Dim and feel relaxed. If I need to tell him something (we run a farm together, really we have to communicate) I email, write a note or text. I had one emergency last night and had to speak to him, otherwise, I have no voice for him. I feel this is best for me right now, and probably a good push for him. He IS speaking to me. I've managed to work it out so that it isn't weird that I've gone Dark/Dim.
KIK, I get the walking out of the room thing too. This is a technique his therapist told him to use when he wants to shut me out. No, really, what has happened is that he has taken a useful technique and mis-used it to the point of abuse. It was a LONG time ago that this started, before his Crises. If I had particular feelings and wanted to talk it out and not stuff it away, and he didn't want to talk about it ( which is usual ), he would use his new tool and walk out of the room, shutting me out and down, taking all the power of the relationship for himself. As he saw it, he had a right to not talk about something if he didn't want to. I had NO rights. It never mattered what I wanted, just what he wanted. I'm not sure, but I'm going to guess that if the tables were turned, he would still feel all the power should be his.
Hey HB, It reminds me of our niece when she was 13 with the snotty, “fine!”, but that may be because that is the only person I have heard behave this way. As far as calling him back, I don’t always. But when we are in the middle of business where we must settle something or a creature will suffer….I have to call him back to get his input. WE have to make the decision. He cannot just say, “fine, do whatever” and hang up on me, and not create repercussions down the line with the matter at hand. But this is what he is doing. It was the start of this inappropriate MO that made me think “child”. Nevertheless, I will have to start making unilateral decisions if he cannot maintain contact to do business….whatever the issue the current issue is itching! At this pioint, with having gone into a RELAXING Dark/Dim….he won’t be able to use his hang-up as an outlet. Is that bad? What other habit might he create? :-\
HB, I am in almost non-stop prayer and a’talkin to the Lord these days! I felt like having some human interaction! Camaraderie in this trench! I do want to add that I have been still on all fronts, EXCEPT when it comes to blatantly disrespectful treatment of me. It has been a theme throughout my life that I allowed or was forced to allow disrespectful treatment, whether it was parental verbal/physical abuse, boyfriends who beat me daily or a MLCer dating from home (end of last year). That last one was the straw that did it. I firmly believe that I NEED to NOT allow this at this time, regardless. And I must speak up, no matter how he reacts. I did not hesitate to repeat to my H yesterday that I will not tolerate dating from our home, nor will I tolerate communication with an ow within our home. I am suspicious that he has started up again with ow due to reoccurring patterns in his behavior. He had dumped her in early June and started Reconnection with me. Sure, she is a no-nothing pathetic wannabe, and yes, she is just being used by him, but I put the boundary down months ago. He respected it then. He will have to respect it now. He feels “controlled”, inappropriately by my not wanting infidelity in our marriage home. This is the only place I can talk about this and not be called a DOORMAT. He started yelling that I cannot give him ultimatums about his behavior in his own home. I defined ultimatum for him and said that I put a boundary, not an ultimatum. HB, his behavior, after backing away from Reconnecting is WORSE than the first two months post BD. He has hair-trigger tantrums and he is mean, mean cruel! I am used to Monster cuz I have a live-in. But my Monster has been Biggie-upped, esp. since visiting his sick parent! I wonder if this is a GOOD sign?
Moving Forward, I have been waiting to “see a child” come out of H. This is the first time I have suspected it. No, wait, that may not be true. In a way, during High Energy Replay he was the wild 17 year old, maybe 18, but it is what you expect…..last nights, partying, puffing their chest. I was waiting to see childish behavior. I believe I have got it now! If I did not know what was going on, I would wonder if he had a tumor! And for you? Seeing sucking of the thumb! Even now, with what I know….that could be VERY, very weird to deal with. I’ve seen more mundane things like re-trying out past hobbies, one after another and tossing them aside, but he did this with adult behaviors.
Thanks!
BeStar
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Sucking his thumb? That's a new one to list in the MLC behavior checklist.
You are not a "doormat," and you proved it by setting a boundary for him. Teenagers hate boundaries as they see them as restrictive, but inside they recognize the need for them and appreciate us deep down for parenting them. I know this as I have an 18 year-old that turned out very well. It's great to see you finally stand up for yourself, as according to your post this may be a new thing for you. I don't blame you at all, even though others may disagree. I, too, feel I should be respected in my own home and have had my W leave her phone in her car when she visits as I don't know who she's texting with.
It sounds like you have a good handle on things and are doing well despite the nightmare you're going through.
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Be. At this point my puppy dog clingy boomerang is 17years old but sometimes I would see glimpses of a child who wants to go sleigh riding or ride a bike fast down hill and put his feet on handle bars :o :o :o :o
I even saw him one time jumping around pretending to be happy and goofy with the kids. He was making pancakes and the look on his face pretending to be jovial and fun looked more like Jack Nicholson in the Shining. "Here's Johnny"
It is kind of interesting to follow all this along through the stages. I just can't take the 'romantic replay behavior' involving OW and her kid every other weekend. Not a care in the world (on the surface only) about his W and 2 little Ds home Holding the Fort ;D For better AND for worse. Some days are tougher than others.
Rambling....If I se a 7 year old inside my MLCer he's going in a TIME OUT! LOL
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BS,
I seen a couple of ages in my H, First it was the 17-19 year old...alot of "jealousy" "outrage" etc.
This played out the longest...drove me nuts!!
Then I seen an age around 7-8 for a time, I believe working out the issues of losing his Brother when he
was 8. Alot of child guilt, ( cant do anything right )
Just before he left for NY, I seen a more rounded adult. but still issues embodied in him.
He did go through a weird stage where he Saw our D13 running a muck..and wanted to rein her back in.. :o :o
alot of anger spewing at d13. ( still cant figure that one out )
I think it really does depend on the MLCer....
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KIK, I get the walking out of the room thing too. This is a technique his therapist told him to use when he wants to shut me out. No, really, what has happened is that he has taken a useful technique and mis-used it to the point of abuse.
BeStar Well, we have to laugh (or we'd cry!). They're consistent in some ways - the average MLCer could take anything and twist it for their own advantage!
I'm sure the therapist also said for your husband to say ' I am unable to talk about this at this time, so how about we take a break and we can talk about it in 'an hour, a day, a week or whatever'. (Like a mature adult, not a petulant brat!)
I even saw him one time jumping around pretending to be happy and goofy with the kids. He was making pancakes and the look on his face pretending to be jovial and fun looked more like Jack Nicholson in the Shining. "Here's Johnny"
That is so funny - I've seen this too - it really would have to be the most disconcerting of times.
It was when I knew the EA had become PA. H was visiting, bouncing around in the kitchen getting the boys to help make brunch. He was so OTT, excited, 'Happy' and obviously addicted.
Thankfully I haven't seen this in a while. It's more the tortured artist look these days ..........
(Can't get Jack Nicholson out of my mind now! Hey do you think we all got it wrong and he was actually meant to portray someone in MLC? LOL)