Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: LisaLives on September 01, 2011, 07:49:23 AM
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I participated in an extended hijack on another thread where this topic was raised. I wanted to throw it out for discussion. On my better days I think I am healthily detached. I have changed everything about my life as a result of his decisions, I didn't want to, but I had to, and now I have made peace with it and I kind of like it. I have a good life and good friends and I really am happy most of the time. I have a strict NC rule and will not allow exH to call or be in the same place as me. He is allowed to e-mail or text, but I generally do not respond to texts. But, after being called on it, I realize I am not detached, just avoiding.
I marvel at standers who can live with their MLC spouse, especially the ones who have an OW. Are they more successful detaching because they have to live through the pain and agony every day and are unable to avoid? I wonder if I will ever be able to detach and why can’t I? And today this was all highlighted for me.
ExH moved across country to be with OW, but kept a house here so when he comes to visit S13 and S14, he has a place to stay. Originally he claimed 50/50 custody, one week a month and all holidays. Well that evolved to one week a month, and the schedule he has given me is about one week every 5-6 weeks. Whatever, we’ll see how that works out in the long run. But he is here this week and I am about to come unhinged. When he moved, I felt like the world was lifted off my shoulders--I truly can't tell you how light I felt. But he is back and I hate that he is breathing the same air I am and that I might run into him. He decided he wanted to see my neighbors who have become my best friends, but were never good enough for him when he lived here. So all week I have known that he was going to be right next door last night with the two people who know me best, know all my secrets and I feel afraid. I know all the reasons he probably feels he needs to do it--so he can prove he is right, everything he has done is all my fault and everyone else is fine with it, so I should be too. But last night when I got home, I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I feel, irrationally that he is not going to rest until he steals everything I have, that it is not enough to abandon me, but he has to take everything—my very heart and soul, or he will never be happy.
So this morning, I wake up to an e-mail from OW, an automated e-mail that my child support was transferred from their joint account. I was ready to check into the asylum. At 18 months post BD, post D, and knowing they are getting married, should I be detached enough that this doesn’t bother me? Will I ever be? How does one achieve “detachment?” If you truly loved can you ever truly detach? And this is where I get so stuck in his leaving. MLC or not, he is obviously detached from me, in my mind that means he obviously never loved. What is the timeline for healing? I have so many people tell me I need to get on with it, that I should not have a problem being in the same place with him and that I should be having more meaningful interactions “for the sake of the kids.”
And I can’t. I admit I am avoiding. In my avoidance I can feel detached, but I truly never want to see or hear from him again, the pain and the betrayal are too much to bear. How do you really stand through that? And having processed this for 18 months, I posted in my own thread, that I think perhaps my H is truly a narcissist and it would not be healthy for me to stand because he would continue to rob me for the rest of my life if I let him. Or maybe it is all just me—that I need to work harder on forgiveness and work through the pain instead of avoiding it.
But I guess that is not a problem when you are truly a stander. It is never in your best interest to truly detach, is it? If your goal is paving the way and R, do you just approach it differently? Am I in a bad place because I have no hope for R, or because I don’t want R, or am I still really ambivalent and therefore stuck? Does healthy detachment just come with time and I am just being impatient, or am I doing something wrong? Bring out the 2X4s, I am ready!
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Hey Lisa,
I, for one, did not realize what you were going through and how much pain you were in when you were posting on LG's thread. I think that would have cleared up alot of the misconceptions, but they seemed to get worked out anyway. I'm truly sorry for what you are going through and I hope you soon find peace with your sitch whether your H is in town or not.
I had inferred from some of your previous posts that you were not a stander, but now I question that. You seem to obviously still love him, and I would suspect would be willing to take him back if he wakes up from this. It's a good thing that he is maintaining an attachment to the kids, even if it's nowhere near 50/50. I wonder how OW feels during the weeks he is back in town?
You do not appear to be detached, but you're right that it is easier when he's far away and you don't have him in your face or have to fear seeing him. I feel much better when I know my W is just 40 miles away as I don't have to brace for seeing her. I hope and pray the day comes soon that I no longer stress over our interactions.
Stay strong, as you and I both know you are. You have weathered many storms and still have a ways to go, but if you've made it this far you can make it further. No 2 x 4 coming from here (I don't think I've been granted the authority to use them yet anyway. LOL!!).
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Hi Lisa, are you working on yourself any? You are right you do not sound detached, you sound like you are avoiding. But why beat yourself up over it? Who wouldn't want to remove themselves from such heartache? You've just got to take the focus off of him to put it where it belongs, which is back on you. I encourage you to visit Charlyne Cares, charlyne.org if you are choosing to stand for your marriage and looking for the strength that'll help. She has been through it all and has made it her mission to help those of us standing for our marriages, no matter what our individual situations entail. And I am so glad you've found this forum too because there's a vast wealth of both knowledge and experience here, not to mention comfort and support. So again, please do not be hard on yourself for trying to spare yourself some of this pain. You are giving your H and the OW power whenever you think of them over yourself. Keep the faith, we are here for u!
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"he is obviously detached from me"
I'm not sure I agree that he is detached from you......because of the statement below.
"He decided he wanted to see my neighbors who have become my best friends, but were never good enough for him when he lived here. So all week I have known that he was going to be right next door last night with the two people who know me best, know all my secrets and I feel afraid."
I see what he did as a form of Monster, which shows a lack of detachment on his part.
There are several things he's doing that indicate he is not totally "sold" on this new life with OW. He is maintaining a place in your city in which to stay. He took care of himself first during the hurricane on the East Coast by coming back to where it seems like he felt more "safe".
"I need to work harder on forgiveness and work through the pain instead of avoiding it."
I think there is an element of truth to this.
I also believe, though, that you do have some hope. His behavior shows a lot of confusion and cycling.....which of course sends mixed messages to the LBS.
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I'm at lunch and I can only post a quickie here.... I am an avoider. LG's thread really brought that to light for me. I'll comment more as I sent H an email that I had been avoiding doing. No response ( none expected, so we're all good there OP!) But what I did I did so that I could get out of my comfort zone of what I thought was detachment.... but in reality was avoidance.
LL, I'd also like to add that you have been there for me plenty of times. I'd love to talk. I can PM you my number if you'd like. I'm sorry you are feeling the pain. I know I would have anxiety if H said he was coming home.... clearly I'm an avoider!
Great topic!!
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Lisa,
just like Thundarr, I too see that you have been in alot of pain...no doubt.
But, I also see that this has opened you up for alot of soul searching into what you truly want for yourself.
I see someone that is trying to be STRONG, maybe for the outside world?? No need to do that here.
and I do SEE that whether you realise it or not, your Standing. ;)
I remember back in the begining, when I was all over the map with my emotions here and I wanted ALL the answers.
as we all do when we first get hit with this horrible thing. I also remember thinking, HOW canone detach 100%
when you STILL love your spouse. I fought that one for months, just ask LG..LOL!!
I can tell you for me, That it isnt easy dealing with a live-in MLCer with an OW. :-[
But, I learned how to detach from things that happened at the MOMENT...but truly, I was a wreck most of the time.
I was detached from their drama, and I got to SEE his addiction to her plain and simple, which also helped me
better understand that it wasn't that they really "loved" eachother. It was/is a very sick sick R that I want nothing
to do with. I actually reached a point where I pittied my H, rather then feel pissed at him for doing what he was/is
doing. I have been glad that he has been in NY right now....gave me a HUGE break. But It still doesnt take away
ANY of the emotions that I feel about where he is and what he is doing.
I go about my daily life...doing what I do. I dont call him or text him at all. I have remained NC on MY PART.
He is the one that contacts me...BUT, I never ignore his texts or calls. I want him to know I am still here.
But the main reason I have NC with HIM, is because it WILL no doubt cause drama for me if his crazy OW
hears about it and I want none of her drama in my life and believe me....she has no problems telling ME
how to live MY life.
SO I guess, Your right...I have not completely detached, I dont think that IS possible with a live in MLCer.
How can you? but I learned how to NOT let things affect me the way they used too...which makes life a whole
lot easier.
Dont know if I addressed the thread tittle...LOL! but thats my take on my sitch.
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I do think detachment and avoidence get mixed up a lot, but I also think they are related. MY H is never far & OW seems to like to find ways to get in my face. I felt like I had to sink or swim since I never really got away from H. The hits just kept commin'.
Early on I simply HAD to find ways to avoid H. I have a young child and H stays involved with her, so it was never completely dark, but I did go as dim as possible for a while. It was not the same as where I am now, but it was one of the things that let me get to this point. I had to have some sort of break in order to come to terms with my new reality. After that I was able to start detaching. Once it started, life really started to get better though.
I really think it is OK to avoid. Sometimes we need a break, and that is fine. The real break we need lies in detachment though, so it is worth continuing to work to get there. I would guess that you are on the road to detaching. Don't beat yourself up over not being there yet.
((hugs))
- Zen
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Well I have a few comments,
You do not avoid this #1, you can run away and hide but it will come back and hunt you down.
I think you have commented in the past that you are not STANDING.
So I guess my question is then you are running away from the pain?
I make no judgement about the not standing but I do about the running away from the pain.
Your husband coming and visiting with the neighbors.
Why do you think he chose them, do you think it was to make contact with you?
Even if it was just to find out how you are doing.
A typical MLC trait, I might add.
I agree with the above advice BTW, you need to keep working on you.
At some point you are going to have to forgive your husband.
I am not saying to be friends with him but to let him go completely.
You both thought that the divorce was going to take away the pain,
it does not work that way.
He is still hiding from it and you are running.
I know detachement works in layers, like peeling an onion.
So maybe you need to peel away a few more layers.
Lisa RCR wrote that you are more than welcome on our board,
and I want to reiterate that statement.
You DO need to STAND - FOR YOU!!!!
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LisaLives, I just want to say I appreciate your honesty! I hope it means you feel safe enough to reveal yourself here, but I also think it means you are READY to move forward. Moving forward is not moving ON....it's also not limbo.... it's incorporating new things into your life, even if there is a hole where your husband used to be. The hole is still there... you don't have to fill it up.... just let it be there.
We've all been crazed over this..... detachment comes and goes.... avoidance is necessary sometimes... it's not a crime, LOL!! but it might be holding you back from living your life. Some days you just need a vacay from your sorrow, so you put the sitch in a little box and maybe head out for some retail therapy, or lunch with a friend, or Yoga class or whatever.... sometimes you are too fragile to deal with the negativity a MLCer brings to the table... it's ok to avoid sometimes.
OP is right to question the avoidance of pain, though. No one wants to feel it... your MLCer is DOING these things to himself, but it is HAPPENING to you and your kids.... you can't control it, so avoidance becomes a form of CONTROL. I suggest you think about surrender and acceptance. It takes time to get there... to acceptance, and I take it back all the time... it's not concrete for me, but, SURRENDER is a tool I use when I am overwhelmed, like right now....I HAD to find a higher power to surrender to because I needed HELP in a major way.... when I feel myself OUT OF CONTROL, it is usually because I'm sucked into trying to CONTROL, and that is a minefield of misery right there.... so SURRENDER is a practice.... DETACHMENT comes with surrender. It all starts with one step forward, and I think you are ready..... ready to feel your pain and MOVE THROUGH IT... cuz the only way out of it is THROUGH.
See, the MLCer is running and running to avoid his pain.... and we want to shake them and say "FEEL YOUR PAIN so you can get well!! FEEL IT!! I'm HERE for you!!" but they run from it and make it worse and it never goes away no matter what they do. The LBS does a lot of the same things the MLCer is doing, just in a different way and without the destruction.
I'd like to make a few recommendations for you, and who knows if it will resonate..... one is the book "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson which addresses "Surviving through and recovering from the five stages that accompany the loss of love". It's very clinical, and a tough read for me as it causes me to dig deep and question a lot of my past history.... I have abandonment "issues", LOL!!
I have found the work of Byron Katie to be EASY in concept, though the ideas are not new..... she has many books out, but I recommend you just go to her website www.thework.com (http://www.thework.com) and click on the "Doing the Work"... it's a simple worksheet that will help you turn your thinking around in about 2 minutes.... it's a tool I use a lot, and you might like it.
Another book I recommend, if you want to read about a marriage that survived infidelity... written from the viewpoint of the husband AND the wife.... (a couple who divorced, by the way) is "Surprised by Love" by Dr. Jay and Julie Kent-Ferraro. Though they don't identify Dr. Jay as having an MLC, when I read it, it had all the hallmarks of one as far as I'm concerned.... I also felt his attitude throughout their reconciliation and remarriage to be all about HIM still, though he did see what a blessing his wife was... still very SELFISH and I imagine in a couple of years, another layer might be revealed. It is VERY revealing to hear "from the horses mouth" how he felt about his affair partner, and boy was SHE a gem, LOL!! It's juicy reading, and I read it cover to cover on my flight to Dallas from PA....
Don't beat yourself up, and don't worry about standing or not standing. I have NO idea why I'm standing.... I know that I'm surprised I didn't divorce my husband as soon as I found out about OW....REALLY surprised, LOL!!
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LL,
I think it's great that you have reached a point where you are questioning your interactions with your exH. I am also divorced from my MLCer and I still have to see him and deal with him because we have two children (S12 & D10).
He is an angry MLcer and just ran from everything and everyone - he has married the OW (an exGF from 27 years ago) and he now lives and works back up in the north of England (she lives and works down south and he was there most of the time between November 2010 until he got a new job in early June). The time he was living away gave me much needed breathing space from him and his antics. BD was on October 1st 2009 so he's moved at breakneck speed to get on with his new life.
I was very worried for a time that I was avoiding dealing with my issues and him. I can only share what I did to help me move towards a good (very good) place. I stopped myself at every interaction with anyone which caused my heart to quicken or my pulse to race and checked in with why I was feeling the way I was, what I was about to do and why.....and whether there was a better course of action for me. I became very aware of me and how I was living my life - didn't want to take anything for granted.
I looked at my life, which had been shattered into a million bits, and picked up each piece and decided whether I wanted this in my 'new life'. I have to say that I had worked out a very good idea of the kind of person I wanted to be in my future (for me and my kids) and I measured everything against that vision of the 'future me.'
I realised that I had lots of things to work through - stuff which went back to my childhood and I had to relearn a load of behaviours which had become part and parcel of me at BD (I admit living with a very angry MLCer when I didn't have a clue about MLC brought out a very combatative side to me) and I needed to jettison those unfavourable bits.
LL, I think there are no shortcuts to building the 'new LL' and change is always hard but I once read it takes 21 days to break a habit and as we have this 'gift of time' it makes sense to invest it wisely in the person who really matters - you!
This LBS Journey which people talk about is a constant work in progress and we have to do something every single day towards working through our issues and becoming the best version of us imaginable.
This is a very thought provoking thread, I've just realised I'm 'avoiding' talking to my exH about a specific issue as I don't want to test my detachment from him with this contentious issue - but I've got to do it......
((hugs))
P
xx
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LL,
I just wanted to speak to forgiveness. I can't remember if it was RCR or Michele Weiner Davis who said it, but
"Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself".
What I've always taken that to mean is that forgiveness means not letting a moment of pain (or lets face it, months and months of it) own you. You are not your pain. You are LisaLives. We all feel our pain, we should. But never ever let that pain own you. That is forgiveness, and it truly is a gift for you. Your H's remorse is not necessary to give yourself this gift. See?
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I wrote something earlier and lost it. I am really not in as much pain as I seem to have communicated. I was just wondering from someone who has detached how long it takes to not have those kicks in the gut or will I have them forever and it's normal? I am prepared for the kick in the gut when they finally announce their wedding, but if they announce their pregnancy, am I supposed to be happy? Do you get to that point?
And how do you know when you've detached? I love Byron Katie and the best books I read about grief and recovery were The Grief Recovery Handbook and The Gift of Betrayal. I forgive him. I really do, but is it so wrong to just want him out of my life if he doesn't want to be married anymore? I don't want to be friends with him and his new wife. Is that wrong and not showing detachment? I have worked on me, and will for the rest of my life, but do I have to continue working on us forever? I did not ask for a different relationship--am I just being a spoiled brat because I don't want to work on one?
And is it different for standers. If I really truly was committed to wanting him back, would I believe friendship was a first step? And is the fact that I really can't imagine him ever getting to a point where I want him back my real hurdle? I just don't understand why I would invest in a relationship with a man who threw me under the bus once before when I have a lot of other people I could be great friends with... I feel like he will have the power to hurt me forever--every time he does something with her that should have been mine and I don't feel a need to subject myself to that forever. I imagine the hurt will be less with time, but does it ever go away totally?
And maybe my answer will never really be found here because this site is for standers and if you stand forever, you will always pave the way and want to be friends and that's why none of it makes sense to me.
But really I am not in as much pain as I seem to have communicated. I like my life, and I think that in itself is painful and scary--that I am truly living the life he wanted in so many ways, without him--that I am having fun and enjoy the absence of his dark cloud and judgment, but then he continues to reinsert himself and her in new and surprising ways every time I turn around and find a new little bit of success. I was having a great month until he came into town, and he had to be a downer again--maybe that's what's so hard. Every time I pick up the pieces he comes around and knocks me down again. There was a lot more than I communicated, but I just want to be left alone to not have to deal with his craziness--so no, I don't think he is detached, and does that make it harder for me to detach? Will he try to raise my hackles forever and if that's true how tough to I have to be to detach?
You know I just look at all the other stories on here and I wonder who has the tougher road? I just want some peace, you know. I feel like if he wanted out then he should go. I would stand if I thought it was easier, I did love him, I will love him forever, but I am not going to go back to junior high and fight some other b#$%^ for him! I feel exasperated, more than in pain. I have to much to do to start a new career and take care of two teen boys to worry about his narcissistic temper tantrum! Anyway, now I am ranting! So many good things are happening at my job this week, and I want to just be happy, but he continues today, to rain on my parade!!!!
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LL,
I will speak for myself, and only myself. I do not want to be friends with my H. If he were openly with OW - and introducing her to our kids - I would not want to be friends with either of them.
That said, when I see my H, I am kind. I do not attempt to communicate with him. At this point, there is very little contact or communication. Our last face to face was so that he could ask for a divorce. He is so immersed in Replay - there is really not much "paving" that can be done - in my eyes.
Regarding your H, he is still way deep in Replay. Marrying an "old girlfriend" from 27 years ago is an attempt to re-live a time that has long ago passed. (Replay, Replay, Replay). My H got involved with his first wife from 38 years ago (when he was 20).....This is truly an attempt to re-do their younger years. Reality will hit - someday ...just not today.
Being able to communicate with your ex-H on a "friendly" - if not buddy way - is important - because you have kids. And that "kick in the stomach" feeling that you get when you're around your H (ex-H) and he treats you like a stranger.....as you detach - you will feel that less and less. It really hurt me to be around my H - in the early days - it is better now. But, of course, I am not around him very much.
Take care, LL. And, please keep posting.
Hugs,
L
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"I am prepared for the kick in the gut when they finally announce their wedding, but if they announce their pregnancy, am I supposed to be happy?"
No, and that's what is great about this site. There are a few people on here who've had to deal with the MLCer marrying the OP, and there are a few who've had to deal with the MLCer getting OW pregnant.
"I don't want to be friends with him and his new wife. Is that wrong and not showing detachment?"
I don't think wrong or not showing detachment.
Here is info from the friendship article. Notice these are for times when friendship with the MLCer is NON active.
No Contact, Friendship is non-active
Monster or Replayers
•Your MLCer is openly involved in an affair.
•Your MLCer is taunting you with the infidelity.
•Your MLCer is taunting you with legal tactics.
•Your MLCer is being Monster, spewing--blame and projection.
Cake-Eaters
•Your MLCer is being needy and wants to lean on you without helping himself.
•Your MLCer wants you to baby and take care of him--S-Mother warning!
•Your MLCer wants a relationship with you and the OW.
"do I have to continue working on us forever?"
From Standing-Clarifying the Concept.
Right now, in the midst of crisis with your spouse working against your relationship, you might be working without your partner. Later, if your MLCer chooses to return, you will work together. I use the term Standing to refer to the solitary period when your MLCer is either uncertain or running away--before a return which may or may not happen. If your MLCer chooses to return, the two of you will rebuild your marriage together.
"would I believe friendship was a first step?"
I do not believe friendship is a first step. I believe Paving the Way is a first step. But Paving the Way is not pursuing, nor is it necessarily anything you actively do. Paving the Way simply means that you do not react to his behavior......which means he will eventually stop reacting because you are not reacting. Paving the Way will start to make him feel safe with you....which in many ways he already does. MLC is the fear.
"I feel like he will have the power to hurt me forever"
Only if you give it to him.
"And maybe my answer will never really be found here because this site is for standers and if you stand forever, you will always pave the way and want to be friends and that's why none of it makes sense to me."
Like RCR wrote to you yesterday, it's likely that few will stand forever. Especially if you are one who takes the view of Standing being like sitting in a hospital waiting room wondering when the doctor will release your spouse from his MLC.
Paving the Way is not about actively trying to catch a fish....it's about respectful interactions with anyone.
"so no, I don't think he is detached, and does that make it harder for me to detach?"
In my opinion....yes, it does make it harder. Look at how hard it is for someone who has a Clinging Boomerang to detach.
"but I am not going to go back to junior high and fight some other b#$%^ for him!"
From one of the Standing articles:
Standers give up the fight--the power struggle. Thus the MLCer has nothing with the spouse to fight against. Standing is about Passive Resistance.
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Well, it sounds as if you are GALing just fine.... but you have many questions as to why his actions still hurt you. Maybe you haven't ACCEPTED that his MLC isn't intentional... depressed people are literally trying to SAVE themselves at all cost.... they cannot THINK straight.... the OW is just another F'd up person, and only a F'd up person can understand and want an MLCer.... she makes it easy and peaceful for him in the beginning, then when it becomes toxic, they feel STUCK out of FEAR. The FEAR is irrational, so you can do nothing to "wake them up" or "get them to see what they are doing that is hurtful".
You have every right to be angry, and I propose that if my husband were lying in a coma for 19 months, I'd be ANGRY... just not at HIM. Anger is an emotion that will eat you up, and don't I know it..... it is "arguing with reality" to be angry with a sick person. So, maybe the more empathy you can feel for someone, regardless of their destructive and hurtful actions, the less ANGER you carry.... IDK. I still get ANGRY, though I've been through the purging of an ANGER STAGE.
When my husband moved in with his OW and signed a year lease on their apartment they found, TOGETHER.... paid for secretly with OUR FAMILY MONEY.... then bought new furniture and a $2000 bed.....I had no CHOICE but to accept that he was going to be gone at least for a year, but that the lease alone would entangle them further and make it harder for him to get out of the affair. ACCEPTING it allowed me to be fairly neutral towards him whenever I saw him, which wasn't often. Spending Christmas with OW and her kids brought out my ANGER again.... who is that detached that it doesn't hurt?
Point is, detachment comes with ACCEPTING your situation.... "loving what is" which is a daily PRACTICE that I don't always follow.... it's ok to not be perfect!!
You obviously still care about your husband.... please don't listen to the advice from real life people who tell you you should be over it by now.... it is THEM uncomfortable with YOUR situation.... since they aren't in it, why do they get to determine how you feel? They'd better hope it never happens to them is all I can say... It's happening right now for my best friend, and she THINKS she knows what she is doing, but I am seeing her swirl, just like I did when she told me to get over it...
When your husband is visiting your neighbors, what is he DOING to YOU?? NOTHING!! You can disagree with his choices, with what he did to his family, marriage, kids.... what he is still doing.... but he is allowed to live his life, even if you disagree. He doesn't live with you, so how is he torturing you? I suspect you do want him back, but feel like you shouldn't because of what he's done. Everything is forgivable, or so I've been told.... IDK... I"m having a tough time with forgiveness right now... I don't know what a restored marriage to my husband would look like cuz he is still a nutcase.... but I do still love him.... his heart, that is.
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L, I agree. I treat my H friendly - as in courteous and kind, but we are NOT friends. Friendship is reserved for peole I trust and who care about me. H, if he ever chooses to do so, would have a lot of work ahead of him to get me to trust him again.
Lots of work.
As for standing, yes I am standing. More like standing as keeping my options open though, not so much as a plan for my future.
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Lisa, Sorry I can't be there for YOU now, I have to work nights the rest of the week. Thanks for being there for ME the other night. I so understand buttttt it does get better if you remember you only have control over yourself and how you handle the situations. I totally ignore the X. We can be in the same room and he has no control over me anymore. But the kicks in the guts is always going to happen because ya'll still have the kids together. They will do FUN stuff with the X while you are home cleaning up this weeks messes. Don't be to hard on youself--- just learn to ignore the shanaigans for the X. Somethimes they are looking to get a reaction out of you. You know my feelings on standing. I'm standing for myself and to make the best possible life for my kids and grandkids. Sometimes you have to admit defeat in a battle to win the war.
I really enjoyed talking to you the other night. Hope things lighten up for you soon. Take care.
Your friend
TheNewBecky
hugs and understanding from new orleans
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What I see Lisa...(of course we cant read emotions in text form) but what I read here is that you still must love your H.
I see that very clearly...I also see your pain, whether you realise it or not.I do see it.
Your life was ripped out from underneath you as all of ours were. It hurts! and its make us ANGRY! we are ALL entitled
to be angry and hurt...just don't let it "define" you.
Now, I go as far as Being my H's "friend" and I have had Long R talks with my H about us and the OW r. Yep..done
all the things told not to do..LOL!!!
But my version of friendship may be a tad bit different them some, We started out as friends and I want to rebuild
that part because we lost it some years ago. So regardless of what he has done or is doing, I am able to be his
friend...even if he never returned. But that is just me. I don't ask anyone to do what I do. Its all what you can handle
in your own skin. no one elses, right?
I see that maybe your questioning your stand or the lack of stand here...reach in YOUR heart and listen the YOUR truths.
The answers are always there LL....always.
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Regarding your H, he is still way deep in Replay. Marrying an "old girlfriend" from 27 years ago is an attempt to re-live a time that has long ago passed. (Replay, Replay, Replay). My H got involved with his first wife from 38 years ago (when he was 20).....This is truly an attempt to re-do their younger years. Reality will hit - someday ...just not today.
That's not my H, he found an understanding young colleague. He is not trying to go back to a past life, he is searching for parental approval by finally marrying someone in the right field. But not a big deal, they're all crazy!
Thanks L and MF--I think your rebuilding process will be good for others also! I wish I could say I had been that smart but I wasn't. If it helps anyone, I'll recount part of that here, too.
I had a lot of things forced on me really quickly. Needing health insurance for myself and kid with a cancer diagnosis and being forced to close a business put my entire life in turmoil. I did nothing but react for about a year. I tried to think about what I wanted and where I wanted to go, but it seemed like every day I had to make some small decision that forced my hand. When you own a business, it's the little decisions that trip you up, even when things are normal--to renew or not to renew--commitments seem to expire every day. I tried to think about the business I had, the career I left, what I might want to do in an ideal world and wore out a couple friends by deciding, somtimes in the same day that I would move back home, go back to college on the other coast, or find some rich sugar daddy in China where there are no women... Yes, I remember giving it more than a minute's consideration ;-)...
I promised myself that I had one year to be insane and in January when that year was up, I sat myself down and said I was done with the insanity, that he was not going to get it together so I needed to get it together. Then everything just started to happen, and I let it. Things still weren't going the way I wanted them to, but I tried to be "quiet." I had a job land in my lap, not a perfect job, but an unbelievable stepping stone that I can work with, and the business and all the other things in my life just started to "work out." I had to release a lot of anger and work hard on forgiveness--I had a business partner, so I had to go through two divorces at once and really, nothing went the way I wanted it to.
And after the dust started to settle, I think what I am finally realizing after reading through all the posts others have left here is that I wanted to believe that he was just done with me and could move on. That once I picked up all the pieces of my life, we could both just go our separate ways and call it done. I think that what I understand is that I had a really hard time with detaching in the beginning, and when I finally let go a little, when I really went dark becuase I finally realized that no matter how many times or in what way I kept asking the question, I might never get the answer I need--WHY?--he realized he could not detach as easily as he thought and that's why just when I started to get more stable, he started to get more unstable--thus setting my precarious sense of balance off again.
I have no idea what he is processing or going through and I honestly don't even want to speculate, so in that regard I have detached enough that possibly because I have not let myself think about how he is dealing with moving, moving away from his kids, moving in with her and her kids, starting a new job, an earthquake, a hurricane, getting married, and who knows what else, I did not allow myself to prepare for the fact that he might be a little unsettled and might try to pass that off on me--again--in the same way I had to take the blame for the failure of our marriage. I guess I figured she would get to do that, and maybe she is, but maybe I am still in the mix--if he can get me to pick up the rope.
And that's it, isn't it, I am avoiding, I know that. I have dealt with bits and pieces and eaten huge hunks in some periods, but detaching is harder if they won't let you. Anyway, more processing out loud, but I should be working...
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http://www.huffingtonpost.com/annette-powers/weathering-the-storm_1_b_944230.html
I love the HP divorce section. Just when I needed it, this article appeared.
I admit it, I want to be perfect and I hate when I'm not. If I could not be perfectly married, I want to be perfectly detached and perfectly stable and a perfect sinlge parent. But he always finds a way to smash my perfect facade. I have a friend always likes to remind me "Lisa, there is such a thing as good enough." I need to start accepting that I can be good enough and that's enough... Then I don't have to avoid every feeling and situation I can't fix or control...
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I don't really have anything to add, LL just liked the way you counselled yourself through using the thread and the feedback.
You have helped me by just setting up the question of detachment/avoidance. I think I'm avoiding (but I'm really pursuing!) and when I think about being detached I know I'm really avoiding my attachment!!! If that makes any sense??!!
Sil x
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I came across this the other day. Written by Martha Beck who I always think manages to say things succinctly.
It's all about detachment. Loving but no longer caring about behaviours or outcome.
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Love-Unconditionally-Martha-Becks-Advice/1