Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Standing in Patience on September 13, 2011, 08:15:44 PM
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Is it because they are inattentive? Or because they are so wrapped up in the OW or OM? Is it because their decision making becomes warped? Is it because they can't get up in the morning to get to their jobs? Do they quit or get fired?
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All of the above.
Heck, I almost lost my job after the bomb drop, from the stress and the lack of sleep.
Some of it probably also has to do with "discovering themselves"; aside from their marriage, their job is probably the other major thing they think is contributing to their unhappiness. So they may think they want to change careers, or try something more creative or "fulfilling". Maybe they want to live closer to an OP, or farther away from the people they think are making them unhappy.
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Mauby all that you've sair Standing. But some, like my husband, manage to ditch the job he had when he was still at home, and end up with 3 jobs! The man does not sleep!
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Mine was lucky to keep her temporary job. She was constantly late. She still forgets everything. It is something that happens when they become teenagers all over again. I mean she would leave something on the stove and almost burn the pot.
So, I think many things go into losing the job. However, some even become more successful and bury themselves in their work. They even get promoted. Go figure.
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Their job is one of what Jim Conway calls the "Four Enemies" of the MLCer (spouse, job, body, and God). Many MLCers want to quit their job. Mine actually did quit, but went back to it.
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I agree with DGU; I've seen him fight against all 4 of those "enemies". BD was the day before he started a new job (was desperate to get away from old one, thought it was what was bad), has since lost that one, and left 2 others because they weren't "it" either. Is now on 4th new venture.
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So, I think many things go into losing the job. However, some even become more successful and bury themselves in their work. They even get promoted. Go figure.
Mine kept her job by leaving family, country and everything to live in other country where her company had relocated to and to live with OM who works for company. The prospect of job loss was a major trigger that "sent her over the edge". She got a big salary increase to boot! But she has lost her children. What profit a man if he gain the whole world but lose his own soul?
honour
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The depression that is part of the MLCers journey means that they often are not able to function effectively. Time means nothing. Planning is difficult. Making decisions effectively is lacking. Despite this they are often able to function in an environment that they know, to an acceptable level. But new environments or jobs that require constant change makes the MLC less capable.
Many MLCers who start new jobs during this period struggle to learn new skills etc.
As the depression increases during their journey their ability to be an efficient member of a team is tested with other team members supporting them and their role. This can and does cause problems for them as it tests the patience of colleagues.
xx
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I think it does affect their work. If they were workaholics to start with as my H is, he still works very hard but people are getting on his nerves and he is not making appointments on time and has started going to do work at odd hours in order to avoid the people that know him well. He told me he would prefer to work alone because everyone irritates him.
I have a feeling they lose their jobs due to not being able to perform to the level that they use to because there mind is full of fog.
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My H was always a few minutes late for limo driving. I used to try a cajole him to move faster and get there on time. he acted like I was a nag.
Now.. 7 mos since BD ..He got fired. Guess who he blames..?
No not me. His boss! " My boss is an a**Hole"
LOL I guess he'll have to live off the 3k he took out of his 401K.
Until he finds a new job. :) (on vicodin! everyone drug tests)
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Mine should have lost his job when his affair with OW was going on (before BD). He was constantly skipping work and missing meetings for their
sordid "romantic" :o afternoons in cheap hotels (very nice). But lucky for him he is part of an employee delegation to the government of the country that he lives in, so they it is VERY hard for them to fire him. He did get reprimanded (how embarrassing at senior management level, you say? no, no, my MLCers shame is hidden so deep beneath a veil of self pity - his colleaugues didn't understand him :o :o :o).
After he moved out I think his job performance took a serious nose-dive and even now, when he bothers talking to me at all, he usually mentions being unhappy in his job. When he left I told him we could not afford for him to lose his job. We will see what happens...
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My ex has always been hopeless administratively at work but I used to remind him about things. I don't do that anymore and he has messed up on more than one occasion with people not knowing where he is or not arranging cover, etc.
He was staying up until ridiculous hours before BD to get work done (as well as emailing OW as it turns out) and it looks like he is doing just the same now. Apparently he has sent emails at 1:30am, 3:00am and then gets into work late (which he has always done).
Apparently he completely messed up on a project just before BD which I have only learned about recently. I suspect it was because he was too busy meeting up with OW when he was supposed to be working at home!
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Quote from Umare:
I have a feeling they lose their jobs due to not being able to perform to the level that they use to because there mind is full of fog.
I think this is very true. My H is a freelancer, so it allows him a great deal of freedom and he's not working with the same people every day.
I remember reading somewhere that so many of them lose their jobs because they no longer care what they say to anyone.
Their social filters must be 'off' in all areas of their lives. Work is merely another.
I am amazed that H has managed to keep working at the pace that he has but it is his addiction. It's one of the few things that he's hung onto in his sinking ship. Plus, he gets enormous amount of ego stroking from it - so of course he will keep going YICK!
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My H is into his 3rd job since BD,
The second one only lasted about 2 days....
The fog thickens and he cannot function.
Wonder if this one will last?
HUGS
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I just found out my husband was just promomoted to a job he has been wanting and working toword for a long time. I don't see him so I have no idea of his work ethic these days. I know he had to interview for the job so maybe his mask is really good. He is a workaholic and his assistant protects and covers for him. I was told right after BD 3/11 that he would lock himself in his office for hours and not talk to anyone and also would go to bar after work and drink his dinner. I asked assistant about it and she said no he is fine. I thought she was my friend also but I found out differently later.
Searching
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My H almost lost his job....ended up only working 2 days a week the last month before he was told he needed to straighten
up...but, The deep depression really prevented him from properly functioning as he has to "think" being a
Industrial computer programmer and designer...so I guess his job he has to think 3 steps ahead, like chess?
He would have gotten fired if he didnt force himself to go. I really think the depression gets them stuck with their jobs.
They just cant function on any normal level.
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What profit a man if he gain the whole world but lose his own soul?
No profit at all. But they are unable to realise they are losing their soul. To them, they are having the world.
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"What profit a man if he gain the whole world but lose his own soul?"
Very good scripture. Mark 8:36.
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xh is unemployed since Jan 2011
for the past four years he has gone through three different companies.
In 2008 before our divorce, he was taking long lunch hours ( a few times taking me out behind ow back, and confessed going home to sleep) going inot work late and leaving early.
I do think the fog is thick.
I emember him telling me, he does not know what career he should chose, among the many was a politician, an actor he even mentioned a taxi driver.
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Dollard That's funny. Mine was talking about taking helicopter flying lessons right before BD. I think I must've laughed in his face. :o
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Well this thread is timely. My H has just got a new job - he will start in the new year. He has left the place where he had the affair (I think OW is still working there, but I don't ask, or care) and where he has been unhappy for "years". He has never had a job that he remains happy in for more than a year. His new job is very senior in a global company and he will be managing a big team for the first time. I wonder how long it will take him to dislike the new job. I assume that, as always, there will be a honeymoon period, but also knowing H, I know that the role will be the ego boost he needs to show off to everyone, even once he is miserable in the new job (which if old patterns are anything to go by, he will be). In the meantime he is out of work now for a couple of months. I will be interested to see how having time on his hands affects him.
I have no idea where he is at with MLC. OW is still in the picture (she won't be going anywhere while his salary is growing) and he will no doubt be on a new job "high" for some time. In the meantime I think that standing may be coming to a close for me. I wonder if H has just had a crisis, and has made peace with his decisions and is now moving forward with his life without making any necessary changes to himself. He is going back to old patterns (the ones that got him into crisis in the first place). He could be like this for years and I do not want to wait it out. I am young enough that I can still accomplish a lot in life, forge ahead with a career, raise my children and possibly have more children with someone else. I do not want to rush into anything, I am not desperate for a relationship, but I do miss companionship and someone who has my well-being in his thoughts. Saying a final farewell to my H and to my marriage may be sad, but I feel like I need to really move forward. I don't like divorce, I don't like what it means for my children, but they are living that reality already. I hope that they can recover a relationship with their father, but I don't know him at all anymore and I feel that the water under the bridge in terms of things that were said and done is quite massive. All relationships are hard work, and I just don't believe that building a new positive relationship with a new person, who gets the new me, the me who continues to work on herself, could possibly be harder work that rebuilding the marriage and the many many issues that came to play at BD with my H. I really do wish him well and hope that he can find himself one day, and maybe I am too superficial or something, but I have always been sensitive and I have always cared deeply for the people in my life, and I can forgive him his cruelty and his insensitivity, but I don't know if inviting it all back into my life is the answer. And the one thing I have thought alot about is whether I should just grow a thicker skin. BUt I don't think that this is the answer, because although it can sometimes be a flaw (I am oversensitive about what others think of me) it is also a strength (I remain sensitive, insightful and empathetic and thoughtful about the people around me).
He has chosen his trajectory, perhaps as part of an ongoing crisis, perhaps during a crisis that is now over. I don't know. I do know that I have given and given and given in my R with him, even since BD - if we consider that NEVER sharing our own feelings with another person is giving in to their method of dehumanising us. True, he may not care. True, he may even hold my feelings against me, but actually, so what? Why pander to that particularly pathetic way of being? I have made no demands on H since some time last March and I am so sick of analysing his every move. And you can tell me that I have not detached but if that is true then really no-one on this board has detached because we are all guilty of coming on here and picking apart our interactions with our abandoners.
I need to be honest, I am a woman in the prime of her life - I want someone to hold my hand, I want someone to kiss me and tease me. I want someone to look at me a certain way. I want to share "inside" jokes with someone. I want to finish someone's sentences and then catch each other at it and laugh. Pathetic? I don't know. I think the desire for connectivity and family and community is deep rooted in humanity. I wonder at the idea that being autonomously independant should make us the most happy. I am perfectly capable of being alone and looking after myself and my children. Do I want to live my life that way? No, I would never have married in the first place if I wanted to spend my life autonomously on my own. I do not want a relationship where I am dependent on someone again, but I also do not want to believe that it is impossible to share my life with someone without being co-dependent. I have changed a lot in the almost year since BD. A lot. I am a work in progress, but that will be true of me for the rest of my life. Does that mean I should remain alone (except for if H wants me back one day?). I don't know.
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My ex H was "dismissed" from his job the end of June. He and his OW worked together but once their affair was exposed she was going to be transferred to another location..........she didn't like the idea so she quit. My ex told me he tried to talk her out of quitting........but he had purchased her a vehicle and since she was no longer employed he got "stuck" with the monthly payments......and she refused to give the vehicle back to him.......for at least a month........but he finally got it back and sold it off. This all occurred approximately 4 months after he left me. Anyway, he was told at the time that he needed to find another job.........his boss and other employees no longer wanted him there. His boss had compassion for him and didn't want to fire him even though he got involved with a subordinate. My ex H worked in the government sector so he was a merit employee......as anyone may or may not know, it's really hard firing someone from a government position. Anyway, my ex H made "minor" attempts to finding another job but eventually he stopped trying.......after all, nearly two years had gone by. But, during this time my ex H was on medication which he was abusing. He was also drinking a lot. I understand that he also dated another employee (temporarily)........then something in her personnel file disappeared. My ex H was blamed for it and told to resign.......leave. At first he refused to submit his resignation but then 3 weeks after he was "let go" he attempted suicide. After the hospital stay and a few weeks of therapy he finally submitted his resignation. He never liked the job anyway. He has a retirement to live on and until the end of this month he has also been receiving a paycheck. He's been looking for another job.........but I don't know how much effort he has been putting into it. Most recently he told me in an email that he has nothing to look forward to and he never dreamed his life would end up like this. Karma???