Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Standing in Patience on September 14, 2011, 02:29:26 PM
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Am curious? Could it have been stopped? I think some here said they did.
Could a PA go back to a EA and then back to a friend and then they have no feelings for each other?
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I suppose it's possible, but I wouldn't try it; you're more likely to push the two of them together the more that you fight the OP.
Your MLCer is going to do what they want to do.
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Im not sure if someone going through MLC can "stop" it from going further...Everyone is so different.
but normal people can....It happens all the time.
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HB says that sometimes we and our spouse both yank them out of the crisis, only having them return to a much bigger and deeper crisis further on down the track.
If it's MLC - nothing you do will help.
I think I yanked my H out of crisis #1 about 10 years ago. Put a holt to his EA back then. I really wish I hadn't now.
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At the best of times I dont think we can stop anything and with MLC there's no point trying.
At the end of the day, our W/H needs to WANT to be with us and not allow EA's totake place. We all have those choices and are responsible for our actions...I talk of regular sane life here!
MLC? PLEASE! I dont think they even know what EA means anymore! I think my H saw it as maning that this was a PA waiting to happen as long as he could get away from me. DIdnt happen , so now he is alone
There would be no point trying to step in or rationalise with a person in MLC
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Yes, is it possible to stop a EA from ebcoming an PA. Many times that does happen. But I think not in MLC. In MLC theb affair is about emotions, not the sex or physical attraction.
A PA can also go back to an EA, or to friendship. It can also go from PA to frienship and then no feelings. Or from PA and then no feelings. A PA does not require friendship.
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Kikki,
How did you yank your h from the EA? What did you say that made your h stop it? How did he stop himself that time even though he was destined to become a future mlcer?
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Standing - well, I discovered the phone records, I phoned the OW and told her what I thought of her (I knew her too - vaguely), I kicked him out of the house and told him he wasn't going to set foot back in it while he was communicating with her, and that if it was a PA to not ever bother coming back.
AND I MEANT IT!
But, in hindsight, although he was in a weird foggy tunnel, he was no where nearly so far in as he became this time.
Somewhere - I was still able to reach him. This time - no way - he's a fully blown loon.......
The funny thing is that once he came out of the fog properly a few months later (first time round) he often mentioned what a dysfunctional and destructive person the OW was???
A few months before BD 19months ago, he mentioned that OW2 (still an EA then) knew of OW1 and that she had a reputation for having affairs with married men.
Shock horror! My H and OW2 both thought she was AWFUL!!! So distateful these types of women - I would have to wonder what OW2 now thinks she is? Oh that's right - his soul mate - I forgot there for a moment ......
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Although we say that OW is nothing but a bandaid... a distraction... means nothing.... would be someone else if not her..... I believe that many times the MLCer is working through some FOO issues with his particular OW/OM.... In the beginning they are attracted to qualities that seem to be admirable to them, but as soon as some time has passed, they often times complain about OW/OM as being just like their MOM, or too much like THEM....
This is only a theory based on a very small amount of anecdotal evidence.
Given that the OW/OM DOES actually serve a purpose, stopping it from being a PA doesn't really make sense.... EA or PA, it's still a betrayal and separation from the marriage... bringing a third person into the mix... giving them importance.... allowing them control and influence....
For the record, I absolutely HATE the PA..... I have resisted accepting this part of the MLC process tooth and nail.... I HATE it... but after 19 months, I'm seeing that the power has shifted BACK to my marriage and to me, so I'm not as threatened by OW relationship.... I know where she's headed. I still hate it, but I know he is working some stuff out with her (yuck!).... so now, the PA is essentially just a used tissue that needs to go to the rubbish bin.... eventually.
Don't focus on trying to stop it.... you really can't. :'(
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Although we say that OW is nothing but a bandaid... a distraction... means nothing.... would be someone else if not her..... I believe that many times the MLCer is working through some FOO issues with his particular OW/OM.... In the beginning they are attracted to qualities that seem to be admirable to them, but as soon as some time has passed, they often times complain about OW/OM as being just like their MOM, or too much like THEM....
LG this makes sense. Otherwise, what on earth would the irrational major pull be to that other person?
Our MLCers certainly can't seem to explain it
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And if you do try to stop it...I believe that you also take the risk of stopping the MLC process there for causing it to rear its ugly
head AGAIN down the road, 10 fold...believe me...Been there done that!! and NO FUN!!
Let it ride out...It sucks, but trying to put a wedge in there can be a bad move.
Just my .02 :)
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I am in agreement with most here. With a normal affair and a "normal" person exposure of the affair or the potential affair typically ends it. With MLC that does not happen. It's really one of the "signs" that the spouse is in a MLC. For lots of reasons I won't get into now, I discovered and uncovered the affair. H lied when I asked him about it post BD. Supposedly OW called it off the day I discovered it. Within a few weeks or days, it was back on. This is how I knew he was MLC, and it was likely the OW was too. Once that ball is rolling, there is no way to stop it with MLC. We must let it roll. The MLCer has lessons to learn from that affair.
I've had the "fun" experience of watching it move from an EA to PA to EA to "friendship" to nothing. He sees the bad things in her now, etc., etc. This is played out as they try to end the affair. Many of them try to retain a friendship or whatever. The MLCer wants to continue to be the good guy and has a difficult time just ending it period. LG is seeing this. I've lived this. Mermaid has seen it in the EA of her husband. I think it's part of the whole clinging boomerang thing.
LG is absolutely right. It doesn't matter if it is PA or EA. It is a betrayal and an interference in the marriage. The actions we take as they try to end the affair and call it a friendship or whatever will vary as we are individuals. Until that relationship is OVER though, the things we will do as we try to reconcile will be a kind of paving the way. Although my H has been home for almost 11 months now, in hindsight, those first few months were mainly reconnecting. The things we worked on in reconciling our marriage were building blocks that could fall apart as long as OW was some how still in the picture.
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This is a really interesting question.
For the record, my H still says he did not have an EA with his co-worker, two years ago (BD followed my discovery of Mr. & Mrs. Secret Friends).
I say he did indeed as per the strict definition of EA such as secrecy, and so on. They spent alot of lunches together (she is a co-worker) and went out for drinks a few times (supposedly others were there too but I doubt that). She called him "Babe" as witnessed by the text message I discovered. He swore then and now that it was never physical. (I will never really know that though for sure, will I?)
At the time, my biggest fear was that it would turn into a PA. Now, looking back, I've often wondered if it would have made a difference but I can't really know that unless I experienced it. For me, the emotional betrayal through lying and his obvious glee when she would contact him was nearly enough to sink our relationship. It certainly damaged trust between us for the next hundred years or so. But would it have been worse if it was indeed physical? I don't know. Sometimes I think yes, sometimes I think no.
As to the original question, I did in fact intercede but I don't believe that had any bearing on it turning physical or not (assuming again that it didn't). I called her directly (I knew nothing of MLCs or how to deal with them at that time) and told her that her relationship with my H was OVER with the exception of work issues.
I told him the same thing and told him he had to choose between her and me. Since he has been relatively low energy, is this something he would not have gone further with anyway? Or did I snap him into reality somewhat? I think the answer is the former. I think he is just low energy to begin with. I do know though that just prior to my finding out about her, they had plans to meet ALONE on a weekend and he told me I was not invited and that her husband would not be there either. Supposedly this was for him to see her dogs run...how stupid is that. I told him if he went, he would not find me at home when he returned. He didn't go. I also told him if he ever had a PA, we were done.
So I just don't know what my reactions did or did not do. Interesting topic.
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So at the beginning I did speak with her and told her that I noticed inappropriate behavior between them and she said "I didn't mean to cause trouble." I now realize that her response was not just an acknowledgement that she was involved but really an admission (projection) that she was going to cause trouble. Of course, the fault is also with my h.
I didn't tell my h of the conversation unless after h left. Did I screw up? Should I have told h that I had confronted her right away? Should I have gotten her sorry a$$ fired? She worked for my h, of course.
Would that have stopped the EA from going to a PA? Woulda, coulda, shoula?
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When I discovered the OW about 3 weeks after my ex H moved out I confronted him. The proof was in the cell phone bill..........texting between them like 24/7........I kid you not........and they worked in the same office! Anyway, he had been drinking when I confronted him. He said she was just lonely and he felt sorry for her...........REALLY?? What really got my goat was the fact that I attended an office gathering with him and he introduced the witch to me.........at the time I had no idea and they had been "involved" for about a month. Well, she also had text him her concerns for me.......being alone during the holidays.......and how awful it must be for me to be alone.......yeah, right, like she really cared about me. That was another OW game. I didn't know what was going on at the time......didn't realize it was MLC. So, I also confronted her through text messages/a few phone calls. Anyway, she eventually quit her job because their affair was exposed. The tension in their office was so thick you could cut it with a knife! Then, once their fling was over my ex H hooked up with yet his second OW.....an old high school classmate. I'm not sure about the second affair but I know the first one went PA after the EA. I think the second one never made it that far..........not sure. I also made contact with the second OW through Facebook and even talked with her on the phone. In her defense, my ex lied to her and told her we were divorced.............she believed him. I tried to set it straight with her and she broke up with him but apparently he lied to her some more and then she came after me with claws out.......saying all kinds of hateful nasty things to me. Well, their whatever only lasted about 3 months. I don't understand why any decent woman with morals would want to be with a married man and/or a man who cheated on his wife..........don't they realize what they are asking for?
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I don't understand why any decent woman with morals would want to be with a married man and/or a man who cheated on his wife..........don't they realize what they are asking for?
I think you answered yourself well.
And, isn't it touching that OW1 was concerned about your being alone on the holidays? She is such a saint. NOT!!!