Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: faithled on September 15, 2011, 03:25:19 PM
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:'( Our anniversary is tomorrow, and although I am very thankful how God moved me from a full-time jobto a good part time months ago, and my teenage boys are all doing so much better.....I have a Boomerang who wants to keep "coparenting" all the time, even tho they live with me, and other than e-mails about the boys, he ignores me. I worked hard in my communication to balance appropriate boundaries with the boys' needs, and when he could be at the house. I filed last Dec. for legal sparation when I found out about OW.....the process is supposed to be completing soon, as my husband has a business and was dragging his heels. All that to say, I put my foot down to explain to him that once we are legally separated, I will not discuss anything financial with him, in other words not ask his permission to buy things the boys need. I also told him it is recommended he not visit at the house at that time as well, which he does now while I am at work, 3 evenings a week. (Sometimes he stays a bit, sometimes just quick). This was by e-mail one week ago....he has not initiated contact with me since.
The flood of emotions of sadness this afternoon was almost debilitating as I approach our anniversary tomorrow. It would not be rational from me to acknowledge the day to him.......I do work tomorrow eve., so that will be positive. Was considering going on a getaway myself on weekend, but think better to stay here with sons? I am confused and have prayed for guidance....not sure yet. What would others do? Anyone in similar situation?
Faithled
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In some ways it seems pointless to celebrate something they are making a mockery of. IMHO. But every sitch is so different.
My H hates anniversaries and birthdays. His first "date" with OW was on our wedding anniversary. Last year, we all had dinner out and he rushed out as quickly as he could to go and meet OW (while telling me that he only wanted to stay by himself).
So, the question is, what will you get out of it? How will your H react?
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I just had this problem. 9/6/11 was my 25th anniversary. I took the advise of people on this site and said nothing about it. I did something nice for myself, (had a big glass on wine and painted my toenails). He came home from work and didn't say a thing to me, so I didn't say anything to him. I was the most painful and hurtful thing that I ever had to do. I really just wanted to hug him. I pretended it was just another day. Went upstairs and cryed on my dogs shoulder. Sorry you have to go through this. It sucks. Keep your chin up honey, it's going to be one of hardest things your going to have to go through. ((((((((((((((((((( hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))))).
Sherry
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I am divorced from my MLCer, but there has been no acknowledgement of an anniversary since the one before bomb drop.
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Nothing since BD. faithled, do not me to acknowledge the day to him. Do go on your weekend get away. Why stick around if you have the canche to be away for a few days?
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I see the point. I will not say anything to him.....I probably will hear nothing from him. I feel really sad and angry about all this tonight....I know it has been 2 1/2 years since BD. Found out about OW last Dec....he moved in with her and her 2 boys in Jan. It makes me soooooooooo angry. I understand the psychology, but I am very low and angry tonight.
Faithled
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My anniversary is on Saturday - our 23rd. This will be the 4th anniversary since BD. We did go out to dinner for our 20th, but H has NOT acknowledged the last two. I know that H is leaving tomorrow to skate at a race in Duluth, MN on Saturday so I will not see him and am not anticipating hearing from H either. I guess they conveniently have forgotten the vows that they made to us and to God.
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You'll probably hear nothing from him or he may be upset you did no bring it up. They are quite strange when in MLC. However, it does not make sense to bring up under the circunstances.
Try to be less angry. Do go away for the week end. Treat yourself well and kindly.
Hugs.
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Today is my anniversary. And next Tuesday is our final divorce date. I'm not doing very well today. Doesn't it just figure that this year of all years, the 17th actually falls on a Saturday?! :( My mind keeps replaying every hour of that day 34 years ago.
I would love to think h is at least remembering what today is, but in his mixed up mind, who knows?
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hello faithled,
BD was my on 14th wedding anniversary - he hasn't acknowledged a birthday, Mothers Day or weddinganniversary since he left nearly two years ago.
I have two young(ish) children so I ensure they treat his birthday and Fathers Day exactly the same way they did when he was still at home.
Expect nothing from him and then you'll not be disappointed is my pragmatic advice
((hugs))
P
x
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Faithled and Covenant Keeper Hugs for you! So sad for you that today is your anniversary. I guess I really do believe that your Hs remember that day fondly as well. I pray that all this MLC has a positive outcome. I know it hurts. Something good shall come from all our sorrow. That is faith and hope. :) Hugs again. MB
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Wow, lots of anniversaries in Sept. Mine is the 26th. Last year I got her sky diving gift cirt. and a card.
This year I think it's just a card. Maybe dinner. My wife is in contact with me daily and we almost act
as if we are boyfriend girlfriend. almost. Yet I know she is still deep in MLC.
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I am very sad today as it is my 20th anniversary and yesterday my H had me served with the divorce papers- I was a total wreck yesterday!!! I will see him tonight but I doubt we will be celebrating anything. He wants to trade cars as he is going out of town for a week starting on Sunday. We saw each other yesterday just a few hours after I got served the papers and he cried a bit when I talked to him, but he doesn't think it will ever work between us. I am going to update my thread with all the details but I have to say that today I am in a weird head space because while I am trying not to have any hope right now, at the same time I do think that there is a part of him that has not let go of me which in turn makes me think there could be a chance in the future....since he is still in a MLC after all! :'(
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my wedding anniversary isnt till Jan 15 but this is something I have been thinking off as well. I sort of feel that as that will be the last anniversary before we are divorced( D will be final 8 Dec 2012) it seems significant to say Happy Anniversay. I do think it will be very emotional though
I'm doing it for me, but I think another part of me wants to see if H says anything about it when I txt the message.
Maybe by that time, still 4 months away, I will feel different and do nothing
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I cried alot the night before, and checked my e-mail many times the day of......nothing. I worked on my anniversary, and just got back from taking my 3 boys out for a nice dinner to celebrate all the positives. My oldest bought me a glass of wine.
All I know is, I feel weak and saD RIGHT NOW AND THAT IS O.K. I WILL MAKE THE BEST OF IT WITHOUT HIM RIGHT NOW.
faithled
Hugs to all of you
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24th July 2010 was the first wedding anniversary we spent apart since the onset of MLC.
As it happens myself and our 2Ds were due to go on holiday that day with all of Hs family except him. The day before we went, he told me with a smile on his face that 'by the way I haven't forgotten what day it is tomorrow' I replied by telling him that it was just another day, and that I hadn't thought about it. To which he replied 'Oh, I admire your way of thinking'!!
This year though, it passed without a mention from anyone. As for H, the first person he would have seen on our anniversary this year was OW, even though he did visit and spend the day with us.
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November will be our 20 year anniversary. We will on our boat in the Caribbean. That may sound nice but it means very little to him. Last yrs. anniversary was 3 months after bomp drop. We were also on our boat in the Carribean. He toasted our day right in front of friends, all the while he was deep in his affair. It was just words to him as it will be this year. This year, I believe, will not be much different except that I'm more aware that it will be possible our last. Life is weird but I'm not going to let it get to me. It's just another day. We never did the whole card and flower things. H just never was much of a romantic.
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Ours is 4th October ... don't think he'll remember it though. I always had to remind him of things like that, birthdays etc. He didn't remember last year I don't think ... I gave him a card then. I'll probably send an e-mail this year late afternoon if I don't hear anything. Well maybe ... not sure yet. But no present.
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It is a long time now since BD and discovering the affair in June 2009. It started as EA in February 2007 apparently. I have been gone since January 2010 working away. Our 31st Anniversary was July 12th. I sent her a card in 2010 and this year a text saying Happy Anniversary and that I was thinking about her. I got a lovely text in reply saying that she had spent all day thinking about me and our happy years together.
Hmm, what does that mean other than just what it says.
Now communication has gone due to a misunderstanding by lawyers, so we dont communicate. My daughter last week was home and told me that there was a 'significant change' in her Mum. She says she is talking finally, saying how she has screwed up her life, 'is at rock bottom' as she has no money. But she lives in the family home all paid for, and 1200 a month to spend.
My daughter tells me that she is having one month without OM. I find that hard to believe after 4 years.
I really don't understand what is going on. Don't know what to do really. Next week I am going back for a Financial hearing. I will listen I think. Just listen.
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Wow, she gets 1200 a month and she's got no money?? My H gives me 400 a month and I have 2 kids at home ... how do I manage, IDK ... but I do! I got to haven't I ... no alternative. Luckily, it seems that just when you really need something ... it arrives in one form or another, God will provide, or it always seems to work that way. Sounds like your W is getting to a place of understanding her mistakes, hope so. You are a good guy FG xx
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Our anniversary is May 29th, and since it was just under two weeks past BD I wasn't going to mention it. We had been planning on seeing Hangover 2 for months and she brought up the idea of going out to our favorite restaurant and seeing it for our anniversary. I got my hopes up (I was still thinking she may be WAW or just angry toward me) until she said, "It'll be like our last hurrah!" We did go out to our favorite restaurant and had a great time, but toward the end she put on her Facebook "Dinner, drinks and a movie with the soon-to-be ex. Life is great!!" She also acted like I was toxic at the theater and turned around as far as she could from me even though we were sitting side by side. I thought that by holding her hand as we always had that it would bring back good feelings. It didn't.
Later, a friend messaged her and asked if she was really getting divorced. She replied, "Yes!! It's a good thing!! Really!" I simply could not imagine that my sweet, loving W was dumping me in such a way and publicly gloating about it. I think it was the first time I started thinking she was possessed.
Not looking forward to next year's. Or the holidays for that matter.
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I always recognized the day in one way or another. Since my exH was the one who left, I would get him a card or make a gift as seemed appropriate to the situation/way he was behaving at the time but I made sure any cards were honest and really "where I was at." It's seemed silly to me to send something all lovey and smooshy if that wasn't how we were. :P Anyway, for myself I always treated myself in some way that day. I got myself a bouquet, went to a spa once, and always a nice steak dinner, but I usually cooked them myself. See, when we were together "HE" ran the grill and I only cooked indoors--so on our anniversary I bought T-bones for all of us (myself, and two kids) and grilled them just because I could do it by myself. So I made our anniversary a day that was recognized, honest, special for me, and was just a tinge of that spirit that says "I can do this!"
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My 17th anniversary is Oct. 21st. I have taken off work, its fall break for the kids. We are going out of town and have fun. The previous 2 anniversaries I have spent alone. This year will be different. My H probably doesn"t care and will be with his OW. I have to live my life as if he was deceased.
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I've had 2 anniversaries since BD with no acknowledgement. Last year my mother in law posted Happy Anniversary on H's facebook page. He deleted it. The last anniversary we spent "together" was our 10th. One month later he gave me the BD speech. The anniversary of that day is the 10th of this month. This year, I didn't acknowledge it and neither did he. I bought myself an e-reader which he thought was great. He worked on our anniversary and texted with OW. This year was easier than last. I did my best to keep busy.
Good luck to everyone who deals with the post BD wedding anniversary. It is hard to think about how easy it is for them to forget the promises they made to you on that day.