Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Anjae on September 15, 2011, 07:21:08 PM
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It is their crisis, OW/OM is just a band aid, etc. I don’t take it personally. But when they file for fault divorce and fight us in a court case it is personal. It us, our name is the one there, witness are brought up against us, OW/OM plays the poor one that is so helpful and so supporting because we are awful. We must be, right, the court even bothers to listen to those fools…
Do you think that when they go as far as going through with a fault divorce it is still not personal? Because my husband pretty much wants to hurt and attack me. Deliberately and nastly. So, it is personal. It is his revenge, is rightfulness, is showing the way things really are.
Not that I bother to be upset with is crazy fault divorce mania. Just wondering if it is still nor personal when things get so far. They are aiming on purpose against us. Not themselves. Or do they just want some more drama? We start to not care about what they do or not do, we go NC and, in their twisted minds, they think fault divorce is just another way of keep engaging with us?
What is your opinion?
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I think it's an even larger projection of their pain and unhappiness. Think about it, hurting someone never really feels good, even psychopaths are not "happy," they are know they are sick, in most cases. He's like a cutter, or an anorexic. He can't help it. What do you do about it, that's for you to decide, but protect yourself and do whatever you can to take the high road--no matter how much it sucks...
I was sued by a franchise company and the whole case was ridiculous--it was their equivalent to an MLC, a tremendous narcissistic temper tantrum, and really, it was like my first of three divorces I've had to go through the last three years (them, H and my business partner). I stayed true and honest, and took the high road, and at the end of a preliminary trial, the judge basically called them out for being ridiculous and told them in no uncertain terms that they were wasting her time and she would have none of it. It was a tremendous feeling, but still sad, not as sad as a real divorce, so I know you feel rotten, but stay strong and protect yourself, but also keep everything in perspective and don't fight for the sake of fighting--I've seen people turn over everything to attorneys in fees out of sheer stubbornness...
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When we say that it is not personal we are not always referring to your MLCers intentions. MLCers often deliberately set out to hurt and even destroy their spouse.
The part that is not personal is that it is not your fault and if they were married to someone else, they'd be doing it to that person instead of you. You are filling in a role in their script--whether you are choosing to follow the script or not, they are still following and thus still seeing you in the role.
I know it is difficult to grasp the idea that it is not personal when these things are being done directly to, against and about you because to the MLCer's mind it is personal. But they don't get that you are merelye projection. They don't get that if they had chose to marry their old girlfriend (now the alienator) all those years ago they woould either being doing this to her or they'd already have been divorced from her for years and there would be another convenient scapegoat.
The scapegoat was never a personal object of blame but an official and recognized projection. The difference here is the MLCer's don't recongize they are projecting so they think it is personal--not all, but many and perhaps even most. They think it is your fault, you were a terrible spouse and that their relationship with the alienator is not infidelity because your marriage was really already over anyway. MLCers--especially Replayers--do not know this is their personal crisis and that it has nothing to do with anyone else.
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RCR,
Timely reminder!
Thanks
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Hi Lisa,
Thanks for your response. :)
Yes, I agree, it is an even wider projection of their pain and unhappiness. Not sure if, in this so altered state that MLC is, they feel good, bad, or nothing at all hurting someone (or themselves). What I’m doing about it is what I’ve done the first time he come up with a fault divorce/court case. I do not engage with him (his a vanisher, anyway) and take the high-road. It does not suck. Not anymore. Its even kind of funny, an absurd tragic-comedy.
I ask him nothing, don’t fight with him, let my lawyer do what as to be done to protect me. In our country, if a divorce request gets to court it is mandatory that both parts have a lawyer. You can not refuse to follow de legal proceedings because you will be charged with contempt to the court. Only the person that started the case can ask for it to be closed. First time around it was as silly as your case with the franchise. I and my lawyer didn’t do a thing. Husband could no come up with a single proof of his claims, just dragged, and dragged and dragged, judge closed the case and told him to pay the expenses.
This time it is even more ridiculous. He still can’t prove what he claims but he is coming up with all sorts of stupid things to drag and drag and drag. That way he stills delays having to pay me what he has to pay me for law (he broke the marriage duties, I’m entitled to alimony and compensation + giving back my share of all our money that he took). Now that I think of it, given he is a vanisher, maybe this absurd court cases are his touch & go, his way of trying to see if he can engage me to respond.
I don’t feel rotten. On the contrary, I feel quite happy and oddly serene, and have a beautiful smile on my face. :)
Just find it all a waist of court time and state money. ::)
RCR, thanks for the reminder. Yes, I know it is not my fault. At all! He is pretty much set up to hurt and “destroy” me. I’m the cause of the horror that those 20 years were. Not! And the worst mistake he has ever done in his life was marrying me. Right!
It was more of a rhetoric question and an opportunity to hear what people in this forum think and have to say about such situations. And to confirm my little theory that it is still projection and to do with his crisis.
Well, no such luck with the alienator being a former school sweetheart. He did not knew her until quite after he left. First alienator also was not a school sweetheart. None of them was a person from his past. So far he seams to go to women who were not part of the past and were never married. But maybe he thinks that if he had married one of his school sweethearts we would had been happier! LOL
But he does that thing of saying that the relationships with both alienator 1 & 2 is not adultery/infidelity. ::) We were already separated! (not true in case of alienator 1) I’ve never sleep with her while I was still home! (true, he never sleep with alienator 1 while still at home and alienator 2 come along after he left) Don’t know if he replays or not (think so). No contact for 3 years. Tend to only hear of him through is silly fault divorces requests.
He wants to have "fun" and upset me, doesn't he?... 8)