Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Baxter on June 22, 2010, 06:18:32 AM
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I came across this story a few months ago and wanted to share..it may even be on here somewhere already.
How Carol Saved her Doomed Marriage
An inspiring account of one woman’s determination
to hold on to her marriage against all the odds
Summary: In this era of disposable relationships, Carol displayed the determined faithfulness that Christians should be renowned for.
For 26 years, Carol and Dave had a very special marriage. Then Dave inexplicably and dramatically changed. He became deeply embittered against Carol and finally walked out on her. His behavior was so obnoxious that many friends and counselors – even Carol’s fundamentalist pastor – counseled divorce. Instead, Carol continued to look to God. After almost two year’s separation, Dave returned home, yet still he avoided Carol, not even lifting a finger to help when she was totally bedridden due to cancer treatment. Drawing upon the supernatural resources of Almighty God, Carol fought natural feelings of resentment and prayerfully continued to persevere with the marriage.
Now, five years after the crisis began, Dave has undergone a painfully slow but vast improvement and Carol, displaying the very faith in God that has brought her this far, is believing that even greater things are ahead for their marriage.
Carol’s story:
I was married to a wonderful man who was my high school sweetheart. I shall call him Dave. We had three children who were his life and who had made us both very proud. Dave was an excellent father. We were Christians, very active in our church, and although we were opposites, we got along well, each of us enjoying very different interests. As he told me often, we had the best marriage he knew of and all our friends seemed to agree. Life had been like a fairy tale for me. I had no reason to believe that it would ever change.
Then several things happened that, I believe, contributed to the midlife depression that hit Dave. First, he sought a promotion at work that he had counted on for several years. Someone else won the position although Dave was probably more qualified. Soon after that, a man who had been like a father to Dave passed away. After that our two oldest boys left home within a year of each other to go to college. Then our remaining son began to rebel and got into serious trouble.
Dave soon became very irritable, which was totally out of character for him. In his eyes I could do nothing right and just the sound of my voice seemed to put him on the edge. He seemed to look for reasons to get angry with me in order for us not to speak to each other. He acted as if everything about me disgusted or repulsed him. He stopped doing anything around the house and tried his best to work extra hours so that he didn’t have to face me as much.
I tried, time and time again, to talk with Dave. He refused to admit there was a problem and when I pushed too hard, he’d simply scream that I was the problem. He accused me of ‘going crazy,’ of needing psychological counseling, of yelling when I was speaking quietly, and blamed me for anything that went wrong during his day. He acted as if he would explode if he was forced to speak to me or look at me. It even entered my mind that he might try to physically hurt me; something I’d never have dreamed previously.
One day he simply did not come home. I knew immediately that he had left me. Our youngest child was still at home, causing problems and his father exiting at this time only made his rebellious behavior worse.
We did not hear from Dave for almost a month. I spoke to his best friend, in whom he confided somewhat. He said Dave had told him that he hated me, never loved me, never should have married me, and that the children never should have been born. His friend was as shocked as I was. I tried to give Dave space. Shortly, my sons came home for the summer and my three children went together to see their father at work. He told them he was embarrassed and that they shouldn’t worry because he’d be home in ‘a couple of weeks.’ He said some very harsh things about me. I was shocked to hear how he’d run me down to my own children. He would never have done that in that past.
I tried to immerse myself in activities. I had a full-time job as well as a big leadership role in my church. I also spent much time working in a nonprofit ministry of which I was the director. Often, however, I was unable to concentrate. It seemed that everything I tried to do, even simple tasks, took all my effort. I began to spiral into depression. After a time, I could not control the tears and was almost afraid to go to church because I was sure to make a spectacle of myself. I felt as if I was standing at the edge of a black hole and a physical force was pulling me down into it. I was terrified of what might happen to me if I didn’t have the strength to resist it. I confided in my gynecologist, who immediately recognized the symptoms of depression and prescribed an anti-depressant. Within a few days I began to feel the benefit of the medication and soon I was able to handle my emotions better. I continued, however, to cry a lot. Tears were probably a blessing because, along with prayer, they were the only thing that seemed to relieve my stress temporarily.
I began to read all I could find about midlife crisis but I found little written on the subject. I believe God led me to Jim Conway’s book Men In Midlife Crisis, Chariot Victor Pub. It saved my sanity to realize that this was something that had happened to others and that some had even survived it. Prior to that, I had no idea what had happened to my husband and could only see that he had become a monster. More about Midlife Crisis
Dave hid from me, our children, and friends, becoming a workaholic, dedicating his life to making money. He was obsessed. It was hard for me to understand how he could even function through a day at work when he was so irrational each time I saw him. He was almost a double personality. Many people would tell me that he seemed just like the same old Dave to them. He only allowed those very close to him see his acting out. When he wasn’t working, he was holed up in his apartment in the dark, with the TV on, or asleep. He didn’t answer the phone or the doorbell. I tried to not bother him most of the time, sensing that he needed to be alone, but occasionally I could not resist checking on him to make sure he was all right. Usually he looked terrible: unkempt, needing a bath, a shave, and haircut. He aged greatly during this time. At times he showed signs of mania, announcing that he was having the best time of his life. He often said he felt 20 years old again, only much, much wiser. Sometimes he would extol his own virtues to the extreme (telling me that I’d never find another man as good as him, etc.) which would have been almost funny had it not been so alarming and out of character. At times he was irrational. Other times he was miserable and full of self pity and it was always my fault. He told the children that the reason he could not live with me any longer was that when we rented movies, I chose ones he couldn’t tolerate. He would often line the kids up and pace up and down in front of them, yelling the same things over and over for 30 minutes at a time. When I confronted him and tried to make him identify the problem, he would only say ‘You know what it is. Don’t act so innocent.’ I truly did not know what I had done and he never did tell me. I worried about him possibly considering suicide.
Resigned to the fact that he was not coming home, I had divorce papers drawn up and presented Dave with them. He had agreed to meet me in a restaurant because he said it made him ‘uncomfortable to drive down our driveway.’ He would not answer any of my questions or discuss a divorce, but simply sat and grinned at me sarcastically while I poured my heart out to him. So I left him sitting in the restaurant with the papers and told him I’d contact him again in a month. When I did, he said he had thrown the papers away. I knew then that he really did not want a divorce. I also realized for the first time that he was no longer in control of his actions. I believe his mind was spinning and he could not stop the horrible thoughts he was having, however irrational they had become.
Some men who reach this point realize there is something very wrong and are willing to go for counseling. Dave, I believe, realized there was a problem, but was terrified of it and also had a macho attitude which kept him from admitting it or seeking help. It was easier to blame me.
Of course, I was not a perfect wife. Although I don’t feel I was the cause of Dave leaving home, there were still things about me that needed to be addressed and changed. I began to spend much time in prayer and in seeking God’s will. I went through a very painful process as the Lord started to show me myself – through his eyes. It was a time of growth and although I’d never choose to go through that trying time again, I would also not choose to change it if I could. The experience has given me great strength and God had the freedom to teach me so much because he had my undivided attention.
I sought advice and help from all the normal places. I went to three counselors, all ‘Christian,’ who talked about my own self-esteem and helped me see there were things I had to do to take care of myself during this time. After a month or two, however, they spoke of ultimatums and ‘making a decision’ and ‘getting on with my life.’ Mostly they made me feel as if I was being a doormat. My self-esteem was not necessarily boosted by talking with them. I spoke to my pastor several times and he gave me some insight on the workings of the male mind. However, he, too, although a fundamental Bible-preacher, advised divorce because Dave had ‘committed emotional adultery.’ I decided not to consult my pastor again, nor the counselors. I pledged to myself to get my counseling solely from the Bible and from friends who took the commandments of God literally. I had to hang on to the Scriptures in order to continue to even function at that point.
Grantley Morris was one of the lifesavers tossed to me when I felt as if I were drowning. Although his website had no information specifically about midlife crisis, there was much that I needed to hear – many words of comfort and instruction which were a great help to me. I believe God lead me to this website where I could learn much. We have never met in person, but Grantley was always available by e-mail, always advising me to wait on God, sometimes encouraging me to stop whining, and sometimes building me up in the Lord. God also provided some female friends who stuck by me. Although they were quite angry at the way Dave treated his family, they supported me in not going ahead with a divorce and encouraged me to understand my husband and pray for him. I have found in talking with other women in a similar situation, that friends like this are a rare commodity. Most of them get tired of hearing you whine after a few months and begin advising that you ‘get over it’ or ‘dump him.’ I had those kinds of friends too, but there were two saintly women who upheld me and counseled me to respect what God says in his word about the marriage vow. One man, Dave’s good friend, who had been a longtime family friend as well, also counseled me from a male point of view, always telling me that he believed Dave would return, and encouraging me to wait. I consider myself very blessed to have had such friends.
Although I would never have considered myself a dependent wife, when Dave left, I was scared and alone. Often the pain was so great that I didn’t know if I could live. Many nights I would collapse on the floor, unable to word a prayer, simply crying out ‘Help!’ I was broken. He was my one true love. I had been married to this man since the age of sixteen. We met Dave while I was still in elementary school and we started dating in high school. Because Dave was in the military, we moved far away from both our families, after we married. We only had each other to depend on. I always felt I could tell him anything, and that he was my best friend. I didn’t worry about keeping anything from him, even my ‘ugly side.’ He knew me inside and out. Although not an open person by nature, he was able to share with me emotionally as well.
Now there was no one who could help me other than God. I believe that the Lord finally had me where he wanted me – dependent only on him. I gained a great compassion for those who are hurting from marital difficulties.
I began to exert sheer will in order to function physically. I became adept at many skills that I hadn’t possessed before. I learned how to fix a leaky faucet, and to replace the end on an extension cord that I whacked off while trying to trim an endless row of shrubs with electric hedge trimmers. I was very proud of such accomplishments because Dave had always handled them. I was proving that I could live on my own if I had to.
Daily I was spending two, three and four hours with the Lord, praying, reading the Bible, or simply listening to God. Much of that time was spent outside, where I could be surrounded by nature. I also became great friends with our family dog, who I’d simply tolerated before. The Lord even used the dog to make me feel safe when I was alone at night. That pooch became a good friend to me and often soothed my loneliness by simply lying down next to me when she sensed I needed a warm body close by. All this was therapy for me. The Lord was very creative in providing me with strength sufficient to allow me to continue putting one foot in front of the other.
After a while Dave lost his feeling of euphoria. He became depressed and full of self-pity. Whenever any of the family saw him, he bemoaned all that he had missed out on or lost because of us. (I was the major villain in his life, although at times he included the children.) He often went on long road trips, not telling anyone where he was going or how long he would be gone. We worried that he would get in an accident on the other end of the country and no one would know where he was.
He went to great lengths to hide our separation from his family, who only saw us annually. He made up all kinds of stories to tell his parents so that it seemed he still lived at home. He also pretended to everyone where he worked that he still lived at home. Later, when that became too difficult, he said I lived with him in his apartment and that we were selling our home.
When he left, Dave didn’t take a thing with him. All his clothes were left in the closet. He didn’t even have an extra pair of socks. After about six months, he began to break in to the house (I’d had the locks changed) and steal things. He even took the furniture off our front porch and stuffed it into a utility shed where he was living.
During the next two years, he purchased a home, five vehicles, a big screen TV, furniture, expensive home appliances, and was considering a boat (he had always hated boats prior to this time). As nearly as I could calculate, he spent over $65,000 and maxed out all his credit cards. This from a man who had pinched pennies most of his life. In the meantime, he canceled my credit cards, closed our joint bank accounts, and refused to help me with bills. It seemed he enjoyed the fact that I might be suffering financially and had a need to punish me.
Although he was away from home for almost two years, my husband never became involved with another woman. Typically, men with midlife crisis, seek comfort through an illicit relationship which only causes further pain for all involved. Dave had problems with impotence, which was probably a blessing from the Lord. I am told male impotence is a common problem for men who are suffering midlife depression, and some men set out to prove they can be a man with another woman, concluding that their wife is the problem. I suppose a few, like Dave, do not wish to take the chance of being humiliated in front of a new lady, so they simply shut down sexually. The sexual acting out can only make things worse. I thank God that I did not have to face that hurdle. The Lord promises in his Word that he will not allow any more hardship than we can carry. Maybe I couldn’t have handled that one.
After two years of enduring what seemed akin to the death of my husband (he no longer existed as I had known him) I went for a mammogram a few months late. I was told I had breast cancer and that I’d need surgery, chemotherapy and radiation. I was in a daze to say the least. My sons came to my rescue and lent me the adult strength they had gained through this hurtful time. I decided not to tell Dave. I did not want to face his nonchalant rejection and would not have been surprised if he had laughed or said that I deserved cancer because I was responsible for his misery. However, my oldest son informed him and Dave came to the hospital about an hour before I checked out. I think he was waiting to find out for sure that the lump the doctors removed was definitely malignant before he showed up. I was too sick to care much if he was there or not, but he followed us home and stayed.
If I had known then what I know now, I’d have probably refused him entrance into the house, but again, God was in control rather than me. After about a week, I was feeling much better physically and friends and family had left. Dave and I were alone. Dave retreated into a shell where he remained for nearly a year, improving only painfully slowly. He slept most of the time. He would go for days without uttering a word. Whenever we passed in the hall, he would step aside to avoid being close to me.
I could not allow myself to be affected too deeply by all of this because I was in the middle of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. I had to give Dave over to God and take care of myself. Several times I was so sick from the chemo that I went upstairs to bed for several days at a time. Dave remained in the house downstairs, never leaving, but not so much as asking if I needed a drink of water. Several times I had to call a friend to help me get to the bathroom because I was so weak and Dave would not or could not function. He was like a zombie.
As I began to get better, Dave started to improve as well. His progress was very slow and sometimes I wondered if I was only imagining it. Significant family events helped Dave take tiny but important steps. Our oldest son, for example, did a very wise thing by including Dave in his wedding party. Not wanting to hurt me, our son asked my permission to include Dave. I struggled because my first reaction was that Dave didn’t deserve to even attend, but I knew this attitude was wrong. Dave’s participation was one of the things that said ‘you’re still a part of our family and we are ready to forgive and include you again.’ (Other examples.)
Dave began to do little things that reminded me of the old Dave and eventually I was able to stop walking on eggshells around him and relax a little. I seldom pushed him because I was sure that God was to be the one to heal and change him rather than me. I knew that I had to be patient although it was difficult.
For years he was unable to have any kind of physical relationship. Intimacy, whether emotional or physical still frightens him, but he is making great strides. I can only trust that God will bring him back 100% or better. I believe that when God restores, you usually get more than you had in the first place, so I’m counting on an even better relationship than our original one.
Today Dave has improved to the point where he is nearly himself again. He does not talk about the bad times. It seems he simply cannot face them. Sometimes I think he does not even remember some of the horrible things he said or did. Maybe he just wants to forget. I continue to pray that someday he will do what the Lord expects of him and ask my forgiveness. It would mean so much to me. However, the Lord expects me to forgive as well, even before forgiveness is asked for. So I state to the Lord and to myself almost daily that I forgive Dave of all the hurt he caused me. I don’t always feel forgiving and I continue to experience bitterness at times. Forgiveness is a process – in my case, at least, a slow one. But if one prays and states it often enough, in time it will become complete.
It has been nearly five years since the beginning of Dave’s midlife crisis, depression, breakdown, or whatever term best describes what happened to him. God has blessed my family so much that I am almost fearful. But I am grateful as well. Dave now wants to be with me almost every spare minute that he has. Although he can’t seem to talk about it, his actions speak loudly. I long to hear him say that he loves me, and for him to be romantic as in the old days. But I know, too, that love is commitment, not flowery words. I try my best to continue to wait on God for the fulfillment of his promise. And I thank Him daily for His grace.
I feel impressed to tell my story because I know that there are many women (and men) who are facing this pain which seems to come out of nowhere to strike unsuspecting families who are totally unprepared to fight back. Many have no clue what has happened to their former husband or wife and simply assume they’ve changed into a monster. It is not an easy process to survive, but there is hope for families experiencing this crisis.
On one of my dark days I asked God to please allow me to help someone else who would follow me in this process. I prayed that something good could come from it. God has already given me the opportunity many times, and now, through this webpage, He is allowing me to share with others. I am thankful.
During the bad times, I cannot say God spoke audibly to me or that there was any miraculous occurrence or vision. I cried, I pleaded, I begged for God to give me a sign, to tell me what to do to fix things. (I am, like most women, a notorious fixer!) The only message I received was ‘wait.’ It was not what I wanted to hear. It was frustrating. Frankly, it made me mad and I often railed at God. However, it was crystal clear that it was God’s way and it was what was best for me. He always gives the best advice. I desire for another marriage to be saved through someone else reading this account and realizing that they too can be given the strength to wait for a family to be healed. God bless.
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Thankyou for posting this Baxter! It is always good to read of a happy ending and to be reminded what a long process this is!
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Great story.
I think the forgiveness part is very interesting.
My advice to her would be to forgive, whether her husband comes to her or not.
I guess he is still not done with his crisis from her description. But they are both in a better place.
5 years is her number so far.
I hope we can all learn something from this.
Thanks Baxter.
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Thanks Baxter, great find.
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Thanks, Baxter. That was the kind of story I needed to read today. I agree with CF, this is a great reminder of how long the process can be. When I look at the fact that I have been only going through this for 18 months and she is at 5 years, I get hope for our future.
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My advice to her would be to forgive, whether her husband comes to her or not.
OP, you're starting to sound like me! LOL!!
This is the SAME advice the Lord gave ME back in the days when I was struggling with so many things; I had to forgive, regardless of what happened; or the Lord could not forgive me.
So, I forgave, in that process, getting part of the story, but I never got it all, and I'm ok with that. At one time I thought it ALL had to come out, and found out it wasn't so; when God works in a situation, and causes major changes to come about, it does NOT matter.
I didn't tell my husband EVERYTHING that I faced within my transition, either; I felt it would hurt him to know some of the hateful things I felt toward him, so I didn't tell....I UNDERSTOOD then why there were some things he never told me.
Anyway, I remember this story; and read it...it's a kind reminder that the road of MLC is a long one, and many things can and will happen during the journey....but always keep one thing in mind; God has control of ALL things; and He's more than happy to take our burden off our shoulders and work on them for us. :)
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OP, you're starting to sound like me! LOL!!
if I read you enough times it will sink in eventually. LOLOLOLOL(this is you HB)
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Great Story,
Forgiveness is a process and it takes time too, I also think some of it needs to be earned.
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Im on a role tonight so i,ll put my story on this thread to. My mom and dad walked out on me when I was 4yo. My brother ,sister and I went to live with our grandmother and 2 uncles. My oldest uncle abused me in lots of ways. From the time I was 5yo until I was 15yo. It wasnt until H MLC and the Lord brought me to my knees did I forgive all 3 of them. The Lord has done a great work in my heart since all of this started. The one person I never thought I could forgive was my uncle, but I have and it has helped me more than I can ever express.
Alot of people have ask me how I could ever forgive H for what hes done. But the Lord has forgiven me for so much.
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Hurt - I am sorry about your childhood. I cannot even imagine. Forgiveness is so powerful, especially for the person doing the forgiving.
Be well and god bless
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Hurt, I'm sorry that happened to you and glad you found the strength to forgive.
Question for you: Don't you think that if you have now forgiven, you can become healed and not hurt any longer?
Me thinks it's time for a new name for you.
Something that has merit for the person you are at your core, without your life experiences.
Someone you want to become... the beautiful you that is going to come out throughout this life path you are on.
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I have forgiven what was in my past. I still hurt for my marriage. I love my H so very much. I guess I thought He would always love me and never leave me. I truly beleived with all my heart the Lord put us together. He was always understanding and gentle. I could see the love in his eyes when he looked at me. I had never felt that from anyone else in my life. He didnt have to tell me he loved me but he always did. I miss my old H so much. I know its been 6 months but i am still greiving the lose of my marriage. I thought it would last forever, that we would grow old together and could get through anything. H cheating on me was something my mind and heart could not even comperhind. I pray for the Lord to heal my heart, but the prosses is going to be long im affraid. To be honest I didn,t even really know what love was until H. And they say the affair is just infatuation and it wears off. I was married for 25 yrs and use to think I could not love H more than I did at that moment and the next day I loved him even more.
The last few years our marriage has realy struggled. I guess life and selfishness got in the way. So for now I look to the Lord for healing my heart and pray somewhere the love we use to have might someday come back.
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Hurt,
It takes TIME to reach Acceptance, Forgiveness and Healing, be kind to yourself; and work through your grief.
You know, forgiveness is not for the party who wronged us, it is for YOU; forgiveness is NOT earned, it is given freely from the heart; it releases a person from their "debt" to you, but not from the consequences that will come as a result of the selfishness actions against you.......as long as you hold a grudge against the person who wrongs you, it is hurting YOU, not them. They may sleep at night, but you won't if you harbor ill-feeling within your heart toward someone who has wronged you.
It does NOT matter if they ask for it or not..it is the same thing as tearing up the blank check, releasing that person from the "debt" you perceive they owe you, and you cannot force them to apologize to you...but in order to heal, you need to forgive and mean this sincerely.
God takes over from there, and works His Will, making sure consequences are dealt out in His Time..sometimes later, sometimes sooner, but it will come for the wrongdoer.
I've been there, and I'm with you on grieving for the marriage that's died...it took someone to point out that the man I went to bed with at night was an actual stranger to me, to make me realize something was VERY wrong with this picture, and in that realization I somehow got a feeling of death from it...and I cried like a baby. I fgured out later, that my marriage and my life, as I saw it was OVER, and everything was gone, burned to the ground...and that was hard to fathom in my mind for awhile.
In the time that followed, I grieved the loss, but got through it, and you will, too.
Strength is gained from going through your trial, not over it, not under it, and not even AROUND it; but THROUGH it.
God will always be with us, carrying us when the need is the greatest within us...and He will see you through this.
He knows your heart and your needs and will provide for you; He has a very soft spot for children and left behind spouses, that have been subjected to the selfishness of their MLC'ers/WAS', and I promise you, He will avenge you, as your husband will certainly reap what he has sown in misery...it will come back at him one hundred fold and more; as all will reap harshly for a season.
You, He will take care of, and He is watching over you now.
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as long as you hold a grudge against the person who wrongs you, it is hurting YOU, not them. They may sleep at night, but you won't if you harbor ill-feeling within your heart toward someone who has wronged you.
This is so true. And so is the bit about it taking a lot of TIME....
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I,m not sure if I have forgiven my H yet or not. I know that sounds crazy , but I haven,t even been mad at him just very hurt. I dont see him or talk to him at all so there have been no spewing or anger. Just silence. I,m not sure what is worse NC or to know that somewhere in his heart and mind I,m still in there somewhere. But I will eventually work through all of this and my mind to will clear. Right now I,m sorta in a fog of my own. Just trying to hang on and get through one day at a time.
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hurt, I recognise this. For the first 2 years and then some I kept wondering when the anger would come. After all, I was 'supposed' to be angry, wasn't I? The first time I vented any anger at him was last fall, not that long before he did write those first letters saying that it had hit him that I might be hurt. Did that influence? No way to know.
I'm sure the anger was there, it just wasn't being released in a good way. My C said that I turned a lot of it onto myself; don't know what I did with the rest. I'm still processing it.
I guess I had to recognise my anger before I could start to work through it, and yes, after that is when forgiveness is possible.
Again, it took a long time. In my case it did take us starting to talk again before it could come out. It didn't do so during the long period of Dark; it might have been better for me if I could have got it out, but I didn't know how to do that.
Hang in there, keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on taking one day at a time.
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MARRIAGE...A MUST READ!
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Saturday, July 17, 2010 at 9:03pm
MARRIAGE
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.
Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?
I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!
With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.
She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.
The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.
When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.
In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.
This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.
She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.
I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.
My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.
On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.
On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.
On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.
She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.
Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.
Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.
But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.
She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.
At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....
The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!
If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.
If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.
A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.
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Lost,
thanks for sharing that....it brought tears to my eyes....v touching :)
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me too Lost...love the last line about many of life's failures......
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somebody.....please pass the tissues :'(
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Very sweet. But sorry, I was laughing, imagining my H trying to carry me to the door.
He'd be making jokes all the way about me... I'm 15 kg heavier and 3cm taller than him.
I think I'd kill HIM in the process.... ;D ;D
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That "fog" is more like insulation, protects you from any more hurt. The numbness was a welcome to be totally honest. Forgiveness, my that was a struggle for me. Strangely I found it easy to forgive my spouse.... after all he was human... we are all entitled to bad choices, not to mention, one can't really blame him for suffering the depression of MLC. It was myself I had problems forgiving! Not sure exactly why! Perhaps for not being as good a wife as I thought I was, or not being able to help save him from himself.... I know, I was disgusted with myself for STILL WANTING HIM. Goodness, this was the 21st. century... women had rights, strengths, education, didn't need no "damn" man, did we? Combination of everything I guess.
Forgiveness didn't come complete, all at once. Seemed like there were layers of forgiveness. Just when I thought I had forgiven everything and everybody involved, I would discover I hadn't at all. It was like peeling an onion for me. Almost took me as long to work through the layers of forgiveness as it did for my h to end his affair.
Anyway, I loved that story. I am sure she will have no trouble forgiving her spouse, whatsoever, her faith will see her through it. Hurt01 I hate what has happened to you, but you have the strength to get through anything. The fog is protecting you for the time being. Keep posting as I always learn something every time you do.
Forgiveness is totally for yourself.
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Bewildered wanted me to post this story for her
_______________________________________________
A story from a work collegue
age start of MLC - 39
age when reconciled -42
sex - M
timeline - 1999 - 2003
Children - (wife found out whe was pregnant after he left) so i child then after he came back 3 added - 4 in total
_______________________________________________
Mr M's Story -
A man i know left his wife and baby for an OW and was gone for 4 years, I met him nearly two years into what I didn't know as a MLC (a work colleague) but I thought he was a lost soul - he didn't seem to know what he wanted out of life was confused, egotistical. arrogant. and I knew he was searching for something as I spent a lot of time with him -
he loved his OW and was going to marry her .. so he said never admitted he was married or had a baby till the summer before he went home - id know or ages he was married as we shared a secretary and she was a tad nosey and read his emails.
on the 1st of July 2002 he was going on holiday with his OW and had proposed and was planning his wedding (yet he was still married) on the 18Th he came back to work and he was different - really down and (now I know depressed and in withdrawal)
a month later he told me whilst a little drunk that he didn't know what he had done he loved his wife (finally admitted and child - id met her several times so again knew all about her) and been under his words a spell and she the OW who i had met (very pretty, model like, clever lawyer,but a b!tc# - wife countrified , little plump, but so nice and bubbly) was like a drug and he needed her to feel good about himself - her and his obsession with swimming he was doing about 2 hours a day was keeping him going as he was falling at work - had stomach problems, i found him in tears more than once.
but he didn't get his act together till the September and asked his wife to take him back then left the OW in November in a most spectacular way - Left the apartment they rented one morning and left her things in box's on the doorstep and rang her mobile and told her to come to the flat- he was going back to his wife and her stuff was on the street.
he moved home has had 3 more kids and is very happy. He told me his wife he knew would have him home and one day he woke up and looked at the OW and thought what am i doing i love my wife not her - and started to make his way home but his wife made him date her for 3 months - one day a week - that's the only reason he took so long
so he turned quickly and your H may do also and the only warning signs i saw were he was jumpy at work, couldn't make his mind up even about a sandwich filling, changed his mind a lot, even when he had made his mind up, fell out with people, then was all over them, had weird ideas - I remember he was going to be a buddist then run for Parliament then something else.. this lasted for about 2 months after he got back from holiday ,, then he was OK all of a sudden then i think he spoke to his wife and asked to come back .. he showed remorse and blamed himself (non stop) was ashamed, embarrassed you name it (she has since told me) and this went on for 7 months and they worked through it
he tells me he had his MLC because he was scared of not being 'good enough', not for his wife in general and the OW made him feel for a while amazing.
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he tells me he had his MLC because he was scared of not being 'good enough',
This is exactly what I hear from my H -- not yet in hindsight from him, but this is what is coming through from what he has said/done over the course of this crisis. It has come in moments of clarity from him, which are fleeting and then the mask comes crashing down, but this is the crux of it.
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I have not got that he was scared of not being good enough...I flat out got he just isnt good enough...is that the same in there minds?
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I have heard the same thing about not being good enough.
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Yes, me too. In fact, he brought up a few times over the years that I would leave him once the kids were grown up. I could never work out why he said that. I just said of course I wouldn't. I wish I'd thought a bit more about where it was coming from :-\ Hindsight is a wonderful thing .............
Anyway, it turned out to be the other way round. He left me :o :o
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True - isn't it odd how that works?
My H has always had poor self esteem and at least from when he would open up towards the beginning of MLC (it has been awhile now) it seemed to have been magnified so much. I can see some of the things he has done the past couple of years have been an effort to make him feel better about himself (trying new things professionally, many new clothes, losing weight, etc.). Yet HOW could you feel good about yourself after walking away from your family and causing so much pain to others? The disconnect in MLC is fascinating.
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My H also thought he wasn't good enough, was not intelligent enough, no one listened and no one cared.
When I pointed out not many months after he left what a powerful man he was as he had impacted significantly on 5 lives besides his own, he said he didn't think anyone thought anything for him.
xx
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Trust,
I think as its MLC that they can separate themselves from the hurt they cause us until awakening because remember they left because we were to blame they had to because blah blah blah we didn't understand them, care about them, etc
So the journey begins to find themselves or at least their identity
from a physiology book:
What is an Identity Crisis?
Are you unsure of your role in life? Do you feel like you don't know the 'real you'? If you answer yes to the previous questions, you may be experiencing an identity crisis. Theorist Erik Erikson coined the term identity crisis and believed that it was one of the most important conflicts people face in development. Especially men in mid life,
Erik Erikson
Hope is both the earliest and the most indispensable virtue inherent in the state of being alive. If life is to be sustained hope must remain, even where confidence is wounded, trust impaired. --Erik Erikson
Birth and Death:
• Erik Erikson was born June 15, 1902.
• Died May 12, 1994.
Childhood:
Erik Erikson was born June 15, 1902 in Frankfurt, Germany. His father, a Danish man, abandoned the family. His young, Jewish mother later married a physician, Dr. Theodor Homberger.
His interest in identity developed early based upon his own experiences of abandonment and in school. At his temple school, the other children teased him for being Nordic because he was tall, blonde and blue-eyed. At grammar school, he was rejected because of his Jewish background.
Career:
After spending some time travelling throughout Europe, Erik Erikson studied psychoanalysis (This school of thought emphasized the influence of the unconscious mind on behaviour. Freud believed that the human mind was composed of three elements: the identity, the ego, and the superego. Freud's theories changed how we think about the human mind and behaviour and left a lasting mark on psychology and culture) from Anna Freud.
According to Erikson, an identity crisis is a time of intensive analysis and exploration of different ways of looking at oneself. Erikson's interest in identity began in childhood. Raised Jewish, Erikson appeared very Scandinavian and often felt that he was an outsider of both groups. His later studies of cultural life among the Yurok of northern California and the Sioux of South Dakota helped formalize Erikson's ideas about identity development and identity crisis.
Erikson described identity as "a subjective sense as well as an observable quality of personal sameness and continuity, as a quality of unselfconscious living, this can be gloriously obvious in a young person who has found himself through adolescence. His research showed the emergence of an identity crisis occurs during the teenage years in which people struggle between feelings of identity versus role confusion. The balance between identity and confusion lies in making a commitment to an identity. This methods looks at three different areas of functioning: occupational role, beliefs and values and sexuality.
Identity Statuses
• Identity achievement occurs when an individual has gone through an exploration of different identities and made a commitment to one.
• Moratorium is the status of a person who is actively involved in exploring different identities, but has not made a commitment.
• Foreclosure status is when a person has made a commitment without attempting identity exploration.
• Identity diffusion occurs when there is neither an identity crisis or commitment.
Researchers have found that those who have made a strong commitment to an identity tend to be happier and healthier than those who have not. Those with a status of identity diffusion tend to feel out of place in the world and don't pursue a sense of identity.
In today's rapidly changing world, identity crises are more common today than in Erikson's day. Exploring different aspects of yourself in the different areas of life, including your role at work, within the family, and in romantic relationships, can help strengthen your personal identity.
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A MLC is in some aspects is a search for your identity - I can see it in my H he doesn't seem to know who he is ,what he stands for, and is fighting the person inside of him be could be ? And we all know we cant tell someone this as they don't even know this ..Yet!!
the journey is the fight within themselves to figure it all out ...
How about us being secret Santa's so ... Maybe we should swap our MLC H?W mobile phone numbers and get each of us to act like a SS and be the angel they need to open their minds to WAKING UP .......... hey!
B xxx ;D ;D ;D
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I have a long series on Erikson's stages of development. It is incomplete--hopefully I will complete it in the new year when I have time...one more day left of working grave yard job!!!
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/lifecycleanddevelopment-erikerikson.html (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/lifecycleanddevelopment-erikerikson.html)
LINK needs to be fixed.......
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RCR
let me know if you want any help? as my 1st degree was physiology and have ever since continued reading up on this subject as well as using it in my day job - marketing etc
B x
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Your comments about a MLC H having an idenity crisis really hits home for me. My H a couple days after he left came to visit and actually said with tears streaming down his face "I just don't fit in anywhere". He also was feeling that it was pitiful that he was 56 years old and couldn't express his feelings. He later called on his way back to his mom's house saying, "I am a broken man and I don't know what to do with all the pieces".
My H when growing up became the man of the house at the age of 13. He had three younger sisters, and a mom that didn't even drive. He had kicked his dad out of the house, told his mom it was either the old man goes or I do.
My heart goes out to him but now it is difficult to have too much simpathy when he is hurting me and his family so much.
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OP--bewildered first posted this story on my thread. I suggested she begin a new post with "return" stories as there is always hope.
Yes, it's more of the same old, same old, BUT the key thing is he returned :)
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P
I had to ask OP to post it as I couldnt get my computer or the web to - it kept freezing ..
I strted it as you sugested but thought that if I used the word returned it limited the journey stories as Im sure many MLC H/W may want to return but either lack the ciourage or the LBS is no longer interested?
B
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Thankyou for posting this...it is always good to see a reconciliation story!
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CW
yes I agree - good news is always hopeful ?
wish it was something we could understand the trigger that gives the MLC er the courage to see the situation clearly enough to give the MLC er to the abiliyu to try and return .......
B xx
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In the case of my ex-wife, I knew the not being good enough was an issue. In our case, though, the not good enough has been her view of herself through her parents eyes. When I read "Women in Midlife Crisis", this was one of the parts that directly hit home. There is a piece in that book from Dr Dobson that talks about self-esteem, or lack thereof, as an adult being directly related to the developmental years. The book also has an excellent part on depression. Lack of self-esteem, depression, negativity, hopelessness.....all tied together in the perfect storm that is MLC.
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Thank you for posting this. I remain hopeful but sometimes I am weary of the time involved. But then I remind myself that I have been with my H for 23 years and that if I WANT to wait for a few years then I will need to find the patience to edure. I always say that I am standing for now as I don't know how I will feel or where I will be when I complete MY journey.
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Sometimes I may sound like a broken record on this, but RCR has an excellent article on this website called MLC Takes Time. With the information that RCR has written combined with the info the Conways have written, I have an understanding and even an empathy for my ex-wife. I still find it both amazing and amazingly sad how a lack of emotional development during adolescence can cause these issues at midlife.
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Nearly four years ago Linda Shafer, divorced and living alone with her dog in Oklahoma City, logged onto her computer after a long day of social work and entered the world of Internet chat rooms. One man sparked her interest. They started a private conversation.
"This wasn't the usual 'how much do you weigh' or 'what color is your hair?' " says Shafer, a social worker with the federal government. "This was different."
As it turned out, he lived close by. After a few weeks of intense, personal dialogue, he suggested they meet for lunch. He was married with children.
"This was the stupid part," says Shafer, her voice soft, kind, a voice that troubled families--her clients--can trust. "I thought it would be harmless just to meet a married man for lunch. Well, I met him."
Shafer didn't know it at the time, but she had already entered stage three of an extramarital affair that would last 3 1/2 years, bringing her moments of bliss, hours of sorrow.
Nearly all affairs--yes, even yours--follow very specific patterns. They generally fall into four stages, according to several family researchers. Stage One: You develop a close emotional bond. This is the talking stage. For Shafer, it occurred on the Internet. For others, it happens at work or in the neighborhood. You get to know each other, about each other. There's a spark.
Stage Two: You keep it a secret. You don't tell your spouse or your friends that you are attracted emotionally to this person. "You know you're in deep when you decide to keep the relationship secret," says Florida psychologist Debbie Layton-Tholl. "Fantasy and secrets are very powerful. They fuel the fire."
Stage Three: You have lunch, play tennis. This is the dating phase, though you might not know it. You start seeing each other, doing things together. You might tell yourself this is just a colleague, just a friend.
Stage Four: Well. You know.
At that point you are engaged in an intense sexual and emotional liaison. Sometimes extramarital affairs lead to new marriages. Other times, they are roller-coaster relationships that last only months, or a few years. And then there are affairs that become lifelong relationships. Think of CBS correspondent Charles Kuralt, whose 30-year romance was exposed posthumously, shocking fans of his television program, "Sunday Morning."
According to researchers and eyewitnesses, thousands of people have life-changing affairs and use nearly identical language to describe the passion, betrayal and pain associated with them. "No one ever made me feel like that before." "I wanted to kill myself." "If I had to choose one person to live with me on a deserted island, it would be him." Or "her."
Family therapists and affair survivors--or casualties, depending on how the affair turns out--urge people to acknowledge the prevalence of affairs and to start talking openly about them. Only such honesty, they believe, will help illuminate the psychodynamics of these relationships and help people understand--and perhaps avoid--the pain that they can cause.
"Extramarital affairs are one of the most taboo subjects in our culture," says Janis Abrahms Spring, author of "After the Affair" (HarperCollins, 1997) and a supervisor at Yale University. They are "so extraordinarily traumatizing," she says. "And yet we talk about them only when we are making jokes."
The Fall
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(By Mark Zingarelli-The Post)
"We just slide into it," explains Baltimore psychologist Shirley Glass, who specializes in couples and extramaritial affairs. "Often, the attraction begins at work. Women have become more involved in previously male-dominated professions. They work closely, seeing each other at their best. A friendship develops. If you are not careful, the friendship becomes too intimate and eventually sexualized. The chemistry intensifies. Sparks fly."
Maybe you even fall in love.
Stage One is the innocent prelude during which the emotional connection is formed. A former police officer in upstate New York who had an eight-month affair says he didn't see it coming. It was early in his marriage, before he became a police officer, and he was working evenings, managing a fast-food restaurant.
"One of the workers and I just developed this friendship," he says in a telephone interview, the sounds of his two kids, chattering in the background. He moves to a different phone and explains: "It wasn't about hopping into bed with someone. We talked for four months before anything sexual happened."
But inevitably, the relationship moved through the stages. One night after closing, he and the woman were talking passionately about personal issues, as usual. She asked him to help her fix a light in the men's bathroom. "I was in there, and suddenly the door opened and she came in and closed the door and kissed me," he says. "I kissed her back."
Meanwhile, he kept the relationship a secret. His wife eventually found out about it after finding a note in his pants pocket. Standard movie-script fare.
It's a common plot, a cliche scenario played out in movies, novels and government hallways. Fumbled kisses. Groping in Nissan Altimas. Steamy Comfort Inns. Shafer, the social worker, met her lover in a hotel room for three years. "I'm in my mid forties, and we would make out in the car like we were 16," she says. "There's a certain high to that."
But there is the larger human element that muddies up the script, and the very real and devastating pain that often follows. Even when the affair marks the beginning of a new, healthier, long-term relationship, it comes at a price. Someone, somewhere in an extramarital affair, always loses.
Yet affairs often feel like love. "You get very close emotionally and physically very quickly, but it's a fake closeness," says Shafer. "For him, it was out of sight, out of mind. For me, the day after was always the hardest."
Often these relationships are stormy. Shafer broke off the relationship several times. One breakup lasted seven months. The final breakup came more than three years after she connected with him on the Internet. She reached the point where he disgusted her. The final straw came one day after he had taken a shower. "He said, 'I think I still smell like you,' and it just made me sick to my stomach," she recalls. "That was it. I had had it." He left, and that was the last time she saw him.
Shafer says the deception hurt the most. "The relationship can never go anywhere. You're making a banquet out of crumbs." She discounted the possibility that the affair would lead to marriage. "Even if a person gets divorced, the new relationship is still based on a lie," she says.
"I knew what I was getting into," she continues. "But I didn't get out of it without getting hurt." Near the end, it was clear to her that he was seeing someone new, another affair. "At times I feel like I still love him, but what do I love?"
The Allure of the Secret
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Statistics on the frequency of affairs don't add up. People lie, even in anonymous polls. Also, general polls are often not reliable: an 18-year-old who says he's never had an affair isn't saying much.
The percentage of those who say they have had affairs ranges from 25 percent to 75 percent of all males and 15 percent to 60 percent of women. Pyschologist Layton-Tholl, who specializes in Internet research and has interviewed 3,600 people who have had affairs, says the current acceptable statistic is roughly half of all men and women--including the persons victimized by the deception--get involved in extramarital affairs. Abrahms Spring, who has worked with couples for more than 25 years, says affairs affect one of every 2.7 couples.
But enough math. The point is, most people will have some exposure to infidelity. Maybe it will be you, your spouse, a sibling, a friend, a parent (the dreaded box of love letters in the attic) or someone admired from afar, like, say, Kuralt. His long-term relationship came to light after his death when the "other woman" pressed her claim for the Montana house she had shared with him for so many years. They had spent Christmases together, gone on vacation together.
Kuralt is hardly the only one. Famous names recently in the media: Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, Marion Barry, Thomas Jefferson, Prince Charles, French President Francois Mitterand (whose mistress stood beside his wife at his funeral), Gary Hart, Frank Gifford, Bill Cosby, poet James d!ckey, writer John Cheever, Martin Luther King, television evangelist Jim Bakker (whatever happened to Tammy?) and Rep. Bob Livingston.
What is it about affairs? What is it about passion--defined literally as "suffering"? Why do people risk everything for that stolen kiss, sweaty palms, rapid heart rate? Why do writers dramatize the suffering in popular mythology? Remember "Bridges of Madison County," "The English Patient," "Gone With the Wind," and the this year's Academy Award winner for Best Picture, "Shakespeare In Love."
"It's a drug," says Shafer of Oklahoma. "It's a fix. You can't wait until the next time. It's very addicting. You feel you can't live without it."
Florida researcher Layton-Tholl focuses specifically on the allure of secret relationships. People who keep them report far greater arousal, passion and obsession than with nonsecret relationships. (Not unlike the very early days of perfectly legitimate relationships, before you tell your friends and family that you are "in love.")
The signs and symptoms are familiar. People "in love" fantasize, pine, obsess. They lose sleep and weight. "I've talked to men who 15 years after the affair still wonder what she's doing," says Layton-Tholl.
How interesting that they reach such romantic heights only out of context from their daily lives. But is it love?
In "After the Affair," Abrahms Spring draws distinctions between romantic love and mature love. "Romantic love is an intense but unwarranted attachment that you, the unfaithful partner, may feel toward your lover," she explains. You think the love must be real because the chemistry between you is so explosive. You are willing to sacrifice so much for this passion. "The blind spot behind this feeling--what you fail to see," she writes, "is that your so-called grand passion may have more to do with your unmet childhood needs than with who this other person really is."
Love also experiences changes on a physiological level. In the throes of romantic love, people experience a high from natural amphetamine-like chemicals such as dopamine and norepinephrine. "In the next stage of love," she writes, "the brain releases endorphines--natural painkillers that soothe and create a sense of security and calm."
On the cognitive side, a perceptual distortion takes place. "You idealize the other person, assigning him or her more positive attributes than any one person could actually possess," continues Abrahms Spring. "At the same time, you're likely to paint your partner in equally distorted, but negative terms, as a foil for your lover."
Personal Trauma
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Falling in love is obviously not confined to infidelity. Most contemporary marriages start out with romantic love. But, therapists say, couples have to grow up and understand that "feelings of love are neither steady nor constant but travel in natural cycles," as Abrahms Spring puts it. "If your relationship doesn't live up to your ideas about love, the problem may be not with your relationship but with your ideas," she writes.
Falling out of love with a spouse--and in love with someone else often rekindles that early experience of romantic love. It's why lovers say "He (or she) made me feel young again."
But sooner or later, lovers in an extramarital affair have to confront the dynamic nature of their relationship and move on to a deeper bond. Or sever the connection.
Just why people have affairs has no single answer. Each case is different. Researchers point to a combination of issues in the individual and in the marriage. Personal issues run the gamut of pop psychology from low self-esteem to midlife crises in which people question everything at work and at home.
Marital problems may stem from getting married very young or having a job that takes a spouse away from home--emotionally as well as physically.
With so many different factors, researchers resist a cookie-cutter formula to explain infidelity. Nor do they use such labels as "bad marriage" or "weakness of character."
"It's a mistake to think that only people with personal weaknesses have affairs," explains Peggy Vaughan, co-author with her psychologist husband of six books on extramarital affairs, including "The Monogamy Myth" (Newmarket Press, 1998) and "Beyond Affairs" (out of print), in which the Vaughans detail the husband's 17 affairs over a period of seven years and describe how they rebuilt their marriage. "It's far more complicated than that," she says.
Another factor involves societal attitudes not only about celebrities who have affairs but also about sex. "As a society, we give a lot of lip service to--but actually undermine--monogamy," says Vaughan. "We learn at a very early age to associate sex with deception and secrecy. By not talking to our teens about sex, for example, we show them to keep it secret," she says. That sets up an expectation, she argues, that sexual fulfillment can only be attained in secret relationships.
Secrecy, many researchers maintain, is the enemy of monogamy. Abrahms Spring notes how difficult it is even for patients to talk about infidelity and how many of them try to hide affairs in the initial phase of therapy.
"My focus is extramarital affairs. Obviously, that's why they come to me," she says, laughing softly at the irony. "But it takes them several sessions before they can speak of it."
The Aftermath
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The former police officer and his wife tried to repair the marriage, had another baby. A few years later, the wife had a short affair with someone she met on the Internet, then another. Eventually she left him.
"I cried for hours on the couch. I couldn't move," he says. "My wife never recovered from my affair. Years would go by and I wouldn't hear anything about it, then suddenly all this anger would come out."
Affairs rock your world. Life is never the same again. All parties involved experience a profound sense of loss and pain. The old status quo is gone. The future is uncertain.
"After finding out, the hurt partner experiences the most basic loss of self," says Abrahms Spring. "You feel alien in your own skin. Your most basic assumptions about the order of the universe have been turned upside down. It's devastating."
The person confessing to an infidelity experiences the full gamut: guilt, self-loathing. Often there is also relief. Leading a double life can become increasingly difficult for people engaged in affairs. Getting the truth out relieves them of carrying the burden of betrayal alone. To some therapists, honesty is essential, too, if the couple is to stay married and lay down a new framework for their relationship. Some people are glad that the affair is over and want to reestablish their marriage. "They're just so thankful to be with one person again in one place," explains Abrahms Spring. "They want to forgive and move forward."
The betrayed spouse may also find relief. Even if the affair seems to come out of the blue, the underlying causes of infidelity have probably been present for some time. Vaughan says she experienced relief when her husband told her the truth about his numerous affairs. "It was like a storm that flattens everything and allows fresh air to come through," she says. "The years of knowing subconsciously that something was wrong was much more painful that the two or so years it took us to recover."
Still the aftermath was hard. Vaughan has described how it took her almost a decade to rebuild her sense of self even though she and her husband had successfully reestablished their marriage in a couple of years. All in all, they've been married 43 years.
The "other" person, meanwhile, faces a whole different set of issues. How do you rebuild your life without the affair. At first there is profound aloneness and confusion. "She's not in the Bahamas or running around in mink," says Florida researcher Layton-Tholl. "She's at home, waiting for him to call, to explain himself and the promises he made."
All parties in extramarital affairs often report thoughts of suicide, according to family therapists. As Abrahms Spring writes in her book: "What people want to kill is not themselves but the pain."
Secrecy may be what sustains the affair while it is going on, but it also exacerbates the pain when it is over. Suddenly, there is no one to talk to. The loved one is gone. Unlike a death or divorce that prompts support from family and friends, the breakup of an affair goes largely unnoticed.
Yet everyone in the triangle suffers a sense of loss--a loss of self and a loss of love. Researchers believe the great hypocrisy in our culture is that while affairs are so prevalent, most people remain largely unsympathetic and closed to the complexities and pain. They slip into the stereotypes about infidelity and offer pat advice: Leave the no-good two-timer. Or focus on labels: Home wrecker. Or blame themselves: I wasn't sexy enough.
Cliches provide protection. "We don't want to believe that a man could have an affair on a wife who is loving and sensual and kind," says psychologist Glass. "That means it could happen to us."