Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: LeaveThePastBehind on October 10, 2011, 08:49:03 AM
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What I mean is, do you publicly use Facebook, Twitter and / or other sites / venues / methods to get their attention? I'm really curious about this. How does it affect them ( the other person included ) and do they ever respond to it?
I personally, do not use any of these, mostly because I'm very private with my life ( on & off line ) add also, because I really don't have a life that I'm proud of right now and I would never want to fake it ( maybe I should? Nah... ;D ).
So I'm wondering, for those of you who do have public profiles and such, do they take notice, especially if you're looking awesome, *Happy* and living your life?
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No, I don't. When things were good between us he had posted pics of us together, but then post BD he deleted all of his photos completely. I noticed but didn't say anything. He told me later without being asked that "people on another message board were Photoshopping obscene stuff on people's photos" and he didn't want that to happen to his. I didn't say anything, but I think that's total BS. Why would the other message board even have his real name? He also started saying all the time how much he hates Facebook.
He didn't post much on Facebook before and now he doesn't seem to at all, at least nothing I can see. I used to post every day. I don't as much anymore, but I also recently took him off of my close friends list so that he can't keep track of me so easily, although I'm not sure if he even looks or not. Either way I feel better about it.
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My husband has a FB page that he doesn't really use.. he has disabled it, enabled it, not sure why he claims to "Hate it!!" so much, except that one time he quoted a statistic about people having affairs through FB :o go figure!! That is not how he met his OW, by the way.
I have been on FB for some time, but not really active... it's a way for me to keep up with my friends across the country, to see what their kids are doing.... all of the youngsters I work with have "friended" me, and they are the only ones that post "couple" pictures of themselves and all sorts of lovey dovey stupid messages back and forth to each other...also, their breakup info.... it's embarrassing. I would never do that...
In my case, OW does not have a computer, except at work... does not have a FB page, or so I've been told, and I'm inclined to think this might be one of the very few truths I have heard about her.... BUT, she has stalked my page before... tried to use my GAL against me... whispering in my husband's ear that I'm a bad wife for going out and having fun... pics of me with 20 year old men that could be my son, LOL!! It totally backfired on her, and he DEFENDED me to her, telling her what a wonderful person and Mother and Wife I am, LOL!!
Once I found out she stalked me, at least once, I decided to keep my page WIDE OPEN for all to see..... I have some very cool friends... some are from the past, some are virtual, and some are real... OW must feel really inadequate when she sees the people I hang with...
I also use FB to communicate with my husband..... for instance, he "poked" me the other night... and tried to "chat", but he doesn't understand how to tell if I'm even online or not.... I wasn't, so there was no communication other than him telling me he was sorry for the umpteenth time.... this was done privately. Most people close their FB page to all but friends and family cuz some have STALKER OW that have no problem being PUBLIC in their contempt for the LBS... I would never engage in this behavior... but I am SNEAKY, so I use ANYTHING and EVERYTHING if it will benefit me...
Today, I got a text from my husband.... fishing, of course to see how angry I am.... and he mentioned "I'm so glad you love the Patriots!" which was a reference to a FB post I made last night "GO NEW ENGLAND" about the football game..... this tells me he pays attention... I know he gets a notification on his phone every time I post something... so even if he's at OW's with no internet connection, he can see what I'M doing.... or what I CLAIM to be doing, hahahaha!! Is this a manipulation? Yes. Is it game playing? Yes. Does it take up a lot of my time and attention? NO. I'm on there anyway for a little while every day.... so I do it.
He has expressed envy of all my "new friends" from this forum, which he does not ask about.... he fishes, but will not ask about what type of forum..... every time I get junk mail in my inbox, my phone chimes.... he THINKS it is a constant texting fest with all of my GAL friends, or possibly men after me.... I do not tell him otherwise. Why would I? I never look at my phone when he is here... I just let it chime, chime, and chime, hahahaha!! He thinks my online forum has to do with Al Anon..... I don't tell him otherwise, and one day, if he ever meets my forum friends, I will introduce them as my GALS.... ;)
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Here's my opinion:
I was against FB for many years because I am very private. however, after I got myself together a few weeks after BD, I started one. It did work to my advantage. I found out who OW was (my H never imagined I'd use FB) through deduction and fooling a blabbermouth friend. I used the FB to flatter myself. I would not show any wild pix or anything. Just happy, smiling family stuff and how proud I was of my kids and the things I was involved in. I looked "together" which was in sharp contrast to OW's predictions that I was a slovenly, moocher crying her pathetic eyes out at home.
H also noticed all my old male friends happily becoming friends. They are almost all married, but H couldn't tell. For all he knew, they were swirling in interest.
OW, predictably, obsessed over it. I was unattractive she told my H at first. But sometimes she'd say, "she's not so unattractive." or to H "you think she's prettier, don't you?" and "she's got a bigger rack" or "I thought you said she was fat. she's not fat." and "you must still love her if you are jealous of the men"
yeah baby.
On another thread I posted how I -ooops -- posted a picture of our family at my daughter's birthday party and my H had his arm around me. The picture was a little forced, but there it was and I "mistakenly" made it available to "public". This made OW lose it, and yell at H and call him all sorts of names, throw stuff at him, threaten to leave and over all, lose her supposedly confident, cool, superior facade.
H did accuse me initially: "you are a manipulator, just like SHE said."
I did not react. I apologized for being a newbie on FB, but turned the tables and used her manipulator comment to my advantage:
me: i thought she was confident in your relationship. Is she worried?
H: she knows you want me back
Me: but she knows YOU don't want to come back, so no amount of arms around me will change that. Does she sense something to make her insecure?
H: i guess she's an insecure person
Me: I thought she was perfect. Hmmmm. She's like everyone else in the world. She's lonely, she wants security. She's missing something in her life. She has to start to grow up a little and gain confidence if she wants a relationship with you or anyone else to work out. After all, we will still get together for our kids' stuff. Will she be insecure and lose it each time? Wonder what that's going to be like.
H: yeah, that's weird.
Me: does she think you are easily manipulated?
H: she must
Me: well, maybe she'll calm down and see she over-reacted. She's confused and nervous. If she was stable in your relationship, she wouldn't have reacted like that. Seems like she's got something to work on. In the meanwhile, now that I know how insecure and sensitive she is, I will look at the privacy settings on FB.
Of course, I was thinking all the while, "yeah right. Hope she chokes on it."
Games? Maybe. But FB can work if you don't overdo it. I wanted it to be tasteful. I wanted it to represent a woman who is smart, conservative and a nurturing mother who is involved in upstanding, respectable organizations. There were no pictures of me partying or dating. Every now and then I'd say I saw a great movie, but I didn't say who i went with. I kept the post about the plot and my opinion of it. I left H and OW wondering, and OW wondering if H was wondering...and so on. OW also made the mistake of making fun of our D13's picture on FB and H got angry.
Eventually, OW took herself off as FB friend of his. She told him that she became obsessed with my FB and it was torturing her. Once H came back home to us, she blocked us both. She'd have to rely on friends to say what was going on or look for our public posts through her kids. It must have killed her to see his message on FB on our anniversary on how much he loved me and was glad I Stood for our marriage. Friends posted on our vacations pictures comments like "Thank G*d, all is right in the world again...." He also posted pictures of parties he had at our home for his coworkers. She wasn't invited. If i was her, I'd block us too.
I creep onto hers through my kids. It isn't public, but i can see her friends and limited posts. Her attorney, who was my husband's attorney, is now her FB friend, but the attorney has also blocked me and H. This is where FB can hurt, because I realized OW was the one that got the attorney for my H and spear-headed the old "Let's leave our spouses at the same time and run away together" plan. But, it's over, so that's that.
So FB can help you if you use it wisely. It can open you up to pain too. Keep it small and respectable. Show calm, cool, detached security of a woman who is confident and upstanding.
I'm no expert, and others may have their opinions, but this is what I did.
angelgirl
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I am pretty active on some websites and forums, and in a small community of people on Twitter and Google+; as such, I don't use my real name on any of the sites about divorce or MLC that I frequent.
My wife has a G+ account (she was invited by a friend, not me) but she never really used Facebook and deleted her account shortly before she moved out.
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I have FB and Twitter. I gauge the progress of H's relationship via OW FB page. From that I new the day they met, the day she announced "if only we could be together" and the day OW anounced "today my dreams came true"......you guessed it bomb drop day! I also knew when OW went abroad for a week and where she works etc etc.
I am glad I can keep an eye it makes me feel better in a way.
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This is all very interesting to me. See, I did the complete opposite and never gave him / her the opportunity to find out anything about me although I'm sure they've heard of some things through other people. I never checked up on them either ( hurts too much ).
" In my case, OW does not have a computer, except at work... does not have a FB page, or so I've been told, and I'm inclined to think this might be one of the very few truths I have heard about her.... BUT, she has stalked my page before... tried to use my GAL against me... whispering in my husband's ear that I'm a bad wife for going out and having fun... pics of me with 20 year old men that could be my son, LOL!! It totally backfired on her, and he DEFENDED me to her, telling her what a wonderful person and Mother and Wife I am, LOL!! "
This is great! That's also one of the reasons I never wanted anything public. I would hate for the other person to know any of my business.
" me: i thought she was confident in your relationship. Is she worried?
H: she knows you want me back "
Oh Gosh, lol!
"Games? Maybe. But FB can work if you don't overdo it. I wanted it to be tasteful. I wanted it to represent a woman who is smart, conservative and a nurturing mother who is involved in upstanding, respectable organizations. There were no pictures of me partying or dating. "
This would definitely be the way I would use it. I would never want to fake it and portray someone I'm not but it probably wouldn't hurt to show that I'm moving on.
I will consider starting a Facebook after all, not really for him but maybe it'll be a good way for me to overcome my anxieties and start getting a life of my own :D . Hey, why not? Everyone's doing it! ;D
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"I am glad I can keep an eye it makes me feel better in a way."
Oh, I think this would literally kill me. I've mentioned this on several posts but I have *never* even seen other person's face. I could if I wanted to ~ they were ( or are ~ don't even know if they're still together ) very public with their *relationship* ( so I've heard once or twice ). I try not to give her any attention because, to me, she really doesn't matter. But, maybe I'm just not strong enough. I admire anyone who can see and here it all and still go on.
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Nope. I defriended H on FB about a month after he left. Not that I care what he thinks - but I am sure he thought I was "punishing" him. Actually, I just did not want to know anything about what he was doing. I get curious from time to time, but honestly, I really am very glad that I have not had to have that reminder of him in my life. My sister says her rarely posts anything and if he does it is just photos of my kids on his sofa playing with the cat... yawn... such a wild mlc life he leads. Leading up to BD he was Mr Teenage FB drama king, though - new bands being posted all the time, befriending EVERYONE in the world practically (desperate for popularity, big saddo). Ooops S&D, no disparaging the MLCer!!! Must remind myself...
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"Nope. I defriended H on FB about a month after he left. Not that I care what he thinks - but I am sure he thought I was "punishing" him. Actually, I just did not want to know anything about what he was doing. I get curious from time to time, but honestly, I really am very glad that I have not had to have that reminder of him in my life."
I had a Myspace that I barely used back then and he tried to contact me through there and I blocked him. He also tried to reach my through my Flickr account and I blocked him their, too.
"My sister says her rarely posts anything and if he does it is just photos of my kids on his sofa playing with the cat... yawn... such a wild mlc life he leads. Leading up to BD he was Mr Teenage FB drama king, though - new bands being posted all the time, befriending EVERYONE in the world practically (desperate for popularity, big saddo). Ooops S&D, no disparaging the MLCer!!! Must remind myself..."
;D You wrote that in such a funny way! Mine was a "Mr Teenage FB drama king" too but yeah, I never even looked. Don't know if he's still doing all that.
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I have a Myspace, Facebbok and Twitter. Myspace existed before husband left. Still pretty much for what it was, adding bands I like. Both Facebook and Twitter are closed. Only people I accept can see it. Husband's and OW2 FB and Twitter are closed.
I have my SIL on my FB, so I can see their comments on her posts and they can see mine. They can also, if they like, ask her to see my FB. I have nothing husband/marriage/OW related there. Just post things I like, photos, features, music, movie trailers. Not much about my personal life, nor photos of myself or relatives.
Twitter is for professional reasons so the talks there are professional.
I know about husband and OW2 teenage FB romance because of theirs posts on SIL and people that, now and then ask: have you seen what he posted/where he has been has, etc. No, I have not.
Husband as a professional FB. Nothing personal going on there.
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I am considering the whole Facebook thing but, honestly, I really have no idea why I am ::) . It's just not my thing. Mainly, I think it's because lately I've been feeling the urge to not hide anymore as I've been doing. It's not that I've been hiding from him necessarily ( maybe I am, I'm not sure ) but I just have so much work to do on myself and I've never felt comfortable enough to showcase life or fake it / play games. Maybe if I had a Life I would feel differently. That's preciciely why I'm here though :) .
Even if I did publicly display myself in a flattering way, I think the only response I would get from him would be: "I'm glad to see that you're doing well and are finally happy and you look nice". But see, then I wouldn't want to have that anxious feeling to be checking every hour to see if he's checking.
Do I make sense? I feel like I'm babbling :) .
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Stargazer, you can set your profile to private so that only certain people have access to it. You don't have to let him see anything! I like it because I can keep in touch with friends and family that I wouldn't see much of otherwise, but I would definitely not leave anything open to the public! I don't think you can tell who is checking your profile or not though, unless they post a comment or message. But if it's not your thing in the first place, then no need to bother really.
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StargazerGirl, there's no rule that says you should have FB account!! Do what you want to do... you asked the question, you saw that we all answered differently according to how WE feel about OUR sitch..... go with your gut... if it's not you, then don't lose any sleep over it!!
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As long as you keep posting here! :)
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Star, but why have a FB because of him? If you are going to make one make it for yourself. Besides, he can only see what you let him see. You want to draw his attention? Why?...
Why would you not display yourself in a flattering away? Do you not feel well with yourself? I don't mean you should lie...
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It's not that I want to start one for him really. I mean, I am curious to know how he would react ( maybe he doesn't even look for me online or elsewhere anymore ) but I wouldn't ever do it simply to get his attention. It would definitely only happen for me first. I'm just wondering about the typical reactions from the other mlc's when they see you online especially if, as in my case, you normally keep your info private or spontaneously switched to a public profile.
AnneJ, sorry I didn't mean to imply that I thought that you thought I needed to lie ;) . I was playing around with the functions and that bright red shadow showed up ;D .