Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Silmarion on October 17, 2011, 03:43:03 PM
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I'm curious.....
Although I've been abandoned in the marriage, the more self-processing I do, the more I feel like the Spouse who was betrayed, left etc but...not left behind.
The reason for the discussion is because I feel it makes a difference about the words we use to identify with ourselves ie victim rather than survivor and one from the UK: 'grumpy old men/women' rather than opinionated.
So LBS - left behind....maybe at the beginning I felt this but now....LS only. Or even recovering spouse (RS). If we are looking for 3 letters then...NLS - non leaving spouse? Hey, maybe we can graduate from LBS to NLS then SSS (still standing spouse!!!) ;D ;D
My H is so far away and has def not moved on, as far as I can see. So who is the LBS -him or me?
Sil x
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They are, or they become, the LBS.
Don't feel like a LBS at all, more like an someone who overcome the fact she was part of a marriage and a LBS. So, a survivor, not a victim.
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That's a very good point Sil.
LBS to start with for sure, but before too long, we leave the MLCer so far behind us - we do need a name change :)
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what about Advanced Forward Spouse?
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SIL,
Other sites refer to us as BS. Betrayed Spouse.
What about FS - Faithful Spouse!
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Still, betrayed spouse is fine at first or has a legal definition, in any other context it sounds awful! Glad here we do not use that.
Well, faithfull spouse is nice but, an expression that would represent what kikki said, the idea that, from a certain point on we have left the MLCer far behind, that indicates movement, IMHO would be more apropriated and more GALing. What is your opinion?
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Thanks for the feedback people.
Yes, I agree - there is movement and both H and I have moved but not necessarily in the same direction. As the name 'Replay' suggests to me, he is more on a hamster wheel movement. Not saying I'm never on my one too, but I do certainly feel as if there is a going forward (as Annej suggests) rather than a being the last in line.
SP - you are right, I certainly felt the betrayal part (and still do) although I don't want to label myself that.
More thoughts please esp for those who really do feel like the LBS?
Sil x
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Like you folks I felt LBS at the beginning. Now I feel that I am moving forward (MFS?) faster than H. My life is changing and progressing and I am slowly (with some back and forths) getting better/healing. I also feel that my relationship with my children is strong and moving forward, whereas he does not realise how much he has lost with them - time and bonding that he will NEVER get back, because he felt that shagging a desperate young gold-digger from the office (and living with her) was more important than working on maintaining a constant and meaningful relationship with his children - trying to work out the marriage so that the children could have him in their lives was not an option for him. If he ever realises what he threw away, I suspect that that aspect of it will be amongst the hardest damage to repair. If he never figures it out then I feel terrible that I chose him to be their father. He was not the man I imagined he was and they have always deserved better than what he has offered in the last couple of years (which is not much).
I feel that most of us on here, after some months of soul-searching, will have developed wisdom about human nature and ourselves and those around us, that leaves our MLCers in the relative dark ages. Greater Wisdom Spouse?
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Good discussion Sil. Goodness, not sure what we should be called. There are some that do remain LBS's but not too darn many that I have seen. SSS can leave out those who decide to move on and not stand, at least remain standing for their spouse. I think most of us remain standing for ourselves, whichever way this thing ends. Betrayed spouse, icky! Once you know you have been betrayed, you are not being betrayed any longer, so that doesn't work. I definitely agree about not feeling like a left behind spouse. Once again, once I knew about the betrayal, realized he was most likely having a midlife crisis, the only person who was LEFT BEHIND was him.
How's about In Process Spouse or Spouse in Process? Whatever, the optimism being expressed makes me smile. Good signs of acceptance, healing and moving forward in such a jolly discussion.
hugs Stayed
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How about FFS?
(fast forward spouse)
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OOOOOOOOOOOoo long haul, not sure there was anything FAST about us getting to where we are now... I'm thinking fast is not a good word for the process we have been enduring lol
hugs stayes
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Yeah no kidding.... I keep thinking I'll be better next year and living months in the future hoping this empty feeling I have goes away.
I doesn't matter where you're at in this journey. There's a lot of pain if you move on; and a lot of pain if you go back. And it all takes a lot of time.
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So, so true long haul, hehehe... hugs Stayed
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So...
We don't feel we are 'behind' yet we don't feel we move too fast either....what about IS? Insightful Spouse? Could be us or MLCer as time goes on?
Sil x
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also feel that my relationship with my children is strong and moving forward, whereas he does not realise how much he has lost with them - time and bonding that he will NEVER get back, because he felt that shagging a desperate young gold-digger from the office (and living with her) was more important than working on maintaining a constant and meaningful relationship with his children - trying to work out the marriage so that the children could have him in their lives was not an option for him. If he ever realises what he threw away, I suspect that that aspect of it will be amongst the hardest damage to repair. If he never figures it out then I feel terrible that I chose him to be their father. He was not the man I imagined he was and they have always deserved better than what he has offered in the last couple of years (which is not much).
Not regarding our children, we don't bhave any, bur regarding our nephew, the other children of my family (husband does not know any of them but one, they born after he left) , and both our families, I think husband is missing a lot. Time, bonding, seeing the children grow, my siblings and cousings becoming parents, funerals that were attended, what makes a bif family a family. He will never know that, never lived through it.
That, the experiences the MLCer lacks as a member of the family is one of the reasons why I think, specially if a long time goes by and the MLCer is a vanisher, it will be very hard to rebuild a marriage. The spouses took very different aways and the MCLer lost contact with a side of life that will never be possible to catch up.
There will always be a huge gap between the LBS and the MLCer, with the scale up on the LBS side.
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Yes I agree AnneJ. The longer this takes with the MLCer out of everyone's lives, the more likely you are to go your own separate ways. Makes sense.
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Yes I agree AnneJ. The longer this takes with the MLCer out of everyone's lives, the more likely you are to go your own separate ways. Makes sense.
Yes it makes. Not what, at first, a stander is expecting, but that is the likewood.
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As I'm understanding this, the LBS moves - sometimes forward, sometimes backwards. The MLCer however, may not (I say may, 'cos it is fair to say that not all MLCer's remain stagnant as I guess some LBSer's will not feel movement and will def feel left behind).
I feel the sadness of the loss, as mentioned here, which is irreplaceable. I cannot change my H or rescue him from the losses. By being aware of the loss, I sometimes feel even further ahead than my H as he is unable to connect to loss at this time.
The 'lighthouse' analogy RCR gives, fits for me here. Because I have moved on, I am literally, lighter.....what about Light Bearing Spouse?
For some, this will not fit as they might feel responsible for their spouse - maybe it's just one I like!!!? :D and tomorrow, I might have a very different result for the acronym.
For those who want to move on - Leaving Behind Spouse? Don't know, just thoughts.
Sil x
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Sil, as I understand it - as long as we are learning our lessons and facing up to ourselves and the things that we need to heal, then we move WAY ahead of our spouses. They are stuck in replay most of them - escape and avoid. They aren't learning a thing. We start rejoicing if they even have one small insight into their bizarre choices.
The learning and moving forward for our spouses (if it happens) is much further down the track ...
That's why we need to be the lighthouse - showing them the way in their dark
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Sil, as I understand it - as long as we are learning our lessons and facing up to ourselves and the things that we need to heal, then we move WAY ahead of our spouses. They are stuck in replay most of them - escape and avoid. They aren't learning a thing. We start rejoicing if they even have one small insight into their bizarre choices.
The learning and moving forward for our spouses (if it happens) is much further down the track ...
That's why we need to be the lighthouse - showing them the way in their dark
Sil, agree with kikki. When he are deling with our lessons, healing, even if we move backwards sometimes (and we all do), we are moving forwards. When we process what happened, understand it, manage to process and digest it, we become wiser, more mature, more compassionated.
Our spouses are not learning anything. They are just in replay, runnig while they lead what my look like a fantastic life. They don't stop enough to learn, they do not let any space ans silence in. My husband had told me, during and after OW1 that he could not stop, otherwise we would had to think. He wrote OW1, before BD, that if he though about what he was doing, he would not be able to do it because it was agains his values. So, he choose to go with his heart.
After OW1 and before OW2 come along, he said to me that OW1 had been bad timming and not a good idea for solving problems. By then he still thought problems = me, the bad spouse. Don't think he had learned a thing. OW2 did not took long to come into play and he went on to live a merry crazy deep replay life, plus doing even more desastruous things.
But, kikki, when they are vanisher they do not see us. They cannot see the light...So I say...And, in my husband's case, he is not done with replay, far from it, has not yet done enough damage, let alone hit rock botton. So, a million miles from learning, moving forward and catching up wit me.
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Sil, my W mentioned to me that it was ME who abandoned HER... which is why she decided to move on (become the WAS)... for many reasons, this was important for her...
It all ends up being a matter of perspective... I'm sure that regardless of all the re-writing of history the MLCer does... in many of their minds... it is really THEM that are the LBS...
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Sil, I like Ligh Bearing Spouse
kaffe, my husband also told me, when I had to live our marital home and come back to my hometown, that I had abandoned him. He also told the court he left because I made him so, I was always argumenting with him and did not took care of him. ::)
I guess it's whatever makes them feel less guity.
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I know it is all subjective at the end of the day. What I believe is moving forward, someone else may see as not moving at all or moving backwards!!
However, I know something coming from this thread appears to be we are not 'left behind,' as much as we may have felt when BD first happened. Left, yes. Behind, no.
I like the suggestions about moving forward and being ahead. It's also interesting reading that some of the MLCer's felt abandoned too. I'd guess if my H had a voice here he too, would feel I'd abandoned him in some ways hence his reason for actually leaving in the end.
It's also true that I have many times almost put out that metaphorical 'light!'
Sil x
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Yes, we are not "left behind". We were left, but we are not behind. Not as we were at BD. Maybe we were never really behind...we just felt that way.
We are moving forward. With or withou the marriage, with or withourt a retourning spouse. And very much ahead of them.
It may be possible that the MCLers really felt abandoned but mine only told me that six months after BD when I had to move back home because of all the financial destruction he had caused.
Light, for me is not only on the sense of lighthouse but also as not heavy. MCLers have the heavy burden, we become lighter and lighter.
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Practicing Unconditionals Daily we're PUDs :o
They're Tunnel Challenged ???
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falls about laughing, while trying to type return message...... :D ;D :P ;D
Sil x
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Practicing Unconditionals Daily we're PUDs :o
They're Tunnel Challenged ???
Would say they are more tunnel fu** up! ;D
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My H - about a year post BD, and 6 mths after running from home to hobags place, said that he felt abandoned by me and the boys!!! :o :o :o
Think it was because he'd just moved into his own place and was obviously trying to make his two camps work exactly as he wanted them to.
The boys weren't playing his game and refused to go over there very often. Poor lamby!!!! My heart bleeds for him ........ he's so confused ???
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KiKi, I love these :o :o :o They are perfect for this MLC discussion board.
They are left behind...Mine said I pushed him away :o :o :o :o
My best friend describes it as 'he put his clothes in a bandana and tied it to a stick and said "I'm going to joey's house. Joey's mother doesn't make him do chores. It's FUN over there!" I think she may be on to something :o :o :o ::)
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;D Mamma - that is a brilliant way of looking at it 'Going to Joey's house with bandana and stick - No chores and FUN' ;D
Pushed yours away? Does he mean you tied his bandana to the stick for him?
Ooops - don't they get a shock before too long - Like too much candy - it all becomes too much before too long :o
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Ooops - don't they get a shock before too long - Like too much candy - it all becomes too much before too long :o
No, they never have enough! They're teenagers!
Too bad my husband has chores. He is the one who cleans his and OW2 fancy flat. ;D
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MB, you make it sound as if we should have the following letters for the MLCer: SVO - spouse who visits Oz (as in the Wizard of...)
'...I don't think we're in Kansas anymore..." ;D
Sil x