Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: LisaLives on November 05, 2011, 05:51:04 PM
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Really, I still don't understand how my exH can have a high functioning job that requires him to be exceptionally on all the time, travel back and forth across the country to see his kids, maintain two houses (of course she probably does most of the work for the one out there, but he still has one here), but be such a total and complete dunce when it comes to anything surrounding our marriage or relationship...
How can it be that I have talked to his best friend from college and his wife practically every day for the better part of the last five years through three crises, and he never once talked to them, yet yesterday after I mentioned something his friend said to me a week ago, he tells me he talked to same friend "not because I said anything, but because he always talks to him." WTF, how or why could he tell such a weird and blatant lie? He also said in the past couple days that he never tried to get out of paying CS, but he did and I have all the attorney correspondence to prove it. There are a hundred more lately, some even more bizarre, but mostly uninteresting...
And he really, truly does not understand why S15 might be mad at him, or how I could possibly believe that he never loved me, or that I don't understand that he still loves me and has done "all of this" for us, so he could be a better dad... I know I have always had a hard time embracing MLC, but it is so freaking weird to me, I just don't get it. I know I am too logical and rational but, how does OW and his family not see how crazy he is--is he really only crazy to me? I seriously still go to therapy once a month, so I can check in and make sure I am not the crazy one... If it wasn't so, so, so sad, it would be comical, but it's my life, so it's almost scary in a B-movie sort of way...
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Good question, Lisa. Also can't really get how my husband manages to keep 3 jobs, one of which demands that he spends endless hours awake till the morning, and then, straight to another job, travel around the country and the rest of Europe and be, or looks like he is, so lost about all the rest.
OW looks to me as loony as he does (she also stays awake when he does and travels around with him all the time), so, she may see nothing wrong with him. His family have no idea...
Maybe just like someone has once told me here in the forum, the family does not want to see how messed up he his...
Or maybe they spend all their energy in their jobs and travels and have nothing left to put into thinking about the marriage/relashionship and that is why OW/OM ara so handy, they help them forget all else.
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MLC is definitely hard to wrap our heads around.
Here is part of RCR's MLC Overview article
There are many who witness the Cycling and Chaotic behaviour and conclude that Midlifers know exactly what they are doing. Since the behaviour cycles, there are pockets of rationale and clarity. Some are able to compartmentalize their lives, functioning at work and other activities away from the home. It is not that the Midlifers do not care, but rather that they must shield themselves from caring. They feel they must do whatever it is they are doing even when internally admitting it is wrong. They steel themselves emotionally; but they are not without guilt; rather I believe that for many it is the opposite. Their guilt is so immense that the burden is overwhelming. They are running from the demons within themselves and from the burdening reminders of guilt from the spouse, whether she is actively laying guilt or not. In addition, OWs add guilt by forcing responsibility for their happiness and success on the midlifer, and then by punishing him when he cycles between her and his wife.
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I don't know.
I have witnessed MLC man in my office. In his fifth year of MLC - grasping frantically at Replay activity - with high highs and low lows. He was an excellent employee the first 15 years he worked at my company. The last 5 have been........well, let's just say he is lucky he still has a job. He was put under a new manager in July - things may change as this manager isn't aware of the stellar performance from years past...just the current lack of effort.
So, I don't know if they MLCer is really able to juggle the job as well as we may think. We hear of MLCers losing their jobs, getting demoted, etc. We LBS's ASSUME so much about how the MLCer is masking the depression and able to hide it pretty well. Maybe that is what WE see. Others may see things differently.
Again, I'm sure it is different with some MLCers - but I don't think that, for the most part, the MLCer is exceeding expectations in the workplace. Most of the time, they hate and resent their jobs, almost as much as they hate and resent their spouses.
As an LBS - I can say that I have been able to give less than stellar output this last year. I have tried to maintain myself as best I could - but, honestly, sometimes the lack of sleep, the fear, the depression - really did a number on me. I am just now starting to regain my equilibrium.
Just my experience.....
Limitless
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Lisa I thought that the fog was a result of the infatuation chemicals mixing with the depression (lack of serotonin etc)
Add to that the Stage they are in, Replay. So confusion works for them. Avoidance is easier if you forgot what it was you were trying to avoid or don't even know yet. :o :o
Seems like we LBS are so strong and kind and forgiving we can't imagine acting out in this fashion. Such strong urges they are dealing with or should I say NOT dealing with. Eventually the replay stuff makes them feel worse. Takes time. In the meantime the robotic portion of their mask goes to work and performs fine. Emotionally they are weak. That's why they say give ow R no credence. It's not real. It's a foggy hazey avoidance. And an ugly one to boot. LOL!!! ???
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No one realised how depressed I was.
I worked in banking, not only as a teller but as a loans officer for commercial so very techical stuff. but because I could do my job and do it well NO ONE knew I was struggling.
I then went to work as a hostess in a night club and survived on 2 hours of sleep often working from 6pm to 8am, 5 or 6 days a week, remember at the time I had run away was a single mum to a 3 year old and month old and did it for a year.
I compartmentalised like you wouldn't believe.
Once I returned to normalish I couldn't do it bt had no problem while depressed.
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limitless can you please tell me more about the behaviour of that man in your work that is now on year 5 of MLC? Do you notice changes from previous years?
Regarding work, for all I know, so far my husband manages pretty weel. He even got invited to do his third job because he so good. Don't think he hates any of his jobs, he quitedteh one he had when he left about an year after BD and took into something that he likes (or thinks he does)...
Shant how come you did not felt tired with so little sleep? My husband is been working like a mad man for more than 5 years, sometimes 7 days a week, goes out a lot to party and sleeps very little. He used to need at least 8 hours sleep. I'm amazed of how much he can endure...would think that, by now, he already had been flat tired...but, no, there seems to be no end to his energy...His normal self, at this point, would had been more than exausted and on sick leave from stress burnout and exaustion.
What made you stop, Shant? Did you hit rock bottom' Became to depressed and tired do keep up with such quick pace?
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I believe the mlcer is able to function at work because one yes they can compartmentalize and two many do not after think about what their doing at work as like a lot of jobs they become routine.many can work on auto pilot.........i read somewhere that although mlcers appear to be ok at work apparently it sucks the life out of them and this why nearer the end of the working shift they become narky and snappy as they struggle to wear that mask that tells the world their ok............as for the affair relationship LISA its easy to be someone your not with someone that doesn't know your back ground..how can o/w even think your h is crazy when she as nothing to compare him to...you can cos this not the man you knew for all them yrs...this is all the o/w knows.....she will know what crazy is though when he dumps her A$$ though ;) ;) lol xxxxxxxxxxx
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limitless can you please tell me more about the behaviour of that man in your work that is now on year 5 of MLC? Do you notice changes from previous years?
Anne,
I've known MLC man (that's what I call him) for 21 years. He and his ex-wife have 3 kids - a bit younger than mine. We spent many weekends and evenings - my family and his - having dinner, barbeques, etc. MLC man was an only child, raised by a single mother - whose own father abandoned him at birth. After his father died, and he (even in death) showed that he cared nothing about MLC man - MLC man took this VERY hard. He pretty much fell apart and had deep depression.
He went to AA - met another addict and started an affair. Left his wife and 3 kids and went off with the OW (I called her crack ow - as she really was a crack ow).
At work, he first told me that he was leaving his wife - as he no longer loved his wife and was terribly unhappy. He never mentioned about the OW. But, one of my male collegues knew. At first, he hid his affair. Told his boss he was going to AA meetings during lunch and into the afternoon. It turned out that he was out having afternoon delights. His co-workers caught on and began to really resent him. I remember, at that time, he worked in another department that required 24 hour service for their customers. Each of the employees took turns taking the 24 hour calls on their work cell phones. Well, he was always on his work cell phone. Constantly being texted to and called by OW. After his wife found out (naked photos of OW on his cell phone) then he would have many heated conversations with his wife.
He was extremely distracted. Did the minimum to get by. Had knock down - drag out arguments with his supervisor. He was eventually transferred to another department - where he became a department of one. After he and OW#1 broke up - he had a rotating number of girlfriends - all lasting a few months. He started to get tattoos and smoke. (Prior to this - he had no tattos and he never smoked). He was not dependable - complained about how bored he was at work, all the time. Missed a lot of work. He hooked up with the latest OW - who he has lived with for about 3 years. She recently kicked him out, but they are back dating again.
In the middle of last year - he hit a deep depression. Everytime I would pass his desk - the depression just oozed from him. He sees a counselor. He is on several different anti depressants. He started to dream and constantly think about the day he told his kids he was leaving. He was extremely depressed. Around the end of last year, he received a pretty bad review. It scared the cr*p out of him. He thought he was going to lose his job. He started paying attention to his work....started to accomplish things. His outlook improved and he even started to try to reconnect with his kids. I thought he had been on the road to recovery.
He even left the OW (well, she kicked him out) - but he was happy about it. He was going to start a new life.
But, he has now gone back to Replay activity. He cannot be alone. And, his ex-wife will have nothing to do with him. His kids have not forgiven him and are not exactly accepting his recent attention with arms open wide. He is/was easily discouraged by the lack of progress he made in reconnecting with his kids - so it seems he just went back to Replay/Avoidance behavior. His work is also starting to, once again, falter. He is missing work and has a lack of interest in what he is doing.
I don't know. He seems "stuck" to me. It is a shame. He was once a really good man. Now, he is just like an addict - in search of a constant fix.
Again, for the first 15 years (pre MLC) - he was a great employee on the track to being a leader at my company. Since MLC - job transfer, demotion, and now stuck in a pretty dead end job. I hope he can keep it...
Maybe that is too much info. I don't know. Hope this insight helps. I have watched this with great interest - especially since I experienced my own BD with my husband. Funny thing, on BD my H told me that he had wanted to speak with MLC man. Wonder what they would have had to say to each other. To my knowledge, they haven't spoken.
Limitless
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Thanks, limitless. No, i tis not too much information. It is very good and useful one.
They do seem to make very poor choices of OW/OM. Really an affair down.
Also, there is some sort of repetition patters. You MLC man dad had abandoned him and his mum, my husband’s dad had always had affairs (and my husband was totally against and never forgived his dad. His dad end up living with the last OW, and, to my knowledge, still does. No idea if they are happy or not), and husband ends up in affairs, a thing he always found horrible.
Other person constantly contacting them to work is another factor that looks recurrent. OW1 was always in touch with my husband when he was at work (I was unware of it at the time) but when I was aware o OW1, I also use to have many heated converstions with my husband.
No idea if husband become distracted at the job he had by then. I moved back to our home town, husband did not took long after my return to quit is job. But looks like he is doing good on his 3 current jobs…
He is still living with OW2 and, from the outside, it looks like a bed of roses. So did with OW1 and, after all, it was not always so.
My husband is a vanisher so I don’t get to see him. But my SIL is on my FB and, sometimes, she tags him in some photos. By late 2009 he was very, very thin. A skeletal, almost. He looked very ill. Don’t know what happened. Last year summer and for must of this year he looked knackered, worn out, bags under his eyes, tired. But he never stops working. If anything, he works even more and more and more…
With mine I can not see a single step into the road of recovery. To me, like your MLC man, he is stuck and keeps replaying. Looking at it closely even his second fault divorce process against me is replay. He is doing it again. Who goes for a second fault divorce when the court has already told you, you have no case?...
Don’t know, stating to think that my husband will not come out of it. Except, perhaps, if he become so exausted and depressed that he really will be forced to stop.
Maybe your husband wanted to ass MLC man if it had been worthy to drop wife, marriage, kids. It the new life was as great as it looks like…Maybe to have some sort of validation for his actions… who knows…maybe one day you can ask your husband (if he still remembers, given that they forget a lot).
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Shant how come you did not felt tired with so little sleep? My husband is been working like a mad man for more than 5 years, sometimes 7 days a week, goes out a lot to party and sleeps very little. He used to need at least 8 hours sleep. I'm amazed of how much he can endure...would think that, by now, he already had been flat tired...but, no, there seems to be no end to his energy...His normal self, at this point, would had been more than exausted and on sick leave from stress burnout and exaustion.
What made you stop, Shant? Did you hit rock bottom' Became to depressed and tired do keep up with such quick pace?
I hit rock bottom pretty quickly from when I left Dearheart. Within a couple of months. I should have been hospitalised really but I just kept going. My depression came out as rage. A black black burning rage. And so I worked. I worked long hours at night so I could be with my Ds throughout the day. I was blessed during that time as I found a lovely grandma type lady who looked after my girls through the night.
I worked and then would go over and over my decision in my down time. I knew he was dating and to be honest it was a relief. He wasn't pressuring me any more. Although I wantd to reconcile and I knew it after my rock bottom I wasn't ready, nor was I able to. I STILL would swing from wanting to return to being terrified. A song would play and I would think yep and then another song right after and I would go no.
Ididn't stop working like it till I moved back in with Dearheart.
And then life started to stabilise for me. I have never been able to work like it again but i have never experienced the black rage either.
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I compartmentalised like you wouldn't believe.
Once I returned to normalish I couldn't do it bt had no problem while depressed.
Thank you for this post SL.
honour
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Maybe that is too much info. I don't know.
Not at all, very helpful.
honour
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My depression came out as rage. A black black burning rage.
I hope you don't mind me asking but would you say this is the phase that is referred to here in this forum as Monster? Thank you for these posts, I find these insights very helpful in gaining some understanding for my W's vanishing.
honour
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Thank you to Shant and Limitless especially, but also to the others for sharing your insights!!
For me, two days ago I also had trouble believing that the smiling and happy W was not the real her. But, I was gifted with having the opportunity to have a woman in MLC bare her heart to me in a session and I cannot stress enough how amazed I was at how she was able to put on a mask within minutes of our session. I had spoken to her and her son (my client) for about a half hour when she asked to speak to me alone. During that session, she had been normal for all intents and purposes and talking about the client's behaviors. I detected nothing out of the ordinary with her and she seemed content and happy while also concerned about him.
What I saw when he left the room still gives me pause. The happy, smiling mother that I had observed for over a half hour was replaced by someone who was a total wreck! The pain she was in would have been evident even to a layperson, but I have to say the guilt, shame and pain I witnessed went far beyond any that I have dealt with as of yet. She was extremely conflicted and depressed, and made several comments about how she "had to go and move to another state or she would die" and needed a "fresh start" despite her own admission that she had everything she wanted here. At one time she was so sad because her kids would not be going with her, but also stating that the kids would be ok and that she would be "happy" there even though her kids were not with her. She blamed EVERYTHING on her H, but also praised him diligently. And as much as she was adamant that she had to get away from him and move in with the OM, she was even more adamant about how much she loved her H. So, like LL said iin her first post, she thought that somehow what she was doing was best for both of them. How they can view the world and those around them in this way still puzzles me even though I've been given the opportunity to witness it as an impassioned observer.
The final thing that I still can't believe is how she was able to regroup and put on a mask when I brought her son back in. Had I not spent the last hour and a half with her then I would have NEVER known what was going on beneath the surface, and I'M FREAKING TRAINED TO READ PEOPLE!!!!! She was so convincing that I had to ask myself if I had seen what I though I saw. I wondered all night and still do how this woman had become such an Oscar-worthy actress within the past few months. I've NEVER seen anyone be able to fake it like that, and in front of her own kid who doesn't pick up on it at all and thinks we spent that whole time talking about him.
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SL, I very much appreciate you posting here, but wanted to point out that SL has a whole stuck thread on her fog. I thought about posting there, but I did not feel right about posting my little rant there. I appreciate your sharing your experience, and I wonder if my exH is more like you, than say MLC man. Monster does seem to be just funneled into work.
And all the other comments are so helpful. No one else does have the perspective I have--I forget that since he doesn't really allow anyone close to him. It makes it so hard to see so much crazy and have little validation. And I sure do wonder about his IC. He claims he is working so hard and she says everything is all my fault, too... I am just so tired of the crazy--cause I can't FIX it, or make it go away, or even ignore it, it's like the Caddyshack gopher, but not cute...
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Thank you Th! Thank you so much, what are you going to do with that, though? And why are you awake, aren't we in the same time zone? I really want to know what his IC sees...
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My depression came out as rage. A black black burning rage.
I hope you don't mind me asking but would you say this is the phase that is referred to here in this forum as Monster? Thank you for these posts, I find these insights very helpful in gaining some understanding for my W's vanishing.
honour
Yep most likely. I was cold and cruel and Dearheart could not reach me. And if he had dropped dead in front of me at first I would have stepped over him.
Lisa sorry I didn't mean to hijack.
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We are in the same time zone, and I'm awake because I have a bad head cold. I will go back and lay down in a few, if for nothing else but the fact that D10 and S6 are in my bed and it's really comforting to have them there and know they are safe.
The client had suspected his mom had an OM, but that may have come from his adult sister. Interestingly, the woman's mother no longer speaks to her and her daughter gave her an ultimatum (didn't work. Go figure, huh?) about choosing her family or leaving and all she had to say was how suprised she was that they "didn't get it" and that "everyone thinks I'm crazy." She also said that she has a friend who "thinks they're just alike" and was so depressed when she left her H that she tried to commit suicide. She kept saying "that's never going to be me."
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I sure do wonder about his IC. He claims he is working so hard and she says everything is all my fault, too....
LL what would you expect the IC to say to him, if the IC tell him that he is messed up then your H would stop going and stop listening to the IC, so the IC is validating what our H says.
Perfectly normal, the IC can NOT FIX your H.
Plus who is telling you what the IC is saying to your H? Your H? And you believe him??
Think about this a little and you might change your point of view.
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Oh, SL sweetie I did not mean to sound like I did not want your comments here, I REALLY was glad you posted! And you should continue to post, but I just wanted to point out to the others, in case they they didn't know that you had already spilled your proverbial guts, so they might want to read it ALL! I like hijacks, I love if I can influence people to talk about anything, so I so did not mean to say that any and all comments were not welcome, and I might have been more verbose, but I was typing on my phone... Please, I hope I did not offend anyone. I also went back to your thread before I started my own, but did not want you to think that anything in my rant might be critical of someone who has or is in "the fog." I hope that makes sense... And truly, I meant no offense to anyone :-(, Lisa
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Lisa, I'm not buying it LOL..Don't you folks get me confused about where to go to learn about fog and confusion.
Beer pong tables, girlfriends, empty 401ks....the topics are endless ;D
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And yes, OP, I still listen to and believe most of what he says most of the time--that's why I have to check myself periodically and remember who is crazy!!!! Sometimes I need to say stuff out loud to someone who gets it so I can remember that he is not the man I married, that the alien inhabits his body--it's so easy to forget. That's why I still come here--no one else gets it, or is tired of hearing about it...
And Th, I thought I wanted to be a psychologist (actually I wanted psychiatry) once upon a time. My bachelor's is in cognitive science and I started a master's program, but I figured out pretty quickly that I could never counsel anyone--I belong to the "smack 'em upside the head school of behavior." If I had to listen to that woman, I would lose it. I would not be able to stop myself from tilting my head and saying "you SERIOUSLY BELIEVE yourself??????" Sadly, patience is not one of my virtues--I opted for POLITICS instead!!!
Thanks for all the comments, I feel a little more sane now, I expect to have to check back in another couple of weeks! Lisa
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Lisa, agree with OP, CS cannot treat your husband and, of course, you shuld not believe everything your husband says. You know, they’re in MLC, we can’t believe most of what they say. It is already soo hard to try to get the ungetable…Lisa, don’t think politcs and patience are incompatible…But I would had told Thundarr client’s mother that she was confused and asked what you said “Do you really believe yourself?” Don’t think that is like of patience, that is just common sense. When he left and after BD asked that to my husband and told him I did not believe a single thing of what he was saying about us or how wonderful OW was, that it was only a mirage. In case you don’t remember, Lisa, you are not the crazy one and he is not the man you married! ;D ;D ;D
Shant, thanks for your explanation and clarifications.You hit rock bottom pretty fast. Some seem to need ages to get there…
Thundarr, wonder myself the same. How can they manage to be such good actors that they fool everyone (except for the spouse, that is the person who starts to notice strange weird things in them)? Is it possible that, even when they are away from us and have OW/OM they can keep acting all the time with OW/OM? Like, they can act for years on end?... I’m very thankful you posted that woman story because now I (and possible all of us here) know for sure we were not seeing things, that our spouses are not on their normal self and that they are acting. But, really, among us we have enough good actors for, at least, the next 100 years of the worldwide movie industry…
Like you, still can’t get how they come to see the word the way they do and how on earth do they think that the leaving everything behind, even if they love theirs spouses, is better…Fog, I suppose, blinding everything else. And, as Mamma said, hormones. Lots of jumping ones adding to the already complete mess and sense of loss. A deadly cocktail, if you ask me.
Are you planning to start using your knowledge of MLC and its process in our your Thundarr?
As for hijacking and posting, and talking in each others threads, share our views, ask questions, IMHO that is what makes the forum a plus, the possibility of interaction and of nonlinearity. It makes things so more interesting and rich.
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This is a discussion topic, and knowing LL the little that I do I don't think she minds any comments here (or hijacks). We're all in this to learn. And as far as acting, I don't think my W is that capable of an actor. I'm posting the next part on my own thread but I thought it would also fit here:
Took the little ones to the in-laws today to celebrate their 58th wedding anniversary. W did not show and did not so much as acknowledge it even though she was aware. SIL also informed me that my W's uncle had passed away last week and the funeral had been Friday. I knew nothing about it and asked her if W had known, and she said yes and that everyone wondered why she was not at the funeral. SIL was also pissed that W had blown off the family reunion in October. She brought up her ex and that lead me into a discussion about her likely MLC 15 years ago and my W's situation now. Here are the highlights:
- She left her H and moved to Italy because of her crush on the professor. She said she regretted it within 6 months and it was too late. H had moved on and left her in the dust. She tried and tried to reconcile with him but he would have nothing of it. He remarried within two years and is still with the woman today. She says if she could do it all over she would give anything, and that she would go back with him if he called today and wanted her back. She has never remarried and her life has been a wreck ever since. - She has memory lapses during that time and remembers that she moved around Italy alot before moving back to MN. She attributes her memory lapses to her alcoholism (she's been dry over 10 years now) but I truly think it was an MLC. She was 38 when she left her H. - She confirmed that W's assertion that she has been planning this for 2 years is complete BS. Unbeknownst to me, W and SIL had been planning for us to spend a week with SIL in MN this last summer. I knew W and I had talked about it and said we were, but SIL said in the early months of the year they had planned out an itinerary and W had told her places she wanted to go and places I would want to go. SIL remembers coming down around the early part of May and mentioning it and W acted as if it had never been planned at all. So, W WAS making future plans for us early in the year and SIL said there had never been ANY indication of things not being great between us. - SIL thinks that lawyer boy and his W are no good and that they have brainwashed W. She has no use for them and suspects they may even be part of a coven or cult. Apparently W uses the "I have plans" line on her FOO as well and they are fed up with it. SIL mentioned to her last night when she dropped off D10 about why not spend the weekend with the kids, and W gave her the evil grin and said "Because I have plans!" SIL thinks she is being controlled and she is saying what she is being told to say. I didn't go into how I think she may actually be using lawyer boy as well and giving him a completely false impression. - SIL said that the kids, her parents and everyone else are a distant second to lawyer boy and his W and I joked that I'm a distant 500th. SIL said that everyone is aware that it's not me that W has the problem with because she is dissing everyone. Apparently FIL is much closer to completely losing it with her than I realized, and being dissed on their anniversary may put it over the top. I don't want to see her at war with her family, but maybe that's what it will take. SIL made me feel great by telling me that I was one of the kids and that SIL and FIL loved me like a son. My MIL even gave me the first hug I can ever remember getting from her. Seriously. SIL said to keep praying and that the whole family was praying for W as they all know something is not right. - I didn't go into all the other crazy behaviors from W but D19 alluded to how much W's behaviors have hurt her and still are. I'm sure her and SIL would have a great conversation if they had time.
So, did I really learn anything I didn't know? No, but I did get confirmation on a couple things I thought I knew. She WAS making plans for us early in the year and just suddenly snapped. Also, she's treating everyone at least as bad as she is me so it really has nothing to do with me at all. At all. So, now I feel I must treat her as I would any family member who was going through this and not take anything personally, but do plan on being there for them when or if they decide to reach out for help. I have a family here, at my Mom's and at my IL's. My role is to be part of that family and act as such. In the be all and end all, a marriage may be all I have to lose if I lose even that. I can't describe it, but not taking it personally really makes the hurt go away. I feel better than I have in months these past few days and don't want that to stop. I'll have to remember to not take things personally whenever she pisses me off again or says or does something that hurts my feelings.
I still can't believe she uses the whole smirk and "I have plans" on everyone. That was the one thing I think I took personal, and a few on here have said it was meant to hurt me. But it isn't. It was no more meant to hurt me than it was SIL. It really has nothing to do with me. Praying for everyone.
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Th--I had that same experience about the sudden change of plans. We had furnished an apartment for my ILs when S13 was diagnosed with cancer, so they could be here to "help." We bought a new bed and gave them our 10-year-old, but perfectly good one (it was top-quality and expensive). We gave them a great futon that they bought new for us 15 years ago, to use as a sofa. We also acquired, through friends and church, etc., a washer and dryer, kitchen stuff, bookcases, dining table, etc... So the lease was up in August, and we had to find a way to get rid of all of it, and move it, some was in our garage as late as October, and it was January that he decided I was so horrible that he was never happy and had to divorce me to marry OW...
If he had had any idea or even an inkling, you might think he would have at least held onto some of the perfectly good furniture, or even renewed the lease on an awesome apartment... Who knows what they are thinking--or if they think?
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Thundarr, My boss says "Q-TIP it"
Quit Taking It Personally Try saying that to yourself when you start to get down. :)
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We never really know what is going on. I had an interesting experience just recently. For the past year or so I had thought that H was reconnecting with old friends, etc. I thought he was calling them wanting to show them his new life. I very recently learned that it had been the other way around -- that the old friends had been the ones to call him, trying to keep some kind of connection, and finding both him and it very hard work. One was wondering if he should persevere, or just give up. General consensus was to wait for H to call them......
Learned that they think he is not very nice to be around, that they think he's trying to act and dress like a 20-year-old, and so on.
So very different to what I thought..... and I am NOT the one who is nuts -- everyone we know also wonders what on earth has happened to him, this is so not the person they knew. Some are seriously doubting themselves over this as well, because they wonder how they could have made such a 'mistake' in forming the good opinion that they had of him for so many years.
It's been suggested to me to refer to the person he is now by a different name... I think I will do that, as it really helps in the Q-tipping department.
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Foggy times....
I talked to my cousin. Her dad is going through MLC. He left her and her mother years ago. She called her dad around Christmas and said... I am leaving for college and you have not talked to me in 2 years... we should get together before I go away.
Her dad was shocked. He did not know it had been two years. He tried to buy her things for college. She told him she didn't want him to buy her things, and that she only wanted to spend time with him before she goes. He told her that he feels trapped with OW. That OW keeps trying to tell him what to do. To this day my aunt still prays for his return. My cousin talked about his guilt and how guilty he seemed when he talked about his situation.
After years... at least he is finally expressing his feelings.
I don't think anyone can wrap their head around the fog...
Summer
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You can only understand it, IF you have been there...It's really hard to explain in words.
Even after knowing whats it like...( for me ) I still get confused at some things Honey does...There is no logic.