Now That You Are SeparatedFor more: http://hopebackman.wordpress.com/2011/10/29/now-what/ (http://hopebackman.wordpress.com/2011/10/29/now-what/)
Put some distance between you. Disengaging is hard. Whether you were together for a long time or the relationship was very intense, your dreams, values, and emotions are tied to the other person - that's normal. If you were have some codependent or narcissistic traits , or are insecure - then you are even more entwined. This is why it is hard to let go.
The longer you stay connected, the longer it will take to disengage, heal, and move forward.
Initially, it is best to end all “personal” discussions - stay away from comments like “how do you feel”, “what are you doing” or making any value statements like “you really should see a therapist”.
Conduct your business and move along. Do not meet alone, bring an outside observer, or meet in a very public place. Keep the conversations strictly on the topic (e.g., exchanging the children, making a business decision, etc) and if the former partner gets personal, end the conversation. The same advice goes for e-mail, if it gets personal, don't respond. Send personal mail back unopened (e.g., cards, etc) with no note. Do not do anything that could be interpreted as a message.
All this will help you disconnect.
Leaving a Person With Borderline Personality DisorderFor more: http://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2010/12/leaving-person-with-borderline_28.html (http://bpdfamily.blogspot.com/2010/12/leaving-person-with-borderline_28.html)
The beginnings of a relationship with a person with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) can be intoxicating when your partner is brimming with jubilation because you are in their life. Then inexplicable dark moments of resentment begin breaking through the infatuation and your partner acts in cold and even cruel ways. These extreme highs and lows are commonplace in “Borderline” relationships.
In the most troubled relationships, it is not uncommon for a BPD partner to unexpectedly abandon the relationship or do something so hurtful that one cannot continue. Your partner may emotionally discard you or become abusive - leaving you to feel oppressed and broken. Or you have invested yourself in the relationship and all the latest communication and relationship tools, but the relationship has eroded and you have no more to give.
So they leave you - or you break up with them - or one of you finally decides not to reconcile, yet again. If any of this is you, read on.
Remind me of my unconditionals quick I'm gonna call her something besides Bowser.............That confused woman who is sleeping with my H and pretending they are meant to be together forever!!!!!!!!! ::)
There's nothing wrong with being happy, it is just when you pursue it you are doomed.
I wasn't surprised by the article because that was exactly the attitude that I found these therapists all had. You're right - it is appalling. But it's not just 'you go girl'. It's also 'you go boy!' too.
This so-called "doctor" pretty much tells this woman to go have an MLC and gives her the "You go, girl!!"
This so-called "doctor" pretty much tells this woman to go have an MLC
This so-called "doctor" pretty much tells this woman to go have an MLC
I am not one who thinks someone has an MLC because a "doctor", or anyone else, tells them to go have one. I think MLC is a deeply individual and personal emotional development phase.
Conscious decision making is not part of MLC—if they make conscientious decisions it’s not MLC. If they choose to not avoid; it’s not MLC.
I am sorry Kikki misread my entry.I'm sorry for that Freddygone. On re-reading, I see it didn't make you angry.
This article does NOT make me angry. It is simply what we have come to expect.
My point was simply that this 'therapist' as also in my knowledge of some solicitors, had (the way I read it) suggested that the spouse was 'controlling'. But also was doing some head patting when really a therapist should try to ensure that the person under therapy was really thinking correctly and was making a proper judgement. Therapy should surely be about ensuring the subject has a clear thought process in place before they make decisions.
When I first read this article, my reaction was the same as Thundarr's. God darn it, this woman is in MLC!
All the signs point to it, and I could even picture my ex writing such a letter.
I think that MLC is much more common than we know and the general public just isn't aware.
Having read through all the other comments, where you guys say perhaps she is not in MLC.... made me reconsider.... not only this case, but perhaps even my xW..... My ex could have very well be thinking exactly like the way this woman was... There really was no OM waiting in the wings.... She also says I'm too controlling, with a bad temper, and was not being appreciative....
She too has said she felt trapped (or stifled) in our relationship.... We also were together 20+ years and married for 14 and she also has raised (and is still raising) our 2 children. She's texted me more than once saying she is so much happier without me...
It is in fact what she is feeling.... Stifled, controlled, abused
How do you know when it's MLC then?
I would say if what she says stings then that is something you need to work on, or else you will be divorced again.When I first read this article, my reaction was the same as Thundarr's. God darn it, this woman is in MLC!Excellent question. If they say and do the same things then what's the difference? And, if my XW didn't really have one waiting in the wings is she not MLC but rather a woman who reached the age where she decided it was time to move on. Mays she DID plan it for years...
All the signs point to it, and I could even picture my ex writing such a letter.
I think that MLC is much more common than we know and the general public just isn't aware.
Having read through all the other comments, where you guys say perhaps she is not in MLC.... made me reconsider.... not only this case, but perhaps even my xW..... My ex could have very well be thinking exactly like the way this woman was... There really was no OM waiting in the wings.... She also says I'm too controlling, with a bad temper, and was not being appreciative....
She too has said she felt trapped (or stifled) in our relationship.... We also were together 20+ years and married for 14 and she also has raised (and is still raising) our 2 children. She's texted me more than once saying she is so much happier without me...
It is in fact what she is feeling.... Stifled, controlled, abused
How do you know when it's MLC then?
But it was a abrupt personality change after 20 years of marriage. MLC= identity crisis often with a BD on the spouse that never sees it coming.
I honestly think MLC is at the least psychiatric, and I think any attempts at counseling amidst them, and this is no offense to counselors, but it's like going to a life coach to treat cancer. There just needs to be a full spectrum analysis developed that sees the hormonal, biochemical, and emotional picture. I believe treating any one of them leaves counselors (except in kikki's case - that was just horribly bad counseling) in the dark about the others, only able to treat what is on the surface.Thanks Ready. It was a complete nightmare.
I liked the article that talked about the lasting memories even several years AFTER they had remarried. It really does validate us in many ways.
80% huh. Nice to know I'm part of the Screwed 20%.You are not alone.
Some Refer to it as a Roller Coaster Ride:
For me, "turbulent transition during midlife" is just that, a transition that become turbulent. it is not a MLC. MLC needs the crisis extra factor. Maybe for the writer they are the same thing but for me they are not.
For all of us, there are aspects of this that denote permanent changes, reconciliation or not.
Growth usually comes from adversity, not prosperity.
QuoteGrowth usually comes from adversity, not prosperity.
This is an amazing insight. Thank you for this! Another wall plaque in the making.
For all you doubting Thomas men.....Calamity posted this book on someone's thread...read it...sound familiar? (Women can read it too)Yes I know this author. BYSTANDER, she used to post on Path Partners before they shut their doors.
https://docs.google.com/viewer?a=v&q=cache:MRfLUBKBkSYJ:forum.makingherhappy.com/attachment.php%3Fattachmentid%3D56%26d%3D1276041464+&hl=en&gl=ca&pid=bl&srcid=ADGEESj0DRtxK1wqcERQ40HCkJShlUkowHR3FHo37sNtI2ETQNXIuI0dZv84k9dAHi7Ai8Enq10_2WQKjez_sO4YUsGXYYRmfyo5I1VXoJ9HDTi22KbCh6vXzApTrAXbP_0eTTGZOqbx&sig=AHIEtbQYeZCre4jSJC6paMcoRuo98qbOzQ
For all you doubting Thomas men.....Calamity posted this book on someone's thread...read it...sound familiar? (Women can read it too)
It does a great job of telling you what to expect and why, but I didn't glean much hope from it honestly.
No her brother's wife was having an MLC, he was divorced, and she was trying to help him through the path partners site.QuoteFor all you doubting Thomas men.....Calamity posted this book on someone's thread...read it...sound familiar? (Women can read it too)
That is an excellent summary. Wonder if she did a male MLC version?
Do you know if they ever reconciled, OP?Sorry I dont know but the Path Partners site was not about standing.
Is this the same site OP?Yes and no, same owner, but she blew up the forum.
http://pathpartners.com/
Is this the same site OP?Yes and no, same owner, but she blew up the forum.
http://pathpartners.com/
I think she is still in her MLC.
Yea she thinks she is going to get rich from MLCIs this the same site OP?Yes and no, same owner, but she blew up the forum.
http://pathpartners.com/
I think she is still in her MLC.
Ah, interesting.
Once a couple has children, their marriage becomes more than an enjoyable exchange of services.My childfree marriage wasn't anything more than an enjoyable exchange of services? With regards to that description, author of article
It kind of sums up how I feel, although I know that those in the MLC fog would not take any notice at all sadly.Nice article and I do agree with you and article.
Right!(http://i1250.photobucket.com/albums/hh536/w2h4e/facebook_like_button_big_zps147ac153.jpg) (http://s1250.photobucket.com/user/w2h4e/media/facebook_like_button_big_zps147ac153.jpg.html)
Where is my like button?
I downloaded these Yesterday and I found them to b helpful and thought I would share! Hope they will help all of you too
My H is home and OW is Long gone but I still found Who will You become Helpful because it isnt just about the midst of the affair.
It's about the children the spouse and Them. It was so helpful!
I cried!!!! Here is a link to her Website so you can check out the books for yourself, if you would like to purchase them
http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/Mini-Books.html
WHO WILL YOU BECOME?
A Reality check and hope for those who are tempted
or Fallen
By Linda J. MacDonald, M.S., LMFT
How to Help Your
Spouse Heal from
Your Affair:
A compact manual for the unfaithful
Linda J. MacDonald, M.S., LMFT