Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: StandandDeliver on November 15, 2011, 11:08:42 AM
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OK, for those of us with children, I think that this could be helpful (and arguably more important than worrying about the emotional state of our MLCer who is beyond help at this point anyway).
If you know of books that have been helpful for dealing with grief (death, divorce etc) that are age appropriate (and do not minimise the impact of having a broken family) then I know I would appreciate hearing about them.
I would suggest a breakdown like this, but if you have a better idea go for it!
1) V. young children: pre schoolers
2) Primary school children, Under 7 and Over 7
3) Pre teen and young teenagers
4) Older teenagers and young adults
Single parenting is hard, but it is extra hard if we do not have any sort of compass for dealing with our children's emotions (especially when our own are still running high at times).
Thanks in advance!
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I hope you get some good recommendations! :) Great Topic! I feel so bad for all the children involved in any of this or who are hurt in any way at all.
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standanddeliver. this is going to be a good thread i think. i have not as yet found any books to read on this. i can deal with my pain and feelings a lot better now but if there is anything that i could do to help my kids more i would. a normal breakup is hard enough for our children but an mlc one seems more painful
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I saw this one and thought of ordering it so I am better equipped - I wonder if anyone has read it?
Also, if anyone knows of any good picture books that I can actually read WITH my kids, that would be great...
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duh, forgot the link
http://www.amazon.com/When-Children-Grieve-Adults-Divorce/dp/0060084294/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1321388372&sr=8-3 (http://www.amazon.com/When-Children-Grieve-Adults-Divorce/dp/0060084294/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1321388372&sr=8-3)
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lol. was just about to ask which book. how much is it
how old are your kds standand deliver ;D
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I have a toddler and a 6 year old. The toddler is fairly unscathed by it all, but the 6 year old has had a very hard year. He is the best kid though. I love my kids so much. I feel blessed because I really realise how lucky I am to share their lives and H seems to have NO IDEA how much he is missing out on just cos he didn't want to work with me in the marriage, refuses to address his internal problems and instead wanted to shag some ho and buy designer clothes with her (actually I have more respect for ow's - at least they are honest about what they are doing, screwing people for money) that he had barely known for three months when he dropped the bomb - soulmate schmoopies lol.
One day he will wake up, I think, by then his kids childhoods will have passed him by, he will have missed most of it through choice, and he will have to live with that regret if he regrets nothing else. I would rather be on my own and miss as little of my children's growing years, than get some narcissistic pleasure from a man I barely know and abandon my family for that purpose. But then, I am not in crisis.
Tirade finished ;D ;D.
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This thread reminded me that I've this book for about ten years: When Children Grieve (http://www.amazon.com/When-Children-Grieve-Adults-Divorce/dp/0060196130): For Adults to Help Children Deal with Death, Divorce, Pet Loss, Moving and Other Losses by Russell Friedman and Dr. Leslie Matthews. I've never read it though because I have no children but I held onto it anyway. I can't find it right now; It's packed away but the reviews for it seem good. :)
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Thanks StarGazer - that is the book I linked to that I was thinking of getting!
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Thanks StarGazer - that is the book I linked to that I was thinking of getting!
Is it? lol. Oh, I'm sorry... I didn't even read or click on the link. Well, that is ironic.
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Okay so I believe that children move through the stages of grief that we speak of. I've seen it with my D9 but not so much with the preschooler...my preschooler's emotions tend to be HAPPY or ANGRY....three year olds live in emotional extremes..but I've seen my D9 cycle just like me...funny thing is that my D9 tend to cycle together. So I find books dealing with emotions helpful...here's some picture books that I can remember right now.
When Sophie gets Angry (GREAT!)- I talk to my kids about this so they can understand how being SAD and being MAD are connected. We always talk about "what's underneath the MAD".
How are you Peeling?Very creative book with vegetables with emotional expressions to discuss.
The Care and Keeping of You and The Care and Keeping of Your EmotionsThese are books published by American Girl. My nine-year old loves them and it gives her ideas as to how she can take care of herself.
I have a literacy background and I truly believe that STORIES help with healing. Read Read Read. Stories make us feel like we are not alone...that's why so many of us are on this WEBSITE. My daughter is hooked on a series called Puppy Place..it's about rescue dogs that have been abandoned or hurt in someway and who come to beautiful wonderful homes. I believe she finds comfort in such stories.
Great thread! Can't wait to read more.
BUGS
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I have a toddler and a 6 year old. The toddler is fairly unscathed by it all, but the 6 year old has had a very hard year. He is the best kid though. I love my kids so much. I feel blessed because I really realise how lucky I am to share their lives and H seems to have NO IDEA how much he is missing out on just cos he didn't want to work with me in the marriage, refuses to address his internal problems and instead wanted to shag some ho and buy designer clothes with her (actually I have more respect for ow's - at least they are honest about what they are doing, screwing people for money) that he had barely known for three months when he dropped the bomb - soulmate schmoopies lol.
One day he will wake up, I think, by then his kids childhoods will have passed him by, he will have missed most of it through choice, and he will have to live with that regret if he regrets nothing else. I would rather be on my own and miss as little of my children's growing years, than get some narcissistic pleasure from a man I barely know and abandon my family for that purpose. But then, I am not in crisis.
Tirade finished ;D ;D.
I'll second the above Standanddeliver.
Buggy......those books sound great. I'll start looking. My 2 older boys LOVE reading. S7 even reads to d3 and she loves it when her older brothers read to her.
I found a book a few months ago by Dr Seuss. I cannot remember the name just now and I'm at work so I'll confirm when I get home but it was about colours and moods. Grey for sad. Black for angry etc. The Rainbow for feeling a little bit of everything. Just teaches the kids that feelings are normal and good.
Ok just googled and found it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Many_Colored_Days
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I'd love book recommendations for teenagers! I've done some research, but haven't found much for my 14 & 17 year olds. I did order one but it was much too young for D17. I think D14 might get something out of it, but I can't get her to read it. It's small, would take maybe an hour to read, and I offered her $10 to read it. She still won't. Serious refusal to deal is going on with her. :(
I don't know what to do to help D14 start to process and cope with this!! I've been making her see a counselor with her sister, but sister does all the talking while D14 only answers direct questions when forced to. She hates going. Ugh...such a hard age anyway. :(
Great thread idea!
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SP
Dr Seuss's My Many Colored Days Love this...very helpful when they are in the throws of something you can ask them a color to express.
HUGS
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Buggy,
Yes, it's really simple but you know I got the message too. It's normal and ok to have all these feelings.
We are HEALTHY. That's what I tell S9. He even cycles with me too. Just come out of a downer. I tell him he's a normal boy with feelings and and it's all part of grieving just like nanny and Oma when Opa and Grandpa died. He 'gets it' now.
I think even the bible speaks of colours with moods (or at least with physical feelings)
Hugs,
SP
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I don't know what to do to help D14 start to process and cope with this!! I've been making her see a counselor with her sister, but sister does all the talking while D14 only answers direct questions when forced to. She hates going. Ugh...such a hard age anyway. :(
I can sympathise with you. My D13 refuses to discuss thing with me or anyone else. All she will say is she is mad with her dad, does not want contact with him at the moment but wants him to come home. D15 is seeing her Guidance teacher at school but D13 has refused to go. I am supporting them as best as I can. It's so hard :(
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Faith - I don't know a lot about teenagers, but I actually think that maybe your D14 just needs some space to mull things over and it may take her a few months before she even KNOWs what she is thinking. I would just make sure that you reiterate from time to time that if she wants to talk with you then you are there - if she wants to talk with someone else like a psychologist then you will help arrange that. She is at an age where life seems unfair at the best of times and this is a situation where life really and truly is incomprehensible and unfair for her.
If I hear of any good books for teenagers (or maybe even ones aimed at young adults because lets face it this situation forces teenage kids to deal with fairly adult themes: trust, love, respect, anger, lust, betrayal, honour, loss.... the list goes on...) I will make sure to post.
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I'd love book recommendations for teenagers! I've done some research, but haven't found much for my 14 & 17 year olds. I did order one but it was much too young for D17. I think D14 might get something out of it, but I can't get her to read it. It's small, would take maybe an hour to read, and I offered her $10 to read it. She still won't. Serious refusal to deal is going on with her. :(
I don't know what to do to help D14 start to process and cope with this!! I've been making her see a counselor with her sister, but sister does all the talking while D14 only answers direct questions when forced to. She hates going. Ugh...such a hard age anyway. :(
Great thread idea!
I have a friend that is an AVID young adult reader...in fact she is going to be a young adult author in a few months... :) Anyway I'm going to touch base with her about the topic and see what her recs are.....stay tuned.
BUGS