Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: LisaLives on November 20, 2011, 07:51:27 AM
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Okay, I don't want to be a downer, but I am very curious. As I sit here alone, getting ready for only my second holiday season without exH, while he has my boys and I am alone for Thanksgiving (and not very thankful about it, thank you!), I wonder from the old-timers here, what happens at this time of year? We know this time is THE time for WAS behavior. From now until January is the time when they walk out and January is divorce month.
So that means that in general, stuff is brewing, and again I am not trying to be a downer. In fact, I am looking for some optmism. Are all the reconciliations a part of the holiday psychology? Is this also the return time, but no one ever talks about the positive? On the other hand, could it be a big time for false R's? Is there a "lifting of the fog" trend where MLCers apologize in droves, or a "diving into the tunnel" to avoid all the expectations?
Last season, I was determined to make it good and I fully expected it to be awful, so I did okay. In some ways this year, I feel like I am down and possibly ready to be hit hard. exH is now married and I will get my kids for one day the entire holiday season, so I feel hard pressed to put up all the holiday crap--I don't even feel like hauling out the tree... But, likely I will, I have to, so I will (yes, I am trying to convince myself to be positive!)
Just wondering, I feel very unsettled all of a sudden. Sad and lonely, for sure, in a soulful way--I have friends, but it's not the same as being surrounded by family. Last year, I think I still thought it could be just one Christmas apart and he'd be back, but now I am facing the reality that he is gone for good, with a new wife and family and my kids will forever be torn, and torn up emotionally this time of year.
And really I don't want to read another article about having a happy divorced holiday season--the forced optimism and saccharine sentiments deserved to be shoved where the sun don't shine... Thoughts on what REALLY to expect? I like trying to be prepared whenever I can... Love and light, Lisa
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Hi Lisa!!
I just got back from my therapy appointment and we talked about this. I am going to fake it until I make it this year with the Holidays. Last year, I just wanted to sleep from November to January. I forced myself to go to Thanksgiving dinner. I was acutely aware of being there alone. I felt like everyone felt pity for me. And I swear they were whispering behind my back.. My son and I ate and then left shortly after. Came home and of course cried.
I did not put up a tree, not one decoration except I bought a Charlie Brown tree and sat it on the table. I feel bad about that now.I robbed my kids, even though they are older, of a holiday that has always been a big deal in our family. This year I am going to force myself to decorate, but a new tree, all new decorations, and celebrate.
This year, I feel pity for my H. I have no idea where he is spending Thanksgiving. I can only imagine it's with his family. the family that I after 22 years am no longer a part of. And the saddest part is that they have seemed to turn their backs on my children, their grandchildren, nephews. Very sad.
So this is my second holiday season, and I plan on making it one for my kids to remember. There has been enough sadness in this house. Today my therapist said, in the end, you are all they have. I wish it wasn't the case, but it is. And the bonus is this year I will have an 18 month old beautiful grandaughter to share the holiday with. Guess who misses out? H does.
I'm not sure I've answered any of your questions, and I know it will be hard to only see your kids one day. But I have a feeling that you will do just fine. When you start to feel alone, remember there are others out there dealing with the sadness too. I know it doesn't take the pain away, but we all understand.
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THANKS GED!
I need an optimism infusion! And I knew I could get one here from someone. I think my kids give me hope and reason and when they leave for their Dad's I can feel my own fog start to descend. Plus there is still so much dysfunction in it all and the holidays do tend to make caricatures of everything. I KNOW I am partially to blame, but he holds more of the cards and it still makes me angry, so I have not learned to control all of that yet--the triggers in me that cause me to react to my kids and feel sad. It's just a lot in a crazy season. But maybe we got it reversed. I was fine last Xmas, but this year I feel like I am where you were last... But I will fight back the fog, I just needed some new weapons or something--inspiration from people who have done it! Thanks bunches, Lisa
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I wish I could put myself in a state of suspended animation till after the holidays. Further my Anniversary is NYE. And I know he'll be spending it with the OW. Oh lord, just thinking about it - it's so sad and incomprehensible/weird to me. I mean, I can't get over that we're not 'friends' anymore. We were BFF. I think that upsets me even more than the marriage ending. Is that weird?
But I too, would like to know what MLC'ers tend to do on the Holidays re their LBS's. Do they tend to reach out more or disappear more? And if so, is it fairly nice/cordial or is it monster type? Assuming they have an OW.
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Hi LIsa,
You're right, holidays are a season for WAS.
I don't have kids (wish I had) and I'm living with my family, so, I'm surrounded by family (even when husband was still around we would come to our home town/families) for the holidays.
Also have friends but what I feel is that sense of sadness of no longer be part of a couple. I've spend the first Christmas after husband left alone (no, that year I did not come home, my family was still unware of the situation) and put on the decorations I used to. Must say it was much easier that first year alone than in latter years at the family house.
Why? Maybe because then husband and I were still talking...Maybe because almost all my siblings and cousins are paired up and I being the eldest, and the first one to be married, feel weird without a mate...
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I was recently reading on another site, can't remember which one....about being aware that holidays can bring about false reconciliations. The idea of families, traditions, and all the nostalgia can often bring a WS home. However, once the fanfare fades and they are still deep in the tunnel, the likelihood of them remaining is much less. I think we have to just enjoy the good parts and prepare, but not fear, the bad parts.
I decided to take my kids shopping for all new decorations on our tree. The last couple Christmases though H was still here, were mediocre at best. This year, I want to make it very special for them. I want to create good memories for them. They are just victims-of-circumstance and deserve so much better.
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SO....let's forget about the sadness, let's forget about what we have all been through, let's forget that we have spent goodness knows how long trying to get through this..............well you know what I mean!!!!
The coming season is all about giving..........not receiving and perhaps we have spent a whole year giving because this process is all about giving out without receiving but let's just forget this for a moment!!!!!
This season is about giving and perhaps you cannot give much, but giving is better than waiting, waiting to receive or hoping for something because there are so many others in this world that are in worse situations and that is why I think we can all give a little to someone in need. Perhaps we really need the love of our MLCer at this time of the year but for most that is not going to happen and if it did it would be premature to most journeys. So I suggest that we all try and give a little this year, whether it is time, money, forgiveness, understanding........let's just give because it could really make a difference to someone that is in need
HUGS
xxxx
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I'll get your point, Dandy. But would say most, if not all of us, already give a lot. To our children, families, friends, to our MCLers (even if they unware of it) and to ourselves.
Frankly, and I know this might shock some, I would like to have someone (does not have to be husband) to whom to give the sort of love you give a mate, and a mate gives you. The other sorts of love I've plenty of people to give it to.
It gets to a point when, enough is enough, life is too short and we were not made to live unpaired. Ok, most of you are still in the earlier part of this journey, many still see/have contact with the spouse, have kids, so it is a little different.
But I understand that LBS feel sad at this time of the year. Think it is natural. That does not invalidate/overrid the giving love, time, money, forgiveness to someone in need. Also, would say most LBS are, really, the ones in need of love, time, money, forgiveness. Does this makes sense?...
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AnneJ, I agree it is natural to want to share and my comments were not overriding the fact that most of us give all year round either...........this is true because I give every day and wish I was given just something small from some of the people in my life. What I wanted to express here is that we are in the same boat, all wanting to share the festivities with the one that we love and that is natural. But I have been lucky in my life to experience a Christmas where I lost my mother, A christmas where I lost my grandparents, A christmas where I was alone, A christmas where I found others who had no home, had no family and those who gave up everything to help those less fortunate too.
If we can get through these moments when others too suffer and hurt by giving a part of ourselves that we would never usually think of giving, we go even further in our journeys. It is ok to cry and feel sad and wish that things were ideal (just like our previous festive times) but they are not and we all know that. I for one am looking out to help others, this is the first year where I do not have to behave in a traditional way and therefore I think it is a perfect time to do something different. I will still put up my tree and cook and do the usual things but I hope to I can make a difference to someone else whether in a small or large way.
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LisaLives....
I remember one year (during my first marriage) my Mom and her husband suggested we do something different... instead of the Norman Rockwell Christmas we usually had... (giant tree... million presents... all day feasting_ we agreed to go to a quaint Bed & Breakfast in a historical mountain area. So happened there was a historical re-enactment of George Washington crossing the Delaware on Christmas Morning, so there was an activity. We ate out at a historical Inn and it turned out to be a wonderful time!
Maybe that's not so great of an idea for KIDS, but how about coming up with something out of the ordinary from Christmas at home? Is there Snow Tubing nearby? Is there an Ice Rink that is open? Instead of the usual Christmas Dinner, could you maybe all decide on something DIFFERENT this year? Like dinner out in Chinatown, or Little Italy?
I don't know if these PARTICULAR ideas are feasible or entertaining to you.... but, if you only have them for one day, then why COMPETE with the traditional stuff your husband and OW will be trying to recreate? IF your kids are teens, they will be sick of the fake "family" at OW's, and will come back raving about how they went skiing or whatever... if they are little, could you arrange for "Santa" to arrive unexpectedly at your house? We did this one year when my kids were little.... got a friend who had a Santa Suit to show up with presents.... he knew their names, and they didn't know who it was!!
As for yourself..... there is always a group of "misfits" or people far away from family that get together somewhere.... if not... is there any way you could afford a pampering weekend at a resort? Or, you could have total permission to SHOP FOR YOURSELF at all the crazy sales, since you won't have any obligation to stay home....
How about rounding up another LBS in your area and going out to dinner? Thereby negating the "holiday" aspect of it?
Let's all don't forget to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" this year, to remind us that George went through a MLC....
As far a BD "season", I think it was all of the family functions that caused the MLCer to FREAK OUT and determine "I can't fake this any more... I've got to ditch these people or I will DIE... there's got to be more to life than this same old same old..." I really FEEL for all the BD on anniversaries and Valentine's Day... but it makes sense. Mine happened over the phone, but it was right after VD when I got a really weird card and some cheap drugstore chocolate, and then he spent our wedding anniversary with OW, but lied and said he was delayed on a job out of state, then came home the next day to take me out for our anniversary dinner..... while he was in the shower, I pulled the hotel receipt with OW's name on it right out of the outer pocket of his briefcase... talk about wanting to get caught!! Then, at dinner, he asked me to make a toast, and I happily said "Let me think....." then I raised my glass and said "To HONESTY!" and his face fell.... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Almost forgot... since it IS the season of giving.... why not volunteer at a homeless shelter, food bank, animal shelter... pick out an underpriveledged child from an angel giving tree to buy a gift for.... leave an anonymous basket of food at someone's doorstep if appropriate.... volunteer at a church..... remind yourself to be grateful for your many blessings..... :)
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LettingGo...........you took the words right out of my mouth :)
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... while he was in the shower, I pulled the hotel receipt with OW's name on it right out of the outer pocket of his briefcase... talk about wanting to get caught!! Then, at dinner, he asked me to make a toast, and I happily said "Let me think....." then I raised my glass and said "To HONESTY!" and his face fell.... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
this part really made me laugh! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Agree with LG ideas. One not give them a try?
Dandy, to me the festive season is prety much as always, with my family. Think my problem really is not the festive season is the "limbo". Nor we get divorced nor husband "wakes up"...Draining...
I'm spared have to "compete" with OW. Don't even know what sort of Christmas husband and her do. Plus, have all my family traditions, the ones since I born (and from before I born), so, they are my falmily stuff.
But may try/add something different this year.
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I understand AnneJ I really do. I am sure you will make the best of the festive season in whatever you do. You are not alone, we are all here in the same pair of Christmas Stockings
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I understand AnneJ I really do. I am sure you will make the best of the festive season in whatever you do. You are not alone, we are all here in the same pair of Christmas Stockings
Yes we are. grrrr...could not they all just "wake up"... ::) ::) ::)
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Lisa,
this topic has been on my mind A LOT lately...
This is the 3rd Holiday Season of this for me and to make it very short...the first year absolutely SUCKED! Everyone was wearing smiles and faking it for the sake of the kids...horrible!
Last season was a little better...H was here for Christmas morning, but for Thanksgiving he was not, we went to my sisters...yes I did feel like everyone felt so bad for me...same with Christmas dinner...H didnt want to go with us, so we went and I felt the exact same I had on Thanksgiving...
This year, I am quite a bit more myself...finally! LOL
I am doing the cooking, I have the house all decorated with turkeys and Pilgrims...HAHA!!
H is joining us for dinner, and I have declined the offers to go elsewhere...Whether H was joining us or not I had decided that I LOVE to do the holidays...and this year, I am going to be back at it! All are welcome, but I will probably be the most comfortable one...Im due arent I??
Going to keep the memories alive and continue to make more!
HUgs,
L
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This is my second holiday season without my spouse.
LBOHG described the 1st year to a tee.....Exactly as I remember it. I was teary....crying, but put on a fake face for the kids. We had separate holidays with the kids.
This year will be a repeat....separate holidays...except - I am in a better place. Surprisingly enough, :o :o - H's life hasn't changed a bit. Still living with his parents - pretending to be happy.
Oh well......this is to be expected..........The progress this year...is me.
Hang in there.....Enjoy your holiday.....
Limitless
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Hi All,
So this is my first year spending festive season without H. As the days pass and christmas gets closer and closer i am dreading it. I love Christmas and spending time with family and we have always gone camping for 10days after christmas. I can't believe H doesn't want to see his kids christmas morning opening their Santa presents and I don't know how I'm going to let them go christmas afternoon to be with him. Just sucks.
What I will probably do is fake it. I'm going to do some special things with and for the kids and generally make their Christmas fun and exciting. I think the stubborn streak in me wants to prove I can do this and do it well. Mind you I'll probably curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out christmas afternoon when they are gone.
I do like DL idea of doing and giving to others and I think it's also a good lesson for the kids to remember others in need at this time of year. So I think we'll do something together that is giving to people in need.
Sorry I couldn't be of anymore help other than to understand the extra pressure at this time of year.
Ez xx
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... while he was in the shower, I pulled the hotel receipt with OW's name on it right out of the outer pocket of his briefcase... talk about wanting to get caught!! Then, at dinner, he asked me to make a toast, and I happily said "Let me think....." then I raised my glass and said "To HONESTY!" and his face fell.... ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
this part really made me laugh! ;D ;D ;D ;D
Agree with LG ideas. One not give them a try?
Dandy, to me the festive season is prety much as always, with my family. Think my problem really is not the festive season is the "limbo". Nor we get divorced nor husband "wakes up"...Draining...
I'm spared have to "compete" with OW. Don't even know what sort of Christmas husband and her do. Plus, have all my family traditions, the ones since I born (and from before I born), so, they are my falmily stuff.
But may try/add something different this year.
Odd that all... :/ Either they are REALLY supid or... they want to get caught. or something... I am not sure yet... W leaves the most incedibly stupid corrisponance up o her computer screen. I am not sure if it is because she reads the bulk of her e-mail onher iphone or if she is trying to leave it up on the screen and then for what purpose. I just ignore it and open up the browser and google recipes and what not... broser history completely blown away.... *sigh* Drives me NUTS if I really wanted to know... I cn find ways... I work in this industry... I don't want to know.. if I wanted to the things I could do would well. I dont know... Either they think we are stupid or.. NOT. If NOT what do they want... really? half the time i think W wants me to kcik her butt half way back to anciant times... what other explanation is there? Too bad... its not going to happen.. she needs to suffer through ths herself till she decides to bolt her head on stright and figure this out for herself. The moment I step in... I think.. I am screwed... In the mean time... think I am a technical neophyte or something. Which is odd she knows better... in the man time.. Ignorance is blisss its more fun then reality :)
Z.
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Odd that all... :/ Either they are REALLY supid or... they want to get caught. or something... I am not sure yet... W leaves the most incedibly stupid corrisponance up o her computer screen. I am not sure if it is because she reads the bulk of her e-mail onher iphone or if she is trying to leave it up on the screen and then for what purpose. I just ignore it and open up the browser and google recipes and what not... broser history completely blown away.... *sigh* Drives me NUTS if I really wanted to know... I cn find ways... I work in this industry... I don't want to know.. if I wanted to the things I could do would well. I dont know... Either they think we are stupid or.. NOT. If NOT what do they want... really? half the time i think W wants me to kcik her butt half way back to anciant times... what other explanation is there? Too bad... its not going to happen.. she needs to suffer through ths herself till she decides to bolt her head on stright anOd figure this out for herself. The moment I step in... I think.. I am screwed... In the mean time... think I am a technical neophyte or something. Which is odd she knows better... in the man time.. Ignorance is blisss its more fun then reality :)
I think they want to be caught. And to have high drama. If they get high drama that means you are still engaging with them, you react to them.
They need drama and lots of attention. When I stopped paying attention to husband he did not took long to file for a fault divorce process against me. It keeps me, even if I do not want to, somehow attached to the drama. Or so he thinks...Well, I can't run from the court case but I can let it up to my lawyer do deal with it.
I know what my husband wants, wants be to ask him why he is doing what he is doing. How come he can lie to the court, and is he not ashamed of it?...If I do that, well, he has is day! So, I don't do it. ;D ;D ;D ;D
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I'm dreading the holidays even though W has told the kids and I that she will still be a part of it. She told D10 again today that she will be joining us for our Thanksgiving dinner here and that she will be here Christmas Eve when they get up to open their presents (didn't specifically say spending the night this time). I won't have them spend separate holidays because they still live in the family home with me and W left of her own accord. She abandoned them but I won't. She will be invited to all of our holiday festivities and I've made it clear to her that the mother of my children will always be welcome in my home. I don't know what it's going to be like, and the romantic side of me keeps thinking that a Christmas miracle might happen and and W will wake up and realize she wants to stay with the family she left behind. Maybe it's not MLC. Maybe she is a WAW and was just burned out. I can keep praying, can't I?
I really dread having to do everything and pay for everything this year. This is really tragic and this time of year has always been the best for me. I HATE not being in a great mood around this time of year. I just hate it. I do want to take the advice of LG and the others on here who have suggested doing something to help those who are in greater need. Perhaps seeing that our sitches aren't the worst out there will help us to appreciate what we do have.
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I really feel your pain Thundarr and to be honest feel exactly the same about wishing and hoping for a Christmas Miracle. I also know I have to prepare myself for having that hope shattered once again.
Ez xx
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EZ,
Re-read the article about MLC taking time...a whole lot of time.
It took me a while to accept that my H wasn't going to wake up any time soon. Last Christmas....I struggled, I took it personally, I cried and felt sorry for myself. It was a waste of precious time. MLC takes time. Replay, which is the longest stage - takes a whole lot of time. In time, you will come to accept this.
Thus...make your own Christmas miracle. Focus on making it a good Christmas for you and your family. Leave your MLCer to their crisis. There is nothing you can do about it anyway.
And, here is my advice to myself. DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY. This a personal problem...a personal problem of your MLCer... who has made it your problem. But, this is not due to anything you've done or caused. Don't allow another person's crisis to ruin your holiday.
Now, let's see if I can follow that advice.
Take care,
L
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I think they want to be caught. And to have high drama. If they get high drama that means you are still engaging with them, you react to them.
I agree completely. It's all about them being the rebellious teen. The drama makes them feel something in their numbness. I don't buy into it at all either, now that I know the ropes. Leave the OW to do that.
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I agree that doing something different is a great idea. That can be something really fun from some changing up of the gift giving...or perhaps different meal traditions...whatever.
Another great idea is to volunteer on or around the holidays. Animal shelters, nursing homes, hospitals and so on...giving something to those that are in bad shape and can't help themselves can make you feel really good...it's a win-win.
Bon
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Hi well said Limitless and Kikki -
Got one for you all Please YOUR views on a postcard
My MLCer H told my Daughter yesterday that he doesn't do Christmas any more ! Last weekend when when she said meet you at home (his flat) he said I don't have a home!!
he is still manic if the kids touch his phone, laptop, rucksack ???
they are staying with him 3 months now and he has still never mentioned me once and if my name is mentioned he walks out of the room
this MLC life is so crazy isnt it - I am looking forward to Christmas this year so much got a fake tree (really nice) H would only have real ones, eating anything but Turkey (only he liked Turkey) and am have painted the house bar upstairs and one room downstairs - without asking him the list goes on
Take control of doing what you and your kids want he well he's happy being in lala land so we should leave them to it xxB
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Good grief Bewildered - just saw your BD was mid 2009!! You're six months ahead of me.
Your H sounds still deep in the land of the replayer. It's lala land alright. Nothing to try to make any sense of at all.
Has he shown any moments of the fog clearing at all?
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Last year at this time, my H was still a basement dweller. On Thanksgiving morning, as we were getting ready to go to my parents' house, he announced that he would not be going and was going to his parents' house instead. Such a nice thing to do to our daughters. That day he also announced he wouldn't be having Christmas with us, but he stupidly didn't think that one through because we host Christmas day at our house. ::) At the last minute, he decided he'd be staying for Christmas after all, but he sat and paged through a magazine during gift opening, then hung out in the basement alone while we played games and chatted.
This year we're divorcing and everything will be separate. My D17 has said a couple times that she's dreading Christmas. :( Like most of you, I'm determined to make it the best it can be. H gets them for Christmas Eve, but I get Thanksgiving and Christmas day. Although his physical presence will be missing, he emotionally checked out long ago. For better or worse though, the kids remember the good times and still feel the loss. :(
Horrible, selfish MLCers.
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Hi everyone, I plan on making my house look like that scene in Elf when he stayed up all night making the store look like Santa's workshop. Beautiful. let them see how talented we are. let them see how we put the kids first after all it's Jesus' birthday.
In their strange, dark world of masks and lies and trickery it's best, I feel, to carry on like a trooper. ;D Then when they stop by and see all the JOY they can process that when they go back to the hell hole they call their lives. Peace :)
Knowing it is only a blip on the screen. Our kids do notice and appreciate our strength And somewhere deep down so does the MLCer. :o :o :o
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Hi
Kiki
Oh yes much and many changes - he I think isn't in the fog of replay more of withdrawal but the pity party has been his mantra - he know me so well as when I first hear these silly things I get upset but these days I quickly remember its MLC behaviour . He never says these things to anyone but our D wh he knows tells me but last ight she and I agreed that no more as this upsets her too - she thinks he wanted her to feel sorry for him and ask me to invite him for Xmas ...........
But that will not be happening
I saw him a while ago he looked like a dead man walking he did not see me ... it was very insightful because he when we meet is so bright and bubbly to get a glimpse of his real self was priceless.
IMO he is and has been in withdrawal for 8 - 10 months now .. he want me to pull him out of his mess IMO and I will not do this - his mess his job to sort out and I guess we will see what he is really made of
No he is trying hard to but guess he cant yet get to the right place to work it out .... he has told me things that say he wants to but the actual actions seem too hard, I think he and other MLCers when they get further on down the line near the end that the final fears are the hardest and facing them because I guess its too painful.
so his sad life goes on
B xx
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B - as weird as this sounds, and I could only say this on this forum - but that's good then :)
A far better place for him to be in withdrawal, than to still be in replay after all of this time.
hugs
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K
He has always loved being the poor me after the anger went - I think it worked at first with me and the kids so he liked this - then of course we (cause we are normal/rational and sane) got a tad bored with it so when he feels ignored we get the following Mr rational kind and lovely - Mr angry then Mr pity me pity me pity me (I get kind one most of the time or a little angry man) then back on the wheel - what he hasn't worked out is that we can work it all out as he seems to not realise that we have been here before and he's still working it all out & so forgets Ahhhhh MLC world so dull. But so upsetting hey??
B x
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I think they want to be caught. And to have high drama. If they get high drama that means you are still engaging with them, you react to them.
I agree completely. It's all about them being the rebellious teen. The drama makes them feel something in their numbness. I don't buy into it at all either, now that I know the ropes. Leave the OW to do that.
Exactly, leave it to OW.
What happens this time of the year?...Well, I'll spend Christmas with my family and husband will spend Christimas playing music in a nightclub. Of, course, with OW2 on toe. Cool or what? Sound romantic and lovely ::) ::) ::)
I would say husband is following the same pattern that he used with OW1 (even if he never spent Christmas with her). Using special dates, Christmas, New Year's Eve, his birthday, to be busy, in some nightclub. And making sure, if, when at home, he is also busy. I do I know this having a vanisher? The grapevine. Husband's come home, goes to the computer chat, only goes out at sleep time.
With OW1, his 1st birthday wiht her was on a club, but he was not working. We only got drunk to the point of not remembering a thing. 1st New Year's Eve they went to some hotel. His 2nd birthady and 2nd New Year's Eve, he was playing music at a nightclub.
With OW2. His 1st and 2nd birthdays he spend it with her, at some place (correction, 2nd birthday he spent it with her, a bunch of party life friends at their flat, and surprise, he got drunk to the point of not remembering a thing ::) ::)). 1 st New Year's Eve, spent it with her. 3rd birthday, Christmas Day night, and 2nd New Year's Eve he spent it playing music in a nightclub.
This year he will do the same at his birthday, Christmas Eve, and, i would guess, New Year's Eve.
Also, with OW1, at a certain point, he took a job that leave him no room for her. She lived away, was only with him on weekeneds. He started working weekends. At night would be at some nightclub.
He his doing the same with OW2. 3 jobs, one at nightclubs. He never has any time just for the two of them.
Guess when he starts to have enought of them, he starts to take all the time he before has for them. To see if they leave, I guess...
Weird. To say the least.
Forgot to add. Husband's grandmother died early 2010. He did not come to our home town for Christmas that year, he will not come this year. He has not come to home town since his grandmother died.
Looks like, after all, classic MLC script...
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Not even a "Happy Thanksgiving" email from him. He's been at OW's house since Wed early evening where they likely had her family over.
He knows I have zero family and am alone other than our dog. I don't understand the complete disconnect/disregard for our friendship. Just threw away 19 years of true friendship like a piece of trash with no care. I don't understand this and never will. There is something very deeply wrong with a person who is able to do that. No reason not to send a friendly email.
It's one thing to nuke a marriage/romantic relationship, living together. It's another to nuke our friendship. It's what I find most upsetting in all of it.
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So sorry gutted..they are completely gone from who they once were....for several reasons, he may not be able to send you that greeting.
He is thinking just of himself.....I know it is terrible and hurtful (last year at Christmas I was totally devastated because I had left my H Christmas baking to eat and he did not even eat one piece ..somehow that seemed like such a rejection....I make something from love for him..it had nothing to do with our relationship).
I guess this is why we absolutely must live as though they are never coming back. As long as they are deep in their tunnel...they will not be able to act in a manner that is kind or sane.
(((hugs))) to you...do you have and LBSers that live near you? That has helped me so much to find my life again.