Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: BonBon on November 21, 2011, 12:21:08 PM
-
This may have been discussed before but I've noticed alot of self admitted people pleaser types here.
While I don't believe an MLC is intentional, I do wonder if LBS' tend to be pleasers, or "too" nice, or people with long fuses....etc.
It just seems to be something I read alot and I wonder if on some subconcious level, our MLC spouses are aware that perhaps we might put up with more than someone with a less patient/tolerant/nice/confident disposition?
I know for a fact that while my H might have put up with certain things from me, had I ever had a PA and humiliated him (as he did me), he would have walked...no question. That is just an indignity he never would have given a second chance on. I'm sure of that.
I've always been someone who gave alot of rope to people...not a doormat at all times and I can be pretty strong when need be but...I'm definitely known as more "nice" than strong..more polite than not...will give more allowance than not.
I'm wondering if that is a commonality here...just curious....
-
BonBon,
I think I am just like you...a giver, obviously a person that forgives, maybe way to much given how many time honey has cheated.
I wonder sometimes if he just knows I wont let go because I havent shown him much difference in the past. Even though I have left and divorced him, I always came back.....so what have I proved other then I'll keep taking a beating? hmmmm I am a "give my shirt off my back" kinda person..with little backbone. I dont know.
-
Actually this is odd. I had walked out on a previous R before Dearheart and yes I was young bit I had been with him 2 years when he treated me badly and I hopped out of the car and walked away.
I had ways firmly believed if Dearheart had cheated on me I would have walked. Funny thing was in the beginning I almost did. It wasn't until he said a couple of things a few weeks in I realised it was something different.
If anyone had mentioned differently to me I would have laughed.
If anyone had said almost 2 years on I would be standing and not have someone new i would have been hysterical or furious.
But I have a giving nature and for me this journey has actually taught me I have strength and I can cope even when I have wanted to run. My lesson from this has been to stand. And not run. To face not escape.
Doesn't mean in the future I won't move forward totally and leave him for good but it's been more important for me to learn how to cope and not flee from issues.
-
The title of this thread made me laugh, my first response was "hell no, I'm a b*tch!" I needed that laugh!
But I am a giver, I gave exH everything for a long time, BUT when S, then 9 was diagnosed with cancer, everything changed for me. First, both S's needed a lot more attention, and I decided I deserved a little bit, too. And THAT was when everything caved in... So I was "nice," and then I did get a little b*tchy, especially when it came to his mother... But I am still laughing, I like that I grew a backbone, it only took 40 years, but it feels quite good, really!
-
Well - I guess it depends on what you mean by 'nice'.
pleasant; agreeable; satisfactory : we had a nice time | that wasn't very nice of him | Jeremy had been very nice to her.
• (of a person) pleasant in manner; good-natured; kind : he's a really nice guy.
My friends and family think I'm nice because I'm loyal, non selfish, think of others, listen to them, am pretty diplomatic BUT
they also know that I have pretty strong opinions, am not scared to speak out, and you don't mess with me.
I too would never ever have thought that I'd be in this position. Two years nearly post BD, my H with another woman, and I haven't thrown him to the cleaners.
Yes, I truly believe I would have done so earlier in our lives. But I wonder if that is part of our maturation. Part of us becoming more whole. Part of us growing up. We now realise that this is not about us. That this is about a broken person that we have spent a quarter of a century with, have three gorgeous children with, assets, business etc etc. We now have the maturity to know that you just don't throw that away lightly, or in a reactionary way - because our spouse is clearly unwell.
My H does know that I am strong, opinionated and loyal and compassionate. I guess he knows somewhere deep down that he is lucky.
I doubt very much that he thinks I'm a doormat.
-
Yes, too nice maybe! lol
I believe I addressed this on my thread. But I was ALWAYS the pleaser . the drop what I am doing so I can help you. In fact I did it this morning. My neighbor needed a ride to town. I was SUPER busy. But, I dropped everything took her to run her errand and brought her home.. then did what I needed. So I guess I am still learning. lol
My whole marriage I was the giver. H, was definitely the taker. Took me over a year to realize this. & now that he is home I am making sure I am not a DOORMAT any longer.
I know it stems from my childhood. The pleaser, too nice. I still get that from my friends "SG.. you are too nice" ..
I have learned alot this past year and a half. I can be nice But be strong. (wish I remembered this morning..lol)
-
I have been way too nice to my H so I guess that's why he thinks he can get by w/things.
My H has always been like a kid when it comes to getting gifts. I mean, we all like to get presents, but he's kind of a brat about it. He will talk to different members of my family & tell them what he wants in hopes of them mentioning it to me. And I don't mean in some casual way, I mean in a wear-you-down, you'd better make this happen kind of a way. I remember getting so frustrated once I was in tears and my mother finally had a talk with him about putting this kind of pressure on me. (It's pressure because he asks for things we can't afford then if I can't buy it he makes hurtful remarks about how inferior what I'd bought is.) So I usually over-extend us to make him "happy." It lasts around six months.
That's one of my biggest peeves with this whole zip-your-lips standing thing. I fear he is convinced he's getting something over on me because nobody's calling him on his actions.
-
.
That's one of my biggest peeves with this whole zip-your-lips standing thing. I fear he is convinced he's getting something over on me because nobody's calling him on his actions.
Wed2 I struggle with this too. Although I spent a large amount of time not zipping my lips the first year post BD. Even when I found this forum, near the end of that year, I read it and thought - no way can I do that!
My sister has just offered to approach my H again, which is really kind of her. She did it over 18mths ago, and he hated it (of course), although he hasn't forgotten it. This time she wants to approach it from the aspect of getting through this for him. I sadly said it probably would just make him turn back into the tunnel. They do need to find their own way through I guess, but don't forget we get to send truth darts.
I went through a long faze of zipping my lips, and am just getting on a roll with truth darts again. I do find it hard not to stop. Tightrope!! Some days I feel my anger bubbling up again - I'm sure it must be a monthly thing :)
SG - absolutely - you can be nice but strong at the same time. What was that thing in the 80's or was it the 90's? Assertiveness training LOL ;D
http://l-pawlik-kienlen.suite101.com/boundaries-a7622 This is on how to say no without feeling guilty. It does take some practice.
-
While I don't believe an MLC is intentional, I do wonder if LBS' tend to be pleasers, or "too" nice, or people with long fuses....etc.
It just seems to be something I read alot and I wonder if on some subconcious level, our MLC spouses are aware that perhaps we might put up with more than someone with a less patient/tolerant/nice/confident disposition?
I do fit this category and I also tend to be pretty passive. I have wondered if my H, knowing me, knows that I would put up with more. Who knows.
-
Kikki,
great link... I read it .. Gotta admit it is gonna take some practice. lol
Trusting,
Passive is also me. Goes right along with the pleaser attitude.
-
My H does know that I am strong, opinionated and loyal and compassionate. I guess he knows somewhere deep down that he is lucky. I doubt very much that he thinks I'm a doormat.
kikki's words serve me. Husband was always been the nice one and the pleaser one. H would had forgive me a EA or a PA.
I used to throw truth darks at him during OW1. Stopped even bother to talk to him since OW2.
-
I think as someone said earlier it depends on the circumstances for me...........im known by each and everyone of my family and FOO that if the chips are down they can always turn to me for help advice etc........but they also know if i don't like something then i will voice my opinion..........regarding h ive always been there for him but the same with him if he stepped out of line i wouldn't hold back...after BD i found it particularly hard NOT to say what i felt because that just wasn't me and i think h took advantage of that because to him i was being someone he didn't recognize..........its only this past 6/7 months that i truly say what needs to be said without worrying how h will respond that hes stopped monster...........i do think they smell the fear in the beginning and they don't respect us for that.........my h sort of confirmed this for me today......we were having a convo over a family member that as come to me for help...........it is a very complicated sitch that i wish i wasn't involved in but i cannot turn my back on this person/teenager (16yrs old) as this will have lasting effects on her for the rest of her life :( :(.......anyway we were talking about her mum and my h said MEN know when woman don't respect themselves or put their children first and once they know this then they lose all respect for that person........he said a man will treat that woman terribly because he knows she will put up with owt :o :o :o :o ..........so for me i will be me i didn't like the person i pretended to be it was exhausting having to watch what i said and how i said it...........i will say though that i have a lot more patience and i do think before i speak.......i don't react now out of anger i say what i need to say because i believe it needs to be said if that makes sense............xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
-
Good question. My H told me after BD that "I was the most forgiving person he had ever met." I'm not sure if he knew that my BIL was in MLC and my sister forgave him. ???
I know that he thought he was last on my list. Silly me, I thought his 93 year old mother in my living room and the small Ds were first in line for attention. It was him. ::)
I am also 'shirt off your back type' but having been through the 12 step program to stop drinking 11 years ago I now put ME first. I can't help others if I'm not up and running. Plus doing too much for others leads to enabling and that is no good either. More tight ropes for us. ::)
One thing I've learned through all of this MLC is people really will only treat you the way you let them.
That's when my being born in Brooklyn comes in handy! :o :o :o :o :o
I can really tell someone where to GET OFF!!!
-
Too nice = GED for sure. Funny to say, but that is one of the things I am working on. Last year for Christmas my brother told me all he wanted to give me was a backbone. I think I finally have it. But nice is who I am. I can't change that. What I can change is how nice I am. I no longer am a doormat. I've been guilty of that too often for too long.
I'm finding that you can be strong and nice at the same time. I can have an employee who is so ticked off at "me" in the beginning of a conversation, to apologizing to me at the end. It's all how you word things. I've always been able to do that at work. Now I'm transferring that to real life.
-
I thought it might be interesting to hear people's thoughts on this.
One of the things H said to me at one point was that I was the most loyal person he had ever met....to me, that can be part of being "nice". Not always of course but I'm sure you get my drift.
Later, I told him that he counted on this loyalty right from the beginning and took advantage of it to which he responded, "yes, I did".
Is that a doormat? I'm not sure.
-
I get the same things from honey as well...
"your so loyal"
"your the most forgiving person I know"
"your such a wonderful person"
"Your so giving and understanding"
Alot of what most of you all have said is ME too..never was one to zip it. I stood my ground..but would be there for you in a heartbeat. Maybe Givers and fixers go hand in hand???
-
I think they do Syn.
You know, if you give, you naturally want to fix and if you fix, that's a form of giving.
I frankly kind of resent it when I hear those things...I suppose when H was back in monster mode, I would have loved hearing it...but now, it's sort of false praise. Sometimes I want to respond with "so what?"....."what good has that done me?".
But you know, then I realize that if I said that, it would be too much meshing my personality traits into expecting something from him. So, if loyalty etc is my good quality, then it is just that. It isn't my problem if people don't appreciate it. But I can certainly now know that it shouldn't be handed out so readily nor so obviously.
Hmmmm.....learning all the time....lol.
-
BonBon
I frankly kind of resent it when I hear those things...I suppose when H was back in monster mode, I would have loved hearing it...but now, it's sort of false praise. Sometimes I want to respond with "so what?"....."what good has that done me?".
I have felt this way MANY times too!!!!
-
So can I take an educated guess you've wanted to say "not anymore sweetheart!"
:)
-
LOL Oh many many times!!! :D
-
hehehe... ;)