Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Buggy31 on July 08, 2010, 08:15:17 AM
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I was thinking about the responses I've come to naturally use with my MLCer. Here are two of my favorite. They have been pretty powerful in diffusing drama in some situations. Although when MONSTER is present I don't think any phrase will work. Anyway, I'd love to here some of your favorites too.
Here's mine
"that's understandable....."
"no problem from this end"
" I can be flexible in the sense that......."
All of these have come to me when I took the time to respond and not react which would have yielded a whole seperate choice of words (if you know what I mean). I find my H actually using the language that I use with him lately. It shows me what an important model we are for them despite their drama.
Buggy
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....."I can see why you would see it that way."
......"I understand what you are saying."
......"Obviously, you feel very strongly about that."
What I really want to say.....
"Where on earth did you get that sort of cotton-headed, ninny-muggins, hair-brained idea such as that?!?!"
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I like to use:
"That must be (must have been) hard for you"
"That seems to be very important for you"
I'm sure there are others.
LOL, Still, I think it would be easy to start a thread on what NOT to say (but would make us really feel good).
Before I got to my present stage, I actually threw cushions at H, and screamed "you must be out of your mind. You are acting like a totally selfish b***d. Totally egocentric, blind to all consequences. Don't you realise how other people see you? How ashamed your children are? As for the selfish cow you are seeing, ask her if she could cook, clean, look after the kids, set up your computer, do your tax return and accounts. She still gets her mum to do her shopping and cleaning. How mature is that?"
Needless to say, it did me no good. It relieved me for a few minutes until I saw the damage I'd done. Wish I'd been on this forum then.
I'd like a thread on what we'd like to say to OW...
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Still - made me LAUGH OUT LOUD!! Ninny muggins - hahahaha!
I like to use "you know what, you may be right", "you make a good point"
oh, and my favorite, "I'M SORRY I MADE YOUR LIFE HELL!!" - haha - jk
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Still - made me LAUGH OUT LOUD!! Ninny muggins - hahahaha!
ELF is one of my favorite movies!
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Mine too! I have a very funny story about that movie. Remember the scene when Elf goes into the conference room and sees the little person and thinks he's an elf, and he says to Elf, "call me elf one more time!" Well, my son and I watch that movie ALL THE TIME - it's one of his favorites too. One day, we were in a local fast food place and he saw a little person who looked just like that actor. When the guy walked by, my son says to him, "call me elf one more time!" I just about sank to the floor! I had to explain to the man that my son is autistic and that he looks like that actor from the movie; he was very understanding. We laugh about it now - haha.
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FHO,
Oh dear. I can totally see that happening. I'm glad the man was understanding.
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H does not like the standard DB phrases, especially "I am sorry you feel that way". What have you got to be sorry about? he says.
Silence is one of the best for me.
Ones that work for me are more causal:
Oh that must suck
I understand that would.....
Hmmmmmm
Another I like to use is humour to defuse. For example, every month H says that this is the last time he will be spending the night under the same roof as me. I use the above and have also used:
H - this is the last blah blah....
SR - two dogs and a chicken
H - huh?
SR - I have been trying to remember this really funny joke for days and it just came to me. (silence and smile)
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H - this is the last blah blah....
SR - two dogs and a chicken
H - huh?
SR - I have been trying to remember this really funny joke for days and it just came to me. (silence and smile)
ROFLMAO!!!
LOLOLOLOL!
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When I tried "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "that must have been hard" H told me it sounded like responses I got out of a book and - in a round about way, told me that he didn't feel like I was "hearing" him because of that.
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This is cracking me up reading your remarks. I will have to find some good ones to add. We are in NC, 5 months, which makes this all easier to deal with but I would like to be able to express myself with some humorous remarks if the need arises. I'm ready to start laughing about all of this.
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I was just reading up on someone else's situation and except for a few personal details I could have written the conversations between my H and our story would have been the same. Exactly word for word he has said the same things to me.
Aside for the obvious, I love you but I'm not in love with you...
What are some "scripted statements" you have heard as a LBS?
Here are a few of mine:
I hate that I'm doing this to you.
This is just something I need to do.
I love you, you've been amazing but this is something I have to do and it kills me to see you hurt like this.
She's just my friend.
Please don't beat yourself up over this . You have been beyond great in putting up with me through this.
I'm not sure if I want to work on this.
I might leave.
You pushed me away.
You were so cold to me.
I'm here, aren't I? That's how I'm working on it.
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I'm not gonna file and I'm not gonna not file :o
I'm unhappy and I have to figure out why
I've been unhappy in this R for YEEEEEEEEEARS
If I loved you how could this have happened
this could drag out for YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEARS
Oh and I've found my MLCER loves certain words and phrases:
Furthermore
moving forward
At this point
THIRD PARTY
YO 8) What's up!
That's insane :o or your insane :o or they're insane :o basically anyone who is not my MLCer is Insane...
I could go on...........really
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Whatever
yep
cool
Aarrrgh
Plus others
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I feel no shame, guilt or remorse for what I've done
I haven't been happy in a long time. I need to be happy. Jesus wants me to be happy?????
I need space
I need patience
I don't want to be married to you anymore
Stoney silence
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You are so controlling.
It is my time to be selfish.
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It's your fault
I only did .... for the kids sake.
You and OW will be great friends. :o
Ow is just like you really. >:(
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ok...
ILYBINILWY
I dont want to be married anymore
I need to find myself
I have nothing more to give, I am broken
I need time/space
I just cant take that chance( on saving our marriage)
all so similar...
L
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I love you but not the way I think I should
I'm just not happy.
I need to know if I'm going to miss you
I don't know if I want to be married to you for another 20 or 30 yrs.
I need time and space
I didn't leave you for her, I left for my own survival
I looked after everyone for years, now I need something for me
I'm not going to feel ashamed or guilty about this
I'm moving on the best way I know how
I love you and probably always will, but I'm not in love with you
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And the famous:
"I don't want to".
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rolls eyes ::)
I need to make me happy for a change
I want to live a life without responsibilities
I cant face what i have done
I am being selfish for a change
I have ruined everyone's lives
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The ones that stuck in my mind:
'I didn't leave the kids, I left you'
'You controlled me for 20 years'
more recently h. told D16 that he thought '2 months was enough time for everyone to have moved on and accept OW ......'
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I got the two above!!
I was also told, after he had left, that if I'd looked after him better .......... none of this would have happened.
And....
'there's too much pressure'
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Yes, I got the "I left you, not the kids" as well.... very near the beginning.
I also got, about 3 months in, when I said that I had known he had been unhappy at point x, he said "then why didn't you do anything about it then?! As if I hadn't tried like crazy....
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Wow, T & L. I had similar to that. H told us he didn't see anyone trying very hard to stop him leaving. WHAT????? :o :o :o :o
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"God gives us free will."
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I love you but it just isn't enough
I don't know
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I've been unhappy for x, y, z years (the number constantly changes)
I just want to be happy
I can't be married anymore
You are so controlling
OW/OM has nothing to do with this
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I'm recognizing more:
I don't know. (D12 said this is Daddy's punch line)
I've been unhappy for 4 yrs, 2 yrs- finally settled on a long time.
This is not about OP.
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ILYBINILWY
I love you like a sister.
Ive been unhappy for x,y,z, years
I'm not coming back
we can still be friends
The kids will get over it
To the kids: I love you both, I love your mum, its just.......................
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I have put everyone else above my own wants for years
I have been unhappy for one, five, sixteen years...forever
You were never there for me
I've always been a good girl for once I want to be bad. (Got really mad when I said, "I'll treat you like a bad girl." You have to understand that I need to learn to keep my mouth shut at times)
People have walked all over me for years
I want to have fun
I just want it all to end
You don't understand me
Om has nothing to do with us
I only have twenty years left, I want smiles.
I need space
It has all been about you and your career
Give me a couple of more months then I'll let you know
Thank you
Thank you
Take care
Thank you very much
I don't know
I prayed to God and he (om) came into my life
We tried counseling and it did not work
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Our first therapist (who we paid good money too) actually told my H that it was time for him to get in touch with his bad side..he also told me that when I returned to the states, that I needed to find a therapist that would shake up my moral values???????? So much for therapy..far more useful to come here.
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I can,t live like this anymore.
I don,t love you enough to stay with you.
There is just to much happen over the last couple of years that has changed us so much.
I,m not happy.
All I am is a paycheck.
Nobody will ever make you happy.
you pushed me away.
As far as I,m concerned we are not married anymore.
We can still be friends, just friends.
Ask D- When is it his turn to be happy?
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I like the title of this thread... let's look at this at the other side. No matter how you spin this if you are to break up with your spouse/girlfriend/husband or partner how many lines really does exist for a person to use?
If you look at the bigger picture whether you are MLC or not and you want to "break up" a relationship how can you say it to your partner without using the same phrases?
Any suggestions ?
Reason why I ask this is for us to realize that these "phrases" that seem to be used a lot is not because the person is in "MLC"... it is not exclusive to a person in "MLC", in fact teenagers/ or young adults uses the same phrases. I view these phrases simply as "BREAKUP LINES".
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ece711
A few thoughts from me about your question.
Teenagers and young adults may use some of the same phrases, though I'm not sure "I love you but not in love with you" is a common teenage breakup phrase.
The reason I think these phrases can be attached to MLC is because they tend to demonstrate that nothing is really wrong with the marriage itself. That may be why these phrases can be called "bomb drops". Saying these words so suddenly after 10, 15, or 20 years of marriage is different than after dating someone for a few months.
Also, on this particular thread, many of these script lines show the MLCer actually taking some of the responsibility. A big part of the script in my case is similar to what Readytofixmyself first wrote.......which is projection. My ex-wife took very little responsibility for how she felt.....she projected it on me....yet she is the one who wanted the divorce.....yet it was my fault that she did.
One of the commonalities in my case, my friend's case, and it looks like also in Readytofixmyselffirst's case, is the MLCer talks about a lack of intimacy. The commonality of the scripts in my case and my friend's case went beyond the breakup itself.
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I agree that these phrases are used quite often, by teenagers or young adults. These are not phrases used by mature adults in committed relationships.
I was married before for 5 years to a man that abused me and abused himself. After trying my hardest to maintain the marriage through years of therapy and solid communication with my partner I decided to end the marriage and the relationship. I communicated exactly why this had to happen. I never said anything like "I don't know."
I knew exactly why I needed to leave the marriage and so did he.
When I was in high school and college dating I'm sure I gave some lame excuse from this list, because I wasn't mature and there wasn't a committed relationship.
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I never got the ILYBNILWY speech I got
You sucked all the love out of me!!
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I've been such a Boy Scout when it comes to you.
Guess that's why he felt the need to be with someone else.
He used the "boy scout" thing about work once also about 2 or 3 years before he got himself fired for flying into a rage regarding overtime pay.
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If I can remember correctly as it was like a dream that I couldn't wake up from.
I got so much going on in my head - twice
I'm numb, I don't feel anything
I'm sorry - my Ds and I all agree if he says this one more time we're going to throw a shoe at him !!
I didn't start seeing her until I left
She feels bad - UGH !!
You pushed me away for years and I need to protect my heart - what about mine ?
You never want to do anything with me
and on and on and on !!
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Ive been unhappy for x,y,z, years
I'm not coming back
I don't love you
How can I love someone who would let me live in unhappiness
I only stayed for the girls
We only stayed together out of fear
We both had a part to play in this bad marriage
At the same time
You don't deserve this
You did nothing wrong
We had a good marriage
Its not you its me!
I'm so screwed up
I need space to work this out
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I just don't see you the same way.
If I stayed, it wouldn't be 100%.
OW is not a homewrecker.
I can't give up OW.
You and I are two different people with two different outlooks in life.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel, but it's not the same light that you see.
The devil is my shadow.
If I'm having my cake and eating it too, then why am I not hungry?
I'm depressed. No, I'm not depressed.
I only drink because I'm here.
I'm not the right man for you.
I don't really feel guilty for what I've done and it's messing with me.
I think I had some kind of postpartum depression after my vasectomy. That's why I feel so attached to OW's D.
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I need space [ loosely translated as 'leave me alone, I want to go and daydream about the other man' ]
I don't think I want to grow old with you
I don't love you
I don't want to be your wife
I want to find myself [ I sometimes want to tell her to look herself up on Google Maps ]
Oh yeah!? [ default response to anything I say or ask ]
Laters dudes [ did any generation ever say that!? ]
I'mmmmmmmmmoutahere!
[ And that damned Black Eyed Peas song 'I got a feeling' - sings that a lot ... I could kick will.i.am ]
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Feel a bit guilty writing this list, but also nice to say how I feel.
holdingon
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I've been feeling this way for a couple of years.
Ok, for about 10 years.
No, it's been about the better part of 20 years.
I have not loved you for the entire time we've been married.
I don't even know why I married you.
I can't stand the sound of your voice or want to even see you.
You have never understood me.
You have never bothered to find out who I really am. What my dreams are.
You really don't understand the depth of the damage you have done to me.
I don't trust you.
I don't believe you when you say you love me.
I'm tired of being your "meal ticket".
I'm tired of working and providing for everyone. Tired of being taken for granted.
You are too high maintenance for me.
You are way too demanding and controlling.
We have nothing in common.
I figured out that we want different things out of life. (it took him 33 yrs. to figure this out?!)
Maybe we could try to work things out.
I'm so confused and tired of the rollercoaster I'm on. Too many emotions.
I can't tell you I love you yet.
I do care about you.
I've been thinking of dropping the divorce and us moving back in together.
Then 2 days later: I haven't decided what I'm going to do.....still contemplating.
You should look for someone else. I'm worthless. I've failed you.
You need someone with a lot of money.
The OW isn't making demands on me like you are.
The OW is making demands on me now and I don't like it.
Now I think I can't trust all women.
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ILYBINILWY
You made fun of me picking my finger..
This goes back 1 year, 2 years, quite a while
You accused me of an affair
We are" just friends"
I don't have any feelings
I don't have any feelings for you in the marriage
I can't hug you...I told you I don't have any feelings
It's not you, it's me
I consoled you when you couldn't breathe when I dropped bomb- ( I had a bad panic attack and quit breathing)
What if I don't want to work at it?
What if I don't want to come back
People tell me how good I look- so I must be doing something right...(repeatedly for 2 years)
I hope we can be civil and act like adults ...(W-T-F?)
"K"
lie after lie about people, places, events
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The lying is the one that's killing me and the girls.
We don't believe a word he says anymore and even if he got rid of ow begged and pleaded and asked for forgiveness ( which we are sure he will never do) We wouldn't believe him.
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ILYBINILWY
I don't want a relationship with you
I care about you
I like you
You haven't changed
We've nothing in common
This is going no-where
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Lying when it would be easier to tell the truth. No reason to lie.
ILYBNILWY
We can all be friends.
If I hadn't done this I would be dead. ( would have killed himself)
This wasn't about OW. It was about me.
Not happy last 5,7,20 years.
I'm trying not to hurt you.
You never loved me.
Kids get over divorces all the time.
You don't make me happy.
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I want what everyone wants - ever lasting love!
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Butterfly
I think my H stole your H's script! Especially the bit about being dead (for him it was by year end) if he didn't go, That was a real silencer, how do you argue with that?
Actually reading all the scripts has put a smile on my face. Really, how old are these people?
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The ones I remember the most are:-
I love you but not as much as I should do.
I've been bored for 4 years.
I never had a youth.
I want to put me first for a change.
I'm not particularly unhappy, just not 'happy'.
We have drifted apart and don't have anything in common.
We have never had a conversation.
I will never shirk my responsibilities.
You always pushed me away.
I want to live my life without being questioned.
The kids will be OK. they will adapt like every other kid that goes through this.
I'm sorry, I guess it was just never meant to be.
I could go on and on, but I will just be repeating what every other person has posted here. After all they all refer to the MLC manual don't they.
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WOW :o
My H is a young MLCer but he is in a MLC. Here's the script that I've gotten since that fateful day.
I love you but I don't think I'm in love with you anymore. :o
I don't want to be married anymore.
I never got to live my 20's.
I haven't been happy for some time. Couldn't you notice?
You've been living in a fantasy that I created.
I've lied to you for 15 years.
I feel like I'm killing my best friend.
I'm sorry, I tried to push these feelings away but you just kept pestering me.
I wanna die.
If I stay here any longer then I'll wind up killing myself.
The boys will understand.
I'll always be here for you I just can't be with you.
And then 2 months later....
I can't believe I felt bad for hurting you when you've hurt me.
You took advantage of me.
You used me.
You never appreciated me. ???
You put me on a shelf and only spent time with me when it suited you.
You didn't want to spend time with me.
I never loved you. >:(
I stayed with you because I owed it to you.
We married too young.
God said that I'm on the right path. ???
I'm just down the road.
3 months later...
I've moved on, why can't you?
You shouldn't feel betrayed by her. I'm the one who left you.
Since then I've heard how he wants to put our family back together but nothing has changed with him. How he misses the boys. And now he's home and he doesn't talk about any of it at all. He's told others he still and always will love me. He's said how he wishes he had listened to me about his depression before and maybe none of this would have happened. And he's promised the boys that he'll never leave again.
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A few more have sprung to mind:
I'm concerned about our relationship
I don't know what I want
Your not happy
SK
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I'm sorry, I tried to push these feelings away but you just kept pestering me.
Wow, Chloe.
My H said, "If you had never backed me in the corner, I never would have told you how I was feeling."
He still says that I caused all of this.....I guess if I hadn't kept asking him about his feelings, he would never have gone through MLC. :o
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ExH said this about me also.
He made the statement about ow
My involvement with her was more about you than her :o
Wouldn't that be more about him than me?
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Yes many of these scripts sound familiar from my wife, who had been the very best partner for the 23 years before BD two years ago, very difficult for both of us since. Anyway, the very best line from her before moving to a tiny appt. in August (leaving me and daughter (15) was:
"I can be a better parent from a distance"
Does not get much better than that...
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I haven't heard as many as some of you but can add a few of the same a couple of new ones to the list.
I Love You...but not romantically any more.
Not willing to work on our relationship because the beast inside me is forcing me to the OW.
The beast says I have to try this other relationship to see where it goes.
I want us to be friends so if I break up with OW I will know if you are seeing someone so we can get back together in the future.
The OW is willing to do fun stuff I wasn't willing to do. So far...they have only done everything we did together...she just replaced me with the OW.
A few to add to the list....
I want to chance to do all the fun stuff I can before I'm to old.
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Ok, this one takes the cake in my mind...
I want us to be friends so if I break up with OW I will know if you are seeing someone so we can get back together in the future.
. Thanks Food Gal!
Perhaps we can vote on which ones we like best and submit them to David Letterman for his top 10 list of what MLCer's say to their devoted, loving and wonderful spouses...ooopppsss seems to me he might not be sympathetic based on his past history!
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My favorite is:
"I don't know." Because i think this might be the ONLY true statement any of them say.
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Agreed! I heard this for months!!! I think they do (at least my h) he just didn't want to SAY it out loud.
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Oh, I forgot about this one:
It wouldn't be fair to OW if I stayed here.
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Oh JF&D You have GOT to be kidding!!!! :o :o :o
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I had one like that too:
'I feel terrible that I betrayed the OM's trust'
[ When I revealed that I had read some of their emails to each other ]
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I've found someone else
i don't love you anymore
i don't want to be married or to have kids or to have any responsibilities
it is what it is
I'm sorry
it's not that bad
i admire the OW strength
i understand
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Wow ... I had 'it is what it is' too.
And I particularly didn't like that one ... I don't like that expression at all.
In the end, I said ... 'it isn't what it is ... or it is what it isn't - because this just doesn't add up'
[silence]
holdingon
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When my H "broke up" with OW last year....he said
I feel bad for what I did to OW ???
It kills me to think I could have broken up HER familly and HURT HER kids ??? :o ???
Never has he expressed this about ME and OUR KIDS and OUR FAMILY >:(
They're NUTZ :o
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I hear you there, Still.
"He still says that I caused all of this.....I guess if I hadn't kept asking him about his feelings, he would never have gone through MLC. :o"
Yeah, I guess we are supposed to believe that because we care about what they are feeling that we are the cause of their insanity. Sounds a little "insane" to me. I can't count how many times my H said this. So now I don't ask as much. I ask one time if he's okay or what's wrong and if he responds with nothing, I leave it alone. Wouldn't want to "push" him into deeper MLC. LOL
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"Our relationship(A) is open and honest."
That drives me nuts. H would not tell her when he saw me...and there was hell to pay when she found out.
After hearing this, again, I asked him if they were so honest with each other, did he tell her that he loves me, that he misses me, and all the other lovely things he would tell me? Wow, that really confused him.
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LGO, my husband does the same thing... claimed he was honest with OW and TRYING to be honest with me. I called him on the fact that "how does she feel about you still being in love with your wife" and variations on that theme many times... clueless! He has even laughed about her when with me... as we were going on a "date" and I asked him how that would "go over". He lies to her about SOME things, like if he's staying in a hotel when he visits the kids, but tries to tempt me to stay overnight with him. :oThe sad thing is, he probably acts the same way about me when he's with her. What a creep.
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Little vent here
The one I hate the most is "I understand" implying a sort of omnipotent godlike knowing. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH I hate that...... >:( >:(
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Oh yeah I hate that one too
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I hate the "I'm sorry" with no real meaning behind it.
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I get "I understand" all the time....I Hate it too.
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"It is what it is"
I HATE that phrase... thank god he hasn't used that one yet.
He once said to me about ow
"She doesn't know everything"
So I guess he's lying to her also.. but Lord knows I didn't add "well either do I and either do you"
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My H just use the "it is what it is" when writing an email to our kids about Thanksgiving.
I truly dislike that phrase, as well. It is what it is - 'cause he is choosing to make it so.
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Before H left, and I was suggesting things to try to improve our relationship all he could keep saying was:
'It'll just go back to the same'
How many times did I hear that >:(
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Yup, I got that one too, UGH !!
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Just remembered something else H said when he left.
I will always be grateful to you for everything you have done for me, but it's not enough and I can't live my life being grateful.
I guess it was just never meant to be.
Part of me misses my life with you, and part thinks it's for the best.
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Mine frequently says 'she doesn't know eveything' or 'she doesn't need to know where I am all the time'.
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Don't they know that every excuse hurts us and questions us in everything we have done in the past or even now ? I know, I know they are so stupid now that it doesn't matter that much to them.
M H has said " I was rejected so much that I shut down all my emotions to you and that is why you didn't notice I was unhappy"
Rejected, really ? Hey bud the feeling was mutual !!
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I just got that one yesterday! He was rejected!
Said it has been ongoing for years but started 10yrs ago. I asked him why he never told me how he felt especially around the time I 'rejected him and all he had to offer' (reference to his wanting to live in Australia and my 'rejection' of that). He told me I should have noticed how unhappy he was! Well he put on a damn good act up until 5mths ago!
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My H had been trying to tell me for 12 years he was unhappy and I wouldn't listen um.
My H said he felt rejected because I changed in 1984 after being out of the country for 3 months! We didn't marry until 1987 :o
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I got the same one about didn't you notice:
H said
"I've been walking around out behind the house a lot didn't you notice?"
I told him I thought he was getting some exercise!
Yeah the act was a good one.
Even when confronted with emailing ow
He said "Now that name I haven't heard in years..I have no idea what you are talking about"
And me being the wife WANTED to belveve him and could not tell he was lying so I must have been pretty unconscince too.
Then he admitted it the next day to me at work..of course so I couldn't throw a fit.
When we talked about it when I got home I was amazed how calm I was.
I knew I couldn't stop it anyway.
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I didn't think you loved me anymore......
I need space.......
I don't know.......................was always his answer to all my questions.....
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I'm getting the one about being rejected a lot now... I actually DID reject him two of the times he is referencing :'( but the third time was just a week ago when he didn't come home on Friday after calling me that afternoon to tell me he was coming home just as soon as he broke up with OW "for good" after he finished his lunch... then he texted me on Sunday night to say he was on his way as he "finally did it!" um.... I said, "is there anything you need to say to me?" and his answer was "no, not really.." so when he asked if he could move back in with us I said NO. This was less than an hour after breaking up with her and loading up his car with his stuff. So he turned around and went back to sleep at their apartment in the bed he bought for them a few weeks ago >:( >:( >:( since he had "nowhere else to go". BUT, they didn't have sex so it's "not that bad" :o Seriously?
To his credit, though, Monday morning he came home and broke up with her again on the phone (blamed me for having to do it all over again :o) and blaming her for "not accepting it".
So, he tells me I rejected him Sunday night when he needed me the most... :o :o :o I pointed out to him that he had just rejected ME in the worst way, AGAIN, with the big lie on Friday night about being stuck in traffic and would spend the night in a hotel and "see ya tomorrow!"
I think the "rejection" script is about childhood abandonment issues, plain and simple and there is NO way you can stay out of that line of fire because they are completely unaware and grasping at straws...
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LG,
I don't know about you but I am fed up with all the excuses and lies. If they would just be honest we could move through the pain and go on. But with all the lies they tell how can you possibly ever trust what they say or what they do. Sorry but I'm not in a good place this morning. I don't know if resentment is building up but I find our sitch so unfair and just want some honesty for once. No more excuses !!
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I agree it's the lying I can't stand!!!!! And yes some of our pain would end if that would just stop. But how whould you ever know? And how long would it take for us to believe them??
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They can't stop lying.... it's a compulsion. My husband has told me he doesn't know why he lies.... I've heard from others on the forum that their MLCers lie about stupid stuff even. RCR does reference the lying and the reasons behind it in her works - mainly they lie because they don't want to be found out and because they are ashamed.
When I asked my husband where he spent Sunday night after our conversation about whether he had anything to say to me or not went NOWHERE, he said "I don't want to say" but then he told me he went back to OW to sleep. I told him I already knew... which I had figured out because they are so easy to predict. He thinks I'm a genius or a witch, however for being so smart, LOL! I'm glad he told me the truth for once, BUT, let me tell you, sometimes the lies are to protect you from UGLY stuff and you should let it go for that reason. I knew where he spent Sunday night, but it hurt to hear it from his lips. You can't win for losing with MLC.
Let the lying go for now, ladies. The best thing you can do is stop asking questions.
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I try not to ask any.
But I guess what I'm wondering is when they actually offer information, can it possibly be the truth?
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Who the heck knows. My H has been caught so many times since this is all happened. He was neve a lier before MLC so I think that's why he's always getting caught. I wish they would just stop the lying. What more could they do to us anyway ? The truth may hurt for sometime but at least it's the truth.
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I think mine was more of a liar before I made an "honest man" of him..but went right back.
Oh well maybe that was all he could do to hold it in for 27 years; the lure of it all was just too much.
Yeah he told me the other day he didn't want to tell me the truth about something because it would hurt me too much. Hey I'm already disemboweled; what more can he do?
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My h said that too...he couldn't tell me the truth because I couldn't handle it
and it would hurt me too much. Whatever, I'm stronger than he thinks. And I agree
yes the truth hurts but at least if we know what the truth is we can deal with it and
move on!
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No one else has mentioned this so maybe it is a unique one from my h. as told by him to D17 recently when she told him that his live in relationship with OW was an affair:
'I am not having an affair as mum knows about it so therefore it can't be considered as such'.
D17 still bemused and we laughed about it over dinner.
Now who can better that!
Crazy
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Crazy Stuff
My H was having an EA with awoman at work that my entire family knows. At one point during the EA I was at a party talking to her for aover an hour about how much we missed my H being at home because he was working so many hours.
My kids played with her....
As far as I know the EA ended shortly after, but D12 found out about it from texts and emails she read. After H moved out D12 sent two emails to her.
My H said to me, "Nothing has happened between OW and me, but if D keeps pushing I will try my hardest to make something happen."
So, now assume it's PA? Who knows!!!
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My H tries to project this "I'm in control of myself", I'm mature and you are not. I'm not hurt or sad, you are .
Can't stand it. Comes across as so arrogant. He forgets, his mask cracks once in a while and I can see the hurt, pain and confusion between the cracks.
Getting tired of it though!
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My H is just avoiding our knowlegde of the affair all together. Rediscover, he can blame you all he wants for the affair but it was his choice not yours. I hate the selfishness of MLC. They seem to have no regards for what any one else is feeling but themselves. UGH !!
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No one else has mentioned this so maybe it is a unique one from my h. as told by him to D17 recently when she told him that his live in relationship with OW was an affair:
'I am not having an affair as mum knows about it so therefore it can't be considered as such'.
D17 still bemused and we laughed about it over dinner.
Now who can better that!
Crazy
I got something similar... "It is NOT an affair! It is a real relationship!"
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I've also gottten:
I'm done with you
I can't go back... I won't go back
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HaHaHa.... I got a version of the "it's not an affair... it's a real relationship!" a couple of times before... I made the mistake of calling it a teenage infatuation and his head nearly spun off - "IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK!!!???"
They apparently didn't get the memo that we don't CARE how wonderful their new relationship is SINCE WE ARE MARRIED TO THEM!! DUH!
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Hi I agree about the lying.
It's not just the fact he lies. It's how good he is at it, and how long he has been practicing to reach this level of perfection. It makes me wonder if he has always been like that, and I was sucked in from day one.
I have got to the point now, where I don't believe anything he says to me. How he can look me in the eye, and lie so convincingly, makes me wonder if I ever knew him at all. This is the one thing that I would struggle with if he ever did come home, wondering if he was ever telling me the truth, and if I could believe him.
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Wow it is a basic script they have isn't it. Here are some new ones I havent seen.
I'll be a better father because i will be happier and spend quality time with them instead of everyday.
You don't deserve me.
Everyone knows and I'd rather not face my old friends, besides i am making new friends with OW
She worships me and you didn't - The Ow is more compatibe with me
You and I can still be friends , we have so much in common
The kids will have a great extended family and more kids to play with
So many more i don't even want to bother to mention. I love my h dearly and know that he is "sick" which allows me to forgive him for these statements. I don't want to condemn him right now, but truly just let him go to God's care. But it is sad to see how these statements seem "rational" to him.
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Last night, in between the tears, H said that he got sucked into it by OW.
I asked him if OW forced him to fly to Florida and F*** her. He paused and said No!!
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Early on d18 got this email from him that said
Your mother will be a better mother and me a better father this way
He told me once he's be a better exhusband than a husband
:o :o :o
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Here are some of the lines that I got (keeping in mind married for 25+ yrs and 2 kids):
"We have nothing in common and never did".
"I really didn't want to marry you and you knew that."
"You haven't changed. You are the same b*tch you always were."
"YOu care about material things and I don't."
"OW had nothing to do with this."
"I won't tell you who she is. She doesn't deserve that."
"The kids would want me to be happy."
"We are not compatible."
"I am not depressed."
"I figure I may have another 25-30 years. And I don't want to spend them married to you."
"People don't change. If I came back, nothing would change."
"I am not passive aggressive!!!"
"Our relationship was good for the first couple of years and then went downhill fast."
"You never loved me for who I was."
LettingGo, I doubled over with laughter at the "affair is a real relationship." That one almost tickled me til I couldn't breath. Mine too, thought the OW was the cat's meow. But it didn't last for 4 months after he left me and she dumped him because he was too selfish! So if their relationship was so "real" and based on love, why didn't she stick by him in spite of his obvious flaws? Now there is a reality check for you-
Did anyone else experience the H trying to recreate the same memories with the OW that they had with their spouse? Mine bought a canopy bed (because we had received one for a wedding present from my parents). What man buys a canopy bed??? And then he tried to take OW to a Shakespeare festival in Lenox,MA (I had taken him there in 1984 when we first met;(it was a truly magical weekend). It seems he was trying to replace all his memories of me by just repeating them with someone new. Weird, huh?
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How about;
I have spent all my life pleasing others and forgetting myself
Now it is time for me to do what I wasn't able to do
Marriage has become a prison
I will always love you, that is for always
I don't feel anything for you anymore
You never want my opinion I don't know why I bother giving it to you :-\
We need to get on with our own lives, individually/separately
The children are old enough to understand and I know that they prefer me to be happy than how I was
You let your self go
You embarass me
You never let me do anything I want
If I step out of line, you are immediately on my case
I am afraid of you ???
I didn't want to tell you this, but I will...
I am tired... that's all.
Maybe we should never have gotten married
I think I married you to escape from my mother and home... ??? (this coming from a man!!!)
I don't have friends, and I NEVER had a female friend, so what is wrong with that??
I think that God has told me not to throw away the great gift he has given us, life!!
How can you know what God's will is for your life? It just may be quite different and we will be happy separately. (in response to my statement that God blessed our marriage)
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Did anyone else experience the H trying to recreate the same memories with the OW that they had with their spouse?
Yes! He is taking OW to 'our' out of town get-aways. As the 25th anniversary of our 1st date (San Francisco) approaches, I wouldn't be surprised if he takes her there to celebrate it!
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Yes when ow was finally leaving the house and had been gone for three days he stopped at my work and said practically in tears:
"I thnk I'm losing OW. She had a childhood that was a lot like yours"
It was the knight in shining aromor thing.
Come to find out "losing her" was the best thing that ever happened to him and now he knows that! Whew!
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Found this my accident - very funny !!!!
http://nashlinks.com/midlife.htm
B xx
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LMAO THAT IS PRICELESS!!! Gotta go do some laundry (I think I wet myself) ;D ;D ;D
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ITFTLH
he he ........... ;D ;D ;D
I too could not believe it when I read it too ... think my H must have also cause this is him to a tee..
wish they had put the ending in how do i get myself out of this mess bit - hope its better than this script hey??
love B x
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Cracks me up because he actually used the term the other day and in an email he sent me. Rollercoaster ride. He's getting and/ or has gotten off finally!!
Hope the rest of the family can get off also now.
The happiest part for me is I really don't care anymore what he ends up doing.
I jumped just before the end. That's the trick. ;)
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Love that... BW might even let my H read it, what you think ;)
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Stayed H did and want happy ash her ???
makes them stereotypes and as my h always saw himself as unique this sorta says
N0000000000000000000000 you are a stereotypical man/dont think women in MLC says this do they??
who is having a MLC and you are really lucky you have us (LBS) as we are not stereotypical !!
if you do let us know his reaction ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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I haven't read the entire thread yet, but I've heard tons of those! Here are a few more of my H's favorites.
I am DONE
I'm looking out for #1 now
we aren't good together
You make me have to lie, I don't like doing it but I have no choice
You should have known I wasn't happy
When a marriage is right it doesn't take work
I am a GREAT dad (he feels the need to tell me this regularly)
We want different things in life
You want me to be someone I'm not
I tried for 19 years...I have nothing left to give
And my all time favorite - If I'm happy, the kids will be happy. :o
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oh I just had to jump in here too...:)
of course the obvious..
I love you but not in love with you
I wasn't looking for it, It just happened ( with OW )
I think there is something more out there for me
We shouldn't have remarried 5 years ago
You havent loved me for a long time
Maybe you should have put your foot down more. Wha?? really? :o :o :o
I KNOW I am in love with OW
She is the best thing that ever happened to me
You never show me affection
I still love you
Please, give me some time
I am so confused
I want to be with you, but can't leave OW
I am leaving OW
give me a month
give me a week
I miss you
And I believe that with regards to the above statement...Isn't the MLCer reliving some childhood stuff anyway? SO why wouldn't all these excuses resemble young teenage behaviour? Makes sense to me. :)
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Probably ...the whole thing is pretty teenage...
I've gotten recently now that OW is out of the picture;
I still have love for you..
I will always love you..
WOW :o :o :o
I wonder what kind of love?
Is it the "Hold on until I can figure out if I want someone else" kind
or maybe the
"Get on with your life;but we can still be friends" kind
or maybe it's the
"Your the mother of my children" kind
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Accidentally finding the "midlife crisis for dummies" was what made me FINALLY realize what was happening to my H and regain a bit of my sanity! What is so sad is, my H told me multiple times that "NOBODY has been where he is" and can understand the depths of his misery. I have tried to remind him that some people's children have cancer, or their entire families die in car wrecks. THAT is suffering. But he truly believes that his anguish surpasses all and that nobody can possibly understand.
They all think they are so unique in their "suffering" when in reality MLCers are all THE SAME! All of us are astonished at their sameness. I wish there was a way to make them see how pathetic they really are.
Edited to add that I realize this sounds a little bitter, but reading the crap that they ALL spew makes me wanna spew too. :P
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AMEN, Faith. That just goes to show you how selfish they are in their crisis. I couldn't have said this any better.
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I second LMM as MLC is a selfish crisis its about them and only them and oh yes only them .. xx
not very satisfying to be so in love with themselves and when something happens to them that makes them look around for support - guess who will be there to help them .. yes just them and when they have a good moment they will look around to share it with someone they really care about and again there will be just them
I think they will come out of MLC eventually from sheer boredom alone as the OP is either in her/his MLC or is a very odd person (as anyone wanting my H at the moment except for a free meal or two is seriously strange)
love B
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At our break up,
"I think you are going to be happy about this way sooner than you think."
About introducing kids to OW,
"This will serve as a blueprint for when you eventually find a "special friend"" (seriously, I almost choked on my drink when he said , and incidentally he has not even followed his own "blueprint")
Just the other day,
"I think we could only have saved our marriage if we had gone to counselling many, many years ago." Um, we have had 2 babies in that time and I am fairly sure I was there when we made a considered choice about this. They were not born into a "loveless" marriage.
and,
"If we were ever to get back together, I think it could only happen if we divorced first". Excuuuse me?
You know I think that with our combined efforts we could make a very funny sitcom out of our personal tragedies, if it hadn't been my H saying those things I would have peed my pants laughing.
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Bewildered, "I second LMM as MLC is a selfish crisis its about them and only them and oh yes only them .. xx"
I agree. My sister also made the point that an MLC is really a "high-class problem". You don't hear much about MLC in societies where basic needs are not being met, people simply don't have the time to be that self-indulgent when they are still fighting to acquire basic needs such as food and shelter.
I would like to have a MLC (looks like fun - no responsibility, lots of sex, indulging in a spendathon on designer clothes for me and furniture for my own chick pad), but mine will have to wait as I have two young children and an errant spouse ;).
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Oooooh,
I thought of 2 more. This in a goodbye letter:
1. "I want you to know that you are magnificent; you have the capacity to change the world, for me it is only a dream" Really? Magnificent? So you are leaving because? Oh and for me in recent months, H having the capacity to change a diaper has been a only a dream.
This in a goodbye email:
"I have mentioned many times that I am usually speechless when reading things you have written. Over the past months I had started to look for places that you could submit things you wrote and there were a few I found and thought I’d send you now. The first two are very, very flexible publications and highly respected – you know of one of them at least."
Are you serious? You have just left me a week ago with sole responsibility of 2 youngsters, the necessity of getting a full-time job and the requirement to move in order to do that, all while remaining in a foreign country, away from my closest friends and family who could support me. Um, I don't think writing the next bestseller is on the cards for me right now - guilt talking? "I had an affair, dumped you for the little tart, am attempting to give you as little financial support as I can get away with, but I am still a nice guy - I care about your hobby writing".
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S&D
"If we were ever to get back together, I think it could only happen if we divorced first". Excuuuse me?
TOOO funny!!! ;D ;D I got something like this only he said something about the things we say to each other now like I'm sorry etc...wouldn't get to be said if we stayed married :o :o
Yes I got the one about the "Loveless marriage"
I told him if he was refering to sex...I'd discuss that later.
Yeah and no kidding in this society it is almost geared to creating life conditions that lead to this kind of behavior!!
I couldn't agree MORE!!!
Plus ExH was always of the mind "If one is good 10 is better"
Hence 10 guitars that just one of those cost more than the car I drove for 5 years at one point...and he's not even in a band!! He's trying to be.
Like the saying goes:
"A man with one watch always knows what time it is; a man with two can't ever really be sure"
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Stand
I have a similar email. Except I'm amazing and perfect.
That's why OW is so attractive, they are needy and not amazing or magnificent. ;)
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My D14 made the obsevation ( before ow was out of the picture) that she thinks ExH thinks he doesn't desevre any better of a person that ow at this point..maybe she's right?
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I don't have any passion for our marriage.
I am not sexually attracted to you.
It's about me. It's not about you.
You're boring. You're rigid. You have a bad back (huh?).
Your opinion doesn't count because you're my wife and you're biased.
I need friends.
I need fun.
I'm selfish.
I'm better than everyone else.
I'm bored.
I can kick anyone whose younger than me's a**.
I need space.
You're suffocating me.
You didn't deserve this.
I've caused you too much pain, you'd be better off without me.
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I got a loooonggg drawn out 11 texts right after BD
I do not deserve you, You are a wonderful wife, companion, friend and Lover I could have ever asked for.
You did nothing to distroy our marriage, I take 100% responsibility for what I have "chosen" to do.
You do not need to worry or blame yourself for any of this, and I will NEVER show anger or blame towards
you for what I am doing you and to us.
I can only hope that I can learn to forgive myself and start by saying I am truly Sorry.
I sit here and cry at the very thought, that while you are reading these texts, Tears are
streaming down your face and it brings me great sadness, Please know. That upon my return,
do not confuse my Low hung head with me not Loving you, Because I will Always Love you.
My low hung head is the Shame that I feel for Failing you as a husband and failing our D.
Sheesh! needless to say...I saved these texts..for when he comes out of the fog. and can't remember
half the crap he has said or done!
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OMG synicca, my letter from h was so similar:
"even as i write this I cannot believe that I am leaving you
we were best friends, lovers, soulmates and that can never be taken away
the only regret that i have is how much i have hurt you (really ??? )
i am truly sorry for the pain i have caused. All of this is true."
blah, blah, blah, but i am still leaving you to move in with the office ow (no, it didn't say that, that was "magnificent" me ;) )
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S&D
We should change our names to "Magnificent" & "Amazing"
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LOL
I know! this is the thing that gets me..He finds it amazing that afterall he has put me through, That I still
show compassion and understanding.
He told me I was remarkable and wonderful! REALLY? makes my head do a "Linda Blair" effect...360 degree spin!
If I am so damn remarkable and wonderful, then WTH are you still doing with The OW? Because He has mentioned
on more then one damn occasion that he KNOWS I love him, and show it in all my actions. And the OW does nothing
to show him She does!
OMG! If I hear that one more time, I'm going to scratch his eyeballs out! :o :o :o :o
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rediscover - good plan!!!
you could be The Amazing rediscovery, and I'll be Stand and Deliver, the Magnificent. ;D Yours sounds archeaological (and given the depths that our spouses have sunk too, that may be apt)
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Synicca If I am so damn remarkable and wonderful, then WTH are you still doing with The OW?
They are with the OW because of the three D's. Delusion, Dopamine, their D**ks. Usually in that order...
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LOL :) :) :)
is'nt that the truth!! Well, then maybe the next time he says that to me...I'll chop his " you know what" off!
hehehe That just might throw him into "reality" So sorry OW, He can no longer perform "his" duties to you,
Now Go HOME! ::)
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Does anyone else's S end emails to you with the same questions everytime:
Would that work for you?
or Will this work for you?
or Does this work for you?
He usually asks it when he is in total disagreement with an arrangement that I have made.
Grrrrrr.
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I never got the one where he says he isn't sexually attracted to me. Even when he was with exow he said
"I've always had a Thing for you"
And he said it again just recently. And I am in the same boat.
Although sex is a powerful motivater I do not want a connection with him based on it. That was the mistake I made when I left him after just living with him for 7 years. I wanted a commitment he didn't ...I left.. he hunted me down....AWESOME sex but the wrong message was relayed and I WON"T make that mistake again as difficult as it may be to resist if and when the opportunity presents itself.
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I've been told many times he is not sexually attracted to me. Ouch. I also heard, don't get me wrong, I think you're very attractive and pretty but you know, I don't get, you know....". Before that it was, "I wasn't attracted to you when you were fat". I'm not fat anymore so I guess I took away one of his excuses for contempt.
I will admit this goes deeper than the MLC I think. It is probably because we don't have children...long, long story. But the part that involves the MLC is the cruel way it is said, the way he says it like he's commenting on the weather, so casually, as if it shouldn't hurt or insult. I can imagine if I had ever said that to him, he would have been outraged, insulted beyond repair. But it's his ego that is important, not mine, right?
My least favorite part of the MLC is the casual way the cruelest words are tossed at us, and then the lack of comprehension how crushing it all is.
Bonnie
Ignore, ignore, ignore, detach, detach, detach.
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Just chiming in here with my MLC script. In the beginning I was told that he was: unhappy, felt "used and unappreciated. He said he was "done", didn't want to be with "anybody" (even though he was with OW), said he never wants to get married again. Said we got married too soon after his first divorce.........maybe for him it was too soon. He said that I would be better off without him and perhaps "thank" him one day. He said I needed to let go, move on, find someone else who wouldn't break their promises. He later told me that I was a pretty woman and had a gentle soul. He's commented that it would be difficult for him not to "sleep" with me if given the chance. We have a vacation home which he refuses to "visit" because it's too painful for him (even though he used it with his second OW)...........he wants to get rid of it. He has said we might end up sharing it together sometime in the future but he wasn't sure if he could handle it. He wants to just be friends. His script was no different from anybody else's. They all seem to have some common language just for MLC'ers!
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Bonnie:
Well with the frame of mind I'm in even he EVER said he wasn't sexually attracted to me I would reply
"That goes double for me buddy!!"
and Lovemyman
I got all the same things there's nobody else etc..and there was..
The only thing was I'm his first marriage AND we lived together for 7 years so he can't use any excuses as for it happening too soon!
Idiot...
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IIFTLH,
Yes, my first thought was to say.....never mind. Your words had much more class than what I would have liked to have said. ;)
But as I've been doing for three years (said with gritted teeth), I did not sink to his level but rather told the truth which is that I am attracted to him.
Yes, idiots. Could not agree more.
Bonnie
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Oh, I got to add this also........my xH stated that he "failed" me but he truly tried. I told him that he didn't fail me but our marriage and he failed himself.......as a man. This MLC takes a very good, kind, decent person and turns them into awful terrible people. It's so hard sometimes to view the person they are right now knowing what they were before. It's just sad. Since we are in the NC stage I have no idea what's going on with him and to be honest it's truly better for me.
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LMM,
Re the NC stage - when is it suggested that NC is a good idea (I can't do total NC because of kids, but am attempting dark)?
I mean, I had BD just over 4 mths ago, H moved out 3 mths ago and has been living with OW for just over 2 mths. I don't know what contact type he is (no returns at all and has expressed no desire to return, but maybe it is too early for that) he keeps in touch by email mainly - usually about the kids or finances, and he has come over for finance meetings where he has discussed problems at work and even mentioned that his new "relationship" is not perfect (big surprise). Since going dark on him he does seem to email more (almost every day I get something but, as I say, usually regarding kids/finances). I would love to do NC because seeing him really makes things worse, and now that he has started bringing OW with him for pick up and drop offs I REALLY, REALLY wish I didn't have to see him. (Funny aside, it seems they go everywhere together, no personal space at all). How do you know what contact type you have and how long does it take before you know?
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I'll be a better father because i will be happier and spend quality time with them instead of everyday.
My H said, "We will both be better parents when we separate. You won't be on the forums so much and I won't have to find ways to avoid you."
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My least favorite part of the MLC is the casual way the cruelest words are tossed at us, and then the lack of comprehension how crushing it all is.
So true..... my husband is SO oblivious and insensitive! Although, to hear him describe himself, he's a great guy who's always trying to make me happy and do the right thing by me :o Not sure how the lying and cheating fits in with his opinion of himself... I guess OW has really convinced him he can do no wrong, HAHAHA!
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Holy cow...
Reading these words from all of our spouses....then hearing they all seem to think they are being kind and normal or as I have heard in the past "well, you want me to be honest, right?".....
Is it a stretch to think they are insane? I mean, really, delusional? Crazy?
Makes me wonder if I should have called for the men in the white coats a long time ago.
Bonnie.
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No, it's not a stretch to think they are insane... they are temporarily mentally disabled and that's not a joke. However, it is also a case of UNFETTERED SELF WILL.... the outer child is IN CONTROL and running wild and amok. All the while, hurting their inner, true, child and everyone else around them. They have to figure out the OUTER CHILD must be chained like the Hulk or OUTER CHILD will kill them.
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This is a very true and scarey concept. I found myself able to have some compassion and sympathy towards my xH after I realized that he was truly suffering from this "mental illness". It was truly sad and an eye opener once I discovered what was happening to him. At some point in the early stages of this I said to him, "I understand a little better now about what you did and why". He said, "I don't understand it and I wish I did". He wouldn't look directly at me for the longest time and when he would look at me he refused to take off his sun glasses. He didn't want me to see his eyes. There were other times that I did see his eyes and they were so empty.......so void of anything. He expressed to me several times that he was "dead inside", empty of all feelings. It truly breaks my heart every time I think about it.
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Yup, the few encounters I have had with my H he always wears his sunglasses and when he did take them off big dark circles. I think they try to show us they are happy without us but the eyes are the window to the soul.
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Yep- but that's where they have to get to in order to rebuild themselves.
I have (or had) a niece who is a drill sargent in the air force. Sweetest looking girl you ever saw. She told me that's what happens when someone joins the military. Her job is to break that person down and then rebuild them. It is a very systematic, sometimes humilating, and can be degrading before the rebuild comes.
That is what they are doing to themselves.
It is agonizing to watch and you wish they would just listen to you or somehow you could just hook your brain up to their's to give it a jump start.
I sometimes imagine the scene in the Matrix where Keeanu Reeves is hooked up to the computer that just feeds this information into his brain and he automatically learns Judo, and Karate and how to operate different things.
Wouldn't it be great if we could take these MLCer's somewhere and get thier brain reprogrammed? Think of all the suffering that would be avoided.
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JustKeeping........That is so true........their eyes are the windows to their souls! It was very scarey for me to see that dead and emptiness in his eyes. My xH has beautiful eyes and they looked so evil and satanic! That has been at least 6 months ago. The last time I saw him was back in October and they weren't as bad looking but they still had that "foggy" look to them.
I wish we could reprogram their brains......never thought about it but that would certainly be great! With all the technology we have access to today........you would think.........maybe somebody can work on that idea! ha, ha.
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Here's some things from my W, during the last 2 months.
- Not loved you in 4 years
- You haven't changed
- I have to leave
- I can't survive here
- You'll really like OM, he's a lot like you.
- Kids will be happier when we are apart.
- You never took me out
- You controlled me
- Life is worth living, for me.
- Divorce isn't wrong, it's in the bible (W was a strong christian)
- It's more a Sin to live life unhappy, and in conflict
- I left you, not the kids
- There's a crazy person living in my mind
- We are not compatible.
- I'm not the kind of W that you want.
- You should go and find a W that you will like.
- Maybe we can get back together in a year, when you grow up.
- We will always have an R since we have kids.
- Stop telling people I'm MLC, I'm just being myself.
- I am Done
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I split this thread into 2. It is continued here.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1707.0;all (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1707.0;all)