Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: faithled on January 19, 2012, 07:08:28 AM
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I have not written for many months, but am finding myself reviewing alot of the information written by Rollercoaster lately, and it is making more sense to me as I experience the stages, and read about them during......it has been almost 3 years since bomb drop 1. Bomb drop 2 with alienator was just over 1 year ago. I see H is in reconnection phase, and because he owns a business, I had to hire a lawyer to get to the stage we are now, and finally dealing with a trained mediator to legally separate our finances. My Christian Faith has strengthened tremendously, and after reading more info. here again today, I Do Believe there is hope for reconciliation. Thank you Rollercoaster for starting this website.......I found it when you had recently started it, and the information was truly a gift for myself and my teenage boys. We are still struggling as H still lives with her and it is public and scandalous, but I have taken the road of understanding she is a symptom, and as we go through the legal separation....we have another 2 hour meeting this afternoon, my H is teary, depressed looking......very respectful of my needs and helping with his sons. So those who are Christian.....prayer today is welcome for our family! God Bless all those who are on this forum and giving their precious time and energy to help others!
Faithled
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord; plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11
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Faithled,
Always encouraging to read about reconnections. Yours sounds positive.
I will remember you and your family in my prayers!
TMHP
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Well said Faithled.
We are all indebted to RCR....and of course the others who mentor here...
I hope today's meeting brings positive movement for you both....prayers said for you!
Bon
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Prayers for you and your family. May your husband truly wake up and realize that his family and his Lord or worth so much more than his selfishness.
(((HUGS)))
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Faithled,
Praying that he will be turned from darkness to light...
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faithled,
Your comments are quite interesting.....
You are in the midst of separation and separating finances - yet you can see attempts toward reconnection.
I think many of us who are immersed in the separation/divorce pending stage...see this as an "end" - but, in terms of MLC - it is not. It is merely the MLCer cycling and doing what he/she believes must be done.....as he/she is "finished" with the marriage. It's part of the process. Some never have the energy or strength to move towards this step - while, it appears, many do.
At this time, my H is avowing that he is doing me a "favor" by divorcing me. I deserve so much better. Yes...just part of the script.
Keep posting and letting us know how you are doing. You sound good and strong.
Hugs,
L
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Actually, I, too, see so much as symptoms. I know I've been told that he is rational, that he is trying to do what is right, but his latest spewing e-mail actually told me that no, he is kicking and screaming that he hasn't got his own way.
I am actually surprised at myself that I can see that he is at a point where he feels he has to do this, where he has to tell the children that there is absolutely no hope, that he's never coming home, and all that.
And on top of that blaming me for not making it easier for him -- saying that I've turned the children against him (never had that one before), saying that if he'd had his way he'd already be divorced (so why isn't he?), and so on.
For a while it was actually looking like he had made some firm decisions, but now I see that he is still in the thick of it.
It's oddly calming, or maybe just because it made me so angry that I don't hurt any more. He has so clearly made a financial mess of things, and them blames me for telling them that we don't have a lot of money --says that he gives me more than enough. And so on and so on.
Can you tell I'm still angry? ;D
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Praying for you and your family faithled.
God knows everything that is going on..I was asking another LBSer yesterday, why God couldn't make this less painful for us as I was having a difficult day...and He does..by putting other people in our path to listen and support us, by bringing us to this site..by opening His word to me in a way that I have never experienced before.
As HB has always said, as long as we still love our spouses there is hope...well I see that most of us still continue to love and to forgive..that is what Christ has asked of us.....I do not turn away from that request.
Peace to you this day.
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:'( :'( Well, I am home from the 2 hour mediation. I am numb, but do not feel like calling anyone.....H did not want to get into number crunching until we talk about how things will go with living arrangements with kids, etc. He had tears throughout session again. I am too numb to give alot of details...put praise music on driving home, although tears were flowing. God knows he has to do this. I know I am being vague, just have alot to process and tired of feeling hurt over and over.
faithled
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Prayers are with you- post again when you feel you can-
Hugs and Love
Init
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Every issue discussed, every minute of that mediation would cause you to go into fight and flight mode. This is really hard because you just want them to look at you with real eyes again..and they cannot.
The Lord Hears the Cry of the Poor
(Verse 1)
I will bless the Lord at all times,
His praise ever in my mouth;
Let my soul glory in the Lord,
For He hears the cry of the poor.
(Refrain)
The Lord hears the cry of the poor;
Blessed be the Lord.
The Lord hears the cry of the poor;
Blessed be the Lord.
(Verse 2)
Let the lowly hear and be glad;
The Lord listens to their pleas;
And to hearts broken, God is near,
For He hears the cry of the poor.
(Verse 3)
We proclaim you greatness, O God;
Your praise ever in our mouth;
Ev'ry face brightened in your light;
For you hear the cry of the poor.
Try and get some rest. (((HUGS))))
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Thank you XYZF and everyone else who replied. I woke up with a really bad tension headache. H wrote e-mail that he felt overwhelmed too....too much talk about emotions, as we have had 3, 2 hour sessions to do that now, which has been huge, but enough. H wrote e-mail to me today to say he felt same way, and then wrote, Care about you which he has written twice before.
At the first session, I finally had a chance to tell him how much he hurt me 2 1/2 years ago, and he did apologize and I told him I forgave him.
He spent Chrismas Day with myself and the boys. We are getting along, he looks depressed, never smiles, and is still with OW.
So, because I am 99% sure this is MLC.......here is my question to those with experience: mediator wants H and I to commit to go for coffee and discuss how we want to move ahead with the boys.......they are pitted in here to where they grew up; friends are here, etc. H wants to come over more.....not just when I am here....wants to come when I work eves and be here with the boys, help out with housework, etc. Now, any other situation, my boundaries would say "no"....I do not want to let him have his cake and eat it too, but expecting the boys to go there for weekends, etc. with her and her 2 sons there.....I do not like it. What should I allow, and what is best?
I am off to work, and will be meeting my H next Tues. to discuss, and then meet with mediator Thurs.......but we will both tell her we want to talk division of assets and $ etc, and care of the boys.....they are 15,17 and 19.
Thanks, and God Bless
Faithled
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Faithled,
My understanding about cake-eating is that it isn't necessarily cake-eating if they aren't trying to be your spouse. In my case my H does come here, as the kids don't want to go to his, particularly not if OW is going to be around. I allow it, as it is better for the kids. I've also been told that they need to have some cake so that they see they like it. But not sure if that applies here.
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Faithled - we have boys 14, 16 and 17. I'm 24 mths post BD.
I have always let my H come here to see the boys. He is more like the fourth teenager, and doesn't exactly parent.
The advice I received from RCR, because of all of this paving the way, it is time to stop allowing the lifestyle.
I am trying to go very dark on him now, but it isn't easy with the kids.
My kids too don't like to go to his place, as he is now trying to foist the OW onto them. They refuse. It's a bit of a stalemate.
My H has always been clingy. He is less so in the past few weeks, but then seems to panic and wants contact.
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Faithled,
First of all, prayers for you. I am sure this a such a difficult time for you. God is with you and knows every tear you cry.
Although my younger children are 11, I have always had nothing but an amicable situation with H and their schedules. They split their time between us pretty close to 50/50. I have always been accommodating towards H's scheduling needs and he has done the same. It has really decreased the tension between us. However, there is no OW in my situation (at least not one that has been revealed). If my kids were going to a home with H and OW, I think I would feel completely different.
Either way, it is whatever YOU feel comfortable with. Your boys are older and likely have their own opinions on the matter. What do they think?