Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: willitgetbetter on January 27, 2012, 05:41:38 PM
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Hi Everyone. Wondering if anyone has had the experience of their MLCer having a grossly extreme amount of phone contact with the OW/OM. Mine had about 150 calls, 250 texts and 2500 minutes per month with OW on the phone. Has denied EA and PA. Also met with her a few times, taking her to see his mom and other family members without my knowledge. Was def a EA and can't imagine that it wasn't also a PA. Its not like she lives out of state. Conversing this much, do you think this is being "in love" or more like an addiction? I know people talk with their OM/OW, but this amount is abnormal, don't you think?
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Sounds like infatuation.
250 texts is fewer than 10 a day--that's not a lot. I have teen-aged boys, and 10 texts a day is nothing. 2500 minutes is a couple hours total per day....they're probably saying schmoopie things to each other.
I guess infatuation at this stage is like an addiction--it gives these guys a chemical high--on neurotransmitters.
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Willitgetbetter..
Please read the article section of this forum. Also, read some other threads and you will see that MLCers LOVE TO TEXT AND TALK ON THE PHONE!!! Prior to BD, we didn't even know what texting was!! Texting is a form of shallow communication... it is a BARRIER to intimacy... but very effective for communicating INFO to someone else.... TEENAGERS love to text constantly about nothing... the same way teenage girls in my day would be on the phone for HOURS!!!
All of a sudden, MLCers LOVE to talk on the phone.... in my husband's case.... he NEVER likes to be on the phone!! BUT, with OW, he LOVED being in constant contact.... his original ATT plan was for a few hundred texts plus several hours of talk time per month... way more than was needed... BUT, he changed his plan at BD to include 1200 minutes and unlimited texting.... :o :o :o :o I can't even IMAGINE being on the phone with my best friend for that amount of time!! REALLY!!! OW is the one who initiates all of the contact... she is immature and insecure... but all of the texting and such keeps the MLCer VERY busy and occupied and distracted from themselves... so they embrace it.
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I didn't know this was a described behavior of MLC, but, true to script, I guess, H did text his OW a LOT. I think he also IM'ed her via Facebook, and talked to her on the phone, probably Skyped her from his work computer or maybe his home computer.
(Pardon me while I retch...)
I found his secret texting phone in his truck just before he moved out and took it and read all the texts--at least the ones he sent HER. I just shook like a leaf reading those. I was SO raw with hurt!
Interesting...
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Only 250? Wow he's tame. Dearheart is down to 250 a month after two years and he doesn't answer all her texts so..
Yep it's normal
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They are so obsessed with their phones they hide in cupboards and toilets to enable their addiction to continue. Some very bizarre behaviour with a phone just before and after BD ::)
Also they never leave it unattended as they are very attached to them :-\
xx
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Yep, my H used his phone like a third arm.....after BD - he NEVER left his phone unguarded and that is not too strong a word.... unguarded.....he had to protect his phone almost like it was an extension of OW if that makes sense... I foolishly took his phone off him one day and he literally fought with me to get it back......so much so he pushed me hard against the bathroom wall to "take his phone back" hurting me physically mattered nothing to him, he HAD to get his phone off me.....very sad..... :(
The only time he ever switched his phone off and left it unattended for me to listen to OW's sinister phone messages and read OW and her daughter's texts!!! was during his "touch and go" last Easter.... why? don't know? but it wasn't long before Monster rose again and he changed his PIN number to access his phone....so back into guarding mode.... He refused time after time after time to show me who was texting him...even though he was supposed to have ended with OW and "making a go with me"....the addiction of the phone was too strong... H was actually having an "affair" with his phone....it was all part of the exciting and intense behaviour of deceiving me..unfortunately our modern age makes it so very easy.
So nothing I read about texts, phones etc surprises me.....H must be missing the drama of the "phone"!!! that's all I can say - as he doesn't have to protect it any more.....or does he? who knows..... I yearn sometimes for the happy days we both left our phones lying around and he would quite happily read his texts out....without me even caring who it was......
Love and hugs
Foxy xxxx
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Foxberry... I like your description of the phone obsession so well, I think you could write a script and sell it to Hollywood..... "The PHONE!!" ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
I hope my husband doesn't ever get a secret phone.... the non-secret one is bad enough, though the texting between him and OW doesn't happen in front of me (God spared me that one cuz he knew one of us would be going to jail, LOL!!). But.... his phone hasn't been left out in plain sight for two years!! He leaves it locked in his truck at night. If I really wanted to see it, I would just wait 'til he's really asleep, take his keys and go get it. Who wants to see that garbage? Well, I DO, I admit... but only when it's OTHER people's husband/OW text messages. YUCK!
I suspect the texting is way down, though...... he has told me he "never" answers OW's texts..... interpreted, that means answers when he feels like it. ;)
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LG, what an absolutely fab idea!!!!! You can see the interview now can't you.. So tell me Foxberry what made you write a script about a man who has an obsession with "The Phone"....
Well you see, it all started a long long time ago in a more peaceful, kinder time when phones were inanimate objects and before they actually became part of the human body!!!!! and became a means to destroying your marriage...you think I'm joking? Well listen to a story all about a man in MLC........
Lots of laughs ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
Love and hugs
Foxy xxxx
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Well you made me dig up my files and my wife was close to 250 for a 8 hour work shift with the same person, She is a dispatcher for a company that is rather busy all day long. This happens to be her ex h and she has said it was all innocent just catching up. of course there is a lot more than this, this was my discovery day of all was not right.
I will say that I text but only out of need and to reply but I would not feel right if I was texting to the opposite sex and the same person 250 in one month, If I were I would say that something is definitely going on. Hfb
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Hi everyone. Thanks for responding. Happy to hear this is normal. Love the line "they hide it in toilets"!!! Because he takes his to the bathroom when he goes. He also sleeps with it next to him face down, like he's waiting for an IV drug hit. Before 6 months ago, he left it laying around, hardly used it, no password. Guess conversation turned more serious after BD and he couldn't keep up with deleting the texts so he locked it. Since they really only communicate by phone, he may be more addicted to the instant text/call fix more than her as the person. After he leaves and he doesn't have to secret his phone, maybe her in person conversations won't be so exciting. She'll prob be mad if she sees that he still has his password on his phone once they can be together full time. Because right now she figures that password is just for me. Will then think he's hiding something from HER.
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Hah!
I'm addicted to this website and all the messages here!
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Actually... I see "The PHONE!!!" as a Horror film.... 8) Every time it rings, you scream, hahahahahaha!!
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Hope there are going to be some bit parts for us LBSs in this film!
My ex never used to take his mobile phone with him. Now it is definitely a permanent fixture and OW is texting all the time. She also emails him at work all day and apparently hardly waits until he is out of the door in the morning before sending her first email! (I just happened to see the other day at work that he had had an email from her just after he arrived.) Sounds like teenagers to me!
C
xx
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The Phone..My H still has our family plan phone...He only calls me or the haircutting place or his Mom or work..He had another phone for his old job that you buy pre paid minutes on but he only uses that sparingly..I don't think he keeps in touch with Bowser a lot when she's at work. She has to ask permission to go for a break and they time it :o :o :o :o :o :o LOL Not once did I see her number on our phone bill. See? LG, cheater's etiquette again! LOL...Me? He texted 40 times last Friday........Oh I wish ow saw that......Schmooopie my a**...... ::)
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10,000 plus text messages from my H each month...Dont know the calls..yep, teenager behaviour to a T!
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Apparently exH and his new wife have some phone app that lets them GPS track eachother at all times--isn't that sweet? Even my kids think it's creepy, I guess they both check it frequently... Love is so beautiful, and could never be mistaken for lack of trust, right...
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Lisa and they can leave the phone somewhere and be somewhere else :o :o :o :o :o Remember they're in an R with someone who has a history of cheating!!! :P
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Oh Honey...I found out about OW when I saw the phone bill was quite a bit higher than usual and just went into it to see if I could tell which of us was using so many minutes. I find the strange number at odd hours and called it...SURPRISE to me...a female and I just knew that it was not business-related. Don't remember how many minutes, but it was enough. Prepare to be shocked with the number of texts between the two of them though...
...during a six-week period, they sent over 2,000 texts!!! This was in addition to emails and phone conversations. I know H was talking to her on his office phone too so don't really know HOW much they talked. But I don't know how he didn't text his flippin' fingers off with so many texts. It's an addiction and they just have to feed it constantly.
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10,000 plus text messages from my H each month...Dont know the calls..yep, teenager behaviour to a T!
Wow, Synicca. 10,000 texts a month, that is soooo severe of an addiction. OMG. Can't believe he was able to wake up and come back home being that addicted. That is amazing. Does he realize it was that many? Now that he is out of or coming out of the tunnel, he must be floored. Would you mind sharing a bit about his awakening? I don't have much hope for mine based on his contact and fact that she is an ex who 2 of his family members like.
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Willitgetbetter..... just for the record.... Syn's husband is not nearing the end of the tunnel... he is still deep into Replay.
I believe she has an early returner like mine. They have a partial awakening, lived with OW and found out they LOATHE each other... but can't let it go.. it's their addiction and their crutch. Until they no longer "need" the OW "R", it will continue. Syn's husband has DEEP issues he runs from.. so does mine. You see that when they had a prior addiction... shows they've been self medicating for years over SOMETHING. No guarantee they will EVER face it. :-\
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Wow. Shows how new I am to this. I must say I am without hope that mine will snap out of it and I don't know that I could wait for years for it to happen or even trust him if he came back. Mine medicates with cigarettes, before we met it was alcohol. Tried to point out to him that he wasn't happy before he met me, so why should he think he's unhappy because of me. So hard to detach with his acts of affection at the same time. He kissed me on the cheek tonight before he left to go stay overnight at a male friend's house. Thinking he's prob picking OW up first since his friend has a girlfriend too. Hate all this, hoping I will heal faster once he is gone from our home for good.
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I'm healing faster with my H out of the house and pretty much out of the picture at all except for his infrequent interactions with the kids. I'm not healed entirely, but the constant hurt of having him and the influence of OW around was more than I could bear. Took a while to get settled even after he left, but I'm feeling a lot more secure.
I don't know how women do it when he's right there in front of you, then skipping off to go see OW. I just cannot fathom the pain.
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Cali I have to say that after 11 mos of this it does get easier. Him running back to ows house is easier bc I can SEE it's NOT REAL. I can see he's NOT HAPPY there. I can SEE it is eactly what RCR describes in the articles. I feel bad for him in a strange way. Knowing that he's struggling with this whole ball of wax and that he created it! A mess. it'll be OK. Lucky for me my mlcer is polite and caring. Now. 6 mos ago I would beg to differ. He was more oblivious! :P
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Cali I have to say that after 11 mos of this it does get easier. Him running back to ows house is easier bc I can SEE it's NOT REAL. I can see he's NOT HAPPY there. I can SEE it is eactly what RCR describes in the articles. I feel bad for him in a strange way. Knowing that he's struggling with this whole ball of wax and that he created it! A mess. it'll be OK. Lucky for me my mlcer is polite and caring. Now. 6 mos ago I would beg to differ. He was more oblivious! :P
Hi Mamma Bear,
Mine was consistent Monster before. Now he is consistently nice and caring too. Do you know why or how they are able to be this way if they are supposedly in turmoil? I take it as his relationship with OW must be getting better if he is walking around smiling vs. If its Monster maybe they are fighting. I am in such pain and my pain just gets worse when he is being nice to me and affectionate. I feel like he's actually happy and could care less about our divorce. I have a long post on our history regarding this. I want to see some pain on his part, acknowledgment, not Mary Poppins. :(
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Prior thread
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2077.0
At end of thread, I posted answers to questions from RCR which have made me second guess my decision to divorce, maybe separation would have been softer approach and gesture of leaving a cracked door open, but given the amount of phone contact and his cockiness about refusing to break contact, I thought there was no hope, so I filed. If you want to comment on my issue, see RCR's quotes and my responses, are last in the post. I would appreciate any input on any of them. I am struggling daily. Hugs!!!
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WillitgetBetter, YES IT WILL GET BETTER...Mine was gone a whole 2 miles across town for what seemed like forever. Then he would just run in and out of our lives without really having a personality except scared......Give it time...can you rescind the divorce paperwork ??? I kind of act around my H like he's still m H (teenaged brain) who cheated ran and took some furniture. I act like I know a secret. ::) The mos flew by and now 11 mos post BD festivities he doesn't ask for Ds to be aound ow ever. ;D(they met her once to go ice skating and found out her whole life story. It's bad) He acts like he's gonna ask me to go to the prom. ::) A few times I sent a card etc that said things like "I know you are going thru something and I know you can get through it. I trust you can. I love you unconditionally but I'm not sure that you know what that means." Give space...smile and be the best you and do new things. Do things you want to do and never had time. He'll be watching. It' true what StillStanding and others have said "OW symptom. She'll be her own undoing. He'll realize it ..in time." I can not believe the difference in my H one year since BD> Totally different. The duct tape over my mouth so I could just listen has been my best 180. Keep reading the articles. Especially the Self Focus Articles...unconditionals.....we need to practice like we play ;D
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I didn't know this was a described behavior of MLC, but, true to script, I guess, H did text his OW a LOT. I think he also IM'ed her via Facebook, and talked to her on the phone, probably Skyped her from his work computer or maybe his home computer.
(Pardon me while I retch...)
I found his secret texting phone in his truck just before he moved out and took it and read all the texts--at least the ones he sent HER. I just shook like a leaf reading those. I was SO raw with hurt!
Interesting...
OMG. I'm sure you were. I have info that I could read but from what I've heard it will break my heart and make healing even harder. I can't imagine any more pressure on top of what I'm feeling. So I haven't looked. Mine snatched his phone back from me when I confronted him about the affair.
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Will itgetbetter....
First, LG is right, my H is still in Replay..his texting is still very HIGH! Its is way of comunicating to EVERYONE right now...not just OW..I tell him when he says "so and so hasnt texted me back" I say" Why dont you CALL, instead of text, not EVERYONE uses this form of comunication like you do" :)
My H has ALOT of issues...deep seeded issues that go WAY back and he isnt ready to FACE them yet.
but like everyone says here....IT DOES get better....then it gets WORSE...then better again! Just be prepared for ANYTHING!
:) You will get there, I promise!
((hugs))
Syn
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My H is always on his phone, texting, IM'ing and posting. He's got it password protected but sometimes I'll notice he is even deleting the messages right after he sends the reply.
This bothers me a great deal.
The old me (the one who didn't know about MLC) would have already gone onto his acct and checked what numbers keep coming up, and then I would have matched up number to name/address, so on. The new me just logs on to his acct once a month and pays his bill. I've learned even if he has an OW she is nobody, so I don't need to know about her.
Of course there is a possibility I'll give in and snoop, and then be back on here crying. :'(