Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: for_me on January 31, 2012, 10:57:02 AM
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Hi All,
Sorry if this has been discussed here, but I was wondering if your MLCer never seems healthy? For the last year or so (BD on 11/05/2011), my MLCer is always complaining of illness. Headaches, colds, sleep deprivation, sinus infections, etc.
I haven't seen my MLCer except for a few days since BD, but when we do talk it seems like the frequcency, duration, and symptoms have all increased. Yesterday he complained of heart palpitations. On the one hand I want to encourage him to see a doc, on the other I'm trying not to be a fixer. It's hard.
Either way, does this extreme frequency of illness seem to be a common thread amongst your MLCers?
Thanks,
For_me
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I have the same thing. Thinks he's pulled a shoulder muscle this has been going on for weeks! But won't call the DR.
Headaches, can't sleep from time to time, then sometimes complains he sleeps too much sometimes. Restless leg syndrome. Sometimes he's too hot; then too cold.
I think it's a combination of the depression and a touch of wanting attention.
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Yes, some is physically real as in when he was in replay and working out like a maniac.
Other things are stress related, lack of sleep and so forth.
Other things are just complaints I think...but yes, to answer your question, several years now of this hurts and that hurts and I feel like....
Bon
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FOR- ME, Oh yeah. My H could've been hypochondriac of the year pre BD. I'm the type where my arm could fall off and I'd keep going. Made it especially more troubling. And my mouth running towards him "Oh stop being such a baby" :o :o ::) Not good. Depression and selfishness me ,me ,me ,me! ::)
That, plus replay doesn't lend itself towards 'taking good care' of oneself. Whoring around, not sleeping, drinking, possible drugs, stress.....did I mention STRESS! :'(
Mine always got sinus infections.... He would be jealous that I never got sick. Like it was my turn and since I didn't get sick then I got away with something :o :o :o :o Teenagers. " My back hurts, my hip hurts, my leg cramps hurt.... " It didn't stop until he ran away and then I guess OW got to listen to that.... ::)
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Mine had a heart attack--it was my fault, he said because of all the stress I had him under making these big decisions, like whether to move to be with OW... Changing one's life comes at some cost...
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Yes definitely!
Always unwell, stressed out, gastric upsets, anxiety and panic attacks.
Seems to be part of the outward manifestation of the crisis.
Stayed said somewhere that her H developed Jowls during his crisis, which have since disappeared.
It's a weird, weird old thing ................
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If I'm not mistaken, it seems to me that I read something in reference to MLC and illnesses (aches/pains).......it's part of the process. When I think back, my MLC'er hurt his knee the year prior to BD and it took an awful long time to heal. He complained about a "mystery" pain in his arm as well. Since BD (past two years) he's had ear infections (tubes put in), stomach issues, headaches and such. He also suffered from night sweats, restless leg syndrome, etc. prior to BD. This all seems typical with the MLC'er.
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oh yes! Same here...cant sleep...or sleeps to much, aches and pains everywhere! headaches, migraines, heartburn...He is now taking prilosec OTC..was taking to many TUMS! :)
muscle aches...you name it...and H is a BIG BABY! Hey Mamma, I did the same kinda thing...I would tell him"stop being a baby!" sheesh!
I hated when he would complain like he was going to die if he scraped HIS KNEE! argh! I have a HIGH tolerance for pain...so I got irritated when he complained....:) Now, I just say "oh sorry"
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Yes all the time is either sick or something hurts. It's funny reading this as how many people there are.
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Yes mine too my h had been to the doctors a lot of times for things that only seemed to be in his mind to be honest. First time he left, he had this thing he had to blow into as had been getting breathless, I even thought it might have been the bed he was allergic too as we had just changed the mattress. Mil mentioned not long ago that he had been to doctors after feeling dizzy getting in and out of the car. Other little things too.
Sorry to hijack but has anyone else noticed other people close to thier h also seeming to be having a mlc I was also starting to think it might be viral (please dont laugh at this) I really am serious. I have noticed four people that husband has contact with showing symtoms three have left home and one who is younger and not married is off work and on anxiety/anti depressant meds.
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Crazyjourney,
I have also "seen" a lot more of what seems to be MLC.......perhaps it's sort of like that new/type of vehicle thing.........ever notice when you get a new vehicle you see them every where as to before you just didn't notice? Right after BD and the discovery of MLC I found out about 4 other marriages having very similar problems as mine. Maybe this is an epidemic!
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i echo what lovemyman says. but also got to mention that i think one of my good friends of 25 years is having a mlc crisis. she has really withdrawn and backed of from me. i dont see her often now. very sad as she was great with me at bd. truly the best. funny enough she txt me this week and said she missed me. i txt back for her to meet up with me and hope she does. also i think someone close to me in my family is def mlc. im seeing this from all angles and got to say its mind boggling but im taking it all in.
hubby at bd was very poorly. this went from a man who never took sick from work. i also pick up from son that dad does lots of exercise and works out.
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I heard from the children that my h is now going to the gym. H NEVER went to the gym before. I think exercising relieves stress and increases the endorphins. To help lift the depression perhaps?
Is it just me? I am stressed out too. I try not to show it to the children, but my hair is falling out. My hairbrush is full of hair each morning. My back aches and there are nights when I have to take a sleep aid. It reminds of the time we learned a neighbor down the street husband left her for another woman. She went from being a vibrant, stylish woman to a gray haired woman in a few years. Now I am wondering if her h was having a mlc too.
Yah, he married the younger woman as soon as the divorce was finalized.
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My hairdresser told me to take sea kelp for my hair, tablet form from a health food shop, she said any stress would take it out of my hair, I can recommend it, seems to be good.
On the mlc being catching the people I suspect could have it too are actually people my h had, had closer contact with. One guy he used to have a drink with in our local after work left his wife three month after my h, his wife told me he keeps calling to see her etc. Another went on golf holiday with h just after he left, that guy went home and left his wife two weeks after he returned from the holiday, h said to mil suppose I will get the blame for that. I have seen both of theses men and their eyes look dead like my h. The younger one is a relative and he had been screaming out at his mam saying she didnt understand and that she didnt know what it was like but couldnt explain what was wrong with him he is on the sick and on meds but going back to work soon so maybe not relavent I dont know. Oh and the one that went on the holiday with h had been looking out for him and talking to him whilst away as h had just left me and everyone was a bit worried about him also no ow had emerged at that point.
I know this all sounds a bit crazy but lets be honest this whole thing is crazy and at this stage nobody has identified all the ways it happens for sure, it is all speculation. Ha and now I have just put myself forward as living up to my name on here!
Never mind I think any little thing is worth a mention if someday it helps.
I think a lot of them do the gym thing, got a feeling they want to make themselves fitter with younger bodies, somebody forgot to tell them they will still keep getting older even if they are a bit fitter. Mine went gym possesed.
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For the last two years my H has had constant stomach upsets. Not to mention migraines and 'man flu'. He is now apparently intolerant to a lot of his favourite foods I used to cook, and they no longer 'agree with him'. He has aged a good few years and looks ill most of the time.
He also complains of being constantly tired and just wanting to sleep, yet refuses to have a night off from socialising to do so.
He will probably keep on running until he collapses.
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I only see H to exchange D2 and we have very little communication, but he looks awful. For the first 6 months after he left he had a really bad case of seborrheic dermatitis on his face over his nose, cheeks and forehead. A lot of people mentioned it to me as well. He thought he was allergic to something he was eating. He's also had a lot of colds and currently is on antibiotics for "low grade pneumonia". He got in a very minor fender bender (he was rearended) a few months before he left and he was fine...it barely left a mark on the car. I started getting all of these bills at the house for a chiropractor. He mentioned to me once that he is going to have to sue the guy that hit him because his back will be messed up forever now and it affects his work. He's only 35 so I was really surprised by this. I know there are bad cases of whiplash but he was in traffic that was almost stopped and the guy barely hit him. He told me all about it when it happened. Just weird...
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My H has been sick since he left and that is not an exaggeration. He either has a cold, sinus infection, chest infection and his latest illness is an ear infection. :o :o He also was diagnosed back in August with COPD. That was a shocker because he doesn't smoke and it doesn't run in his family. He no sooner gets over an illness and two weeks later he has something else. And I also believe he has an infection of his brain, LOL! There is definitely something wrong there. :o ??? ::) :P :'(
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but has anyone else noticed other people close to thier h also seeming to be having a mlc I was also starting to think it might be viral (please dont laugh at this) I really am serious. I have noticed four people that husband has contact with showing symtoms three have left home and one who is younger and not married is off work and on anxiety/anti depressant meds.
Par for the course and I agree with many on this thread...stress of what they are doing and the guilt is a major cause. Prior to and just after BD, wifey would have said she never felt more alive. Soon thereafter with the running and partying, it started to affect her. Back and neck issues creeped in along with loss of hair and more loss of eyesight. She was pretty regular with her periods and soon came pretty dramatically shorter cycles coupled with heavy bouts of diarrhea (sorry to be so descriptive). She was rarely and only drinking protein shakes (not mentioning the very nutritional alcoholic beverages).
MLCers get all "weirded out" when the LBS starts dropping the weight. Albeit that we do it under the stress too, but mostly to get our minds off of the alien. Exercise is a wonderful way to work out the issues at hand, speak to a higher power, etc. Under an especially bad time, I enjoyed walking and talking with God and it helped me out immensely.
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I haven't seen or heard from my MLCer in fourteen months so I have no idea whether she is well or unwell. Vanished.
honour
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My H has been ill frequently since BD, which is years now; having said that, at first I was ill some as well -- I know it was the stress allowing me to succumb to whatever was going round. But I haven't been ill in absolutely ages now, not even a cold.
H has been ill frequently, and lots of lower-level stuff, such as colds he can't shake, etc. He has cycled between looking absolutely awful and not bad at all; perhaps to do with how often he goes on holiday.
He does frequently refer to how much pressure he feels under, and yes, the guilt he feels (or says he has felt).
Regarding the contact with others; what I've noticed is that my H, rather than influencing others in that direction, is choosing to spend his time with others who are separated/divorced/single and childless rather than with our old friends who have families.
I think many of these preceeded H's MLC; he's just changed his social circle as far as I can see.
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My sister who's H left and came home a few years back has a great view down the block of her neighborhood. She can look out her suburban kitchen window and see all her neighbors outside in their driveways and yards ::)
She said since her Hs MLC she can pick out the Hs who are having one just by looking out her window. The depression, the wardrobe changes , how they look at a woman running by etc ??? ??? new corvettes and motorcycles and boats :P
She said "Oh yeah I can tell when they are prime candidates for MLC" :o :o :o :o :o :o She could be like a smoke detector.....she should warn the spouses what's coming :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
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When I met H he already had crohnes and diabetes. Hi diabetes did improve and he is now on tablets. Hi crohnes is under controlm with a daily 'inner health' tablet. He was on other drugs for it when I met him which supressed his immune system. He got sick all the time.
He also had other bouts of illness at stressful times and I was left carrying the load of the stress which was for both of us, plus looking after the family and he wanted me to 'pamper' him because he was ill. I did feel compassion but simply could not be at his beck and call while he watched video's in bed and I had 3 small kids to look after.
Since he's been at his latest job I noticed he wasn't sick any where near as much. There's plenty of women there ::). What got me most was he was 'too sick' to go to work and as he was self employed, that simply meant NO money. But then in the evening he would insist he need to go practice with his band as 'they depended on him' >:( Like we didn't????
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Mamma Bear,
I asked my h about a colleague of his before h's BD. The colleague looked like he had vacant eyes and was barreling down the hallway at work. Mostly though I saw these "weird, vacant eyes" just staring ahead. The man looked like it was in a trance moving forward. I said to h, "what's up with him". H said "what, I don't know." Later learned that this colleague left his wife. Perhaps another mlc man.
Now that we know what those eyes look like. An empty view into an escaping soul....
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I have seen my H a few times since BD and also spoken on the phone several times. Whenever I saw him he looked and sounded unwell - full of the cold etc. Last time we spoke a couple of weeks ago he had a hacking cough that he said he can't shift since before Christmas. I am sure it is stress that is the cause. All self inflicted of course ::)
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My MLC'er is always, always exhausted. He is often down with a cold and has gained weight.
He's about as much fun as a bag of wet popcorn.
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So once again on this subject, as it happened again. Whenever wifey gets stressed and runs, she starts her cycle again...coupled with diarrhea. She had just finished her cycle only a few days prior and now started again...she ALWAYS tells me...she is so weird with her gory details on stuff. Really has never bothered me but it is like dealing with a 12yr old boy fascinated with his own biological processes. Silly stuff.
So this time I took it quite funny that as she has thrown the "I am going back to hometown" on me not more than 12 hours prior to leaving, she starts up again on her cycle. Hmm, maybe the Lord above is trying to tell you something sweetheart. Are you listening. In fact her cycles are usually regular like rain. It is when the stress levels start to surmount (and maybe some guilt, shame, who knows) that she gets out of whack. I am thinking a bit of peri also but who knows. Her PMS/PMDD is hella worse in the past 3 years than it ever has been in the coming up 16yr of marriage. I really don't remember it as much in the first 5yr of our marriage...maybe the dopamine kept it under bay during the honeymoon period but now the ocytocin is really smacking her around.
I especially giggle inside when she mentions that she looks in the mirror and sees her mother. Thank God I don't see her mother in her other than her demeanor and actions. Just like her mother...down to the MLC.
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I am thinking a bit of peri also but who knows.
My W hit menopause in 2009 at 46-47 years old. Well before she reached her 48 birthday she was commiting adultery and had turned into someone whose behaviour that me and the children didn't recognise. Is there a link?
honour
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Mine was the same as JD's. Each time I saw him he was exausted, often had colds, flu type symptoms and frequent coughs. He very rarely suffered when we were together. He's also gained weight.
He has tummy problems - hearnia and piles - and these always flair up when he's stressed, upset etc.
He also ploughs himself into his work. He admitted to me a long time ago that when things were going wrong in this life, he would put everything into his work, that way it didn't have to think about it. You ignore it and it comes out in other ways.
But I guess now that he's all love-up and happy with Ms Welsh, these symptoms would have disappeared.
SKxxx
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The other thing I that was very apparent with ex - he lost all interest in football. He'd always watch his team, meet up with friends when the game was on TV. That all went, didn't know the scores, how they were doing etc., and shows no interest.
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My H is the same SK stopped watching his beloved team,does not talk to the boys about football,they all have arsenal membership but he has not taken them to one game this season.........H sold his golf clubs and now plays squash once a month,it used to be weekly
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My ex is Chelsea fan, has been since he was a boy. He use to play squash weekly, but doesn't play anymore. Still plays a lot of golf. I guess the things that really enjoyed no longer brings them pleasure.
SKxxx
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Yeah...my H's golf clubs have been in the garage over a year since he moved out and he hasn't asked for them once. He used to love to golf. OW probably doesn't enjoy it, but I'm sure she's enjoying the new boat and sportscar that she drives all the time. ::)
I agree that they do respond weird to the LBS weight loss. D2 was 18 mos old when he left so I still had some baby weight to lose. It literally fell off after he left and I started going to the gym which added to it. I had to buy all new clothes because I got down to high school weight. Anyway...H asked me once how I got so skinny, "are you doing meth or something?" Wow... :o
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3 or 4 sets of golf clubs are sitting in the garage 31 months later....he recently seems to have rediscovered a bit of interest in football.....
We have quite a wonderful wine collection that I am slowly making my way through..it was his hobby...as was collecting single malt scotch..guess he can't really transport those things with him. Too bad I don't like scotch.
I on the other hand have discovered golf and during the season am playing 2-3 times a week...can't wait until spring!
Everything he used to like..he has walked away from..and I don't see his new life being so wonderful at all. But that's understandable really...his decision making skills seem a bit off these days :)
It truly is crazy what happens to them as they struggle with this fantastic new life that they are creating....just wish it didn't knock us down so much...yet, we all are capable of getting back up on our feet...battered and bruised yes.....but functioning, growing. learning, expanding and being filled with wonder again....it just took me longer than some to see those "possibilities" and I need to make sure that I am grounded again in myself..and that's going to take some time as well...and then..watch out world!
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SK you are right the things that bought them pleasure no longer do my H would charge in from work,get changed and leave again within 5 minutes so he did not miss squash.
Newmamacrushed the weight loss thing is weird,I lost 35lbs after BD my H told my friend it didn't matter how ill I made myself he was never coming back,obviously I was doing it on purpose :o
xyzcf like you I don't see my H having a wonderful new life,he has left behind everything he has loved for 24 years to live in a room at his brothers,the only people he has anything to do with is his M and B,in 24 years they never bothered about him,showed no interest in his life or kids and now they are far more important than me and his own kids,he has even chosen his M over his kids on occasion :(
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I don't know how I overlooked this thread, but I did. My H always has a cold, he hurt his back over the holidays, and before Xmas he ended up in the ER from dehydration working out at the gym. He also says he never sleeps anymore. Ummm, do you think the guilt of abandoning your family has anything to do with it? :o :o :o :o :o
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I think my H has sleep issues given that he checks our bank account at 1am and makes calls and texts at midnight,1am,4am,funny I thought he would be sleeping like a baby given that he has run off to a wonderful,happy new life :o
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My ex also suffered from major sleep issues prior to BD and after he moved out. He would sleep at odd hours of the day but unable to sleep at night. He tried exercising but that didn't work. He also had serious night sweats prior to BD. It's odd looking back two years ago.....I didn't realize how all these little details and signs add up. As they say, Hindsight. We sure have learned so much on this forum. I sometimes wonder how many marriages are destroyed because of MLC and could have been saved. Just so sad.