Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Mermaid on February 23, 2012, 02:43:16 AM
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I'm posting this to create a discussion about a subject which is on a number of threads, but not all in one place. Not all people with MLC have a personality disorder, and not all people with personality disorders (PD) have a MLC. But there seem to be some people who have a severe or mild PD which comes to a head in midlife. I feel that it is important to face who our spouse is in order to come to terms with how to deal with them during and beyond MLC.
I realise that (a) most of us are not psychologists, and are only guessing, based on tests/ descriptions, and (b) individuals may have more than one PD, but I assume that one is dominant.
RCR has already discussed personality disorders: http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_personality-disorder.html (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_personality-disorder.html) and personality disorders in a relationship http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_personality-disorder_in-relationship.html (http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_personality-disorder_in-relationship.html)
You can look at a PD test on http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv (http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality_disorder_test.mv).
Here is a brief descriptive list (obviously this is a simplification).
Cluster A (odd or eccentric disorders)
1. Paranoid personality disorder (paranoia and a pervasive, long-standing suspiciousness and generalized mistrust of others)
2. Schizotypal personality disorder (a need for social isolation, anxiety in social situations, odd behavior and thinking, and often unconventional beliefs.)
3. Schizoid personality disorder (a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, narcissism, emotional coldness, and sometimes (sexual) apathy)
Cluster B (dramatic, emotional or erratic disorders)
4. Antisocial personality disorder (no regard for right and wrong. They may often violate the law and the rights of others, landing in frequent trouble or conflict. They may lie, behave violently, and have drug and alcohol problems)
5. Histrionic personality disorder (a pattern of excessive emotionality and attention-seeking, including an excessive need for approval and inappropriately seductive behavior)
6. Narcissistic personality disorder (an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. )
7. Borderline personality disorder (a prolonged disturbance of personality function, characterized by depth and variability of moods)
Cluster C (anxious or fearful disorders)
8. Avoidant personality disorder (social inhibition, feelings of inadequacy, extreme sensitivity to negative evaluation, and avoidance of social interaction.)
9. Dependent personality disorder (a pervasive psychological dependence on other people)
10. Obsessive–compulsive personality disorder (pervasive pattern of preoccupation with orderliness, perfectionism, and mental and interpersonal control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficiency)
11. None (when not in MLC). We have seen that our MLCers become anbormally narcissistic, moody, antisocial, etc, but this is nothing like who they were before MLC.
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Where is the "All of the Above" button?
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Lol doc!!! You've got your hands full!
There is usually one which is dominant, isn't there? (I mean, when not in MLC, when they can suddenly display PD that they have never had before).
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My whacko lovebug has none of the above to a serious degree. Shades of grey. Avoidant Personality Disorder but he doesn't exhibit social inhibition. He can sing and play guitar around the campfire..(old H)
New H who knows after he hid in the basement and ran away I don't know his new personality except through drop offs and pick ups. He doesn't stay in touch with anyone from before BD. Not us not his regular family LOL and not his old friends. Just seems like ow and her group. (her group appears pretty empty)
He's a Clingy Avoidant Confused Fearful Nostalgic Cycler....drinking brown wine... :P
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We must be having the same issue on our mind today , because before I saw your post I asked people on this site to let me know if there spouses had mental issues before MLC. Mine did.
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Where is the "All of the Above" button?
lol
My husband has exhibited all of the disorders at some point! He tries them on for size I suppose! Prior to BD, he did tend to have some depressive episodes. He would brood and come up blaming others for his unhappiness. Not healthy, but not extreme either. Now, for the most part, he strives to maintain his self-delusions, MLC style.
For the record, his mother has extreme issues and is nuts. Not sure if she is NPD or Borderline. Also 2 of my children have been diagnosed Anxiety/Depressive disordered.
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My whacko lovebug has none of the above to a serious degree. Shades of grey. Avoidant Personality Disorder but he doesn't exhibit social inhibition. He can sing and play guitar around the campfire..(old H)
Shades of grey. I was just writing about this on the 'how mental are they' thread. (Pretty mental - but we all know that ;D ).
I'm just hypothesising, that the average MLCer, because they were able to function to a reasonably high level prior to crisis, had a milder version of mental health issues (anxiety, depression, bipolar etc) and/or personality disorder, because, if they'd been more severe on the spectrum, they wouldn't have been able to have kept up the facade for so long.
I too think my H is avoidant to some degree. What has become really clear to me though - is that he doesn't feel at all comfortable in social settings unless he has a 'something' in between him and other people. Give him that 'something' and he can do anything.
For his job - he has a camera and his work to buffer him from others. It's all about the work. He doesn't let people see the real him.
Before this, he was in a band. He could get up on stage and sing and play guitar, in front of anyone. Remove the guitar, and he sometimes found it difficult to connect with people. This always puzzled me. I'm the opposite. I just love having a yarn to anybody - don't enjoy being the centre of attention on a stage with my guitar in hand. It removes the connection for me.
Just pondering and wondering ......... I've been thinking about this a lot lately. How would it work if we did reconcile? Would this part of him just annoy the heck out of me now? Will he have matured and be more well rounded? Is this one of the issues that the MLCer is meant to navigate in the crisis?
My H is even aware of this. At BD he said that he didn't know who he was any more. (identity crisis)
A year later, he said that he knew he hid behind his camera. That he felt naked without it and couldn't be around people.
His replay activities all revolve around work, and work people.
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My H has always had these schizoid characteristics; avoiding social contact, prefering solitary activities, not understanding the impact he had on others when he was cross or stonewalling, and capable of going for days without speaking. He would never speak about his feelings.
In MLC he became the opposite; he spoke a lot about his feelings, and suddenly wanted to go out a lot. At first I went with him, to the point of exhaustion (4 a.m. in jazz clubs when I still had to work and look after the family). Then he replaced me with OW. After years of never wanting to go out, he suddenly went out often, with her. That really hurt.
Now he's back to being in his shell.
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In MLC he became the opposite; he spoke a lot about his feelings, and suddenly wanted to go out a lot. At first I went with him, to the point of exhaustion (4 a.m. in jazz clubs when I still had to work and look after the family). Then he replaced me with OW. After years of never wanting to go out, he suddenly went out often, with her. That really hurt.
Mermaid - I could have written the above about my H. I too was replaced with an OW who was more than happy to do these new things with him. It hurts a lot. :-\
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(((((((((((((((((Kikki)))))))))))))))))))
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Mermaid same here. For first 25 years of our marriage she never wanted to go anywhere. The the last 6 before bomb drop we went out dancing every weekend. Now she does not want to go anymore. I have to say I miss dancing with her it was romantic for me.
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Mermaid and KiKi and Tired and Confused My sister told me onetime recently that this whole mlc affair thing is like a dance. We are sitting there holding our spouse's seat and they are out dancing with the girl in high school that would "do" anyone. LOL! or the guy in high school who was known for that. ;) Yucky slime balls now. With yucky yucky morals too. Our spouses? Let's hope that it's the 180 of an mlcer trying to not look inside themselves bc demons are making noises in their FOG filled heads. :o :o :o :o :o For now. For today. ::)
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According to a psychologist friend, even if H does exhibit some traits of schizoid PD, like his withdrawn, anti social nature, it's not enough to classify a PD. She says true schizoids are much more wierd, and across all contexts, not just at home. He wouldn't be able to function.
So he's just disinterested in people. Especially me.
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Hiya, just chipping in, hope you don't mind.
My H definitely has a lot of the major characteristics of Avoidant PD, except the social interactions. Plays in a band, but behind a drum kit. Although people from different backgrounds, classes etc make him feel really uncomfortable ( the inferiority thing I would imagine) and doesn't want to mix with them.
He is aware that he is "complex" but seems to revel in the fact that other people can't work him out. He's an enigma, he describes it as. He also says that he knows he keeps people at arms length on purpose and that he misses out in relationships. He also talks about having very few close friends and how sad that makes him. Reckon this is his Mum too as in 21 years I hardly know the real woman and have never so much as seen her pat him on the arm in affection.
Was just wondering if perhaps the OW thing is sometimes about trying on a new way for size in a comfortable environment where it doesn't matter as much if they get it wrong or it doesn't suit??
Could be practising for the future when it gets more comfy to do it with you?
Don't think this is true in many of the other PD's.
Our part in the practising is about showing we can listen more than we talk sometimes. (okay bit of a struggle for us ladies at times) Especially given the rubbish we have to listen to from time to time. Making it safe for them.
That personality type is not going away from them, only their reactions to it, just as we've had to change in detachment. Which we all know is possible, so maybe they can do it too?
This deep thinking makes you want to go eat cake or something, so off I go.......
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