Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: WarriorSprit on February 23, 2012, 06:39:57 AM
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I was wondering how many of you had spouses that have had other mental issues in there life before MLC ?
My w had a bout for 15 years with depression and panic attacks. She seems to have got past the panic attacks. But the depression is harder for me to pick up on. She quit taking her meds in 2004 on her own and she did seem to be better for a while. As she could now go places and do things and drive a car. But as the years went by I would pick up on the depression at times but she would get angery if I brought it up. Now she blames the doctors for the reason she had the above issues. So how many of you have had your spouses have mental issues before MLC?
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My H has never suffered any overt mental issues though I would say he is a depressive personality in general. He tends to be pessemistic and a bit moody and also does not have as much confidence as he should, which tends to make him angry at times. I will say though that I now realize he has childhood issues that I was not aware of previously. This only came to light to me as a result of his MLC.
Interestingly, I've suffered from panic attacks for 25 years though they were essentially dormant until just before bomb drop...now I only drive a few miles from home. Funny how someone else's MLC caused my own mental issues to creep back in...eek...
Bon
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I will pray you panic attacks go away. Thanks for the reply. Your H and my W seem to have allot of the same issues. Do you or anyone else know of a web site where I can find out more on childhood issues that stem over to adulthood ? Also always looking for any stories from people who went through MLC. If anyone knows of any.
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My H had obvious depression and panic attacks. He stopped taking his meds 3 months before BD.
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Leftalone. We have pretty much the same story. The only thing different was my BD was 6 years later.
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My H (ex) was being treated for what he called "anxiety attacks". This started about 3 years after our marriage and 2 years prior to BD. I didn't know much about it and never really witnessed this for myself. He said it always happened to him when he was in a large group of people and especially if he had to speak/address them. He was seeing a doctor at the time and taking medication. He pretty much kept most of this private.......even from me. I don't really know about any childhood issues but I'm sure there maybe some. His father divorced his mom when he was about 16 (left to be with OW and married her). His father became "nonexistent" in their life. He passed away about 10 to 12 years later. My spouse said he "mended" ways with his father before he passed. My spouse was also married before me and from all things he told me she was in control. He was beat down and treated like a child.......literally. He lived with this condition for about 10 years before divorcing her due to the fact she had two affairs (same man). I feel like some of the issues he needs to deal with stem from such a controlling previous marriage. He is now under a different type of doctors care and different meds. From what I can tell this seems to be helping him.
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My H was diagnosed with psychosis before our D20 was 2 years old. He has been hospitalized twice for this. H refuses to stay on his meds as he does not like the side effects.
My attorney - after dealing with H in court and other meetings - is adamant that H is also both bipolar and OCD, though he has never been clinically diagnosed with those other two.
H's mother is very sad, shows little emotion. I always thought she was depressed and I do believe that her depression absolutely affected my H's childhood in a very negative way. I think H has depression, too. Funny thing is that when H was diagnosed with psychosis, the doctor asked if anyone in H's family had a mental illness (looking for a genetic link) and of course my MIL said no, no one. Of course, she has never seen the depression in herself. And, I would be very surprised if many of our MLCers did not have those childhood issues like my H has had that have been brought on by a mentally ill parent or other relative.
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Wow, with all these MLCers having panic attacks, you would think I would be the one having the crisis, rather than my husband.... ???
Thank you for the prayers!
Sorry, I don't know of any websites per se but I know that many people here talk about avoidant personalities being prone to MLC. I personally think avoidants are also prone to panic attacks. There is an element of genetics with panic attacks as well...my father had them, his mother had them...though in those days, they never would admit that and insisted they had heart issues.
Bon
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Oh, my ex has also stated that he suffers from depression. He said his father and grandmother (father's mom) both suffered from depression. After he told me this I asked him if he's ever experienced the depression in such great depth's as he did 28 months ago (BD) and he said no. I asked him if he thought it was odd that it came on so sudden and why he thought it happened to him since he had never really exhibited major bouts of depression. He didn't have an answer. He also claims (now, since BD) that he is a codependent. I told him that I thought his codependency was due to his previous marriage because he has always said he did everything to keep her happy.....even if it made him miserable. It seems that I have been blamed for all the things that was wrong in his first marriage. It's like he has mingled and mixed up details of the two marriages and I am being blamed for things she did, not me. He has recently indicated that he didn't remember saying things about me that he knows is not true........at least now he admits it.
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My H has shown signs of depression on and off for years. He has also had periods of time where he experienced panic attacks and major episodes of anxiety. Bipolar and depression also run in his family.
It doesn't surprise me looking back that he had the panic/anxiety/depression over the years. I think he has been pushing his issues down so he didn't have to deal with them for a very long time.
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My H mentioned having a couple panic attacks in the last ten years, but he also hates to see the doctor so they've never been diagnosed as such; that is just what he calls them.
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The more I read about it, the more convinced my W has an Avoidant Personality Disorder. I can see she has anxiety attacks when I question her about our relationship, and I can see that the months leading to BD, and the months after BD that she has OCD.
She claims not to be depressed, but in thinking about it, she was never really gregarious or happy. She never felt I was safe enough to tell me about the AvPD, but I suppose that is all you've known, you won't know that there is something wrong...
Definitely an unhealthy childhood. Unstable, and her mother abandoned her as a child emotionally, and then as a young adult and teenager, extremely controlling.
I knew that it couldn't be healthy, I didn't think it would cause her not to love me though... If anything, I thought she would recognize that I love her, and she would realize how it's different than her mother. I figured she would know how dysfuctional her mother was, and try not to be that way....
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Mine had a terrible childhood as well. Her mother had a affair and would bring the boy friend home right in front of her husband. They where drunk all of the time. I can remember her dad crying wanting sex from his wife all of the time and he would tell my wife about it as well as her brothers and sister. Later in life my w hated her mother which I worked hard trying to get her to drop it because her mother changed , quit drinking etc.
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Interesting thread. My H never showed signs of depression or mental illness before BD. If anything he was overconfident and bragged about himself quite a bit. He often told me how much people liked him...which I found very odd. Desperate for validation I guess.
He grew up in a seemingly perfect family, but it was all very fake and hypocritical. All his family avoids conflict like the plague so they are sugary sweet to people's faces and talk horribly about them behind their backs. I heard them bash H's sister's husband and have now learned they did it to me too. H's sister is now divorcing her husband and began the process at the exact same time H began our divorce. :o
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Faith, first thanks for your thoughts. Here is what I found interesting. Telling you how much people liked him. Sounds like he may have not like himself because he needed to reinsure himself that others liked him. Also find it interesting that he filed for divorce the sametime as his sister. May have needed someone else to do first so he would not feel bad about himself. My guess is he has self esteem issues. Stay strong.
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T and C
There are some earlier threads where we've wondered about this too - seems a lot of LBS came to the conclusion that the MLCers either had mental health issues - anxiety, depression, bipolar etc and/or personality disorders - most often avoidant, and with all of the elements coming together at this time of life - it seemed to tip them over the edge into crisis.
They don't seem to have the coping skills needed to navigate this time of life.
We also thought that a lot of the MLCers went under the radar with their mental health issues - often not severe enough to seek treatment and they were able to function okay up until this point.
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kikki thanks for the replie. The part you said under the radar. My w does very good at here job and likes it. However the bosses d told my w when she use to smoke that she too long for breaks. My w did not go back to her job for over two years and I still have no idea what prompted her to go back as I always made enough income for the two of us and she had no limit on what she could spend. Also mine was sent to a psychiatrist about 15 years ago by her doctor. First she never told me she had an appointment until after she went. She said the psychiatrist asked her if I beat-ed her or if her dad beat-ed her and she told him no. And she was not going back there because he was crazy. I always thought that something must have came out when she was there that she did not want to come out, so she never went back. One other weird thing. My wife would always baby sit for our one d and not the other. She always said over the years how pretty our youngest was and how she never wanted to have her. I started wondering if she was trying to punish her.
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I always thought that something must have came out when she was there that she did not want to come out, so she never went back.
It does sound like it, doesn't it. This is where the denial comes in. They suppress things that should be dealt with.
At midlife, these aspects that are hidden in the shadows, start to scream to be heard. The MLCers don't have the coping skills to deal with them.
I never understand how a parent can favour one child over another. Not at all fair on the kids. :-\
MLC = no sense
We can't make sense of the nonsense