Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Tsunami on February 28, 2012, 01:52:40 PM
-
While speaking with OMR today, she suggessted I start this thread to see how many of you were threatened with comments like this.....
"I have no intentions to continue on with our marriage, so if you're hanging around hoping things will change then you are doing yourself a great injustice."
Did your MLCér keep the threat or change their mind at a later date?
-
Tsunami,
As you probably know, I'm divorced from mine and he said that to me several times before everything was final. More recently, he hasn't so much said those exact words but he has told me he will never marry again. He states that just seeing me causes him a great deal of pain and his thoughts of guilt and shame still haunts him. He has also mentioned recently that I should date someone.......but that was in reference to a person I was telling him would probably like to date my sister but she's not interested so he asked why I didn't date him. Well, the answer was: 1). Because I wouldn't go out with anybody who wants to date my sister, and 2). Because he lives in another State. Ha, ha.
-
Shortly after BD, my MLCer told me that maybe we could get back together in eight years. What a random number??? Of course, then he vanished. Who knows where or if I'll be in eight years. He sounded pretty angry when he said it too - I must have been begging and pleading still at that point, though I gave up the fight very, very soon after and just let him go 150%. :-\ I remember thinking, "eight years!?!?", I'll be dead in a month. Well, that didn't happen.
-
I don't recall the exact words, but he swore the marriage was over. He said he would never be married again. It wasn't in him, blah, blah, blah. Today he has been home for 16 months. He is thru his MLC and settling down. Those words are part of the script.
Think about how many MLCers threaten divorce and don't follow thru.
-
Thank you ladies, and especially Patience for...."Those words are part of the script."
Honestly, that is what I was hoping to hear. OMR told me they all say they are done with the marriage.
Mine has filed for divorce, but it is on hold until March 2013, so I will have medical benefits for life without cost.
Monster is making me want to start posting again. I'm feeling insecure suddenly even though I fully believe in The Process.
-
Tsunami,
Sweetheart said it too. He said it directly, but he didn't need to say it in words since filing for divorce has that meaning too!
But you know how it turned out. :D
-
Mine did too. Never would return never never. Swore black and blue as he walked out the door how much he hated me now and how awful I was.
And although with ow guess where he lives? Well he lives Nowhere really but he calls here home and that he lives here. Go figure.
Script
-
Tsunami:
Hugs sweetie. I know you are scared and hurting. It is part of the script. Have you read the depression list that was posted on several threads today. If not, go read it. I am sure you will see your H in it.
Take care of yourself and focus on you. Did you get out in that sunshine today! :)
My H told me he loved me like his sister, his friend, ILBNINLWY, etc. It is part of the script. It hurts, its projection.
Thinking of you. Lets talk soon.
Sassy
-
Tsunami, I didn't get the "I won't be back" speech, but something related...my H told my kids he was going to get them beds for his new place and a dresser and they would stay with him every weekend. They visited his place approximately 4 times, and now he comes out here every weekend, and during the week. S9 has asked to go to his place and he finds a way to avoid doing that.
Just remember the words that come out of their mouths are not supported by a functioning brain.
-
Amen LC!
Just remember the words that come out of their mouths are not supported by a functioning brain.
So true!
Sassy
-
I know you are scared and hurting. It is part of the script. Have you read the depression list that was posted on several threads today. If not, go read it. I am sure you will see your H in it.
You know the funny thing with that Sassy? I'd printed it out months ago, and read it from time to time, but had completely forgotten where I'd first read it. Found it on the DB site and posted in the MLC info.
Tsunami just bumped up her original thread - she'd originally posted it last year. How's that for a circle of recommendation. ;D ;D ;D
It really is an excellent article, and helps a lot to understand our spouses, I think
-
LOL, see how smart Tsunami is!!!!
Any who, it is a great article and everyone should read it more than once!
Sassy
-
See chicky. i told u would get that response ;) feel a bit better now? i hope so :)
(((hugs)))
OMR
-
Sassy, Tsu is a smart a$$ and anyone here on the board knows that already! LOL
Hey chickie, yes, when I saw Patience wrote "Those words are part of the script" I exhaled, but the comment still hurts.
Then God love her, RCR posted too and we had already discussed her h coming home.
I still want apply shaken adult syndrome to the side of his head somedays to clear the fog.
Thank you to everyone who have responded to my post!
Hugs,
Tsu
-
Tsunami - oh, you crack me up with that statement, I am going to have to use (shaken adult syndrome) more often. Is it patented? Thanks for putting a smile on my face. I am fortunate enough not to have heard it but have felt at times that wifey was not going to come home. Of course "I think we should divorce" is just about the same in my book.
L&S - heard nearly the same thing. Wifey said we could get back together in a few years just like her parents did when they divorced and go back after 6yr. Yea, not going to be around probably for you deary. Also said that when she was going to move into an apartment (never did) she would take a 3mo lease. I said, why not 6mo and she said: "you think it will take that long to work this out?". Ha, if she went with 3mo, we still would be in replay anyway.
Honour - wow, I know I have heard it on this board from others but (and from another sage on L2) that is really cruel. You have a heart of solid gold. I know I would have been able to detach better if my wife had vanished. I get a different kind of h*ll with a live-in MLCer (as much as she runs back to home town for validation).
-
I heard on the grape vine that my H told other's he was NEVER coming back. Has remained true to his word so far. However, the children's counsellor also asked him and then advised him he needed to tell the children he wasn't coming back but to this day he's never said it to them or myself.
He did say to me (Yelled it ) "Our Marriage is over". It did hurt very much as we'd just been away for the weekend together not long before that, so I just couldn't understand why he was being so definite about it I didn't know about MLC then.
He now just take's the opportunities to tell me repeatedly that we don't have a relationship anymore as we did before. Like I don't know that already ??? ??? ::) The way he says it, it's like he thinks I'm hanging on to him or depending on him.
Here's another link I found which may help others understand the ILYBINILWY speech.
http://womeninmlc.lefora.com/2009/03/03/from-the-desk-of-mort-fertel-i-love-you-but-im-not/
-
It wasn't so much of a threat as a statement of intent. An intention that she saw through to implementation. She left 4th Dec 2010. I haven't seen her since. Not heard a word, a single text, email or telephone call. I did hear from her solicitor a few times though. We divorced November 2011. Can't remember the date.
My situation is more like Honour's. My H is a vanisher--gone, and moving forward legally. OW (my former friend) recently finalized her divorce so I think they are determined to make the charade work to prove it was worth destroying two families, four children, two spouses, and a community of mutual friend.
Reconciliation seems less likely with vanishers, but that doesn't mean there aren't exceptions.
The best to everyone,
Phoenix
-
Tsunami,
My kids told me : 'forget him, you have just got to get used to the fact he is never coming back, he said so!'
He never actually said it to me in so many words, but all his actions so far have supported what the kids told me. I love reading Bob Steinkamp on this subject - he says that when your spouse tells you they are never coming back, they are attempting to convince themselves, trying to make it true...
I guess it is part of the script...
-
Tsunami:
Logically we all know it is part of the script, but it still hurts. (((HUGS)))) OMR is a smart chickie too she knew where to send you!
Think of it this way. They are teenagers yelling and spewing vile stuff at their for lack of a better work "mommy" figure. No way no how are you going tell me what to do. Stompping their feet and standing their ground. (When and you will be able to eventually you can look back at it, it is really comical.) Remember he is projecting at you. He is just being a kid who is angry that you are standing your ground. It scares him and hopefully when he comes out of his tunnel he will see it for what it is worth.
Work on yourself, get yourself strong because only you can control how you feel, react and respond. Don't allow his spew to bring you down. Do something for yourself today.
(((HUGS)))
Sassy
PS: We have your rain today! :)
-
SP that's a really good articule on 'ILVBNILWY'. Perhaps something else that could be posted on the Articles board?
SKxxx
-
My H first left on a trip to his original hometown and told me he didn't know how long he would be gone or even if he would be coming back. He spent ten days away. That next month, he told me he was DONE (with me), that we were just roommates, that he didn't feel married to me anymore, and that as soon as he got a job in his hometown he would move out. "It's not fair to you and it's not fair to me, staying together," he said. If I had thought that wasn't bad enough, he immediately told everyone on Facebook how DONE he was and please everyone send me job leads because I CAN'T WAIT to be out of here.
It was as humiliating as it was hurtful. He could not have made it more clear he was not staying. Do you know where he is today? Home with me. Six months after insisting he was DONE. He says it's because a hometown pal told him it's dead there, no jobs so he shouldn't move. Uh huh. I think he thought of me moving on and was like :o :( >:( :'( :'(.
-
Mine told me last Tuesday she was never coming back, and not to be holding my breath, I said ok, I understand,, that seem to make her even madder, but only God know the plan I have for you
EDIT - ALL I can say is my first post says to believe NOTHING of what they say.
So why are you guys believing this? = OldPilot
-
HEy OP,
Love your comment! :)
-
The ILYBNILWY article is good. I will tell you this hindsight is 20-20 for me for sure.
Funny thing is H and I did the Mort program (which is spectacular by the way for those not in MLC). I know I read this at one point but clearly did not process this particular quote:
While someone who says, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” seems to be making a distinction between “different loves;” in fact, they are expressing their confusion about what love really is. And that’s why they’re having marital problems and maybe even an affair (because who are they IN LOVE with?). . . . “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you” is a cop out. It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance. But whoever they’re IN LOVE with now will also eventually hear, “I love you, but I’m not IN LOVE with you.”
Note this particular quote:
It basically means that I have no clue how to make a relationship last LONG-TERM so I’m exiting to get high from another short-term romance.
Again clearly indicating that our MLC'ers are looking to something or someone to make themselves feel better.
Another valid reason to read and read again. I so wanted to believe that H had ended his EA, but it really had turned into a PA. Again, counseling was useless, just an excuse for him to validate himself.
Moral of the story is . . . FOCUS ON YOURSELF. I really wish I would have found this site earlier and really really wish I would have been able to focus on me and not H, not the marriage and not the sitch. Would have saved me a lot of grief. Oh well live and learn.
Mort's program in phenomenal but not until reconnection and until you are both read. Think I might pull it out of the closet and revisit it again and see where we really are.
Although Mort has a Lone Ranger program for those of you that are interested and I think it is a great program for LBS'ers.
I agree a good article to be posted.
Sassy
EDIT - Bold bracket in wrong position, must be inside quote brackets
-
I love reading Bob Steinkamp on this subject - he says that when your spouse tells you they are never coming back, they are attempting to convince themselves, trying to make it true...
I guess it is part of the script...
I love reading Bob's perspective on these things too. I don't know if Bob was quite the vanisher that I seem to have though. But, it does continue to give me hope on the dark days...like now! I heard the ILYBNILWY from H and the "we're over" and all too...so far, it appears to be true. Although I'm not even sure how he could ever justify even saying the ILY part of it because he CERTAINLY isn't treating me with even slight regard at this point and honestly more like HATERED. But, I digress...
...hoping to one day be able to say that "YES, my H returned (a better person) after making that statement"!
-
2 years since move out 1+ year divorced yet she continues to talk about reasons she left.
The knocking is getting louder dear.
Mac
-
I was reading further on the link that StillPraying posted. I found these words from someone who is recovering form MLC very enlightening.
Although I NEVER said those words to my partner - I love you but I am not in love with you - I know what it feels like to WANT to say it and to FEEL that way; actually the correct description would be - to UNFEEL that way. I lost - seems like overnight - the ability to recall the feeling of love - for my partner - for my children - for me. I could not remember the joy that I had previously felt in my life - I could not find joy in anything - therefore this was new found 'clarity' - I obviously had never felt those things - those feelings NEVER existed. That is not reality - but that is what MLC FEELS like.
I chose to fight it and have discussed the tools I used, in previous posts. Shepherdess has discussed tools that are good for this - affirmations list. However the big kicker is - only if the person in MLC realizes that it is MLC happening to them, will they recognize that the joy, love and purpose in their lives still exists - but they have to FIGHT one heck of a battle to re-discover it. MLC feels like a new 'clarity', like a veil of self-deception has been lifted - like - WOW - why didn't I realize all of this before!!!! when in fact, it severely impairs our ability to have 'clarity' about what our lives have been and are. It FEELS totally opposite to what it REALLY is, which makes it a very devious and insidious enemy.
Every person in MLC FEELS that they are awakening to a new understanding of their life - that the blinders have finally, miraculously been removed - and thank God its not too late!!! When in fact, their emotional self, which supports the joy, love and purpose of their lives - has been sedated and is often times comatose, making them FEEL that those things never existed.
Just some thoughts on the emotional shutdown that creates so much damage.
PEACE
WOW is all I have to say. I don't know about the rest of you, but I am better able to understand when I can understand what an MLC'er is going through. Not fun and I wouldn't want to be in their shoes for sure.
Sassy
EDIT - Quote brackets in the wrong place - need to be on the outside. - OldPilot
-
I was the one to physically leave.
I heard for 9 months
We HAD our time!!
I'm done with you!!
And many more classics.
He legally divorced me ;now we're living together.
::)
-
great thread to start up. i had all the usual ilybnilwy. but yesterday i read a thread sassy had posted on ow/om thread about the mlc depression. that helped me once again stand up and realise the mlcers depression. it came along at just the right time. thank you so much sassy. i do read articles on and off. that just hit home for me. i will always read that when im having a confused or cycling day ;D
-
My H has repeatedly said that he isn't coming home, so I guess I can take heart from what Bob Steinkamp writes that it means he is trying to convince himself, but he hasn't come home, so that isn't what this is about.
I can't speak for myself, obviously, but I know my "friend of the 5 years" heard for all of those 5+ years that he wasn't coming home, and then he did. She said she was surprised. But come home he did; it wasn't easy; she said it took another 3 years to get to a good place, but he had been back for something like 3 years when my ordeal started, so she is luckily having trouble remembering it all, which is how it should be.
So yes, it does happen.
-
My H told me that any chance of us getting back together were gone cuz he thought I was cheating on him ??? He had already been living somewhere else for 6 weeks and I wasn't seeing anyone.
He moved back in with us and is still seeing OW. Says he doesn't want to be married but we are. Been back in the house for 21 months.
-
Wow- good thread!
I heard "I love you but in a different way, more like a friend!"
H told me he would always love me but not like a "WIFE"- such confusion going on there!
Glad to know it was just words but when you hear them it is devastating
-
Chloe...
Been back in the house for 21 months.
Is he likeable or do you have the desire to have him knocked off at times?
Crazy...
Wow- good thread!
Thank you, but OMR is the one that deserves the credit.
Everyone your replies have helped me to see it's part of the script. Sassy, FTT, and OMR already told me that, but those words were like a cancer on my soul, and hurt so deeply.
It makes me happy to know seeking answers regarding my own issues has helped others on the same painful journey.
-
but those words were like a cancer on my soul, and hurt so deeply.
I haven't gotten passed a lot of the stuff he said. And it's more than a year ago that he said those horrible awful gut wrenching things.
-
but those words were like a cancer on my soul, and hurt so deeply.
I haven't gotten passed a lot of the stuff he said. And it's more than a year ago that he said those horrible awful gut wrenching things.
Mine said he didn't want to be married, and didn't know when he would be back. He wouldn't promise anything, except financial support. I suppose I should be grateful.
Yes, the problem is that so much of the stuff they say seems to poison the soul. Even now he is back, professes love, has apologised, and doesn't want me to go away, he seems to have no idea of how much he has hurt me. It's hard to forget. I have hard time personally of getting over those gut wrenching things. I'm trying to work on it.