Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: ember on March 09, 2012, 12:05:37 AM
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I recently realized that my Uncle had a classic MLC when he split with my aunt several years ago. It was a very public and devastating split for my aunt who attempted suicide twice and thankfully, was unsuccessful. My Uncle was in his late 50s, was a very high power executive who exerted a lot of control and power in his position. After many years in that job, he was laid off or given a package...whatever the terminology was. I think he was fired. Afterwards, he was at a complete loss as to what to do with his life. Money was not an issue, I think he didn't know who he was now that he no longer had that job. He became depressed, spent hours on the computer, completely shut my aunt out. He ended up in the hospital at one point in a diabetic crisis. They tried therapy but he was resistant and blamed his wife for all that was wrong in his life. He found a woman that did "understand" him; she was a single mom with a 12 year old daughter. His own children had children of THEIR own!!!! He tried to cut his wife off financially and was just a horrible monster while they were splitting up. He is still living with this woman and her daughter, in a ramshackle house in the southern USA. He used to live in a palatial sprawling manicured home in North Eastern USA.
I bring this up because one thing my exH said in the midst of splitting with me was that he was not a bad person, he was not acting like my uncle did, even though he could totally understand where he was coming from. It was almost like he hero worshipped my uncle in how he ended his 35 year marriage. Perhaps it was just a little encouraging to him to see that "it all worked out " for my aunt and uncle after all the smoke cleared. My cousins want nothing to do with their dad, he has basically washed his hands of his kids and grandkids. So very sad.
Any thoughts?
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Ember,
I don't know about a mentor, or hero-worshipping, but my take on it is that during the crisis their outlook changes, and they now view things differently, or find things that support their new world view.
My H, for instance, always thought that certain specific people were nuts, selfish, not honorable, and so on. Now in the crisis one he now praises one of them, and when he was told that he was just like one of the others he said no, he didn't see himself like that, because he continued to provide financial support. Previously he had railed against that person's overall behaviour, now he's found just the one thing to denigrate.
So that's on par with your H saying that he's not acting like your uncle did -- he's finding things to differentiate himself, because he KNOWS that what your uncle did wasn't right. By finding something different, or saying that the other person was inherently bad and since he isn't, it isn't the same, he justifies it all in his mind.
That person's son also wants very little to do with him; a couple of years ago my H was trying to tell that boy that he needs to forgive his father (it was never something that bothered the boy....); clearly worried that he himself wouldn't be forgiven.
It's a mess, to tell you the truth.
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I´m doubtful that they find mentors- more like excuses- so and so did it, I´m not a bad guy, I feel no guilt, you knew this was coming and on and on.
Unfortunately just with politicians there are A LOT of "excuses" out there.
How is your Aunt?
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I DEFINITELY get the "I don't feel guilty any more" speeches -- repeatedly. The first one was about 6 months in; the most recent 6 weeks ago, again saying that he had come to terms with the enormous guilt that he had been feeling. I've heard it many times in between as well; that has probably been the one consistent thing throughout this mess in my sitch.
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Even if they are repeating a pattern in their own family or mirroring someone they know, they never compare themselves to the bad guy/girl they've known or heard about. This thing is about ME, ME, ME and so, I don't think they ever can digest they might act as despicably as someone else. They justify their own actions and even slam others who do similiar things. I think it is just a single minded issue and they can't see beyond their own brain/feelings/wants/needs.
Bon
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I don't believe that my H has a mentor, necessarily, but I see many things that helped him take the plunge so to speak and finally tell me that he wanted to leave. The first thing, which I thought was odd but was before BD so I didn't think about it much, was his friend's wife announcing on facebook her intent to separate from her husband. It didn't seem to occur to him it's a private matter that shouldn't be reduced to fb fodder.
It did seem to get the ball rolling in his mind that separation/divorce is a normal thing, something everyone goes through. He'd talk about this friend, then another friend, & his brother, so on and so on. Finally after BD he'd be angry with me for whatever and he'd mutter to himself something about it just being "fear of the unknown." Guess he was trying for months to actually ask for separation before he finally got up the nerve.
My H has become "that guy" (no wedding ring, doesn't bring up wife, etc.). PATHETIC!
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I don't think my exH has a mentor as such..........but I remember he said that he has become just like his dad. His father divorced his mother when he was about 17 years old. His father married OW. From what I know, this caused major problems with their relationship.........to the point of not having one at all. He and his brother (twin) took up for their mom. Due to the fact that my ex was nearly an adult (age) he was "privy" to all the stress/emotional turmoil this caused his mom. So he witnessed all the hurt, pain and damage caused by this same situation. His father died about 10 to 12 years later, fortunately my exH mended his relationship prior to his passing but only after his dad learned of his cancer. When his dad died his mom told him that it was like losing him all over again. She never remarried. She passed away in 2006. My exH has said he suffers from depression passed down through his dad. My exH also went through another marriage/divorce (before me)........as SHE was cheating on him. He has said he can't believe he did this to me........as he knows first hand how it feels.
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my h will have been encouraged by his mother. I'm certain of that. she will have supported him validated him and fed his feelings for it being his time now. he lives with her at the moment.
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For the trees,
Thanks for asking about my aunt. She is doing well, drinks a bit too much but has managed to get off her anti-anxiety meds. She has a nice little house of her own and travels a fair bit. She lives close to her daughter who recently had a handicapped child so she certainly feels needed there. She never speaks of my uncle now that all the financial stuff has been finalized.
I just remember thinking how strange the whole situation was when it was happening to my aunt and uncle, how totally out of character is was for him to behave the way he had been. Little did I know I would experience the exact same thing a few years later. Lucky me.