Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: TrustingMyHP on March 15, 2012, 08:34:16 AM
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This is something I've been curious about concerning myself and fellow HSs (trying not to self-identify as an LBS anymore!) Do you experience "couple envy"? I definitely do. I've wondered if I'm in the minority on this or if others here experience it.
It's not so much with couples I know (although it's certainly there at times) but more when I'm out and about doing daily activities (shopping, walking, having coffee with friends, going to church, being at a museum or a large social event, etc.) and see a couple I don't know I'll be struck with a pang of, "those people don't know how good they've got it," or "I used to be one of a couple," or just, "wish I was with my H/someone I loved/sad I'm not."
Since I was 19 when I started dating my H, and 58 when he left, I never experienced couple envy before. A new feeling, to be sure.
Admitting this demonstrates I have a ways to go in learning to accept/enjoy/happy that I can be by myself and feel fulfilled that some here have achieved. Clearly not there yet!
How 'bout you?
TMHP
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I'll jump in here with you TrustingMyHP. I can relate to what you are saying about "couple envy". It's not something I focus on right now..........not yet. I was single for 21 years after my first divorce. It never bothered me until a few years prior to meeting/marrying my now exH. I'm not exactly sure why it happened to me then or how long I dealt with it. I was the same as you........out and about (mostly alone) and I'd see these "couples" out walking, hand in hand......smiling, chatting, just being happy.....or so they seemed. It really bothered me a lot then. Now, I try really hard not to go there......I try to just focus on myself and the task at hand. Right after BD it was so agonizing to go out in public alone.........seeing so many other couples together nearly killed me! I have literally walked out of a store and left items in a shopping cart (nonperishable) because I could no longer stand the overwhelming sadness that I was feeling. Now, 29 months BD and I'm doing really good. It still occasionally "hits" me but I shrug it off as best I can. Seems to me sometimes it is harder than other times to shake it but it can be done. Just have to talk yourself out of the feelings. Seems to be a little harder on me when something I see and/or hear triggers a memory of me with my exH.
Hang in there!
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Just know that what you are experiencing is a sense of loss for what you had or want to have. You are projecting onto the other couple. You have no idea what they have together. Perhaps the reason you experience this less with the couples you know is because you know that they too have troubles.
The more I know about couples, the more I accept my situation. In fact, I would rather have my situation than the marriages of any number of my friends who are together.
The grass is not greener on the other side. The grass is greener where you take care of it...
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Great question!
I actually am the opposite. I was 1/2 of one of those couples that everyone thought had it made...we were envied by alot of people we knew. Now, I wonder when I see other couples if its going to blow wide open like mine did. That is a terrible, awful way to think, isn't it? I don't wish that for anyone...but I guess I've just become really cynical. Truth be told, even though I am still deeply in love with my H, and we are seriously reconnecting and I want to stay married, at this point I can say I probably would not have married had I known this would happen...in fact, I married him BECAUSE he wasn't all those things that he became if only temporarily. Just goes to show you can't rule anything out...nor trust or depend on anyone fully but yourself. I would not have signed on for the pain had I a magic ball to look into.
That's my very honest, and very unfortunate take on it now.
Bon
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I can't believe this post came up. I was at the beach yesterday afternoon( it was 75 here) going for a walk along this trail when a couple on a two seater bike passes me. I heard the woman say "isn't this so fun" and her spouse agreed. I teared up. I hear many little comments like that and it really gets to me. I miss and want that feeling. Although my H and I are starting to reconnect...right now from a very far distance, I wonder whether we will ever be like that...hope so.
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Bon:
Ditto, we were that way too. Friends that don't know what happened would be SHOCKED! I too now look at people and think :o yeah right! I am hoping my cynical attitude will wane as I heal.
Hugs,
Sassy
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Weird...we were that way too. The couple everybody envied because we were always so close...and happy. What happened to us shocked and scared everyone around us.
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Wondering, I am hoping that what happened to us is a wake up call for those around us. Unfortunately, I doubt it. My sisters still think it can't happen to them. We know different . . . this can happen to anyone.
I just keep trying to pay it forward.
Sassy
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Last Sat night, picking up a few groceries...eveyone was there as a couple..yes...pangs....walking, couples out walking talking, sitting in church, so many couples and families...yes I suffer from couple envy too...very much but it's not just being "any couple".....I want what may never be mine....the couple that like you, everyone thought had the greatest relationship.........
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Sassy - agreed, it can happen to ANYONE! In fact, I have told my H in regards to my SIL and couples that we were friends with that have accepted H and OW and spend time with them, that they had better hope this doesn't happen to them because only then would they know how I feel and they would regret and rethink their position on this! I didn't think it could happen to me either, everyone was shocked because we were "that" family that everyone thought was just so happy and had it all. And you know what, we did...I can't help that he chose to damage it the way he has. I can only be a part of the rebuilding.
Okay, back on topic: I too have MAJOR couple envy and have the exact same thoughts. I can remember one day about 3 months ago my D15 and I went out for dinner, there was a family sitting across from us and the H was on his cell phone texting, my D said "I bet he's cheating on her and he's texting an OW"...it broke my heart, it was clear to me at that moment just how much she has been affected by all this.
I also think "they have no idea how good they have it" and also at times I want to run over to the W and tell her "be good to him even when he doesn't deserve it, show him how much you love him, don't let your marriage become routine - make time for each other", of course I don't, I'm sure I would be carried away by the nice people in white coats to a padded room! :o :o :o
Hang in there all!! ;)
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It seems to be a common theme that many of us were part of "that" couple. Strange, isn't it?
I hope my cynism will wane as well. I honestly don't want that for anyone and every time I see a new person here, my heart sinks yet again.
I'm trusting those who have reconciled completely that it can be better and that somehow, going through all this ultimately strengthened their relationship but I'm not even close that yet and the forest is still much too dense. I know that I myself am stronger...and wiser...but I would not say "better".
I remember when my H used to say "I want to have the best marriage of anyone we know". And we seemed to at the time. I was almost embarrassed when people would express their envy of us.
So due to that, there is no way I have faith in any relationship that it won't blow up. I'm not saying they all will...thankfully probably just a small percentage. But how to predict who will have to endure this in the future? Who knows.
I've told my H that if we split up, I would NEVER marry again and in fact, I could not see myself even dating. No thanks. I'm quite fine on my own...was before, would be again. That's not what I prefer but I don't believe in the fairytale any more and again, the ends have not justified the means as yet so that would be my choice if we didn't stick together. I've had enough romantic heartbreak for a life time, thanks, I'm full.
Bon
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Last Sat night, picking up a few groceries...eveyone was there as a couple..yes...pangs....walking, couples out walking talking, sitting in church, so many couples and families...yes I suffer from couple envy too...very much but it's not just being "any couple".....I want what may never be mine....the couple that like you, everyone thought had the greatest relationship.........
Same thoughts for me...I went from being "that couple" to being that person who yearns to be "that couple". Happy little families with their babies and little kids and well, me and D2 with no fun parental interaction. Just pure stinks. :'(
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Always remember...... Nothing is as it seems. Jan 24th 2011 I went to a Beatles tribute with my H. We held hands and the Ds came with us. Afterwards we went out for pizza and laughed and drove home talking while the Ds slept in the back of the minivan. :)
Now I find out he slept with Bowser on Jan 19th bc I pushed him away. ??? >:(
No I don't envy anyone. I just get teary when I see a movie and I see a look of love between two people....but I see that same look every other weekend when H comes over to pick up the Ds and it's US! ??? ;)
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You're right MB...nothing is as it seems.
Remember when you are envying others that you just don't know...I believe this is an important part of taking off the rose colored glasses and dismissing the fairy tales in all aspects of life.
Don't get me wrong...I LOVED the fairy tale and I hope others have it but there are no guarantees for anyone...at all.
My parents seemed like that couple too...and they had a 60 plus year marriage, no cheating, no drama. But the reality was that it was a marriage of my father ruling EVERYTHING, and my mother never making waves about anything. Frankly, I wouldn't want that either but people would tell my mom all the time how lucky she was. I guess she was...if you don't mind being ruled and taking insults here and there and living with a difficult person. Nothing is as it seems...great mantra MB.
Bon
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That's an HB :) Mantra.
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One time I noticed a couple in a shopping center parking lot who were talking to one another, touching and hugging often. I saw they were both wearing scrubs, and so I assumed they had jobs at the same medical facility. I found it sweet until I wondered why they were parked to themselves in that lot rather than the lot at the place where they worked, or one of their homes or something. They looked like a couple of kids at school leaned up against a locker and looking around every now and again to see if a hall monitor was headed their way. I would be shocked if it wasn't a workplace affair.
Far as couple envy goes yes I get that, most of the time I feel it at church. Makes it a struggle for me to keep going. I sort of feel like there must be something wrong with me, to have chosen a man who was eventually going to reject me (temporarily or not) and all these other people were able to choose spouses that stay married and happy.
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I am enjoying reading the postings on this thread. I think it's a good topic. My exH and I were also at one time "that couple". We really had a wonderful marriage.......honestly, we only had one big argument and it didn't last long. Of course, we had only been married 5 years when BD hit. Even my ex mentioned that fact several times in conversations in the past.......we are/were so compatible. Of course, at BD we were anything BUT compatible.
We had a nice home, vehicles, vacation property, purchased a lot to build our dream home.........all thrown away! We were very comfortable as he and I both had retired from other jobs and started second jobs. We had 2 retirement checks and 2 regular paychecks........we weren't wealthy by any means......but very comfortable and we could afford whatever we wanted. Life was good.......maybe too good. It boggles the normal thinking persons mind how this could happen.......doesn't it? Maybe we all see a common "factor" in our situations.....we were all truly that "envied" couple. Such a shame and such a waste. Makes me wonder "why"? That is the million dollar question.
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Lovemyman, BC of issues that happened to our beloveds before we even MET THEM!
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Hi, Wed.......you were posting at the same time as me. I've seen that same exact type of scene......it reminds me of a few times my exH and I would be out somewhere and I'd see something like that and I'd point them out to him. I'd say something like, "bet they are not married to each other....maybe having an affair". He'd ask "how do you know"...........and I'd say, "women just know these things". Now that I think on it........this probably could have very easily happened prior to BD. Funny how you just don't realize what's going on until it happens.
I also struggle big time in Church. At first, I would get so upset that I would nearly get up and walk out. I'd force myself to stick with it. It has gotten easier........I try to focus on the sermon and not so much on the other couples. Sometimes though, I end up sitting totally alone.........not even one stranger sitting next to me. I don't really have any "friends" at Church........just speak and smile at the same ones most of the time.
My parents are still married.........happily?? Not exactly........my dad is a tyrant........he controls EVERYTHING........my mom just "is"..........many times in my youth I had wondered why she stayed. He was very abusive (mainly verbal) toward my mom throughout my youth.......I vaguely remember some minor physical abuse. I now believe that perhaps my dad had a MLC..........he never left home. I was divorced with two kids when this happened so I can't exactly recall his age..........the "girl" was younger than ME! It was so sickening. I do not know how my mom managed to survive it. My mom was working as a full time nurse and she had the late shift during this time. My dad would meet up with this "girl" and spend all kinds of money on her. I actually had an encounter with her (my mom had me pick her up at work and we waited for my dad to drop the girl off at her house before he was scheduled to pick my mom up from work). Anyway, it was a nasty scene. I don't remember how long it lasted but years later my dad was told by a 'friend' that she had committed suicide. I knew she had issues and that just proved it. So, my parents are still married.........happy doesn't fit.
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Mamma Bear.........I know, you are right. I have a son........not married but it makes me wonder what issues he may have that I caused.......I practically raised both my kids alone.....even though their dad was in their lives. I believe my daughter is having her own crisis now. She was married for 9 years (no kids), left her husband in August '11, divorced by Oct. '11 and is now ENGAGED!! She has been in contact with an old ex boyfriend from high school.........he's been married/divorced twice with two kids.
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I absolutely have couple envy at this time. I look at elderly couples and tear up as see them together. There is no greater compassion for another as you watch them help each other through a door or whatever it may be.
We were a great couple one that people envied. People are shocked and very sad that H left. I think some are frightened by what happened ..wondering if i could happen to them.
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It IS scary. I only talk to my sister about it but I can tell it scares her...then I can hear her convince herself that this is due to who HE is and who I am and that may be true but it does not exclude everyone else in the world...
Have you all seen "The Four Seasons" with Alan Alda many years ago?
A couple gets divorced and it freaks out the other couples that they are friends with...and they admit to it scaring them. Makes sense to me.
Bon
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I will admit to it :-[
For me, it is worse at the supermarket and at the beach. These are the places where I see couples more often. As for couples I know, they don't affect me so much, I don't really know why ??? ??? I have been cut out of the social 'couples' circles anyway...
At church, there aren't so many couples, more widows and separated women like me, it isn't a very large congregation.
L2E, I have this reaction thoughI also think "they have no idea how good they have it" and also at times I want to run over to the W and tell her "be good to him even when he doesn't deserve it, show him how much you love him, don't let your marriage become routine - make time for each other", of course I don't, I'm sure I would be carried away by the nice people in white coats to a padded room!
I think I was so proud and conceited of how happy we were that I never used to be envious of couples before, it was generally the other way round, people were openly envious of us. I sometimes even feel that these people now are secretly glad that we are not so 'perfect' :-\
Although I admit to it, I try not to dwell on it and I silently bless the couples I see. May God keep them together, may they never have to go through what we are...
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I've never had couple envy, but on one occasion last summer, I did get really sad as I listened to all the happily married couples around me talk about their vacation plans. My H rarely seemed to want to get away or make plans together--he didn't have the patience, and we were spending a lot of money on a second home that he wanted, so money wasn't easily available for big trips for the five of us. We did take vacations, and they were lovely, but not often planned together, and not taken as often as I would have liked. Early after BD, I would have given ANYTHING to get away with my H, and knowing that he was vacationing with OW was shattering. It makes me super sad thinking about that now. :'( I felt so alone.
It's funny a few of you mention super markets. I, too, notice couples at super markets. I like it. I like watching the patience I see the men showing for their wives. My H was always very impatient with me in the market, would even accuse me of overspending (honestly--for small things like $3 tea--"You're NEVER going to drink that!") and he would walk away from me in stores to try to finish the shopping with minimal purchases. I, on the other hand, loved to flirt and joke with him in the stores. I actually loved spending that time with him, even if it often degenerated into his irritability. I would work hard to make him laugh anyway. So when I see other men treat their partners with respect and kindness, it warms my heart, and I see, "That's how it's SUPPOSED to be." Gosh, it honestly just takes my breath away thinking about it!
I NEED to believe in love, and so when I see couples loving each other I know everything is right, and that I, too, can expect to be loved one day.
I can't bear the thought that everyone is secretly unhappy together or just this side of a breakup. That's a terrible thought, and I need to keep my faith in men and in love.
Sometimes I realize with a bit of sadness that I'll never be in one of those golden marriages--the 50-year anniversaries are not in my future, unfortunately. I'm sad knowing that it isn't because I didn't try. I was "all in" but he was not.
I did meet an adorable elderly couple at work one day, and with a twinkle in my eye I asked them, "How long have you two been married?" Of course I expected the answer to be on the order of many decades, and was shocked and charmed when they said something in unison like, "Two years!" They were so happy. Love can come at any age. And nobody knows what life has in store. Don't WE know that some of our best plans never come to fruition. I certainly planned to be married to one man for the rest of my life, to be carefree and childless again one day, to help raise our grandchildren together. Que sera, sera, I suppose.
When I hear women complain about their husbands, I warn them to be gentle and attentive, to try to work things out. I don't believe any of us here did anything to cause our spouses' MLC, nor do I believe there's anything we could have done to prevent it, but I do want non-MLC couples to realize that discord that could lead to a "normal" divorce is to be avoided. Divorce is hell. Love is nourishment--REAL love, that is, as opposed to parasitic MLC pseudo-love.
I also know that, sadly, many married couples envy those of us who are single, who get to have a "do-over" in life, because they see the freedom, they see us trying a little harder to look especially nice, they think about the bickering they do with their spouses and the excitement (bleah!) that lies ahead of us singles (ohhh...honestly...I feel sick just thinking about it) and they maybe for a moment wonder what it would be like, maybe with a little bit of longing.
Oh, the grass is often green on the other side of the fence.
But I love the couples.
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Cali That is really nice. It is amazing. I think I am hurt bc H and I were one of those couples in the store taking our time if we went together and he was always kind and considerate to get exactly what I wanted. :) :'(
I know it's not my fault he felt the need to go on an adventure without me but after going through rehab and 12 step program I really do live 'one day at a time.' 50 years married to th same man?' Imagine ::)
I want to give you a hug everytime you mention that your H may have ALWAYS been unpleasant. That sux. Hug.
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I'm going to admit that I have couple envy of MY (MY!!!) H and his OW, though I do understand that, rationally, it is not a relationship to envy.
And, while I miss the man my H was at his best, and the man I always had faith my H could be, I do not miss the man who left his family, or the man who was irritable and socially awkward and self-absorbed and lazy.
Oooooone less, bell to answerrrrrrrrrr, ooooooooooone leeeeess egg TO FRY! One-less man, to pick up after....(Hahah, sorry.)
One reason I don't have a lot of couple envy is that I am enjoying my freedom from the man who left me--the monster, the liar. I am more at peace since he's not around.
And, finally, I'm enjoying my time with the kids and my friends, not worrying if H is unhappy or angry or impatient.
OOoh, but I bet he's that way with OW about now!!
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Cali,
I'm going to admit that I have couple envy of MY (MY!!!) H and his OW,
me too!
And that is because I know how affectionate and nice my h was, ok the last few years, there was a lot of walking on egg shells and quite a lot of irritability on his part, especially when out driving, and that would upset me (and the kids!) - I really miss the affection and intimacy :'( :'( :'( :'(, it was still there even with the irrritability, he never withdrew that, until BD.
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I am right there with you mitz! I miss the man I know my H is when he's "into" someone. He's thoughtful, respectful, always up to do whatever, says sweet things, very caring, etc...
I know he's being this way with OW and that feels like getting punched in the gut repeatedly! I envy that part of their relationship, but I don't envy the statistics stacked against a relationship like theirs, I don't envy them having to live in fear of being run slam over by the karma bus everyday of their lives, I don't envy everyone knowing she is "the woman H left his wife for" and H being the guy who "had an affair with a young employee of his and left his wife and kids for her".
I guess when you think about it and really look at the big picture, the H's and OW's have so much more to be envious of LBS's for! And I surely don't envy the fear and jealousy OW lives with in regards to the W...and we all know deep down the OW's feel that way!
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Agreed here that we were "that couple" that were so strong and loving that everyone wanted to be like. Of course little did I know that wifey's ugly childhood would rear its ugly head to bite me in the a$$. I too have couple envy, call it the supermarket but mostly Wal-Mart. Someone once said that the house might look great on the outside, but once inside it can be a freakin wreck. We didn't have many arguments. I loved when we went to the store together that my wife would ask me to touch her. Caress her neck and shoulders as we walked along the aisles fulfilling the needs of the family. I was wanted, I was needed. Now, it is all different. I look at the older couples also and wonder, wow, how did you make it so far along. I get e-mails from a guy at church who has been married for many years and wonder how was he so blessed. How in the world have I been so gifted to have been with 2 broken women (this is my 2nd marriage) who have not known the treasure they have in me. Crazy!
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Ok, ok...tonight I did have couple envy at Home Depot.
But I'm ok. I'm O-K.
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I too have couples enny. When I see couples, that you know have been together forever, I too thought that I would be there. When I see the older couples strolling holding hands, it hurts.
I wanted to be one of those couples. You can see the love on their faces. When I gal and all around me are couples, I feel uncomfortable sometimes.
Im still holding hope that, that will be me.
C