Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Faith on March 31, 2012, 11:52:10 PM
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We focus on standing for marriage on this board so maybe this is not appropriate, but some like me are facing an unwanted divorce (or have been through one) so I hope this question is ok.
I am struggling with the decision of whether or not to change my last name back when the divorce is final. I no longer want my H's name as I move forward with my life, BUT I also feel like it would be sad to have a different last name than my kids. I want the three of us to feel like a family unit. I also don't want them to feel like their name is bad in my eyes. My kids are both teenage girls, so it's likely they'll get married someday and have different last names themselves, so I guess I could wait until that happens...but being stuck with the name of the "man" who betrayed me in every way possible would be tough.
My D17 was recently telling me about a woman she knows who divorced, and D thought it was weird that the woman kept her married name. I told her it was probably for her kids' benefit. So, I think D17 would totally understand if I change mine, but D14 is really struggling with this whole situation so I don't know how she would feel (and she wouldn't tell me unfortunately. She's always "fine".)
So...I'm wondering if anyone would be willing to share if they changed their name back, how their kids felt, how much of a pain it was to have legally changed everywhere, etc. I don't HAVE to make this decision now, but if I do change it back during the divorce there is no charge and it's just an easy way to get it done. Thanks for your input!!
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When I left my first husband I kept his name and had people refer to me as Mrs XYZ( his name)
I had been that for so long and I felt it was good for the kids a well as it was their surname. For me personally I didnt feel any need to change back
Zing x
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Faith - to be honest, I haven't thought about this for myself, but my mother had a MLC at the same age as my H.
I was in my 20's at the time, and living overseas, but my two younger siblings, still lived at home. (with our father of course).
I know our Mother considered changing back to her maiden name, and we were all appalled.
The Divorce made us feel that our lives had been a lie, and that we were losing our identities to some degree, but that would have been yet another blow.
A little different, as she was the one inflicting the wounds to begin with.
Personally, I think D14 would see it as further rejection of her previous security and identity. I would perhaps wait until she was older.
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This is something I'm pondering also.
H already has a Mrs H before me and if he marries OW I don't want to remain a Mrs or Ms H while a new woman has taken on the name.
However, I do understand the children side of things also. It's a tricky one. Naturally, a descision we should never have needed to consider.
I'm thinking of legally changing mine. He left almost a year ago so will be free to divorce me shortly. I am trying to be ready for that day if and when it comes. If I do change it I may see if I can still leave my married name in the school contact book so the kids don't feel the full brunt of it.
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My MLC W divorced me, we have two young kids, and she didn't think twice about her taking her old name back. It's her way of showing that she is independent, and for her to be rid of me... even though she is only living on my alimony, child support, and the house I pay for.
It's a blow for me when I read that she wanted that on the divorce papers that were served to me.
It's nice to know that 'normal' women think about the best of their kids when they choose to keep or change their name.
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I am going to present a different side of this issue, not to create controversy or upset or to judge anyone else, but because it is also a reality and another valid point in the discussion of last names. And, as a woman on a journey of healing to reclaim yourself, perhaps this perspective will also be of some interest.
As someone who teaches women's studies and has been passionate about it for a long time, I knew since Junior High School that the original reason that women and children's last names were that of the husband/father was to denote ownership. I understand that that is not the reason 99.9% of the people share a surname today, but it is the history and many cultures have done perfectly fine not having the same surname or even having children and parents share any last name. In addition, it has been much harder to track women through history and family trees (even for something as simple as a class reunion), because they do not keep the same surname through life. Cemeteries and church records are filled with Mrs. John Smiths or other similar names. No one even knows the original first or last name of the woman lying in that grave. She ceased to exist. And if John Smith had three wives in his life, each might be buried next to him with only his name on their grave--equally unknown. I have professional friends who have been impacted career-wise by changing their name when they married, because any prior research and professional successes, writings, etc. are under their birth name and usually no longer associated with them. Then there is the issue of changing driver's license, social security cards and every other record when a woman changes her name at marriage and if she changes it for a subsequent marriage or goes back to her original name.
I experienced a defining moment as a teenager. After years of humiliating affairs, my father left my mother and my sisters and me for his 20-year old secretary. Yes, very MLC cliche. A few years later, my mother remarried, but her second husband's last name sounded ridiculous with her first name. She did not want to change it and was very upset, but never even considered simply not changing it. So when her second husband misappropriated an inheritance to send my sisters and me to college, among other things, my mother filed for divorce. She could not wait to change her name and I assumed she was changing it back to her "maiden" name (which is what I hoped for her own sense of self and for mine as a young woman, frankly). Instead, she changed it back to my father's last name. I was now about 16 or 17 and asked her why she did that. She looked at me with such pain and said, "No one has hurt or humiliated me more than he did, but I don't have an identity except for having been his wife. I am nobody if I have my maiden name." My heart broke for her and other women who feel the same or who have been made to feel the same. Do not assume your children will not understand this. I was much more upset that my mother felt compelled to continue to be Mrs. XYZ, and still is today despite having a wonderful man in her life for 30 years. Because she chose not to marry again--they maintain separate residences as well--she carries the name of the man who divorced her long ago while loving someone else for 18 years longer than she and father were even married.
Certainly, I am assuming nothing about the members of this forum nor anyone's motivation and I understand the tradition and assumed simplicity of having the same surname, but as someone who did not even consider changing my name when I married, I can tell you it has not caused me a moment of regret or complication. Interestingly, I had assumed that D would have a hyphenated last name, but when she was born, H. said he was not attached to his name that way and felt her first name sounded better with my last name and not hyphenated. Plus, he said, "Any man who sees a woman give birth, should know that a child should have their mother's name." :) (That was the man I married and miss).
So, while I understand the emotional connection and what it connotes to change one's name, perhaps there is also something in what I have shared that will be of help to those who really do need or want to return to the last name they had at birth. Something that some women with children do is to change back to their maiden name but continue to use both while transitioning slowly just to the maiden name (not hyphenated, but like: Jane Smith Jones--with Jones being their maiden name). Or list your name in school directories and the like as: Jane (Smith) Jones. It is very commen today for women to keep their own name, for children's names and parent's names not to be the same, blended families, etc. My H. has always had a different last name from our D since she has mine, and it was never a concern or a problem for her, him or me.
Whatever one chooses is a personal decision for one's own reasons, but I would caution any woman feeling forced into changing her name for marriage as a demonstration of love or commitment or feelings that you are abandoning standing or your commitment to your H. Or a man who believes a woman should change her name at marriage "if she really loved me." One has nothing to do with the others, in my opinion and that feels possessive to me. Most men would not opt to change their names to their wife's nor would women expect it. The same reasons apply to women who wish to keep the identity with which we were born.
Best to all,
Ms. Phoenix ;)
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I have already decided to change my surname if H divorces me. There is nothing I wish for more than our reconciliation but I am not keeping his surname if that does not happen. I will not be going back to my maiden name either. I have already picked my new surname ;) My girls are 15 and 13 and are really for the change if it happens as neither of them thinks I should keep my married name. H's mum kept hers and we have always found it odd as she cannot stand her ex. Having the same name makes us no more of a family as H leaving proves. Please note I reserve the right to change my mind at any time as with anything related to this MLC rubbish ::) ;) :)
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I decided to keep my married name until D16 is out of high school ( two more years) It just makes it easier for school right now. And I felt if I did it right after the divorce the kids would feel even more abandoned (even though they said they would be OK with it) . In two years maybe I'll know who the F I am.
It's easy to do just take a copy of divorce with you wherever you want to have your name changed. As a matter of fact since I was married before the lawyer told me I could assume any of the last names I had. But this is New York State :o
My first husband was pissed when I took my name back- I don't know why he screwed around on me and left me. I guess he was just trying to collect women who would have his last name as the next two he went on to marry probably did. His family was very wealthy so he probably felt entitled.
Frankly I never changed my name with social security; so that's already in my maiden name.
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I was "forced" to make this decision when I returned the response to my H's divorce petition.
Apparently, in California (don't know about other states), if you make the decision to change your name when you file the response - there is no cost $$ to do so. Otherwise, if you decide later - you have to pay additional fees.
So, I don't know if it was to "punish" him - or to send a message to him (ridiculous, right?) - but I decided to return to my maiden name - if and when my H's divorce goes through.
My kids are adults. Even though I have been my married name longer than I was my maiden name (20 years as my maiden name, 32 years as my married name) - if this is truly it....meaning we are DONE - I don't want to keep HIS name. I just don't.
Silly? Probably. My work career ONLY knows me as my married name. But, that was the decision that I made. Only my Son will keep the name - the girls will eventually marry and have a different name, anyway.
Just thinking about this entire mess - makes me think of what a jerk my H is! >:( >:(
I need to remember - MLC, MLC, MLC. Unconditionals. Unconditional love.
Right! He's a real A$$!
Hugs,
L
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I don´t have kids and I kept my maiden name all along. If I did have kids, I think I would still retake my maiden name. It would be too hard to carry that burden in addition to the rest of the MLC mess. I´d be tempted to invite my kids to change their names as well. F-´em if they ditch, they ditch the name claim as well- IMHO. This sounds harsh, but your name becomes an integral part of one´s identity.
Faith- how is it going for you?
FTT
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Hi!
Thought I would add my two cents regarding this subject.
When my husband decided to end our marriage and before I read or knew about mlc, I was angry, hurt and wanted to severe my reln with him. I knew at the very least he was having an EA and thought back in 2010, when my world blew up that he was moving on with OW, even though she was married with teenagers.
We were not blessed with children and I may have made a different choice, but I did take my maiden name back at the time of the divorce as a sign of independence. He said I could anything I wanted regarding his last name...how generous.
I do not regret my decision and my coworkers at times still refer to me as my married name because that is how they know me. Back in 2010 it REALLY bothered me when people used my married name, but two years later, I answer to either. It is who I was for 14 years...
odaat
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A great discussion going on here.
Phoenix and Limitless, your posts have helped me think a bit more about this too.
Personally, I don't want the name of a man who clearly does not want me. I have briefly discussed this with my kids and so far seem ok about it. In Australia also, I beleive it will cost me nothing if it's done at the time of the divorce. In that regard, at present I have decided that I will not sign any divorce petition. However, I will tick the box where it asks if H had started a new relationship before he left. He can argue back if he wishes. I will go to court and I am aware I will be divorced if it's what he wants as that is the law here. BUT I will NOT sign out of respect for my vows, my God and my children. It will be ALL his decision.
I made mention of name changes when we married and he was so heated up at the prospect of me retaining my maiden name (I really didn't like his surname but didn't tell him this). At the time I felt it was odd and looking back I'm thinking it was another of his controlling actions as I was to be his 'possession'. Well that's how I've felt.
I've been married to H now 11 yeass out of my 46 years of life so have been known as my maiden name a lot longer. It's just the the people I associate with now all know me by my married name.
SP
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Thanks everyone - great discussion. Stillpraying, when we got married I wanted to keep my maiden name as my middle name (I hate my middle name) and then take his last name. For some reason, even that REALLY offended him! He didn't want my last name anywhere in there. I thought it was weird, but being the dumb 23 year old I was, I let it go and just kept my ugly middle name and took his last name. I should have seen the signs of control back then I guess.
Today I brought the subject up with D17. She said she totally understands why I wouldn't want H's name anymore, but I could see sadness there. She said it wouldn't make her feel any sadder than the divorce already does, so I should do what's best for me. I do agree that it might be harder for D14 though. Maybe I could legally change it, but still use my married name at my daughter's school. I also work at a different school, so it could be awkward telling the kids to start calling me a different name. I have thought maybe it would be acceptable for the students to call me Miss (first name) instead of Ms (H's name) like they do now. Maybe then I could avoid having to explain the new last name.
If I didn't have kids I would change it back without a second thought.
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FTT - thanks for asking how I'm doing. :) I posted a little update on my story thread last night. We're in the pre-trial process right now & it's pretty awful, but the end is in sight. Now that it's clear I can't stop this divorce, I'm ready for the war to be over and to move on in peace. The custody/visitation piece has been finalized, but we'll be going to trial for the financial/property stuff for sure. My daughter graduates at the same time as our trial, and the timing of that makes me really sad. I asked H to postpone the trial for a month to allow D to enjoy graduation without that black cloud, but he refused of course.
Really looking forward to a MUCH brighter future!
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If I didn't have kids I would change it back without a second thought.
Yep with the way my ExH did things; I would have also. >:(
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I can't say for sure but I think if I had kids that were on the younger side, I would probably keep the married name...I don't have kids at all so I'm not sure but that's a strong possibility. With older kids, I would probably have to think about it more...
If I had divorced with no kids, I would change it back to my own name in a heartbeat..no question....I took his name to be a cohesive unit...if that cohesion were obliterated by a D, I'd dump the name toot sweet.
Bon
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I asked h when he told me he wanted a divorce if he wanted me to change my
name back to my maiden name..he said it didn't matter whatsoever to him. I
won't be changing my name because if I did my SIL and I would have the same
name....her first name is my first name. Problem is they have horrible credit and
I wouldn't want to be confused more than we already are. I do hope to be
married again someday and maybe I'll have a different name...or maybe the same
name. :) Just my two cents.
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I ticked the box on the divorce papers that will allow me to return to my maiden name after the divorce is final.
However, by default, with the option to change my mind later, I'm keeping the same name as my children who are all boys. They can't stop the divorce, but I can try to keep as much stable for them as I can.
I'm keeping the name socially that kids all over this town call me, one that makes me swoon every time because it is so sweet and polite and a sign of affection, and that is "Mrs. H-----." I LOVE being called that by my children's friends.
Early after my separation, one of my son's friends started to call me "Mrs. H----!" very excitedly as he always prepares to crack a joke with me, and, as usual, I was very charmed. Then he caught himself and apologized, concerned that he had hurt my feelings. I said with pride that "Mrs. H------" is my identity in my social circle, and I love it that he and others call me this, but he may also call me by my first name if he chooses to do so. Then I thanked him for being so considerate.
And--shame on me--but a very dear friend says it drives her husband's new wife BONKERS that she still uses her married name. The new wife has demanded that my friend cease calling herself "Mary Jones" since she is no longer married to "Mark Jones." Well, the way my friend sees it, she can do as she darn well pleases, and she's not giving up her name if she doesn't want to. She was "Mrs. Jones" first!
OW will never take anything away from me that I don't choose to give up.
I will consider changing my name officially if I enter into a long-term serious relationship, but for now, while my children still have wounded hearts, and are minors under my responsibility, and while I FEEL like it, I am keeping the name I took by choice and with pride. I did justice to that name!
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I am now 2.5 years post BD, almost one year post divorce and 9 months since my exH married the OW and I kept my married name for 2 reasons:-
1. it is the name of my children
2. it is how I am know locally in social and business circles (I have a little chuckle to myself every now and again as the new Mrs was asked if I was any relation to her at a recent networking event!!! How I laughed when my customer called me to let me know he'd done it on purpose just to see her squirm!!!!)
I didn't give it too much thought to be honest but my daughter came home from school advising that one of her friends was very upset as her Mum had changed her name back to her maiden name following her recent divorce. It made me feel sad for the little friend and I realised that keeping my married name was the right thing to do!
I feel as if this topic is all about our identity and reclaiming it following the breakdown of our marriages - I am more than my name and my behaviours and attitude set me apart from the person I used to be.
((hugs))
P
x
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This is a great discussion. I live in Europe on the continent. Everything here is done in my MAIDEN name... I had such a hard time getting used to it, again. The banks, doctor office, all of them, when they call out MRS. maiden name... I used to just sit there, and would jump up after the 3rd. or 4th time that they called out my name.
Tbh, I cannot understand why we women give up our names, nor do I understand why our children take on the FATHERS last name. You know the old saying... MOTHER'S BABY... father's maybe!!! seriously, the one thing we know for certain, that child came out our "V@g!n@'s". I have never agree with we women and our children taking on the fathers names.
I would definitely have returned to my maiden name and I, like Limitless, had been MRS. Stayed for a lot longer then I ever was Mrs. Maiden Name.
I have two daughters. The oldest one, who is Miss Professional took on her husbands name without a second thought. My youngest daughter, and her husband took each others names and they are now both Mr. and Mrs. Stayed Husbands Name... and so are their children. Officially on their birth certificates. I have 3 sons and all of their wives took my sons name.
Personal choice. The idea though of being anybodies POSSESSION makes me gag and if I had thought about that 35 years ago, I would have kept my maiden name forever. ;D
Hugs Stayed
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How's this for backward thinking?
My parents have five children, all born in the 50's and me in the 60's. They gave the two boys middle names but did not give middle names to me or my sisters. The thought was that once married, we girls would use our maiden names as our middle names. And that is what we all have done....just like they wanted.
However, one of my sisters and I both married in our 30's and I thought for a time I would never marry...and it always irritated me that I didn't have a middle name....I was just about to choose one and make it legal when I met my now husband.
Either way, it was quite backward thinking on my parents part but no surprise considering their generation.
No matter how much I consider my husband family, and his family my own now, I wear a family crest pendant with my "maiden" surname....when push comes to shove, that's who I am and proud of it and if this nightmare has taught me anything, its to remember who I am as an individual.
Bon
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No matter how much I consider my husband family, and his family my own now, I wear a family crest pendant with my "maiden" surname....when push comes to shove, that's who I am and proud of it and if this nightmare has taught me anything, its to remember who I am as an individual.
No kidding BonBon... no kidding! I will never forget that again. hugs Stayed
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By my way of thinking, as I am socially, financially, educationally equal to my STBX husband, in no way did I ever feel that taking his name was a sign of giving ownership of myself to him.
Rather, at the time, to me it was a very romantic sign of love and full commitment to him as his wife. Now, to me, it means we are united in the same family under one name. We are "The H---s."
And I guess that another reason, perhaps the biggest reason that I don't want to give that up is because my married last name IS my new identity as part of my family. I still am a member of my family. My children and I are a family.
I don't want there to be a question in a hospital room, or when dealing with a billing or banking issue, or at school, of who I am in relation to my children. Having the same name as them is of social benefit; whether right or wrong, when people see that I have the same last name as my children, I am likely to be questioned less about my proper role.
I earned the right to change my name to my married name, the name of my children. I refuse to give it back. I will always be their mother.
Heck, this conversation has me thinking that I will never change my name for a man ever again, since I will never have another man's children. Any man who loves me will know how much my kids mean to me and will understand how I value carrying the same last name as my sons.
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Ahhhhhhhh Cali, that was really sweet. Made good sense too. Now, I can see more reason for the kids to take on the MOTHERS maiden name, hehehe.
hugs Stayed
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Funny you should say so. I just had a conversation with a Mexican friend of mine about naming culture in Mexico. She says the children always take both their paternal grandfathers' names and hyphenate these; the married woman does NOT change her last name but rather lends one of her hyphenated (I think it is the first of the hyphenated names) to her children who also take their father's first hyphenated name to form a new hyphenated last name.
All terribly confusing to a gringo like me, but lovely nonetheless.
I would go with whatever my culture dictated, frankly. In spite of the high divorce rate here in the US, women are still questioned about their role if they have a different last name than their children. It confuses people. Frankly, it makes me a little sad.
But if I came from a country where it is typical for women to have different last names than their children, I guess it would never be an issue.
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This is a great discussion because I have to make this decision really soon. I originally checked the box to keep my last name (husbands) because I wanted to have the same name as my daughter (almost 3). She won't know the difference since she's so young, but when she's school age, I don't want the confusion with her friends, teachers or on documents. I've lately been more inclined to completely separate myself from H and his family. I'm really torn. OW has a very similar name to mine and if they get married then it would be confusing. It has already thrown people because she took over my role at his office and I've been told that people thought she was me. I've got some thinking to do. :)
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I hadn't really thought about it before, but I'm with Stayed 100% that kids should get their mother's name! We DID give birth to them for heaven's sake!
But other than that, I still haven't decided what to do. Everyone's reasoning on both sides of the issue makes sense to me!! H has been horrible to me for years now. His family completely sided with him in his quest for happiness (and his sister while she left her family at the exact same time). H's last name is VERY common and so is my first name, so it makes for a pretty boring name that's shared with probably 300 other people in my community. ::) The only reason I would keep his name is for my kids...but that's a big reason. Ugh.
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Could you hyphen your maiden name with your married name?
That might give a little more continuity for the children...
Just a thought.
Having children would definitely make me think twice...but since I don't, it would be back to the maiden name in a heartbeat. Bleh!
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There are 5 kids in my family (4 girls)--cousins. My mother had tow brothers, so I was the one with the different last name. My parents divorced when I was 4, but I grew up with both in my life. My mother had not wanted to take my Dad's name, but she did and since she did the same thing when she had a brief marriage while I was in college, I don't think he coerced her. But she took back her maiden name. That meant I was the only one in the main family (except my Great Aunts, Gram's sisters) with a different last name.
My Gram was well known in town and so was my Mom. My Dad had moved there when they married and moved away after they divorced--so he was not known. Gram and Mom were raised there. So I got awards and certifificates and invitations... with my families last name, not my Dads'. But my last name was my Dads'. I love my Dad and would never have done something to hurt him like changing my last name, but had he not been around or even if he would not have been hurt, I would have changed it in a heart beat. Gram had been the secretary at high school--she retired the year after I was born (I'm the oldest). When I went to high school some people knew who I was--either since I look like my Mom or they heard or knew. But when my cousins went everyone (teachers, secretaries) asked or knew who they were. Some kids would be embarrassed by that, not me; I wanted everyone to know I was Grams'; I was so proud of her and who I was.
A lotof kids have different last names than Mom and that can be okay. For me it wasn't about having a different name than her, but having a different name than almost everyone in the family. My cousins on my Dads' side were in town too and the youngest and I were in the same grade and went to high school together--he was and is my protecter. But they were from my Dads' sister, so their last name wasn't ever going to be mine either.
All of us girls are married now and I am the only one that changed her name. Okay, we are all professionals--2 are PhDs. Two had a dad who died when they were young--my uncle who died of melanoma after many years (their lifetime) of legal insanity mental illness. Their parents divorced due to the mental illness--she had to divorce him legally for assistance--my Grandpa encouraged her and that was how he explained the reason to me years later. I know that they are both very proud of our family and name.
I think one of the reasons I did not consider changing my name is because the name I had was not the name I really had wanted and I did not fully feel it within my identity. The other reason is that I want the same name as my children. I think that unity may be more for me than for them. Mothers who are widowed young and remarry are likely to have a different last name from their children and that seems okay.
As for hyphenated names...Um my first name is hyphenated so I'm not gonna add another!
But of course we don't have kids yet (though we've completd the process and the final adoption paperwork should be signed the week after Easter when our case worker's supervisor signs the wiating papers after her vacation!!! ;D ). During the first weeks after Bomb Drop, before learning about Standing, MLC and Divorcebusting, I considered changing my name. I had a meeting at my college's career service department about 3 weeks after Bomb (and even that early it was obvious Sweetheart would leave, I knew I would n't stop him) and I made the appointment using my last name. I went there on a Friday or a Monday I think, because it was only a few days later (a Tuesday I think) that I read Divorcebusting and that, for me, changed everything. I knew then I could STand, I would Stand and that it was MLC--I read the MLC chapter first. From that point forward I did not consider changing my name. But my Knowing that gave me complete assurance in reconciliation was only a few weeks away. Had I been less certain, I might have waivered during the years of his MLC.
I think I might have been even a bit embarrassed to keep his name--especially in a family where I'm the only one in my generation who changed it. We'd only been married 6.5 years at Bomb Drop, no kids and it was not a name that mattered in my professional career. And when I am published in children's writing I intent to use my first name only; for my stuff here--the marriage work--I plan to use my hyphenated initials and last name--his last name.
Regarding changing it after divorce...I think back to the sitcom Who's the Boss. Angela Bower was her married name--her mother was Mona Robinson and thus I assume Robinson was Angela's maiden name. Angela was a high-level professional. She was president of an advertising agency. Eventually she started her own agency and I remember Tony encouraging her to do it by imagining her name as the agency: BOWER AGENCY. And that really bothered me. Someone at her professional level would probably not have kept her married name after a divorce--and I don't think her marriage had been long-term. It just did not fit with the type of person who Angela was.
So what fits you--what identity? That identity might be abouthaving the same name as your kids, or it might be about your kids having the same name as you--is it for them or you? It might be about the name you are known by professionaly if that matters. It might be as Startingoverincali said, part of identifying with the family you choose and part of the marriage commitment.
I am glad my Mom changed her name back. That gave us different names, and I wanted the same names--but not the one I had, I wanted hers. And that had nothing to do with how I felt about my Dad--he will always be Daddy, it had to do with the family in which I was being raised.
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I'm in the same situation as NewMama and just don't know what to do either. My maiden name is somewhat common in the American culture, and my H's last name is VERY common in his culture. I feel like the person I am today though is fully represented by the mix of my first name and his last name and makes it somewhat unique. I was transformed by his culture and language into the person who I am now. I learned his language and it became a part of who I am today. A part of my maiden name IS my D2's middle name and we currently share the same three initials. I LOVED Cali's perspective on it...but she has all boys, who will never change their last names. My D2 will very likely change hers as our culture dictates, when she gets married (God willing) so then what? I just don't know. My aunt still carries the last name of her 2nd H, who SHE cheated on in an obvious MLC (with his then, best-friend). He was such a great guy.
Anyway, I am enjoying reading everyone's perspectives on this. It is an interesting topic.
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Well, there are a lot of perspectives here. For me, I was happy to change my name when I married H, and I have no intention of taking back my maiden name. For one, my FOO is pretty messed up, and I'd rather not be identified with them.... I do use my maiden name as my middle name, and actually now regret that I don't have my "real" middle name instead.... now that's not a huge issue, but it's enough that I don't have any real desire to have that name back.
Anyway, my married name is also my professional name, and the only surname by which I've ever been known in this country, so that is another reason. And the children are the most important one -- like Cali, I never want to have an issue with that.
Also, I plain old LIKE my married name. So much has been taken away from me, I'm not losing that as well. Like Cali, it's my identity as part of my family, and I am part of my family.
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my married name is also my professional name, and the only surname by which I've ever been known. And the children are the most important one -- like Cali, I never want to have an issue with that.
Also, I plain old LIKE my married name. So much has been taken away from me, I'm not losing that as well. Like Cali, it's my identity as part of my family, and I am part of my family.
I feel the same as the above...........i also want to be selfish and if o/w and my h make it..........i want her to know no matter what she is second and always will be ...........so for spite i will keep my last name......some people may think im wrong but i married for life and that means when i changed my name that too was life xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Well, the reason I won't change my name back if we divorce is simple. In fact, it might be too simple and shallow. The reason is simply because I NEVER liked my maiden name. It was awful in my opinion so I do not wish to have it back.
I supposed if this divorce ever comes to fruition that I could change my mind but I don't think I will. But, you are all right, this is an interesting topic.