Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses

Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Rollercoasterider on April 13, 2012, 08:21:25 AM

Title: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Rollercoasterider on April 13, 2012, 08:21:25 AM
I removed the poll since I think you guys are generating much better ideas than were in it. So just keep the creative thoughts coming!
 
I'm revising my entire manuscript right now--my first ever big revision where I print it out and read through-it was 500 pages!!! I've already gone through the first 110 or so and alread cut from 500 to 472 in a week! I am now adding the Low-Energy information to the Separation chapter and revising it to have Escape & Avoid with Replay and Low as types beneath it. When I started the forum I posted a thread considering changing the label Replay to Escape & Avoid. That thread is here: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=65.0;all (http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=65.0;all)

Well, I've decided to do that in the manuscript. I now have Escape & Avoid listed with two types
High-Energy Replay
and
Low-Energy...something.
I have a short list of labels/words, but I'd like your input. I started with Poor-Me. The Replay article is about the Bachelor Party and I think I'll parallel that with the Low-E portion being the Pity-Party. But the descriptive label won't be a precise fit for all Low-E's. Some are clearly depressed and others seethe with rage just beneath the surface. But I do need a good general label. Replay is such a great word because it lends itself to other forms--Replayer. How are you going to do that with misery...miseryer...NO :P
 
I've reviewed the Low-E threads and am now working on articles. What  I need help with is creativity. So if you've got an ides for a label, just post it here. If you really like an idea--in the poll or another suggestion, let me know and why. I was really only looking at the top three in the poll, but thoguth I'd add the list from the thesaurus to give you more options and ideas. I'm only running this poll for 2 days. If it comes down to 2 or 3 I may run another. And of course, the final choice will be mine; it's not somuch aout who likes what best as it is about what ideas you have and why you like a label. I've also given the ability to change your vote.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: OldPilot on April 13, 2012, 08:26:54 AM
So if I am reading this correctly it will be called

Low Energy XXXXXX 

where XXXXX = some other word.

And this vote is for the some other word?

I really like the term Low Energy as it is, but some other word added may make sense too.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Rollercoasterider on April 13, 2012, 08:36:41 AM
Quote from: OldPilot on April 13, 2012, 08:26:54 AM
So if I am reading this correctly it will be called

Low Energy XXXXXX 

where XXXXX = some other word.

And this vote is for the some other word?

I really like the term Low Energy as it is, but some other word added may make sense too.
Yup. I've already gone through the manuscript and changed Replay references. Some I've left if the context is clearly about high-energy and sometimes I call it Replay and at other times High-Energy Replay--which is how I show it in the stages. So I will use the Low-Energy label with another term, but to parallel High-Energy Replay, I think it needs to be Low-Energy Something.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Mamma Bear on April 13, 2012, 08:40:54 AM
 A word that combines simmering rage and self pity and blame?
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Wed2Him?Whatever. on April 13, 2012, 08:49:34 AM
I'm confused.

(What else is new?) ;)

I consider my H to be a low energy MLCer, but maybe I don't have the correct idea about what low energy means.  My H threatened to leave me, but never did move out, or file for a D, or get an OW (as far as I know).  But I feel like Replay is a good word for what's going on with him because he is obsessed with the idea of school days and bachelor parties and youth and booze and endless fun, no responsibility.

Is there no such thing as Low-Energy Replay?
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Mamma Bear on April 13, 2012, 08:51:43 AM
 Wed I think RCR is looking for a cool term for that... ??? who knows? When's recess?  :P  LOL! ::)
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Mac49 on April 13, 2012, 08:53:09 AM
Consequence Avoidance
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Storm Rider on April 13, 2012, 09:01:11 AM
RCR,

I know you are chasing one word, but this is a topic I have been thinking a lot about, and is from the perspective of a High Energy MLcer.. I think the second part of Replay is one of the most confusing areas, as elements of all the stages come through in this stage. For me, Hard Replay is easy to define, its the classic running and avoidance. The second half of Replay is a gradual transition. It starts with the pity party as the Tsunami of replay activities start to catch up, and energy levels start to burn out. We hear "why do I get all the bad luck" at the start of this period. The Replay activities still continue but the buzz has worn off. The MLCer, I believe, usually has a back up plan to pull their life together after blowing off steam, and perhaps they try this towards the end of Hard Replay. But they start to loose control of the ability to do so, and depression seems to hit pretty hard to parallel to this.

Signs of movement through the second stage of replay perhaps start with genuine attempts to take care of practical matters, such as finances. Admitting they are the cause of that mess shows further steps. This seems to eventually open the door to the thoughts that perhaps they actually contributed to the emotional situation too. The further along the second part of Replay they get, the more clarity comes. But to move to the next stage they need to generate enough energy to do so. Increasing depression and  withdrawal, and dips into liminality occur. It is a very grey zone, that seems to often need external events to propell through to the steps. The puzzle pieces start to be seen, but they are not yet in a place to put the puzzle together and move forward, that is the next stage? There can be a lot of clarity while stile in the second part of Replay too. Much movement looks promising, but keeps going nowhere. It is only in hindsight that we know this stage has been moved through.

The first part of replay is High Energy, but the second part for a high energy MLCer can still be High Energy too, just not as high.

To sum it up in one word???? Ugggggg! OK, a better word or phrase? Running out of steam? You are not in Kansas any more Toto? What happened to my green grass on the other side? Lower Energy Confusion?

Something to suggest it is complex and it seems common to see quite a bit of the next phases mixed in too.



Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: JD on April 13, 2012, 09:17:47 AM
May I respectfully suggest the new term be called Turtle-ing.
Just like a turtle, these individuals pull in their limbs and heads and withdraw, burying themselves in the nearest mud-bank. Trying to ride out whatever emotions have thrown their lives into chaos.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Mamma Bear on April 13, 2012, 09:22:55 AM
 wallowing turtle :o
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: OldPilot on April 13, 2012, 09:25:13 AM
Quote from: Rollercoasterider on April 13, 2012, 08:21:25 AM
I've also given the ability to change your vote.

Explain how you do this?
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Rollercoasterider on April 13, 2012, 09:34:41 AM
Ooooo, combining words is interesting…if you can tell what is being combined that is.

Blue rage or Blurage
Morose + Rage: Morage, that might just look like more rage
Melancholy + Rage: Melanrage—but that may look like Black Rage, so Cholyrage OR Cholrage
Misery + Rage: Miserage
Oh, miserage seems the most clear regarding the two words…or maybe miserage and Blue Rage as two words or Blurage.

Blue Seethe
Blue Fury
Blue Wrath
Blue Passion
Blue Anger

Turtling is interesting. I think Withdraw is a good term, but let’s face it, that would confuse everyone since Jim Conway talks about a stage of Withdrawal that follows Depression, but Turtle is a good reference to withdrawing.
Turtle Seethe
Turtle Fury
Turtle Wrath
Turtle Passion
Turtle Anger

Storm Rider,
What excellent points. I’ve already added a brief paragraph that talks about the eventual decrease, but you’ve explained some things well—do you mind if I steal?
Regarding changing votes... I don't know really. But when I created the poll it had a checkbox to select if I wanted to give that option.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Wed2Him?Whatever. on April 13, 2012, 09:37:08 AM
Like Storm Rider said, the buzz has worn off.

It's like a two-stage rocket.  There's this whiz-bang launch, all systems Go full thrust full throttle full power.  Then... separation.

Stage 1, gone.

Stage 2... ?

MLCer reaches space, no gravity to fight them.

Then it becomes seemingly indefinite as to how long they're just going to float out there.  This is how it's been for me, anyway.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Storm Rider on April 13, 2012, 09:50:40 AM
RCR,

Feel free to use my thoughts, they are based on thoughts from quite a few of us watching this stage currently, more on my slow moving thread if you want to read more.

Cheers

SR
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: dragonfly on April 13, 2012, 10:19:58 AM
Good idea to have a word for the low-energy MLC'er. It will be hard to beat the word replay, it is so strong and defines exactly where it is all about.

The word hibernator comes to my mind. Wikipedia's definition is: Hibernation is a state of inactivity and metabolic depression in animals, characterized by lower body temperature, slower breathing, and/or lower metabolic rate.

Or hiberplay? Are they only acting like this when they are with the spouse? Anyway, it is a stage where a lot needs to be digested and they will wake up one day. It takes a long time. In the mean time: Do not disturb! ;)
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Rollercoasterider on April 13, 2012, 10:36:40 AM
Great Idea!
 
Hibernator is another good term.
 
I think the idea is about the paradox of depressive behaviors and seething rage beneath the surface, so I think it may need to be a combo word or both words. So Hiber-rage?  Hiberplay would work like Replay, but the play doesn't fit this time--darn, the word structure is perfect.
 
There are probably some and perhaps many Low-Energy MLCers who don't seem to have the rage, but since so many do, I think it's important to have both components.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Rollercoasterider on April 13, 2012, 11:40:08 AM
Oh my goodness, I just realized that my article on Limbo and Awakening is not online--or I can't find it! So I'm getting ready to post it up to the blog now.
Storm Rider,
I thought it Awakening as I read through your post again. I think we may be talking about the same thing. So keep this thread going to discuss the label for Low-Energy, but I'm going to go start another thread for feedback for the blog post. I will put a link at the blog to the forum thread and alink in the forum thread to the blog. The forum is a better place for discussion. So give it a few minutes and I will soo have the blog post ready, then I'll start the thread.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Rollercoasterider on April 13, 2012, 04:05:25 PM
Another idea: Angry Turtle
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Shantilly Lace on April 13, 2012, 04:15:07 PM
I like the idea of the word wallowing.
The are sitting going over the same thing again, and again.  From all appearances they are doing the same thing over and over (whether monster or nothing) and yet there is still things going on that may or may not be seen.

1. To roll the body about indolently or clumsily in or as if in water, snow, or mud.
2. To luxuriate; revel: wallow in self-righteousness
3. To be plentifully supplied: wallowing in money.
4. To move with difficulty in a clumsy or rolling manner; flounder: "The car wallowed back through the slush, with ribbons of bright water trickling down the windshield from the roof" (Anne Tyler).
5. To swell or surge forth; billow.


It also suits because they wallow in self pity. 
The wallowing turtle. lol

Replay - High Energy
Replay - Wallowing Turtle

BAh ha ha
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Rollercoasterider on April 13, 2012, 04:51:47 PM
I love it! I know it was suggested before, but now, really thinking about it Wallow does sound right--and it has the form Wallower as well.
 
Funny, it's a word that I am so familiar with and yet I did not list it.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: trusting on April 13, 2012, 04:52:45 PM
I also agree with the word wallow.  That is what my H is doing - wallowing in self pity.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Shantilly Lace on April 13, 2012, 05:19:51 PM
Quote from: Rollercoasterider on April 13, 2012, 04:51:47 PM
I love it! I know it was suggested before, but now, really thinking about it Wallow does sound right--and it has the form Wallower as well.


So thanks to Jay Deg and Mama Bear


we have the Wallowing Turtle
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: NoRegrets on April 13, 2012, 11:03:58 PM
Does "Withdrawal" work?

Isn't the MLC'er cycling back and forth to the OW for a fix, and also withdrawing from replay activities? Withdrawal is characterized by irritability and a "tucking in" like a turtle.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Mermaid on April 14, 2012, 04:40:44 AM
Quote from: Rollercoasterider on April 13, 2012, 04:05:25 PM
Another idea: Angry Turtle

This would sum up my H. An angry turtle doesn't run, or attack (unless you get too close), they just withdraw inside themselves.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: WhatJustHappened on April 14, 2012, 04:50:31 AM
I would call low-energy MLC'ers, early in Replay, "The Great Pretenders". Whatever it is going on below the surface, they've got a mask for it.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Mermaid on April 14, 2012, 04:55:26 AM
Quote from: WhatJustHappened on April 14, 2012, 04:50:31 AM
I would call low-energy MLC'ers, early in Replay, "The Great Pretenders". Whatever it is going on below the surface, they've got a mask for it.


That's also true, JWH.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Little Chief on April 14, 2012, 05:11:09 AM
Wallow is great!  I also like Low Energy Atrophy, as they seem to wither away (at least some of them do)
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Wed2Him?Whatever. on April 14, 2012, 08:15:12 AM
Quote from: Little Chief on April 14, 2012, 05:11:09 AM
Wallow is great!  I also like Low Energy Atrophy, as they seem to wither away (at least some of them do)
I really like that one, Atrophy.  High Energy is like a fast-paced destruction, whereas Low Energy is like a withering away of self and surroundings.

Great word, LC!!
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: iloveyoubut on April 14, 2012, 02:49:06 PM
Let me add my vote to wallowing turtle. From what I saw and heard this weekend from my H, it describes how he is feeling perfectly. It is just so sad to read and see this extremely painful situation played out over and over and over. I have been in tears for days. Yes, I know not detached. So, I am on the roller coaster AND wallowing myself as the LBS!
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Gallagher on April 14, 2012, 06:26:12 PM
vacillant storm comes to mind.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Mamma Bear on April 14, 2012, 07:22:22 PM
  Atophied entropy?  Their heads ::) :P
  I do like wallow and I was reading the word muddle. I like muddle too, as a verb for them.
 Everything they do is over-thought and screwed up. Over-drawn, late for everything...panic...rushing...and then 3 hours in the bathroom eating rolaids.....High energy laziness!!    One thing though my H RAN to OWs and took some 401K $$ but that's the only high energy things ::) everything else is frozen molassess I forgot who said that..LMAO!
   He'll be 80 years old and asking me if Ds can sleep over at Bowsers. ;D :)
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Anjae on April 14, 2012, 07:24:25 PM
I think Replay is fine for both, high and low energy MCLers. It would just be high energy replay, more turned outwards, and low energy replay, more turn inwards.

Wallow, wallowing, and other ideas/concepts are all a bit confusing/ difficult to gasp if you’re a non English native speaker Replay is pretty simple to get.

And maybe if you are an English native speaker, if you are a newbie, more terms just makes it more confusing
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Mamma Bear on April 14, 2012, 07:30:53 PM
  But AnneJ, Good to see you again, Replay is so large in the sphere of things. It's where all the collateral damage is accrued. They don't see it til afterwards.
  If sometimes MLCers exhibit manic behavior almost and drive to achieve their 'new life' that's replay. So is sitting on the couch ufriending your beautiful kind loyal wife on FB and she is sitting across the room. Lives at home and sleeps in another room and goes on vacation with new friends, stuff like that. 2 branches I guess of Replay Tree..I don't know ...
  Clumsy Chameleons ??? 
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Shantilly Lace on April 14, 2012, 07:32:14 PM
It may be confusing at first using terms, replay is replay but as we learn more about MLC there seems to be stages within stages, and it is important to define them, for future people if not s much for us.
The more information the better.  Just like we have MLCer


But within that we have


Vanisher
On and Off
Boomerang


and then some of it gets broken down.


The more this is studied the more we will know and be able to help others.  So IF there are stages within replay, why not name it and know what happens.  Knowledge is power
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Shantilly Lace on April 14, 2012, 07:33:31 PM
Hello mama beat me.
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Anjae on April 14, 2012, 07:45:07 PM
Hi Mamma and Hope.  :) Agree, replay takes long and have different states/stages. But why not use Replay and, perhaps had a name in front or before of it according to the stage/situation?...

High Replay/Extroverted Replay?
Low Replay/Introverted Replay?
Stagnant Replay?
And so on?...

Yes, Hope, we have Vanisher, On and Off, Boomerang and then we broke them. But all those terms are pretty easy to pick for anyone (non English native speaker, newbie).

Also agree that the more we know the better. Sill unless you are writing for a community of specialists, things must be simple (not simplistic and poor) and as straightforward as possible. If the aim is to have as many people as you can informed or looking upon MLC and its issues/stages, IMO, simple and effective must be the way go.

PS: ok, thisis probably just the editor wanting to come out and edit everything down to simplicity...  ::)
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: OnMyJourney on April 14, 2012, 09:01:52 PM
I think "hibernator" best describes my H.

OMJ
Title: Re: Escape & Avoid: High-Energy is called Replay, what should Low-Energy be called?
Post by: Rollercoasterider on April 15, 2012, 07:53:14 AM
I have selected Wallow. Just plain Wallow, though introduced initially as Low Energy: Wallow and Replay is introduced as High Energy: Replay. But then I sometimes will leave off the Low/High-Energy and use the single word.
 
AnneJ, I think adding additional names to differnetiate Replay would actually be more confusing--to me it would have the result of exactly what you are trying to avoid. I also want to avoid putting stages everywhere--like stages in stages. It's all a process and if we have a less simplistic outline, it just becomes confusing.
 
So there is
 
Separation
Liminiality
Rebirth
Reintegration
 
Those are stages. Characteristics within separation are
Rejection and Refusal (Conway's Denial)
Resentment (Conway's Anger)
Escape & Avoidance
 
Escape & Avoidance doesn't have stages so much as two types or paths--high and low energy. I like the term Escape & Avoidance because the description of the stage is entirely described in those two words. Replay is a good word, but even it needs more explanation .