Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: NoRegrets on April 22, 2012, 08:04:51 AM
-
RCR, my guru...
If you could take the MLC'er back to his/her teenaged years, how would you counsel him/her?
What would you want the pre-MLC'er to have accomplished or to know about him/herself BEFORE they hit adulthood?
How could you pave the way to a MLC-free adulthood?
-
I think if you asked my H this question he would say, "Don't marry a controlling b!tch who's never satisfied! Make sure you live for yourself and never let anyone change you--be who YOU are!"
Of course, H doesn't have a clue who he is.
But, RCR, you have a lot of insight into the MLC'ers brain. You might know more about them than they do, frankly.
I feel I have a pretty good idea of what happened to H--more than he does.
-
I think it's something they ALL go through and it depends on how trumatic thier childhood was as to how severe thier transition/crisis gets.
But I won't pin everything on the childhood- life conditons as an adult and how they deal with things ( or should I say DON'T deal with things)
Just my 2 cents.
-
I think it's something they ALL go through and it depends on how trumatic thier childhood was as to how severe thier transition/crisis gets.
From RCR's article on Liminality
The cycling gradually diminishes at a rate that is dependent upon the degree of wounding buried in his Shadow. Those with greater wounding have more to avoid
But I won't pin everything on the childhood- life conditons as an adult and how they deal with things ( or should I say DON'T deal with things)
I am not asking this question to answer.....but my question would be this.....are foundational coping skills part of development at an earlier age? In other words, if we don't learn how to cope when we are young, does this carry over to adulthood and potentially lead to crisis?
-
I think that the childhood issues are just one of the ingredients.
Not the only one.
If you are asking how to keep your kids from having one?
Well I would say to LET GO and give them some freedom with some boundaries.
It is too late to do anything about your spouse.
He already had all the mix of things that could go wrong.
Maybe about YOURSELF?
Take things head on, do not avoid.
Be gentle with yourself.
Know that their are no quick fixes.
The best things in life come for those that are patient.
OH and on another subject, my ideas here are all FREE for the taking.
Use what you want and leave the rest.
-
I am not asking this question to answer.....but my question would be this.....are foundational coping skills part of development at an earlier age? In other words, if we don't learn how to cope when we are young, does this carry over to adulthood and potentially lead to crisis?
DGU, I would bet these coping skills are learned at too early an age due to what ever childhood trauma they experienced. The MLCer then continued to apply those same skills throughout their lives, never developing them for an age appropriate response. Then they tried to apply those same coping skills in adult midlife situations, (death of a loved one, PTSD, loss of a job, etc) No six (or 8 or 10) year old should have to try to reconcile what our MLC'rs do, and so like any child, they run, looking for any safe haven to protect them from the big bad wolf they never learned to fight in their adolescence.
-
Yes, my opinion would be that coping skills are learned and/or developed at an earlier age....childhood and/or adolescence. I am one who believes MLC is rooted in childhood trauma and/or lack of emotional development. I think that is why MLC is a regression. It seems that one directly links to the other.
-
That plus their lack of stick-to-it-ive-ness. I remember in college going to school really early to get a parking space. I slept in my car. ;) I hear H tell of how he missed class bc he couldn't find a parking space. ::) A lifetime of underachieving and then blaming external things and people. :P
-
LC hits it right on the head. And yes mama I believe lack of "seeing things through" and wanting to blame everyone and everything else shows the adolesent behavior.
-
Ah this is such a huge question for me...how to reduce the risks of MY children having an MLC in the future. Oooh this has kept me awake and fretting on more than one occasion.
I believe that my exH's MLC is about the ABANDONEMENT of him from when he 15. His beloved Mum died and within a year his Dad had remarried a woman from the Czech Republic (who didn't speak English) and within two years had two more children. The man who was supposed to be there for him walked away...his Dad was too consumed by his own grief etc that he only looked after himself. His Dad had always been a workaholic and emotional abandonment is apparent in how he lives his life even now. It is very clear in retrospect.
OP, your comment about giving children freedom with boundaries sums up very nicely how I believe our children will grow into emotionally healthy adults. I have a very good friend who works with families with difficulties and she counsels me constantly about giving my children 'resilience' - which means lots of love (in their love language helps me!!), firm boundaries, the forum to share how they feel without being judged or humiliated. I strove every day to do this.
My worry about my kids having an MLC in the future has a huge impact on how I move my personal life forward - I don't want to ....in the name of my 'moving on' ......emotionally abandoned my kids to be with a new man. Emotional abandonment has many guises, so focussing on me and my children is how I try and to get some good come out of my exH's MLC. I endeavour to be the 'lighthouse' for my children as they move into those turbulent teenage years.
Only time will tell whether my approach is the right one. The funny things is that my exH did a very good job for an awfully long time of demonstrating that he was 'together' and 'emotionally intelligent' and he was until he started to unravel and that is still one things which I struggle with....this facade that he used for so many years.
Very interesting topic Cali.
OP, my comments and advice are also free - if someone reads this forum and changes their approach to life to a positive as a result of something which has been written here then that's awesome in my view.
-
Oh, lordy, I think about this with regards to my children as well. Like MF, I won't do the emotional abandonment thing; I know something of that myself, so just won't go there.
For the record, my H came from the most loving family imaginable.....
I'm pretty strict on boundaries with the children, I've noticed that they really do need and want firm ones. MF, my children are that little bit older than yours, so keep on doing what you're doing....
I do talk, talk, and talk with them, telling them that it's better to be open about how they feel, and so on. I make sure that if I criticise, it's a behaviour rather than them as people...
I try to be their safe place. Like MF says, my H was this safe place for years and years as well; goodness how it all went pear-shaped....
Like everyone, we do the best we can. I don't think it is all childhood issues, but the foundation for good coping skills is laid then, so that's what I try to do....
x
-
Moving Forward!
My H's situation is so similar.
He was adopted from birth (first trauma) into a family with an extremely dysfunctional father (abandoned at birth by his father, raised by an aloof/preoccupied too-young mother and abusive grandmother, brought home PTSD from the Korean war) and an emotionally fragile, accommodating, socially insecure and class-sensitive (but very intelligent and resourceful) mother. Mom and dad bickered constantly throughout childhood, mother had contempt for her workaholic, highly intelligent but socially inhibited father, who eventually left when H was 15-ish. H's hero gone and bitter, withholding financial support and financially illiterate himself, H and his mother and sister were plunged into poverty. Mom was forced to "abandon" her post as SAHM, was overtly and demonstratively bitter (rightfully so, but at the expense of her children's security) and went to work and school full time. At home she drank and smoked, joined Parents Without Partners (her kids hated this!) and railed against her ex-husband. H and his sister were alone in a sea of seemingly highly successful, wealthy intellectuals, and rebelled as a result, raw with pain, nobody functional to show them the way. H's mother never really, according to H, came to terms with H's MANhood, made comments like, "Let's get a man to clear the roof." And yet, she worked SO HARD to feed those kids, to buy them fashionable clothes, to work with her daughter's learning disability (MIL is a special-ed teacher!) and provide anything those kids needed. It wore her out, but she was very good at providing for their physical needs. This is how she shows love.
H finally, due to perseverance, high intelligence, sense of self-preservation, and his mother's saint-like patience and support, went off to college. He involved himself with a woman who eventually cheated on him and aborted his baby and abandoned him.
H taught himself how to get by, learned how to work and take care of crappy cars, for example, lived simply, moved on. Met me, never really clicked on his side, and the rest is history.
I get it. Not sure he does. He knows he needs to find himself. He never felt comfortable in his own skin. Always felt like he was being chased, judged, though he was very good at so many things. People he works with LOVE him, for example.
My worry about my kids having an MLC in the future has a huge impact on how I move my personal life forward - I don't want to ....in the name of my 'moving on' ......emotionally abandoned my kids to be with a new man. Emotional abandonment has many guises, so focussing on me and my children is how I try and to get some good come out of my exH's MLC. I endeavour to be the 'lighthouse' for my children as they move into those turbulent teenage years.
Only time will tell whether my approach is the right one. The funny things is that my exH did a very good job for an awfully long time of demonstrating that he was 'together' and 'emotionally intelligent' and he was until he started to unravel and that is still one things which I struggle with....this facade that he used for so many years.
MY SENTIMENTS EXACTLY! Oh, how I would love to be in love--but my kids need me. And, truth be told, this is no sacrifice, for I dearly love my kids and have a lot of fun with them. Their love is healing me.
I'm seriously thinking of writing my kids a letter that explains what I know of their father's behavior, perhaps his mind set. I just worry that they feel abandoned and bewildered. I think if they understand MLC the way I feel I do, even if I'm not 100% correct about where my H's head is, it'll hopefully help them understand why their father left. They may always feel resentment, but perhaps a better understanding might help them feel some compassion, and could bring enough clarity so that they won't feel drawn to commit their father's mistake? I remember H complained over the years, ever since I met him, actually, that he was doomed to live his father's destiny--to die alone. I was powerless to do anything. I didn't understand him.
I'm also trying to help my kids with their self esteem--to point out when they do things well, to build their confidence, to say, "Hey, you're good at that." I like when they are sweet to their girlfriends, or make jokes, or help around the house without asking, or challenge themselves to learn something new. Conversely, I want them to know that universally, everyone is a little uncomfortable in new situations, with new people--everyone, I don't care who you are or how famous you are--are insecure in one way or another. It's good to know, it doesn't make you weird or less-than. But one can always make new friends and learn new things and be emotionally richer and more resilient.
-
You know one important thing I want them to know?
That this was not the result of disagreement or arguing. Healthy relationships involve differences, arguing, bickering, disagreements--and approaching these with love and self-confidence and maturity.
I don't want them to be afraid of marriage and family, or of not being perfect. Or of being abandoned, and thus being the first to bail out of a good thing.
-
Wow Cali that is so interesting. What a good writer you are also. I agree about the kids. All the things you said are so correct. My Ds are healing me with their love as well. I hope that this bad event of MLC at least has several silver linings in the long run. Like you said a stronger healthier R with our offspring ;)
My Ds even though they're only 9 and 12 know all about mlc. They help me when I forget. One time when we were talking about H and OW I said "Why do they do that?" and my D9 said "Because they don't know the crash is coming" :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
They see the depression and it looks like a cymbalta commercial. :o
One night on here someone had me laughing so hard...was it KiKi ???
You know the dog with the ball in the cymbalta commercial ??? Owner is staring past the dog bc he is depressed. ::) ::) ::) That really shows depression right? KiKi or whoever said "An MLCer would say 'Time to get a new dog' as if it's the dog's fault the MLCer is too sad to throw the ball and play with him. ::) ::) ::)
I too wonder sometimes how it'll all end up but living one day at a time and trying to be the best we can be is all anyone can do. Maybe one day our Hs will run to catch up, Cali....Oh I keep forgetting you're done with mean Mr.Cali. Maybe he'll surprise you ;)
-
"An MLCer would say 'Time to get a new dog' as if it's the dog's fault the MLCer is too sad to throw the ball and play with him.
LOL! That one hits too close to home, actually! In the midst of what I now know was early pre-Monster cycling, one of our older cats was in the final throws of hyperthyroid. We were just trying to just keep him comfortable, and suddenly H brings home a kitten! I was losing it daily because my old boy was in his final days, and now we had a kitten to train. Since, of course, H has detached from all of our pets, but I couldn't be more grateful to have this kitten (now a huge cuddlebug). So he was a blessing in disguise, but one that TOTALLY fit that stereotype!