Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Tsunami on April 26, 2012, 05:06:19 PM
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Just found this on the web, thought everyone would enjoy reading.
14 Signs That Show if a Midlife Crisis is Destroying your Marriage/Life
A midlife crisis can affect both men and women. And it's effects can be pretty devastating for their spouses because they end up bearing the brunt of it.
The unfortunate thing is that those going through a midlife crisis will vehemently deny that it's what's happening to them. Or, on the other hand, they will laugh you off for even suggesting it.
From experience, observation, and studying the subject, I've found at that they seem to all sing from the same song sheet. Someone suggested that it's like a midlife crisis alien virus takes over their system. Some of the likely symptoms are presented below:
Midlife Crisis Sign #1
First things first, what’s in your mind? Are any of the following thoughts (or something close to) swirling around in your mind, or have you actually said them to your spouse?
I’m not in love with you anymore
I still love you (like a friend), but I’m not in love with you
I never knew anything besides life with you
I have changed
Midlife Crisis Sign #2
Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s go on to the next point. Think about your whole relationship from beginning to this (impending) end: it’s been nothing but frustration hasn’t it? You can’t seem to have any fond memories of your spouse at this time. Even when they did something good, it was just to manipulate you or make you feel bad.
When you think back, all the problems that you’re having now and ever had in your marriage has been because of your spouse. They always made you do what they wanted; you never got to do what you wanted.
Midlife Crisis Sign #3
You’re ready for the next one. Be honest now. Do you really care about how they’re feeling right now or what they want? You just want to separate yourself from all of this “madness”. The crying, the nagging, bullying and the constant questions from your spouse is getting you down. So you feel you need to withdraw emotionally, don’t you? I mean they are their own worst enemy cant they see how happy you are without them?
Midlife Crisis Sign #4
You think that there are some things you always wanted but never got round to getting. You’re not going to wait any more until you can get what you want so of you go and get it. You deserve to do what you want to do NOW – so forget her she doesn’t matter.
Midlife Crisis Sign #5
You begin to wonder what life would have been like with another person. One that put you first – you married a Alpha women and you reckon that if you had been available, all those other women would have wanted you. and think you are amazing and the other women will never criticize you as she does – she is pain in the ass.
So you’re beginning to think about testing out your theory. She won’t be able to survive/live without you but hey you can live without her - and you know your more important than she is and you guessed right., there are loads of people out there who love and want you – think your marvelous.! They laugh at your jokes and think you’re interesting. They actually think that you’re pretty great. They ‘look up’ to you – and someone come along who really listens to you and thinks what you do and say is so clever - you’re her mentor! Oh yes!! Oh such a lie – no one with any sense of self worth makes another person feel like they are amazing – if you can’t do this yourself then stop and look hard at you! learn to love yourself don’t be so needy and pathetic!
Midlife Crisis Sign #6
If you’ve already put your theory to test about members of the opposite sex finding you attractive, you may already have engaged or be engaging in an emotional or physical affair. Good Luck because they won’t match up the LBS (left behind spouse)
You have already in the past tried to ‘control’ your spouse by receiving telephone calls/texts from “some person” you feel that urge to lie to your spouse about – so she is put in her place. You’re the important one aren’t you?
You don’t know why your spouse has to ask you questions like “who was that?”, “why are you being secretive”, etc. When you think about it, what makes your spouse think that you need to answer questions like, “where have you been?” “Who were you with?” , etc.
Anyway, you hate their underhanded sneaking around trying to find about your business. Even if they do produce proof like an inappropriate email or text message on your phone, how dare they invade your privacy? Anyway, you’re going to hold out NOT admitting to the relationship or affair if you can get away with it. If caught out just continue to lie and lie or admit and say she is the love of your life, that will hurt the LBS and get her off your back!
Midlife Crisis Sign #7
You’re not really sure if you want your spouse to go on with life without you. Why should they go on to have a happy and fulfilled life when you feel so frustrated with your life? So sometimes you’re affectionate, not too often because you don’t want to raise their hopes too high. One minute you say that you just can’t live with them, the next, you’re getting them to be loving or make love to/with you. Or, you move out, but come back to check your mail and see the children, or leave your mail still to arrive at home, you have the best of both worlds – wife in the palm of your hands – just fantastic and an Other Women who makes you feel like a king….only problem is…sorry to say…. It’s all in your head the OW maybe a nice women but she is and never will be your wife who is something very special and you are on the way to losing her for good! Clever man, such a star! Just remember when you have the OW as your partner/wife what will you then feel like..wound up in $hits ville I’m telling you – I know I have been there and it is not good – lost my wife, kids, respect and love….took me years to build it back but I was lucky I realized or hit rock bottom and my wife forgave me …..learn from me idiot!!
Midlife Crisis Sign #8
You really don’t want to deal with anything right now, do you? Why does your spouse want to bring you down talking about “issues” or “responsibilities”? You just want to feel good. Why does everyone keep asking to try to be reasonable? Maybe the solution is to avoid all these discussions and people. Why should you do anything that you don’t feel like doing? Just run away from all these disturbances. If not, maybe it’s nonstop running/cycling (what a body - superb shape!) or a new motorbike, or going partying, cool concerts for younger guys or clubbing or join Greenpeace and become soooooo cool or try alcohol and drugs – get attention, make yourself noticed and you will feel marvelous!!. Why not, you’ve been so responsible for so long and life is too short. If none of these work, you can simply ignore all of them and do something else to challenge you. You are happy remember?
Midlife Crisis Sign #9
You spouse wants to go to counseling – some chance its “just to make them feel better” so you say NO!. Anyway, you’re the real victim here. You won’t even try. Your spouse is nagging so you shout at her and say she is the one that needs help she is a horrible person.
Really be honest ..oops that is a step too far isn’t it?
Midlife Crisis Sign #10
You’ve known your spouse for so long that you know what makes them happy or upset. So from time to time you practice doing both. But in most cases, you want to prove how awful they’re making life for you by getting them upset so that they can retaliate with something equally mean or hurtful. So you drop subtle hints about selling your home, taking custody of the children; or you make derogatory remarks about their habits, appearance, family members, their behavior, the list goes on. It's called pushing their buttons and your time with them gives you a lot of ammunition. Anyway, why not, they pushed you to it. ?? No mate you pushed yourself here – look at why your behaving like a cartoon character and destroying yourself? Fix it please??
Midlife Crisis Sign #11
You play the blame game. You can’t really think about any major faults of your own. So you think about and/or say things like:
We don’t go out any more.
All you ever do is work play golf etc.
We don’t have any fun together any more.
I’m not sure I can continue living with you
You never….
I’m not trying to blame you (but by implication you are)
we have grown apart…
Midlife Crisis Sign #12
Your spouse makes some effort to change. They’ve done some soul searching about how they could have done better and start putting some effort into it. But you think, “Too little, too late”. As far as you’re concerned, there’s NOTHING they can do that will change things. All that pleading and begging is getting you down, you just want to move on. In fact you enjoy them being sad, and you tell them that they are mean to you!! and they upset you and your home upsets you – when they are distraught this winds them up even more, and you love it! Again sad man….
Midlife Crisis Sign #13
Despite the fact that you’re not happy about your marriage and you want a different life (preferably with someone else/or on your own); you get really upset if they file for a divorce. Why should they be the one to take the initiative? If you see that they really want to go through with it, you’re going to make things really difficult for them. Anyway, they’re filing for divorce or suggesting a separation shows that they never really wanted it to work in the first place. As far as you’re concerned, they’ve shown their true colors now and you’re going to let everyone know it!
Again…sad man and in denial too
Midlife Crisis Sign #14
The divorce or separation finally comes through (I hope it doesn’t after reading this). You’re now free to do all the things you really want. What a relief, you can now live the life you’ve always wanted. You’re free to date or carry on your affair (if you had already started it). Then you hear that your ex has started or may be starting a relationship with someone else. You’re not sure if you really like it, but of course you won’t admit it.
Months, years pass and you’ve had all the dates, enjoyed your affair to the hilt. You’ve tried all those things that you were always saying “no” to. But somehow you’re still not completely fulfilled. Then you begin to wonder,
Did I make a mistake…?
Was life really that bad...?
Will they take me back...?
My advice is get to sign 14th and grow up and do something soon before the best thing you have ever had in your life moved on forever!!
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Tsunami
That was interesting...pretty much lays it all out there. I think we (LBS) can appreciate what he says but I don't think my H would get the meaning of it or it would make a difference to him even if he read it. It is way to early in his MLC process to reach him. He is lost in Replay and having the time of his life. :(
Thanks, I will keep it and maybe one day he can read it and relate.
Storm
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Hi Tsunami,
Thanks for posting it.
The man who wrote it is very much to the point and also very ironic. Unfortunately MCLers don’t even admit that there is something wrong with them, let alone a MLC… Not to mention that some of us LBS (like myself), did not knew a thing about MLC when our spouses were hit by it…
I guess MCLers only manage to write about the crisis years after they’re done with it… So far there doesn’t seem to be a way of making them prevent the crisis from happening…
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SO good to see this written from a reflecter's perspective. Gives hope that they DO eventually reflect!
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OMG- this guy has quoted everything my H has said to me- I'm going to show this to my therapist, she thinks MLC is just an excuse for someone who wants a divorce.
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Got that in my email today. Showed H and he says it is pretty much spot on.
Still weird how there is such a similar script.
Hugs,
Sassy
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Script script script
where did it come from?
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It was like when I found MLC for dummies and I started ticking off everything in my head. And everything fell into place
I was absolutely floored
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Script script script
where did it come from?
Good question. It seems to be the same script from New Zealand to Europe, passing through Australia, Canada, US, Brazil... It hits countries with different languages and ways.
Maybe Jung collective unconscious theory has a saying here?...
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Wow this is almost exactly my H to a T !!!
This is an excellent article to read, just wish I could get my H to read it !
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Wouldn’t make a difference
not yet anyway.
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Hope Floats, you are right, I found out the hard way, before I found this site.
When I received our disillusionment papers in June 2010, I had my h over to tell him I felt he was going through "something" and I was willing to wait six months to see if he felt differently about the divorce. Altough he looked awful and polar opposite of my love, he said he was scared I was going to ask him to reconcile and said since he had moved out, it was freest he felt in years and we needed to proceed with the d. The next words out of his mouth were: I am so lost, I do not think I am bipolar, and told me how he was crying randomly :o I had found this copy of the 14 signs of MLC and gave it to him at this meeting. He glanced at it and said "you are the only one who thinks I am going through MLC" and I said I am the only one that has been with you for fourteen years and knows you ~ no comment, but he did take it with him.
He matched 13/14 signs.
One Day
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That was nice to read tsunami, thanks.
I like to think of MLC like when I hit rock bottom and quit drinking in 2001. I could have read everything on alcoholism and just thought 'oh that's not me' but it was!!!
Human psychology must have this path of hitting rock bottom for other situations as well. Being taken down and broken so that a person can emerge as a butterfly afterwards. While in the thick of it.... ::) :o ::) ??? :o You can't tell them anything. That's why the "say nothing about the R" works so well. The MLCer thinks he knows how we will react and when we don't it sometimes stops them in their tracks. :o :o :o :o :o
Thank God my sister and BIL have been through this. It's like asking someone who has had a medical condition and successfully navigated it to healing and good health! I'll tell them "Oh H ran away without any notice to live with some woman from the mini mart" :o :o My sister, eating french fries, says "Oh yeah..it happens. Don't worry...crunch crunch pass the ketchup" So nonchalant..she says "MLC sux but it won't be forever" ;D
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It's incredible (and comforting too) that just switching the male to female described in that list comes up with the exactly the same pattern of behaviour. I especially liked this:
"We don’t go out any more.
All you ever do is work play golf etc.
We don’t have any fun together any more.
I’m not sure I can continue living with you
You never….
I’m not trying to blame you (but by implication you are)
We have grown apart…"
Spot on!
And it's true that they *never, ever* acknowledge what is happening as MLC.
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I read this and felt that it was just exactly what my H has been saying for the past 3 years.
I also gave this to H to read ... ( those who know my story, know he's quite a way along but not done yet!)
... he read it and said ... yes that's just like me!
Mmmm ... well take the advice then H!
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Yeah my h to a tee........the only difference is hes now living in $h!te VILLE lol ........i don't think they it makes any difference until their ready to change..........my h admitted being in MLC at least 2 yrs ago...... sometimes i think it gives them excuses in their head to continue to act this way xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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I didn’t quite go so far as to email it to him, but I did put it in my FB and he seems to be able to read it so...
Anyhow it amuses me to think he looks at it and goes what the hell is she on about.
Altouhg I did send to him totally and I mean totally by accident one of RCRs blog entries. it suited him down to a Tee which IF he bothered to read it he may actually recognise some of the behaviours one day, BUt right now my bet is he glanced and deleted lol
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HF,
Wow - your MLCer can read?! I swear to god, my H cannot for the life of him read or comprehend more than 10 words strung together. I put out a piece of paper about cheap tennis lessons for S4 and H couldn't read that. He sat with it and sat with it (it was very clear and easy to read, not even a full page) and then he turned to me and said: "How much is it and when does it start?" OK...
Anyway, thanks Tsunami for posting this, where did you find it? No use in showing it to H of course. A) To long and difficult for him to read B) It really has nothing to do with him or his situation anyway. But I will save it for later.
Have a great day everybody! I'm so glad I found this place thanks to OP.
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HF,
You sent an article to your H, and also posted it on your wall for him to see? I'm shocked, but glad to be reminded we're all human.
Thanks for the read, Tsunami. There really is no words to describe the devastation that happens or the effect on innocent families.
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Tsunami,
Thanks for posting this. Even though I've read it all before it's so helpful to have it summarized like this.
It is shocking how predictable the MLC script is. Even so, though, I still have times, even 16 months post BD, when I doubt, when I ask myself, "Maybe my H just wants out of the marriage and he's not really in MLC."
Then I read something like this and realize all over again, "He's in MLC!"
Thanks again!
TMHP
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No Thundarr, I really sent the article by accident. I have only mentioned MLC once to him. Mainly I have said depressed.
I was looking for the abort button when I realised what I had done. :P
The FB thing well, too bad it's my wall, it is also something a few of my friends will find interesting.
Whether he reads it or not doesn't matter.