Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: LeaveThePastBehind on May 06, 2012, 08:03:04 AM
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Hi everyone! :)
I've been trying to gather information about when a child results from a mid-life crisis affair ( I really do despise that word :-\ ).
As some of you may know, I found out about a child that was born about two months ago. H and I were no contact for a long time but then, suddenly, one day, he got in touch with me and I decided to respond. That was last August. I now realize that he got in-touch with me when he found out the news. We met up two times since then and he never mentioned a word about it. One meeting was just a week within the birth date. I eventually found out from my Mom who knew but didn't tell me.
I'm just curious about how many of your situations have resulted in a child. In, my case, the Op had a four year old son when they met three years ago and H had been saying then, that he wanted a baby ( we were unable to ) and I wonder if this little one was planned ( I feel, in my heart that it was ).
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I guess I want to read more stories to gain more understanding. I do understand how it happened but...
I've received invaluable advice and comfort here for this so far but there's something I'm missing, still.
I know of a few of you but I wonder how common it is? If there is a child, how did it / will it affect your views? Are there certain circumstances in an mlc that make this an attractive option for them ( if it was planned )? How do they really feel about the child? Ahhh, so many things.
Any insight would be appreciated.
Thank you, Sincerely!
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Hi StarGazer, So sorry to hear of even more pain for you! Arrrrgh!
I am always reading up on wgh (with god helps) She has an affair child in her scenario. She handles it with such class and grace. Once she was even bouncing the baby on her knee! And when her H speaks to her he sounds like he's still in love with his wife!!!! ;D
How does your mlcer talk about all this to you? Sorry I get confused by all the drama surrounding us.... :P
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Thanks Mamma Bear! :D
With Gods Help is one of the stories I know of. And also Buggy31, With Hope, Watching & Waiting and I think that's it. I haven't read all their threads yet though.
I haven't had any contact with H about it other than confirmation by him, via email two weeks ago. He said "he's happy to be a Dad. It's the best feeling and that's what I'm in love with". :'( I think he thought I knew about it all along through the grapevine but I didn't.
I guess I'm in the minority. This doesn't seem all that common in a lot of stories.
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I believe Writingmom is another. Neither having a child and/or marrying the alienator seem to be all that common, but either/both do happen in a few situations.
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Star, and I know this is little consolation but it probably doesn't affect the mlc outcome much. He is running and avoiding and looking for a high from some outside thing or person! The lure a new life! He'll still have to go through the whole tunnel and grow and learn life's lessons. ::)
All of our MLCers can choose to live a lie in a fake R with a stranger BUT the ones who successfully navigate through all the damage they have inside and created outside are going to do it even if they have a baby or not. Poor kid has a life of challenges and now this.............. ::) Won't increase their chances of staying together...That's what I think...jus gives ow more emotional blackmail material. Sounds like BLISS! ;)
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Hi,
I am one of the newest member of this group, like you SGG,
I am still stirring in the initial emotions it brings.
I too would be interested in this topic.
I think another couple of members of our group are 'Writingmom' and 'OliveOyl'
WM being the first on the forum I think with an A child.
Big hugs to you
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WritingMom and OliveOyl. Good to know. Odd that I just got the idea to start this thread. ;)
I believe Writingmom is another. Neither having a child and/or marrying the alienator seem to be all that common, but either/both do happen in a few situations.
I suspect marriage / engagement will be the next bomb drop for me. But I'm trying to have positive thoughts and not attract that outcome into my life ( as if I can help it any ). ::)
Star, and I know this is little consolation but it probably doesn't affect the mlc outcome much. He is running and avoiding and looking for a high from some outside thing or person! The lure a new life! He'll still have to go through the whole tunnel and grow and learn life's lessons.
All of our MLCers can choose to live a lie in a fake R with a stranger BUT the ones who successfully navigate through all the damage they have inside and created outside are going to do it even if they have a baby or not. Poor kid has a life of challenges and now this.............. Won't increase their chances of staying together...That's what I think...jus gives ow more emotional blackmail material. Sounds like BLISS!
That's very reassuring, MammaB. I have no idea what goes on with them. To be honest, I've been avoiding the details. I still will not look at pictures of them or search him out via google, etc. I still don't know if that was to my benefit or not. I think, it was best for me to stick to that stance... it hasn't been easy. All I know of them is what he has told me and how he seemed to me on the days I met up with him and also little things here and there that people have voluntarily mentioned to me. He kept all the friends so there's really no way of knowing what really happens anyway. Oh well.
Hi,
I am one of the newest member of this group, like you SGG,
I am still stirring in the initial emotions it brings.
I too would be interested in this topic.
I think another couple of members of our group are 'Writingmum' and 'OliveOyl'
WM being the first on the forum I think with an A child.
Big hugs to you
Thanks for Posting W&W. I feel like I'm always in that 1% group, lol. My situation, it seems to me, is a really, really unusual one, all things considered ie. we met soooo young, he's a vanisher, etc. Now this. It's difficult to relate to many situations as a result but I try. :)
**Thanks for changing the icon! I forgot to.
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Who knows what they think. Your h is totally confused and the things that they do are all based upon the emotional state they are in.
From my estimates, they seem to be a baby involved in less than 3% of the forum members. I thought ti would be much higher considering the desire of the MLCer to have a younger woman and that OW would see the baby as a forced commitment to the relationship. The only thing is that many of the men are older and not ready to play Daddy all over. Also, the forum is not that old so it may be a while for the number to start to rise.
I feel most for the child and yes, the presence of the child forever unites the MLCer with the alienator. There is very little I can say, no good advice except to say that I do understand and feel your pain.
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Thanks Ready! :) It's always good to hear your perspective. Gosh, I have all the odds against me, lol. That just means I'll have to fight harder to get over all of it. On top of it all, he's on the younger age of the spectrum which just adds to all the confusion for me. Again, in the minority in every way.
I do feel like they have a strong bond ( he, Op & little one ) held together by whatever it is that's holding them together.... love, hate, confusion... as you said who knows.
I feel most for the child and yes, the presence of the child forever unites the MLCer with the alienator
This is ultimately the hardest part for me to accept. I don't think it has really hit me yet how this new person will be around long enough to eventually grow up to be a man himself. A whole new life created. Three against one. :-\
Thanks for understanding, Ready. That, in itself, is very comforting to me.
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Hi SGG.....my MIL is one too.........her first h had an affair and had a baby .........at first my MIL would not accept it..she went and smashed up o/w house and even smashed the tv whilst o/w was watching it....because she felt o/w was ignoring her when she went to confront.......today my MIL and o/w and her are best-friends BONKERS i know...my h lost his dad when he 6/7 yrs old and him dying brought o/w and h's mum together for the sake of the child...i asked MIL how she could become friends with a woman who had his child...........she said something changed when he died....i spoke to o/w in my MIL case and asked asked if she regretted doing what she did.........she said YES she didn't realize just how hurt MIL had been til o/w's h left her for an o/w.................from what the o/w in my h's case told me she said my h wanted another child they had planned it.....my h still denies it he said she was obsessed with the baby thing but never thought it would happen as o/w had trouble conceiving in the past........I don't know whether it was or wasn't it doesn't change the fact that the baby is here..........i just see the baby as a distraction for my h ............whilst hes concentrating on the baby he can push his issues away.........but he cant push them away forever..........and as i see it the baby wont be a baby forever.........if he can leave his kids after so many yrs together then he wont have problem leaving her when he realizes that the baby isn't the answer............at the minute the MM stays through guilt and emotional blackmail mixed in with infatuation chemicals even that doesn't last..........and then poor baby or child/toddler by then becomes the weapon that o/w had him for............its a sad situation but one day it will end and i know it xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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I think I'd ask him if he's had the baby's DNA tested.
Hey- with these tramps the child might not be his.
I know for me had EXH had a child with the tramp he was with I would have been done, done done!!
The only redeeming value the skank had was she was my age ( already gone through the change) and he had a vasectomy years ago. Although I heard she lied to the next guy she was with and told him she was pregnant. ::)
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My sitch resulted in a child btw H/OW. OW was pregnant 2 months after H moved out. She became pregnant during a time when I was getting some touches and goes so I believe she sensed something going on with him. My H moved out 6 weeks after the birth of our third child and first son. OWs baby girls was born two weeks before my son's first birthday.
My children see H and OW and her kids a lot and hardly ever talk about the baby which is very strange for my children..very. I really don't think they do much to integrate this child with the other children. It makes me very sad for this baby...very. My children have me but this child has no adult in her life. I pray for her constantly. It makes me so upset at how selfish H and OW are but the baby is here and she will have a connection to my children and I really want that to be healthy.
In the beginning I could not look at this child..I could not stomache any of it but with time and healing I see her as a child of god..really.
This is not easy and I can't even imagine in your sitch where you could not concieve together...they are so hurtful MLCers...and so messed up..I'm sorry you have to go through this and here if you ever want to PM me.
I haven't posted in awhile but you can find my latest thread and previous link threads if you search "fire in my belly".
HUGS
BUGS
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Hi SGG.....my MIL is one too.........her first h had an affair and had a baby .........at first my MIL would not accept it..she went and smashed up o/w house and even smashed the tv whilst o/w was watching it....because she felt o/w was ignoring her when she went to confront.......today my MIL and o/w and her are best-friends BONKERS i know...my h lost his dad when he 6/7 yrs old and him dying brought o/w and h's mum together for the sake of the child...i asked MIL how she could become friends with a woman who had his child...........she said something changed when he died....i spoke to o/w in my MIL case and asked asked if she regretted doing what she did.........she said YES she didn't realize just how hurt MIL had been til o/w's h left her for an o/w.................from what the o/w in my h's case told me she said my h wanted another child they had planned it.....my h still denies it he said she was obsessed with the baby thing but never thought it would happen as o/w had trouble conceiving in the past........I don't know whether it was or wasn't it doesn't change the fact that the baby is here..........i just see the baby as a distraction for my h ............whilst hes concentrating on the baby he can push his issues away.........but he cant push them away forever..........and as i see it the baby wont be a baby forever.........if he can leave his kids after so many yrs together then he wont have problem leaving her when he realizes that the baby isn't the answer............at the minute the MM stays through guilt and emotional blackmail mixed in with infatuation chemicals even that doesn't last..........and then poor baby or child/toddler by then becomes the weapon that o/w had him for............its a sad situation but one day it will end and i know it xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wow, what a crazy situation that turned out to be with your MIL. And the fact that your H & ow planned the whole thing, :( that's what I suspect in my situation, as well. I wish I could, at least, know from him (H) if part of his issues is that we could never have one of our own but I will not ask and he'll never give me the truth, especially anytime soon.
I think he'll be a good Dad though. I don't know. I could never wish bad for the baby so that translates into, I hope H wakes up soon and is a good dad - for a lifetime.
I think I'd ask him if he's had the baby's DNA tested.
Hey- with these tramps the child might not be his.
I know for me had EXH had a child with the tramp he was with I would have been done, done done!!
The only redeeming value the skank had was she was my age ( already gone through the change) and he had a vasectomy years ago. Although I heard she lied to the next guy she was with and told him she was pregnant. ::)
I was thinking of that too, In This, Dna test, that is. I doubt someone else is the dad in this case but there is that possibility. I wouldn't bring that up to him though. I'm in between a rock and a hard place as he pretty much vanished again and won't talk to me.
I know for me had EXH had a child with the tramp he was with I would have been done, done done!!
The thought never even crossed my mind that this could happen. I mean, it did, but he told me once, a couple months after he left "just don't have any kids." as in, for me not to go on with my life and have kids. :o I would have thought that I would be done too. I guess I am, anyway, he's already made that decision for me.
My sitch resulted in a child btw H/OW. OW was pregnant 2 months after H moved out. She became pregnant during a time when I was getting some touches and goes so I believe she sensed something going on with him. My H moved out 6 weeks after the birth of our third child and first son. OWs baby girls was born two weeks before my son's first birthday.
My children see H and OW and her kids a lot and hardly ever talk about the baby which is very strange for my children..very. I really don't think they do much to integrate this child with the other children. It makes me very sad for this baby...very. My children have me but this child has no adult in her life. I pray for her constantly. It makes me so upset at how selfish H and OW are but the baby is here and she will have a connection to my children and I really want that to be healthy.
In the beginning I could not look at this child..I could not stomache any of it but with time and healing I see her as a child of god..really.
This is not easy and I can't even imagine in your sitch where you could not concieve together...they are so hurtful MLCers...and so messed up..I'm sorry you have to go through this and here if you ever want to PM me.
I haven't posted in awhile but you can find my latest thread and previous link threads if you search "fire in my belly".
HUGS
BUGS
Oh, Buggy :( . I hadn't read your story at all, yet. Incredible situation and so very sad for you and the little ones. I worry a lot about the child, too. I put off having a child of my own because I had sooo many hangups about it. Most of all, I worried about providing a child with the best that I could and I knew I wasn't ready. I care about kids so much. I hope, at least, that this baby is in a decent environment.
I still have not looked at a picture of the little one. I have no way of knowing anything that goes on with them other than doing a search on the internet and that's just something I won't do. I've chosen not to see what they selectively put out there for me to see. I don't know his name.... I don't know who he looks like... I'm imaging he looks just like him. But I won't look. It'll do me no good.
I think this child was planned. H had a taste of being a step-in dad to Op's other boy ( 7 years old by now ) and I guess they wanted him to have a playmate and H wanted one of his very own.
What a sad thread. (( Hugs )) to all of you and thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.
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Hi Star,
I’m so sorry for your pain.
For me the decision if my husband had a child with OW would be easy (but hurtful): he should stay with the child mother. We have no children, the baby is not to blame and will need both mum and dad. I would be sad we never had children but would not be happy if, when the crisis was over, he would be leaving the mother of his child and wanting to be back with me.
The thing for him to do would be to divorce me and marry her. After all he has been gone for years.
If I were already divorced I would no longer consider my husband had a baby with OW since, after divorce, he would be my ex-husband.
I know a man who had a MLC affair, went and live with OW, divorce his wife –with whom he had a daughter -, married OW, had twins with her. The marriage to OW lasted two years, according to the man “the worst two years of his life”. He divorce second wife, former OW, and wanted to be back to the first wife. First wife had moved on and remarried and did not want to have him back.
But his love for his twin sons never died. He loves them as much has he loves his first, much older, daughter. He says they all are his children. That he was the one who messed up, not the kids.
Hugs, A
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Hi SGG. My H has a baby with ow. He didn't want it and now that the fog is lifting he is totally miserable. He told me how she manipulated the whole situation and he had no say.... Still the victim he is. He seems to be hoping ow will leave him and take the baby. I don't know anymore, I have gone no contact and have been working on getting on with my life. He says he can't leave the baby, he still loves me, bla blah blah. I dont want to raise anymore kids, Im ready for a little bit of freedom. So, our lives going where ever the journey takes us. It is difficult to fathom, I frequently forget my boys an 11month old sibling....my boys forget too and don't want much to do with their dad and his new life.
We are healing and moving forward, it gets better little by little, day by day.
Hugs to you!
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Wow, I must say you ladies have my utmost respect and love for dealing with this pain. As for my wife if she ever got pregnant by some pos dirtbag OM, I think that would seal the coffin shut and close the door. Like Annie J said, not sure I would have THAT MUCH LOVE for my wife to even think of forgiving her. From the grapevine I heard in early BD when she had a OM (and I confirmed she did) she was not using protection. Her BFF told her she was playing with fire due to STDs and possible pregnancy. Wifey does not know that I know this and yes, my STD test I took many months later was clear (thank God). I know her boys from previous relationship and our boys would not want a single thing to do with any love child/affair child. This is a worry and fear I have of my wife doing something this stupid. Well, at least if she did and we divorced, she would be paying child support to me which I know is an ego crush for her.
My hugest hugs for all of you!
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Hi Star,
I’m so sorry for your pain.
For me the decision if my husband had a child with OW would be easy (but hurtful): he should stay with the child mother. We have no children, the baby is not to blame and will need both mum and dad. I would be sad we never had children but would not be happy if, when the crisis was over, he would be leaving the mother of his child and wanting to be back with me.
Hugs, A
Hi Annej,
Thank you. I've always loved the way your truth darts are more like truth arrows, lol.
I feel the same. There's really nothing I can do. I feel like I was permanently ejected from his life and even if he were to ever change his mind ( I doubt it ), the Op is always going to be there with more authority and a tighter hold on him because of this bond. I do believe that all children should remain in a stable home where both parents can raise them. It's the type of family I grew up in and it means a lot to me. Somehow, for some reason, I do think they will remain altogether.
There goes my happy ending ( with him ).... fading away with his new family into the sunset... ugh.
Thanks for sharing that interesting story. Life is really crazy isn't it? Twins with an Op and then he wanted to return? It's unbelievable.
Hi SGG. My H has a baby with ow. He didn't want it and now that the fog is lifting he is totally miserable. He told me how she manipulated the whole situation and he had no say.... Still the victim he is. He seems to be hoping ow will leave him and take the baby. I don't know anymore, I have gone no contact and have been working on getting on with my life. He says he can't leave the baby, he still loves me, bla blah blah. I dont want to raise anymore kids, Im ready for a little bit of freedom. So, our lives going where ever the journey takes us. It is difficult to fathom, I frequently forget my boys an 11month old sibling....my boys forget too and don't want much to do with their dad and his new life.
We are healing and moving forward, it gets better little by little, day by day.
Hugs to you!
Hi OliveOyl,
Thanks for posting! It's very interesting to hear all these different situations. They really are all very different...
One thing that you all have in common, I see, is that you are all Mom's already ( Happy Mother's Day! :D ). Other than that, all the details are different.
Olive, I have to go read your thread, as well. H pretty much said the same to me ie. he meant all the lovely-dovey things he said to me ( while never mentioning a word about this ) but has to be there to "take responsibility for his actions". Really, there's no other way, anyway. Ugh! I just have to accept the fact that it's done. There's no way around it.
Wow, I must say you ladies have my utmost respect and love for dealing with this pain. As for my wife if she ever got pregnant by some pos dirtbag OM, I think that would seal the coffin shut and close the door. Like Annie J said, not sure I would have THAT MUCH LOVE for my wife to even think of forgiving her. From the grapevine I heard in early BD when she had a OM (and I confirmed she did) she was not using protection. Her BFF told her she was playing with fire due to STDs and possible pregnancy. Wifey does not know that I know this and yes, my STD test I took many months later was clear (thank God). I know her boys from previous relationship and our boys would not want a single thing to do with any love child/affair child. This is a worry and fear I have of my wife doing something this stupid. Well, at least if she did and we divorced, she would be paying child support to me which I know is an ego crush for her.
My hugest hugs for all of you!
Thank You Moc! It is definitely very painful and very difficult to deal with. Especially, at least for me, I spent so many years with him but we just never were blessed with a child and obviously the problem there was in me, not him. It's a very emotional set of feelings I'm trying to live through right now.
I guess the loving enough part, for me, comes down to believing ( or not ) is this really mlc? Is he really so confused right now or are these just his decisions? I really wish I knew for sure but I think he is going through something. I could be totally wrong though and I could just be wasting too much energy believing it.
I can't say for sure what my future holds. I don't know if I'll ever even hear from him again. I do care about him, mostly if he's not well. The whole situation is just... sad.
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There goes my happy ending ( with him ).... fading away with his new family into the sunset... ugh.
That is how I am feeling at the moment.
Bit of a down day today.
HUGS
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Sorry you're having a down day W&W. This is really tough!
Buggy, I just noticed that your H is on the younger side mlc like mine. That's interesting. hmm.
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Hi Star,
Thank you. I've always loved the way your truth darts are more like truth arrows, lol
Oh mine, truth arrows rather that truth darts… ;D maybe that is because was never good at darts but liked bow & arrow when a kid. ;D ;D ;D Myb husband should beware or I may trespass him with a few arrows. ;D ;D ;D
I feel like I was permanently ejected from his life and even if he were to ever change his mind ( I doubt it ), the Op is always going to be there with more authority and a tighter hold on him because of this bond.
With a baby, unless the other person turs their back on the child, there is no way they are ever going to fade from view. You were not eject from his life, his MLC eject him from your life. Probably even from his own life...
There goes my happy ending ( with him ).... fading away with his new family into the sunset... ugh.
It was a very hard blow but now you’re going to write your own happy ending. :) You know a LBS recovery takes time and we have to go one day at a time but a time will come when you start to feel really strong and hoping for a brand new life for you. :)
Life is really crazy isn't it? Twins with an Op and then he wanted to return? It's unbelievable.
Tha man told me his story when he heard of husband. He and his first wife knew us since we were 17/18 and when we were young we always had them has one of our role models as far as couple were concerned. We moved to another town and I was amazed, after return, to find out what had happened to them. The man now has nothing but praise for his first wife and still hopes that, one day, he can get back together with her…
Hugs,
Anne
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Since I'm in this small, but horrible little minority group, thought that I'd put my two-cents in too. I truly thought that, in my situation at least, my last "hold" on my H was that I was the mother of his child. I didn't expect a tramp, who is already a grandmother, to try and trap him with a baby...but she is the lowest of low and she did just that. He was obviously a VERY willing participant in the game and will soon, sadly reap what he has sown. I truly do feel for the little baby that will be born of an adulterous affair and also be a half-sibling to my dear little D2. It was a final deal-breaker for me and it did cause me to end my stand...for good. I honestly feel like it is giving me the closure that I needed to move on with my life once and for all. I WISH that is was not the case...so badly...but, it is. I realize that he will forever be in my life, since he is the father of my D2, but I could not deal with the other child on a constant basis and with OW always in the picture for the rest of my life...if my H ever did/does wake up. Just can't do it.
I don't know what it must feel like to not have shared children with your H and have them leave and have a child with OP. It does put a different spin on it from my own situation even. You have to do what is in your heart though and if it's leading you to move on, or stand....you need to follow it. Everyone is different and there is no hard and fast rule for every situation. I just know, for me...DEAL-BREAKER!
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Hi With Hope! :) Welcome back from your break. It's necessary, at times, to take breaks from being online. I do it all the time.
This new ( not really new anymore ) development in my situation, deep down inside of me, is a deal breaker, too. There's absolutely no way around it. It wasn't even my choice - he obviously broke the deal on his own.
It has been a long, numbing process of letting go. I haven't made that concrete decision to myself stating "I give up" but I don't even have to say that to myself. I know this is a healing process and it's gradual.
I don't know... today I am very numb. I feel empty. I can't even access my feelings.
I do feel like they had quite the celebration yesterday ( Mother's Day ) - He as a new dad and Op, mom to his first child. That's just what I feel. I do feel like he was feeling a tiny bit of guilt though, as he emailed me yesterday about meeting up in person; he responded to an email I sent him weeks ago asking if he'd like to meet in person. He simply said "yes". I didn't answer. What did he even expect me to say? ???
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Star, may I ask if you still want to meet him in person? If so, I believe he is expecting you to say you want to meet him in person.
But, if you meet in person, what will be the purpose of it?
Hope you’re feeling better.
Hugs
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Hi Annej.
I wouldn't mind meeting up with him if I got the feeling that there was some sincerity in his very late... word, lol, but the vibe I got from him with that simple email was that he was only feeling a little guilty for that brief amount of time yesterday. I think he got over it already, now that the day is over.
If I ever do meet him again... I hope we could talk about why things turned out the way they did for us/him. That's taking into consideration that I believe he's having an mlc and I hope he wakes up one day. That day may never come or maybe he was never having an mlc to begin with.
I am feeling better :) but mostly I'm very, very numb about it. I still haven't completely accepted it but I guess acceptance is inevitable. It's hard.
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Hi SGG
Hope you are okay. I understand about being in the minority as I feel I am too. I really feel for you in this situation. Although our situations are different they are also very similar. Its like being kicked when you are down so much that you become numb. I'm beginning to think it musn't be meant to be.
My h left me and our 4 children (all planned), the smallest was age 2 at the time saying he never wanted 4 kids, people dont have 4 kids in this day and age, didnt want that kind of life etc. etc. - He has now saddled himself with another! (almost anyway ow is approx. 5 mth preggers). I know he DID NOT want any more but I also know he would never admit that.
The funny part is I know that the ow wanted a baby in Jan 2011 because she told some of the team that worked there that she had the contraceptive pill thing removed from her arm at the hospital and this got back to me as my niece works there, it was common knowledge! (this was just before my h hooked up with her).
On finding out about the affair last September my son warned him and me and her ex boyfriend whom she already has a child with that she was trying
to trap him, however we were all the liars and she as honest as the driven snow!!
If it wasn't so sad it would be laughable. I am beginning to agree with some of the people who have commented on your post though about no going back etc. as the pain is immense and it stings so bad. I loved him loads but unsure if I love him enough. Would be so funny if he left her too but i still only see them walking into the sunset - this time witha pram in tow!
There is still a chance that the ow trapped your h/bf too. I am so annoyed he is causing you such pain. Please inbox me anytime with your thoughts'.
Hugs to you
SYBG
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Hi Star,
Hope you’re feeling better. Would say your husband is not yet on the point of sincerity.
He is most likely having a MLC but no one knows how long it will take. Maybe your conversation with him has to wait?...
But, for now, worry and look after you. Let him be.
SYBG, I think many times OW will become pregnant has a last resort, or has a way of ensuring the MCLer will, in the future, be by their side.
It is like when a couple is having troubles in the marriage and decides to has a baby to sort the issues in the marriage. Having a baby to sort issues in a marriage never works. Having a baby with OW never works, it only brings more mess into the picture and often condemns the MCler to remain with OW, they wanting it or not.
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Hi, since you've been gone. I'm doing better, thank you, but still somewhat in disbelief, to be honest; I'm a slow learner, lol. It's going to take a while for me to get over this completely or close to it.
I can't even imagine myself having four, planned children and having him leave with the youngest still being an infant. :-\ I'm so sorry you're going through it! That's like being on the opposite end of the spectrum regarding children involved in mlc. Sometime's, I don't even know if not having any children with him was a blessing to me. ??? It's a really tough idea for me to grasp... the what if we did have kids. All I know is that it hurts that I don't. It's hurts very badly either way, I guess.
At the very least, you know, almost certainly, that that Ow trapped your h since you know that she was trying to have a child already. I have no clue if that was the case with H. I think they planned it together though because, prior to bomb drop, he kept mentioning that he wanted a little one around. So, maybe that was part of his whole plan... find someone that will make a good mom. :( I have no idea. I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone. ::)
Hi Annej. :) I think, by the way he responded with such brevity and so late, it was not sincere but he did sent another email today asking if I "still wanted to talk". I really have to think about it... a lot. I can't decide if I want to tell him &^%& you or what. I've been praying for some guidance... and I have nothing. I have no pointers whatsoever. I have no strong feelings either way. I'm just numb and maybe dumb, too, lol.
It is like when a couple is having troubles in the marriage and decides to has a baby to sort the issues in the marriage. Having a baby to sort issues in a marriage never works. Having a baby with OW never works, it only brings more mess into the picture and often condemns the MCler to remain with OW, they wanting it or not.
I wonder if he was the one who thought to himself "this isn't the greatest relationship" ( I have no idea if it is or not ) "but maybe I can get a baby out of the deal"? I think he just wanted a baby-mama/friend with benefits. :o
It occurred to me that RollerCoasterRider didn't have children with her H before his mlc. I wonder what she would have done had her H's mlc resulted in a child. I wonder if that would have been a deal breaker for her.
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Hi Star, :)
Looks like your husband is wanting to see you and to talk. Now it is up to you. But you do not have the obligation of doing it. What I think you will have to do is, in time, to tell him what you have choose to do. And I think it is ok to say, if that is what you feel, that no, not know. Now I no longer want to talk to you, I need time to myself and to think. I’ll let you know if/when I’m ready to talk.
You know your husband better than anyone so if you think he just wanted a baby-mamma/friend it may be possible. Just someone to have the baby with and then, one day, go back to Star? Who knows what is going on their heads… But I think usually it is OW who plays the baby thing. Not always, of course.
If I remember well (it is somewhere in the articles but I’m not DGU so can’t remember exactly where) RCR had, at a point, decided that if her husband would have a baby with the alienator she would be up to adopt the baby. But adopt a baby, of course, implies the mother allows for it.
In the past many men would return home, because they have been working away for a long time, because they have went to war, because they’ve had a MLC, because they’ve had a lover/affair and bought the love child home to be raised by the wife. I know some of those cases. Old ladies whose husband’s had bought home the love child. Some of those ladies had children of their own, some did not. But the times were different, usually the chidren were for a woman of an inferior social class that would have no means of raising the child.
Anyway, it is up to each of us to do what is best for us and what we want. We are only here to help and provide guidelines for each others, not to tell “you cannot accept your husband back because he had a child with OW when in MLC”.
Hugs,
A
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I remember one time my H (this was pre-BD, mind you) and I were discussing this sort of thing, about people wanting and having children so casually these days. I asked something like Why would a man want a child with a woman he knows he's not going to have a permanent relationship with? And my H was like Oh that is an easy one. He's creating a long-term booty call. I was like ??? and he explained to me when a man has a babymamma there's always a place to go when the woman he REALLY wants is for whatever reason not available to him. I said But won't she hate him? He said No, she has a daily reminder of him and it keeps those feelings of what could've been around so he can play on them. Cynical but true in many of these cases I guess. What is a bigger ego boost than knowing someone is gonna always open the door to you? He won't care that it's desperation not forgiveness.
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Hi Star, :)
Looks like your husband is wanting to see you and to talk. Now it is up to you. But you do not have the obligation of doing it. What I think you will have to do is, in time, to tell him what you have choose to do. And I think it is ok to say, if that is what you feel, that no, not know. Now I no longer want to talk to you, I need time to myself and to think. I’ll let you know if/when I’m ready to talk.
You know your husband better than anyone so if you think he just wanted a baby-mamma/friend it may be possible. Just someone to have the baby with and then, one day, go back to Star? Who knows what is going on their heads… But I think usually it is OW who plays the baby thing. Not always, of course.
If I remember well (it is somewhere in the articles but I’m not DGU so can’t remember exactly where) RCR had, at a point, decided that if her husband would have a baby with the alienator she would be up to adopt the baby. But adopt a baby, of course, implies the mother allows for it.
In the past many men would return home, because they have been working away for a long time, because they have went to war, because they’ve had a MLC, because they’ve had a lover/affair and bought the love child home to be raised by the wife. I know some of those cases. Old ladies whose husband’s had bought home the love child. Some of those ladies had children of their own, some did not. But the times were different, usually the chidren were for a woman of an inferior social class that would have no means of raising the child.
Anyway, it is up to each of us to do what is best for us and what we want. We are only here to help and provide guidelines for each others, not to tell “you cannot accept your husband back because he had a child with OW when in MLC”.
Hugs,
A
I responded to him last night and said "we should" ( have a talk, that is ). I kept it as short as possible to mirror him. What will I get out of talking to him...? Probably a headache! I may not get any answers from him at all but I want to know what he has to say now that it's all said and done. :-\ I definitely know that I don't have any obligation to listen to him. This is for me. Nothing can ever change what he did but one thing I want to know is if me not being able to give him a child was part of why he left. He probably won't give me the real answer but I want to ask him anyway. That's not a question I can ask through email but it's something I would like to know.
I do think he gets along pretty good with the Op, I don't know. I think they're friends. I feel like he wanted someone to hang out with who will allow him to do whatever he felt like doing. With me, I always tried to hold him accountable when I felt he hurt me. Perhaps I did that in all the wrong ways but I did the best I could. I guess for him, it wasn't fun.
That's very interesting about RCR saying she considered that outcome and would have adopted the child, if it came to that. :o That sounds almost... impossible. I would really like to read more about that just to have her perspective on the issue. I don't think I'd ever be capable, in any way, financially, emotionally, mentally, be able to get through something like that, personally.
I remember one time my H (this was pre-BD, mind you) and I were discussing this sort of thing, about people wanting and having children so casually these days. I asked something like Why would a man want a child with a woman he knows he's not going to have a permanent relationship with? And my H was like Oh that is an easy one. He's creating a long-term booty call. I was like ??? and he explained to me when a man has a babymamma there's always a place to go when the woman he REALLY wants is for whatever reason not available to him. I said But won't she hate him? He said No, she has a daily reminder of him and it keeps those feelings of what could've been around so he can play on them. Cynical but true in many of these cases I guess. What is a bigger ego boost than knowing someone is gonna always open the door to you? He won't care that it's desperation not forgiveness.
I could definitely imagine him / them in this type of relationship dynamic. It's so sad. It's a pathetic way to live. Bleh.
He never did get back to me either. ::)
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We should?... ::) Really? ::)Or I (you) want?... ;) Star, are you sure you want to ask him if you not being able to give him a child was the reason for him to leave? What if the answer is no? You will be looking for something else. What if it is yes? If it is yes, how si that going to make you feel any better? Why do want to know? To beat yourself up? Or because it will bring you some closure?
He may get along pretty well with Op. At least for now. All is still very fresh, new baby. But in every couple life there are good and bad times and you know it. Can’’t see anything good it allowing a partner to do whatever they feel. Whatever you have done or not done would always be a problem. Remember you are not the problem, the crisis is.
I think that was what she wrote, yet. It is somewhere on the articles of the main site or on a blog post. Maybe DGU can help you finding it out.
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Yeah, I know. ::) And it took like 2o minutes to think of those two words too, lol. What can I say? I do not possess the gift of good communication. I meant that 'we should'... we should talk.
I think he'll say "no". He'll say, as he said when I spoke to him last time, that this has nothing to do with me. But still, I would like to see what he says.
Why do want to know?
I just feel like I deserve some truth. This is a huge question for me. I gave him / our relationship so much of myself but I was unable to give this to him and to me. My only agenda is to get the truth which, I understand, I may never get. His truth has always been elusive to me... He was always very secretive with his emotions, etc. Maybe he learned something in all of this and maybe he'll finally be able to say something to me, maybe not, maybe not yet.
He may get along pretty well with Op. At least for now. All is still very fresh, new baby. But in every couple life there are good and bad times and you know it. Can’’t see anything good it allowing a partner to do whatever they feel. Whatever you have done or not done would always be a problem. Remember you are not the problem, the crisis is.
I have a very vague idea about what they might be like. I'm guesstimating. I give it the benefit of the doubt because I don't seek out information about them in any way. It really doesn't help me to assume the worst for them.
He never did get back to me anyway but... when I sent the email... my two words got mixed in with his previous email ( I don't know how that happened, lol - I'm email inept this month ) so the email I sent him appeared blank. ::) I'm leaving it alone. ::) As you can tell... I can't take this anymore. I am lbs nuts!
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StarGazer, Hugs! This rollercoaster is so hard. Think of the baby as a corvette. He had to have one it's so great! ::) :P Sure. Baby with a stranger in a MLC. OK? ???
As far as 'we should talk' he doesn't know what he wants or what he had for breakfast :o :o That question makes them like :o :o :o :o :o. Somehow my H thinks I could be friends with his OW bc she's innocent in all this :o :o
Just carry on with your journey knowing he's not right at the moment and he needs to go through all of this to find out! Remember in this state of MLC tunnel he can't have an R with anyone.. He really can't. ::)
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Hey Mamma! I know... you're right. Poor baby though. :( I wasn't a stranger and I think I would have made a nice mom. :( But it's O.k. :'(
He did answer me. This time he said "when?" lol. I don't know. No matter what.. He opened pandoras box and nothing in the world can change this.
Oh, H said to me in the beginning that I would Like Op and that we could all be friends. He shared with me a vision he had of us having happy Bar-b-q's where he would be with the Op and I would be with a new boyfriend. :o Like couple friends.