Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Stillpraying on May 08, 2012, 04:56:43 PM
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Found this website which I think has some very helpful messages for those who have experienced or are experience their spouse cheating on them through an affair:
http://surviveyourpartnersaffair.com/blog/category/uncategorized/
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Good site. Thanks for sharing it!
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This really is good. Especially in that it gets to the heart of identifying emotions and what they tell you. And that you don't need to act on them, and so on. Excellent.
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Good stuff. This one:
http://surviveyourpartnersaffair.com/blog/2011/06/11/affairmations-getting-things-mixed-up/
in particular struck a chord with me. It perfectly describes why/how my ex-W turned to OM and having an EA after her parents' deaths, career & family upheavals. Instead of turning to me, she looked to someone else to 'fulfill her needs', or perceived needs; needs that she (eventually) told me I couldn't meet ("You can't meet my social and emotional needs"). It seems to me that she is running constantly to try to meet her needs and get affirmation - to OM (presumably), to her old college friends scattered around the country, to her colleagues and an older couple who seem to be acting like surrogate parents. But what happens when the music stops?
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arp1, exactly my H's message to me. " You couldn't fulfill my needs". He also complained a lot that his dad never affirmed him and his craziness started after his father passed away.
Soon after he left he also made comments like "Atleast some one tells me I'm good at .........". I'd only just praised him on such a great job he did with installing our shower the week before he left. And I know I had made many more. he was a handy man and I always told people how clever he was. Also told him I though he was handsome, great at leading the soup Kitchen group....and on and on. It was me who encouraged him to purchase a new drum kit from the sale proceeds of MY house becuase I thought such a talented drummer should have his own kit and be playing!!! Well, it went to his head.
He told me I had red skin on my face, so he bought me some cream to cover it. Said I had saggy boobs. Told me I was a nutcase when I cried after he got extremely angry with me. and so on.
It gets me how they said we didn;t quite meet their need for affirmation when they could easily dish out degrading comments. I too found that post enlightening although I had read something similar about emotional needs not being met. It certainly helps me to know that I could have tried harder to meet them and have him change his mind.
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Do you mean could have tried harder, or could NOT have tried harder??
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Do you mean could have tried harder, or could NOT have tried harder??
StillPraying, I had the same question...
Interesting link.
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Sorry folks, It was very late when I posted and after a very long pre-school committee meeting.....
Yes, I meant I could have tried harder but never fulfill all his needs. It did feel like a bottomless pit to me. The more I gave, the more he needed. I could never make him happy as he was always chasing more. There was no contentment or peace.
SP
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Yes, I meant I could have tried harder but never fulfill all his needs. It did feel like a bottomless pit to me. The more I gave, the more he needed. I could never make him happy as he was always chasing more. There was no contentment or peace.
SP
SP, this is how I've felt. Yes I could have tried harder at times and I know there were times when I did things wrong, but I could never fulfill all her needs and she bloody well knew that right from the start. Our life had evolved to a point where some of her needs just couldn't be met, e.g. large social groups to go out with every week like her student days - even now she has her 'freedom' they won't be met. She kept saying she wanted more. More of what? How much more? Like you say, there was no contentment. One of her stock phrases was "I want it all", but woe betide anyone who said she couldn't have it all because that was just being a drain and being negative. I think she'll never be content or truly happy because she lives in a fantasy world.
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That is the whole part of the affair and the MLCer viewpoint. They deserve it. Listen to the statements, "You don't meet my needs." But if you ask them what their needs are, "I don't know." OM/OW meets their needs temporarily but it soon wears off and they realize they are stuck with another person trying to meet their needs.
It is all a fantasy and when the fantasy becomes a reality, they then hit the road and run further away or they eventually hit rock bottom and then the transformation to a new identity can begin.
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Yep. I had that very statement. "You don't meet my needs". I also had "I don't think I love you" so I asked H what love is and he replied that he din't know! So I replied, "Well, how can you say you don't love me if you don't even know what love is?"
Confusion all the way!
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The idea of not meeting their needs is very interesting. When my H stated he wanted out he said that I had done nothing wrong. It was all he who had changed and he no longer wanted this (family, routine, etc). So, I have to ask...is it that the OW is meeting their needs right at this moment? For example, my H told me that he was not in-love with OW but that he had to continue the relationship because she was "useful" to him right now. When I heard that I knew that he ment that he needed to travel and be free and she was okay with being his traveling buddy...does that make sense? She is fulfilling that need of his now? At the same time there are moments where I see that this is simply what he has chosen and that is that....not the OW over me...but what the OW represents over what I represent...
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Jag,
I had that speech too, "its not you, its me"...."you did nothing wrong" ...."you have been a perfect wife" "a wonderful mum" ....bla bla. Followed by .....But its not enough! Ugh!
IMO, I think the OW is meeting their needs for NOW, for this moment. OW will go to the ends of the earth with our H, not pass judgement, make them feel good about themselves, because they themselves are needy.
I think perhaps further along their journey, the mlcer finds another "need" or "void" that needs filling, as the previously filled need doesn't make them feel any better! Does that make sense??
What I'm trying to say is.....its like a vicious circle, " fill the need" they feel better for a while, then feel cr*p again, fill another need, still feel cr*p on and on and on. It's an empty void that cannot be filled!
They will only feel better if they look at themselves, what's wrong is inside them. Ugh I dont know if that made any sense either, maybe someone more experienced can explain it better.
In short, I think they are looking for something that doesn't exist, its only when they have tried everything they "think" they need or want, wrecked their marriage, lost their kids, caused massive damage that they look at themselves! Or if they are truly up their own @ss they stay STUCK! That'll be my H STUCK in a tunnel.....forever! Lol.....not funny I know!
Hugs xx
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Poppy,
I get what you are saying. I too feel as though my H will be "stuck" forever. I say that not because he has been in MLC for a long time (because he has not) but because of his personality. I believe that he would continue forever feeling this way simply because he does not believe in psychologists and believes depression is for the weak....even when a doctor told him to take some meds for his anxiety..he bought them...never used them....if that isn't saying something...I don't know what is....as an aside...he is still wearing his wedding ring...what the heck!
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Jag,
It would appear we are married to the "same" man, lol my H says exactly the same rubbish, thinks depression is what "weak minded" folk suffer from! :o :o
Oh my H ditched the wedding ring straight after the BD speech, within two mins that ring was off his finger, if that wasn't bad enough, he then went upstairs into our room, gathered up all the "little luv notes", special cards etc, I had given him over the past 20yrs, threw them on the bed and screamed at me to SHRED them! Tut! I didn't by the way, they're tucked away in a draw. ;)
Hugs xx
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Hi Poppy and Jag.......i agree with what your both saying.........my h is with o/w because she will accept or should i say tolerate the replay behavior............my h knows that the partying, spending adultery etc is not something i would tolerate.....h knows o/w will allow him his freedom even if it means walking all over her because shes desperate to keep him.......my h does not respect her that's why hes there.........you after give respect to earn it.......and deep down these men know a respectable woman would not enable a man to destroy his family........they go looking for the woman that will fulfill their need to complete replay.......xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Poppy,
the ring is on yet the pressuring me to go get all the kids' and my stuff is on! He can't wait to get us the hell out of the apartment...he has no problem coming to visit the kids at my parents home, but he does have a problem with going to our apartment and seeing the stuff there....he has yet to take down our pictures....I swear...I don't get it at times...I get it....but I don't. i see him and I just want to hug his pain away....I know that is stupid (especially after all he has done) but that is me and my personality. I guess it is the reaction of one human being to another....I want to help him, I can't, and that hurts (especially since it is my profession to help people...or rather...help people help themselves...which in this case I can't even do that!).
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WGH,
Exactly! ;) You got that right my friend.
OW is a means to an end, thats all. That's why my H isn't bothered what she looks like (minger) as long as he's got someone to PLAY with! I certainly wouldn't tolerate the spending that's for sure, my H ran up debts of £50,000, he's now got an IVA (debt plan) , put our home at risk etc. OW isn't bothered, its not her home, its not her debt, they don't want to get involved with the "dirty" side of the affair, just the "fun" bits.
Any normal person would question our H behavior, they won't do that because it will burst their "FANTASY BUBBLE", reality is not a place they want to visit.
My H OW has a tiger by the tail, she just doesn't know it yet!
Hugs xx
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Jag,
They're confused ;)
My H left but not before taking one of our wedding photographs with him!
Why did he want that? I don't know, doubt he did either but he took it with him to OW house!
Now that my friend is WEIRD! :o
Hugs xx
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Hi Poppy, JAG and WGH,
I was reading this link I save again and it just reassures me of the external forces of this mess and that I am not simp0ly a bad wife, woman and mother.
Hope it gives you some encouragement too:
http://www.thirdage.com/relationships-love/why-men-leave-what-every-woman-and-man-needs-to-know
Hugs,
SP
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what the OW represents over what I represent...
This is from a few posts back; it resonated with me. In my case I'm starting to think that as the most important thing to my H seems to be the freedom to do whatever he wants whenever he wants to, that this latest OW must allow that or be OK with that in some way; I represent being trapped with family responsibility.
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Stillpraying,
very interesting article. When H was in one of his cycles he kept telling me I sounded like his mother. Then, what I realized was that I was not sounding like his mother at all. All I was doing is caring for him and being reassuring to him just like his mother was during his childhood years (I guess one could say like a mother would...but also a wife). Then, after speaking to his best friend, it sounds like he has picked the OW for the fact that she reminds him of his own mother during his teenage years. They argue, she is bossy, she is stubborn....and most interesting of all, she is VERY big on top...almost like someone who has had breast implants....
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One more thing....
"The love of a good woman can never make up for the losses a man suffered growing up. But he doesn't know that. He believes that she could, would, and must give him what he needs. If she doesn't, his love suddenly turns to hate. Is this making sense to you?"
If this is true....why would our H come back? Wouldn't they continue seeking a woman to fulfill this need. My H had a 6 year relationship with a girl when he was in his twenties, then me, and now there is the OW....so why not continue from woman to woman?
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JAG,
I don't believe mine will. He left his first wife after 10 years. Saw 2 prostitutes during that marriage. After he left he quickly got involved with someone he met on the side of the road. Went O/S for 6 months. Supposedly came back a new person. That's when I met him. Then he left me after 10 years and straight away involved with OW. The kids think they are not getting along so well now. Surprise Surprise!
He openly maintained marraige was about me making him happy. He never mentioned anything about him making me happy. I tried to discuss with him my thought that I could MAKE him happy. That hap[piness also came from within etc. But he simply does NOT want to be accountable or responsible for anything. He continues to blame others for all his errors and misfortunes. I just didn't see it earlier.
SP