Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: nlovemyfamily on May 26, 2012, 07:01:12 AM
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found this is viewpoint on MLC A's . would love to hear from others what their thoughts are on this idea? helped me to understand it in another way.
http://personaltao.com/taoism-library/midlife-crisis/survive-thrive-affair/
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I read this a few months ago and he makes it all so simple and SENSIBLE. He covers all of it in just a few paragraphs.
If only the MLCers could find this stuff [if you google MLC and affairs I think it always comes up]. Of course no MLCer would be looking for it.
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More suited to a midlife person that have had an affair than to a person who’ve had a real MLC.
It the MLC problem was just the affair it would all be very simple. But MLC is not just an affair. It is abandonment, mistreatment, monster, destruction of finances, of households, you name it.
It is not this “I have an affair and now I’m back” thing. The article, in my view, is about midlife affairs not about MLC and the affair that can come with it. To me they are totally different things. In MLC the affair is not a stepping stone for anything. The crisis is/may be.
And, I’m truly sorry but it was someone’s fault/responsibility. This no one is to blame thing does not match me. It is awarding them for irresponsible behaviour. That is not to say one is going to forever be throwing at their face what happened but the person who started the affair and broke the marriage has to be held responsible for it.
Also, an affair is one thing, living with OW/OM another. Let alone live with other person for years on end while making you spouse and children lives hell. Or trying to make.
The basic of the article is interesting but too simplistic regarding the complexity of a MLC. It is appropriated for those in midlife that only had an affair, not a MLC.
An affair, just simple affair, I would have not had many problems with and would manage to overcome it easily. The crisis is an entirely different matter.
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Thanks for posting nlove. I looked at a lot of the other pages on the site, and it looks interesting. Seems that he's saying, that if you get the right help, you can stop the transition from becoming a crisis.
But of course, to get help, you would not be an avoidant personality. With an avoidant personality, you don't get help. You get the crisis that we're dealing with. It's a bit of a catch 22.
From our point of view, with what we are dealing with, it does seem simplistic.
I do find Eastern philosophy gives us such a different angle.
It doesn't explain it there, but I guess he is meaning that the affair is a bandaid, and inconsequential (in the big scheme of things), and that if everyone does their healing afterwards, the growth is more important than holding someone accountable for your suffering.
Our way of thinking is ego driven. How dare he do that to me kind of thinking. I guess that wouldn't be considered very enlightened.
I did like what he had to say about society wanting quick answers and quick fixes. That this was neither. To slow down, be kind, be patient etc.
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I like the pages on that site but I think for our situations his approach is simplistic. Our MCLers did not look for help nor would ever have. Otherwise they would not be on MLC. My husband, like many MCLers, knew he was depressed. His company doctor offered to help. Of course husband put the doctor away and got no help.
No, I don’t think he is saying the affair is a band aid. And even if he was, he only mentions the affair. Not the financial devastation, living with other person, all the troubles and disasters we have to live with. The affair is not inconsequential in the big scheme of things because it is not a regular affair and brings with it a million other things. A regular affair is inconsequential in the big scheme of things.
The question for me is not so much holding someone accountable for my/our suffering but for their actions and the consequences of their actions. But, of course, their actions brought us suffering and I don’t think it should be dismissed as irrelevant or inconsequential. Nor brushed under the carpet.
The growth, in the long run, is the more important thing, for the LBS on their own, for the MCLer on their own or for the reunited couple. However until someone is out of the crisis there is no growth for the person in crisis. In the meantime, as years pass, the LBS grows, becomes stronger and the MCLer is years behind us.
One day, when they are out of the crisis they may be able to embrace western philosophy but it may be too late for the couple or even the friendship. And, somehow, from my experience it seem that there are always western men that messed up who come up with the Easter philosophy thing. After they have messed up, or course. Before it is they could not care less about the subject.
Society wants quick fixes and answers and so do MCLers. Yet, MCLers take forever to get to the other side.
More slow down, kind and patient than we are Kikki? Not even a Buddhist monk would be if faced with what we are. Sometimes I think we are too forgiving and kind and patiente. Especially when we are years down the road. Or maybe it is just because I deeply resent being benevolent.
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I think what he had to say supported the general view on here. We are very patient and kind with our MLCers in general. (As extraordinarily challenging as that is - and despite the cycling in between times, where we want to 'kill' them instead, for the destruction that they are causing).
I saw it as being along similar philosophies. Whereas, society in general wants us to 'move on', get a divorce, kick them to the curb etc.
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More slow down, kind and patient than we are Kikki? Not even a Buddhist monk would be if faced with what we are. Sometimes I think we are too forgiving and kind and patiente. Especially when we are years down the road. Or maybe it is just because I deeply resent being benevolent
Well my favorite phrase for him before this happened was he's enough to piss off the pope and that still holds true. I think the patience has a limit. The last time I looked in my closet I saw no monks robes in there.
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I think the patience has a limit. The last time I looked in my closet I saw no monks robes in there.
LOL Brown not your colour then inThis?
I think the guy mentioned that the crisis can go on for two years! We wish!!!
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Society may want us to rush (I’m lucky because I never had anyone wanting to rush me except husband) but we end up doing the opposite. We endure for ever in hope of something that may be more than lost.
Maybe a bit of thermonuclear (se Thundarr thread) would not harm us. And it may send a message to the MCLer.
In This, they are enough to upset the pope or try the patience of a saint. Patience has limits and we do not have monk robes in our closets.
And it they try us in Replay, wait until they hit rock bottom... Then they will really try our patience. Like my cousin is doing to his girlfriend. It drives one insane.
Two years? Oh mine, he does not really know what a true MLC is like. ::) ::) ::)
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Nlove--Thanks for sharing the article. The more information I have the better from ALL points of view. Yes the author was just addressing the affair but at the time I read it , probably 2 months from bomb-drop, I didn't know there would be worse things happen than an affair. I didn't know he'd leave, spend money, want to sell all our assets, etc. So it did make sense to me.
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Nope- brown doesn't work for me .
And if this isn't rock bottom I don't know if I want to hang around and see what that looks like.
Conversation this morning in bed:
I was saying I felt like a hot dog rolling around on those roller bars due to the hot flashes. Then I said I think global warming has to do with all the women in the world and thier hot flashes. Then I went on to say I was one of the Exmen with my powers of radiating heat.
He say that he felt like an Exman also. Are you ready for what he said was his power was??
To say " Oh oh my arm hurts so bad and then to get sympathy"
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE DOING !!!! JUST LIKE ANY MISBEHAVED SPOILED CHILD!!!
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In This, I think you already have seen rock bottom since you are already rebuilding. So you know how hard and trying it is. Mad, just mad.
They know what they are doing like any spoilt child and any addict. They just can't help themselves ans stop. Really silly.
My cousin is managing to let everyone going a bit nuts. In a way I think we would prefer when he was on the deep end of depression.