Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Shantilly Lace on May 27, 2012, 03:18:13 PM
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Ok this is something that has been bought to the attention of moderators.
Please be careful with the “pet names” you choose for the other person. Even edited swear words are swear words and things can be offensive. REALLY offensive.
We all understand that we are angry at the other person. But really they owe us nothing, they didn’t make the vow or promise to us nor do we know what they were told about us. Doesn’t make it right but in a world where we are fed that unhappy marriages should be tossed aside, is it so hard to believe that the lies they have been fed plus todays society makes for a perfect storm?
As stayed has said directing the anger at the op may stop us killing our spouse but in fairness it is our spouses that did this to us.
The op should know better. Yes.
Please keep “pet names” civil. I don’t know why anyone would want to expend energy writing anything than ow, om, or op? Really you want to give them a special name and a special place? Think about it. you spend more energy on them.
Yep we think about it, that’s what happens, but don’t make them a special place in your life.
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Guilty.
I will try to be better.
You're right--the focus should be on ME and MY new life, not on someone who really doesn't matter.
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Agree..... OW or OM should be sufficient. They are STUPID... it is not a crime. Take the highest road possible, even if it is fake.. in front of your MLCer.... (by the way, I got an F in this class, LOL!!!) and REMEMBER... GOD "has"this.... or Karma, or whatever works for you..... this is NOT your vengeance to take.... allow GOD or the UNIVERSE to dole it out.
My personal sitch.... husband and I just bought a house together... YAY!!... BUT... ow doesn't know.... hahahahaahahahahahahahahahah!! How is this NORMAL!??? It's not.... BUT ONE DAY, ow will get her BD..... and she will be DEVASTATED... but for LIFE..... she hasn't a CLUE how to attract "normal available men"..... not a clue... I have LEARNED some lessons, and are open for more... so, even if my MLCer were hit by a bus TOMORROW, I could move forward in a POSITIVE way.... ow will get her just desserts..... don't worry.
She's still a B, though.... ;)
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I used an edit swear work regarding OW2 but that was a quote of what my husband had told me about her, not my own wording or though. So, if I use that quote again in context I think the edit swear word will be there because it is his own saying.
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AnneJ.. if THEY say it... I say POST IT, LOL!!!
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As stayed has said directing the anger at the op may stop us killing our spouse but in fairness it is our spouses that did this to us.
I have a question....where is the anger supposed to go??
What direction is safe for it???
The person who needs to listen to the hurt ( anger) so we can process and get past it is AWOL either physically emotionally or both.
You can express your sorrow, devastation and heartbreak to your therapist, a close friend, whomever you choose.
But until the one that has hurt you HEARS YOU; there will be anger.
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But until the one that has hurt you HEARS YOU; there will be anger.
I agree with this. Even if residual an minimal there will be some anger until the day they hear us.
LG, Yes, if they said it I think we can post.
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I have not used any names for OM in my case......I don't even know if there is one. I have no idea.
I am not a moderator, but Hope Floats indicated this is an issue that has been brought to the attention of the moderators.
Just because the MLCer says it doesn't make it necessary to post.....or respectful.
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My problem is my husband likes her and my kids like her, in any other circumstance i would probably like her and when I tell myself that, after all......I am fair, reasonable and balanced and as a Librian sun sign, I can always see the other side............ It really MESSES WITH MY HEAD and it almost stops me wanting to stand, to actually make myself imagen a future that my husband is happier with her and perhaps i am happier without him. :o :o
So I need to dislike what they have done to me and I have to question the motives of a naive young thing and wonder what the hell she thinks she is doing? (i know what she thinks she is doing and I need at times to hate her a bit for it otherwise I couldn't STAND and I couldn't STAND IT.
In moderation ......and keep the moral upper hand do not give in to anger, "their relationship is rooted in lies and deceit and things rooted in lies and deceit do not grow well" not my quote.......... its Mort Fertel's and I love to listen to him give that schpeel...!
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Fixing myself, yep I liked her before this, my girls liked her (and 3 still do).
You don’t have to like what they did.
It’s not about liking it, it is about letting that anger go so it doesn’t EAT you alive, regardless of whether they stay with the op for not
We all go through stages of hating ow, but I just can’t be bothered with it. I don’t like it and yes I get angry when she comes to my house. But I don’t hold it against her.
And as for hurt, I get angry, I get hurt BUT I don’t hang onto it. no point. I figure it out. Maybe I am in denial, but I don’t think so. i work through it. And I am not going to remain angry the rest of my life at something that has happened. I will NOT do that. It still doesn’t mean the op is at fault. They BOTH did the wrong thing and yet everyone here (I have done it too) blames it squarely on op. We move through it and change it. But I don’t give ow anything more. Sometimes I wonder what goes on in her head. but hey I am human.
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I do think we have to a place to come and vent about ow/om. Come on, I would so love to tell my w off about her om. I mean he is an real jerk and I would love nothing but to come face to face with him. Turn him into a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of peices missing. I am sure when Buggy's sister confronted ow, she used a few choice words for both of them.
I understand the language and not wanting to offend. However, we do ask that people come and vent on our forum. I think bowser and sasquatch, English Tosser, cockroach, flying monkey witch, and a few others have to be allowed.
In many ways, it allows us to reclaim our own dignity by dehumanizing them when we are at lowest point.
I crossed the line the other day and I just owned up, apologized, moderated and moved on. Yes, our spouses are just as much as fault, but the om/ow knows that they are involved with married people and that is something to ponder as well.
Just my thoughts!
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Mayor guilty,
GH you are so right to point this out. I'm happy that MF edited my posts yesterday, it was not done using the other word for ow. I see that now. In real life, when I do have to mention ow, I stick to 'her or she'. (most of the time, not always but I'm only human).
After this past week where so many hurtful things happend, this was just a way to release my anger and pain. That doesn't justify anything I know but I do hope you understand a bit. I am really sorry and ashamed. I did not totally realise that this word was such a big curseword in English language. Won't use it again and stick with ow. It's just so hard to keep focusing on yourself and not at H/ow when so many ugly things happen to you in one week time.
Again, thanks for bringing this up and change it. Also I appreciate the way you mention this indirectly by starting this tread. And you didn't directly accused me in your supportive and loving reply at my post. I really couldn't have handled that yesterday. Thank you so much for caring and understanding.
Huggs ans many excuses again
Another lesson learned
WAU
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NOt worried about the venting, or name calling really, It’s the unpleasant swear words that are used as “pet names”
We need to vent.
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In many ways, it allows us to reclaim our own dignity by dehumanizing them when we are at lowest point.
That's it in a nutshell- I wish I knew what would be an unpleasent swear word to call theses ow/om. I think anything goes as far as I'm concerned.
Offended by a word someone might use to call someone who knew what they were getting into, this total stranger that interfeared instead of opting out???? Really??
Sorry folks I'm not seeing anything more offensive that what they did to provide the catalyst. And as for the MLCERS I've got a few choice pet names for them also. And believe it or not I was never a name caller before this happened!!!
I will hold in the belief that deep down our spouses are still there and they KNOW what they are doing. There may be a confusion and fog and avoidence but the base person is still there.
After this past week where so many hurtful things happend, this was just a way to release my anger and pain. That doesn't justify anything I know but I do hope you understand a bit. I am really sorry and ashamed. I did not totally realise that this word was such a big curseword in English language. Won't use it again and stick with ow. It's just so hard to keep focusing on yourself and not at H/ow when so many ugly things happen to you in one week time.
Don't be ashamed they are after all only words and might keep you from doing something more extreme. The anger and pain NEEDS TO BE RELEASED!!
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Hi do you know what I call my H ow, THE INCIDENTAL. She was incidentally there, he could have picked anyone, she was just there at the right time and the right place. That means she was not really picked for any qualities, she was just there. Thinking of her that way makes her really insignificant to me as she was and is nothing special.