Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: keepingthepeace on June 12, 2012, 04:54:21 PM
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I hear alot about mlcer being more vain. In my situation I was a little surprised over the weekend when my husband took my son bike riding in a busy area on a junky antique bike and even took his shirt off. This is a guy that wouldnt even take his shirt off to cut the grass. He was always very modest and very self concious if fact he always gave me a hard time because I wasnt. I do remember on one of our last dates ovwr a year ago, he had bumped the table and spilled his drink, he had mentioned to me and really wanted me to know how he didnt even get embarassed. That was a few months before bd, is this something hes working thru, has anyone else seen similar things?
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Mine asked me to use some of my makeup today to cover up a blemish on his skin.....haven't encountered this except for pre BD.
Mine has HUGE hangups about what happens in public- like if I or the girls talk too loud etc. he gets all freaked out and embarrassed. ::) ::) But I'm seeing it isn't consistant anymore.
Mine was NEVER modest and that hasn't changed.
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Im just wondering if my husband seems to be growing less self conceous if this is a sign of him growing.
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He is experimenting with different beliefs than what he had before. Some he may keep, some he may not, and some may be somewhere in the middle. :) Mine was a pretty modest, quiet guy before, who had strong views but expressed them in unique ways. Now he's still modest in some ways, but boisterous in others, and tends to go with the crowd as much as possible, probably trying to fit in. Growing? Definitely, even still in replay. It's what it's all for, but it may end up being totally different.
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This makes me laugh because I am picturing the teeth whitening, the bodybuilding mags and sups, etc that my dh has gotten into. It's laughable because I know the real insecure and confused person. He is trying to turn himself into a Rico suave or something. He even shaves his chest hair now, must be the OW because I hate it.
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Yup, completely.
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I agree that they are trying to do or be something different than what they were. I think that alot of them do become overly vain, if only temporarily. My husband was always vain but self concious as well. During replay, he changed his body completely with obsessive workouts, running, body building and all kinds of supplements meant to "muscle-up". His body became unrecognizable. He experimented with many hairstyles, various forms of facial hair, new clothes, mostly body skimming. He also was concerned with what people thought of the car, the house...everything.
This was a complete change. Now he is back to his normal body and still worried about it but certainly not so obsessive. I still see some experimentation with the hair and beard but I probably would not even notice it were I not always on the lookout for MLC stuff.
Bon
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he had mentioned to me and really wanted me to know how he didnt even get embarassed. That was a few months before bd, is this something hes working thru, has anyone else seen similar things?
Yes I have seen similar and had LBS tell me of similar.
My take on the MLCer's new found lack of self-consciousness is this: they have been living with low-grade depression, self-esteem issues most of their lives. They protect themselves with denial and a social mask. They've desperately do not wanted people to see the real, dreadful person they feel themselves to be. Then they arrive at mid-life, the triggers kick in and the depression reaches a peak. They "go over the top" as depicted in graphical form here http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html (I think it was Kikki who first posted this).
The mental chains have come off and they feel a freedom from the persona they felt they used to be. My xW, on one of the few occasions I managed to gain any insight from her, said to me, "I have discovered myself."
Sbreeze1 a female MLCer at Women In Mid Life Crisis wrote
"MLC feels like a new 'clarity', like a veil of self-deception has been lifted - like - WOW - why didn't I realize all of this before!!!! when in fact, it severely impairs our ability to have 'clarity' about what our lives have been and are. It FEELS totally opposite to what it REALLY is, which makes it a very devious and insidious enemy."
So they feel free, no more embarrassment, no more tiresome social awkwardness, but as most of us have witnessed here, the new found "freedom" goes hand in hand with abhorrent behaviour, lies, deceit, adultery and Monster. These are not manifestations of emotional health. Emotional health is quietly confident and benevolent.
At mid life they are now "free" and released from inhibitions, thus they conclude if they hadn't been free until this enlightenment with OM/OW then it must have been the fault of the LBS who must have kept them controlled or constrained, so the LBS gets slammed with all the MLCer's blame and anger.
The MLCer's new found confidence and freedom from embarrassment is not built on a sound foundation and is therefore not likely to last. Eventually the depression will return but be compounded by all the destruction they have caused to family and loved ones along the way.
honour
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Wow thnak you honour, you helped me confirm things I thought for a long time.
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This is so weird. My h has always been modest--very blond, no tan, thin. I mean, he was never an adonis.
Last week, fixing something, he took his shirt off to keep it clean. No undershirt [also strange]. He never, never goes topless. So weird.
I went & found him a t-shirt b/c the kids [d21 & partner] were here & they were I was embarrassed.
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This is so weird. My h has always been modest--very blond, no tan, thin. I mean, he was never an adonis.
Last week, fixing something, he took his shirt off to keep it clean. No undershirt [also strange]. He never, never goes topless. So weird.
I went & found him a t-shirt b/c the kids [d21 & partner] were here & they were I was embarrassed.
Lol.... That is all
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My H started working out (that stopped), bought just about all new clothes and gave the old ones away, started whiting his teeth, going to the tanning bed more often than ever before, getting his hair cut different, using different shower gel and even body spray for men. Sometimes even 2-3 showers a day and the brushing and flossing of his teeth......... every single time he ate something, snack or meal....... I'm mean seriously !!!
H now eats totally different than he used to........ say's he needs to lose his stomach (that's from drinking too much beer now) ! H was slim when he started seeing OW then after moving in with OW gained MASS weight. Went for 34w to 40w........ He's back to 36w now.
It's just another part of MLC. H was always a bit vain but it's gotten alot worse since OW !
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So they feel free, no more embarrassment, no more tiresome social awkwardness, but as most of us have witnessed here, the new found "freedom" goes hand in and with abhorrent behaviour, lies, deceit, adultery and Monster. These are not manifestations of emotional health. Emotional health is quietly confident and benevolent.
I wonder mine is embarrassed or paranoide that everyone is laughing at him for this. He won't talk to his mother because she hates the people that OW is related to as I said it is a family thing through marriage so her sister was married to this things uncle. They are a very destructive clan, anyway he is afraid to talk to his mother because she hates that side of the family and doesn't talk to our sons because he thinks they are laughing at him is that normal? I mean he is in hiding about it all. I know I played into the embarrassment by telling everyone what was going on, but I was tired of the lies, I have since gotten my brain back from meltdown after the first two weeks.
Edit for quoteBrackets - OldPilot < = [
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If your h is embarrassed about any of it he is a lot more self-aware than most in my limited experience.
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The pendulum swings both directions, I've found. Mine was totally humiliated by the A being made public by me (his GRANDMA knows...that was NOT in the plans!). But at the same time, other things go completely over his head that would have completely shamed him before. At one of the jobs he's had during all of this, his team leader suggested he go back on his meds...and he was never even on his meds when he worked there, so he must have *really* been making a scene. He'd told me he'd fidgeted so much during meetings people asked him to leave. But yet...not a wake up call. :o :o :o
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FJJ - paranoia seems to be a part of MLC around BD and for a while afterwards. It does seem to settle down the further into the tunnel they go.
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The pendulum swings both directions, I've found. Mine was totally humiliated by the A being made public by me (his GRANDMA knows...that was NOT in the plans!). But at the same time, other things go completely over his head that would have completely shamed him before. But yet...not a wake up call. :o :o :o
Mine is humiliated and of course it is all my fault by me making it public. You are right there are many things that go completely over his head, like wondering why I was so mad - go figure.
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FJJ - paranoia seems to be a part of MLC around BD and for a while afterwards. It does seem to settle down the further into the tunnel they go.
Definitely experiencing paranoia.