Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: With Gods Help! on June 20, 2012, 07:13:13 PM
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Not that were dummies lol...........ive read this before but wanted to post it............my h as used virtually everyone of these statements........i wonder if this is the script they all read from lol xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
http://nashlinks.com/midlife.htm
MIDLIFE CRISIS for DUMMIES
Welcome to the wonderful world of Mid Life Crisis!! You are about to embark on one of the most perilous journey's you have ever taken. A journey fraught with intrigue and guaranteed to turn you inside out! Here you can learn "how to" answers to the questions you have been asking yourself about damaging as many people as you can along the way. Come on and dig in, it's time to get this Roller coaster rolling on down the tracks!!
Chapter 1
Choosing the correct speech
There are 4 basic speeches for you to choose from. They are:
a. I love you, but I don't know if I'm in love with you.
b. I've never loved you, and we should never have gotten married.
c. We got married to young. I never knew anything besides you.
d. You tricked me into marrying you, I would never have done it otherwise.
Once you have decided on which speech to give, you need to cause as much anxiety in your spouse as you can before you actually give it. Continue to the next chapter for Lessons in building anxiety.
Chapter 2
Lessons in building anxiety
You will find these lessons to be helpful in causing anxiety in your spouse and others (depending on the level of pain and damage you want to cause), not just prior to giving the speech, but throughout your MLC.
Lesson 1
Monstrification of your Spouse
This is easy to accomplish. Simply think of only the "bad" things that your spouse has done throughout your entire relationship. Have one of those "angel" spouses? No problem, just remember how bad she/he always makes you feel. DO NOT under any circumstances remember fondly your spouse, or anything they have done for you. Remember, they are going to be the cause of all of your problems, so it is imperative that you convince your self of this first.
Lesson 2
Emotional Detachment
This will be very easy to do after accomplishing lesson 1. All you have to do is start reminding yourself that you don't care about them, what they feel, what they want, or if they hurt. Simple! Every time you remind yourself of this, you will get further and further away from your relationship emotionally. Now, that wasn't too hard was it? On to lesson 3
Lesson 3
Mass confusion and Indecision
This lesson requires a little more thought and attention. You must constantly practice saying "I don't know" to ANY and ALL questions. That is imperative!! Your spouse (and others) must never know precisely what is going on in-side your head. Also, never let them know where you are going, where you have been, who you were with (this will go hand in hand with the lesson on the Other Person, or OP), or whether or not they can expect you to return home.
Lesson 4
Lies and Deceit
To get the most damage, and cause the most pain, you must lie and deceive at every opportunity. And to really achieve hall of fame status, you should be very inept at it, so that everyone knows that you are lying, or suspects, but can't prove it initially. This works very well for the following chapters, OP and Cake Eating.
Chapter 3
The Other Person (or OP)
Now it is time for you to succumb to temptation. You KNOW all of those other women/men want you! They have been coming on to you for years!! It is time for you to give them their chance at having some of you. Make sure that you leave a very confusing trail for your spouse to follow. One that lets them suspect, but have to dig and sneak (to make them feel worse about themselves) to find the information they need to prove it. Hold out admitting the affair as long as you can, and don't admit it ever, if you can get away with it. If you do get caught rub it in his/her face. For extra points pick a married OP with a family. Drag as many people as possible into your crisis.
Chapter 4
Cake Eating
This chapter is designed to string your spouse along in uncertainty as long as possible, because as long as they have hope, they won't be able to go out and find their own lives and be fulfilled. Why should they get to do that, while you are so miserable? They shouldn't!! So, make sure that you are affectionate occasionally (not too often, as this will raise anxiety levels), that you drag your feet about making a decision on the marriage, and that you leave and come back several times (as many as you can get away with).
Chapter 5
History Revision
It is very important that you revise the life you have lead with your spouse. You must use words like: Always, Ever, Never and All of the Time. Always precede the statement with the terms: you, I, and we. As in "you always nag me" "I never ever (double bonus here) get to do what I want" and "We have to do what you want all of the time". This will help to make your spouse feel like the way you are behaving is all their fault, and can cause them to feel even worse about themselves than they already did!!
Chapter 6
It's all about you!!
Remember this is all about you! What you want and need, RIGHT NOW! You shouldn't have to wait until you can afford something, just go on out and get it! You deserve a new haircut or blond highlights, new clothes, and some new toys. You've worked for it. You would probably look great in that new Convertible, or on that new Harley!! So don't hesitate! You live in the here and now! So why wait until tomorrow!!
Remember, the word is CRISIS and if you are in one, EVERYONE else should have to ride the Roller coaster with you! It's no fun taking a ride alone, and you know what they say about misery loving company! Go on out there and get started, so much pain and damage, and so little time!
Chapter 7
Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away
This chapter is to help you deal with the problems that your spouse will try to cause. We don't want you to have to "deal" with anything, now do we? You shouldn't have to "think" about any "issues" right now, except those that concern you "feeling good". The best way to handle this, is to Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away. Any time someone tries to make you see a more "reasonable" stance on a subject, simply Avoid making a reply...stare out into space, as if you are thinking about something important, and they will become uncomfortable and leave you alone. If there are responsibilities that need your attention, simply ignore them. You don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing. And the best for last is Run Away! This can be accomplished in many different ways. OP's can help you Run Away from all of these "problems" as well as Alcohol, Drugs, New Sports Cars....etc the list is endless. Of course, you can always just leave...but remember not to let them know where you are going, and if you'll be back!!
Chapter 8
MC and Therapists:
Your spouse may ask you to go to counseling with her/him. This is only useful to make them feel better. It cannot possibly have anything to you so there is no reason for you to follow-up with anything suggested--it doesn't matter to you. The only thing you should look for is more reasons (excuses) for avoiding, running and ignoring (see previous chapter).
Chapter 9
I Don't have to if I Don't Want to and You Can't Make Me!
Remember that this is about YOU, and what YOU want and how YOU feel!! No one else is important, so don't let them make you feel as if you have to listen to anything they say. Your spouse will try to help you of course, because they love you. Don't let them get away with giving you unwanted advice. Let them know in the teenage vernacular, that they can't make you do anything. This is important, you must be as childish as possible!! Any truly adult behavior on your part will only convince them that you are listening to what they are saying, and you will have to start back at the beginning. Of course, this technique can be used knowingly to cause more confusion and chaos, just beware of the danger, you don't actually want to start acting like an adult!!
Chapter 10
"How to threaten" and/or "How do move out".
You threaten to move out for weeks or months but you don't. (*)You tell your spouse that you got too much on your plate right now to look for a flat but that you will do so in 2 weeks time. After 2 weeks, repeat from (*).
If your wife wants to come too close to you, like entering your bedroom to talk to you, tell her to stay away or you will move out. When she replies that you will move out anyway tell her that you will move out faster if she comes any closer
Chapter 11
Art of Clinging
The Art of Clinging to the End of the Mattress without falling off the matrimonial bed while still sharing it with your spouse.
Chapter 12
Advanced lessons
This is usually reserved for those in more difficult situations, where the LBS has responded not by tossing you out, threatening to leave, or filing for divorce, but instead persists in not only OFFERING to cooperate, but actually MAKING THE CHANGES you said you needed.
"I am tired of living like this/I don't want to live like this anymore/I am not going to live my life like this?" often is coupled with another advanced tactic, "It's not you, it's me".
This line is most effective AFTER the LBS has jumped through hoops and bent over backwards. It basically confirms that no matter what changes the LBS is willing to make, the incompatibility lies within the MLCer, who has no intention of, or implied desire or ability to, compromise.
Appendix
HOW TO MAKE YOUR SPOUSE THINK HE/SHE IS CRAZY
1. When confronted by the evidence of an EA or PA, become very indignant. Stress that the LBS is obviously just a jealous sob/bi*ch, and you are entitled to "buddies" of the opposite sex.
2. Never, ever answer the question, "Are you okay? Is there something wrong?" with a direct answer that might actually lead to a discussion that might help the marriage. Continue to never talk to spouse, never give her/him a personal compliment or touch of affection and by all means work on the "cling to the edge of the mattress to avoid touching" maneuver that is so successful in making your spouse crazy.
3. Always bear in mind that your spouse will expect you to want to at least give them the chance to "fix" the marriage. Since you have already checked out emotionally (of course NEVER tell them that!), you are under no obligation to actually listen to anything they say or acknowledge anything they do. This tactic is also extremely beneficial when they employ the MLC diet. When they lose a massive amount of weight and you are in ear shot of someone who mentions to spouse about the weight loss, say "Are you losing weight? Why don't you ever tell me things?"
4. Of course one of the most successful ways to drive them crazy may only be used when you have earned the MLC Black Belt. Go to marriage counseling for months, let them pour out their soul to you and the counselor and let them believe they are actually accomplishing something. Then arrange things so the spouse finds you in your own home with OP. This will accomplish two things: a. She will finally have to understand how lucky you are to have found your "soul mate" and b. She will be doubly betrayed because she thought you were actually working on the marriage.
BUTTON PUSHING
You (the mlcer) know a lot about your spouse. You know what pushes their buttons to get them both upset and/or happy. You have the power, you can do it! So using the kids to upset them is fair game (see section on how to use "custody" to upset them but not take on the "custody"). And if that ever stops working, find something else. Suggestions might include pets, valuables in the home, their appearance, family, career. Nothing is out of your reach since you have put in so many years getting to know your spouse--use what you know.
THE BLAME GAME
By now, you should be aware that all of this MUST be your spouses fault, however, your spouse may not understand this completely yet, so you need to start planting the seeds.
There are several ingenious ways to put the blame on your spouse, and we will be exploring them all.
Method 1: The Non-Blame Statement
I'm trying not to blame YOU
This statement implies that you are "not putting the blame on them" but on closer look (which your spouse is guaranteed to be doing) The words actually put all of the blame on the spouse (where of course we know it belongs).
Method 2: The Passive Blame Statement
I don't think that I can live with you.
My opinion never mattered to you.
I cant' live like this.
We rarely have fun anymore.
I don't want to live this way anymore.
(There are many more I'm sure you can think of)
These are passive statements that don't actually assign blame to your spouse, but your spouse will definitely get the idea if you use them. They can't help but see that it MUST be them that makes you feel this way.
Method 3: The Direct Blame Statement
You never listen to me.
You never put creases in my pants.
You use bagged salad.
You never keep the house clean.
You are going to do it your way.
All of these are direct statements of blame. You should mix actual faults with things that don't really matter to make it more confusing, and make your spouse feel as bad as possible about themselves.
Your spouse has probably already started doing the hard work to look inside his/herself (Yuck, what an awful thought!) and will take on all of the faults you list to try and correct them. This will keep them occupied for awhile, and you can avoid any serious relationship talks while they apologize for and try to fix all of their own faults. Make sure that you don't actually accept the apology, that way you can continue to bring the fault up which will slow down their self improvement process. Remember, they are working on becoming better human beings, and you wouldn't want that to happen to fast, as that would interfere with your ability to string them along.
Note: NEVER ACTUALLY ADMIT TO ANY FAULTS OF YOUR OWN!!!! REMEMBER, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY! YOU ARE THE GOOD ONE, AND HAD THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, LIE, SPEND MONEY, OR ANY OTHER THING, BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES THAT ARE BAD!!!
let's not forget "We're just incompatible - we always were."
Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL. If all else fails, put the LBS down for being so willing to change for your needs. Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL."
How to keep you spouse guessing...be mean one minute threatening divorce, etc then next day be kind and sweet almost the way your spouse remembers you..rinse repeat....
HOW TO CONTINUE THE CRAZINESS ONCE SEPARATION/DIVORCE IS AGREED UPON
In the end NEVER express any regrets. So what if there will never be any Christmases or Thanksgiving Dinners or family reunions and weddings and birthday parties, no family nights at all. They are overrated. After all, they should have known how miserable you were, even if you never said anything or sought help. They should be as proud of your new actions as you are. otherwise, screw them too.
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How true is this. At least it was good to have a laugh today. Thanks for this WGH
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I have studied this & my h has not missed one point, not one. This should be under 'criteria' for determining if it's mlc.
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Bumping this for anyone who missed it before. Required reading for LBSes!!!
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I read this the first time, but it is so good.... I agree wi calamityj.... Whenever I forget the process, this script is right here to remind me.
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At least this is humor, black one for us. But totally worth it. ;D
MIDLIFE CRISIS for DUMMIES (http://nashlinks.com/midlife)
Edit - We had 2 threads on this before but it is long so I will just link this thread to it as part 3 - Old Pilot
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=263.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=803.0
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Thanks Alabtross !!!
I saw this for the first time three years ago and just about peed my pants laughing!! Boy I NEEDED these kinds of things back then...not that it isn't TOTALLY hysterical now!!
Thanks for finding it and posting...nothing dark about it to me!!! ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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This is brilliant, thanks so much albatross.
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I was recently looking for this and couldn't find it. I had first read it not long after BD. It wasn't funny then. I read it a bit later and it was funny. :)
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That is one of the things I first found on MLC. It helped me realize I wasn't nuts and alone in this situation.
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iIOOS0fMOLE
When the girls and I went through the first BD three years ago someone put this on the forum. My D20 ( 17 at the time) said " Mom are those the horses REAL names???"
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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That's brilliant!
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Well, after feeling today that I need some kind of Psychology for Dummies book to try and help me understand certain aspects of MLC, i.e. Ego, Shadow, etc., I thought maybe we could make up a thread for dealing with MLC Do's and Don'ts, as experienced by us here on the board. Could be used by some as a source of reference, and a way to show what has and hasn't worked, while all the time remembering that what is good for one situation, might not work for another.
We are all at different stages, and yet are similar in so many ways. We can take RCRs information, as well as the many wonderful suggestions and advice given by board members, and take from it what we need as we go on our journey, with (or without) our MLCers. An example being Stayed's elastic band technique, and the ever important need to detach.
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Well, my two pence worth to start, is to not spend a single minute wondering what they are doing, what they are thinking about, or where they are in the tunnel. It is a waste of time and energy, and will get you absolutely nowhere.
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Although I know NC not recommended in the early days of this but when the abuse and spewing and harassment starts... stop communicating with them.
Their total lack of empathy and mistreatment are NOTHING we need.
Disrespect should not be tolerated. Some of us don't even recognize it in the dynamics of a relationship.
We need to focus on our own self esteem. Just my 2 cents
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Simple tip.
Don’t feed the monster – It doesn’t cure the illness, but it will ease the symptoms.
Lanzo
(File that next to NC)
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If there is a OM/OW:
-Go NC
-Call a Lawyer, get legal advice
-Inform family, friends, and the om/ow's spouse of the affair
-File for divorce
-Get a life
Get on with your own life and let them go, and if 3-7 years they come round you'llbe able to deal with it rationally and from a position of strength.
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I agree with the telling friends and family thing that's for sure. The stuff that is hidden needs to come out in the DAYLIGHT!
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Be aware that they change, and in some cases, tremendously, and their treatment towards you, which can be so cruel, is jaw dropping. Add to that, just when you think they can't get any worse or do anything else, they will.
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Tell your children the truth about why the MLCer is leaving (age appropriately) Don't let the children or anyone else think it is a mutual decision if its not.
Don't expect the in-laws to be supportive of you, they often support their son/daughter even though they think what he/she is doing is wrong. Family.
Don't leave your home … if anyone moves out it is the MLCer.
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If your life is threatened LEAVE...if you are assaulted press charges ASAP.
I agree with Musica about the other two things.
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If they were great providers before BD, that too, can change drastically, especially once OW/OM arrives on scene. Be prepared for excessive spending, and a lack of care towards responsibilities. Great efforts will be made to "eliminate" their previous life in any way possible.
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That great parent they used to be can totally disappear, and they become totally self-absorbed, egocentric beings, with no filter on what is said or done in front of their children, or whether age appropriate. No consideration whatsoever, treating them like buddies, removing themselves from parental responsibilities. Oftentimes will ignore the children and act as if they don't even exist, even if a doting parent before BD.
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Don't believe any of the excuses they give regarding why they do what they do. It is NOT your fault, never was, never will be. For sure you had your part in the relationship, and all marriages have bumps in the road, but you are NOT at fault or responsible for any of this. This is their journey, you have your own.
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Don't believe any of the excuses they give regarding why they do what they do. It is NOT your fault, never was, never will be. For sure you had your part in the relationship, and all marriages have bumps in the road, but you are NOT at fault or responsible for any of this. This is their journey, you have your own.
ABSOLUTELY!!! And never feel ashamed of what has happened, that you failed, and let them down.
Whatever they were before BD, they will do a 180 and no matter what you thought of them, they will always surprise you with how low they can stoop.
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Don't let them be too nice to you, it's manipulation!
I have learnt that one the hard way.
Don't rely on them for anything,
Don't ask questions...I did that too, and boy, I didn't like the answers !
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If it wasn't for YOU ;), they would be happy!
Expect to be blamed for everything that has gone wrong with their lives, whether real or not, and not only since the day you met (another big mistake for them), but you are also responsible for what happened 10 years before you knew they even existed ::). It is all your fault, and you will be reminded daily, in case you forget.
If things are a little rocky with OW/OM, it is also because of YOU! ( NOT!!!)
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Self first , self last , self always (self meaning the Lbs and children)
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It wouldn't be all our fault but;
we keep doing that annoying breathing thing... ::)
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Great idea this snowdrop xx
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we keep doing that annoying breathing thing...
I know, we just will not listen will we ;) How dare we even think of doing that!
Yeah, and those pets you have that they doted on, just as it is with the kids you had together, they also mean nothing. They will walk past your dog, the one they loved so dearly, and not be able to remember your cat's name, nor stroke it as it sits lovingly looking up. They are void of all feeling towards their once loved pets, just like with everyone else that meant anything.
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Don't forget us lbs are very controlling!!!!
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Don't forget us lbs are very controlling!!
Of course we are, and them leaving was partly due to that very thing. They just couldn't stand it anymore. Add to that the fact that we started every single argument that ever went on. As I was often reminded by H, all was good and fine until I opened up my mouth :o.
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Love this thread ;D
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I even got that I argued with MYSELF! :o :o :o..That's a trick huh?
SELF CARE or both women and men.
SLEEP, eat get some fresh air. REGULAR SHOWERS, BATHS, ETC... Clean clothes.
Make Dr and dentist appts. AD's if you think you need them.
Counseling for self and kids if someone seems to holding it in ...CRY AND LET IT OUT!!
Comfort each other..stronger relationships are made from this!
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Join this site ;D
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Your mlcer may express his feelings of 'not disliking you as a person'.
Yes, it's insulting.
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Get tested for STDs - ASAP
Drink protein drinks while waiting to rediscover your appetite
Drop your standards for cooking, cleaning and yard maintenance
Ask for help and accept it
Meet up with another LBS ASAP
If not yet filed for a divorce, realize that he/she can WIPE out the joint acct. with NO consequences down the road- so perhaps you want to take half of any joint account before you are left with zero.
Get a credit card in your own name - PRONTO
Get off of his/her card as a joint user- go ahead and be an authorized user- difference being how liable you are for debt, safest bet is to get off their card
Get copies of past tax returns- information is power
Do NOT let on if you have access to cell records or passwords- you will glean a gold mine of info by staying mum
Crying helps- a lot-- it releases the pain and sorrow
Do not resort to alcohol- I was beer/wine free for about a year- until I could cope with the pain in a better way and enjoy a glass of wine as a beverage, not a crutch
Get a subscription to netflix and watch all the stand up comedy from the comedy channel you can stand, also watch the MLC genre- crying along is a great release
Start a musical instrument to focus your mind elsewhere- at least a year down the road you´ll have a new skill and won´t resent having spent all that time obsessing over your spouse
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Started to do one about OW/OM, and stopped as I won't do it justice. Anyone? (GO FOR IT!!) ;D
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has anyone read this link http://midlifeclub.com/midlife-for-dummies.htm
you need to scroll down , its like a pi$$ guiding a man /women how to behave when having a MLC
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Yes that's the script! They all get that imprinted on the brain when MLC strikes ;)
Tips & Tricks … remove your MLCers number from your phone and e mail list so it will have to be a deliberate effort to contact them … or if you have a problem with this, then file them under ZZZMLCer so they are at the bottom of your contacts list.
I have my MLCer filed that way, and if/when he calls a photo of him looking totally stupid comes up … so I don't get too angry!! Remain calm. Try not to laugh at MLCer though … they really dislike that, and it is disrespectful after all!! lol.
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i have mine as Pinocchio , and the picture is pinocchio and the ring tone from the film the one that goes "ive got no strings to hold me down to make me smile or make me frown "
after all he is a liar lol
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i have mine as Pinocchio , and the picture is pinocchio and the ring tone from the film the one that goes "ive got no strings to hold me down to make me smile or make me frown "
after all he is a liar lol
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Very funny Echarle … guess his nose is really long now … would be great if this really happened, then we could see in the future just who the honest people are!!
( just kidding … would be quite weird, ok if they regretted their actions and the nose shrank again!!)
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has anyone read this link http://midlifeclub.com/midlife-for-dummies.htm
you need to scroll down , its like a pi$$ guiding a man /women how to behave when having a MLC
I saw this, or something very similar to this, posted elsewhere on the forum / archives. The sleeping on the edge of the bed cracks me up because she use to do this. I swear, she was only using 6-8 inches of the edge of the mattress ;D !! Still don't know how her @$$ never fell on the floor, LOL! Sometimes I just wanted to give her a nudge with my foot ;D!!!
I am still new to this game but learning as quick as I can; Detachment, Truth Darts, appropriate contact levels.....when all else fails just smile and keep moving forward!
She has already "read" most of the chapters it appears!
-OneByOne-
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Yes, love that MLC for Dummies. Hit me after I started the thread ::), and I totally forgot until last night. Oh well, this is our version. Love that though, as it makes you feel how could it be anything else, I laughed as so true.
I used to put H as ****H, literally, not using *** as profanities, in this case only. That way, he was at the end of the end of the list. His name used to be next to my friends, and when he was here, the odd time I sent him a text meant for her, and it was always something about him, which he would take the wrong way.
I then made up names to add either side of hers so it wouldn't happen again ;D
Now, H isn't even in my phone at all. Deleted with a capital "D". Gonzo!
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Our Version is better , wouldnt mind know what im in h's phone as lol
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Our Version is better , wouldnt mind know what im in h's phone as lol
Yes it is ;) I bet he has you as :-* :-* :-* :-* :-* :-*
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lol i thought maybe 8)
im prob still Wifey lol
never let the buggers grind you down , thats another tip
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My H probably has me as Bee-otch
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The main thing to remember through all of this is that their unhappiness is ONLY due to US, and WE are the cause, so must be made to suffer AT ALL COSTS, AT ALL TIMES!!
Even if they leave and maybe realize it wasn't us, within seconds, they will create a situation in that overloaded head of theirs, that will once again, bring the blame back to the loving LBS.
My H is now hundreds of miles away, thankfully, and I can guarantee that anything that is going wrong in his life, maybe OW put too much cream in his coffee this morning, poor baby, and she would not have done that if it wasn't for ME!
He did tell me that he told OW just how bad things were for him when he lived here. ::) ;D That proves it, I'm the terrible, terrible person he professes me to be. Oh, and guess what H? "DON'T CARE!!" ;D
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If you are the epitome of BAD, I dread to think what life is like when you are GOOD ;D
xxx
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We are such bad partners ... ;)
I'd leave me too , fancy me cooking , cleaning, been a great loving wife . I should be shot for that outrageous behaviour ..
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Yep- me to and I homeschooled the kids..WHAT A b!tc#! Kick her ass out she's definitely NO GOOD!
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So the D is over and I´m mighty tempted to send him echarle´s guide for dummies. Has anyone sent the link? Response?
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FTT - I didn't look at it, but if it the one I'm thinking of, where it just hits home and is so accurate a description more through the eyes of the LBS, it is quite funny. Saw it on here a while back on some thread too. Not sure he would even get it? I think we can relate as it is so true, but for them? Might be a case of :o :o ::) ??? Not a clue. Then again, I don't have a clue about any of this stuff either. ;)
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We are such bad partners ... ;)
I'd leave me too , fancy me cooking , cleaning, been a great loving wife . I should be shot for that outrageous behaviour ..
Yep- me to and I homeschooled the kids..WHAT A b*tch! Kick her ass out she's definitely NO GOOD!
You guys are hilarious!
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Well after a while it's just WTF!!!
And you just have to laugh or you'll be friggin nuts just like them! ;D ;D ;D ;D
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hey forthetrees
Yep i sent it to my h in the beginging ( bad move) but sent again this year to my h and his family
his family though i had written it as it was just like him pmsl
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How did they react? Did they see the dark humor? Did they see the harsh reality?
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hi , the first time h was your controlling me stop telling me whats wrong with me , there is nothinf wrng with me i just dont want to be with you anymore
the 2nd time recently - h was quiet
His family - like i said they thought i had written it , as it was that true to h, but i think it helped them know that he was having a MLC
My Ma and Pa, well they understoof anyway this confirmed it , but they where still , get out of there look after you and d he's gone and wont be back for a while.
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Do not be surprised when they say things that are totally out of left field, and leave you with a deer in the headlights look :o :o :o.
After many months of ignoring our children after BD and leaving our home, on his fist visit with the kids, H thought it was very appropriate to use that visit as a time to tell us all about OW. At first we were :o :o :o, and were like WTF?, is he for real? He calmly sat and spoke of her as if there was nothing wrong whatsoever, even suggesting we admire her and their relationship :o :o as he continued to keep telling us how great she was, and that she loved the kids - yep, nothing wrong with saying that was there :o ::) >:(. Okay, if that doesn't say it all, what does. The guy is absolutely insane.
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lol snow drop nearly peed myself.................i had h here today hes been fitting new bedroom doors .........the effing jeffing from this man cos o/w was texting him and ringing him was unbelieveable..............(yes init h and are friends i am indifferent to him now) also when he was leaving he run back in for his jumper....i was like ??? ??? ??? ??? h said god i nearly forgot that o/w would want to know where it was apparently she keeps track of what hes wearing and by the sound of things checks his clothes and then scans his body for evidence of where hes been :o :o :o :o :o ............next time i might slip in a nice g-string give her something to fret about ;D ;D :P :P :P...........just wanted tell you the tables do turn xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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WGH
h said god i nearly forgot that o/w would want to know where it was apparently she keeps track of what hes wearing and by the sound of things checks his clothes and then scans his body for evidence of where hes been ............
How old is he - 2? Wow, no pressure there. I hope H's OW is like that x100!! I hope she is on his back so much, he pretends he isn't awake in the morning, and lies with his eyes closed just hoping she thinks he is still sleeping as he dreads her starting on him. Then again, they are in lurrrv and soulmates, so all is beautiful in H's la-la-land with OW.
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Get some sleep. Take meds if you need to. I take antidepressants/anxiety meds. and can take melatonin. Benadryl works too. Herbal tea can do wonders. Too much caffeine can be awful sometimes.
Try not to take what they say personal. Not always easy. Most of us are pretty good at talking ourselves into believing their crap and it is ALL their crap.
Get up go to work, do hobbies, workout, play with the kids and so on. Continue daily activities like you did before they flipped their lids!
If you haven't been to church since forever like myself, then why not give it a try. It helps. Being around positive happy people does wonders.
Try not to listen to much to others that haven't been in our situation. Most people mean well, but really have no clue.
Read alot.
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I just saw this on mumsnet, I have read before ages ago, maybe it's here on forum somewhere, but thought it might raise a chuckle for newbies and oldies alike! Certainly good for doubters like myself, I heard every one of these, except the one about the bagged salad, before MLC my h never ate salad! Now he's healthy man. Actually I just remembered he did ask me if I had read a news report about the dangers of bagged salad!!! Yes, I heard it all!
This is from the midlife forum! As my H followed this almost word for word, I thought you might find a chuckle of recognition, too. PS Women can also do this, so because English doesn't have a mutual gender word, substitute OW/OM etc as required.
MIDLIFE for Dummies
Welcome to the wonderful world of Mid Life Crisis!! You are about to embark on one of the most perilous journeys you have ever taken. A journey fraught with intrigue and guaranteed to turn you inside out! This book is designed to help you make sure you get the most emotional bang for your buck.
In these pages are the "how to" answers to the questions you have been asking yourself about damaging as many people as you can along the way. Come on and dig in, it's time to get this roller coaster rolling on down the tracks!!
Chapter 1 - Choosing the Correct Speech
There are 4 basic speeches for you to choose from. They are:
a) I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you.
b) I've never loved you, and we should never have gotten married.
c) We got married too young. I never knew anything besides you.
d) You tricked me into marrying you, I would never have done it otherwise.
Once you have decided on which speech to give, you need to cause as much anxiety in your spouse as you can before you actually give it. Continue to the next chapter for Lessons in building anxiety.
Chapter 2 - Lessons in Building Anxiety
You will find these lessons to be helpful in causing anxiety in your spouse and others (depending on the level of pain and damage you want to cause), not just prior to giving the speech, but throughout your MLC.
Lesson 1 - Monstrification of Your Spouse
This is easy to accomplish. Simply think of only the "bad" things that your spouse has done throughout your entire relationship. Have one of those "angel" spouses? No problem, just remember how bad she always makes you feel. DO NOT under any circumstances remember fondly your spouse, or anything they have done for you. Remember, they are going to be the cause of all of your problems, so it is imperative that you convince your self of this first.
Lesson 2 - Emotional Detachment
This will be very easy to do after accomplishing lesson 1. All you have to do is start reminding yourself that you don't care about them, what they feel, what they want, or if they hurt. Simple! Every time you remind yourself of this, you will get further and further away from your relationship emotionally. Now, that wasn't too hard was it? On to lesson 3
Lesson 3 - Mass Confusion and Indecision
This lesson requires a little more thought and attention. You must constantly practice saying "I don't know" to ANY and ALL questions. That is imperative!! Your spouse (and others) must never know precisely what is going on in-side your head. Also, never let them know where you are going, where you have been, who you were with (this will go hand in hand with the lesson on the Other Person, or OP), or whether or not they can expect you to return home.
Lesson 4 - Lies and Deceit
To get the most damage, and cause the most pain, you must lie and decieve at every opportunity. And to really achieve hall of fame status, you should be very inept at it, so that everyone knows that you are lying, or suspects, but can't prove it initially. This works very well for the following chapters, OP and Cake Eating.
Chapter 3 - The Other Woman (or OW)
Now it is time for you to succumb to temptation. You KNOW all of those other women want you! They have been coming on to you for years!! It is time for you to give them their chance at having some of you. Make sure that you leave a very confusing trail for your spouse to follow. One that lets them suspect, but have to dig and sneak (to make them feel worse about themselves) to find the information they need to prove it. Hold out admitting the affair as long as you can, and don't admit it ever, if you can get away with it.
Chapter 4 - Cake Eating
This chapter is designed to string your spouse along in uncertainty as long as possible, because as long as they have hope, they won't be able to go out and find their own lives and be fulfilled. Why should they get to do that, while you are so miserable? They shouldn't!! So, make sure that you are affectionate occasionally (not too often, as this will raise anxiety levels), that you drag your feet about making a decision on the marriage, and that you leave and come back several times (as many as you can get away with).
Chapter 5 - History Revision
It is very important that you revise the life you have lead with your spouse. You must use words like: Always, Ever, Never and All of the Time. Always precede the statement with the terms: you, I, and we. As in "you always nag me" "I never ever (double bonus here) get to do what I want" and "We have to do what you want all of the time". This will help to make your spouse feel like the way you are behaving is all their fault, and can cause them to feel even worse about themselves than they already did!!
Chapter 6 - It's All About You!!
Remember this is all about you! What you want and need, RIGHT NOW! You shouldn't have to wait until you can afford something, just go on out and get it! You deserve a new haircut, new clothes, and some new toys. You've worked for it. You would probably look great in that new Convertible, or on that new Harley!! So don't hesitate! You live in the here and now! So why wait until tomorrow!!
Remember, the word is CRISIS and if you are in one, EVERYONE else should have to ride the Roller coaster with you! It's no fun taking a ride alone, and you know what they say about misery loving company! Go on out there and get started, so much pain and damage, and so little time!
Chapter 7 - Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away
This chapter is to help you deal with the problems that your spouse will try to cause. We don't want you to have to "deal" with anything, now do we? You shouldn't have to "think" about any "issues" right now, except those that concern you "feeling good". The best way to handle this, is to Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away. Any time someone tries to make you see a more "reasonable" stance on a subject, simply Avoid making a reply...stare out into space, as if you are thinking about something important, and they will become uncomfortable and leave you alone.
If there are responsibilities that need your attention, simply ignore them. You don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing. And the best for last is Run Away! This can be accomplished in many different ways. OP's can help you Run Away from all of these "problems" as well as Alcohol, Drugs, New Sports Cars....etc the list is endless. Of course, you can always just leave...but remember not to let them know where you are going, and if you'll be back!!
Chapter 8 - MC and Therapists
Your spouse may ask you to go to counseling with her. This is only useful to make them feel better. It cannot possibly have anything to you so there is no reason for you to follow-up with anything suggested--it doesn't matter to you. The only thing you should look for is more reasons (excuses) for avoiding, running and ignoring (see previous chapter).
Chapter 9 - I Don't Have To if I Don't Want To and You Can't Make Me!
Remember that this is about YOU, and what YOU want and how YOU feel!! No one else is important, so don't let them make you feel as if you have to listen to anything they say. Your spouse will try to help you of course, because they love you. Don't let them get away with giving you unwanted advice. Let them know in the teenage vernacular, that they can't make you do anything.
This is important, you must be as childish as possible!! Any truly adult behavior on your part will only convince them that you are listening to what they are saying, and you will have to start back at the beginning. Of course, this technique can be used knowingly to cause more confusion and chaos, just beware of the danger, you don't actually want to start acting like an adult!!
Chapter 10 - How To Threaten and/or How To Move Out
You threaten to move out for weeks or months but you don't. (*)You tell your spouse that you got too much on your plate right now to look for a flat but that you will do so in 2 weeks time. After 2 weeks, repeat from (*).
If your wife wants to come too close to you, like entering your bedroom to talk to you, tell her to stay away or you will move out. When she replies that you will move out anyway tell her that you will move out faster if she comes any closer
Chapter 11 - Art of Clinging
The Art of Clinging to the End of the Mattress without falling off the matrimonial bed while still sharing it with your spouse.
Chapter 12 - Advanced Lessons
This is usually reserved for those in more difficult situations, where the LBS has responded not by tossing you out, threatening to leave, or filing for divorce, but instead persists in not only OFFERING to cooperate, but actually MAKING THE CHANGES you said you needed.
"I am tired of living like this/I don't want to live like this anymore/I am not going to live my life like this?" often is coupled with another advanced tactic, "It's not you, it's me".
This line is most effective AFTER the LBS has jumped through hoops and bent over backwards. It basically confirms that no matter what changes the LBS is willing to make, the incompatibility lies within the MLCer, who has no intention of, or implied desire or ability to, compromise.
Appendix
HOW TO MAKE YOUR SPOUSE THINK SHE IS CRAZY
1. When confronted by the evidence of an EA or PA, become very indignant. Stress that the LBS is obviously just a jealous sob/bi*ch, and you are entitled to "buddies" of the opposite sex.
2. Never, ever answer the question, "Are you okay? Is there something wrong?" with a direct answer that might actually lead to a discussion that might help the marriage. Continue to never talk to spouse, never give her/him a personal compliment or touch of affection and by all means work on the "cling to the edge of the mattress to avoid touching" manoeuvre that is so successful in making your spouse crazy.
3. Always bear in mind that your spouse will expect you to want to at least give them the chance to "fix" the marriage. Since you have already checked out emotionally (of course NEVER tell them that!), you are under no obligation to actually listen to anything they say or acknowledge anything they do. This tactic is also extremely beneficial when they employ the MLC diet. When they lose a massive amount of weight and you are in ear shot of someone who mentions to spouse about the weight loss, say "Are you losing weight? Why don't you ever tell me things?"
4. Of course one of the most successful ways to drive them crazy may only be used when you have earned the MLC Black Belt. Go to marriage counselling for months, let them pour out their soul to you and the counsellor and let them believe they are actually accomplishing something. Then arrange things so the spouse finds you in your own home with OW. This will accomplish two things: a. She will finally have to understand how lucky you are to have found your "soul mate" and b. She will be doubly betrayed because she thought you were actually working on the marriage.
DON'T LET YOUR SPOUSE GET TOO INDEPENDENT - STATEGIES FOR SUCKING YOUR SPOUSE BACK IN
1. Make negative comments about OW or the chances that the relationship with OW will succeed. HOWEVER, under no circumstances, make any commitment to end the relationship with OW.
2. Make veiled hints about suicide or excessive drinking or drug use. Be erratic and hard to contact.
3. Do random acts of kindness such as garden work or something. That will keep your spouse confused and hopeful.
4. Make vague comments hinting that things might work out between you and your spouse IN THE FUTURE. HOWEVER, under no circumstances take any actions to work anything out.
CUSTODY - Using the Kids To Your Advantage
If you have children, they can be extremely useful for inducing fear and panic in your spouse. Recommended phrases include, "You're poisoning my kids against me", "You put that idea into their heads", and "You need to do [insert pertinent action here] for the sake of the kids'." Remember, your spouse, being a responsible and loving person, is not only trying to cope with his/her own feelings, but trying to protect the children, and you can use that to your advantage.
Don't forget to use the fact that if you spend any time with your kids, you should get Extra Credit Bonus Good Parent points from your spouse. It doesn't matter if you feed them ice cream for breakfast and have them watch "Hellboy" when they asked for "Veggie Tales", you Just Wanted To Make Them Happy, and since YOU are the best judge of Happiness, that makes you Super Parent.
You can use this opportunity to trash talk your spouse ("Isn't this more fun than what Mommy/Daddy would let you do?" "Mom/Dad doesn't know how to relax.") which of course, will be repeated back to your spouse so you get the benefit of destroying their self-esteem second hand.
Highly advanced MLCers may want to start casually using the word Custody, but be very, very careful. While useful for sending your spouse into a state of panic, you certainly do not want to be responsible for a bunch of kids who will seriously cut into your personal fun time. The word Custody should only be used in a casual tone of voice for the most devastating effect.
BUTTON PUSHING
You (the mlcer) know a lot about your spouse. You know what pushes their buttons to get them both upset and/or happy. You have the power, you can do it! So using the kids to upset them is fair game (see section on how to use "custody" to upset them but not take on the "custody"). And if that ever stops working, find something else. Suggestions might include pets, valuables in the home, their appearance, family, career. Nothing is out of your reach since you have put in so many years getting to know your spouse--use what you know.
THE BLAME GAME
By now, you should be aware that all of this MUST be your spouse's fault, however, your spouse may not understand this completely yet, so you need to start planting the seeds.
There are several ingenious ways to put the blame on your spouse, and we will be exploring them all.
Method 1: The Non-Blame Statement
I'm trying not to blame YOU
This statement implies that you are "not putting the blame on them" but on closer look (which your spouse is guaranteed to be doing) The words actually put all of the blame on the spouse (where of course we know it belongs).
Method 2: The Passive Blame Statement
I don't think that I can live with you.
My opinion never mattered to you.
I can't live like this.
We rarely have fun anymore.
I don't want to live this way anymore.
These are passive statements that don't actually assign blame to your spouse, but your spouse will definitely get the idea if you use them. They can't help but see that it MUST be them that makes you feel this way.
Method 3: The Direct Blame Statement
You never listen to me.
You never put creases in my pants.
You use bagged salad.
You never keep the house clean.
You are going to do it your way.
All of these are direct statements of blame. You should mix actual faults with things that don't really matter to make it more confusing, and make your spouse feel as bad as possible about themselves.
Your spouse has probably already started doing the hard work to look inside his/herself (Yuck, what an awful thought!) and will take on all of the faults you list to try and correct them. This will keep them occupied for awhile, and you can avoid any serious relationship talks while they apologize for and try to fix all of their own faults.
Make sure that you don't actually accept the apology, that way you can continue to bring the fault up which will slow down their self improvement process. Remember, they are working on becoming better human beings, and you wouldn't want that to happen to fast, as that would interfere with your ability to string them along.
Note: NEVER ACTUALLY ADMIT TO ANY FAULTS OF YOUR OWN!!!! REMEMBER, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY! YOU ARE THE GOOD ONE, AND HAD THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, LIE, SPEND MONEY, OR ANY OTHER THING, BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES THAT ARE BAD!!!
Let's not forget "We're just incompatible - we always were."
Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL. If all else fails, put the LBS down for being so willing to change herself for your needs. Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL."
How to keep you spouse guessing...be mean one minute threatening divorce, etc then next day be kind and sweet almost the way your spouse remembers you..rinse repeat....
HOW TO CONTINUE THE CRAZINESS ONCE SEPARATION/DIVORCE IS AGREED UPON
1. Even though by now you, dear MLCer, have done everything human possibly to convince your spouse that you do not love him/her and want out, when the time comes to actually file, DON"T DO IT! This is the coup de gras of MLC. Absolutely DO NOT TAKE THE INITIATIVE. This is a most vital and awesome crazy-maker. Holding out will force your by now totally devastated spouse to finally throw up his/her hands and seek legal counsel.
2. Once the LBS has had enough and decides that divorce is in their best interest, you have won HUGE points here. Refusing to be the one to file now puts YOU in the role of victim, bringing you all the attention and pity necessary to allow you to again regain your image of the abused one in all this. Now you can, with absolutely NO guilt, tell everyone the divorce was your LBS's idea (which of COURSE it was!) and they will assume that:
a. the LBS lost all that weight and obviously has been involved in an affair, and
b. the marriage ended because your LBS spouse is going through a - YES! THE PINNACLE OF CRAZINESS! - Midlife Crisis!!
Copyright The Midlife Club
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WOW!! "send to printer"
Oh, to slip this under someone's windshield wiper..
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Yes, weeping willow I so would love h to read this, but alas he would NOT GET IT!
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LOVE! but must add a small chapter:
CHAPTER 13 - Find the one tiny inconsequential point in this whole text that actually doesn't apply to you and FOCUS SOLELY ON THAT - disregard MLC and all other points listed because of it.
thank you for sharing this, TT!
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Brilliant!
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Just had to go looking for this thread to post a line I received in a recent email.
Here it is.......
I do feel ancient sometimes, but daft enough to enjoy been immature.
Well I hope that one cheers you all up today lol.
x
ps. that was the spelling of been, should be being I would think.
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I do feel ancient sometimes, but daft enough to enjoy been immature.
Yes absolutely Bat **it crazy. Amazing how they follow the script isn't it. xxx
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Just found this humor thread today and was reading through I and II
I found the Soulmateschmoopies hysterical!
This was my favorite:
http://soulmateshmoopies.wordpress.com/category/animations/blameshifting/
I read where a few people did some "not so nice things" or wrote things they would like to do.
On one of my husbands visits in October, while he was out for the day, I took his Viagra pills from the secret compartment of his shaving kit and placed them on an electric heater for 1 hour (100 degrees)...
Doubt he and OW had much fun for the following few weeks.
My triggers also lessened during that time :)
SSG
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definitely a classic
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Toughtimes. I did have a giggle at the cooked Viagra.
I am happy that random acts of revenge are not exclusively mine.
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I think it was standing strong for Germany, so if you heat up Viagra it doesn't work? That's hilarious!
I on the other hand have not really done anything particularly naughty, I did use ha towel to clean under a ladder that hadn't been cleaned for months possibly years, then put it back on the rail!
There is humour in mlc sometimes.
Tt xx
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Literally any medicine, when exposed to high heat for a long time...is rendered useless.
I could not help it. Before BD, he was impotent for several years. He brought up to OW (on FB Messages) that maybe 'down the road, if they live together and he has ED, and needs something like Viagra, what does she think?' OW replied all men were silly with those thoughts and she doubts that will happen to him. And when they live together, they won't be so hungry for sex like they are now. (That statement prob. did not make him happy)
I have vowed to take the 'high road' in this turmoil, but it does not mean I cannot impede my H's path a little. ;D
And it really did help with the triggers for the weeks following that visit.
SSG
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Time to resurrect this thread.
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The main thing to remember through all of this is that their unhappiness is ONLY due to US, and
WE are the cause, so must be made to suffer AT ALL COSTS, AT ALL TIMES!!
Even if they leave and maybe realize it wasn't us, within seconds, they will create a situation in that overloaded head of theirs, that will once again, bring the blame back to the loving LBS.
Snowdrop, this one just bears repeating!
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It is hard not to want to hope that they are going to suddenly recover.
I used to respond to requests for contact and hang on every word.
Then I realized he was using contact to tell me how unimportant I was to him, how he didn't care about my feelings etc. In other words he was using contact to spew.
Do not allow your H to abuse you psychologically. If he can't treat you well, then avoid him until he can. (whenever that is)
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Not sure if anyone of you have read this but its funny and so relatable.
http://midlifeclub.com/midlife-for-dummies.htm
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AGREED!!! If I ever doubted my W is in MLC, this confirms! Has hit almost all if not all points.
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Seriously?? That is my life....pretty much to a tee!
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Bumping this, as I just came across it in the back corridors of the forum and it's really good for a few laughs!
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Bumping this, as I just came across it in the back corridors of the forum and it's really good for a few laughs!
Does make one chuckle but at the same time is the grim reality and the way these idiots actually act!
OBO
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chiming in here
i read this "at the beginning"--now, i'm reading it and laughing. what a difference 2 years makes.
all so true--ex h could go through and check all the boxes. i was actually considering printing it and sending it to him via USPS, but i won't.
ha!!!
onlyjo