Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: LifeGoesOn on August 05, 2010, 03:35:45 PM
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In the beginning of this crisis, my thoughts were out of control. 24/7, Round and round they went, activating horrible imaginings and emotions. I looked everywhere to stop them. My old stand-bys, driving and walking didn't help. Cleaning the house, vacuuming, windows, all left my mind free to wander. I didn't want to think! I couldn't think clearly!
I knew I needed to get out of bed and MOVE, so I enlisted some friends for hiking buddies. No time to think about myself with friends to talk about other stuff.
Games with the kids helped too. Rockband and some board games work for us.
Some folks suggested I imagine a big STOP SIGN. This never worked for me in the early days.
Distraction was about the only thing that did.
Setting aside time in the day to dwell & journal (by hand, it slowed them down) my thoughts helped too. Once on paper, the thoughts don't seem to have the same power my mind gives them.
Negative thoughts can really have a destructive effect on your whole body. I lost 20 lbs in 2 weeks. I started out at 145 at 5'8" and started to look sick. It is important to attend to your own daily care as you were your own mom. If i hadn't turned myself around, i would have gotten a script for AD's. Over the counter 5-HTP was enough to take the edge off.
At this point, I was now able to look at each thought as it occurred. I could challenge each thought. Don't believe everything you hear...even in your own head!
We all use defense mechanisms in our daily lives. It is normal, they enable us to function in this world. Using these to an extreme, they become a pattern of distorted thinking, much like our MLCers do.
Here are some I had to control:
Always/Never: You learned in high school, if a test question said always or never, it was a wrong choice. Nothing is all encompassing. "I will always feel like this." "It will never end." "No one loves me." "Everyone else is happy but me." "No one can imagine my pain." "My life is over. I will never be happy again." and on and on and on.
Focusing on the negative: There are 2 sides to everything, look for the positive not the bad side. "H isn't here for Dinner, he is out with that ho bag, so dinner is ruined." needs to get turned into, "I am having dinner with my wonderful kids and get to hear about their lives."
Fortune-telling: seeing the worst possible outcome. "Me and the kids will be homeless." "we will starve." "I will die from this pain."
Emotions=thinking: Believing your feelings without question. "I feel guilty, so I must be so."
Self-beating:(I would have said flagellation but not sure if I'm spelling it correctly!lol) would of, could of, should, have to. "I should have been a better housekeeper." "H should see how bad this is for everyone." "I have to convince him."
This is a list I copied from trauma awareness (http://www.traumaawareness.org/id56.html):
The following are common thinking patterns that many people exhibit. They are called distorted thinking, due to their irrational nature. Most of the time we use them unknowingly, therefore, by becoming more aware of our own distorted beliefs, we can rationally challenge the beliefs and change. Upon changing, our mood can positively change as well.
1. Filtering: You take the negative details and magnify them while filtering out all positive aspects of a
situation.
2. Polarized Thinking: Things are black or white, good or bad. You have to be perfect or you are a failure.
There is no middle ground.
3. Overgeneralization: You come to a general conclusion based on a single incident or piece of evidence. If something bad happens once you expect it to happen over and over again.
4. Mind Reading: Without their saying so, you know what people are feeling and why they act the way they do.
In particular, you are able to divine how people are feeling toward you.
5. Catastrophizing: You expect disaster. You notice or hear about a problem and start the what game: What if
tragedy strikes? What if it happens to you?
6. Personalization: Thinking that everything people do or say is some kind of reaction to you. You also
compare yourself to others, trying to determine who is smarter, better looking, etc.
7. Control Fallacies: If you feel externally controlled, you see yourself as helpless, a victim of fate.
The fallacy of internal control has you responsible for the pain and happiness of everyone around you.
8. Fallacy of Fairness: You feel resentful because you think you know what is fair but other people will not agree with you.
9. Blaming: You hold other people responsible for your pain. Or take the other tack and blame yourself for
every problem or reversal.
10. Shoulds: You have a list of ironclad rules about how you and other people should act. People who break the
rules anger you and you feel guilty if you violate the rules.
11. Emotional Reasoning: You believe that what you feel must be true-automatically. If you feel stupid and
boring, then you must be stupid and boring.
12. Fallacy of Change: You expect that other people will change to suit you if you just pressure them enough.
You need to change people because your hopes for happiness seem to depend entirely on them.
13. Global Labeling: You generalize one or two qualities into a negative global judgment.
14. Being Right: You are continually on trial to prove that your opinions and actions are correct. Being wrong is unthinkable and you will go to any length to demonstrate your rightness.
15. Heavenly Reward Fallacy: You expect all your sacrifice and self-denial to pay-off, as if there were someone keeping score. You feel bitter when the reward does not come.
16. Passive Thinking: You believe that your wants, needs and rights are not important enough to assert with others.
I still run into problems on occasion stopping the negative thinking. The tool box can never be too full, so i would appreciate knowing what has helped you.
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OMGosh. I forgot to add the MOST helpful one! Reading and posting here! Reading others stories, so similar to my own, enables me to step back and take a fresh perspective. If I don't, I get a 2x4 to help!!!
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Very nice LGO!!! Thankyou so much for posting this!
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Sweet, LGO! Thanks for that post. Helps put my thoughts in perspective.
:o
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LGO
Boy I remember all that........ I did think I wouldn't survive and I have!
Thanks for the info in letting us know this is a natural reaction to the trauma we sustained and that healing does come and our strength does come back.
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I can so relate to your thoughts, they take over your whole being, I've named my Madge! With the help of my Councellor, I am learning to control them and they are slowly dying. Someone
past me these today, for when you taken on other people's stuff:
1. Can I control this?
2. Is this my emotion?
3. Can I influence this?
It does help.
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on the frig
FIVE SIMPLE RULES TO BE HAPPY
1. Free your heart of hatered
2. Free your mind of worries
3. Live simply
4. Give more
5. Expect less
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The end of something is always the beginning of something else.
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I learned to visualize a simple STOP SIGN or a blank wall when negative thoughts came about..especially at night when I was trying to sleep....otherwise, I kept my thoughts on the Lord and all that He was doing within my situation to bring positive things about.
It wasn't easy, but I overcame these types of thoughts. :)
I hope this helps, too. :)
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Great thread, LGO!
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I came across this today and thought I'd store it here rather than on my thread...
These are NLP techniques that I will experiment with.
To quiet your mind and turn off internal dialogue:
from Jamie Smart's newsletter
1) Stick out your tongue & grasp it gently but firmly between your thumb & forefinger. Wait a few moments as you continue to breathe. You may well become quiet inside.
This works on the basis that mind & body are one system. Internal dialogue is accompanied by tiny micro-muscle movements of the tongue & larynx. When these movements are restricted by your thumb & forefinger, the internal voice stops. Now, I know what you're thinking - it's not very practical to go around with your tongue clasped between your fingers, so part two is as follows:
2) If exercise 1 works well for you, gently place the tip of your tongue against the roof of your mouth just behind your front teeth (continue to breathe easily.) You will stay quiet.
I use this approach when I'm doing one to one work with people. It allows me to quieten down on the inside so that I can put all my attention on them & what they're saying & doing. It also allows me to really watch & listen, because I'm not inside my head having conversations with myself about what I think is going on...except when I do. When I catch myself talking to myself when I should be in 'watch & listen' mode, I merely do the following:
3) With a soft, gentle & patient tone, go inside & say to yourself "Shhhhhhh, shhhhhhh", like you would if you were soothing a little baby. Allow yourself to smile on the inside & really feel a sense of patience with the monkey. It may take up to a minute before you go quiet inside.
The next approach is one of the first NLP interventions I ever learned, and is incredibly simple.
4) Go inside your mind & find the volume control for internal dialogue (usually either a dial or a slider.) If you can't find one, just imagine one - it will work just as well for our purposes. Now turn the volume control up & hear the dialogue get louder. Turn it down & hear it get quieter. Then turn it all the way off. Quiet.
The final approach is one I learned from Richard Bandler. I only tend to use it when I'm trying to pay attention on the outside but some nagging thought keeps drawing my attention inside.
5) In a firm but loving tone of voice, say "Shut the *!&% up!" inside your head. Repeat as necessary.
No one approach works for everybody, but each of these approaches will work for some people. Practice when you are relatively relaxed and have some time, and you will find the ones that work best for you. As you begin to get into the habit of using them systematically & consistently, you will really start to reap the benefits.
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This is a really good thread. Wanted to bump it up.
The beginning is when you need this the most, but is still good to read again and again as I tend to lapse.
At the beginning, I would think that everything would be okay if I could have a marriage like "they" do. As time has gone on , I have discovered that almost everyone I envied had been divorced, husband had had an affair etc. One person who had the biggest diamond wedding ever ,told me Friday that she and her husband are divorced , but moved back in together recently. No plans to remarry.
That taught me that I can't spend my time imagining that everyone else has a perfect life except me.
I have to believe, without a doubt, in my prayers. Then wait expectantly on God's plan for me to unfold.
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Following on from what Sammi said, I have been amazed by what my friends have told me since this MLC mess started -- so many have been through so much, there have been affairs, goodness knows what else.
Just because it looks perfect from the outside doesn't mean it is. When you find yourself in this situation it is incredible what people start to open up about.
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I agree with both T&L and Sammi in that I now know so many people who have had or are having marriage troubles when a year or so ago I felt like I was the only one. It just goes to show you just never know what is happening behind closed doors. Now it feels to me like I know almost no one whose marriage is truly happy and that makes me sad. :(
With regards to thought stopping, I have started reading a book called Battlefied of the Mind that already is helping me with stopping negative thinking. It is spiritually based and so far has been really good.
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Great advice. I'll have to try some of these this week.
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I should add something to what I wrote earlier. I also know lots of couples/families who ARE happy, and who all say that they value it, they work at it, they recognise that it isn't all hearts and flowers, they appreciate what they have, etc., etc., etc.
They also all say that love is an active verb, a choice.
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For another example of why thought stopping is essential, here's an excerpt from Getting Things Done by David Allen that talks about creative visualization:
Think of how our bodies respond to the images we hold in our minds. It appears that the nervous system can't tell the difference between a well-imagined thought and reality.
To prove this to yourself, picture yourself walking into a supermarket and going over to the brightly lit fruit-and-vegetable section. Are you there? OK, now go to the citrus bins—oranges, grapefruits, lemons. Now see the big pile of yellow lemons.
There's a cutting board and a knife next to them. Take one of those big yellow lemons and cut it in half. Smell that citrus smell!
It's really juicy, and there's lemon juice trickling onto the board. Now take a half lemon and cut that in half, so you have a quarter lemon wedge in your hands.
OK, now—remember how you did this as a kid?—put that quarter of a lemon in your mouth and bite into it! Scrunch!
If you played along with me, you probably noticed that the saliva content in your mouth increased at least a bit. Your body was actually trying to process citric acid! And it was just in your mind.
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These articles should be in this thread
http://loveanyway.theherosspouse.com/self-focus/affirmations/